There is a fine line between pleasure and pain...it is easy to cross. At the least I have bruised ribs, arm, and carpet burn. Lesson about the loveseat learned (doubtful). Ah the things I get to learn in my life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUdiQWxps5E

Sentimental mood...not sure what is up with me.

If I can possibly fuck it up it seems I will. I'm manic and this house is driving me nuts! I can't keep up. When I try to do anything I screw it up. Broke a plate doing dishes tonight, and somehow managed to kick a rotting pumpkin as I was coming up the steps into the house. Destroyed my slippers I love to wear around here, and the pants I was wearing. I can assure I won't be sleeping tonight, and if this gets much worse...neither will anyone else. Fucking fed up with not being able to do what I need to.

I am nowhere close to the person I was five years ago. I was a recent widow raising a tween and a newborn baby girl alone and absolutely terrified. Going to Anthrocon in 2010 was a big turning point for me. My experience there gave me just enough confidence to step out and try some new things which ultimately resulted in me moving. The past year has been a hell of a ride...the past five have been a hell of a ride as well. Things have calmed some. Still trying new things though lol.

This morning I got news that my late husbands grandmother had died. This sucks...I loved that little old woman. Her youngest child is 51 I believe, and my own daughter had her great grandmother for 5 yrs. I think that awesome considering I never had any great grandparents living when I was born. My own grandparents passed last year. Well my middle child is with her grandmother (this womans daughter) She has already lost her only child and husband over the last 5 yrs, and I fear this will drive her past what she can take. I keep having visions of my girl in an accident with her. I am currently fighting her for custody so I can't exactly go grab her. I hate that I can see this so clearly...Here is hoping she takes my mothers offer to watch my girl for a few days for her. *screams*

Not like I should ever think. I seem to get myself into trouble every time that I do. I'm happy...there is no other way to say that. Life is still trying to fall apart, but I am improving. I think too much though. I have to stop trying to make sense out of everything. I wonder how the "normal" people do it. I have come to accept I am not "normal" in any way. I still wonder why the hell I am here, but not so much as to why I keep fighting.

Well screw that...I wish things all the time. Quietly...at the back of my mind. Sometimes I just sit here and wonder what the hell it was that began my life spinning out of control. I know my biggest downfall was when Donnie died...lol hell maybe it was when I married him. I had no identity of my own if that makes any sense. While married to him I sort of assumed the role of wife not even knowing I had existed before. Then suddenly he was gone. No way of ever getting him back. Death is so amazingly final, When he was gone I lost that identity. I was suddenly his widow. I hate that word. No one below 50 should ever have to refer to themselves as one. The word just feels lonely. It fit me well because I was. That is kinda how Mike came into my life. I was lonely. I now wish that I had never married him. I had that sick feeling when I got married to him just wanting to run and get as far away as possible. I felt so trapped. A few yrs later it became really obvious that I might be as the situation worsened. In the past year I have began to discover a sense of who I am. Wild colored hair and all...maybe I do act a lot like a teenager. I do take responsibility for my own actions though. When I got sick several months back for awhile I fully lost my will to live. That will has been teetering on edge a lot lately. I don't think I have much cared to live since April when all hell broke loose with my health. Until recently...

I am still not convinced that I am going to make it. Sometimes Donnie is still to fresh on my mind. Losing Evan was like a swift kick in the teeth while I was still on the ground. Not like I wasn't punished enough...take my baby away too...that finalness. Everyone seems to leave me forever. Ahhh depressed injured rant over.

It's amazing how things catch up to you in time. With all the happenings of the past years even I keep thinking I should be insane by now...or maybe I am already. I am still moving forward, making changes, trying to keep it together hoping no one notices the fear in my eyes. I have had a year of immense change that some friends have admitted they didn't believe I would survive it. There have been a lot of times over the past year that I have just wanted to give up. I am lucky that I have friends that have been around to help me, and at times push me forward.

I am alone in the crowd though. The flashbacks come at random now. Once I will be sitting at Donnies bedside only days before he passed, and a few hours later I see my little boy laying lifeless in my arms after his birth. Still in others I relive horrors of my own past. Things I cannot just make go away. In some ways I feel like I failed them both. Sometimes I just want to scream.

For the most part I am alright. I am still losing weight at a slower pace now, and am trying my best to keep up at the pace I need for life. Some days I am worthless, but I think I am improving. I hope.

Yeah just what I said. So rare that I am ever told...or even requested with some force behind it. Hmmm

At least it would have been. Ten yrs ago tonight my first husband and I were camping out and finding it funny trying to keep our hands off each other till the next day (we didn't exact;y wait, but sex wasn't a habit either). I don't advise this. We made it through the night, but I could never do that again. Not the best 5 yrs of my life, but I can't think of anything I would trade it with. We didn't always get along, but I did love him. I still love him. I miss him. I did him so wrong, and now I get to deal with that. Never to be the same.

Okay...I was really sick. Still not awesome. Last couple days of antibiotics. I still don't feel well. I am pretty weak as of yet. Eating habits are horrible. I love the taste of food for the 3-4 bites I can get down. Ensure has become what keeps me going.
About the illness...all I need to say is yes it was bad, and I had a decently close brush with my mortality.

And in that I decided that I want to live.

I am not exactly sure why, even if it is only to piss off the ones who want to watch me crash and burn.

I need to get back into writing that I know. My mind spins even faster when I am not writing.

Guess I should put this jumble of thoughts to rest for the night.

Yeah it has been awhile. I have been busy in the strangest ways. Those who know me know what my last months have involved, and they have been rather fun. Right now I am hurt. My trust was betrayed by a friend. Not an easy thing to deal with.

I will upload pics in a bit to cover my ever changing appearance.

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
LOL yeah

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
Anytime is good

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
Doesn't matter

4. Do you masturbate?
Often yes

5. How often? Lately?
On a good day at least twice

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
Nope

7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
Depends on my mood

8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
Nope

9. Do you watch/read pornography?
Ummm.....yes

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
Aggressive is awesome. I am really passive.

11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
Yes

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
Nope
13. Would you choose love or money?
love

14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
omg lol Lets just say I am not into scat.

15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
Yes

16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
Camping out in a tent

17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
Supply closet at work

18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
Yes...Mom when I was 15

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes

20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
nope

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
Nope

22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
nope

23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
Yes

24. What's your sexuality?
Bi

25. Had sex in a movie theater?
Nope...but my best friend growing up did right beside me. Missed a bit of that movie.

26. Had sex in a bathroom?
Yes

27. Have you ever had sex at work?
See question about strangest place

28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
lol yup

29. Bought something from an adult store?
Yeah

30. Do you own any sex toys?
Of course!

31. If yes, how many and what are they?
Currently 3 and I will let you guess

32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
Pics yes....lol

33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
Nope

34. Have you ever had phone sex?
Yes

35. Have you ever had cyber sex?
Ummmm yeah

36. Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
Sexual intercourse, also known as copulation or coitus, commonly refers to the act in which the male reproductive organ enters the female reproductive tract.
so no....
(Keeps Orians answer)

37. What's your favorite sexual position?
LOL *sings* Face down a** up...

38. What's your favorite sex act?
Rough intercourse

39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
Yes
(Double couple MFMF)

40. Who do you think has the guts to re-post this?
LOL on my list....maybe one person and no clue who.

Hair bleach and hot pink dye. I am open to ideas lol. Exactly what to do with this...hmmmm! LOL come on guys....photos will follow in a couple days.

I spent 80 minutes on the telephone today with the ex husband. He is begging me to let him come back....omg it is driving me nuts! No I will not let him come back. Grrrrr...rant over.

It is Christmas time again, and I was hoping to make it a good thing this year with the move and all. Ummm Not!! I really would prefer to skip it. I am becoming mean and hateful. I have been in so much pain the past few weeks, that even I am not sure exactly what to do with myself.

*sigh* Dust everywhere! I knew this would happen once they began to harvest the fields right around me. LOL doesn't mean I was ready for it. I have a toddler tornado that is helping with the mess. I am amazed with myself today though. I woke at 7AM, and 2 hours later I have the dishes done, and some picking up done. Going to have to move the furniture today and do a full top to bottom cleaning of each room. Heh what happened to me?

I looked into the mirror today...wow. I am sad to say it, but the last few months is really causing my age to start to show. My hair was once only lightly graced with a few gray ones here and there. It isn't just a few anymore. I see many. I just dyed it 3 weeks ago, and I can see them peppered all though my hair again. And I have earned every damned one of them. As I was walking through the house thinking this morning I came to a few realizations. I have left the bulk of hell behind me a few states away. I am lucky I wasn't there when everything broke loose. Had I made it home...not even sure I want to think about that. Yet I have to...if I had made it home I would have lost absolutely everything. Everything...not just my home and pets, but my children as well. Probably my sanity (what is left of it), and last of all because I would have felt there was nothing else to lose...I would have lost my freedom, and possibly my life. Desperate women will do desperate things. I get that way when my children are threatened (Lioness). Granted I may be missing one of my kids currently, but she is safe, and I can get her...I will get her back. when I left for home on September 10, I didn't even realize what I was about to face. It really would have probably been the end of me. If not for my friends that took me in until my car was fixed, I probably wouldn't be sitting here typing this.

I am 33 yrs old. Totally starting over in life. My kids deserve that chance. They deserve to be able to make their own reputations where who their mother is won't matter. In so many ways I can see where I have changed (I hope the man I love doesn't mind them). I have come to realize that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I have never wanted to believe that. To me most strong people are assholes. I am beginning to discover you can be strong and modestly humble all at the same time. I don't like to be at the forefront of things. I like to hide in the back corner and watch.

Actually I am not sure I am the same person I was last time I was online all the time. In a sense SL represents my escape from the reality of where I was. I love all of my friends from there dearly. I will still be on SL, but I am not going to let it overtake my life. Granted...my fight is far from over (still need to get divorced, and get a child back), but I feel the worst is behind me now. I left it about 500 miles behind me.

To steal a line from VNV Nation....

As clear to me as now
Is the moment when I knew
That I can let it go
That it's time to let it go
And with it came the feeling, strange
I'd waited for it all my life
I didn't feel alone

It might take time....but it is time to let it go. Let the past of hell stay behind me.

A year later and I am still trying to figure out where I went wrong. Did I do something wrong? Remembering back I fell on Friday the 18th. That was the first time that I noticed the decrease in movement. I can't get it out of my head that something was already wrong at that point. I don't remember the movement like I should. I remember a strong kick not long after the fall, and that honestly made me think everything was ok. It wasn't ok. The words "walking stillbirth waiting to happen" still cross my mind daily. I abandoned that doctor for a reason. He was absolutely cruel with me. He wasn't great with Mandy either. Everything was fine a week before. I just don't get this. Something was wrong and I knew it that weekend, and I didn't do a damn thing. I ignored what I knew. Would a trip to the ER have prevented it? Would the early delivery have prevented it? Would I have lost him anyway at a few weeks old? I still can't get past the fact that I knew something was wrong and I didn't act. Not a whiner doesn't even begin to describe me. I don't even complain when I should. Why oh why didn't I say I thought there was a problem? The look on the nurses face. I knew. I knew when I went in to the appointment that he was gone. I had this slim hope I would hear a heartbeat. It was really slim, but it was still hope. The hour I waited for ultrasound was like torture.
I don't know why I keep blaming myself. Maybe I am to blame. I should have listened? I don't know. I don't know that it would have made a difference. I will never know. Maybe the blame for this is mine...maybe not. I will never know. I know I will probably always blame myself. It never should have happened. All I know for sure is the walking stillbirth waiting to happen did happen, and now I have no clue how to deal with it.

Well at this point I am looking at $600 plus in car repairs. Bent tie rod, 2 bad tires, bad front brakes, and bad front rotors. Sigh I hate this. I think a few people thought I was lying about the car issues. My mom being the main one. Surprise mom! I shouldn't have made it here without a decent accident. Rolling down a mountain would have to be my preference if I had to pick. I know...my morbid sense of humor has to go. Oh well. At least it has finally been established I am not lying. I mean why the hell would I lie about my vehicle. Makes absolutely no sense! So maybe back on the road tomorrow. Sadly it will probably be Friday. I really don't even care anymore.

It is frightening to admit when you are totally helpless, and at this point....I am. I really thought I would never see the day. I am in North Carolina right now. I am incredibly depressed, and in some trouble due to car problems. Unless I can get access to some resources this will be my last night in the hotel. When I do make it home (if I make it home) I face a ton of shit there as well. I am not dealing with any of this well at all, and several times I have come very close to ending it. I cannot keep going like this. My mother believes I am down here having so much fun. I have been crying and fighting the urge to end it all since Saturday night. Sounds so fun doesn't it? I am alone in a little hotel room with skype, and the phone being my only real means of communication. My only contact to the outside world. I am absolutely petrified. I hate myself for ever taking this trip. I am so depressed I can no longer eat. Just not hungry whatsoever. For the first time....I cannot handle it. I have no clue what I am going to do, and hanging here crying isn't doing me any good. If (I do mean if) I disappear it is no ones fault but my own. Call it dumb luck, or call it stupidity, but I already had problems to deal with at home before I left, and I left anyway. The problems here have only compounded these issues. I have lost all hope of things ever being okay again. I have no clue where to turn from here.

Eleven months later my thoughts still are not clear. It doesn't seem to matter what I do there are days that this seems like nothing more than a nightmare. I am still fighting to wake up. Even thought I know that this is reality I still fight to wake up. I am not sure if it is that I cannot accept this life as my reality, or if I just don't want to. Probably both. Yet I know this is my reality. No matter how much this seems like some horrible nightmare that I cannot escape...this is my reality.
I remember checking into the hospital for delivery. Standing at the nurses station waiting for my paperwork to be processed. There was a bassinet behind the nurses station with a little boy being monitored. I remember staring at him. He was so cute. I think that was the second I realized I wouldn't be bringing a baby home. I choked back the tears. One or two were able to slip, but no one noticed. I couldn't believe I wasn't going to be bringing my son home after all of this time.
The pregnancy was rough anyway. I didn't want to be pregnant to begin with. I was pissed that I was pregnant. my husband wasn't working, and showed no interest in going back to work with a fourth child coming. I knew there was no way I could afford the baby. By the time I was seven months along I was no longer freaking out. It hurt to stand, walk, lie down, and sometimes even to sit. I can't begin to describe the pain, but most of the time I wished I was dead so I wouldn't have to deal with it every second of every day. The pregnancy progressed to term, and the pain was worse. I could barely walk without crying and wanting to scream. I didn't complain though. I couldn't...no one would listen anyway, and even if they did I would be considered a whiner.
The biggest thing I noticed about Evans birth that was so different was the silent birth. With my other three children everyone in the operating room was talking (all of my children have been c-sections). This time everyone was silent...totally silent as he was brought out into this world that he would never take a breath in, or open his eyes to. Everyone kept looking at me as though they expected me to lose it. I guess I am too bullheaded for that. I was the strong woman that everyone expected me to be...even more so than anyone expected. Somehow I smiled when they brought him to me to see. I was staring directly at my little boy, and softly stroking his cheek totally disconnected from the entire situation.
I was taken back to my room for recovery afterward, and Evan was handed to me to hold. I took him wanting to hold on to every second I could have and trying to make an imprint of his face on my mind I would never forget. Sadly that memory is cloudy only 11 months later. Pictures were taken. The only way I have left to remember my baby's face. I held him for nine hours, and handed him to the funeral director of my choice personally. I had to do that myself, and that was my own heart driving me to do it. I was his Mother, and he was my responsibility.
My husband had left the hospital at 6PM the day he was born (on a Tuesday), and I didn't see him again until Friday night at my Mothers house. The funeral director showed up, and I made the plans to bury my Son. Still smiling and laughing at times. I must seem the cold hearted bitch, but this is what I was raised to be. I show very little emotion, and this case was no different. Hell when I called my Mother to tell her Evan wasn't alive anymore she was the one losing it on the phone. I was a stone as usual. I always seem to be. I guess many times I am too strong for my own good. I spent from Tuesday night to Friday night in that hospital alone left to my thoughts. I recall tears slipping twice, but never really crying. In the words of my Father..."cry and I will really give you something to cry about". Somehow this didn't qualify as a time I was allowed to cry.
Sunday was the funeral. What would have been my parents 40th anniversary was now my Sons burial. There was actually a lot of laughter. I stood there watching my Daughters, and my Son sitting on the grave of my first husband chattering and laughing. I couldn't help but laugh seeing them. They were all so cute together playing like that. Thinking back I can't think of much that would be more morbid, yet I giggled. I had just buried my youngest. Only three years before I had buried my second child's Father and Husband of five years.
I came home to a filthy house (he would not help me clean at all, and didn't do a thing while I was in the hospital), to sit in front of my laptop...just lost. I wasn't allowed to do anything really. Only sit, and walk some. My incision became infected and I was put on 4 more weeks of rest. Six weeks I sat here drowning myself in websites and chat, fully disconnected from the reality of life. I updated things bluntly that Evan was gone. Condolences came in. I had no clue what to do with that. I hadn't accepted it as reality. I watched women leave the hospital with babies, and I left with a small box containing the clothes that wouldn't fit him, footprints, and a lock of his hair. Somehow that doesn't seem very fair to me.
Eleven months later I hold tight to those few mementos of the Son I never got to meet. I try to remember what it was like to hold him. My arms ache to hold him again. My late husband never opened his eyes in the two weeks before he died, and Evan never opened them at all. Ironic all I ever wanted from both of them was to see them open their eyes. I sit late at night all alone and remember. The memories flood back on me painfully. Yet I still wonder if it was all a nightmare. I hope it was a nightmare, and soon someone will shake me awake. Still I know this is my reality, and I won't be waking up, because sadly I am not asleep, and somehow I have to face that this is my world...the truth despite what my mind would love to believe.

I have finally set a date to head out the door. Sometime on Friday morning I will toss my bag and my laptop into the car, and I will be on my way to North Carolina. This trip actually has two purposes. One is to meet some friends that I have known online for a long time. Going to have several first time meetings, and one very special meeting with a very very sweet guy. *giggles* I am so excited. I am very excited to meet friends, but he brings a new excitement all it's own. My second reason is to pick up my youngest from her Father. When I return home it will be my first time here with all three kids since I had the husband leave. Being a single mom to three kids scares me, but I think I can do this. LOL what choice do I have? I am not bringing him back.

The depression is really starting to lighten. The stress is mostly gone. It is awesome to almost feel human again! It isn't like I expect the depression to fully leave. It has always been there ever since I could remember, but the break is soooooo welcomed!

Heheheheeee look out world.......this kitteh is back and ready to experience life!

It is fast approaching a year that my baby boy has been gone. The pain still as fresh as the day I saw him on ultrasound, and his little heart was no longer beating. I have no clue what to do with this pain. Everyday it is waiting for me when I wake up. I face my day knowing he isn't with me, and never will be. My grief only seen when I am alone. The pain that lurks just beneath...waiting to jump into my day. The pain that only a parent who has lost a child can know. Suffering in silence.
They didn't even have to tell me he was gone...I knew. By what I could see on the ultrasound I knew. I remember thinking "please don't drive me insane like this" while waiting an hour for a nurse to get me into ultrasound. She couldn't find the heartbeat and blamed the dopplar. She left me in that room for an hour...alone. I knew then he was gone. I still remember being in there choking back tears, knowing my son was dead, not wanting to believe it. I still don't want to believe it.
Daily things come to mind. Guilt I can never seem to shake. I still can't figure out what I did wrong. I know most likely I did nothing, but still it is hard to shake the thought that we are supposed to keep our children safe, and I could not even keep this one safe while he was a part of me.
Many times I don't want to go on. I am haunted by the face of my little boy. I ache to hold him, love him, see him open his eyes just one time. These past months have been so surreal. I would do anything to get my baby back, and I know there isn't a thing I can do to have this...nor can anyone.
If I never hear "Well you have three healthy children, and you should be glad" ever again it will still be too soon. That really hurts. Yes I have three healthy kids...why not the fourth? Some days I don't even want to go on. The thought of moving on without my boy is too much sometimes.