I'm sorry for my absence and that I haven't been very responsive. Especially to those that have sent notes or left comments that I haven't responded to. I've been dealing with depression for quite a while, almost 2 years now. The serverity of it has its highs and lows, and the last couple weeks it has been very bad.
I see things I need to do, things I need to respond to, things I should want to do cause they're things I enjoy... but I can just never get the drive, motivation, or energy to get myself to do it. Most of the time, all I can do is sleep. I slept about 30 hours this last weekend. I can't even bring myself to play video games most of the time.
It seems to be getting worse. The only thing I can ever really force myself to do is get up and go to work, cause I have to. But even that is getting harder and harder. Especially when I think about it. I'm agonizing myself doing labor for 8 hours a day, simply to sustain myself. But what for? A worthless life with nothing good and no happiness, and ABSOLUTELY NO hope that that will ever change. So why go to work? To prolong hell? Why not just let it all end now? The more I realize this, the harder it is to even do what I "have" to do.

I've been going to a therapist. I'm not sure for how long now. 8 sessions? Maybe 9. I don't know that its helped. It could be my fault though, that I'm just not as depressed on the days I go, and I just seem better off to them than I am. I think they think because I'm trying things to solve my depression, they want to just support that for now and see if it works. But I'm about at my wits end here. I don't want to ask them to have a doctor prescribe me anti-depressants though, or increase the meager amount I'm on.
Yeah, if they got me some really good anti-depressants it might actually really make me happy. That's great, happiness is what I want. But it would be a false, dependent happiness. Dependent upon those pills. And after being depressed for so long, I probably do have some actual chemical imbalances in the brain, but the core, root causes of my depression are outside sources. Things that could be fixed. And if fixed, I could find happiness. If not fixed, well, I could go on anti-depressants and be happy, but it would just be a bandaid over the wound.
I know myself. I am not ambitious, I am not a take charge kind of person. I am complacent. I am VERY complacent. If I am happy with something, I will NEVER, EVER do anything to try and make it better. Therefore, if a negative stimulus is taken away (unhappiness) by an anti-depressant, I would simply stop ever trying to fix the things in my life causing me depression. On the flip-side, I'm so depressed that its extremely, extremely hard to come up with the energy or motivation to get myself to try and fix my depression as it is now.

As for what's causing the depression. Primarily, its not having a girlfriend. And the knowledge that I never will have one. I try. I've set up profiles on a few dating sites, message people, try to talk to people, and they never message me back, or just up and vanish. I don't know what's so fucking wrong with me, but I guess life is just telling me to give it up and end everything. That, and having pretty much no people around here to be friends with. I have online friends, I have friends that live quite a ways away, there's hardly anyone that lives actually nearby, (as in, the same city/ less than 30 minutes away), where I can just call them up and be like, hey, can I come by and hang for a bit?

So what do I get to do every night day after day? Sit here, alone, in this apartment. Starring at a computer screen. Refreshing FA, twitter, facebook. Over and over and over and over. Hearing about how everyone else has all these buddies they are out doing this or that with.

So, once again, I'm sorry that its taken me a long time in the past to get to comments and notes, and currently is taking a while yet again. I hope to respond to stuff shortly, and post some more stuff soon. If my depression allows, and I don't just decide to ..

Anyway, I leave you with lyrics from one of my most hated songs, but that pretty much sum up exactly how I feel

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

Seemed interesting enough, and seems to be the thing right now. :P

Post an assumption or two you have about me and I'll respond with whether its true or not.

Gonna keep this relatively brief (or not...lol). Overall it was a decent con. Not as good as last year, fair amount of depression, got ditched multiple times by multiple people, and some drama. Beyond that, it was pretty good.

Drove down with  Vexser and hung out a bit with  Punkcat ,  Quietwild ,  Ix_the_Puppy , and  stormshepherd before our room mates (who decided to drive to West Virginia instead of Pennsylvania on advice from Professor Snape)  charrwolffan ,  klaussthewolftaur , and  Dodger_Kasumi finally arrived. Hung out with them and our other room mate  Lifrin and another friend of ours  Furrygreenfox for a while and on-and off throughout the con.

Between hanging out with the room mates I floated around between meeting and/or hanging with  jouva ,  Pyrocanis , , , , , , , , , , , of and getting an awesome new tail from them! , Tyzin, lilchiwolf, silversillyyena, xanderfoxfire, neontex, pyrokai, caltroplay, aiky-poo, aerolee, copperbadger, and Jackthecoonbro, as well as some people I don't know the FAs of D:

On saturday Reizo came down and I got to meet up with him. <3 Also got to meet his room mate Bluerockcandy, who was attending his first convention.

On Sunday I FINALLY ran into itragedy and we got to hang and talk for a while. <3

Also got to meet some awesome people for the first time like avifox, coaster14, vallhund, niic, D-generation-x, SKskunk, and Arashiotter, as well as some more people I dun know the FAs of. D:

Unfortunately, missed seeing a couple people there I wanted to meet up with like TheBlackRook and Akashi_Duela.

So yeah, spent most of the con wandering, hanging with people, and trying to find people like with most cons.

After the con I am now unfortunately without a mistress as well. Hoping I can find a way to fix that with a new one soon *puppydog eyes*


Also, so to anyone who's commented or sent a note recently. I'm trying to get to them as soon as I can. v.v

I just wanted to give some advanced notice about something I'll be uploading next, probably tomorrow. Its actually my own work, and is a story, well, part of a story, that I started about 10 years ago. Still isn't finished, I have 11 chapters on computer, and about 13 more written down. I was hoping to get a decent amount of feedback on the parts that I upload, was thinking just the first 4 chapters for now. And since writing most always gets less attention than art on FA, I wanted to make a journal about it ahead of time. If I get some good feedback on it, I've been considering going back to it and writing more. Probably reworking what I've written already as well, since it certainly isn't perfect. But I've also been looking into writing a new story, based around angles and demons. So, we'll see which I go with. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Lots of love to you all! <3 <3

Who will you be rooming with?
 vexser  CharrwolfFAN  klaussthewolftaur and one or two other people I don't know

What hotel are you staying at?
At the Omni

Who will you hang out with during the convention?
 Adorablemeow/whoever she's hanging out with,  Vexser,  klaussthewolftaur,  CharrwolfFAN,  LucaShoal,  Jouva, hopefully  Nargleflex, and any other people I know that end up going

What is the best way to find you?
Texting me on my phone will most likely be the best way. Baring that, I should frequently be in or passing through the main hotel lobby or the zoo.

Are there any panels you might be attending?
Probably only if there are people I'm with that really want to go. Last AC I didn't really go to any con events other than the parade. o:

What do you look like?
girly boi. Long hair, girly clothes.

Will you be suiting?
Unfortunately no. No suit yet. :c Will be next AC though.

Do you do free art?
I could, but it would suck

Do you do trades?
I could, but it would suck

Do you do badges/commissions?
I could, but they will suck

What is your gender?
GirlyBoy

How tall are you?
5'7"

Are you mated/in a relationship?
Nope!! ;.;

Can I talk to you?
Of course! D:

Can I touch you?
Sure, lol

Can I visit your room?
I'd be fine with it, but would depend on the room mates

Can I buy you drinks?
Pop, sure. Booze, fuck no.

Can I give you stuff?
Sure!? O:

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
Of course you can! D:

Are you nice?
I'd like to think I am

How long are you going?
Thursday - Sunday night

Do you have an artist table?
Nope

Will you be going to parties?
Not unless I'm invited to any... I won't be invited to any...

Will you be performing?
Doubtful

Do you have prints/CDs?
Nope

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Shout out Scynt is the best way. Cute things, or shiny things work at getting my attention too O:

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
Yes sure! :D

Can I take your picture?
Maybe? x.x

What's your goal(s) for the con this year?
To have a good time, to meet people I talk to online, and to meet new people.

So, its been a set thing for a while, like since November, but I've never actually said anything about it except to some specific people.
I have commissioned a fursuit (back in November, lol :P ) and it will be made by  fursuiting Should be finished by Midwest Furfest of this year.

Hoping it'll turn out well.

So, looks like I'll be getting a commission I've been planning on getting for a while. It'll be a rather gory fight scene commission. Dunno if I'll upload it here or not, we'll see but anyway, looking for some people to fill dead/dying spots. Would be relatively cheap, like $20 or less, haven't really decided, cause if I don't get anyone, or don't get 5 like I want I'll just be using randoms for the spots. Just thought I'd ask and see. :O

Love you all~

First off, I play a lot of video games. Notably lesser than I once did, but still occupies a lot of my free time. I was thinking trying to stream while playing would be a fun way to hang out with some people, stream game, voice chat going, reading the stream chat on my PC.
Only thing is, it'd be a decent financial commitment to get a capture card, and a headset for voice (mostly the capture card), since I play on PS3 and not PC.

So, I wanted to see if people would be interested in joining gaming streams if I had them before blowing $200ish dollars.
Regrettably, if I did do it, I would only be able to stream after midnight weekdays and on Weekends, due to my work schedule.
So, would anyone be interested?


Also, I want to apologize to people that comment on stuff and send me notes that A) it takes me so long to respond, and B) some are not responded to yet. I really suck at being proactive, and my depression keeps me tired and apathetic a lot, and my social anxiety makes me procrastinate. x.x I'm really really sorry to everyone. x.x

Also, not ignoring anyone from the last journal, just haven't gotten around to doing anything yet. x.x

Soooo, I've come to notice that my favorite (vanilla) activity, rimming, is terribly scarce in my commissions I've gotten. This needs to change. D:

So, I wanna eat some bums. :9
And I wanted to know if anyone would be interested in joining with me to get pics together of me rimming them. Cause I wanna get a number of rimming pics, different poses, different angles, some romantic, some domination.

We can also go for simple ass worship and facesitting as well. <3

Not really going to be an official sign up journal or anything, just kinda gauging interest. If interested, just answer a couple things:

Able to pay for half: (y/n)
Romantic or Forced/Domination:

Things to note, this is only Scynt rimming someone else, not the other way around. I dun like getting rimmed. All rimming would be done submissively, whether romantic or forced/domination, the one getting rimmed would still be the "top" in the pic (since some people view rimming as a dominant activity, I do not).

I'll nom any butt, so feel free to shove them at me! D:

Well, its Tuesday once again, and I haven't TMI'd in like months. O: So, ask away, ask me anything~
And I'll get back to answer them later, probably the end of the day. If there are any questions at all. >.>

 TravarisRhade or his new account  TheBlackRook is currently having a lot of issues with some bad financial problems as well as new family problems like the tragic passing of his grandmother, which also deepens the financial problems. If anyone could help out at all by possibly looking into commissioning when he opens, donating whatever you might be able to, or simply offering some support or spreading the word, it would help out greatly.
You can read more about his situation here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5706777/
Thanks so much for taking the time to read.

Love you all. <3

Something I want, but I know I'll never get..

To clarify, before people get confused, I like guys too, and really prefer a cock to a vagina, but just overall I find myself more drawn to the idea of being with a girl than a guy for the rest of my life. Add in the fact that IRL, I've seen plenty of females I was physically attracted to, but have never seen a male that I was physically attracted to.

But it all doesn't matter, cause I'll never be able to get a girlfriend. How do I know? Cause I've never had a serious girlfriend in all my life, and its been 10 years since a girl even looked my way. And I'm so damn shy I can't even just strike up conversations with people, let alone talk to someone I'm attracted to.

I mean, if it worked out with a guy, I'd be with one, but being with a girl is so much more of a happy thought, and I wouldn't have to be jealous of any and every guy I see with a girl. But it'll never happen. You can't even imagine how depressing of a thought this is, part of what's kept me deep in the pits of depression the last year, along with having hardly any IRL friends.

So, for those that don't know yet I was in the hospital for most this last week. Had emergency surgery to remove my spleen.

Tuesday I woke up with a lot of pain in my chest belly and shoulders. I got up to walk it off, started to get dizzy and collapsed, hitting my head on the doorframe in the process. Decided I'd try just sleeping it off so I crawled back into the bed. Was woken up again a little later by a delivery man. Got up to answer the door and actually passed out onto the floor for a moment. Went into ER and they preformed a bunch of tests eventually finding a laceration in my spleen. They immediately prepped me for surgery and removed it. Doctor said he had tried to repair it, but it just started falling apart as he touched it, so he had to just take it all out. I've been recovering in the hospital since then. Just got released last night and am at my parents' house for a bit recovering.

The doctors were pretty sure it happened from the accident last month, since they said it takes a very strong impact to damage the spleen to that extent. They were shocked it took so long to show symptoms though.

So, I've been planning on giving Scynt a tattoo. After discussing it with a couple of my friends, I settled on a bow on his hip. It'll be light pink in color to match his nose/feetbottoms/pawpads/ears. I've been trying to get this all figured out cause its the last thing I need finalized for my fursuit I should be getting this year. But, I need some opinions on exact placement. So:

http://i.imgur.com/Flceu1K.jpg


Wondering what people think. One of these, some different placement?

Worst day of the year.
Will probably be ignoring all journals and all submissions posted today. And not very talkative either most likely.

I mean, as much as I like being reminded I have no one and never will...

Fuck Valentine's Day.

Got back from GLFC last night and it was certainly a very good con. Would probably say it was the second best con I've been to after RainFurrest. The staff was great and accommodating; the panels, while rather sparse, were very good from the ones I went to, the DJs were excellent, and the extra rooms like the game room, DD and AA were all fairly well stocked.
For a first time con, it was pretty impressive how well it all worked out and for the numbers it got. About 368 (If I recall correctly) attendees and 76 fursuits in the parade.

Only real issues I had was parking was absolutely abysmal. If you left the con for any reason, you would not be getting a parking spot in the hotel lot again until at least 11pm. Also, the entire hotel was absolutely freezing. A plus I'm sure for all the suiters, but for non-suiters, not as much.

Personally, I hung around mostly with  Vexser and meandered in between other people I knew from time to time. Had only a couple spots of depression this con, but not too bad, mostly just short little episodes of seeing everyone else being able to cuddle with everyone else and I never get cuddles from anyone. Other than that, had fun most all the con. A welcome change from most other cons I've been to.


Besides the con, I did some thinking at work today (rarely seems to produce happy results) and, it could just be PCD talking, but I'm thinking that once I get my suit, I won't be wearing it to the local furmeets. Still to cons, just not the meets around here. I'm considering to a lesser extent just not going to meets anymore at all... but we'll see how I feel after a few more days.

Was driving down the expressway, hit some deep snowdrift, started swerving, went completely sideways and off the road and hit a phone poll with the side of my car...

Two truck driver is pretty sure its totaled because of the type of frame, supposedly isn't one that can be bent back into place...

Also my back hurts

Firstly, Merry Christmas to all of you wonderful fluffies. Hope you all have a good holiday and stay safe. *hugs*

As for where I've been, mostly its been Pokemon. Been rather obsessed with it the past 3 weeks or so. So, that's been most of the reason why I have had little presence on FA, on YIM or AIM, and why I've been even quieter than usual on Skype.
The other reason for those, my laptop decided to die on me. I now currently have a crappy, slow loaner computer that barely can run skype at all. But it is what it is till I buy a new one.

Just wanted to leave an update. Back to Pokemon. And if anyone would like to add me, check my previous journal~

Love you all.

So, just got my 3DS XL, and I've had a copy of Pokemon Y for the last few days. Now, I need friends. x3 So, anyone who would like to add me, please feel free to do so and leave your friend code. Especially if you have pokemon. ^^

Friend code: 1349-6034-7751

Hope to see you on there. ^^

Hope everyone out there has a wonderful and safe holiday today.
I'm personally not a fan. Don't like the food at all. And some of my family can be really annoying. >.>
But hopefully everyone else has a great holiday and enjoys their time off and holiday dinner.

Stay safe loves. Love you all. <3

Who all is going to MFF? Hoping I won't end up alone most of the time like at FCN

Anyway, stolen from  sparkthedalmation /  wildfox34


Where are you staying?
Westin O'Hare

Means of transportation?
My car

What day are you getting there?
Early afternoon Thursday

Sharing a room with:
 KlausstheWolftaur and one other that I dunno if he has an FA

What is your gender?
(Girly) boi

Relationship Status:
Single...

How tall are you?
5' 7"

Where will you be most of the time during the day?
Most likely somewhere in the Main hotel unless out for meals somewhere. I dunno if I'll be going to many panels, but I'll probably be in the lobby a fair bit, the dealer's den a fair bit, at most fursuit events.

Who will you be with?
I dunno... hopefully not alone...

Do you do free art?
You really don't want art from me. :P

Do you do trades?
You really don't want art from me. :P

Do you do commissions?
You really don't want art from me. :P

Do you have prints/ CDs?
Nope.

Will you be suiting?
Don't have a suit, so no...
Hopefully will have my suit by mid next year though!

Can I dance with you?
I suppose. :P If I go to the dances, dunno yet.

Can I touch you?
As long as its not creepy. XD

Can I talk to you?
Of course! Please do! Lord knows I'm to shy to start a conversation with someone... ;.;

Can I hug you?
Of course!

Can I take photos of you/with you?
I'd prefer not, I can't stand seeing pictures of myself. ;.;

Can I give you stuff?
If you want to. :P

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
Of course! I LOVE hugs and snuggles!

Are you nice?
I would like to think I am. :3

How long are you going?
Thursday through Sunday

Will you be going to parties?
If I get invited to any. I won't be invited to any. v.v

Can we hang out?
Sure! I love to hang out with people. Its why I'm there!

Attending any events?
Maybe a panel or two. Fursuit events like the parade, games, and dance competitions are the only things I really try to plan to make at cons though.

How can I find you at the con?
If you have my number you can text me. Otherwise, can try leaving a message on twitter, facebook or FA, dunno how often I'll check that stuff though, as I don't have a smart phone. Otherwise, check the main hotel lobby and I might be around there.

If I see you, how should I get your attention?
Attract me with some shiny, pretty, or cute things; wave me over, or call out Scynt all work. :P

Can I look in your sketchbook?
Don't have one.

Can I draw in your sketchbook?
Don't have one.

Can I come with you for food/fun/etc?
I'm always open to people joining in on whatever I'm doing. :3

May I kidnap you to my room?
Umm, yes, probably. xD

What's your goal(s) for the con this year?
To have fun, meet friends, hopefully make more, and hopefully not be alone and miserable.

Hello and good morning. ^^ Just want to wish all of you lovely people that may watch me or just randomly come across this journal today a very happy Halloween.

Hope you all get to do something fun and perhaps furry related today and aren't stuck at work all night like I will be.

Love you all. <3 <3

So, I've figured I'd need to do this for a while now, but now I know I do. I had three people lined up for the room at MFF that I booked, but all three are having money issues and 1 for sure isn't going to be able to make it, and the other two aren't looking likely either.

So... I can't get a room all on my own. Therefore, I need to see if I can get some other people in the room. I'd prefer only people I kind of know, but we can talk and see if someone would be a good fit if someone is interested.

So, if anyone is interested, please let me know. It is in the overflow Westin hotel, not the main hotel. Its booked for Thursday through Sunday. Thanks a lot.

Love you all. <3

So, I finally bit the bullet and went out and bought a new car this weekend. As some of you know, my old car I've been driving, a 1998 Mercury Villager, is a POS and is the reason I needed to find alternate transportation to most cons, since I couldn't trust that it would stay running. :P

I mean, no speedometer for the past 5 years, the roof leaking in three spots, the breaks barely working cause last time they were repaired they had to bypass the junction box cause it was too rusted to get into, the Anti-lock breaks not working right and grinding the breaks every time I go to stop, the power steering squeeling every time I turn and just not working whenever it got wet, multiple things in the vehicle not working like the sun-roof and the air conditioner, and the muffler starting to rust out.
Not to mention it was making about 13 miles to the gallon for gas. :P

But, over the weekend I bought a 2007 Honda Civic. A lot better than my old car, lol. Nice to finally have something that had the basics working on it, and I don't have to worry about it dying on me. xD

Picture: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11837735/

I'm thinking about getting it painted. 4 paint schemes come to mind:
1) Leaving it black and painting two thick white stripes down the top. SKUNK! :D
2) Leaving it black and painting two thick pink stripes down the top. GIRLY SKUNK! :D
3) Painting it pink and painting two thick white stripes down the top. ULTIMATE GIRLY SKUNK! xD
4) Painting it pink and painting two thick black stripes down the top. COOL GIRLIE SKUNK! x3

Wondering what everyone thinks would be best. x3


Also, planning on getting a custom license plate soon for it. Still trying to decide between two though:

SKUNKIE
SCYNT

Not sure which to get. Any thoughts?


But yay, glad I got a new car finally. x3 Hoping I won't have to worry about that again for another 15 years or so. :P

Well, as of midnight today (midnight here anyway) it is now my birthday. Not gonna discuss how old we are :P but, just gonna say I feel old. x.x

No plans, other than going to work at 3pm (woohoo...). All in all, basically not going to be much different than any other day.