I joined this website almost 15 years ago. At that time, I created this account to get a commission from my favorite artist at the time, and still one of my favorite today. What happened is that I met several people who would change my life forever. Even then, I was struggling to understand myself. I was not even really a decent person, but somehow I survived long enough to grow up. I mean, look what's changed since then:

2009 -> 2024
Straight -> Pansexual
Cisgender Boy -> Transgender Woman
Christian -> Atheist
Monogamous -> Polyamorous
Virgin -> Whore
Shy -> Confident
Teetotaler -> Casual Drinker
Judgmental of others -> Accepting, even of what I don't understand
Ashamed of myself -> Open about who I am

I could probably nitpick so much more, but these capture the primary essence of my evolution. That "good Christian boy" my grandparents were so desperate to force my mother to raise is long past dead. I was a piece of shit back then, raised by uptight conservatives who cared more about appearances than reality. It's taken many, many years to deprogram my brain, but I have made so much progress since then. I am genuinely sorry to anybody I've hurt over the years. I am not that person anymore, and I work every day to be better than that.

Nobody is probably still around to read these, so maybe it's just for me.

With Reddit going up in flames, it kind of leaves this gap for me. Furry_irl was one of the better hangout spots to chat with people. FA and Deviant Art don’t really lend themselves to making friends, so are there any good places to hangout and chat? I’m sure there are some Discord servers, but the ones I’ve found tend to be tight-knit.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Just looking for a place to chat with folks.

Just closed on a house yesterday, after a very arduous process to get there. I’m exhausted, both mentally and physically, but it’s mine.

It’s got a little cleaning up to be done, but otherwise it’s in a nice area and in good shape. I’ve got some deep cleaning to do first, and then comes moving in. At least I’ve got until the end of June to be out of my apartment.

Just wanted to share a little positivity in my life. It’s not always doom and gloom!

Many of you have known me for some time. Those who have are probably aware of my history of feminine behavior and obsession with feminine things. Well after all these years, I’ve finally been able to put 2 and 2 together.

I am a woman.

In hindsight, it should have been obvious. Had there been any trans representation in my life, or had my upbringing been less staunchly conservative (read: stifling), perhaps I’d have figured it out sooner. But I am grateful that at last I understand the very root of the dissatisfaction with myself.

No amount of weight loss, or muscle gained, no hair style or beard type, no clothing or success has ever made me like myself. I felt like a walking imposter trapped inside a coffin. Like a ghost haunting the wrong cemetery. Nothing about me felt right. But this does. This is finally right.

I don’t mind if those who know me refer to me as “Scier” since that’s kind of a gender neutral name. One I carried for a long time to escape my own. But my new fursona is “Hel” like my username on so many things. The image of strength and power does a lot to inspire my transition goals.

I’d be happy to answer a few questions for those interested. I appreciate anybody who wants to reach out. And for the select few that may have any issue, feel free to join my family in the absence of contact. I’m still the same person inside, I just want my outside to reflect that.

~Hel

Any suggestions for artists? I don’t mind paying for quality. Something basic like a front & back + headshot piece.

You ever look back on your life and realize the answer to a question you’ve been asking was there all along? And now that you know the answer, it should have been obvious all this time?

Don’t be satisfied with being miserable. Don’t become content with being depressed. Sadness is not the default state of being. Find an answer to the question of why.

I only wish I had found it sooner. I’m 31 now. Damn.

Since I’ve been involved on this site.

Waiting for you...

It's been a long time since I've posted anything, but I do want to let me watchers I am still here. I miss a lot of you, so if you have Skype, let's try and re-connect sometime.

I've been working on turning all of my Carnal Tales writings into a full-length novel, so that's where my time has been devoted. That is, the time I have besides work. I might post some of the re-written works on here before too long.

Here, listen to THIS.

The band Rings of Saturn has put me in a mood to enjoy some alien movies where people get slaughtered. I recently watched Pandorum, but that only whet my appetite for a greater consumption of interstellar gore. Any recommendations?

I've got mine pre-ordered! ;D And fully paid off! owo Traded in every scrap of my 360 and its library, and came out way ahead of things! God is good. :3 (And GameStop was also pretty friendly ;P)

Anybody else getting in on this action? I've already got Killzone 4 pre-ordered and all I need now is patience. ~w~

Because I am. :3 I've always loved MH, and this game introduces so many new things to kill. x3

Geesh, ain't nobody talked to Sciah in fur3v4r. <w> DAYM whur yew be @ peopel? Nobody gonna say hiiiii? :C

But, seriously, I haven't talked to any of my watchers in a long time, besides my Skype contact ones. X3 Anybody there?

And you know what that means! (At least, if you've watched me for a while, you do. X3) Horror poetry... my favourite!

I will hopefully be posting one a day through Halloween, as is my custom. Last year I fell a little short, but I'll give it my best shot! ^^ Please give me some feedback, as it's definitely a motivator!

I have 196 watchers. I honestly wouldn't have realized that if I hadn't just looked. :P All you people are SO QUIET! Speak up, for goodness sake! ewe

It's okay to talk to me once in a while. :P I don't bite. Unless you want me to. <w< But that will cost extra... I kid, of course. X3

I notice my journals barely get responses, and even my poetry lately goes rather ignored. ewe So, if there's a poem you'd rather see my writing, or something you want to chit-chat about, just let me know! I am bored out of my mind half the time anyways! @w@

Seriously, don't be such lurkers. >w>

No one ever said that life was fair, and I'm not saying that it should be. So knowing that you're where you want to be and I'm not comes as no surprise.

But don't expect me to be happy for you. Don't smile and tell me things will work out for me too.

I don't need your pity.

I HATE YOUR PITY.

See what I did there? O ho ho. ._.

I'd say I'm pretty close to black about now. Every time I let somebody close, they take that opportunity to drive the knife in deeper than somebody else could have. I don't know why I bother trusting people anymore. They just turn on you in the end...

I just feel sort of down lately, if any of you care to know. It's upsetting not to be able to help the people who need it. Not to be able to bring smiles to the faces of those who deserve it. It won't stop me from trying, but it's starting to weigh on me...

I just wish I knew exactly what it took to make things better.

A painless death, or a life of pain?

It gets tough being their to support everybody. You're expected to be strong, to lift them up, and to show them everything will be fine. It's a blessing to be able to help others.

But it gets tough sometimes. Sometimes you need support, but where do you turn? Where do you find comfort when your supposed to be the rock for everybody else?

Things have just been rough the last few days... I've got a lot on my mind. I haven't slept much. And I work every day, so I don't really get a break.

I'm the strong friend. I'm the guy with all the answers. I'm the dom. The tough guy. The always confident and never shy. But sometimes, even I need a shoulder to cry on...

I came across a notebook full of my old poetry, and I could post some on here... But they all suck. :P So, if you really want to read them, let me know.

Heck, I may even re-write a few, now that I'm a far superior poet.

But it doesn't matter if I don't hear from you. X3 I have some very quiet or apathetic watchers... so change that!

I've been writing again, a little bit, but I'm out of motivation for topics. Before I relapse into non-writing mode again, I supposed I'd better do something. :P

So, I'm taking a few requests for poetry. I'll take... 3, I suppose. First come, first serve. Put a description of what you want here, and I'll see what I can do. Don't expect these promptly, though. I have no idea how inspired I'll be. :P

1:  Nemo.Itzal - Resurrection (Complete)

2:  Guilmonxd - Crossing Over (Complete)

3:  Saphyra - Sex (Not Started)

If only I knew the answer to that question, life would be so much easier. :P Just tell me what I am supposed to be doing, and I'll go do it. Seriously.

...where you have to wonder what the odds of something happening are? They can't be great, but somehow, they happen. And it's never in your favor. :P The rare things that happen to you are always the foul and deflating types.

But, then again, what are the odds they will keep happening? ewe

Any suggestions? I want to get a couple new pics done, since its been so long, but I need some artists who are open for commissions.