Ya know what sucks? Having a partner who keeps breaking your heart.

Lemme explain on this one. Back when I was in high school, I met this kid. He was two years younger than I was when I met him, me being a senior, him a sophomore. Mind you, this was back in '09-'10 area, so bear with me on this. I met him in my math class, and back then I was a dick, horribly so.

We became friends, and one day near the end of the school year, I found out he had fallen for me. Why, I don't know; again, I can't see anything good about myself. So, we decided to give it a shot. I know, I know, it's very cliche. However, I was a closet romantic back then. For a while, it was good; we didn't really do much aside from kiss in a bathroom every now and then, a couple of gropes of the ass. Things like that.

However, as things such as these are almost doomed to, it went sour. Not through any fault of ours, mind. Or rather, it could be seen as partly my fault. You see, this is the same guy I was talking about in one of my older journals. The one who's parents see me as the AntiChrist. As stated in that little rant, his parents hated me for trying to give him a spine. We saw each other in secret after that fiasco. He broke up with me through GMail at that time. We tried to stay friends. And for a while, it was working, and we even got together again after a break up. That was right before I went into boot camp for the US Navy.

As stated in the journal, 'Pain', I broke my leg in '11 near the end of boot, and was holed up in Great Lakes for nine months wearing a long leg cast. Trust me when I say that being close to the finish line and having a hand suddenly stop you for the next seven months is hell on earth. After I finally got through my run and the final test, I was put in a hold unit awaiting transfer to my next command. At that time, I was finally able to get on the computer and look through updates and messages. I found out he broke up with me again, this time through the Facebook Messenger. Are you starting to see a pattern here?

Flash forward to December of '12. I was home on leave, and I got a hold of him. We met up at a park near my house, and talked, vented, laughed and smiled. We even tried to get back together at that point. And for a while, it was going good. However, when I went back to base on the other side of the country, the distance is what killed us. It was not working out between us at that point, and between trying to get in shape so I could stay in the service, working for the legal department, and trying to get my leg to the point where I could run on it again (See aforementioned journal Pain for the details on that), I wasn't able to give him the attention he deserved. At that point, I talked to him through the messenger here, and we agreed that we should split up, but remain friends. Yes, it hurt to do it, but I thought we could stay friends.

Turns out, I was wrong. Jump to July of '13, and I know I'm going home from the Navy. I wasn't able to get in shape soon enough to pass the weight and tape for the biannual fitness test. At that point, I contact him, and you know what? He sees me as a demon. I get him to agree to talk to me when I got home in August of that year. So, we meet up, talk, and agree that we don't work as lovers, but we can be friends. However, it eventually got to the point where we tried as a couple again. I met his aunts in September, and I sat down and talked to them. I'll admit I made some mistakes, however, I was uncomfortable. The entire time, I felt like I was being put on a stage in front of a room of people wearing a hat, boots and a smile. In that kind of situation, my automatic defense is to be an asshole. Again, I know I should have stopped myself; looking back on it, it was a train wreck of epic proportions. However, the past is set in stone.

A few days later, while I was helping paint my grandfather's back patio, I get a text from him. We were breaking up, because his aunts said I was a bad person. I said fine, and left it at that. It wasn't until a couple months down the road that the pain and rage set in. I went to him at the store he worked at, and said I would like to talk to him face to face, man to man. He could pick the time and place and bring the entire state of Utah with him, and all I would bring is myself and a neutral party. I just wanted to get the chance to say my piece. His response?

He threatens legal action if I ever so much as talk to him again.

It gets better, though. Out of morbid curiosity, I contacted his latest ex. I told him that I wanted nothing to do with the boy who broke up with me, I was just wondering if it was an amicable break up, or if he was treated the same way I was. His response? To tell me to fuck off and 'fuck you' six times in three half paragraphs. Personally, I find that amazing. I even said what my first name was, but he refused to say who he was. He knew me, however, from high school, where I was a king of assholes. Apparently, I was mean to him. Newsflash in that aspect: I was mean to almost ninety percent of the school. It was a defense mechanism that we'll get into here shortly. He told me that I was the cause for all of our mutual ex' unhappiness, and that I was the one who kept breaking his heart. He told me that it was all my fault that our ex was the way he was. Interesting, don't you think?

The reason for me being an asshole to most of the school is quite simple, yet convoluted at the same time. You see, I was not on good terms with the football team during my sophomore year. In fact, you could say we downright hated each other. The same went for the wrestling team, since most of the same people were on both. Yes, there were a few who I was on good terms with. Even semi-friends, you could say. However, the majority outweighed the minority on that part. I went to California during the spring to be at my great grandmother's funeral. I left the Monday prior, and didn't get back until Friday night. Here's the kicker: During the wake, I received a phone call asking if I was planning to shoot up the school. The reason my name got brought into it was simple: The school's on campus cop was a joke. You see, the standing joke was that if you wanted to commit a crime and were a football player, a wrestler or a basket ball player, do it in front of him. All he would do was wish you good luck on your next game.

So, when he was asked by parents, he would give them my name as the suspect, considering it was given to him by a pair of football players who hated me. He called my parents and said I was planning on shooting up the school. Their response was to tell him that if I was going to shoot the school that Thursday, it was going to take out a lot more than a few students; it would take out the entire building. He demanded how they could say that. The reply? 'He's in California, you dumbass!'

However, the damage was done. Until the midpoint of my senior year, I was unable to wear a long coat or a hoodie without a two person berth in the halls. And those halls were cramped as hell, as they are in most high schools. The asshole persona was created to protect myself from people, all assuming the same thing: Is he going to go ballistic? Will he hurt someone? Does he have a gun?

The point of this entire tale is very simple: I'm getting this all off my chest in a way that won't hurt me in the end. Notice how I never mentioned names? It's because I have no desire to harm the two bastards who I know are both here on this site. I know their names, as well. However, I don't want them to be attacked. Even if asked in a private message, I won't say who they are. Why, you may ask? The answer is simple.

I feel nothing towards them.

You see, it takes a lot for people to get to that point, especially when I thought said person was a friend to me. When I get to the point where I feel nothing for a person, I literally feel nothing for them. Do I wish them ill? No. I don't wish them good, either. I just don't care. This entire journal is designed for one purpose: For me to have closure. Do I care if they see it? No. Do I care if they feel bad? No. Would I call an ambulance if they suddenly collapsed in front of me? Yes, but only because that's the kind of person I am.

Even if the one who broke my heart those three times sees this and realizes the damage done, and comes to me to ask forgiveness, I won't give it. There's nothing to give. He is nothing to me. When I see him at the store he works at, he's just another face in the crowd of shadows.

If you have reached this point, I thank you for reading. If you just 'x'd out of the journal or hit the back button, or just nuked your journals like I do, that doesn't bug me. Again, this entire thing was to give me a chance to speak my mind and get closure for that chapter of my life.

See ya around for the next one. Hopefully, it'll be better than this one.

-Talon De'Tonare
The Black Hydra

Well, for those of you who didn't know, my leg was messed up last year when I was in boot camp. Ever since, they figured out that I was still messed up at every command I was sent to. Because of this, I am now the 'proud'time owner of a steel rod in my right leg.

Ya'll can probably guess that I'm hurting a bit.

Ok, here's how this works. I put up a list of kinks, and you vote for the one you want to see in my next piece. The kinks can and will be almost anything, except a few things I detest, which will be posted on my main page later.

Everyone gets ONE vote per round, and that includes those of you with multiple accounts. If you vote twice, it will be ignored, and your vote next round will not be counted. If we end up with a tie, we get a double hitter where both kinks are used. Also, when I say voting is closed, that means no more votes are counted.

I'm feelin' lazy this round, so send me notes on what kinks you want in round one.

Tell me, what do you say to someone that believes they knows you?

Honestly, I ask this question because I've found myself surrounded by people who keep saying they could write a book about me and be perfectly correct. However, they know close to nothing of who I am, compared to who I act like. Most of the time, I show the face of a sarcastic, smiling, hopeful fool. When I'm alone, however, I can actually be me: A man who is so vastly different from that damned mask, it's near terrifying.

My mother is one of the main reasons I wear that mask. Multiple times, she's broached the subject of my sexuality; mind you, she doesn't know I'm gay. Here's the usual conversation:

"So, have you figured out if you're gay?"

"No, Mom, I'm still not sure."

"Well, I can tell you now that you're not gay; you can't just decide if you're gay or not, you know."

"I know, Mom."

"Gale, gay or straight, I will always love you. But I know you're not gay; I had a friend in California when I was your age who was, and you don't show any of the signs he did."

Get the picture?

So many times, I've wanted to scream at her the truth. So many times, I've worked up the courage to tell her, 'I'm gay, Mom!!' that I can tell when it's going to happen like clock work. However, every time, she'll start the conversation, and she'll always use that same damned phrase somewhere that absolutely destorys my confidence.

'I know you're not gay, Gale, because I had a friend in Califorian when I was your age who was, and you don't show any of the signs he did.'

So, I ask again: What do you say to someone who believes they know you? If you have an answer to it, I'd love to hear it.

I'm sure as hell out of ideas.

1) Who are you?
2) Are we friends?
3) When and how did we meet?
4) Would you kiss me?
5) Give me a nickname and explain why.
6) Describe me in 1 word.
7) What was your first impression of me?
8) Do you still think the same?
9) What reminds you of me?
10) If you could give me anything, what would it be?
11) How well do you know me?
12) Are you gonna put this in your journal and see what I say about you?
13) Would you meet up with me?

Has anyone noticed that most people take others at face value? Truely, it seems that people prefer the facade to the real deal.

The reason I bring this up is quite simple: The parents of a good friend of mine see me as little better than the spawn of Satan. It's not my sexuality, nor my goals in life; those aren't the problem, considering their son is gay.

No, the problem is that I stand by my choices, rather than let my family choose for me. So, in keeping with logical stupidity, they banned their seventeen year old son from seeing, speaking to, or even contacting the source of his growing spine: Me. And here's the worst part.

He's listening to them.

So, now the work that took me a year and a half to create with painstaking care and limitless patience... Is gone in a matter of days. Tell me, what's a lynx to do against that kind of power?

Canibalisim.

As we all know, obviously, FA was down for a period of a couple of days. So, I bet there will be a small flood of submissions, journals, comments, favorites, and watches.

I am, honorably,
Glacialis Umbra Caelum Shadewing
The Servant of Death's Embrace

That's right, ladies and gents, everyone's favorite sadist is now 18, and he's ready to take on the world. But is the world ready for him?

That has yet to be decided....

Anyway, that's not all we have for this journal.

I have the distinct honor of now working for a haunted house, known as Purgatory. My role is that of an insane clown named 'Giggles'. And, actually, I have a partner, who's already worked as an insane clown before; the two of us hit it off as friends almost immediately. I guess we'll call him 'Slash' until I can think up a good nickname for him.

Anyway, opening day is the 29th of August, so when that hits, I won't be around as much. Sorry, but that's often just the way it is.

Until next time!

I am, honorably,
Glacialis Umbra Caelum Shadewing
The Servant of Death's Embrace

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen.

To those who worried about me (IE: Trig and Cal. xD), I would like to relieve that worry by saying the diagnosis was incorrect. As it turns out, I'd gotten a very bad case of food poisoning. n.n; Yeah, I know, there's a BIG FREAKIN' DIFFERENCE between FP and IF. Again, I apologize for that.

Anyway, while I still wonder why you're reading this, I will elaborate on who I am. However, I don't know much more to add about myself in ways that would keep me from sounding like I'm bragging. Instead, I'll allow Cal, Trig, and Yaoi Luv (If he ever reads this damned thing!!!) to describe me to their hearts content.

That's right, boys, you get to play a round of 'Toss the Tomatoe at the Lynx'! Have fun with it, and I suggest you go all out. I'm quite sure you can describe me through another pair of eyes quite well.

I am, honorably,
Glacialis Umbra Caelum Shadewing
The Servant of Death's Embrace

Ladies and Gentlemen, children and furs of all ages! Welcome to the warped reality that is my mind!

I am the ring master of this twisted place, Glacialis Umbra Caelum Shadewing; Gale for short. I am a silver lynx with a pair of black feathered wings sprouting from my back. My muzzle, neck, chest and arms are covered in tribal tattoos; don't ask where I got the designs for them, because I am their deisgner.

A small bit about myself, if you didn't already read my profile: I am sadistic, hateful, and blut as a hammer. However, amazingly enough, another feline has been able to break through that icy shell and reach my withered and buried heart. That feline is none other than the famous Lupinrager, Also Known As the chimera Caloy Kima.

You have a rare spectecal tonight, my friends! Under usual circumstances, I am in perfect health with nothing bogging me down. However, It turns out I have contracted a case of intestinal flu! So, I must say that I am unable to give you a true account of who I am for now. I will save that for another day.

I am, honorably,
Glacialis Umbra Caelum Shadewing
The Servant of Death's Embrace