LASTS
1. Last kiss
Yesterday

2. Last phone call
Almost 2 years ago

3. Last text message
2 hours ago

4. Last song you listened to
Radiohead-Creep

5. Last time you went to the movies
2012

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice
Nope

7. Been cheated on
Yes

8. Self harmed
Yes

9. Lost someone special
Yes

10. Been depressed
Yes

11. Been drunk and threw up
Yeppers

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
12. had sex
Yep

13. How many people have you had sex with this year?
One

15. Made a new friend
no? Maybe...

17. Laughed until you cried
Nope

18. Met someone who changed you
No

19. Found out who your true friends were
Yes

20. Found out someone was talking about you
Nope, not that I care though.

26. What did you do for your last Birthday
Mexican food

27. What time did you wake up today
A bit before noon

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for
My health to improve.

30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time
2013

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life
The condition of my health

32. What are you listening to right now
The birds complaining

33. When is the last time you had sex?
Yesterday

34. Who's getting on your nerves right now
Nobody

35. Most visited webpage
Facebook, cafemom

36. Favorite colours
Purple, green, black

37. Nicknames
Laylakat, kitteh

38. Relationship Status
Best friends with benefits

39. Zodiac sign
Gemini

40. Male or female
Female

41. Sexuality
Pan

42. Religion
None

43. High school/college
Diploma, and vocational certificate

44. Eye color
Hazel

46. Height
5'6"

47. Do you have a crush on someone
Sorta

48. What do you like about yourself
I can laugh through anything

49. Piercings
Ears, tongue and labret

50. Tattoos
No

51. Righty or lefty
Mostly right

FIRSTS:
53. First piercing
Ears age 7

54. First best friend
Becky

55. First hookup
Shannon

56. First pet
Dog named Tippy

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating
Currently nothing

60. Drinking
Water

61. I'm about to
Cook dinner

62. Listening to
Parakeets

63. Waiting for
Roomie to come home from doing laundry

YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids?
I have some thanks.

65. Get married?
Never again. I walked off that plank twice.

66. Career
I am a house woman

WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes
Eyes

68. Hugs or kisses
Both

69. Shorter or taller
Doesn't matter

70. Older or Younger
Doesn't matter

71. Romantic or spontaneous
both

72. Nice stomach or nice arms
I don't care

73. Sensitive or loud
Sensitive (somewhat)

74. Hook-up or relationship
Both are fun!

HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger
Yes

77. Drank hard liquor
Yes

78. Lost glasses/contacts
Yes

79. Had sex
Yes

80. Broken someone's heart
Yes

82. Been arrested
No

83. Turned someone down
Yes

84. Cried when someone died
Yeah my husband, and my son only though.

85. Fallen for a friend
Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself
Not usually, but getting better

87. Miracles
Nah

88. Love at first sight
Nope

89. Heaven
Not sure

90. Santa Clause
Nah

91. Kiss on the first date
More than that *wink*


92. Angels
Yeah...one comes to mind right away.

93. How would you label yourself?
Creep

94. Someone You Pray Everyday For
I don't

95. Did you sing today?
yes

96. Who From All Your Ex's have You Cared The Most About
None honestly. I try to remain friends with all unless I was hella screwed over or harmed.

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?
JR High

98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For
People to be happy

99. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Nope

100. Do you like the way you look?
Currently...no

Now my health is going to fuck something up big time. Not like I shouldn't expect that. Whenever it is possible for life to fuck me over it does.

Male side:
[x] You love hoodies.
[] You love jeans.
[] Dogs are better than cats.
[X] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[x] Shopping is torture.
[] Sad movies suck.
[] You own an X-Box.
[X] You played with Hotwheels cars as a kid.
[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[] You watch sports on TV.
[x] Gory movies are cool.
[] You go to your dad for advice.
[] You own, like, a trillion baseball caps.
[] You like going to football games.
[X] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[X] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[x] It's kind of weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[X] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[X] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[X] Sports are fun.
[X] You talk with food in your mouth.
[] You wear boxers.


Male Points= 14



Female side:
[] You wear lip gloss.
[] You love to shop
[] You wear eyeliner.
[x] You have some of the same shirts in different colors.
[] You wear the color pink.
[] You go to your mom for advice.
[] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[] You like hanging out at the mall.
[] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance.
[] It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories.
[X] You smile a lot more than you should.
[] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[] You care about what you look like.
[] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
[x] You wear girl underwear.
[X] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
[] You like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.
[] You like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.


Female points= 4

About 2:15 AM September 1 I went to the bathroom and as I was sitting I heard a small rush of fluid hit the water that was not urine. I reached down and wiped, and there was a huge chunk of my plug and blood. Blood kept coming...Not the best thing to see at 35 weeks pregnant. I sat an quickly calmed myself. Deep breathing, telling myself I and the baby would be fine. I picked up my phone and called my roommate. I told him that I needed him downstairs immediately. He got down to the bathroom really fast. I explained to him as calmly as I could that I was bleeding and it felt like my water was possibly leaking. I asked him if we could drive to the hospital faster, or if EMS would be faster, and he said he was good to drive. I got up and walked to the car slowly. No pain, wasn't dizzy, I knew all was good for a little while. We pulled into the emergency room about 15 minutes later, and he went inside and told them he had a woman in the car who was 35 weeks pregnant and bleeding. Someone came out with a wheelchair and I was taken in.

After being checked over many times they had no clue why I was bleeding. I was having contractions 1.5-2 minutes apart for hours. They decided to admit me to wait. Considering I had 4 previous c-sections I was more than a little pissed about this. I could tell the baby was large. After losing Evan 4 yrs ago I was terrified of having another stillbirth. I was taken to a room and admitted. The days were long and boring. Hospital bedrest sucks. They would allow me out in a wheelchair several times a day to try to keep me calm. My mind was absolutly racing and I was headed quickly toward manic. They had me on keflex for a suspected UTI, and the more days I had taken it the faster my mind would go. Their goal was to keep me from checking out. I was having flashbacks to losing Evan. I can't handle hospitals. I had flashbacks to losing Donnie. Those days were hell...

Septeber 6 at about 3 AM I walked into the bathroom in my room and had a repeat of a few days before. I sat down and heard the fluid hitting the water. When it stopped I put my hand down to check and it was bring red. I pulled the call string in the bathroom, and ended up with the sweetest aide in my room. She said "sweetie you sit tight I am going to go get your nurse". In less than a minute she had returned with her. They helped me up, and to the bed. Got me on the moniter, found the heartbeat immediately. I was still bleeding. The amount I saw I knew there had to be fluid mixed because otherwise I would have been dizzy or on my butt. I had been having contractions all week, but they began to intensify. I was in labor there was no question about it. Doctors were wanting to just keep me on the moniter. No one wanted to get this over with. My fears of losing the baby got worse. Finally a Doctor came in and told me they would be doing the c-section at 8:30 AM. I was relieved. I had no idea what was to come.

I was taken in for surgery...I despise the idea of being put under. I understood why it was needed for this section and that was the only reason I had consented. I knew the chances of bleeding out were too high and I could be signing for my death by refusing. As I was being put under all I could think about was losing Donnie at the same age I am now, and losing him to a surgery. The last seconds I was awake I had the worst fear that those would be my last memories and this would be it. I don't advise seeing your own death as you are going under...ever. I came to in recovery, and it was worse than breathing through a straw. Probably because what they had intubated me with was smaller than a straw. I can remember seeing my roommate beside me. He looked absolutely terrified, and I could see he had been crying. He had no idea I was awake. When I told him later where he was standing he was shocked. He didn't think I was in there. I was choking on the damn tube. I couldn't pull half a breath on it. I wanted to punch the nurse who kept telling me not to fight the tube. I wasn't fighting it, I knew what it was. It was keeping me from breathing well and setting me off in a panic even though I knew I was okay.

I was moved from recovery to the SICU. The nurses there were shocked and outraged that I was wide awake and still intubated. Those precious ladies started making calls to get that damned thing out of me so I could breathe. Respritory came and called a few Doctors saying it needed to be done now the tube was too small. Finally at 9:15 PM it was done. I could breathe again. After letting me calm for a bit and deep breathe for awhile the nurses began to explain what had happened in surgery and what had been done to me. The c-section had gone fine. It was a girl. no one knew her stats at birth. I found out 2 days later. I asked if a nurse could get a picture for me and handed her my phone. She came back with several pictures, and one they had printed out in the NICU. I was refusing to let go of the picture. She looked so much like Evan had I didn't know how to handle it.

My ICU nurse explained I had been in surgery from 8:30AM to after 3PM. After the c-section my uterus began to bleed. It was splitting (I had expected that). They did a quick hysterectomy and gave me 4 units of blood. All of this was done before noon. Then the general surgery team decided to do something more than I had allowed. I knew there had been a hernia. I have had it for more than 8 years. I had told them before surgery that if they had to tack it to close (and only if it was causing issues closing) that would be fine, but nothing extensive, and I wanted no mesh. They decided to fix every one that they could find. I have mesh from about my pubic bone to just under my ribs now. That is why I was in surgery so long, and why they had to intubate me. I was in so much pain I couldn't even get to the NICU to see my little girl until she was 2 days old. It has been a week since surgery, and I am still having major issues moving. I have 5 different incisions on my stomach. They gave me 5 units of blood total during my stay. I will never consent to being put under ever again. I have even less trust for the medical profession now than I did going in.

Sorry for the long, disgusting birth story, but sadly that is what has happened. I just came home yesterday. I am waiting for my baby girl to be able to come home now too. Maybe then I will be able to forget some of this. No I will never forget it...maybe it will make it hurt less. I guess that is the best I can hope for.

36 weeks 3 days pregnant and stuck in the hospital. I have been here since September 1. C-section is set for Tuesday (unless my body goes into labor sooner). I am sitting here bored as could be thankful for the crappy wifi. So far we seem to have a live healthy baby. I had to come in due to a small bleed. Seems I have placenta praevia, and possible accreta. I am on hospital bedrest until I deliver which will be Tuesday according to their plans. Scared kitteh girl is driving herself insane. After losing Evan I am absolutely petrified. I sit here watching baby roll around inside of me and just hope all will be well until they can do surgery. I don't like the idea of general anesthesia. Scares the hell out of me considering I am the same age Donnie was when he passed. I will update when I can.

Please stop beating the snot out of me. We have about 10 weeks to go. I have to live in this body for the rest of my life...you do not. Please leave a few spots that are not painful. I do not appreciate you making a punching bag out of my bladder. In a couple of months you can kick me from the outside for a bit. I promise it will make both of our lives better if I am still able to walk when you are born.

K? Thx
Your battered Mother

Well my kitties are now scarred for life. I decided to get a bath instead of a shower, and of course they joined me in the bathroom. Their concerned stares turned into mews as I was sitting in the water. they then got on the side of the tub mewing and nose bopping my nose to make sure I was okay. LOL poor kitties.

No better morning wake up than hearing the clanking of chains on the person beside you.

I 1 2 1/2 6
*grins*

I just noticed the bag of restraints was moved to my side of the bed. I wonder if that is a hint.

I am writing this from Emerald Isle North Carolina...my first trip to the beach. I've been swimming, boogie boarding, and just generally exploring the beach. I feel pretty good. Not ill like I have been for so long. Magical waters (idiot surfers).

I always try to live when I get the chance. I have lived more in this past week...the past couple months really, than I have in my entire life.

He promised he would get me to the Ocean. I surely didn't expect I would get to be here for a week. I love my Boyfriend (I'd love him even if he couldn't have done this).

We're staying in a duplex...the neighbors, wow. The man goes out nightly with his torch light to signal the aliens that he saw last year (facepaw). At first I thought he was kidding, but he is dead serious.

So...for anyone who can't find me online...I should be home Monday
I do have AIM on my phone which I turn on a few times a day.

In more ways than one.

I guess I should throw in a warning here...this post is going to contain depressing subject materiel. It follows the normal flow of my life.

A few weeks ago I became really ill again suddenly. I haven't quite been well in a long time now. More than two years. Life has been spinning out of control for a long time now...more than six years. Back to what I was talking about. I got really ill. My boyfriend couldn't handle it anymore. His mind was literally beginning to snap, as was mine. He went to stay with a friend, and day by day I got worse. Seven days without eating anything solid. I couldn't get it down. I began to research my symptoms online again...as I have done so many times. This time something different came up with the keywords. Black Mold...I started checking over symptom lists panic rising more and more the more I read. I was only missing 2 or 3 symptoms out of about 30. It still isn't confirmed. I match the profile though. We could find the mold in the house as well. I was soon moved out into a friends home to begin recovering a bit from all the issues I have been having.

A couple days ago I went to visit my boyfriend...and all of my symptoms returned. We began to look over the apartment, and found a crack in the bathtub. His mind was still raging. Finally a reason as to why. My boyfriend and I are now staying with the same friend.

If you want to know the gory details of what I have been living with, and what I will continue to live with feel free to look up black mold illness. In short...I suffer memory loss like a dementia patient, I am dealing with an eating disorder that is making me lose weight and body size very fast (black mold causes anorexia), and the bottom line is my exposure went on so long that I will probably test positive for some form of cancer within the next couple years...if I don't already. I only hope my boyfriend didn't get he same amount of exposure. I hope he can live long and happy. This has been one hell of a life...

and I still want to live.

So much I want to do...


and I am going to do it.

In more ways than one.

I guess I should throw in a warning here...this post is going to contain depressing subject materiel. It follows the normal flow of my life.

A few weeks ago I became really ill again suddenly. I haven't quite been well in a long time now. More than two years. Life has been spinning out of control for a long time now...more than six years. Back to what I was talking about. I got really ill. My boyfriend couldn't handle it anymore. His mind was literally beginning to snap, as was mine. He went to stay with a friend, and day by day I got worse. Seven days without eating anything solid. I couldn't get it down. I began to research my symptoms online again...as I have done so many times. This time something different came up with the keywords. Black Mold...I started checking over symptom lists panic rising more and more the more I read. I was only missing 2 or 3 symptoms out of about 30. It still isn't confirmed. I match the profile though. We could find the mold in the house as well. I was soon moved out into a friends home to begin recovering a bit from all the issues I have been having.

A couple days ago I went to visit my boyfriend...and all of my symptoms returned. We began to look over the apartment, and found a crack in the bathtub. His mind was still raging. Finally a reason as to why. My boyfriend and I are now staying with the same friend.

If you want to know the gory details of what I have been living with, and what I will continue to live with feel free to look up black mold illness. In short...I suffer memory loss like a dementia patient, I am dealing with an eating disorder that is making me lose weight and body size very fast (black mold causes anorexia), and the bottom line is my exposure went on so long that I will probably test positive for some form of cancer within the next couple years...if I don't already. I only hope my boyfriend didn't get he same amount of exposure. I hope he can live long and happy. This has been one hell of a life...

and I still want to live.

So much I want to do...


and I am going to do it.

PMS is driving me frikkin insane. I am snippy and short with people, and that drives me batty. Come on...lets get this the fuck over with.

I have learned a lot since Donnies death.

Patience...now this lesson has been taught to me over and over, and is still being taught to me to this day. I don't always get what I want. No matter how much I may want something, and no matter how much I try, sometimes that goal may be unobtainable. I can live with that...sometimes. At times there is much swearing involved, but in the end I wrangle my own wants and emotions, and cap them off so it doesn't bother me so bad. So healthy I know lol.

Honesty...I cheated on him long ago. I felt justified in doing so because he constantly accused me. I know now that there is never a good reason to cheat. I found out later he was cheating on me as well. I no longer feel bad about what I did, but I will never do it to someone else. Being in an open relationship helps lol.

Doing without...Life got rough when he passed away. I could no longer afford most of my bills. Then I got with the bloodsucker who drank my funds dry. I am still hoping one day to have enough to cover my bills one month. All of my bills for a month. Every month. That has become my only goal in life when it comes to money. I am so used to not having enough, and juggling my bills from shut off notice to shut off notice that it doesn't bother me anymore. Little things make me super excited. I can't say that I do not like that. I love the fact that simple small things make me happy, and large things put me in disbelief.

Question everything...In his medical care his Mother refused to question the care he received. She would block me anytime I tried to question anything....things I knew weren't right. The medical knowledge I had told me something wasn't right, and I wasn't allowed to question the "professionals". Doctors are not gods...there are a few people in my life that I remind of this fact frequently, because they would follow anything that they were told by someone with a medical degree. If you have a good Doctor I am very happy for you, because one of those is very hard to find. I have had some horrible medical experiences. I lost my Husband to medical neglect. I have lost most of my faith in the medical profession. I question everything they tell me. I research before and after I see a Doctor. I still have no clue what is wrong with me. I am still ill. Still unable to eat solid foods much of the time. Still in constant pain, and still being ignored by the Doctors in the area. Going in with thrush and being written off as having a cold. It is so frustrating. Had I not lost Donnine I probably wouldn't be so questioning.

LIVE!!!! He was 36 when he passed away. I just turned 35 a couple weeks ago. My Father passed 4 months after Donnie at age 63, and my Mother passed 4 months ago at 61. I don't see myself having a long life expectancy. Financially I am blocked right now from most of the things I want to do, but I know that when I get that chance DO IT!!!! Life is short...far too short for some. They die without completing half of what they want to do in life because they keep thinking they have plenty of time....which brings me to my last point.
.
.
Never assume that you have tomorrow...
Never take for granted that you will wake up in the morning. You do not have that guarantee. Life is fragile. It is so easy to lose. Live in a way that you do not fear losing it. No regrets! This life is to be enjoyed...there is no other reason to exist. Do what you love. If you don't love it...change it! Never stay in a situation that you can't be happy...it isn't worth it. Make yourself happy! For some that is a family and kids, for others that is living on the road with nothing to tie you down. Do what you have to and be happy! You may not wake in the morning...live each day as though it could be your last.

and I believe I am losing my mind. I have so much stress piled up this year. The flashbacks are getting to me. Not sure how much longer I will be able to control...

Well as the weekend before my birthday has come I was hoping to have a little fun. My birthday falls on Wednesday this year, and the weekend after is Fathers Day (everyone goes out to eat it seems) it is kinda this weekend or nothing. I am a sad kitteh girl. Not even sure why, or what I want.

and get the snot knocked out of me...

Life seems to think I am some sort of punching bag. We have proven this time and time again that if I get the chance to be stepped on life will drop a boulder.

On the lighter side I still have my sanity...or do I?
Did I ever???

Where do I turn when I'm losing my grip?

I am so fed up with being ill. I was okay for about 5 or 6 weeks...out of the past 18 months. I never feel like I am getting enough air, random stomach pain, dizziness, confusion, chest pain, neck swelling and pain (causes more issues breathing), and other things. I just can't live like this. I can't even care for my home or my kids this way.
I have been shoved off by the hospitals here with things ranging from a cold, to it being in my head. This isn't in my head...others can see it. I have lost body size all over again. Nothing fits...what does doesn't fit right. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I spend my days sitting here, worrying how I will get the next bill paid, and life rolls past me.
I'm sorry I am poor and not worth it to society to help...but really...FUCK YOU! I will make your lives hell until you find out what is wrong with me...
You know I could go kill someone, and I might actually see medical care...more of a chance than I have seeing it sitting here "free".

So...emotionally I am not in control whatsoever tonight. I almost cried over coffee. I am not used to feeling so out of control. Life is getting fuzzy again. My mind just cannot keep up. I lock myself in my little world where no one can hurt me. I hide in my shame...living as normally as I possibly can. I keep pushing forward.

Sometimes I have no control over my emotions...tonight is one of those times. I am crying at anything. I think about things and the tears are just right there. Soon it will be two months that my Mother has been gone. Reality seems to be kinda setting in. It feels like my mind is slipping. Oh to be able to numb the pain to a point I could keep my sanity ( what's left of it).

Sometimes it all begins to burn inside of me again and again. The tears burn as they Well up behind my eyes. They seem to come from nowhere. Sometimes I just cannot stop them. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. It's painful to know I have been disowned sometimes. I think that was made pretty clear to me in my Brother not getting me up there for Moms funeral.'

Mom passed away in February. I was down really sick the last week or so of her life. I still have not regained the ability to hear on the telephone. Do you know how frustrating life becomes when you can no communicate simply like everyone else? I get to my bills the day that they are threatening to Shut whatever it is that I need to pay off. It sucks living from shut off notice to shut off notice. My brother has never experienced that yet. He has always been at Moms borrowing money ( by the thousands), I have always fought to get by. With Mom gone I have to fight even harder. Sometimes I don't know what direction to look next, but somehow we make it by....we keep pushing forward. *wipes eyes*

Sometimes I just want to run away in the worst way.

Sooo as Mom is lying on her death bed, and we are trying to bargain with the school for time off so he can go to Ohio to see his Grandmother before she passes...
They shut the water off. No notice, no knock at the door, No bill this month matter of fact. I am so damn frustrated right now! The school won't give a straight answer about him missing a week. He might pass if he goes, and he might not. They said they couldn't tell me till the end of the school year...

Grrrrr.

Scream!!!

Okay kinda better. Not really. I went to the emergency room this morning complaining I am still sick (go figure). After a couple times of starting to panic I finally began to calm down. I have been going in for months complaining of the same symptoms. This time someone finally listened! I was given 2 breathing treatments, and a new inhaler. Then a dose of antibiotics, and a dose of steroids. So now I am home (they would have kept me but I [panic and become combative sometimes), and on all these meds. Prednisone, and bi polar don't mix well.

Now to add insult to injury. My Mothers caretaker decides to give me an eyefull (on facebook) because I haven't called my Mother. I have fluid behind both ears so bad I can barely hear someone in the same room. A phone isn't happening. I realize my Mother is sick and in the hospital, and may not see tomorrow. I am also 500 miles from there with no car, and a broken phone. I don't need it explained how shameful it is that I have not called. I really don't need that when my blood pressure is in stroke range.

If anyone read thanks for listening to my complaining. I think being able to vent is what keeps me from murdering anyone...

Like I do...

The 12 days of FB... 12 blank screens... 11 locked up links... 10 games not working... 9 days of screaming... 8 posts not posting... 7 emails bitching... 6 times refreshing... 5 salty tears... .4 gifts missing... 3 broken mice... 2 therapists... and a programmer hanging from a treeeeee!!!