I spent last night drunk on tequila. First time in over 3 yrs I have been drunk. I liked it...now I remember why I used to do it. Might do it again tonight. Is this what I am reduced to? I drink, I smoke, I spend all day in fear of people getting near me, and I game all night. What have I become? Do I want to live this way? I already know the answer to the last one. What happened? I used to have some sort of a handle on life, and now all I can think about is leaving it.

I have to leave in a couple hours for my Grandmothers viewing. I am having issues even in just trying to get ready to go. I have seen so much death in this short life, that it is sad to say I would welcome my own. The funeral will be tomorrow, and I am sure to fall apart at some point. I am quite sure my blades will be my best friends tonight.

I want to get away from everything. Not to the point of bailing on life totally yet, but I can't take anymore. I don't know where to go from here.

My grandmother died yesterday. It seems the court believes I am lying about this. I guess they are expecting to meet with me this week (while dealing with the details for Grandmas funeral), or a motion will be filed and I will be arrested. I am so fed up with all of this right now. I need to make sure my truck is okay so I can begin helping my mom and Grandpa, because my brother is off on a cruise, and has not been contacted about all of this. Someday I might learn not to think that it cannot get worse.

I have noticed after some careful thought that I am entering self protection mode. I have felt so threatened by the last few weeks (long story, a grandmother, and court involved), that I am finally becoming protective of myself.
I don't deal well with strangers (or those I do not trust fully) coming onto my property. I have my own reasons, one involving someone stepping onto my porch, and killing one of my cats while I was hospitalized after childbirth. I panic when someone I do not know, and trust arrives. In some cases I become violent.
Grandma is pushing me over the edge in all of this, and my only thoughts in all of this now is how to make her hurt. I will never be able to be in close distance to this woman again because of the things going on and how far I have been pushed. I would be a risk to her. The farther this goes the more of a risk I am to her.
I still need to think. What approach do I take? Do I become an outright bitch, or let my own emotions take over, and whatever happens just happens? I don't know. I hold enough evidence to keep her away from my child if I desire so. At this point I want to be far far from her. I am afraid of losing my control near her.
And off to think some more.

I went in for my pre-op appointment on Monday September 21, 2009. I had been feeling strange for about 2 hours before this appointment. When I got there we were just going to get my pre-admission paperwork done, and send me for my blood work since I was going to have a C-section that Thursday. I asked them to check on the baby. They decided that wasn't a half bad idea, and went to get the doppler. We spent a long time searching for his heartbeat with me sitting, and the nurse thought that was the problem. I went to lie down and we checked again. Still nothing...so they blamed the doppler. I knew better. At this point I knew something was seriously wrong. The nurse leaves the room for about 15 minutes, and doesn't realize she has left me there to torture myself. I wait and wait. Just thinking no no no no this cannot be happening. Finally she comes back in with the doctor, and they decide to send me into ultrasound. The tech begins and shows me his head, and then moves over the chest cavity. I had seen all I needed to see at this point to know. She began to try to move the monitor away from where I could see. I asked her to leave it. I already knew what I was looking at. She had to go get the doctor to confirm what we were seeing, and she tripped over her chair in the process. I felt so horrible for the lady. They came back in and began the ultrasound again, and the doctor confirmed...there was no heartbeat. I tried to hold it together. I actually did pretty well. I went into scheduling to move up the C-section to the next day. My husband wasn't with me, and I needed to tell him in person as well as arrange babysitting for the other children.

I was up all of that night. I couldn't sleep. It felt so strange knowing I was still carrying my son, but he was no longer alive. I spent that night varying between crying, and just being numb. I wanted to believe this was just a nightmare. I would wake up and everything would be fine.

When we arrived at the hospital I was able to bypass admissions and go straight to labor and delivery. That was a good thing. I was weighed, and taken to my room. All the way at the end of the hall. It was one of the isolation rooms. I got comfortable...well as comfortable as you can get in a hospital bed, and began to be prepped for surgery. IV, catheter, you know...all the fun stuff. As I was lying there waiting my doctor approached my bed with tears in her eyes. She asked a question I had never heard before in my life. She asked "how can I help you out"? I was shocked, as I had never encountered a doctor who really cared before. Of course there was no answer. I couldn't tell her anything, because I didn't know myself. What I wanted she could in no way provide me.

We went into surgery, and all was so quiet. I had requested a spinal even though I was given an option. I wasn't even sure when they had him out until I kept hearing wow...he is a very big baby, a very very big baby. They finally brought him over for me to see, and he sure was a big baby. I wanted to hold him there in the O. R. but he was so big I couldn't find a way to do it. They took him for pictures, and to clean him up a bit while they worked on a couple of my hernias, and getting me stitched and stapled up. This hospital didn't have a recovery room so I was taken back to my room for recovery. (I really prefer this)

When I got back to my room they had Evan there waiting for me. Finally I got to hold him. He really was huge. My husband held him a couple of minutes, and I had him for 9 hours.

Evan Michael Flanagan was born 9-22-09 at 11:48 AM
11lbs 15.8 oz
23 inches long
Born sleeping forever

These are excerpts from my journal in June 2006 when my first husband was hospitalized.




June 16, 2006 Friday
I was supposed to go to moms to clean today. Once again your kidney stone was acting up so ou went to the hospital. I still don't get why they transferred you to Columbus. They have never denied treating you before. I asked them to hold you for 5 minutes so I could grab Andrew and come see you for a minute before you left. They sent you anyway. You were talking to me and they took the phone. The last thing I heard you tell me was "I love you", and I didn't even get to return it. Those bastards took the phone. Maybe it is just the pregnancy hormones. You should be back home in a few hours.

June 17, 2006 Saturday
2:46 AM
Your mom just called. Surgery??? Why didn't anyone call me?? I know I am supposed to be resting because of the contractions, but a call would have been nice. I have been pacing this house all day freaking out because no one has called me. I didn't even know for sure where they had sent you. when you called from the ambulance it was so choppy on the answering machine I couldn't understand. Why did I take the dogs out at that second? I knew someting wasn't right. I wish you hadn't gone to the God foresaken band-aid station.

10:32 PM
Mom and Dad watched Andrew for me while I went to the hospital to see you. No one told me you were drugged down to be unresponsive. Would have been nice to have known. I doubt you knew I was there, but I spent the day with you. I don't like that vent. I don't like what they are doing to you. Something isn't right. They said that they are going to try to bring you off of the vent tomorrow. I can't wait to see you open your eyes.

June 18, 2006 Sunday
Dropped Andrew off at my parents so I could spend the day with you again. Dad is getting pissed about it, but oh well. He keeps telling me you will be home soon enough so I should stop spending so much time up there. They tried dropping your vent support some today. That didn't work out well. I can't count the amount of time I spent begging you to open your eyes just once for me. I know you tried one time. I miss you Donnie. I have never spent time home alone before and it is really kind of scary. Please come out of this soon.

June 19, 2006 Monday
I stayed home today because your mom was going up to see you, and Dad refused to watch Andrew today. Damn it is lonely here. I'm getting everything cleaned up perfectly like you love for when you come home. I have these notes for you to read. I think they will show you how I really feel.

June 20, 2006 Tuesday
Your mom stopped on the way home yesterday to pick up Andrew so I could come see you without Dad bitching. They asked me to sign a surgery consent today. Haven't they tried this surgery before? I refused because it failed last time. Their instruments are not long enough to work on you. I have had that confirmed by another doctor. I don't like the place they have you Donnie. I want you in a better hospital. I had to pick up your medical records today at Nelsonville. No problem at the doctors office, but I will hurt someone at that band aid station. They told me even though we are married, and you are unconsious, I have to have your consent to get the records. Now how am I supposed to do that? They said the only other way is if you were deceased. I swear if something happens to you they will pay!!!!
You're not being treated right and it is killing me Donnie! I asked one of the nurses for some lotion to rub your legs down today and they couldn't understand why. I don't think I have ever seen them move you. Shouldn't they have clot cuffs on your legs?? Please wake up Donnie please. You have always told me since watching your grandpa die on dylasis that you didn't want it. Well they are asking me to give permission to do it to you. I can't approve something that you wouldn't want. What do you want? Please come out of this so I don't have to decide this for you.

June 21, 2006 Wednesday
I called your mom and asked her to keep Andrew another day. I want you out of that pathetic excuse for a hospital! I have spent the entire day fighting those damn doctors. I want you transferred to OSU Med Center. The Doctor won't sign off on you (the butcher that wanted to do the surgery)...Did I mention they tried it without my permission??? And it freekin failed!!!!!!!!!!!!! Medicaid won;t let me have you moved unless that doctor signs off on you, and OSU doesn't want you without the garunteed money. I can't get enough out of the house. I'm trying baby. I am so sorry I can't do better for you.

June 22, 2006 Thursday
Your mom brought Andrew home this morning. We are staying home, and she is going up. The hospital called last night. You are going to be transferred!!!!! I can't believe your mom never saw a problem with that place. You have been lying there damn near a week, and they haven't done anything. I took Andrew to the pool today. He enjoyed that....really got his mind off of you being so sick. Jeez....alll of this from a kidney stone.

June 23, 2006 Friday
Ahhhhh finally you are at OSU. The difference at this place is awesome. Price of parking bites though. Oh well....you are finally where they will take care of you. Your nurse (yes you have a private nurse here) is so nice. He even washed your hair! I am impressed. Over the next couple days they just want to look you over, and get you off that damed vent. Everyone says you will be ok. I sent Andrew to Indiana with his Grandma Debby so I can focus on you until you get home. He was so happy to get to go!!!!!

June 24, 2006 Saturday
You're gonna kill me. I was at Kroger cashing a check so I could get gas to come and see you, and someone hit the truck while I was in the store. That would just kill you if I told you. Guess I will wait till you are better. Gives me some time to figure out how to tell you. Seeing you today was great. The nurse and I turned your tv on, and we kept it on Animal Planet all day. You look so much better. I can't wait for you to come home. We have a baby coming we still have to get everything ready for! Your nurse says they will begin weaning you off the vent tomorrow. I won't be up until after church. I am so glad this is getting better!!!!

June 25, 2006 Sunday
It has taken me all day to clear my head enough to write this. I just can't believe it. Please tell me this is nothing but a bad dream and I will be waking up soon.
I went to church this morning. Was an extra long service for some reason. I debated going home to change before coming up to see you, but decided to go in what I was wearing, but I was hungry. I stopped at Kroger and bought a pint of blueberries. While I was there I turned my cell phone on, and saw there was a message. I decided to check it after getting back to the truck. It was your main doctor saying I needed to call back urgently. It had been left about 20 minutes beforehand. (stupid areas with no cell range) I hopped into the truck and sat there to call. I told them who I needed to speak to, and they told me to hold on. Wow...I was actually getting to talk to the doctor. He picked up and began to speak to me with Mrs Koon. After I said yes he was in overdrive...there was no pause. "we attempted cpr for 27 minutes" "no response" "I'm so sorry". No that wasn't close to all he said, but it was all I could remember. I pressed the off button and looked up, and Cinda and Dave were walking out of Kroger. I was only parked 2 cars away. I cracked the door and motioned to her to come over for a second. I didn't have to say a word. She saw me and she knew. Somehow I managed to drive the 5 miles home. Cinda was calling pastor and notifying the church. I had to call my family, and your family. I stopped at the carry out because my throat was suddenly so dry, to buy a bottle of water. I know I spent 10 minutes counting the change in the truck to get it. I guess I had cried all the way there without realizing it. I wanted to be sure I had exact change. When I went in I grabbed the bottle and handed the money over. At that point it must have been obvious something was wrong. When asked all I could say was "he's gone". Somehow I walked out and drove up the street to home. I parked and came inside to make the calls. First I called mom, and kept it short. I didn't need to lose it yet. I had to tell your mom, and call FL to get hold of your dad too. No answer at your moms so I called your dad who freaked out, and said the hospital just told him you were fine (he hadn't known that we had transferred hospitals). Hung up with your dad, and tried your mom again. Still no answer.....that was enough to freak me out. I called my mom back, and she sent dad out to find your mom. Andy called soon after and asked if it was true. I could hear your mom in the background. BJ came and took me to the hospital to sign for your autopsy, and a release for your body to go to the funeral home. When we returned to moms Debby had brought Andrew home, and I had to tell him. He's only 8 and without a dad. Mom wanted me to spend the night there. I let Andrew go to BJ's for a few days so I can get your arrangements made. I just wanted to come home and start sorting this in my mind. Please tell me this is only a nightmare. I don't want to be a single mom to two. I don't want to have another baby if you're not here. Please wake me up!

Here it is! The "Would you?" Meme Post this for your friends to see and answer mine if you wish


1. Would you be in control?
2. Would you pull my hair?
3. Would you whisper in my ear?
4. Would you talk dirty to me?
5. Would you kiss me with a little tongue or a lot of tongue?
6. Would you say my name?
7. Would you go down on me?
8. Would you let me give you a hickie?
9. How many rounds would we go?
10. What would you wanna do afterwards?
11. Would you take off all your clothes then take mine off slowly?
12. Would you lick and bite me all over?
13. Would you like to play or get straight to the point?
14. Would you want me to take my time?
15. How freaky are you, 1 - 10?
16. Would you want fast or slow?
17. Where would you wanna "do it"?
18. Would you be loud or quiet?
19. Would you want me to be loud or quiet?
20. Would you mind if i liked you?
21. Do you like me?
22. Would you call me the next day?
23. Would you scratch me?
24. Would you let me scratch you?
25. Would you have to be drunk?
26. Would you date me?
27. Would you do it today?
28. Would you do it tomorrow?
29. Do you think that we would go any further then just sex?
30. Are you going to re-post these so I can answer them for you?
31. Would you make love to me or fuck me?