I had an entire free day and yet i came up with nothing.

what the hell is wrong with me?

that's my time in SFM.

most of that is just staring at it like a blank canvas. wondering what to do.

stress, anxiety and depression can be an absolute bitch. living in an environment with 2 piss artists for 18 years can do that to a person.
(FYI. Piss Artist is British slang for an Alcoholic.)

Nah!

not at this time.

Got too much shit to deal with. I'm burned out, tired and frustrated.

Since Monday I've had vicious tooth pain and swelling in the face. I'm taking painkillers and anti inflammation meds but the effect is starting to wear off.

So it's dentist time. Hopefully they can drain the abcess and give me antibiotics.

Physically and mentally. So very tired.

........to go against my principles for the sake of being noticed. all my life i've done good and all i've gotten out of it is a "Cheers dickhead". am I wrong to chase just the slightest bit of recognition?

So I've had a problem with Ants in the kitchen recently. this means I'll have to go out and get some ant killer. problem is i've got to go and get it on the hottest day that the UK has had since the 1500's, 28.C (82.4.F). I'm not built for this kind of heat.

you know what the worst part is? I don't drive! It's a 30 minute walk from my house to town.

Random journal I know. no idea why I wanted to mention this. maybe the normal summer heat has fried my brain already.

I have a comic idea that was to be released on the same day as my birthday but due to a cold (fuckin hate retail) I've had to pospone it. It's still coming mind you. not for you, but for me. I deserve it. Wasted week off due to cold plus many other factors. my patience has run out. so my little comic is for me. not you. but enjoy it anyway. when it comes at least.

.......fuck!

(also ill which is just typical).

I experienced it today in a very different capacity.

whilst at work. out of nowhere i suddenly lost all energy and stamina, became short of breath, was shaking like mad, had heart palpitations and thought i was about to drop dead. when in the staff room trying to deal with my symptoms, one of my colleagues called the manager on duty and said "you need to get up here now. he's going mental up here". at that point an ambulance was called for me. the paramedics arrived and did all the preliminary tests on me. they found that physically I'm in perfect shape. mentally however not so much. turns out that I experienced my first ever anxiety attack and it was a big one to boot.

My doctor has been notified and i plan to visit him on monday.

after the sheer hell I have been through I'm surprised this did not happen sooner. regardless of that I think it is official that I am broken.

but then again who cares? like the other journals no one will reply.

Time for me to tell a story.

5 weeks ago my mother started showing signs of delirium along with not being able to walk or stand. the rest of the family thought it might have been Alcohol Withdrawl symptoms. so I kept an eye out on her. over the next 2 weeks she got a lot worse to the point of not being able to talk. so I decided to call for help. i'm glad i made that call. when the first ambulance and paramedic team turned up they were having trouble so they ended up having to call for a second ambulance. they managed to get her off to hospital and immediately she was put into the ICU. sedated and put on a ventilator. It turns out that she had gotten a rather nasty infection from Colitis that had reduced her to such a state. over these past 3 weeks she has shown signs of improvement and is now more talkative and can move her legs. still unable to stand or walk though. but she is improving slowly.

However fate has decided to kick me in the balls again.

Last week i was off work. a week granted to me on compassion so i could get on top of the cleaning and look after my father. I managed to do so and made sure everything was neat and tidy for when mum came home. But on the sunday just gone my father then started having diarrhea qite badly. he did not get out of bed on sunday, he went downstairs to watch TV onmonday but needed help getting up to bed when he wanted to go sleep at 5 in the afternoon. over the past few days i noticed he was coughing more, was hot to the touch and extremely sweaty. plus he was starting to have more trouble walking. I immediately recognised what was going on and yesterday I called another ambulance. this time beause my father still has all his mental faculties working he refused them. not once but twice. yes i called the ambulance twice and even they said that he needed to go to the hospital. low blood pressure, high heart rate and crackly breathing. both sets of paramedics had the same readings.

fast forward to today and I managed to convince my father (with the help of my sister) to go to hospital. because when he was being looked at yesterday they said one word that sent a shiver down my spine. Sepsis. they turned up and for some reason the readings they got were not that bad. they gave him the choice of either staying at home and using his COPD Steroid based Antibiotics to treat himself at home or he could go to hospital. then the machine the paramedics carry around started bleeping furiously. i mentioned "this happened yesterday with the other paramedics." to which the response was "Well that changes the game considerably. we have to take you to hospital".

so within the space of less than a month. BOTH of my parents are in the hospital getting treated for life threatening Infections. Life has been an absoulte bitch for me lately and i'm not enjoying it in the slightest.

SFM pics will not be completely stopped for a time. instead they will be slowed down. Requests are still off the table. My current situation has somewhat improved but still not ideal, so i'll be creating images of my own volition whenever i can get the time to do so.

My mother went into hospital on saturday and I've been pretty much running the whole house at this point as well as going to my job.

Quick Question.

Would it be better for people if I put all alternate angles for Images into a filesharing site? i've noticed a few people doing that lately.

This is mostly because I'm sick to the back teeth of seeing the previous journal.

So. to my long time Subscribers. what happened to the previous art? It's all in Scraps. I've decided after all these years with no advancement when it comes to drawing and digital colouring I've decided to shelve it until I get the urge to make something on that front again.

SFM has become my main medium. I've come to enjoy using the program and learning it's ins and outs. I'm still learning more and more about it with each and every image and animation I make. Animations are few and far between but I enjoy making them. Though i have found that I need to make a list of models that i use on a regular basis due to the fact that I forget who made what half the time. I've also been toying with the idea of learning Blender as well so i can learn how to make my own models or addons and skins for previously made models. Comissioning others for said addons and skins is a far off dream at the moment as I'm pretty much broke all the time.

I've got quite a lot of models that i have yet to use. I'll get there in the end.

Now for all the new Subscribers.

Welcome to my page, The content you will see will vary greatly due to the fact that I plan to explore many avenues when it comes to SFM based Furry Erotica (barring some of the more extreme fetishes. and definately none of the ones that go against TOS.). Expect to see not just erotica but comics and other stuff.

Last but not least a question for you all.

Commissions. I've seen some SFM artists take commissions for their work. I've been wrestling with the idea of taking comms myself but i'm not sure if I'm good enough to even entertain the thought of doing that. so I'd like to know. Should I start taking steps to advertise Comms or should I further improve myself before i even think about it again?

I think i've covered everything so far. Time for sleep.

I ignore It.

i've got enough problems on my own plate and i choose not to take any notice.

one thing you may not know about me is that i have Anxiety and Depression.

and they both drive me right up the fucking wall.

every single person i watch i never comment on and it makes me feel like a total arse for not commenting. sure some kinks are not my cup of tea but it's the art style i watch for and not the kink. (well sometimes the kink. i love big titties)

so i will attempt to combat my demons on my own personal terms. (no meds. never have and never will) positive comments on art will be the start of my self rehabilitation. as for what follows i have no idea. i've been concentrating more on gaming as of late and a lot of my time for the past few years has been focused on SL (i'm a bit of an addict). i have been playing with SFM for a while but nothing noteworthy. i have some shit on my Youtube channel buried amongst the game footage. but nothing of any true value.

BTW i've also practically retired from drawing as i feel i have not improved in the slightest.

aside from that i've done nothing of value. (i have to do this thing called work and it gets on my nerves seeing as i am a senior member ogf staff and a keyholder to the building.)

i'll attempt to keep my own personal promises but take that with a pinch of salt.

after seeing a journal about an inflatable that looks eerily similar to a popular character in the Fandom i decided to look through the website library myself.

lo and behold.

https://hongyitoy.en.alibaba.com/pr.....1c0c56470EZtka

sure the colors are different and there have been changes here and there. but it looks eerily similar to this.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17849913/

sporting the teeth of this.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16310773/

Has anyone else had a similar sence of De Ja Vu with that company?

Just trying to get the word around that Zeta R-02  Zeta_R-02 is being impersonated on Twitter. Zeta has never had a twitter account and i doubt she will.

It''s bad enough that she was driven to stop working on her game due to stupid people and now someone is trying to leech from her popularity.

please report this account and help to get it terminated. ---> https://twitter.com/LxstfulCyborg

on monday the 7th of may i learned that my long time friend on SL G8r Starship (Star) passed away on the 28th of april due to Pancreatic Cancer.

we both founded the TFF studio on SL and ran it for a fair while. i have many fond memories of her and she will never be forgotten.

She bought me my Stallion Avatar way back when we first met.
We hung out many a time talking about all sorts of things.
We made movies together.
She loved to distract me from my building work on SL and I encouraged it at all times.

I will never forget you my dear friend. you lit up many lives in SL and in some cases RL. you were the light that burned bright and illuminated those who surrounded you.

at least all of your friends can take comfort that you are no longer in pain.

Rest In Peace Star.

I'll miss you.

i did a thing with OBS since i got a new hard drive.

have some crappy TF2 gameplay vids.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJu-4Xam8iQ&t=27s - Part 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpT-X-64OCs&t=25s - Part 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH228SiByQo - Part 3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_ZdMV0OmlI&t=2s - Part 4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YePIzVmbWGA&t=15s - Part 5
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD9kJy0pqUA&t=19s - Part 6
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5sRN--JCkY&t=25s - Part 7

also if you want to follow my guff on youtube than you'll have to use the links provided because according to the contact info no matter what i do it says i apparently don't exist.

finally getting that squared away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJXw1U8gf1I

Enjoy this stupid waste of your time.

a few weeks back i felt it was time to try something new. so i decided to dive into the world of G-mod.

since then i have been learning the ropes and decided to put out a series of my own.

Brain Sharts.

so for any who are interested here are the first 2 episodes.

Episode 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InE7qwA6b5E

Episode 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DA4ZSszeazU

try not to make sense of it.

also enjoy.

decided to test the streaming software i got by playing some Gunstar Heroes.

i think it turned out o.k.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFtiIxCPfz0

after the 2 weeks i had off i got better.

however i'm still a lazy arse when it comes to Art but i'm hoping to change that. (don't get your hopes up though as like i said i'm a lazy arse).

also i found out i have a mild wheat intolerance.