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Happy mothers day....not really...(ramble)
Posted 5 years agoSo its mothers day. And I wish that it wasnt. I cant wish the person who gave birth to me a happy mothers day because she is no longer among the living...
Yesterday on May 9th 2020 my mother was found dead... she was in the garage completely ice cold and colorless. we suspect heart attack or something along those lines. she had just turned 46 on May 5th....
it still feels so surreal. that this isnt real. that shes just hiding and playing a joke on us or that at the very least someone could bring her back... but we all know that isnt whats happening...
she is survived by my father, me, my little sister and my youngest brother. as well as both of her parents... theres lots more in our family but those are the immediates.
She was all of ours best friend. she wasnt a "mommy" any more as she put it. she was our mom but she was also our friend. we would every day talk for hours and hours about anything and everything. we didnt always see eye to eye but she always wanted us to have our own opinions.
i wouldnt ever call her a saint. none of us are. but shes an angel. she (to me) helped make the world go around. im gonna miss her texting me good morning. or even to make sure that i wasnt about to be late to work. (she texted me every morning at 723 am to make sure im bout to leave the house)
i didnt think that the last time i would see her is 1248am. there's so many things left unsaid. and so many hugs i never gave.
i miss her so much...
So to all the mothers of the world. i wish you the happiest mothers day. grandmothers and stepmothers and all the like too of course!
but to me... mothers day for right now wont be happy. it wont even be bittersweet. itll just be sad...
(also please forgive any spelling and grammatical mistakes
Yesterday on May 9th 2020 my mother was found dead... she was in the garage completely ice cold and colorless. we suspect heart attack or something along those lines. she had just turned 46 on May 5th....
it still feels so surreal. that this isnt real. that shes just hiding and playing a joke on us or that at the very least someone could bring her back... but we all know that isnt whats happening...
she is survived by my father, me, my little sister and my youngest brother. as well as both of her parents... theres lots more in our family but those are the immediates.
She was all of ours best friend. she wasnt a "mommy" any more as she put it. she was our mom but she was also our friend. we would every day talk for hours and hours about anything and everything. we didnt always see eye to eye but she always wanted us to have our own opinions.
i wouldnt ever call her a saint. none of us are. but shes an angel. she (to me) helped make the world go around. im gonna miss her texting me good morning. or even to make sure that i wasnt about to be late to work. (she texted me every morning at 723 am to make sure im bout to leave the house)
i didnt think that the last time i would see her is 1248am. there's so many things left unsaid. and so many hugs i never gave.
i miss her so much...
So to all the mothers of the world. i wish you the happiest mothers day. grandmothers and stepmothers and all the like too of course!
but to me... mothers day for right now wont be happy. it wont even be bittersweet. itll just be sad...
(also please forgive any spelling and grammatical mistakes
Big changes are coming!
Posted 6 years agoHi there! its been a while since I did a journal much less really anything of significance on this sight! Honestly I've been doing a lot of changing, I feel and I think that's going to start reflecting a lot more in a relative shortish time! (hopefully these changes will be implemented by the end of august at the latest!)
Now I don't want to go into full detail yet as I really want all the changes to be a bit of a surprise! (feel free to guess though if you wish). but one of the things that I can say and will say is, I finally got my spark back! I feel the desire to actually become more involved with this fandom i adore so much!
So before I start rambling and ruining surprises I will cut myself off! Those who know more of whats going on behind the scenes.. don't spoil! :P
Sorry for the random post but I wanted to say I'm not dead yet and that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon!!
Now I don't want to go into full detail yet as I really want all the changes to be a bit of a surprise! (feel free to guess though if you wish). but one of the things that I can say and will say is, I finally got my spark back! I feel the desire to actually become more involved with this fandom i adore so much!
So before I start rambling and ruining surprises I will cut myself off! Those who know more of whats going on behind the scenes.. don't spoil! :P
Sorry for the random post but I wanted to say I'm not dead yet and that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon!!
another year a newer me (longer post)
Posted 6 years agoWelp its that time of the year. I aged again! I am now 24! wooooooot
I suppose a slight update is in order
lets start with health shall we?
As of right now i am still very much overweight and i haven't really lost any weight what so ever however i am making strides on improving my own mental health and in taking control over my impulses and cravings. surprisingly whats helping me is vaping! Its oddly soothing and calming for me and the sweet juices make me not crave as much! However i have made a deal with myself and my family that i need to lose 50LB by the end of the year. its going to be hard for sure but i am positive i can do it!
in terms of education i am working to go back to college!
i had been stuck paying an odd debt to the college im going back to so its inhibited my ability to go back and start off again. however im almost done paying off the debt and ill be going back in the fall! this time im going for some form of a business degree. the main reason for that is that my mind, while can be creative, is also able to handle things like finance, HR and such so im going somewhere within those fields for a associates degree.
in terms of work i am still at the same place i have been for 2 years now. i love this little job but in all honesty i am starting to work on looking for something new as im starting more and more to feel the desire to move out and start being on my own and in my current state i cant afford that at all even at a cheap apartment. granted i could with a roomie but my goal is to be able to afford a place myself and if i get a roommate then its just a bonus for me. no theres no major rush as im not being kicked out or forced or anything i just think im to that point in my life for changes.
art wise has been very very sparse. i dont think within the year i have drawn at all but 2018 has been very insane for me. as i start getting my tattoos i plan on posting them though so that is something to look forward to.
social life. this one sucks for me cause i work my ass off so much that i barely have time for it but im going to start being a bit better about my own social life. actually tryting to be social with people, maybe try making friends, and who knows maybe ill find someone on the way. but either way im tired of being too tired to be around people and being scared of interactions.
now for some bad. while its a month after the fact its very worth noting that at the end of last year, a few days before christmas, my family and i had decided it was time to put my loving dog Chopper down. he was 12 or 13( we never really knew exactly) and had deteriated very quickly. in about a week to 2 weeks. he wasnt himself. he was in pain. and his last night he didnt even sleep. or lay down or even sit. he just stood and panted. that next morning we all were shattered completely but we knew we had to do something cause he was suffering. he was one of my best friends. i still miss him dearly and dont think things are quite the same without him but i know hes in a better place. luckilly our other dog scooter has been able to adapt and while he seems very different he is doing ok and hes being pampered quite a bit!
i suppose for now i should just do the long and short of things eh?
-while my health sucks im going to be working harder then ever and have a major goal in mind
-i am going back to school for business come hell or high water despite a bullshit debt that came from no where.
- im starting a new job search in order to better pay bills and possibly even be able to afford my own place as i feel more ready to
-art work has been sparse and really negligible.
-social life has sucked and im tired of that so im going to fix that as best i can!
-and finally that we had to put Chopper down
thank you everyone for reading. i hope this year to be better then ever :)
I suppose a slight update is in order
lets start with health shall we?
As of right now i am still very much overweight and i haven't really lost any weight what so ever however i am making strides on improving my own mental health and in taking control over my impulses and cravings. surprisingly whats helping me is vaping! Its oddly soothing and calming for me and the sweet juices make me not crave as much! However i have made a deal with myself and my family that i need to lose 50LB by the end of the year. its going to be hard for sure but i am positive i can do it!
in terms of education i am working to go back to college!
i had been stuck paying an odd debt to the college im going back to so its inhibited my ability to go back and start off again. however im almost done paying off the debt and ill be going back in the fall! this time im going for some form of a business degree. the main reason for that is that my mind, while can be creative, is also able to handle things like finance, HR and such so im going somewhere within those fields for a associates degree.
in terms of work i am still at the same place i have been for 2 years now. i love this little job but in all honesty i am starting to work on looking for something new as im starting more and more to feel the desire to move out and start being on my own and in my current state i cant afford that at all even at a cheap apartment. granted i could with a roomie but my goal is to be able to afford a place myself and if i get a roommate then its just a bonus for me. no theres no major rush as im not being kicked out or forced or anything i just think im to that point in my life for changes.
art wise has been very very sparse. i dont think within the year i have drawn at all but 2018 has been very insane for me. as i start getting my tattoos i plan on posting them though so that is something to look forward to.
social life. this one sucks for me cause i work my ass off so much that i barely have time for it but im going to start being a bit better about my own social life. actually tryting to be social with people, maybe try making friends, and who knows maybe ill find someone on the way. but either way im tired of being too tired to be around people and being scared of interactions.
now for some bad. while its a month after the fact its very worth noting that at the end of last year, a few days before christmas, my family and i had decided it was time to put my loving dog Chopper down. he was 12 or 13( we never really knew exactly) and had deteriated very quickly. in about a week to 2 weeks. he wasnt himself. he was in pain. and his last night he didnt even sleep. or lay down or even sit. he just stood and panted. that next morning we all were shattered completely but we knew we had to do something cause he was suffering. he was one of my best friends. i still miss him dearly and dont think things are quite the same without him but i know hes in a better place. luckilly our other dog scooter has been able to adapt and while he seems very different he is doing ok and hes being pampered quite a bit!
i suppose for now i should just do the long and short of things eh?
-while my health sucks im going to be working harder then ever and have a major goal in mind
-i am going back to school for business come hell or high water despite a bullshit debt that came from no where.
- im starting a new job search in order to better pay bills and possibly even be able to afford my own place as i feel more ready to
-art work has been sparse and really negligible.
-social life has sucked and im tired of that so im going to fix that as best i can!
-and finally that we had to put Chopper down
thank you everyone for reading. i hope this year to be better then ever :)
a year older! (.. as of jan 30..)
Posted 7 years agoso the other day was my bday :3 turned 23. didnt bother to make a journal cause just was busy but figured i should! didnt do much. didnt get much. kinda had just spent the day doing nothing XD was kinda nice! wish i wouldve drawn more buuuut ill get around to it! still job searching and am trying to save hard to replace my computer with one thats a bit more powerful. mine is showing its age too much XD #firstworldproblems! im glad its run as long as it has and it just needs to live a bit more! then itll likely die but imma still hug it cause it my first computer :3
i dont know what the point of this journal was o3o too delirious and tired. night night!
i dont know what the point of this journal was o3o too delirious and tired. night night!
2 years of an update, Hello everyone!
Posted 7 years agoAlright! so I had just gotten home from work and finally have some time to write this out! Please bare with me and I'll try to keep things as grammatically correct and as short as I can! so lets get started!
where to begin... well lets start with a bit of why i had went to be a full lurker and not a contributor.
Put simply, I lost my way. I don't know how best to put it other then that. for the 2 years i drew maybe... 3? maybe 4 times? and that's complete stuff. as for incomplete stuff, we are looking at maybe 20? max. now why i didn't put them here is because i saw no reason too. it was because i was comparing myself to some of the fantastic artists i watch and it discouraged me (it still does in a way). I started drawing cause I loved it, and then I got it in my head that I had to be perfect immediately and because of that it aggravated me. Its no excuse and I admittedly am a bit ashamed of my envy. That said I think I have finally got it through my skull to not be that way anymore and to go back to creating to make me feel good again. And so far it feels fantastic!
work
Now back at my last journal I believe I was still at BK. Well that is long since done and I've had around 4 jobs after it. 2 are where I currently work. Now that has also been a cause of my lack of content or anything. I'm mentally and physically and even emotionally drained out most every day. I've been working in the food industry since I could work so 6 years almost 7. I did go to school to earn a degree but that will be what I talk about next. I want to assure you that I am going to be leaving my jobs sooner rather then later as I am looking for a single full time job in order to actually have down time and go back to being me. Because as it currently sits I'm just a workaholic and nothing more... which sucks...
school..
ugh what can i say... well I think it was around 2014 maybe 2015 that I worked up the courage to go to college. I started with a computer tech degree. and i promptly failed most all my classes by acting how i did in highshool. either showing up late, not showing up at all, sleeping in every class, not doing homework and so on. After oneish semesters as that, I changed my degree to business. i failed everything again. after that i kept my choice but was more undecided doing only liberal arts. i barely passed a few classes but failed more. after that i decided to go to another school, cheaper one, and go for a culinary degree. Ive always be complimented on my cooking and at the time i wanted to open my own furry themed restaurant. i failed each class because i never showed up or i showed up late. so i decided to take time off it after my spring semester in i think 2016. (please pardon if dates dont add up. I'm trying to do things off top of my head). andsince then ive just been working. i love the work force but im so tired of cooking. SO! moving forward after talking to family, i decided to go back to school and give it a good try. not fucking it up this time. starting as undecided though. i want a carreer that ill be happy with and not that im going to hate. i honestly would love to draw or create in general for a living but unless i improve alot that is just a pipe dream.
health
so this one.. well im alive lol. honestly im quite healthy but as usual i never succeeded in my weight-loss. infact i gained. id rather not say the number as i am ashamed i got this bad. that said i am starting on the right track to lose weight. even have found some help in vaping to help take the edge off cravings which is a lifesend! the goal is to be 50lb lighter by the end of 2018
art
as i had said, i havent drawn much and sadly no i will not be posting any on here as they are either imcomplete or im not hnappy with them. that said i am drawing again, i have created a new sona that right now seems to fit me a bit better. i never will get rid of scrapyard but he might be a bit less relevant currently. but things change and maybe ill change my mind. im hoping to finish up my picture by sunday so hopefully i will! and starting the nerw year im going to be posting more. it might be more just practice pieces to develop a style and also work on sizing and all but i feel so happy to be back in the artist chair!
conclusion/ plan
alright so this is alot, pretty much i went away cause i was shit and i want to be better. im ready to be me again cause for once in 2 years i finnaly feel more like me. more optimistic, artistic, and hopeful! im on a path and itll take time but i hope i can bring you all with me and hope to spread and bring more people with me!
My plan of action
1. draw more and care less. pretty much im going to try doing a picture a week and will even try and have someone keep me too it so i dont fail.
2. lose weight. im tired of the body im in and its time for a positive change
3. become happy in work and schooling. its time for my career not a job and school will get me there! i will make everyone proud with my brain!
4. find more of who i am. at times i struggle with identity. whether its sexuality, or what im meant for or whatever. i want this year to finnaly be knowing.
5.improve improve improve! i wont stop until i succeed!
and for "superficial" goal set. this year i want to go to a con. im nervous to go on my own but i want to be more comfy in the fandom again. i feel like im an outsider for no reason and i want to fix that. i also want to make some more friends. ive always been scared meeting people cause i normally scare people off but i want and hope to make more friends :)
well! i feel like im missing alot but i cant think much. had a mind numbing day so its hard to think. if theres any questions please please ask! ill gladly answer or even just talk :)
Thank you all for waiting, and lets hope i make it worth the wait!
where to begin... well lets start with a bit of why i had went to be a full lurker and not a contributor.
Put simply, I lost my way. I don't know how best to put it other then that. for the 2 years i drew maybe... 3? maybe 4 times? and that's complete stuff. as for incomplete stuff, we are looking at maybe 20? max. now why i didn't put them here is because i saw no reason too. it was because i was comparing myself to some of the fantastic artists i watch and it discouraged me (it still does in a way). I started drawing cause I loved it, and then I got it in my head that I had to be perfect immediately and because of that it aggravated me. Its no excuse and I admittedly am a bit ashamed of my envy. That said I think I have finally got it through my skull to not be that way anymore and to go back to creating to make me feel good again. And so far it feels fantastic!
work
Now back at my last journal I believe I was still at BK. Well that is long since done and I've had around 4 jobs after it. 2 are where I currently work. Now that has also been a cause of my lack of content or anything. I'm mentally and physically and even emotionally drained out most every day. I've been working in the food industry since I could work so 6 years almost 7. I did go to school to earn a degree but that will be what I talk about next. I want to assure you that I am going to be leaving my jobs sooner rather then later as I am looking for a single full time job in order to actually have down time and go back to being me. Because as it currently sits I'm just a workaholic and nothing more... which sucks...
school..
ugh what can i say... well I think it was around 2014 maybe 2015 that I worked up the courage to go to college. I started with a computer tech degree. and i promptly failed most all my classes by acting how i did in highshool. either showing up late, not showing up at all, sleeping in every class, not doing homework and so on. After oneish semesters as that, I changed my degree to business. i failed everything again. after that i kept my choice but was more undecided doing only liberal arts. i barely passed a few classes but failed more. after that i decided to go to another school, cheaper one, and go for a culinary degree. Ive always be complimented on my cooking and at the time i wanted to open my own furry themed restaurant. i failed each class because i never showed up or i showed up late. so i decided to take time off it after my spring semester in i think 2016. (please pardon if dates dont add up. I'm trying to do things off top of my head). andsince then ive just been working. i love the work force but im so tired of cooking. SO! moving forward after talking to family, i decided to go back to school and give it a good try. not fucking it up this time. starting as undecided though. i want a carreer that ill be happy with and not that im going to hate. i honestly would love to draw or create in general for a living but unless i improve alot that is just a pipe dream.
health
so this one.. well im alive lol. honestly im quite healthy but as usual i never succeeded in my weight-loss. infact i gained. id rather not say the number as i am ashamed i got this bad. that said i am starting on the right track to lose weight. even have found some help in vaping to help take the edge off cravings which is a lifesend! the goal is to be 50lb lighter by the end of 2018
art
as i had said, i havent drawn much and sadly no i will not be posting any on here as they are either imcomplete or im not hnappy with them. that said i am drawing again, i have created a new sona that right now seems to fit me a bit better. i never will get rid of scrapyard but he might be a bit less relevant currently. but things change and maybe ill change my mind. im hoping to finish up my picture by sunday so hopefully i will! and starting the nerw year im going to be posting more. it might be more just practice pieces to develop a style and also work on sizing and all but i feel so happy to be back in the artist chair!
conclusion/ plan
alright so this is alot, pretty much i went away cause i was shit and i want to be better. im ready to be me again cause for once in 2 years i finnaly feel more like me. more optimistic, artistic, and hopeful! im on a path and itll take time but i hope i can bring you all with me and hope to spread and bring more people with me!
My plan of action
1. draw more and care less. pretty much im going to try doing a picture a week and will even try and have someone keep me too it so i dont fail.
2. lose weight. im tired of the body im in and its time for a positive change
3. become happy in work and schooling. its time for my career not a job and school will get me there! i will make everyone proud with my brain!
4. find more of who i am. at times i struggle with identity. whether its sexuality, or what im meant for or whatever. i want this year to finnaly be knowing.
5.improve improve improve! i wont stop until i succeed!
and for "superficial" goal set. this year i want to go to a con. im nervous to go on my own but i want to be more comfy in the fandom again. i feel like im an outsider for no reason and i want to fix that. i also want to make some more friends. ive always been scared meeting people cause i normally scare people off but i want and hope to make more friends :)
well! i feel like im missing alot but i cant think much. had a mind numbing day so its hard to think. if theres any questions please please ask! ill gladly answer or even just talk :)
Thank you all for waiting, and lets hope i make it worth the wait!
