I had asked for the vet to e-mail me with a dumbed down diagnosis of what the x-rays they took had showed them, because I couldn't make heads or tails of what they originally told me. Here's what was sent. There was more than this, but this is what specifically relates to the testicular cancer stuff:

- Chest is normal no evidence of cancer or heart enlargement

- Prostate is enlarged possible causes could be benign (not cancer) enlargement due to being not neutered, infection or cancer

- Abdomen has no signs of mass effect however they cannot rule this out without an abdominal ultrasound

My next step is to contact the Oncology specialist, which I will be doing tomorrow, to have the abdominal ultrasound scheduled if I can. I'm not happy about it, because it's a cost that will come entirely out of pocket, but that is apparently the next step before the neuter.

Hunter's life is important to me. I wouldn't go through all this if it weren't. But after the way I was jerked around today, I both cried and yelled at the vet's office today.

I am not a happy man right now. I just got through talking with the vet, and the neuter isn't being done today. Instead, they want to get a couple X-Rays done first. This is to find out if the tumor that is in his testicle has metastasized to anywhere else. It needs to be done because I want to be sure they get it, but it still means an extra expense I was not prepared for. It also means I have another trip I have to make back up here for when the neuter actually has to happen.

I was already expecting Hunter's wellness plan to go up in cost as a result of things but its going to go up even more as a result of now having to include the cost of the xrays.

Suffice it to say, I am not a happy man right now. And now I have to stress out even further, waiting to find out if the tumor has caused problems in other places.

I've known about this for a couple weeks now, and it's had me upset since the day I found out.

Hunter had a vet appointment a couple weeks ago. For the most part, everything seemed fine. That is, until I learned a piece of information that really upset me. I discovered that one of Hunter's testicles is much bigger than it should be. (or much smaller, I can't remember which). The vet informed me that the cause of this was either he had a cyst or else testicular cancer. The vet did tell me that she wasn't 100% positive he had cancer, but based on what she knows, it seemed very likely. Hearing this absolutely broke my heart. I was told my options as to what could be done to find out for sure. The best option being to have him neutered, because they'd need to test for the cancer, but neutering him is the only way they can. I needed to check my finances, so I said I'd get back to her via phone the next day to make sure I could cover everything.

Well, I did. After mulling things over, and deciding that I really didn't want to risk losing him on the possibility he COULD have it, I called the vet back and agreed to set up the appointment to have him neutered.

Now, I have to openly say here, that this was the hardest decision I've ever had to make with Hunter. When I first bought him over 12 years ago, I promised myself I'd never get him neutered. I told myself I'd avoid that because I didn't see the reason since he'd only ever be around me and my roommates anyway. I have adamantly stood by that promise to myself and to him all this time. When I finally decided that I was going to go through with it that day, I was beating myself up over it, saying how I feel so bad that, through no fault of his own, I have to break my promise not to do it, because he now might die if I don't. I hate myself for this, but I know it will potentially save his life.

The appointment is on the fifth of the month, and I'm doing what I can to show Hunter as much love as I can before it happens. No, he's not dying, but I still feel bad this has to happen.

I decided to spend a few hours today putting together my own Discord server. Now that I have it ready to go, if anyone wants to join it, you can do so here.

Please if you add me on Discord, please leave me a message here with your user name so I know who you are.

39 years old today!

Since it seems a lot more of my friends use Discord more than Telegram lately, I've decided I'm going to be moving over to making that my primary messenger instead of Telegram. After the end of the month, I will likely not be logging on to Telegram as much as I used to. The same applies with Skype. Hardly anyone talks to me there, so I really don't see the point in logging onto the messenger anymore, given that, again, most of my friends use Discord.

With that being said, if there's anyone that wants to keep in touch with me, feel free to add me over on Discord. My username is bobbythornbody . Send me a note here with your username so I know who you are, if you add me.

I've done some thinking and I've decided I'm going to move the On Our Own chapters that are on my :this account over to my  bobbythornbody account. This is so I don't have to go back and forth between accounts to link things together. So if you see me uploading uploading the chapters from earlier on in the story on the other account, that's why.

3.14

It took until today for me to realize that I had my image of Kenny posted on my main account instead of this one, so I've fixed that now.

You can find it here.

I hope everyone has a nice Christmas this year!

I've currently got five right now. Does anyone want one? Please keep in mind, this journal is being posted on both of my accounts, so I will be giving the codes first come first served.

Here's this year's creepypasta. Hope you guys enjoy!

For anyone that wants to, you can follow me here. I don't have anything there yet, but I plan to change that soon.

 muzykamagician is in real bad need of some extra cash right now. Here is the journal explaining his situation. If anyone can help out, or at least spread the word around to someone who can, it would be appreciated.

I had an appointment with my sleep doctor today. After talking with her and discussing both my recent weight loss, and the fact that it didn't really feel like I was benefiting from the CPAP machine anyway (long story short, most of my sleep habits seemed to remain the same throughout the entire last year of my usage with it), she told me she felt safe telling me it was okay for me to stop using it. I mean. if it wasn't helping me or changing anything, why keep using it, right?

I did discover, however, that I went from the 'moderate to severe' sleep apnea level, down to 'mild to moderate', which I was told was in part due to my weight loss, which I told her I intended to continue doing anyway, regardless of stopping the CPAP usage. One of the issues that had my level so high before was that I was apparently not getting enough oxygen before, but my oxygen levels are a lot better now.

So yeah, I don't have to use the CPAP machine anymore! I had a nap when I got home from the appointment, and it felt so weird not having to use it, after doing so for about a year.

Meega nala kweesta!

On the way home from running errands today, we picked up the mail, and there was a letter from social security in it. I opened it immediately and, much to my great relief, things have ruled in my favor. My SSI is not being taken away from me. I will openly admit I cried reading that. It didn't take several weeks to come to a decision after all, and my benefits aren't being cut off.

I called SSI today because there was a question I needed to ask them regarding why I was getting benefits still during my appeal, despite the fact I didn't go through the process I was told I needed to through in order to have that happen. my benefits were supposed to end in February, but I've continued getting them throughout the course of my appeal, and I didn't know why. Well, after enduring over an hour of being on hold over the course of two phone calls (my phone randomly disconnected half an hour into me being on hold during the first one), I asked why I was still getting them. I was told it was because I VERBALLY indicated I wanted them to continue through the appeal. Why this seemed weird to me was because, when I originally called and asked about continuing benefits back in February, I was told in order for me to be allowed to have them continue, I either had to (1) submit a letter in writing within ten days to my local SSI office or (2) go to the local SSI office directly to request it. Neither of which I did, because both were a major hassle, and the thought of having to possibly pay back the benefits if I lost anyway mad me decide at the time it probably wasn't worth it. I spent the rest of February believing I would get no more SSI unless I won the appeal, however long that would take. Apparently, (and it's been so long I can't even swear to it at this point) I did make mention that I'd like to have them continued though, and THAT is why I have been Apparently, I DID verbally say I wanted them to, and I just forgot.

This led me into my next set of questions. If it was determined that I still no longer qualify for my SSI despite having just had this hearing, do I have to pay back the benefits earned over the course of the appeal, and if so, would I have to pay some of it or all of it. I was told yes, but how much depends on the case, so he couldn't tell me for sure.

My final question to him, and this is the thing that worried me most: If I lost and did have to pay everything back, would they take the entire amount given during the appeal back all at once, or could I give it back in payments. To my great relief, I was told they allow payment plans, and they don't take everything from me all at once.

I'm still on edge over all this, but at least I know I won't have three months of SSI yanked from my account all at once if I lose, which would put my bank account heavily in the red with no way to dig myself out of the hole. I just hope I win this appeal and the worry can be put to rest entirely.

The hearing is done. It will be 2-4 weeks before I have the decision. I am emotionally drained.

Some time ago, I mentioned the passing of my cousin. Well, for the last several days, her husband has been staying with us, and, today, he shared a small book that put together that the two of them did together. She wrote the poem, and he took the pictures. The poem is quite nice, in my opinion, as are the pictures in it. It's not a big book, since it's just the one poem, but I wanted to share a link to the Amazon page where it can be purchased, for anyone who might be interested in reading it.

If there is anyone interested in purchasing it, you can find it here.

I finally have a disability hearing date. My hearing is on May 8th. I've been told I don't need to bring anything because they already have access to all my medical records, so here's hoping that things go positively for me.

Also, because of the fact I had met the minimum weight loss requirement by my sleep test provider, (10% of what my weight was when I was first put on it, which I accomplished last month), I have been asked to do another at-home sleep study. The equipment for that is being mailed to me on May 12th. I have no idea why it's going to take them that long to send me the equipment, but I guess I just have to deal with the machine until then. Hopefully, if my weight loss shows there's an improvement in my sleep apnea, I'll be able to get off the machine.

38 years old today. Yay!

And to celebrate, there's a new chapter of On Our own for you guys to enjoy here!

This one is posted over in  dipperdraper's account, because he's the lead signer for it. Go check it out here.

For the last month, I have been having troubles uploading videos on my Youtube page. Whenever I try, it will either gust get stuck at 0% uploading, get a few percent in and then stop, or else error out on me and not even let me try to upload at all. I've only successfully managed yo upload two videos in the last month. Every other video has failed to work, Is anyone else having this issue? Does anyone know how to fix this?

I've tried on multiple browsers AND on my cell phone. Any assistance would be appreciated. Trying to contact YouTube support is useless as all I ever get is a bot, so I wanted to know if anyone else here can help.