I just started a new channel on Telegram called Sekhmet Peets! Guess what's there? heehee.

https://t.me/sekhmetpeets

I am really not doing well right now. My partner of 13 years died on July 10th, and 45 days later I am, of course, still dealing with emotions. I am just incredibly lonely right now. My love is gone, and while I have found some new friends that seem genuinely concerned about me, I am still having a lot of trouble caring about myself. I just miss him so much! He died from a GI bleed, most likely due to an stomach ulcer. He was passing a lot of blood in his stool, and just passed it off to me as no big deal the night before. Apparently, he started passing a large amount of blood that night, and didn't call an ambulance until I woke up around 10 am. The part I don't understand is, why didn't he call the ambulance himself, instead of waiting for me to wake up? Did he not want to worry me? Did he think it was no big deal? Was the blood loss effecting his reasoning ability? He was not stupid, he knew this was dangerous because he had gone through a similar incident 5 years ago. Did he not care anymore, and just want to die? even if he knew how bad this would hurt me? I know I shouldn't beat myself up, it wasn't my fault, but I just can't shake the feeling that I was somehow responsible. I love him so much, he was the world to me, and now I'm alone and old, and will probably never know a similar love ever again. Doesn't help that I'm an ugly motherfucker. I just feel inherently unlovable. This isn't a new feeling, I'd sometimes ask him why he loved me, and he'd just say that I was "charming" what the fuck does that mean? charming? I know, this is just a big old fucking pity party, I need to grow the fuck up and just move on, or stop. I don't want to stop, but idk if anything will ever feel good again.

As it starts to get warmer, the latex paw make-ups will be coming back. It's difficult to do the latex paws in the winter because the latex gets cold as it sets, due (I think) to alcohol in the latex evaporating. The few times I've done a latex paw session during cold weather the whole experience was quite uncomfortable. It would have started sooner, but for some reason it has been unseasonably cold for spring where I live. If anyone has any color/pattern requests, feel free to 'slide into my PMs' >.>

Well, due to the insanity in the world right now, particularly regarding hate groups, I have decided to change the name of my Fursuit. His name used to be Raider, but I just recently found out about the 'furry raiders' hate group. To avoid any affiliation with such a deplorable organization, His name is now Loup de Gris Vair, Or Gris Vair for short (pronounced like griever)

Currently working on some more latex make-up paws and a WIP toe sock paws inspired by  sormeaan

Recently Adopted a premade partial From  Rhee Gonna take some pictures and post them soon. ^^

My mate and I are in some deep poodoo. We hate to ask for help, but sometimes the quicksand is too strong. I'll let him explain better on his gofundme:

http://www.gofundme.com/s6nygd5f

So, I've been having a really depressing year. Working two jobs, all the money going to rent and bills, not much time to myself, and so not much posted. Halloween is almost upon us again, and as such, I shall try to get a couple Footpaw make-ups done and posted. Any requests? Anyone want to see thier fursonas markings done? Anyone even reading this? :p

So, It's been a while since i did any paw make-ups, and I'm having a block thinking of any designs to do. So I'm asking for any ideas or requests for designs. You can PM me if you have a request or idea, and can ask for credit or not, it's up to you.

http://youtu.be/vLvQYePzsyU

So cool, yet so cheesy. I love it.

this is not me or anyone i know, I just really like the dance they do.

http://youtu.be/lxWqO8_AxkQ

http://youtu.be/azr7c5a_x9c


To give completely
From within yourself
To treat compassion
as the truest form of wealth

No small adjustment
For the average soul
To give yourself away
In order to be whole

To trust completely
With an open heart
To risk the wounds
Of having it all fall apart

Seems paralyzing
With implicit risk
But the packaging
Is not what makes the gift

It isn't weakness
It isn't frailty
It's being Human
And it's sustaining

To love completely
And utterly
To give yourself away
So unselfconsciously

Is altruism
In it's purest form
A kind of otherness
From which ego is torn

It isn't weakness
It isn't frailty
It's being Human
And it's sustaining

File this under "Deal with it" if you must, but something just happened that hurt me deeply. To be honest, I don't even know why it hurt so much, considering I left females far behind when choosing companionship. I just went outside for a cigerette, and a neighbor girl was across the street texting. I had no grand entrance, since i am a quiet person by nature, but neither did i hide myself by trying to be silent. I lit up and when she saw I was outside from the corner of her eye, she looked up and said "eeww" and went inside. I was hurt: not that I'd ever want to try to date her, but that unprovoked, she cut me without a single thought or care about how i felt.

It's the same reaction I've gotten throughout my life. I've been told to my face 3 times that I was "the ugyliest man on earth" when asking for dates. Consequently, I didn't ask much. I never had much hope, and my self-esteem was sub-human. I realize I'm nasty looking, Or it's been drilled into me so much that I consider it 'gospel truth' by this point. I still have problems even considering the idea that someone finds me attractive. I love my boyfriend, but sometimes even he's not enough to make me feel loved (sorry honey ; ;)

Now I realize this is my problem, I have to "deal with it" (sunglasses lower to my face) and other people have their issues, no one is without mental blocks. What bothers me is the lack of any kind of understanding from most people. I didn't ask to be ugly, I don't t beat myself with the ugly stick once a day to maintain my disgusting figure. What got me into furry in the first place was to try for some relief from this sense of outcastness (is that even a word?). Pretty people never have to feel alone or unloved; pretty people never have to pay for attention; pretty people have no idea how much us ugly people envy and loathe them.

Ah well, It's my issue, so I'll get off my soapbox now. I guess what I wanted to convey with this Journal is that: words cut just as deeply as knifes, and leave scars that last far longer. I apologize if this journal has been sappy or more of the 'whiney bitch furry' variety, but I think the world has gotten too callous, too uncaring, and I had to let my feelings out, just once.

So yeah, 5.9 earthquake in Virgina today. I felt it up in Philadelphia, PA. Felt like a car slammed into the side of the house. Not fun, by the time i realized what it was and got to a doorway, it was over. Makes one think just how easily 'mother nature' could rip asunder all that humans have built and call civilization. Well, it made me think that anyway, but I'm known for deep depressing thoughts ;p

well, the rapture failed to happen, no surprise there, unless you count the rapture as being a hell of a lot of fun at fau4! Kinda sad that the christians didn't get taken, woulda made the rest of the planet nice and peaceful.

YAY FAU 4!! Having a blast so far, day 2 just starting, it's 9:34 am right now, getting rdy to shower then head to the hotel. Saw Matthew Ebel's show last night, and my boyfriend caught the cow for me!!! Squeee! I has Ebel Cow! I haven't had this much fun or been this happy for a good long while now. Wish I could do this more often!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urbn41B4yLY

This guy is hilarious, and wow, can that bear dance or what?

ah, christmas, that wonderful time of year when people will push you over to get at that new hot toy, so their spoiled demon-spawn children can play with it for 2 hrs, then go back to eating dirt.

If you couldn't tell, I work retail, and I tell you, it has done wonders for my outlook on human beings. It's sad, but now i view people in general as consumer sheep, willing to buy whatever the fucking corporations tell them to. Children have definately gotten worse. When i was a kid, if i mouthed off to my parents, or worse, started crying over a toy, they'd take me out of the store and beat the living shit out of me, literally. I swear, when did parents become such pussies? Stand up to your spawn, beat them, they'll thank you for it later when they don't end up in prison.

My views may not be popular ones, especially among parents, but learning to fit into a societal group begins with the home. If your kids can get away with things at home, they will try to get away with things elsewhere. Hell, where do you think the prison population started?

Some may say I'm a pessimist. I prefer to think of myself as a optomistic pessimist. I hope and pray that human beings will grow up, I wish humans could learn to not be so greedy and to help those who need it. And yet, i know this will never happen, as long as there are human parasites: those who use the kindness of others for their own gain. So many people I've known in RL won't help anyone anymore, cause of people using them. I'm getting there myself >< It really is a sad world we live in when Schadenfreude is the national pastime.

darkness. mind burning. pain. nightmares. lucidity. nonsense. trials. nothing matters. never any rest. stress. screaming.

why am i here? why do i bother? is there any point? if there is a point, do i care? running out of patience. running out of sympathy. running out of love.

Woooooo Hooooooo! I finally made it to my first convention, FAU: 3! I had a blast! Met quite a few cool furs, got to see 2's show live, and Matthew Ebel as well. I recomend checking out his website at https://www.matthewebel.com , he's like a funky Billy Joel.

PCD has hit hard though, I didn't want to leave QQ I guess that's natural, after having so much fun, but it still sucks.

RosenOtter and I started a new couples sketchbook, I'll upload those pics later, once i have time to scan them.

Can't wait for FAU 4! Hoping life will allow me to go to more cons in the future.

Well, I suppose I should get off my fluffy butt and start posting some journals. What better way to start then a character description?

I am a white furred wolf, very light blue eyes, icy blue almost. I have a paw shaped patch of black fur on my left upper arm. The fur on my toes is black. Average length tail, fluffy and very huggable. I tend to wear blue jeans, black or grey sleeveless t-shirts, and go bare pawed.

I am a limited involuntary shapeshifter, or at least color shifter. When in a good mood or content, my coloration is as stated above, white fur, black markings, icy blue eyes. When i am annoyed or angry, I become a negative of myself. Black fur with white markings, and my eyes become darker, almost grey-blue. The process of this shift is interesting. It starts with the black in my shoulder paw marking and toe fur "bleeding" into the white fur surrounding it, while the markings themselves becoming lighter until they are white. The "bleeding" is gradual, with the black spreading across my body in waves, originating from the source markings.

As evidenced from my shoulder marking, I am into footpaws, and my own footpaws are extremely sensitive. In fact, the quickest way to get me out of "black fur mode" is a nice paw massage. I pretty much turn into putty in someone's hands when this happens.

Ok, there it is. I'm not the most colorfully critter, but i am what i am (^.^)