Nothing much to write here at the moment~!

I just wanted to make sure that my little rant didn't remain on my page for too long. Those interested can find it in the "Be*Longing*" titled journal entry.

Aside from this? not much to add. If anything prominent comes to mind though, I'll let yall know~

To those who are repulsed by rant pages, you might as ignore this whole journal page. you don't have to, but odds are you won't like this either. Trying to save ya time.

For Everyone Else: I apologize in advance. what comes next is... basically a rant of sorts. I'm hitting my limit on being quiet, and, other than just blowing off steam, this stuff... it might not be something to keep quiet about. Even if it is... I can't... really keep it quiet anymore.



I can't actually pick and choose who is really evil. the kind that seems to come close the most often are sociopaths: Diseased individuals who truly can NOT comprehend the idea that others might have the same desires, needs, and fears that they do, and thus, simply don't care about others...
For other "Bad" people: Most people have similar desires. some are more gifted than others, have better opportunities. Unfortunately, sometimes these opportunities hurt people for no good reason. To you who do these things... Think *seriously* about who you might be harming. Remember, they can suffer just as much as you, and NO, that's not a reason to TEST them.

To be honest, my hope in humanity is flagging badly. the world we live in... it has limited resources... not everyone can receive what they need to be happy. Predators eventually evolved to solve this problem... to harm other living things, take their lives as a resource.
Sadly, nature seems to approve of this method, but like everything else humanity has and does, in order to allow our species to thrive, balance has to exist. At some point, the Predators HAVE to stop killing. HAVE to stop hoarding... if this doesn't happen, predators will be the only ones surviving, and thus, the world will become even more harsh, hard, and difficult than it already is.
Don't mistake kindness for weakness. there *are* potentially rich individuals who give what they don't need to others who do. Since they don't hoard, they don't get richer and richer, so the extremely wealthy look down on them, like their total net worth is some sort of god-damned high score...
This breed of evil doesn't extend to johnny millionare: rich people can and should exist. They create businesses, and factories, and trade and work opportunities for people who need it....
It's the one percent, who cant, for some reason, STAND to give ten or twenty percent of their income away as taxes... to them, the government is just a leech. If so, who, exactly, dictates law? provides for repairs, refines laws, and tries to improve *everyone's* lives...? Is it the one percent? they could practically *Buy* governments, certainly, provide for many, but WAIT... Provide for... *OTHERS???* They can't fathom that! especially because governing would require a larger chunk of their income than merely tossing out a tax...
In a way, I'm glad they're wasting money on going to space just to expand their freaking reputation... to show off, like the baboons who found the fruit in the tree...
BUT... They're still spending money... those rockets and space equipment have to be built by someone. I wouldn't be surprised, however, if they handled more crooked deals undercover to pay for as little as possible.
But money was given, so that others could earn.

I thought my faith in humanity couldn't get any lower than when a certain orange president was elected...
I knew that his bluster, his ego, and his greed, would pull weirdos out of the woodworks who felt their great leader, someone just like them, had finally arrived. Things went downhill from there.

And now, he's gone. There is extreme evidence that he could have been doing crooked things. But because of money. LOTS of it. he's essentially untouchable.

Same thing with other such "1%ers" These freak outliers can manipulate the world easier than ever with electronic money transferral.
Why? to keep their stacks high as possible. literal wealth addicts. they can live their dreams as far as mankind can take them. fine. everyone should have that chance. EVERYONE. and that's the problem.

Nobody can stop them. not the president, not any world leader, really.

I hate that people commit crimes out of desperation, because they suffer so much, have so little, they *Have* to snatch it from others.
But...
Crimes, to get more and more of what you already have...? why? for fun??? because... you just gotta, like some OCD tic?
WHY? I DON'T. UNDERSTAND.
and the odds that all that money was earned by legitimate means? pretty unlikely, simply statistically speaking.

Fact of the matter is, as wealth becomes more and more tilted... More people are forced into doing "Desperation" crimes. I've been seeing hard times getting jobs, especially good ones, for YEARS.

And you know what? I'll saw off my god-damn nipples, if they actually LISTEN. if they actually DEVELOP. A CONSCIENCE.
They are practically in a different world from everyone else. Some of them are "Old Money"... little golden turds that often don't share the same intelligence, drive, determination, or WHATEVER, that was SO useful for humanity, that it made them their fortune.

To them... this world is simply THEIRS. and they'll be DAMNED if they'll share. 20% of musks money could fix a LOT of things...
How about restructuring factories and other buildings, so climate change stops kicking our collective asses?
Just...

A message, directly for these individuals... Pfft, like they'd listen...


You wanna be the BEST at life? fucking HEROES? just pay your GOD. DAMN. TAXES. BALANCE the economy. nature doesn't like being constantly skewed... human society is much the same way. hell, human society is in part BECAUSE of nature. Once again. Resources. Knowing how to use them. Trading them. trading goods. and so on from there.

These 1%ers. they're SO on top of things, that FUCK dreaming of space, they could revitalize THIS PLANET, Right Here!
They could LITERALLY be fucking HEROES. Restructure the economy for the better.

But they DON'T.

......why? why does nature favor predators so much?


... I might be pegged as one of those people who would want a share of the wealth; That this is some fucking hopeless, pathetic *ploy* to get things I want.
Sure I want things. I want to be healthy. I want friends. I want enough entertainment to not be bored out of my mind.

I'll let yall in on a little secret. Recently, I got *Really* cheap rent. like... $100 a month.
Do you have any idea how *Happy* that makes me? That means, that after almost 20 years of struggling... (I'm 36...) I can do something I
wanted my entire adult life.

I...
Can...
SAVE.
MONEY.

Yeah. 36 years old, and through most of it, I've been donating it all to my room mates to pay for *everyones* food and rent! From as little as two roomies, to as much as five.

I mean. I kind of hope medical euthanasia is permitted in the U.S. ...
I... don't know if I'll have the money to survive past 60 or so.
Why? Crohn's disease. Crohns disease cost me my jobs, time and again, because the managers didn't like seeing their employees kneeling in blinding pain for a minute or so, before getting back up, doing 15 minutes to an hour of work, and then kneeling again.
Of course, to MAKE MONEY, Or freaking spend less of it, they claimed that I "wasn't working fast enough", or that "I wasn't working enough hours...
I went in every time I was called by the way. my shifts weren't skipped...
... my first big personal time learning that higher ups would rather see me suffer. LITERALLY, then pay unemployment due to disability. My walmart store manager upped and left, crying. But I still got fired. My fault. of course.

one roomie of mine, who shall remain nameless for protection, had gotten a six-figure Job at Epic Systems, a corporation that produces medical-based software. She was working to make a cell phone version of the systems doctors use when examining someone.
She was doing great. We thought our torment was over. there was some actual justice in the world...

Then two months later, she got sick. fainting spells, breathing problems, etc.
Now. Epic happens to have an insurance program for their important employees. with it, if you get sick, to the point you are disabled, you can still get half your paycheck *Indefinitely*, until the problem was solved, or death occurred.

The insurance company balked. they refused to pay. we insisted. we showed them the contract. They started claiming she was "faking it"...
...
we protested. they "gave in" and brought in a doctor... one of THEIR doctors... who examined her and said she was fine.

We knew better. we finally went to the Mayo Clinic, One of the most prestigious medical facilities on the PLANET.
They caught the disease: A.A.G. : Autonomous. Autonomic. Ganglionopathy.
A disease that is LITERALLY around one in a million people, by their records. It's like crohns disease, but instead of the digestive system, one's berserk auto-immune system Targets any and all nerves responsible for autonomic function... Heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, digestion, and more.


We returned to our town. A legal battle ensued.
They gave up.

HOWEVER...
They... "appended" their contract. She would receive her payment each month. as long as she was examined, by their doctors, once a month.
...
My room mate Broke... and took option B instead. I've forgotten the amount by now... about 30K to 50K? in order to drop this lawsuit.
Part of the plan was that she had to keep quiet about this incident, too. well how is this for a loophole. she can't say anything. I CAN.
It was "Advantage Insurance" by the way.

...why did she take it? She claimed she was in too much pain to visit the doctor all the time....
I was... crestfallen. moreso when we had to spend MOST of it in order to pay off old debts during times of unemployment.

So. Worthless, we now are. They're all rather permanently depressed... apartment filthy... I couldn't stand it. I *had* to move. especially once tempers started flaring...

Do I want money? Sure. But I'm happy with about $800 a month. Yes, I'm disabled. lifelong. and Yes, I only get about nine hundred dollars a month. The Social Security Income for crippled people is *woefully* old and out of date. For fucks sake, we can ONLY have 2000 dollars saved up and in our name at ANY time. NO chance for savings. NO chance for investment. the moment they catch me with more than 2K to my name, they take away my medical insurance... ....State and U.S. Medical insurance.
Remember all the news, and insults, and memes, and jokes, about how terrible the United States Healthcare system is? YEAH.
one of my needed infusions, the last time I checked, was enough to give a trans female (yes, I am one. Deal.) ALL the BEST gender reassignment surgery... about $20,000 dollars. ONE. DOSE. THAT'S the price if I'm uninsured. my LIFE depends on me being POOR.

So. For any fucking woes that these one percenters have... I'm pretty fucking sure, mine are worse. and as time passes, and greed continues, more and more people are going to have similar stories.

I really, really, REALLY don't expect the bill to modernize social security income. Whhhyy? Because rich people use their money to FUCK WITH THE GOVERNMENT. I'm fairly positive the republicans, the party where these... people... ally themselves... are going to be able to block it, DESPITE the fact we're currently in a democratic set of years.

Yeah.
So.
When will they simply install suicide booths on the sidewalks, so the little people who don't count can throw themselves in the garbage?
I'm serious. I want to save at least enough to "pay" to have a peaceful fucking death, and not a gunshot to the head.
I would have to do what's called a "Suicide Tour", which is to go abroad to a country that legalizes it. and THEN I have to have my life story written down for them to evaluate if I'm allowed to have the right to die.

And I haven't even told yall about my childhood up to young adult years. I'm not going to, here. plenty of tales to tell. this... rant... has taken up enough space already. I can practically feel people abandoning the entry with every sentence I write by now.
Nobody wants to listen to this shit, right?

Then WHY the FUCK is it so popular on the news???
Right.
I'm not a "trusted source".


So~! lets wrap back around, and remind yall what the point of this rant was.

Despite everything that has happend to me. those I care about, and simply decent "poor" people everywhere...
Despite the predation. the greed. the manipulation. the hopelessness...

I'm trying. DESPERATELY... to... believe that humanity... isn't inherently evil.
I think what it is, is that good people and bad people are fairly matched in population...? Maybe even more good people than bad.

But the bad people are winning. more. and. more. Mostly because while good people try to be fair...try to share their wealth...
Bad people keep aaaaaalll their money to themselves. And since money is basically power, most good people, simply don't have the leverage that bad people do... poor bernie sanders... so much hope rode on that mans weary shoulders...

I'm... trying to see the good in everyone. I really am. I've been told I'm to nice for this world, more than once...
But... bad things happen. they keep happening, evil is rewarded, while good gets a consolatory pat on the back... Aw... don't be saaaad. D:<


... I have no power. I'm a plain looking transgendered woman, disabled, who... plays videogames, and draws... freaking furry smut. smut about transformation.
Why?
Escapism.

Videogames offer colorful worlds, where good can actually win, and life is challenging~! But FAIR. It doesn't really matter what the thematics are...
The basic fact that of that sentence above... Colorful worlds, where good can actually win, and life is challenging but fair...
That sentence... those qualities... are something that a LOT of the unfortunate and downtrodden long for. why do people think that videogames are so "Addictive"? Why is Isekai, an anime style where people basically die in this world, then wake up in a world *like a videogame* is such an Oversaturated genre...? There's too many beaten and downtrodden people ... and those who have the means to start helping... hoard. and what do they think they'll find in space precisely? Is there going to be a Planet Musk, where all the rich people can live, and abandon all those filthy people that want their precious money? I really. REALLY don't understand.


And yet. I keep hoping. I keep trying.
partly, for the good people who would cry when I'm gone. and partly because this world's rules... my own cowardice, mean that I can't simply take my life with my own hands.


Something is wrong with *me*, clearly. the rules in this world... this universe... simply don't care if you're kind or not. and I simply can't find it in me to... do underhanded things... for money, or for some form of justice.

I...
....Don't belong here....

How to describe myself...

I'm... a kind, empathic individual who has a tendency to worry *Far* too much... Those who take the time to get to know me generally like me as a person...
I'm a gamer, and and artist, and... pretty good at both, but not superior at either. Frankly, it's infuriating when you're only "okay" at the things you've practiced your whole life!

I adore beauty, grace, adventure, vibrancy, elegance... basically anything that makes your heart skip a beat, and your breath catch in a gasp~!

I'm transgender female, and while its been turbulent on my body and mind at times, I am happy to say that I have received next to no harassment about it...! It's uncanny, really... I still can't believe it...
I like to think that it means that I have made the right decision, and indeed, I feel much more comfortable acting how I want to act nowadays, which has definately been girlish, and get plenty of warm smiles at my presence, so... I must be doing something right!

I'm... Average. Average talent, average looks... High intelligence, but memory issues mean it balances out to average academic performance...
I'm definitely out of shape! not obese in the least, but I do get winded easily... I suspect it's a combination of my crohns disease, and my gender transition, which have taken some of the wind out of my sails... And boy is it hard to work out when you have no real endurance!
I'm disabled... As I mentioned up above, crohns disease... I worry at times if my lethargy is just laziness, since I've never lived another life (that I can remember), and so have no true standards on which to say how much is malnutrition from my condition, and how much is just laziness.

I'm compassionate. Sometimes, too much so. I... have a bad habit of feeling guilty when I see someone suffering, and I have no solution on how to help them. I have a tendency to use the wisdom I've accrued to help others to see the brighter side of things, and to look for solutions where they may not have thought to.
I'm Loved... I live with a group of misfits like me, and we all take care of each other in a way that any family could be proud or envious of. We don't have a lot, but we... make sure to look after one another. I try to extend that support to others who need it.
I'm not self confident... A lifetime of abuses and failures has led me to have a hard time seeing my strengths, as well as believing that the most positive outcome is also the most likely. I acknowledge that I might be biased, however, and try to recognize my strengths when I can, and look for the bright side of things.

I'm forgetful. It's... ruined some opportunities for me, and like my crohns, I'm not sure if it is truly a symptom of illness, or my own inability to rise above mental challenges everyone has. It's often seen as an enduring trait, regardless.

I'm passionate...! I love powerfully, hate powerfully, and pursue my interests with a surprising amount of vivacity, for as long as my energy levels hold out...! This has given people the idea that I'm a pretty energetic, soulful person, despite my shortcomings.

I'm a deep thinker... Sometimes, too deep, and I start pondering dark things that don't have any real solutions, such as life after death. However, my reasoning skills have allowed me to solve many problems people have had in the past.
I'm funny! Typically you will learn this side of me if you have been around a while, and I feel comfortable around you. memes, impersonations, witty banter, I do it all! I'm by no means a comedian, but I seem to make people laugh pretty often when I try. ~u ~

I'm a dandere >. > I believe the official term, is a girl who is often so quiet as to seem aloof, but if you get to know them, you learn it's shyness, and that they are actually vivacious when around people they trust.

I'm no weeb... >u < Despite the above description, I've only seen a handful of anime, and while I find japanese culture to be a beautiful and elegant, if sometimes intense and unforgiving, culture, I don't worship it any more than any other culture, and don't think I would fit in at all if I suddenly fell through a portal and wound up in Japan!

I'm... Not sure what else to add for right now...! But I will be sure to add more as it comes to mind! O u O

Hey folks. Just a quick heads up to let you know what I'm up to currently.

First and foremost, for those who favorited my "streamlined serendipity" picture... The lugia one I made most recently?
It's been updated. The legs were tweaking my "something is off" instincts hardcore, and after a lot of messing around, I think I got something that looks far better. It doesn't strike me as "off" at least...
I didn't want to repost what was *almost* the exact same picture, because I didn't wanna seem like I was just fishing for faves and such, but I also figured yall deserved to know the picture has been changed... hopefully for the best.


Aside from that, I've started gathering tutorials here and there to play with coloring...
In particular, I'm trying to get that super shiny, glistening, "oiled latex" look mastered. Lunarkeys seems to really enjoy shiny stuff, and he's not the only one, so I figure it's worth learning.

If you guys happen to have any good tutorials you would like to share with me, feel free to leave them here in the journal comments. They don't have to be in regards to shiny coloring, or even coloring at all, though that's my current priority; ANY tutorials that have a chance to improve my work quality would be appreciated.

That's it for now! Just gotta compile those form pictures together, then I will be able to open commissions...

I Will say, though, that I've already gotten two people waiting in line for them, despite my not being open yet. @_ @
Ah well... It's only a minor head start, and I will still be accepting several slots once I'm open. Uu U

Hey guys... It's been quite some time since I thought to post a Journal, huh...?

So, lets see if I can get my thoughts together on everything important that is going on with me right now...

First and foremost, I think I'm going to start tinkering with my gallery page... Update my preferences, see what's new, and generally just peck at it where I can think to make changes. The stats I have up there are *ancient*... almost a decade, I believe!

Next...
I am going to be trying to do commissions again soon, though now that I've been disabled for a while, and am aware of my limitations, I am going to have some very specific rules and guidelines, to makes things easier for both myself and others.

The two big things, are slots, and pricing.
Because I am disabled, and I don't want people waiting too long for my work as I try to get things done, I am only going to be doing a maximum of FIVE slots at a time, at least at first. Much like a video game, if I find that I can handle five with no difficulty, I will slowly increase the number of slots I will take at a time. This is not just to protect myself, but also my clients. By making sure I'm not overwhelmed, I will not have burn out issues, and should be able to get them all done in a relatively fast period of time.

Price... is always a tricky one. After years of taking advice, freaking out, and going to therapy, it's pretty clear that the market is pretty saturated for Furry artists, and that TF artists are pretty niche.
Regardless of that fact, I intend to price my work in a manner that allows me to receive no less than minimum wage for my work. Which means, these busts I've been making, take about 2 to 4 hours to ink, and another 2 to 4 to color. The variation is due to character complexity, both in regards to the line-work, and coloring. And if you don't have any prior references of the thing you want drawn, it's definitely going to take longer, as I draw trial-and-error to try to get the character design sussed out.

This means that, at the Wisconsin state minimum wage of 7 dollars an hour, I would be receiving anywhere from about 30 to 60 dollars for one of those busts.
Full body pictures would take about twice as long. Also, I'm going to be avoiding doing backgrounds for now, as they are not my main forte...

For those balking at pricing or restrictions, know that I've been struggling to learn and master my art for most of my 35 years alive, and while I may not be blessed enough to be one of the best artists out there, I would like to think that my work is at least equal to that of a beginning wage burger flipper at McDonald's.

Prices will be subject to change over time, as well as slot numbers, as I learn what I am most capable of doing... If I do well, I will take on more slots. If I'm getting swamped with requests, but don't feel I can increase my slots, my price will increase in what I hope will be considered a fair amount; This will likely mean I get fewer requests for my work, which will balance supply and demand out a bit, so I can keep at a good work pace, and still get all my current slots done in a satisfying manner.

For those who think I'm sounding too much like a salesman... Well, there's some truth to that. I've learned that... it's not good enough nowadays to just draw well... you have to have business acumen... You have to know about your competition, supply and demand, advertise your work, offer incentives, etc. etc. etc.
...And I'm simply not a savvy businessperson.
As such, I hope you can understand if my pricing seems a little weird compared to "What everybody else is doing"...
I don't have the energy or experience with Patreon to set one up, and have no friends with that kind of aptitude either.
And besides... I'm not really "Everybody else". I'm a disabled individual with flagging health and medicine issues, and need to take it a bit easier than a typical artist, while still being treated fairly on the price ranges. I hope you all can understand.



Okay. So, I suppose the next thing to segue into, would be my health. It's been... iffy.
I forget if I mentioned that I have a colostomy bag now... Well, my pain is doing somewhat better, but I have a wealth of other issues cropping up. brain chemical imbalances have made me more depressed or anxious than most folks might be, and while I am taking medicine for those, they don't always work.
Next off, chemical dependency. I have been having difficulty shaking my narcotic dependency, which has haunted me ever since I stopped taking tramadol, shortly after getting the colostomy. I was on the opioid as my only choice for enduring my condition, for about a decade, and my primary care doctor is pretty sure my brain chemistry has been altered to depend on it.
On the plus side, the man, Dr. Carimi, was very compassionate, telling me there's a difference between an addict and a dependent. an addict will lie, cheat, and steal to get the drug, and it's all for the high... A dependent tries everything they can along legitimate channels, and just want the drug to feel normal, rather than ridden with ennui.

My issues with both my physical and mental health are why I am taking so few slots... I have to pace myself through completion, during days where I'm stricken with either pain, worry, or lethargy. I don't want people waiting too long for me to complete their work, so by having fewer slots, I will be able to see that each assignment is completed in relatively short order, despite my periodic struggles.

Also, lately, I've been having some mysterious mental attacks...
The first are mysterious panic attacks that come from nowhere, where my typical anxiety levels are ramped up to 11, and I'm hyperventilating and paralyzed with indecision...
I am taking small doses of anti panic attack medicine when they occur, and do help... but I do worry about my increasing need for mental drugs to maintain stability.

The other issue involves some sort of... tactile phenomenon...
It's hard to explain... I'm not sure if it is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or some sort of Hyper-tactile neurosis... But lately, when engaging certain actions, such as playing video games, or walking with certain shoes on, I will feel an aggrivating sensation that forces me to do a given action over and over again in a fidgeting manner in order to relieve the sensation.
The videogame issue comes when using the triggers on certain controllers... after using them, my fingertips will feel "Off"... and I will try mashing my finger into the trigger in various ways to try to massage away the issue... I can sometimes get it to stop that way, but the problem usually comes back seconds later.
The walking issue comes when I'm using certain heeled shoes... my heel seems to slip loosely on my left foot, no matter how snugly I fasten the shoe. this causes me to have to press my foot into the shoe after every few steps to settle the sensation.


Frankly, between the hypertactile issue, the panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and dependency all hammering at my mind, I'm having trouble being optimistic with my long-term mental health. If I have to deal with more and more mental malfunctions as I get older... well, I'm already feeling overwhelmed... I doubt I can handle many more...

Oh! And memory loss! I've been extremely distracted and forgetful lately... I don't... remember most of my childhood now... It's... frankly rather frightening.



... I don't want to tell y'all all this. The good folks among you will start to worry about me, while the bad ones will scoff, and abandon me, for fear my weaknesses will impact their goals. An example, is some folks probably won't want to hire someone who is struggling so much, for fear I will not be reliable on completion of their work.

To be fair, this is why my work will be pay after completion only, so no one feels like I stole their money and then didn't deliver, should the worst happen.

I...
I mostly want to mention all this, because... well, I've gone radio silent for quite some time...
I wanted to have fun, exciting news for you all... new adventures, new ideas, etc. just like so many others online seem to chronicle...
But the truth of the matter is, I've been struggling, and... didn't want to bum anyone out.
It's come down to the point, however, where I feel I need to be up front and honest with why I have been absent.

These commissions are... basically my last attempt to feel like I have any tangible talent to offer the world... in order to make my own income, and not just leech social security...
So I hope you can understand how I feel, once I officially open my commissions up, within a month at the latest, should things get no worse.
I may not be the most confident individual, but I *am* among the most honest. I hope you will consider that, when you decide whether or not to choose me to draw your ideas and characters in the future.

Hey all.

It's been quite some time since I posted here in FA, hasn't it?

That's because I have been going through a very... VERY important process... one that left me too distracted and stressed to worry about regularly posting work.


So... What is this dramatic change that has ripped through my life like a storm?



It's my Gender. > u <

Indeed, I have been undergoing gender transition, from male to female, and have been dedicating my time to making sure that is done right, before worrying about my little artwork Hobby.

The fact of the matter is, My fursona and transformational preferences finally tipped me off after god knows how long...

Graceful, streamlined creatures... elegant, laid back, playful... feminine...

I began to realise that almost all the qualities I desire in an anthropomorphic form are, in fact, feminine qualities that I myself longed to have.
I had no opportunities in the past to even THINK about changing my gender, the places and scenareos I have been in necessitating survival over idealism and quality of life.


Well, when we Moved here to Madison, Wisconsin, we discovered we were in an area filled with transgender specialists...
My roommate had known for quite some time that she was female-oriented, and picked up on it all right away...


It wasn't until I was watching her put on her hormones, that I felt pangs of jealousy...

Holy Shit.

Jea...
Why would I be Jealous...??



Oh.......



And so I began to pursue it in tandem myself.


Well... It's been about a year in the transition process, and... I couldn't be happier with the results, all things considered.
I have always had some feminine physical qualities... Slender hands, no adams apple, feminine voice, and very little body hair...

Heck, they might have been physical clues at my true gender orientation, for all I know...


These already-feminine qualities, mixed with the shape-shifting that HRT allows (Hormone Replacement Treatment), as ensured that I...
Actually blended in as female, almost instantaneously...!


While in the hospital, due to a crohns disease flareup, I had several individuals that were confused, angry, or bemused by the fact that some random Woman was laying in the hospital bed Assigned to David Moore...

When corrected, they all seemed... actually quite shocked, followed by curious, and soon, cheerful, as my happier, more confident disposition earned me their trust...
I believe I have made a positive impact, thus far.

And that's all I could hope for...
I Don't want to be unique...
Gods, to blend into the female population until I am boring would be a dream come true... >u <


I feel calmer, happier... more fulfilled now.
It's one of the best decisions in my life... And frankly, one of my greatest regrets, Is that I couldn't pursue this course sooner, which would have allowed me to be younger, and thus transition more smoothly on a physical level.



By the way, Seacigar still works just fine as an artist Call-handle, but for those curious, my new Name is Elizabeth Moore...
My friends have called me Birdie for so long, due to my animal preferences, that when I found out "Birdie" was a nickname for Elizabeth, I had to adopt it.

That, and it's a pretty, yet unassuming name. I don't want to be fabulous... But being pretty would be nice...<3

Heh... this is basically a blank page, while I am scrambling around, figuring out to overhaul a lot of things, this gallery included. X3
Just wanted yall to know I am not dead or anything... in fact, I am doing better than I have in a *long* time... as in, self affirmed, optimistic, healthy, etc.
Now to figure out what I am going to do with all this positive energy... *wanders off*

Basically, this is a placeholder Journal until I can find something more positive and/or current than my earlier crisis of faith.

I am feeling better, and even motivated!

Thanks to everyone who has been patient with me over the years, and thanks to those who found they enjoy my artwork.

Be well, everyone...

Desperation. Fear. Self Hatred. Jealousy. Submission. Acceptance. Hope...Nope... waiting... working... bending... breaking?

I had my psyche opened up and subsequently **crushed** recently, because I was reminded of why I got into the transformation "Fetish" in the first place...
Escapism and Jealousy of the lives of others.
My first forays into "transformation" were when I pretended to get turned into an animal with my cousin, typically a dog or cat, and rampaged around meowing, barking, and just general children's nonsense. That was back before my childhood got difficult...

I could make a small novel about the negative experiences I had as a child... but lets boil it down to basic buzz phrases, so as to not overwhelm the reader with too many details... parental abuse was the most common issue... and the most common experience... when I was living with my father. My mother abandoned me a month after my birth, so she's a moot point. My grandparents eventually adopted me when they saw what was happening, but my father, for some reason, saw me as a badge of honor, and would keep fighting for custody... I kept switching back and forth between them and him all the way through childhood, all the way until age 18... and at age 20, I was forced to live with him again, because my grandparents had decided to leave the state, and I had no means to survive on my own yet. He went to jail one last time, because he kicked me in the testicles whenever I wouldn't help him load all my personal belongings onto a truck to sell for "emergency funds", which I found out later was for meth money.
He died in prison, being beat to death by the guards. I celebrated. I still do.

Abuse at home kept me from focusing all my energy on my school work... for most kids, testing and studying should be the biggest worry in their lives, right? I couldn't put my soul into it.
And then there were the hateful peers... I don't know... maybe it was my fault... maybe it was my voice, my looks, or my actions that made me stand out, but I got tortured as much by my peers as I did by my father... I had one reliable friend throughout my childhood... he died when I was 19.

all this played hell on me... and I sought an escape. I had two primary sources... videogames, and dreams.
videogames... play as some pre-ordained "worthy hero", and fight through odds that are challenging, but fair, in order to make the world a better place, and secure a happy life, having some fun while you were at it...
...Yeah, I wonder why I got addicted to those.
Dreams... Whenever I went to bed after a day of hell, I would think up elaborate scenareos about escaping my current fate... some creature, some being, would find me, either during the day, or as I was laying there, sobbing, and pull me out of that hell. As I grew up, surrounded by media, these beings made more definite shapes... unicorns, flammies, princesses...
Then, sleep would come, and more often than not, I would dream about these better places...
It never lasted. I always woke up.

I was raised around animals, both wild and pets... they seemed to be happy and stoic about life, and generally didn't seem to have hellish existences... between their fascinating abilities and forms, and more simple, peaceful lives, and perhaps the play with my cousin at a young age... I would dream about becoming certain creatures that espoused what I wanted most... peace, serenity, beauty...
Why beauty? because things that are beautiful seemed to be treated well by humans by default, whereas I seemed to get harassed a lot for my looks or actions. I tried so hard to fit in... maybe trying to hard was making me more awkward... making it worse...

Anyway... time went on, hormones kicked in... and one thing I learned about "fetishes", is that they often have a base in ones past experiences and interests. I learned about werewolves... I was strangely jealous... especially of the ones who could shapeshift at will, giving them an edge of strength, beauty, etc. when being human simply wasn't enough. I would pleasure myself physically while imagining being infected and transforming... a pleasurable introduction into a better existence... some factors like AWIL (American Werewolf in London) reinforced the "transformation is pleasurable" concept... did you know that the rictus grin of someone in intense pain is almost identical to someone in intense pleasure? now take someone writhing, panting, ripping off their clothes, and rolling on the ground as they become a beast... I got inadvertently hooked.

So, that's the "fetish" part of my fantasies, but my sexuality was only a facet of my desires, and the rest of my personality and experiences... it was not the main thing at all. I still just wanted a less hellish existence.

Adulthood. I spent so much time hiding in my imagination, and in videogames, that it ruined my preparation into adulthood... my grades slipped and fell, I never got many social contacts, and had no real physical skills... I was intelligent, but grades reflect a student's ability to focus and work as much as they do their actual learning ability.
So I got into a crappy college, which I found out later was a talent farm... a non-accredited hoax to sap college funds from actual learning places. Without any definite skills, all I had to look forward to was retail, which was fine... at first. I looked forward to doing hard work to prove my worth, now that I had escaped the evils of my father, and the callousness of children.

Then my Crohns disease kicked in.
I had symptoms since I was young, but I guess all the stress kicked it into high gear... I lost weight fast, I got weaker... I was tired all the time... I had near-fainting spells regularly on the job... I got fired for "inadequate job performance. I later learned it was because this way, companies didn't have to pay unemployment, and couldn't be sued for unlawful conduct.
I eventually got disability... I am on it to this day.

More hell, more feelings of worthlessness... more escapism... more videogames, more dreams, more unknowing transformation worship...

So... as a young adult, I never progressed anywhere... I was too afraid to go out and socialize, often because I couldn't succeed at it as a child... I never dated, never developed professional contacts, never got promoted... most of my time was just spent looking for ways to pay the bills, and have enough left over for escapism...

This might be a good time to mention that I had been drawing transformation art since I was about 12, up to this day... it was horrible to look at for an average individual, of course... but looking at it for me brought my dreams a little closer to reality... maybe... if I could bring it close enough... if I could convince the right people it's a good thing...

I started getting recognition for my artwork. I guess it's true that if you do something long enough, you start to get good at it. I am pretty good at videogames, too. Right now, those are my... talents, as it were. So... I worked, slowly and steadily, with the dream of becoming a game designer/graphics artist. still am.

Now I am a full adult at 32... and because I spent so much time in escapism, I hadn't honed my talents as much as people who had that be the most dramatic things in their lives. I failed my college game design course last year, after spending years to get enough money and qualifications to get to an actual college, and get the required prerequisites.
I failed because of two things.
One, my crohns made it more difficult to study and work... I had been experiencing increased fatigue, and couldn't pull as many all nighters.
on top of that, the psych meds I was on at this point started eroding my short term to long term memory skills, making me slow to retain information, which caused me to fail memory-based tests, as well as slowing my work progress, because I had to keep re-examining my notes and tutorials.

I also noticed that most of the "kids" in the class were half a generation younger than me... probably because they hadn't fucked up as much as me, and could start at an earlier age. This gap in age made it awkward when I tried to connect with them... share their interests, learn their techniques, and generally befriend them, as well as try to work with them as colleagues. Eventually, it was just like school as a child... sitting alone, drawing, playing nintendo ds, and just trying not to think too hard.

It all caught up to me... I failed.

I am breaking.

one year has past since then. I spend most of my time at home, playing videogames. It's getting more and more difficult to draw, especially transformation art, because the more I do it, the more I realize A.: those dreams won't come true. and B.: I started all this to escape, and trying to escape only made my life worse.
I am in a downward spiral, with no obvious way out.

I have given myself 4 more years to find happiness and meaning in my life... to feel that all that struggling and suffering was worth it. No matter what happens, no matter how hellish my life becomes... 4 years...
If I don't find it, I am ending my life. plain and simple.


And then... I read a transformation story. It broke me further.

I typically don't read tf stories anymore, unless they are mindless smut, because anything with feeling just pulls too hard on me.
But! This was a friend's story, and they wanted my opinion on it.


It entails a man, who went through hell most of his young life. abuse. destitution. scorn.
He joined the army to try and find meaning. He is back from it, and stumbling around, looking for *something* that he can't quite put his finger on... some form of self-expression. He decides to get a piece of artwork... a tattoo.
The tattooist he finds is strange, but the man, disillusioned, couldn't quite make himself care enough to leave, in case he was a psycho... besides, he had dealt with violent types before, so this wasn't a worry.

He provides him with not a tattoo, but a tatau. A mystical piece of body art that is supposed to reflect one's inner self. As it is placed on him, the man blacks out.
He finds eyes in the darkness, disturbingly like his. He approaches. he finds his "true" self, which reacts in many ways just as he does... he's scared... but... he knows this is him somehow.
the thing with matching eyes was a dragon.

The man awakes, the tatau finished. disoriented, he panics as his senses become heightened, more and more energy and power building in him... the tatau man gives him an address, a "place of safety"...

He goes, becoming more agitated and more heightened by the minute. he finally gets into the aformentioned building... he's scared, but...
He embraces his true self.
He finds his true meaning... it's a thing of beauty and power.
He becomes a dragon.




...





So why did this shatter me?... two men, both with hellish young lives. two men, seeking self expression, not sure what to do next...

One man finds his true self... And it's amazing... its worth every single bit of suffering, even though it means more suffering will occur in the future... because no matter what happens, he knows his true calling, and it is a wonderful, noble thing.


The other man hasn't found any such true self, though he continues to search for it, desperately. he knows his suffering will continue... that's life... he just... wants... to be able to accept his fate. failure after failure make him think he is more and more worthless...
And there's no dragon. no confirmation whatsoever that he is anything but unlucky trailer trash. no wonderful thing to make up for all the suffering.





...





So. what does this ultimately mean? It means that, despite looking like a whiny, weak little bitch, I am leaving this journal here to let people know what my major malfunction is. If I can't draw your commission in time... if I haven't gotten to your request... if I haven't been talking much, on telegram or otherwise... it's because I am broken, and trying desperately to just. accept. my fate.


my fate as an unlucky human being.

... I just wanted to be special... to find out the suffering was worth it.


If I can do so... if I can accept myself for what I am, a mere, weak-willed human being... I might be able to enjoy such an existence... which means I will put my heart and soul back into things... which might allow me to work past my weaknesses... which might make me do great things... which might make me something that is worth all the suffering.


... I am giving myself four more years to find out what it is.

Hey all... this is a notification to apologize for my slow submission and completion of artwork and stories... Fact of the matter is, I have been feeling less motivated to draw... the high I felt at Anthrocon was apparently just a phase, and now I am back to struggling with motivation to do my artwork... I can theorize a couple reasons why.

First off, my artwork is often self expression of certain desires... As I get older, and realize those desires aren't going to be fulfilled, or at the very least, are very, very unlikely to be fulfilled, and less likely with every passing year... Trying to continue to dream and hope for them, and express that hope via artwork, is becoming painful. It's becoming such that, the only two reasons I draw, are to impress others, and to try to feel some form of self worth, either by sharing my "talent" with others, or by making some money off of it... And those are no good reasons to draw... I can't just "draw for fun" like many "professional" artists do... blame my upbringing, or whatever, I don't know.

Second off, I feel like my talents are sub-par... Regardless of years of practice. Despite practice, busting my ass at drawing, I failed my graphical game design course in college, effectively barring me from any official jobs in a professional game company. While I was there, I noticed that most of the artists were a half-generation younger than me, and a good quarter of the class was more talented and prolific that I am... And this kind of work, as my Instructor put it, is a highly competitive field... If you aren't one of the best, you aren't going to get anywhere fast.

So, art is proving to be painful for me lately... I know I have promised a lot of people artwork... this was done in an attempt to push myself to draw via obligation, but I am apparently too lazy, or too worn out, to even care about looking like a fool for not completing promised art. I am not sociopathic enough to just think "sucks to be them"... I honestly feel terrible for making promises I am not keeping, and each uncompleted project fills me with just a little more despair...


I doubt that I will stop drawing completely... Rarely, VERY rarely, I feel the natural urge to draw again, for no other reason than that I think of something that would be fun to draw... but I still feel bad for drawing that, rather than promised work... Still, some drawing is better than none.
But all in all, I would say that I simply don't have what it takes to be a true professional in regards to artwork... it's nothing but a casual, time wasting hobby for me, nothing more.

So I summarize, by once again apologizing for my incompetence and lack of self-discipline. I will continue to struggle until all accounts are settled, but I don't know when that will be.

Hey all, just a quick journal to list all the requests and commissions I have to get done, that were set up from recently, to just before Anthrocon.

The journal serves two purposes: one, to give me a checklist so I don't forget anything...
And two, let those who are waiting on stuff from me know what I am up to.

So lets see...

Commissions include
a cute Chibi Skunk Girl lifting weights...
A Man and Woman making love, and while doing so, merging and transforming into a hermaphrodite, 5-headed hydra...
A "Corruption" Tf of a woman becoming an anthropomorphic variation of one of the demons from the new "Doom" videogame...
A Tf of a mad doctor, currently an anthro rat, going absolutely manic as he turns into an undead crow...

Requests and personal projects include...

A tf story involving merging with a preserved dino-skeleton in a museum, ending with an anthro of said dino... Male, but mysteriously laying eggs post tf...

A sexy, six-breasted Beagle girl, lounging in bed, in a nightgown... *NOTE* I am modifying this request in order to help someone else who lacks confidence in their artwork... they said *I* was talented in comparison... so in order to try and help, I will be adding additional layers to the project, showing my drawing processes, etc. Until I have a "How to draw" (Or at least, "How I Draw") sort of tutorial for them.

An Origin story for my shapeshifting "Fursona"... inspired by LunarKeys... one of the more brilliant tf authors I have run across.
A Side-By-Side comparison picture, that shows the difference between an anthro vaporeon, and LunarKey's species, called the Luminari.
A transformation of someone into a were-charizard, due to getting spooged on by that were-lugia I just drew recently...
A subsequent transformation of someone into a were-flygon, as both the were-charizard and were-lugia grab him and pull him into some transformy, love-making fun...
A Tf of an Amazonian woman who put on a cursed sword and shield, and is fighting for control as she transforms into a Lizard-woman, with the reptilian mindset trying to take over...
A man transforming into a female sergal...
A story or journal that goes into the details of how I self-hypnotize myself into feeling the sensation of transforming into a flammie, with descriptive text on how the sensations feel...
A TGTF of me turning into a particularly hot Fennec femme (What? It's *actually* a request!... I totally wouldn't... um... do something like that... um...otherwise... yeah. >///> : Name, Princess Coco... for, Princess Coco (The coco clones will rule the WOOORLD)

And lastly, because it will be a major endeavor... I will be practicing photomanipulation, starting with my hand become a were-orca flipper-paw... (start simple, after all...)



That's It for now, and indeed, is enough to keep me occupied for a good, *long* while.

If I forgot any requests from folks that I agreed to, please let me know, and I will add that to the list. I am not going to be accepting new requests and commissions, however, until I get most-to-all of these items complete... I do *not* wanna burn out.

Alright! After spending some time relaxing, chatting with a handful of folks, I am ready to spew stream of conciousness out, regarding what I did at anthrocon! Frankly, I am writing this journal more so I don't forget what I did, rather than because I need to share with eeEEveryone... but if folks find what I put down interesting, then that's all the more awesome:D
I will put each major event in a paragraph below.


#1: Panels Are Overrated

Well, that is a little bit of an exaggeration for the sake of a catchy title. A more accurate title would be "I Thought the Panels I Went to Were Overrated".
I managed to get to exactly two panels over at Anthrocon: The "Avian Meet and Greet" and the "TF Meet and Greet". There was too much chaos, and interesting things happening in other areas, for me to get to any others.
The Avian Meet and Greet was... rather Clique-ish. Groups seemed to be separated into Fursuiters and Non-Fursuiters... with sub-groups based on people who already knew each other. Maybe it was just bad luck on my part, but people were engauged enough in their own respective groups, that I didn't feel right butting in: If I had thought of any particularly potent topic regarding avians, I could have used it, or interjected when I heard a good topic, but it didn't feel right.

The TF Meet and Greet was a mix of good and bad: It initially started off terribly awkward, with lots of long, awkward silences, and few people volunteering to talk. The person running the panel didn't do a good job keeping things active either. At this point, I took it upon myself to risk being seen like a selfish asshole, and began to attempt to encourage and guide topics: Every time a topic came up, I would volunteer my opinion; Regarding why I like Transformation art, what kinds of creatures I liked, and why, etc. etc. etc.
I recall getting a few hateful looks from people during this time: for example, a specific comic was brought up that had tf elements... the name started with the letter N, but ironically, the name escapes me. It's ironic, because neither could the person describing the comic. Then I overheard one girl say the name to her friend nearby. I guaged the audience, seeing that people seemed interested in the comic, and were wracking their brains to recall a name... So I stood up again, and asked her to repeat the name, again, out loud to the rest of the panel. It seemed to help the rest of the group, but that girl ended up shooting daggers at me with her eyes afterwards.
I attempted to apologise, post-discussion, explaining my intentions, but she retained a cold, distant manner... so I excused myself, and left her alone.

So... Damned if you are shy, damned if you are social... Fuck.

The good news, at least regarding the TF Group, is that people seemed to warm up over time, discussing and interjecting with each other more and more, until I didn't need to contribute at all. I *think* I was at least partly responsible for warming up the group, because there were a number of people who had begun to respond to my comments, and in return, had their comments responded to. The social climate seemed quite warm by the end, so I feel that I did more good than bad there.

But all in all, Panels haven't been worth the trouble, the trouble being a 13 hour road trip, both ways, and the registration fee.

... I would have liked to had time to go to the smash brothers panel though... I find that game, along with cards against humanity, to be a magnificent ice-breaker. :D But yar, plenty of chaos to go around, so... maybe next time.


#2: Meeting an amazing group of erotic shifters

So... I was pretty miserable at this point, and decided to just draw in the zoo, which is the name for the public rest area. It was at this point that Doosker Roo approached me, and after some discussion, introduced me to the gang of transformation art fans/artists that he was hanging out with. Kulbara, Splyced, and Altered where the three primary artists there, and shared a common element to their artwork: They enjoyed the concept of viceral, erotic transformations: The idea that turning into an ideal humanoid beast didn't have to be painful, but instead mind-blowingly (and other bits blowingly) pleasurable.
I will be frank: I am getting sick and tired of being prudish with my artwork; I will only be young for so long, where it is considered right and proper to explore your sexuality. So I said to hell with it, and jumped head-first into an art jam involving people launching their load while turning into all sorts of sexy beast-men (beast-women, beast-herms, whatevs.)
If that disgusts you... get over it; if you don't understand it now, you will when you are older, and possibly regretting not having fun with life when you could.

So, I ended up spending most of the Con hanging out with this group of I believe 10-12 people (never actually counted, but we filled up the apartment-sized hotel room well enough. we talked about everything any friends talk about; Video games, youtube, jobs, etc. And managed to throw in our common interest occassionaly: One example was sharing the use of an Oculus-rift-style device that let us watch some fun VR videos, including one involving a cute, anthro amphibian gradually transforming into a huge, sexy, draconic creature, while rampaging through various parts of the city. A pizza party was had, plenty of art was drawn, requests were made... It was everything that a spontaneous Convention party should have been.

So ultimately, the thing that made this whole thing worth while wasn't anything planned in the con, but instead what spontaneously occurred.

**It should be worth noting, that due to the above scenareo occurring, I am not going to be censoring myself as much as I did in the past, regarding erotic transformation. I have already drawn one of the people at the party, having fallen out of a standing shower, and rolling on the ground in ecstasy as he transforms into a Lugia... and other, similar sorts of sexy fun are planned.**

#3: A marriage happened

So, My room mate and friend, Kitnoki, was proposed to by Kale Otter, our visiting british friend, and she accepted. It could have been a freaking movie: The poses, the emotion, the impromptu congregation and subsequent congratulation by many nearby convention goers, the romantic waterfront scenry with the lit city on the evening horizon... We even had a party tour boat, curious at the hubbub, drift over and join in the celebration. It was awesome, and I sincerely hope that the two get nothing but happiness out of their union.
If I had any regrets, it was only one, very small one; a side effect of social paranoia. Kit, absolutely drunk on happiness, kept shouting out how she was getting married... to every single person that came within 2 meters or so... all the way back until we got into our hotel at the end of the day. I was happy that she was happy, but we were getting "what the fuck" looks from almost everyone she was yelling at. Even that is fine... My biggest fear, however, was that someone wouldn't hold their tongue, and say something like "calm the hell down", or "why should I care" or some other, similar, reasonable, but impolite reaction... and it would lead to some nasty drama.
Fortunately, nothing of the sort happened, so my worrying was for nothing... and I am thankful for that.
I wish them the best for the future :D

#4: Reminded about the value of friendship

At the end of the duration of the convention, everyone we knew of that we could gather, ended up coming to one big party at an irish-style pub, and we all filled our bellies, and got drunk off of happiness and alcohol :D
An old friend had taken me to the side during the party, though, and mentioned something that I thought was extremely important. I am omitting their name to avoid any potential drama that could occur. They told me that, as they had gained fame as a furry artist, something nasty was happening: The friends that they held dear were distancing themselves from that person, because, in trying to be kind, they thought they were terribly busy, and needed the space to work. At the same time, certain, poisonous individuals, who were only trying to get close to said artist due to their art or fame, were closing in. This person was feeling more and more stifled, until they were beginning to be sick of the fandom in general.

So... I made a promise that I would stop being an internet hermit... that I would get back into contact with them, and pester them whether they were working or not, and do what I've always tried doing: to make them laugh, smile, and generally enjoy their existance. It might take some time, and I might forget steps, but I am going to be getting Telegram (or whatever chat program ends up being popular), facebook, etc. renewing my old contacts, making new ones, and just... resume trying to be social.
I've already contacted a couple folks, and I will be working on others as well. If I forget you, or you want me added as a contact, PLEASE TELL ME. I am disorganized and forgetful enough that I might space out, and I don't want anyone feeling left out.

#5: Road Trips are boring:

Not much to add there. Just my opinion on the least fun part of the Con. ;) I get nauseous when playing my gameboy (or 3DSXXL Deluxe super new moder edition, if you care about all that) while riding in a car, and It jostles too much to draw anything with any worthwhile detail. So MEH.

So that is the biggest punctuations I can think of that occurred at the con. Fursuits are nice, but being a tf fan, I am more a fan of the prosthetic/realistic stuff. Hope others enjoyed the con as much as they hoped they would!

*runs off to draw something naughty*

Finally back safe after a long road trip back. We're happy, but absolutely brain-dead and exausted. Once I recharge a bit I will have a more substantial journal of my wanderings there, but for now, I'm just letting folks know I am back home safe.

Night.

**THUD**

Yep, planning on being there for the full five days it is up.

Honestly, I plan on being as stingy as possible: Our friend Typhin is footing a large part of the bill, and absolutely insists that we come. As such, I am only going to buy art, commissions, or whatnot if the product is so good that it like, "Speaks to my soul" or some other similarly lofty, gotta-have situation.

On top of that, We have a friend from Britain visiting for a couple months, and another friend who just went home about a week ago, spending a week here. tack on some nasty, pneumonia-like Bug that we all at the household caught (Typhin got hospitalized by it, and we will be picking her up now that she is recovered... just before we are due to travel to the convention!), and yeah... We have been ridiculously busy.

A Quick progress report for those waiting on commissions, the first picture, a cute little chibi skunk affair, is inked, and will be flatted and shaded as soon as possible: I am hoping to have it complete within a week starting today, depending on if we are fried from over-activity at the con.

The next two commissions are a sexy/scary monstrous set of items, and are going to be inked after the completion of the skunk.

Well, that's it for the moment. Hope you all have a healthy and fun week!

Hey all, this is just an update of my previous Journal, now that I have an idea of some baseline prices for my artwork.

It's been a long while, but I am ready to resume doing commissions for those who are interested. leave a comment in this journal if you have anything you would like to see made!

I am having some dental work done, and there is next to no dental care available for people who are disabled on medicare/medicaid, so I am hoping to alleviate some of the expenses this way.

I am perfectly willing to do adult and fetish artwork, but won't do anything that glorifies the hurting of others: excessive gore, torture, pedophilia, rape, and anything else like those topics are not something I am willing to do.

NOW... for the updated info: Pricing is as follows.

The way I am estimating it right now, is that I want 30$ for an inked image, and 40$ for flat shaded work, with 50$ for a fully colored image. As a general rule this is going to be for a single character since multiple characters would, obviously, multiply the complexity of the image.

My logic is this: 20$ for a character, with 10$ for each refinement step, from ink, to flat color, to fully shaded color.

If you have me do side frames, I can probably do 5$ per each frame: lets say... a 4 frame sequence of a hand turning into, say, a talon or something, would be 20$. I think flat color would make them 6$ a frame, and full color 7$.

Backgrounds are tricky to equate directly: I think it would have to do with a. how complex the background is, and b. how much of it is an existing area, vs. something I will have to create completely out of my own imagination. I.E super-creative fantasy or sci-fi locations would likely cost just as much for the background itself, as the characters would, where any basic bedroom, office, park, alley, etc. would probably be reasonably cheap: the less furniture, plants, architecture, etc. or the simpler it is, the cheaper the background can be as well.

Again, make sure to send as detailed a description as possible! the more info I have to work with, the more likely that what I will draw will look like what is in your imagination :)
because of this, I am more than happy to haggle, assuming the haggling is done in good faith.

If you have any additional questions, or think there is information I forgot that needs to be put down, let me know! This is sort of a work in progress. Also, if you have a commission you are shy about placing in this journal, please private message me: I am willing to work in confidentiality at a commissioner's request. Hell, Messaging me might be the best thing to do anyway, so we can pop info back and forth until I have all the info I need to do the make sure the commission is done perfectly!

Well, first and foremost, I had an absolute blast...

Second off, I am irritated as all hell, over one very specific thing:
Imagine you are playing Fallout, or Zelda, or any massive adventure game with tons of side quests. Now imagine if you had a time limit... one that made it absolutely impossible to see everything there was to do. That's about how I felt.... I must have gotten to about, oh, seven percent of everything I wanted to see and do at MFF.

Heh, at least I wasn't bored.

I managed to get most of my primary goals done though. I managed to get a flammie sketch, and a wereswan transformation should be on the way. I also got plenty of cute swag, including an amigarumi (knitted) yoshi in celebration of Wooly World.
Another completed goal was to meet Shiro, and by proxy, Boog. (Nyomi)... Those two have the lucky blessing of looking a lot like their actual avatars, and were a lot of fun to hang out with, when our schedules synched up.

The panels I was able to visit were comparative anatomy, and avian anatomy, which should help with my transformation pictures... And amusingly, I got more education about avian sexual aspects then I ever got of human sex-ed in junior high. Some basic facts I learned that should help include how to turn quadruped structure into biped structure, while maintaining the characteristic shape of each beast (It is mostly in the positioning of the skull, spine, and back muscles... I will likely include details about each thing later, as I use said tricks in my art (or if people ask). other things, like carnivores commonly being more flexible than herbivores, as well as having vastly wider-opening mouths, etc. etc.... It was all very engaging and useful :D

Lets see... I only have two things that I was unable to do that I wanted to truly complete. One is to get an adult commission; Just never came across an area with adult art on sale... simple coincidence. The artist that did the avian anatomy panel might be able to do an adult were-swan transformation once his schedule clears, so I can certainly wait for that.
... also, when it comes to *cough* adult toys... I hear they only had phalli for the most part... It seems tricky to find toys for straight males.*shrugs* first world problems and all.
The other thing I wanted to do, was get involved with an art jam. I followed advice, and drew in public meeting areas, but got little attention... heh, maybe I was just intimidating, or more likely others had more than enough on their plates than to worry about art. oooooohhhh wellllll.... Just means I'll have to draw more at home, get it in here, and re-establish contacts that way;) I diddled around with a chocobo tf, and a bit of undertale art on request of typhin ( Metaton makes the dire mistake of inviting Undine and Papyrus to his cooking show, chaos ensues. )

Oh, heh, and one other gripe;) I spent waaaaay more money than I intended to on commissions and loot... Cons seem to be the most fun when you have an abundance of two things: money and friends... thank goodness I had friends there, and had saved money ;)

hmm. That is all that can think of at the moment. I will add more as it comes to mind. Toodles, and hope everyone else had a wonderful time at MFF!

Heh, let's see how doing a journal via texting works out.

Well, it looks like I will be headed to the Midwest furfest, thanks in no small part to Typhin and Kitnoki, my roommates and friends. Typically, I have been too poor, too busy, or too far out of the way to go to these things, but I finally get to see what they are all about.

Admittedly, I am nervous about going; no idea what to do there, but I hope to have fun without making an ass of myself. I'll post more should anything interesting happen.

Well, more than just troubles. I have out-and-out failed my classes. I now see why this class has such a nasty reputation as one of the hardest curriculum in this school, and it is one I hadn't calculated and planned for. My failure can be attributed to two factors.

1. You cannot take these classes part time: They are all interlinked (concept art to modeling, modeling to animation, and finer steps within those tasks), so if you are failing one, you are failing all of them.
Solution? Jeffery Dewitt, one of the instructors, is fighting to make the classes individualized, not to mention creating a part-time schedule for working students (yeah, I meant all or nothing, you can't take fewer classes over a longer period like you can with most.) He is going to be on the board of directors within a year (they apparently cycle people to prevent bias and political strife), and this is one of the topics he will bring up.

2. My god-forsaken memory: So why did I fail a class in the first place? I was unable to retain information for immediate use, such as the keyboard shortcuts for the functions within the program. So yeah, I bombed on tests due to poor retention.
It gets worse, however; despite being in class for several weeks, work I would turn in wound up in the wrong folders, or the wrong classes... stupid mistakes such as getting drawing for concept art, and Photoshop for concept art, mixed. Add to the fact that the three instructors had slightly different ways they wanted work turned in ( one wants it in the "student" file, one in "shared", and one in the directory where those two folders are located. My glitch was forgetting which teacher wanted which method.

So why don't I make notes, and refer to them? Actually, that's exactly how I tried to adapt: Lots of note-taking... hell, the teachers thought I was being excessive. The problem is, despite these notes, I am not permitted to use them in tests. Not only that... despite trying to remember which folder went where... I still made stupid memory errors. It was at this point, that I began to notice a worrisome pattern...
I have been having a harder time concentrating, remembering even simple or immediate things (like where I put my keys 5 seconds ago), etc.

So I went to talk to my psychiatrist... He has me on buspirone, an anti anxiety medicine, and venlafaxine, used to stop depression.
Apparently they have some interesting side effects... namely, loss of concentration, and memory problems.
As an experiment the doctor altered my dosage, giving me a standard dose of busiprone, rather than a small dose... And the effects were immediately noticeable. I found that, if I was talking to someone, I would blank out sometimes trying to recall what I was going to say, or even forget what I was talking about when a brief distraction in the conversation occurred. Mentally, it almost feels as though my brain is still trying to go a mile a minute (like it always has), but now there are holes and gaps in the road.

So we are going to be talking to a neurologist, because this is most definitely not normal for me. It hasn't been a month since I failed, so I haven't relayed this side effect to the psychiatrist, but you can bet I will be letting him know as well.


....One the positive side, all my teachers had glowing praise for me. they all mentioned that I asked excellent questions, and that the quality of my work is well above what most of the other students where putting through... then there's the note taking thing... heh. Once the work was actually located in the computers, the time stamp let them know that none of my work was ever late (had to pull an all-nighter more than once, since I work slow... slower because I keep forgetting things and having to consult my notes.) The work was absolutely fascinating for me, learning tricks, cheats, and methods for perspective, line-work, geometry, and technical terms and aspects in a CG artists professional environment, and that is just a small bit of what I learned in the brief time there.

... So yeah, there's the latest big event in my life. I am not giving up yet. If it turns out it was a physical impairment, by brain damage, psychiatric medicine, or otherwise measurable issues... then I will be reinstated next year, assuming the problem is taken cared of. If it turns out nothing can be discovered of my mental issues.... Well... Have you ever seen or heard something you could swore happen, but everyone around you thinks you are mistaken? Like, everyone thinks you are crazy, and you think they are the crazy (or at least incorrect) ones? It will kind of feel like that for me.
Even if my condition is immeasurable, however, I will pick up the pieces, determine this profession is not for me, and look for something else.

Heya folks. Some people have been wondering what I have been up to recently, since my account has had very little activity these days. There is, I think, a good reason for my absence. After completing my spring semester, and effectively clearing most of my core requirements, and then passing an evaluatory period in the summer semester, to see if I am suited for the most difficult art-related curriculum this college has, I am now in the first semester for My 3D modeling and design courses.

The instructors that are teaching me have a good number of years of professional experience in game design and 3D modeling. Edward C. Binkley is one of those sorts who can draw so razor sharp, you would think his fully complete work was 3D modeled itself, and his pencilwork is no less precise. Jeffery Dewitt is our animation and rigging specialist, and though I know not what specific animations he made, the games he is credited in are fairly well established (Star Wars Old Republic, Prey, and Colonial Marines, for example). Nathaniel Albright... heh, I can't find anything about him at the moment, but he is held in high regard by the other two instructors, and currently plays the role of technical assistance and programming, when needed.

That said, 3D modeling, animation, and game design are three things I have wanted to do since childhood. In fact, one of the reasons I started 'furry' artwork was to improve my drawing skills to a decent enough level to pursue this sort of career. As such, I am taking these courses LETHALLY SERIOUSLY.

Thus far, I am learning that the worst bit of this course is a heavy workload. Since the beginning, I have had homework every day, and the work amount is enough to where I can't do any real procrastinating;I hope to be able to sleep, and exercise, with a side of "play time" for working on my drawings and portfolio. The heavy work load is to simulate the demanding environment in a design company: deadlines are vital, and things have to look ***good*** if you want to move from junior modeler (making rocks, trees, chairs, and other mundane objects) to senior modeler (making aliens, weapons, vehicles, and the other "cool" stuff.).
Heh, frankly, I am enough of a realist at this point that I would be happy churning out mundane objects (commonly called "kitbash") in a good design company.

I think this is a good time to mention what I plan to do with "furry" art at this point. Hell, I still plan on doing it, and I still enjoy doing it and tf art, but I need to diversify what I am able to draw for a couple of reasons.
For one, I have to be able to draw, animate, and model damn near anything, not just anthro animals and lycanthropic transformations. I imagine that if I do as good as I wish I could, that some of my anthros or tfs will be used in a professional setting, but I am not holding my breath on that.

Another thing is the good ol' stigma about furries, and furry artwork. *sighs* I can think of two people in the furry community who have professional identities, and they keep those identities as secret as a superhero and his alter-ego. Gryf is one, SolidAsp is another (and for gods sake, don't harass them because I mentioned them... I'm nervous just giving real examples). This is because, if employers find out they are drawing what could be considered perverse or fetish artwork, it could create backlash, because companies and corporations don't want any connections to 'seedy' enterprises... National Enquirer and other busybodies are a good example as to why they are so straight-laced... sue-happy individuals are another decent reason. While there is nothing wrong with your basic everyday "furry", people will often associate you with the worst examples, unless you give them every reason not to.

As for me, I am doing things a bit backward, I suppose, and who knows, it might just bite me in the ass, but... I already have a 'furry' identity. I plan to build up less controversial (but hopefully no less well done) items for professional presentation. Once I have a portfolio of mundane items I wish to share, I will likely create an alternate, "professional" identity to show that work... and again, never shall the two meet.

I suppose... someone who is somewhat obsessed with me and my artwork might make a connection between my art style here, and my art style professionally, but that is unlikely, and hurrah for plausible deniability.

That doesn't mean I intend to stop drawing furry and transformation artwork, oh ho hell no. It just means I won't be focusing on it. Any time I *do* create a piece that I think the anthro community will like, I will be slipping it up on here, so long as I don't need it for some professional reason (gotta have examples of everything, anthro animals included).

That said, I do have a plan for a 3D transformation animation, which I will be doing as a school project, *if* I am allowed to do so by the curriculum. you know those neat 3D transformations Gryf made, of a dolphin and a snake? I think he should have done a bird of some sort... a raven, maybe a hawk... But rather then harass him to make it, I will try making a professional grade transformation myself. **No Guarantees Though**... my art style might be too different, or the curriculum might not allow it, or I may lack the resources (though I have good computer equipment at the moment)... Also, even if I can do such a transformation project, It won't be done this semester. Hell, I will count it as lucky, if I am good enough at CG modeling and animation to complete a "Gryf worthy" animation in two years (when I will get the first degree for my course)... more likely, I'll need the full four year course, plus a good amount of luck.

That said, I think such a transformation would be a good "final test" of my capabilities as a 3D modeler and artist.

So now y'all have some idea of what I am up to. I hope you can understand where I am coming from, and know that the positive attention I have recieved here has been a great (and needed) boost to my self confidence. Even if I am by no means a regular poster, I will still be around... And I hope that this training will make the later things I share with you all better than anything you've seen from me before...

Want an example? Ranzab completed a bit of college recently (though I know not the details)... compare his old work with his new... even if his style isn't your cup'o'tea, you will notice a dramatic improvement from what I already considered an impressive artist.

Toodles! *digs back into homework.... and coffee... looooootsa coffee...*

Just a minor thought on my part, whilst writing out a message to one 0plm....

I was writing out what I considered ideal about the concept of transformation to him, and put some of the qualities together to come up with this little gimmick.

I like the concept of "transformation", as a way to see oneself improve... As one furry artist by the name of Xylem put it... "Furries are 50% superhero, 50% supermodel."... While there is some variation to that statement, he's got some accuracy there.... many "fursonas" are what we consider our ideal selves... and that usually involves not only being in top physical shape, to the point of preternatural, animalistic levels, but also being physically attractive... though of course, physically attractive can vary quite a bit from person to person... one person might be attracted to the more stereotypical, lithe, muscular build of a swimmer... while another might find a hunched, hairy, slavering man-beast incredibly hot in a feral, primal sort of way. typically though, both will be very well suited to the person's favorite environments, and match creatures you would find in those environments (but of course, some folks like being odd, like a kangaroo in the middle of thick jungle treetops in Asia... Meh, more power to 'em.)

Now, the act of "Being Furry" aside... let's consider the concept of "Becoming Furry"... the thing that separates 'typical' furs from 'TF fans'. I've likened enjoying transformation to the concept of enjoying a journey... You tend to not just look forward to the final destination, or form in this case... but also enjoy the moments leading up to the final destination... the parts of the journey, or transformation, that provide a new and exciting experience... The concept of realizing you aren't just growing long, feminine fingernails... but that you actually have claws... Maybe the next big mile-marker there, is watching as thick padding forms on your fingertips, your knuckles developing into the more thick, heavy, well supported (but less dextrous) structure of paws... Or perhaps the change is more ideal, giving you the power and stability of paws, and the lithe dexterity of human digits... the quintessential "Paw-hands"... Realizing you have a tail growing out of your rear end is another big mile marker... or perhaps wings from your shoulders...
Many furries just want to "Be Ideal"... but some of us enjoy every gradual, growing, pulsating improvement that occurs... and that's where tf comes in.

Me... I've always entertained... not only the concept of transforming into an ideal form... but also spreading it around. To the general public, "Lycanthropy" is a curse, or a disease... capable of jumping from person to person in an infectious manner, turning you into something "Less" than human.
Call me idealistic if you desire, but my Fursonas carried a unique form of this 'Curse'... the concept of "Therianthropy". I'm sure many of you would have recognized that word and it's given definition... It is basically a scientifically accurate description of being an "animal person"... or "other form"...
The basic idea is simple enough. The condition my personae have is contagious... it is infectious... it can spread with heavy contact with other individuals... whether this is through typical "werewolf" means of biting, clawing, and general mauling is one thing, or the more idealistic concept of lovemaking... a sort of "Super STD"...
But rather than people infected with this condition always transforming into a "copy" of whatever form I happened to be... were-swan, were-orca, or... heh, no non-silly way to say this, a were-flammie... They end up transforming into their own given "Ideal" form. It might take time to "Incubate" after the initial 'infection', watching internally as the person shows an interest or longing for life in certain environments, or idolizing certain beasts... or it might transform them just as quickly as they are infected... especially if such an ideal form has been rooted in their psyche for quite some time. Spending long periods of time with certain beasts may also be a contributing factor, much like a certain martial arts master who hung out constantly with sewer rats...

So yeah... after considering all these concepts, I began to piece together this new definition for one of my favorite gimmicks. The mathematics at this point are simple to add together for your consideration. Take an infectious condition... thus, a "Disease". But unlike nearly every other disease in existence... this condition does *not* consume the one it infects... it does not make a person "weaker"... it does not make them "older" or "uglier"... quite the opposite, it feed's off of the human's resources, infiltrating the body, and prompting them to eat more... to fuel a metabolism that wants to accelerate into something unnatural. But unlike many viruses, who only turn body structures into virii indiscriminately, eventually breaking down their host environment and destroying themselves, this pathogen tries to propagate and survive through a more symbiotic relationship with it's host... making the host into something fit... something powerful, and attractive (at least in the mind of the host)... and making the host enjoy every moment of it.
And of *course* once this ideal symbiotic relationship is developed, the pathogen is going to want to continue to propagate... but again, rather than reproducing mindlessly, destroying it's environment... it merely re-develops a small surplus of its population into a highly contagious form, then waits until inevitable contact with another host occurs... and thus the infection repeats. Ah, but there are times... where the disease, much like certain parasites, will alter the mindset of it's host... I mean sure... it already made sure the host enjoyed both it's transformation, and its new, sophisticated body... but sometimes a little more is needed. Typically accelerating one of two brain centers is sufficient... either the aggressive mindset... or the erotic mindset. Either way, the Host will find itself either attacking another potential host organism in undue aggression, spreading the contagion... or they will try to force themselves on the individual organism in a different sort of way. Of course, the given host can resist either urge, lessening their reaction, or nullifying it completely... it is merely an urge, a hormonal stimulus created by the pathogen.... Also, the rage or arousal reaction varies from Host to Host... again typically reflecting the pre-existing psychological mindset of the individual... The best way to put it is... are they a 'lover' or a 'fighter'?

Of course... that is one big danger of being such a Therianthrope... if you do decide someone needs to be beaten up... you better either finish the job (a gruesome concept) or attack the individual with a reasonably sterile weapon (just don't go dipping your sword or bullets in your spit, blood, or.....ew... 'excrement'... and you'll be fine)... otherwise your foe might come back to haunt you later in a shiny, new, powered up "boss-form"... so to speak ;) ... But who knows... maybe they'll thank you for the pleasurable transformation (after the vicious mauling) and you will have a new... if rather masochistic... friend. ;)

Okay, So we have an infectious pathogen that gives the host primarily benefits, rather then detriments. so, sort of a Same... but Opposite concept. And that's where I got the idea of the "Anti-Disease". I hadn't realized it before, but my concept of a Therianthropy disease might actually come from a fear or hatred of typical disease, along the typical furry aspect of "Wanting the perfect (furfect?) body." Combine it with my appreciation for gradually growing in power/attractiveness, as opposed to just always having been that way... and I begin to get a clearer picture of my own id, ego, and super ego... my psychological core.

All that said, there's my concept of the "condition" that my "were-forms" have. If you were to ever encounter them, you would likely expect to deal with a calm, serene, and subtly, oddly amorous man-beast (I'm more of a lover than a fighter, as far as my infectious psychological sub-type is), who would be happy to let you experience the same joy that he found, ever since he began to change....

http://www.wildstar-online.com/en/

Yeah, my room mates have me toying around with this while I am in traction. An action MMORPG with a tooney, sci-fi bent. My favorite parts of this are the light-hearted sense of humor, and how positional and tactical combat feels: just about every attack in the game, from you or your enemies, has a timed geometric telegraph that you can use to dodge and reposition yourself... The combat feels much more "real-time" than many of your traditional Morpghs.

It's also pretty obvious that they wanted to play to (and make fun of) the different aspects of "furry" in several of their races. From the prancy, nature-squee overly cutesy, large-eyed, long earred and furry tailed Aurin... To the Raar Dom Eat Kill Feral Fangs Claws Power-trip bent of the Drakan, to the neurotic, Never-serious, often contrary, looney toon-like Chuua... It seems like they did a good job splitting up three different "safe for work" aspects of furryism and throwing them into the game.

But yeah, It's having an Open Beta for another 10 days counting now, so go take a look! I am having fun playing around with it, and I'm not the sort to easily get hooked to MMO games.

Well... what's the best way to put this. I don't want to gross out or depress anyone, but... *sighs* its still the biggest thing to hit recently.

As such, I will simply apologize in advance. If I end up getting enough responses to tear down this journal, I will.

***Read no further if you desire no bad news***



... Well, my digestive tract took a spin for the worse, and clogged up completely. I am now equipped with an Ostomy bag...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ostomy.....ouching_system

I will leave that link there for people who are curious as to exactly what it is. but lets just say, its going to be permanently changing some things in my life.

Odds are I won't be doing any nude modeling for photomanipulations now, but... other than how it has changed my nude appearance, and how I use the restroom... It shouldn't cause me too many problems.

Actually, my big hope, is that once the surgery heals, all the pain, discomfort, and energy loss caused by my failing digestive tract will be subverted by this treatment... that it is actually a beneficial surgery, rather than a stop-gap meant to simply keep me alive (and possibly in worse condition).

I imagine that once the surgery heals, my condition will be entirely based on how well I take care of my body, including diet and proper medication at the proper times. I don't *think* that this is actually going to cause an additional drop in energy levels or increase in pain, the way my intestinal removal and resection did.

...that said, I also had some intestinal resection surgery on top of this. *But*... it was just the removal of scar tissue... very little healthy intestine had to be removed in order to complete the resection. So again, I am hoping that once everything heals, I will have energy, and very little pain... and will be able to pursue the same old desires in artwork and games that made me happy. The more energy, the more inclined I feel to do my tf art and other projects. so I am thinking positive on this.

...combine all this with a lower right bicuspid extraction... and I'm feeling rather pained this month. I still hope to continue my work when things improve, but for now, I make no promises. *sighs* I will draw when I am happy, inspired, and full of energy... no more making promises, only to have them broken by 'incidents' in life. again, I apologize. I wish I had the indomitable motivation and drive that marks a truly inspiring artist, but I'm feeling a little worn out.

Finishing the inking of the Anthro Flammie pencilwork.
Possible coloring of the anthro flammie inkwork.
completion of a single image kangaroo transformation.
completion of portions of kitsune possession transformation.

Thats all for now

I decided against sharing my previous Journal statement.... It was up for a brief time, for those unlucky enough to spot it and read it, but... essentially, I began to feel just as guilty for admitting just how cracked up I felt inside, as I did when I kept it bottled up. Feeling guilty, but a different sort of guilt;It's complicated,and I'm not sure I can properly explain.

So... yeah, I'm not really sure what to do as far as the "online community" is concerned... this is part of why I became an illusive ghost in the first place, because I figured no one needs to hear my bellyaching and whining. I still feel a strange sort of calm, so maybe the best thing for me to do, is just go on autopilot mode and act in a positive manner until things improve.

I looked through my journals, and I realize that at least half of the journals are depressing as hell. So fuck it, I'm going to be real selective about what I share about my feelings in the future; I should be here to entertain others, not depress them. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... I fucking hate that saying, partially because it feels true most of the time to me, and not always at the best of times.

So, Moving on... *Deletes his depressing garbage* here's to things becoming a hell of alot more less depressing, and, if some freak occcurrence rarer than me spontaneously mutating into a flammie... here's to things going well all the time, instead of the other way around. Cheers.

oookaaaay.... I feel a little dumb for not thinking of this sooner, but a recent picture made by Gryph (A spotted leopard transformation) made me finally have a small epiphany about something that has been bugging me for quite some time now: namely, how to handle spine, and bone growth in general in a rapidly growing/transforming body. I think the best way to handle it, would be for a sort of calcium gel to fill the area where the bone will form, hardening into a sort of cartilage "mold" that would then fill with more of the calcium solution, or a similar solution, that can solidify into solid bone relatively unmolested by surrounding tissue growth and animation. basically like filling an inner tube with air until it is "solid", and then adding a mixture to turn the air inside the tube into a solid core of material.

... of course there is also the more biologically reasonable explanation, that bone material is just added to pre-existing bone a cell, or even particle, at a time, like a microscopic laying of brick and mortar... but having a sort of protective sac of semi-solid material to protect the bone-building process from being bent and dinged because the organism it is growing on is writhing and slamming into stuff seems to make sense to me... *especially* in the case of a tail or spine, where banging into something at the wrong time would cause permanent nerve damage, or even death; such as if it the neck or torso lengthening, rather than the relatively unimportant tail.

looking at the tail growth in this picture is what created the epiphany for me, because even the bone in the tail looks sort of fleshy, soft, and maybe even semi-transparent.

I kept thinking, up until now, that cocoons are the only real way to keep an organism safe from harm while it is transforming, but didn't think of having processes in the body that mimic internal cocoons, protective, temporary sheaths in the shape the organism will eventually become, filling with the necessary permanent biological material of flesh, nerve, and bone. The dilemma was that permanent, "true" flesh is not nearly so liquid to rapidly grow and shift like in most were-creatures, while still remaining solid enough that the forces of movement and gravity do not horribly bend and mal-form the growing tissue. protective sacs, sheathes, and cocoons, however, can be biologically constructed, and "inflated" with a substance that can become true flesh rather quickly, while the sheath provides the necessary surface tension to keep the inner soup of vital material from assuming a mismatched shape.

...now that I think about it... making the nerves shut down, or at least numb enough to prevent rapid, forceful movement, you lessen the risk of damage even more...

...so now, in my mind, I am imagining that, when body parts on a were-creature grow, those parts are at first rather soft and tender, and may even move and bend in un-natural ways (like, say... a finger or thumb on a paw hand bending backward a bit at a joint that is currently reforming). I also imagine the transforming individual falling down as their arms, legs, or spine literally "Turn to jelly", and their nervous and musculature system in those growing areas slowing, so that any growing parts only twitch or move slowly, gently, the only rapid movement being their growth, and perhaps that rhythmic, heartbeat-like "throbbing" that punctuates it; indeed, with the growing parts being similar to fleshy balloons at this point, it makes sense that the rapidly beating pulse would be even more visible than normal.

....anyway, it makes me inordinately happy to actually be able to rationalize transformation again. Though I am still a fan of inexplicable, overwhelming "Magic", sometimes you want a bridge between fantasy and reality so you can entertain the idea of it taking less than an utter miracle or application of Occam's razor to see your dreams and fantasies come to life.