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I've been hermiting and trying to get things done, and I've done quite a lot lately, but a lot has also happened ontop of that, so I've been steering away from here a lot lately... I've been posting... just not on here lol

I've also been afraid of judgement on here all over again because I ran out of meds and have no insurance atm, so my paranoia is in full blast and making me run from places I used to fear for one reason or another. I've been on DA mostly, and a tiny bit on TH, so if you wanna see my recent art you can find it on my DA, seiokou.deviantart.com
Aside from customers on here that I have that don't have a DA, or TH, I won't really be on here much for a good while... just to check messages and look at certain artist's stuff every once and a while (mostly MeiLynn's, Otaru's, and Kitpaii's tbh lmao)... sorry to anyone that inconveniences, but I really can't add anymore anxiety to my life right now, otherwise I'd try to push through it, but I can't afford another ER visit panic-attack since I have no insurance anymore, I just can't. ; w;

Anyways, hope you guys are doing great! I'll try to get my shit back in order as soon as I can, I promise I'll be back eventually, this won't be a permanent leave!

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I am so sick of the social justice warriors BSers out there! The next time ANY of you assholes treats me like a ducking strait cis-gendered female just because you see me dating a biologically male person, I'm going to do the same and call you an offensive cod-piece... I identify as lesbian for a reason, and furthermore I don't even identify as ducking female! And for those of you telling me what I can and can't do based on these gender and sexuality assumptions that have known for practically forever... you can go get bottle-fed dick for all I care. I'm done with your BS.

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TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR AND THE TUNE YOU LEARN TO SING THE ALPHABET ARE THE EXACT SAME

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK

*BRAIN EXPLOSION NOISES INTENSIFY*

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ALKDFJDLGJDLSJLS Sorry for the lack of activity, guys! The heat has been UNBEARABLE over here, and so I get stuck melting away on my bed all day long with a massive migraine all day long, whenever I have a day off from work.... I get so incredibly bored not doing anything, but trying to even get on the comp or read makes everything worse, and so productivity is even more so--WHICH SUCKS THE MOST OF ALL HONESTLY--I wind up feeling like this gigantic awful pile of disgusting useless trash for not drawing, doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, or even fucking going out and walking, and the restlessness I get from doing nothing only encourages the reasons behind all these gross unhealthy thoughts... Sorry if it sounds more like complaining/whining than apologizing, but I feel not explaining my reason would only make the apology empty, and that not explaining myself well enough would just make myself look like even more of a worthless being to you guys than I already feel. I really am sorry, I'm trying as hard as I can, I promise~! Q ~Q

Idk if I've mentioned it here much, or at all, but some of you on here know this about me already... I CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT TO SAVE MY LIFE... I live in San Jose California (over by Oakridge Mall if you know where that is), and it's probably not like SUPER HOT over here, but it's still bad enough to where I feel like I should be laying in a bucket of ice or rushed to the ER for a heat stroke. To everyone else it's probably 90-something, but for my poor body it's more like 105-110 or so, and I've been on these anti-anxiety meds for a couple months now that basically stop my body from regulating it's temperature, so... yeah, it's even WORSE now than ever before. It's honestly the only side effect that hasn't gone away yet, and the anti-anxiety pills have been the only things keeping me from going back to the ER with severe palpitations and chest pain, so they're worth the torture atm lol... SO YEAH, please try to be understanding of how crippling heat is for me. I bet it sounds stupid to a lot of you, but I promise you this is a really problem, and I'm not just some whiny lil white bitch making excuses to make her life easier. I'm still trying to push myself through the heat as best I can, so hopefully I'll have some results and improvement to share with you guys soon enough.

I decided to tell the world to go F itself today, and this will probably all blow up in my face later through the day tbh, but I've already gone through all our dishes and half way through our laundry ^{(I take care of Collin's dishes too and we share a bed and towels so yeah lol)}, yay~! I'll be warming up with some personal work first since I'm super rusty probably lol, but I'll be going straight to owed stuff right after that~ Hopefully I can get a decent amount done with what time I have left today! I only work Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday this week, so I'll hopefully get through this day well enough to repeat myself maybe Thursday, and the weekend more likely~ ; V; <3

TL;DR
- I'm really really sorry for being slow AF... I'm dying from the heat, I just can't handle it like most can, I THRIVE IN THE COLD, but I'm still trying to get SOMETHING done. I'll hopefully get something done by tonight, so PLEASE try to understand and forgive, and try to be patient with me~! ; w; (no one has been complaining or anything, tbh you guys have been strangely silent and patient with me over all this silence on my side, just wanna apologize and beg your forgiveness for my frustrating fragility and recent lack of free time(

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I was told by my mate while discussing his deuteranopia that my issues distinguishing blues, purples, and reds/pinks from one another might mean I have protanopia. I took a test online (I know they're not as accurate as tests with actual doctors so I take it with a grain of salt), and it said I was "MILD - PROTAN", so yeah, looks like he MIGHT be right! I've seen a few eye doctors in my life for new glasses n stuff, but I don't think I've ever been given any tests for colorblindness, just the typical ones for nystigmus (jittery eyes), the ones for distinguishing my near and far sightedness, and I once had that test where they blow air into you eyes and you have to wear that annoyingly shaped sheet of black plastic over your eyes for like half the day after for. lol
Idk if my insurance covers eye tests past the normal ones, but I might look into if I have the time for it, it's not all that important of a thing compared to all my health issues, so it's definitely last on my priority list. Just thought I'd share cause it's kinda weird and interesting how I could go this long not knowing. xD

ALSO I'M NOW 26 AS OF LIKE 24 HOURS AGO LOL
wasn't really on till now, didn't do much but have some awesome cheesecake with my bestie SilentR, and see a movie with my mate, and play a bit of PokeGO. lmao

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Ugh, sorry just more depressed rambling... You really don't have to read this if you're not into personal/emotional/depressing posts, I just kinda felt like whining a bit is all. lol

I really don't feel like I'll be in a position to celebrate it? I mean I got the day off from work, but I haven't been able to draw in WEEKS, so I kinda feel a lil obligated. Plus I really won't be seeing anyone or be treated to anything or getting presents really... I wanted to see a movie with my mate anyway, but I don't think we can afford to, and he completely forgot to get that day off, so he'll be gone for half the day and prob be too tired anyway... and to top it all off, I've just been having a shitty week, so I kinda just expect it to keep going hill for a while like my usual downs... Basically I'm not looking forward to my birthday, and they usually suck or end up going horribly wrong anyway, so I'm dreading and preparing for the worst again. n vn;;;

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Been crazy busy with work, being sick, being tired, suddenly way more hours, way too many bloody noses a day, and a really unhealthy and needy and self-hating mate. He's prob my biggest worry atm, so I work way too hard to keep him happy and healthy and safe. He has no health insurance, no can we afford it, his teeth are falling apart chip by chip and he has painfully exposed nerves because of it. To top things off, his untreated anxiety has reached dangerous levels, and a girl manipulating him into fooling around with her through threats of suicide and harassing her (supposed ex) boyfriend to the point of hitting her intentionally to use him an others, has driven him to dangerous levels of over-stimulation and self-hatred, so I'm working my hardest to make sure he doesn't get any worse.

I know he might be a poor excuse to neglect my art and owed work to some of you, especially to any of you who've read my complaints about him, but I wasn't exactly in a high place myself at the time either. He's the most important thing to me in my life, and no one else helps or understands him like I do, so I'm all he has left for this stuff to boot, even if he doesn't feel he deserves me anymore. I don't know if any of you have been manipulated into intimate situations before, or even as far as rape, ESPECIALLY while in a relationship with someone incredibly important to you, but it's a very scarring experience, and just completely shatters whatever self-worth/self-love you currently have into suicidal levels... My true first loss of my virginity was where I was manipulated and blackmailed into sex with a friend with threats of suicide. It took years of this and in-and-out relationships with him to realize just how much it had destroyed me and turned me into his little puppet... I wouldn't wish this kind of treatment on my worst enemy, it's just disgusting...

Honestly I hate the woman who did this to him far more than I had ever thought was possible within my entire being, I not only wish the worst befalls her but I wish I could be the one to deliver it to her... Not only is she a carbon copy of the man who took me for 7 years of my life, but she KNEW my mate was happily with me, and waited till we were having some struggles to strike to try and tear us apart. I pray she lives in terrible pain for the rest of her disgusting life. I'm only glad that I was able to take him back and out of it before he wound up stuck with her for possibly as long as I was stuck with my ex-friend, or worse even longer. He ignored me after I found out about her because he hated himself so much that he didn't want to plague me with him anymore... I had to calling him crying intensely saying that I still wanted to be him, and he was only convinced I'd truly be happier with him after I continued to say so after he told me all the details about what exactly happened with her. What's worse is that she works with him and even with different shifts she's managing to stalk him with only barely missing him each time, so he still has to deal with her until she finally gives up. Ugh she's even using his BFF to get to him, because he hasn't told him about what happened yet out his anxiety making him paranoid af.

Sorry for the rant lol... ANYWAY YEAH... I'll try to pump out more owed stuff soon. Just please be gentle and patient with me until then. ; w; <3

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I'm quite the recluse, and I know this all too well, and honestly most of you probably don't even think I see you as a friend because I barely speak to you or do anything for/with you. Between work, health, personal life struggles, and my social paranoia... I'm just awful at being a good friend, let alone actually keeping in touch... I really don't deserve most of you, a lot of you are still crazy sweet to me the few times I actually work up the courage to say anything. I really don't know why you guys put up with me, but I love and appreciate you all so, so much~!! ; A;

I wanna try giving back to you guys in some way, with a super special personal species I've made for myself a few weeks ago. So gimme a palette and I'll make you one or two over the span of a couple months~ And if you're unsure if I consider you as one of my friends, just ask here or in a note, chances are I do see you as a friend! And for those who don't want adopts, I might just make you a personal base to use or something~ I'll be working on these inbetween owed stuff and work. And speaking of work; I work Wednesdays now too! Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday is my schedule now, and both of my AMs were super impressed with me this weekend and said they'd talk to my GM about more hours and cross-training and stuff, so yeah might get even busier soon. lol

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They decided to put me on something called Effexor?(sp?) for my anxiety, though the real chem name for it is Venlafaxine, since it's going out of control lately. I just took my first dose just now. Idk how it'll effect me, so... like if I act weird/off for a bit? please try to bear with it, I guess? Alkdfjsdkfl I dun really know. Idk how to feel about all of this, tho most of all I just really hope it helps. ; w;

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I had a panic attack on Wednesday... and I've had tons of them in my lifetime, but this one was so bad I couldn't calm it down at all, I honestly thought I was having a real heart attack or something instead of a panic attack. My heart was freaking out so bad when I first arrived that they actually had me in pretty high priority and on constant watch, they were just as afraid as I was that it was gonna give out. After a while it calmed down to less terrifying numbers, though still pretty rapid/erratic, so they moved me to a different room. Btw I kept like blacking out and coming back to consciousness quick frequently, so I don't remember most of it, this is all what I was told long after I woke up the next day. They took a chest X-ray of me, but I didn't hear about that until I saw a doctor for follow-up just yesterday, and she told me they saw a shadow around/by my heart, so she told me they needed another one in the actual radiology lab for better results. I haven't heard back yet about what they found though. All I know is my chest hurts really bad on an off ever since that "panic attack". That's the worst part, we're still not even sure what happened to me when I went to the ER?? They mumbled panic attack a few times, but my doc had to ask me what they thought it was, BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FINISH ANY OF THEIR NOTES. Only the X-ray was in their notes, like WTF? They also scheduled me for evaluation to figure out what kind of meds I prob need for anxiety, and to talk about restarting my ADHD meds prescription since I haven't taken it in a couple years now because of being too poor.

I'm still pretty weak, and I ran out of codeine and can't pick up a refill until Thursday, so I'm kinda screwed till atleast after this weekend is over since they're closed until then, plus I have work today and tomorrow... ugh this is really gonna suck for a while... ; x;

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So yeah, don't expect much from me socially for a while, until I've collected my thoughts and gotten over things a bit more...

Yeah, just came on to inform you guys really, sorry there's not much else to say.

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My gyno told me to go straight to the ER if I had severe pain and nausea again, so I did. Luckily nothing was wrong, usually those kind of symptoms mean the cyst ruptured, or the cyst wound up twisting the ovary (which can lead to the ovary going septic), but the only thing they found was that there was a small bit of fluid in there from it leaking a tiny bit. This probably agitated things, which was probably why the pain got so much worse, or so they told me anyway, idk anything about cysts. lol

They sent me home with some extra pain killers to take on top of the 600mg Motrin/Ibuprofen I was already given by my gyno. Ten 30mg CODEINE tablets. I just took my first one this morning since I still had the morphine running through me after I got home last night, and this codeine is making me pretty weird, idk how to explain it but I'm kinda "off" from how I normally am, and I think a bit slower with thinking and reacting, so I really can't do much... It's driving me crazy tho, cause I really wanna draw dammit!! I tried drawing while I was in the ER, but it came out looking super scribbly cause of the morphine, so I'd only expect my drawings on codeine to look just as messy. lmao

WITH THIS IN MIND, I still really wanna draw, so Imma do some messy chibi freebies! Just don't expect much quality okay? If you're looking for perfection and accuracy you prob shouldn't be going for freebies anyway tbh, but yeah I can guarantee mine won't be either of those two things... So be gentle if you do post a ref. SO YEAH please post as many refs as you like down below! I want as many options to choose from as I can~ ; w;

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Imma be there the whole weekend, so lemme know if you're going! Also feel free to leave refs? I have some paper and a pen, and I pla n on doodling whenever I sit down to rest. :D

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Not only is my ovarian cyst kicking my ass to the point when I'm basically glued to my bed and heating pad, which is god awfully frustrating (I can't even fucking draw for myself for a lil therapy cause I'm so reliant on this damned heating pad), but FA's pw reset had me kinda locked out for like a week or so. Didn't get back in until last night. So I haven't had much chance to really be active on here, gomen. @ w@;;

You can also find me on DA and Furiffic, though I'm nowhere near as active.
DA: seiokou.deviantart.com
Furiffic: https://www.furiffic.com/Seiokou/info

I am also on Toyhou.se, and trying to give it a few exclusive things, like adopt previews n stuff. :3c
http://toyhou.se/Pandora

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I love it so much and wanna gab about it like a total dork with someone~ ; w;

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It's small, bout 3-4 cm? And my gyno says it's not cancerous and should go away just fine within several weeks... but it's causing me severe pain, and it's REALLY hard to focus on anything... She told me to take 600mgs Motrin/Tylenol every 6 hours, and that I should come in immediately if it still hurts to much even with the pain killers after a few days, but this morning it hurts so bad that even a warm shower + meds wasn't enough to stop me from curling up in the bottom of the tub and bawling my face out while clenching my right lower abdomen. I know she's required by Kaiser to do this procedure first before making any big decisions like deciding it's burst or it twisted my ovary, and put me under for surgery to fix it, put I have work tomorrow, and Saturday, and Sunday, and I REALLY can't afford to have it interfere with my ability work. I'm not only broke AF, but I'm only a few weeks into my new job, so this will make me look SUPER bad, and possibly put me on the chopping block if it interferes enough while I'm on the clock, and it's making me really worried. ; a;

I tried arting a bit earlier last night and this morning to help distract myself (didn't sleep obviously), but I couldn't for very long. I'm mostly saying this hear as a warning to you guys that my trades n owed stuff will prob take a bit longer than I want because there's no way anything I do right now will be good enough quality for you guys, and I don't wanna just get your art out of the way and give you shit work, so I'm only doing crap doodles for myself, maybe requests/gifts, for now until I'm not in so much pain. Thank you all so SO much for being so incredibly patient with me, and I'm really sorry again for more delays, seriously I mean it from the bottom of my heart~! TT ~TT *huggles you all*

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I have comments and notes missing from my inbox. It says they're there, but not when I actually go to look at them. "21C" but not 21C are actually listed. "2N' but everything in my notes inbox is old and already opened and read.

SO I figured I'd try asking here incase it might have been you, and it was something potentially important! I mean if it were me, I'd like to know rather than wait around for a response wondering if they ever even saw what I said, y'know? ; w;

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I'm talking about Clow ofcourse, all my others are MYO and I'm way too attached. lol

I put him up for offers once, but I backed out and kept him because I was still attached to the design, even though I don't like Dreamies anymore and have no room for them in my stories. I had his design repurposed as a Parfume Sprite MONTHS AGO, and recently recieved the finished adopt. I know his Dreamy self will never ever be used ever again, and I know how much people jump after Dreamies still, and how harrassed someon can be for not using one they own enough/right, so I've been cosidering trading the Dreamy so he won't go to waste and will have a propper loving home. I'm pretty sure at this rate that Beau would probably love to get as many Dreamies out of my hands aswell tbh lol. I haven't seen their art in ages, nor do I frequent DA, so I really don't know if there's any rules against this, or any exceptions to this tho? So I'm kinda hesitant to do this since I have no way of contacting the creator.

I still feel bad that the original Dreamy might go to waste tho, so if anyone has any info/advice they could give me, that'd be greatly appreciated. ; w; <3

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Had an appointment this morning, which turned into a couple hours of talking about how Kaiser can't prescribe narcotics for pain anymore, a visit with a PT telling me a I have a very special case for most PT patients, and A LOT of blood work. Spent an hour at McD's afterwords cause I was so starved from all the blood they took for all the different tests they needed. Took about 10 vials? Maybe more. I forget how many. lol

They seem to agree with me about my pains most likely being nerve related, but they have to take a bunch of tests first to be sure of their theories on my diagnosis. Last week I saw my gynecologist for my pelvic exam and pap smear, and she found the area around my right ovary was really painfully sensitive, so I have to go in next monday in radiology to have a pelvic ultrasound to see if my ovary is okay. She said it might also be my intestines, but I'm hoping it's just nothing and I'm just weirdly sensitive there. ; w;

I was still hungry when I got home, so I went to go make myself a sammich, and the short walk into the kitchen made me so woozy... Guess I'll have to wait till my mate gets home. lol

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I was supposed to work from 11:00a-3:30p, but right as I showed up for work this morning, they told me to come back at 4:00p, and work till closing, 10:15p. It's nice because I have time to draw now, but like... they could have called me ahead of time so I atleast didn't waste my time and money getting there, and have to find a way back or wait an hour for another bus?? I also had plans to see a friend and stay over tonight, so I have to wait till next weekend, when I already rescheduled on her last weekend for my sister. It's not a huge problem, but enough of an inconvenience where I'm a lil irritated, ya know?

How about you guys? Has anything stupid like this happened to you at work before? Have any other horror stories from your work you'd love to share? o vo

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It is one of the hardest things to be able to do with anyone about something you've never personally experienced, especially if that someone can't explain it with something you can actually relate to. Many of us say we understand and truly believe we do, when we really don't, but because we don't know it personally, we don't know that we don't really understand. It can make some of us offended at times, and it can also make us feel depressed and alone, but every single time I'm not understood with something I personally experienced, I'm glad but also worried. I'm glad because the person hasn't experienced what I have to be able to understand me, but also worried because they might experience it later on and it's something you can't prevent for them, or sometimes worried because they might have to later on down the road to learn an awful lesson I already have, no matter how much I try to teach it to them so they won't have to.

There are those who don't understand real conditions out there;
Depression (it's not just the normal day to day occasional sadness any normal person feels), it's a real condition, and it can be really debilitating at times, and at it's worst life threatening/ending.
Anxiety, even though it's just as harmful as depression, though it can become very violent for the sufferer, it tends to involve a lot more pushing others away and isolation than self-destruction, although those with one can often have both.
ADHD/ADD, and just like the first two it's just as confused with normal every day experiences for those without it, even though this condition is far worse than that in reality. It causes you to focus on EVERY LITTLE THING all at once, CONSTANTLY, and when this is teamed up with other conditions it can be pretty dangerous.
Paranoia, this one is especially underestimated because of how commonly we use the word in place of others these days. The fear of having no one you can completely trust, and those terrifying thoughts of doubt in others in the back of one's mind can drive just about anyone to madness. It's a very scary condition, and one that makes you feel the most alone and helpless. I wouldn't wish it on even the worst of people.
Bipolar, this one is confusing for even those who have it because of the many types of it, and how difficult it can be to explain them or diagnose them. Those who don't have it can often see it as eccentricity, or mood swings, or even anger management issues, but it is much more than these things sadly, even if it can be similar to them sometimes, it's usually far far worse.

All of these conditions are the most misunderstood because of how invisible they can seem to others, but aside from these conditions being more mental than physical, it's also because of the stigma we've built around these conditions and how dumbed down they've become because of it. A good comparison would actually be my random pain issues; They're most likely a nerve-related condition, but because it's not something that's very visible, it's never really been well understood, and I've been treated like I haven't been trying my hardest every day, like I'm just being a lazy sack of crap, when in reality just about everything I do puts me in some kind of pain. There are plenty of us out there, and this kind of misunderstanding can really get to use at times, and even push us towards giving up, which really isn't fair to anyone because plenty of us out there have a lot to offer, and discouraging us from our paths and talents isn't just hindering us, it's hindering everyone our paths and talents effect and benefit.

Those who don't understand these conditions probably never will, unless/until they experience it themselves. As hard as this may be, please try to think of how relieving that is to know they haven't felt that pain, and be glad for them that they haven't, even if they don't get why you're happy for them. If they are someone you care about but don't respect you for having it, try to forgive them since they don't understand, but don't forgive those who aren't important in your life, your precious limited energy is best spent on yourself and those you hold dear.

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Sorry again for another serious journal, I've just been really contemplative lately, and I really feel like some of this should be shared, especially if I have nothing better to do because of this BS pain of mine. Anyways, I hope this helps someone, and I hope this makes someone feel less alone and more heard out there~ ; w;/

ALSO BONUS TIME! Can anyone guess which of these mental conditions I have? First one to guess correctly gets a free doodle cause I'm bored~ lol (can't guarantee quality though, because of the pain n all xD;; )

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I used to never hear words like this until a few years ago. I've always been bull-headed, and incredibly durable and enduring, and I'm pretty sure I learned to live life this way through my father. He never called in sick no matter how sick he was, and would force us to do the same with school unless we were bad enough where child services would be called on him for it, and he even told me a bandaid was enough for both times I got gaping hole injuries that required 6 or more stitches to fix (one of which was finally treated at a hospital a week later). And as great as this advice can be, it should NEVER be taken to as much of an extreme as my family has. EVER. It's something I had to learn the hard way, sadly.

I always took that advice of "always know your limitations" as an excuse for those less willing to push their limits and better themselves, but in all honesty, both mentalities should be listened to, just not favor one or the other to the extreme. I'm incredibly weak and fragile these days, because I pushed my limits so hard that they deteriorated, and only encouraged more to go wrong with me mentally and physically. I rarely saw doctors for anything when I had no adult complications with being able to see them like I do now, and I regret all of it so much! I'm not sure what caused it, could be many things tbh, but I am certain after today that I have some kind of condition relating to my nerves being out of whack, and it's incredibly debilitating most of the time. I pushed myself so far for success, recognition, and impressing others that I am no longer comfortable with others, and probably far more jaded than I ever should have been. I've even done so much stupid shit that sex is often painful for me now, and even worse, my memory for anything is barely accurate anymore. My extreme levels of pushing myself and selflessness has brought myself to ruin so fast, it's not even funny.

So please... don't do what I did most of my young years (I'll be 26 soon, so I really don't have many left till I'm middle-aged), PLEASE learn your limitations, keep them in mind when you push your limits, and think of yourself more often, even if your family and society has taught you that it's selfish and shunned upon to do so. It's good to care about others, but others certainly care about you by now and would worry about you and probably feel guilty too if you did so!


Sorry for the sudden and seemingly random heartfelt journal. I've been in some intense pains both physically and mentally lately, and it reminded me of these very things I've learned so late in my life. I've tried learning these things before, but only found negative reaction from it, and often still do tbh, because others expect me to be more resilient and ignorant than I am, which only made this learning process become a wash-repeat cycle for about a good 8 years until I became jaded enough to have less faith in others right off the bat. And I know I can't be the only one who's gone through this struggle with how often I've seen someone being attacked for being "selfish" just for thinking of themselves for a change, which is why I really wanted to share this in hopes it reaches out to anyone who's currently struggling with this, or might struggle with this soon enough. So PLEASE, if any of this relates to you at all, please try to learn from my mistakes, or even if you just know someone who this relates to at all, please show this to them or atleast deliver a similar message to them, I don't need any credit for it at all! Again, I know all these sudden feels are probably weirding some of you out, but I just had to say something and try to help, because I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on even my worst of enemies. ; w;

ANYWAYS, I'm in a lot of pain atm, but it's a lot less than this morning, so hopefully I can get to finishing customs later today~

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Why must I be sick?? I was vomiting a lot and had a very high fever uesterday. I couldn't eat because of the vomiting, and it was really hard to sleep at all. I'm still a bit sick, still a slight fever and nausea, along with some fatigue, but nothing compared to yesterday. I have work in a few mins, and I'm really not looking forward to it... I'd call in sick, but I already did yesterday, and this'll only be my 3rd day on the job, so yeah, I'd totes be fired if I did that. Plus I'm better enough to work now, it'll just suck is all since I'm not at 100% right now, so I'd feel bad if I called in any way! ; 3;

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Finished my second day of work today!... My feet/ankles still hurt 3 hours later though. lol

I get paid on the 6th though, so that'll be awesome~ ; w; <3

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Feelin really shitty right now. Just kinda thinking about how much I've bent over backwards for a lot of my friends in life and how little they've appreciated me in return compared to my selfish alcoholic sister, and my mate too. I know it's good riddance n all that smooth jazz if they don't really appreciate me anyway, and I came to terms with all that months ago, but I'm just in one of those random moments where I'm suddenly thinking about all that crap and it's making me feel really unwanted too. Like how is it that people who treat someone horribly be supported for alcoholic hospital visits for YEARS, and I get fucking hated with a passion from that same person when I make an attempt on my life because I'm in a bad place emotionally, when I've been bending over backwards for this person for years without needing/requiring/getting any support in return from them?
I'm trying not to dwell on it, but it's really getting to me for once, and I just had to get it out somewhere, cause I HATE being left alone with these kinds of horrible feeling about myself. Sorry for all the emo, I promise my next journal will b all warm and fluffy...

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