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And the decision was......
General | Posted 15 years agoLaptop! I got a new one.
http://www.staples.com/HP-Pavilion-.....P4118:CL161747
I love this thing!!!! It runs Second Life so sweetly!!!!! Unless something breaks and I decide to go to MFF, then my next con will either be Morphicon, or Anthrocon again. Anthrocon for sure next year!!
My husband is currently living 300 miles away with my youngest. I don't miss him. I am going insane over her. I want my baby girl home. Things are relatively calm here other than the occassional SL drama, or an outburts from the oldest child (only one home with me).
http://www.staples.com/HP-Pavilion-.....P4118:CL161747
I love this thing!!!! It runs Second Life so sweetly!!!!! Unless something breaks and I decide to go to MFF, then my next con will either be Morphicon, or Anthrocon again. Anthrocon for sure next year!!
My husband is currently living 300 miles away with my youngest. I don't miss him. I am going insane over her. I want my baby girl home. Things are relatively calm here other than the occassional SL drama, or an outburts from the oldest child (only one home with me).
Who are you to me
General | Posted 15 years agoStolen from BlackCatOrian
1) Who are you?
2) Are we friends?
3) When and how did we meet?
4) Would you kiss me?
5) Give me a nickname and explain why.
6) Describe me in 1 word.
7) What was your first impression of me?
8) Do you still think the same?
9) What reminds you of me?
10) If you could give me anything, what would it be?
11) How well do you know me?
12) Are you gonna put this in your journal and see what I say about you?
13) Would you meet up with me?
1) Who are you?
2) Are we friends?
3) When and how did we meet?
4) Would you kiss me?
5) Give me a nickname and explain why.
6) Describe me in 1 word.
7) What was your first impression of me?
8) Do you still think the same?
9) What reminds you of me?
10) If you could give me anything, what would it be?
11) How well do you know me?
12) Are you gonna put this in your journal and see what I say about you?
13) Would you meet up with me?
Being forced into a decision (and random thoughts)
General | Posted 15 years agoWell I have a choice. I can either go to Indy Fur Con (which I would absolutely love to do after going to AnthroCon last month, or I can replace this poor, trying to die laptop. I am really strongly leaning toward the laptop considering I was gone 5 days last month for AC. Also I am looking at being gone to North Carolina next week for 3 days at the least. I really don't think I can justify going to Indiana for another four days, and leaving the kids with sitters for that amount of time again.
The husband has been gone about 3 weeks now. This has been more a celebration of freedom than anything. Honestly...I want to play. I want to get out and see some parts of life that I have overlooked, and have fun. My first husband was 36 when he died. I am 3 yrs from that. Life is short. I don't want to go out saying OMG I wish I would have done these things. I really want to do them instead of just dreaming and wishing. I have absolutely awesome friends....sadly none living close, but they support me in what I do, and if I am headed toward something stupid they tell me (Love you guys).
Now I shall return you to your regularly scheduled lives!
(also need to replace an air conditioner.....con, spend, con, spend.....ahhhh decisions decisions)
The husband has been gone about 3 weeks now. This has been more a celebration of freedom than anything. Honestly...I want to play. I want to get out and see some parts of life that I have overlooked, and have fun. My first husband was 36 when he died. I am 3 yrs from that. Life is short. I don't want to go out saying OMG I wish I would have done these things. I really want to do them instead of just dreaming and wishing. I have absolutely awesome friends....sadly none living close, but they support me in what I do, and if I am headed toward something stupid they tell me (Love you guys).
Now I shall return you to your regularly scheduled lives!
(also need to replace an air conditioner.....con, spend, con, spend.....ahhhh decisions decisions)
Anthrocon!!!!!!
General | Posted 15 years agoYup yup yup! Tis where I am!!!! It is absolutely overwhelming too. Well considering this is my first con.....ever. But I am loving it! Fully exhausted!
packed and ready (I hope)
General | Posted 15 years agoAnthrocon is my first Fur Con ever! I am literally petrified right now as I am trying to make sure everything is going to fall into place. I am so excited! To my friends who don't get to go. *BIG HUGS* here is hoping all of this works out and goes smoothly!
My fine is $855.60
General | Posted 15 years agoStolen from BlackCatOrian
The Rules: This is fun to do. Just read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine.
You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
NOTE: fines to be added once, not for how ever many times you have done it. And be honest.
Smoked weed -- $10
Did acid or pills -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace/Facebook/Bebo/FA? etc -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Cross dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive and drank -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a vehicle while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video or took pictures -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in public -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex --$25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars-- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under the age accepted by rule of thumb (half your age plus 7) -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time-- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Pissed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
Tally it up and put it on your status as: "My Fine Is..." (nothing else) then repost.
But I am a good girl......lol so I thought!
The Rules: This is fun to do. Just read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine.
You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.
NOTE: fines to be added once, not for how ever many times you have done it. And be honest.
Smoked weed -- $10
Did acid or pills -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace/Facebook/Bebo/FA? etc -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Cross dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive and drank -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a vehicle while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video or took pictures -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in public -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex --$25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars-- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under the age accepted by rule of thumb (half your age plus 7) -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time-- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Pissed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
Tally it up and put it on your status as: "My Fine Is..." (nothing else) then repost.
But I am a good girl......lol so I thought!
Anthrocon!
General | Posted 15 years agoOmg I am going!!!! I have managed to arrange babysitters, pet/housesitters, and get a ride, and a room! I didn't think you could do that last minute! I am so so so so so excited!!!!
Girl Quiz (I really fail!)
General | Posted 15 years ago[ ] You own over 10 bottles of nail polish
[ ] You own a designer purse
[ ] You own perfume that cost over $60
[] You had/have fake nails
[] You have more hair products and body products than you can use
[ ] Your pet is a Chihuahua/Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier(mix)/Siamese/Shih Tzu/mini anything
[ ] You have clothes/shoes/accessories for your pet.
[ ] You have enough clothes to cover an entire refugee camp
[ ] You have enough pictures to create your own wallpaper
[ ] A pink comforter, carpeting, walls or sheets
Total So Far: 0
Do you:
[] Spend more time at the mall than you do at homework
[x] Have had a hair color that is not natural.
[ ] Have "blond moments" at least once a day.
[] Buy stuff because it's awesome and then never wear/use it
[] Constantly keep your phone at your side.
[x] Dance around in your room when nobody else is home
[] Have a name for your car.
[ ] Know what celebrity is dating who and who broke up this week.
[ ] Refuse to go out in public without makeup
[ ] Prefer to be called "princess"
Total So Far: 2
Do you love:
[ ] Makeup
[ ] Glitter
[ ] The color Pink
[ ] Jewelry
[ ] Mirrors
[ ] Chick flicks
[ ] Shoes
[ ] Rainbows
[ ] Unicorns
[ ] Disney Movies
[ ] Flowers
[x] Stuffed Animals
[ ] Purses
Total So Far: 3
Do you shop at:
[ ] Coach
[ ] Forever 21
[ ] Victoria's Secret
[ ] Guess
[] Claire's
[ ] Express
[ ] Delia's
[ ] Hollister
[] American Eagle
[ ] Abercrombie Fitch
[ ] Aeropostale
Total So Far: 3
Do you say:
[] Whatever
[] Oh my god
[ ] Hun
[ ] Fugly
[x] That's hot
[ ] Dunzo
[ ] Darling
[ ] Bff
[ ] Cutie
[] Hottie
[] Skank
[ ] Totally
[ ] For Sure
[ ] Fabulous
Total So Far: 4
Do you read:
[] Cosmopolitan
[ ] Glamour
[ ] Marie Claire
[ ] Elle Girl
[ ] Teen Vogue
[ ] People [[ wtf? ]]
[ ] Us Weekly
[ ] Star
[ ] Self
[ ] PerezHilton.com
[ ] Dlisted.com
[ ] Seventeen [[ used to ]]
[ ] people.com
[ ] usmagazine.com
[ ] popsugar.com
[ ] Pink Is The New Blog.com
Total So Far: 4
Do you love these:
[ ] Legally Blonde
[ ] Elizabethtown
[ ] Mean Girls
[ ] Now & Then
[ ] The Notebook
[ ] A Walk to Remember
[ ] Sweet Home Alabama
[ ] Where the Heart is
[ ] Just My luck
[ ] John Tucker Must Die
[ ] Center stage
[ ] Bring it On
[ ] How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
[ ] Mona Lisa Smile
[ ] My Girl
[ ] The Wedding Date
[ ] 10 Things I Hate About You
Total So Far: 4
Do you really enjoy:
[] America's Next Top Model
[ ] Project Runway
[ ] Desperate Housewives
[ ] The Simple Life
[ ] 8th & Ocean
[ ] Sex & the City
[ ] Grey's Anatomy
[ ] The O.C.
[ ] The City
[ ] Nip/Tuck
[ ] Gilmore Girls
[ ] Degrassi
Grand total: 4.
Take your total and multiply it by 2. Then repost this as "I am #% Girly." With the number you got as the percent of course.
lol omg only 8% Fuck the guys could beat me on this
And so it goes
General | Posted 15 years agoYes I just borrowed a song title.....
Well okay, only some would know that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHO6a2H-pqY
Tomorrow would have been my 9th wedding anniversary with my late husband. The thoughts swirling inside of my mind are almost unreasonable. In the worst way it still feels like he chose to leave me here. I know that is absolutely insane, but I can't help but think it at times. I still remember sitting at his bedside....granted we hadn't had the best marriage....but I was willing to offer anything, anything at all. Anything for him to have stayed with me. Next month it will be 4 years that he has been gone. never to be able to see him again...misunderstandings that can never be cleared up now. So many things left unsaid, and my life left in pieces. There is an adorable little girl who will never know her Daddy, a boy who lost his trust as it was beginning to build, and me all alone in a corner watching it all as disconnected as I can manage so I don't lose it. That is how I handle things. I disconnect myself from them. Never really dealing with it, or only dealing when I actually have the time. So again I face tomorrow like a broken little girl. The pain slightly lighter than the day I lost him. Pain that never goes, and I know never totally will.
Well okay, only some would know that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHO6a2H-pqY
Tomorrow would have been my 9th wedding anniversary with my late husband. The thoughts swirling inside of my mind are almost unreasonable. In the worst way it still feels like he chose to leave me here. I know that is absolutely insane, but I can't help but think it at times. I still remember sitting at his bedside....granted we hadn't had the best marriage....but I was willing to offer anything, anything at all. Anything for him to have stayed with me. Next month it will be 4 years that he has been gone. never to be able to see him again...misunderstandings that can never be cleared up now. So many things left unsaid, and my life left in pieces. There is an adorable little girl who will never know her Daddy, a boy who lost his trust as it was beginning to build, and me all alone in a corner watching it all as disconnected as I can manage so I don't lose it. That is how I handle things. I disconnect myself from them. Never really dealing with it, or only dealing when I actually have the time. So again I face tomorrow like a broken little girl. The pain slightly lighter than the day I lost him. Pain that never goes, and I know never totally will.
But it still hurts
General | Posted 15 years agoIt has been over 7 months that my boy has been gone. Why is it just beginning to hit me harder now? So many things I want to say, but I don't. What I want to say will never bring him back to me. All of that for nothing but a few memories tied up in a box, and a hole inside of me that can never be filled. Someday maybe it will only be a scar. Right now, it wound that heals a bit, and is broken open over and over.
He would be pulling up on things, Giving random giggles and screams of happiness. He would be beginning baby food...oh the things he would have been doing at this point. I absolutely feel cheated right now. I had to go through an entire pregnancy, a month of pre-labor, Back pain so bad I dreaded walking through a parking lot, surgery, and recovery. Only to come home empty handed...no baby....only pictures, the memory of holding him, and a little box of memories. Some days I have to convince myself this was all real. The things I have tell me it was.....that he was real, but my mind cannot grasp that......I don't want to accept that. I want my little boy back in the worst way.
The worst part has to be that there was no reason. There is always a reason. they just can't find said reason...Something happened....I get that.....now what happened? I fell a few days before...tripped on something, and for that I will forever blame myself for what they cannot find.
He would be pulling up on things, Giving random giggles and screams of happiness. He would be beginning baby food...oh the things he would have been doing at this point. I absolutely feel cheated right now. I had to go through an entire pregnancy, a month of pre-labor, Back pain so bad I dreaded walking through a parking lot, surgery, and recovery. Only to come home empty handed...no baby....only pictures, the memory of holding him, and a little box of memories. Some days I have to convince myself this was all real. The things I have tell me it was.....that he was real, but my mind cannot grasp that......I don't want to accept that. I want my little boy back in the worst way.
The worst part has to be that there was no reason. There is always a reason. they just can't find said reason...Something happened....I get that.....now what happened? I fell a few days before...tripped on something, and for that I will forever blame myself for what they cannot find.
Everything Shatters
General | Posted 15 years agoGot news yesterday that my husbands family will not be coming to get him. Well there goes an easier approach. I spent my night barely thinking beyond cutting and death. Ok mostly the latter. I am not sure where I am going from here. All day I have been taking crap over one thing or another. I can't take much more of this. My grasp on reality is getting shaky, and I am afraid I am going to lose it all together. I watched the hope that I had shatter right in front of me. I can't live like this. I have to do something...that is all that I know for sure right now.
First visit down
General | Posted 15 years agoSigh....well my little one is back home from her first visit with grandma under the court. Ugh I do not like this at all.
Friday I had her at Grandmas at exactly 6 PM ad I was instructed....guess who wasn't home. She had come to my house to try to pick her up early....bad start. So waiting lands me a wet carseat from a little lady who couldn't hold it any longer. Well delivery was amazingly on time....overdressed, She had her in a jacket and a turtleneck. Ummmm it is 60 degrees out there. Then we spent 15 minutes playing find the bear so it can go back to grandmas. I was pinned under a 2 yr old trying to talk to someone, and she is insisting I get up and find this bear now....I don't be thinking so. Once that was all over Olivia begins to scream because Grandma told her she could just stay with her......sigh
Then to top my night off....I thought I was steady in cutting tonight. I had to let off some of this or I was going to overload.....I slipped....long story...not horrible wound. It is butterflied.....gah one more thing!
Friday I had her at Grandmas at exactly 6 PM ad I was instructed....guess who wasn't home. She had come to my house to try to pick her up early....bad start. So waiting lands me a wet carseat from a little lady who couldn't hold it any longer. Well delivery was amazingly on time....overdressed, She had her in a jacket and a turtleneck. Ummmm it is 60 degrees out there. Then we spent 15 minutes playing find the bear so it can go back to grandmas. I was pinned under a 2 yr old trying to talk to someone, and she is insisting I get up and find this bear now....I don't be thinking so. Once that was all over Olivia begins to scream because Grandma told her she could just stay with her......sigh
Then to top my night off....I thought I was steady in cutting tonight. I had to let off some of this or I was going to overload.....I slipped....long story...not horrible wound. It is butterflied.....gah one more thing!
Court (post)
General | Posted 15 years agoWell I am home....no handcuffs involved. I do still know how to keep my mouth shut believe it or not. Not really much to report.
It isn't over....the case is being left open. I have agreed to 1 (one) weekend a month, and day visits twice a month. That is also subject to change at any time I do so desire. I can't believe they are leaving this open. I am trying to lose stress, not add more to it! Yet come the end of this month more will be added to it.
I just feel like I am going to shatter into pieces sometimes. Even I know I have taken a lot over the past months mainly, but the last 4 yrs have in no way been a picnic. I shall find something to hold on to for my sanity's sake. And I will come through the end of this. Maybe a bit scarred inside and out, but I am not quitting.
It isn't over....the case is being left open. I have agreed to 1 (one) weekend a month, and day visits twice a month. That is also subject to change at any time I do so desire. I can't believe they are leaving this open. I am trying to lose stress, not add more to it! Yet come the end of this month more will be added to it.
I just feel like I am going to shatter into pieces sometimes. Even I know I have taken a lot over the past months mainly, but the last 4 yrs have in no way been a picnic. I shall find something to hold on to for my sanity's sake. And I will come through the end of this. Maybe a bit scarred inside and out, but I am not quitting.
Court (pre)
General | Posted 15 years agoWell I have to leave in about 45 minutes, and aside from pulling my hair up, and the horrible shaking I guess I am ready. I just realized it take a horribly cruel person to start a fight with you before you leave. I probably wouldn't be quite this jumpy if he would lay off of me. I am well aware that everything I do is wrong, and I will fuck this up somehow. I really don't need the constant, nagging, yelling reminder really.
Ok so my nerves are shot. I can admit that. If I can get them to hold out for this I will have about 17 days till I start another process into motion that is going to be rough. Why do I have to pile stress? I just don't get that.
*Sigh* I am screwing up somewhere in this and I know it.
Well 35 minutes remaining...better get started pulling my hair up. If I do not return by this evening then I lost it, and got myself a handcuffs experience I just might not be able to enjoy.
Ok so my nerves are shot. I can admit that. If I can get them to hold out for this I will have about 17 days till I start another process into motion that is going to be rough. Why do I have to pile stress? I just don't get that.
*Sigh* I am screwing up somewhere in this and I know it.
Well 35 minutes remaining...better get started pulling my hair up. If I do not return by this evening then I lost it, and got myself a handcuffs experience I just might not be able to enjoy.
Yup Just me
General | Posted 15 years agoShould be in interesting week. I have court on Tuesday. Finally I can hopefully get that stress out of my way. Then comes the hard part......
I have to survive until the 30th. I have to somehow put up with night after night of fighting. *Sigh* wish I was closer to all of this being done, but I fear the worst may be just beginning.
I have to survive until the 30th. I have to somehow put up with night after night of fighting. *Sigh* wish I was closer to all of this being done, but I fear the worst may be just beginning.
Internet went out.....random thoughts
General | Posted 15 years agoSo here I sit at 2:24 AM. The internet is down....again....third time since 6 PM. I sit here doing nothing. I could be writing. I should be writing. I would be writing if my husband would leave me alone. I am so irritable. I am worried about a friend tonight, and that man will not lay off. My day was bad as it was. When the net went down he looked at me and said "I guess we are stuck with each other tonight". All I could think was..."no, oh please no....ummm maybe a network reboot". I fail. It has currently been out almost 3 hours, and I am doing a wonderful job of driving myself insane. The bad thing is I am not the least bit tired and have little concentration for games right now. I so wish I could sleep. This time would go so much faster. Granted I am a patient person, but even I have my limits. Here is to hoping to post this in the morning sometime, and maybe a bit of accomplishment as well. At least my brain is finally trying to move in a more positive direction.
Questions
General | Posted 15 years ago1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Film:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of FA?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Film:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of FA?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
Am I allowed to have ha decent day?
General | Posted 15 years agoI swear this could have been a decent day if not for one "little" issue. The little man was about 3, and decided to dart off the front porch he was playing on and into the street in front of my truck. I can say my brakes are awesome!!! I was doing about 20 in a 25 zone...very crammed residential area, and on a tiny horribly bumpy street. I saw him plying there, and that porch is normally gated so I didn't think a whole lot of it. I looked up to focus on avoiding the pickup just a bit bigger than me (tight fit at best), and pulling in my side mirror so they could get past. I just finished pulling my mirror in when out of the corner of my eye I saw the little one dart, and before I knew what was happening he was in front of me. I got stopped about 4 inches shy of the little guy. I hit my hazards and put it in park, and got out to make sure he was ok, and to get him out of the street. I busted a knuckle I beat on that damn door so hard. He was outside alone.The lady who came outside took his hand took him in, and didn't say a word to me. I am still amazed he wasn't afraid in all of that...I forced a decent grin, took his hand and said "lets go find your mommy". he came right with me. Omg do people not think at all anymore? Obviously I don't or I would have called the cops...sigh. I screwed up...big shock there. I don't think I want to drive for awhile. I should have been paying better attention. This bites...Really needed more to add to my mind....getting a bit crowded up there.
I need release!!!!!!!
General | Posted 15 years agoYes I need release in more ways that one. My last cut was Monday March 22, and I am craving it so bad. I know what made me stop...the fact that someone might know. I hate that knowing being out of my control. I need to release some of this pain though....it is building...building so strongly. It runs so deep I can't even track it. I know I am not good enough in what I do. There are times that kills me. It is a good thing I lack motivation right now or I would probably be planning the end. As I told my husband earlier if I were to come to that everything would have instructions, and detailed ones. My perfectionism would take over. But for right now....meh....I am almost curious to see what is next. With the change I have planned for the end of the month I will either come back to being me again (not always great), or I will totally downspiral.
I hate this need to bleed...too feel pain since I can't feel much else. I despise being this way! I should not have to cut to feel like I am alive. I crave it, I crave the blood...seeing it run like a million worries out of my body. It is cleansing in a way. I know it will never fully stop, and fear holds me at bay for awhile, but I will break over on it. Probably this month. It is all I know....well besides sex, lol but that isn't happening either. I guess until such a time as I can control this again....I bleed.
I hate this need to bleed...too feel pain since I can't feel much else. I despise being this way! I should not have to cut to feel like I am alive. I crave it, I crave the blood...seeing it run like a million worries out of my body. It is cleansing in a way. I know it will never fully stop, and fear holds me at bay for awhile, but I will break over on it. Probably this month. It is all I know....well besides sex, lol but that isn't happening either. I guess until such a time as I can control this again....I bleed.
So is the goal only to come out alive?
General | Posted 15 years agoI know as of most recently that is my goal. Alive, mostly intact mentally (well whatever is left), and with my kids. That is all I ask. I can deal with scars. The physical scars are much easier for me to tolerate than the mental ones. Both I can hide well, but the physical are easier to tolerate for me.
As for coming out alive???? Here is hoping. If Grandma wins in her visitation her next step is going to be to try to prove me unfit for custody (looks across room at healthy happy kids playing). Yeah unfit. Ok I don't see myself as a good mom, but many strike me down on that. Granted right now I am a depressed stressed out mom, but they are fed, clothed, sheltered, and loved. Granted I don't have the money she does to give them everything, but they have what they have what they need. Sigh....I lose my kids I lose myself. I don't think I would make it through that. I have had enough taken from me over the years.
This kitty has the strong desire to go out, kick some ass, and take names. Yup there is the key to pissing me off. Piss with my kids....well anyone I care about really. That makes for a response I cannot control.
As for coming out alive???? Here is hoping. If Grandma wins in her visitation her next step is going to be to try to prove me unfit for custody (looks across room at healthy happy kids playing). Yeah unfit. Ok I don't see myself as a good mom, but many strike me down on that. Granted right now I am a depressed stressed out mom, but they are fed, clothed, sheltered, and loved. Granted I don't have the money she does to give them everything, but they have what they have what they need. Sigh....I lose my kids I lose myself. I don't think I would make it through that. I have had enough taken from me over the years.
This kitty has the strong desire to go out, kick some ass, and take names. Yup there is the key to pissing me off. Piss with my kids....well anyone I care about really. That makes for a response I cannot control.
Bottling = Writers block??????
General | Posted 15 years agoOk now this has never ever been a problem before. I have bottled everything my entire life, and never have I had writers block. Normally I can't shut my mind down to stop writing. Guess that won't be the problem right now. *sigh* I see the dirty looks coming from the other side of the room because I am not interacting. I don't feel like interacting in voice right now.....I am in the same room, is that not enough. For me this is interaction, and in the mood I am in I would prefer to be totally alone. Yup writers block...now this sucks!
Frustrated
General | Posted 15 years agoI have been contemplating going to my first con. No problem getting sitters or anything. Thought this might even be easy. LOL way too easy. Until I brought it up to the husband. Either I don't go or he wants to go..I asked what he would be doing while I was having fun and he responds "ohhh being bored". WTF????? He has "issues" with me going alone, or even with friends. I have never even considered going anywhere before. I don't go out, I am always home. Gah this makes no sense to me. Anyway I am making plans to go. I have seen firsthand how many times life is too short to do what you want, to be told that I will stop living.
I quit
General | Posted 16 years agoI am sick and tired of being pushed around by a kid. He pushes and pushes until I cannot control it any longer. I just lost my temper in the worst way, and he is continuing to push even while I type this. I would rather be dead that put up with this shit. I just want to step back to watch it all crash...Everything I had stacked so delicately. Everything I have done to try and get ahead. It's all fucked...I give...I have had it...I can honestly take no more. Never thought I would ever come to this point with one of my children. I can't cry...he is right there. All I know is to bleed. Well there goes 4 days of progress. Fuck it
Just Maybe
General | Posted 16 years agoThinking about trying my hand at stories. It has been many years since I have written on that level. Might lay out an outline, and see what I can do from there.
Blades
General | Posted 16 years agoBeen fighting it for 3 days now....if this doesn't lay off very soon I am willing to declare that I lose.
