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Just thoughts
Posted a year agoArt thoughts first. As I mentioned on my recent-ish portrait, recently my life has been at a bit of a turning point; a mostly positive one, I suppose, but I still feel uncertain about things.
At least lately I've been able to get back into art a bit, which has been nice. Not a lot, because on average I'm having long and busy days more often than I did in other years, and I still have to manage my energy all the same.
I'm finding that even so, I'm coming back to my art projects more easily, which is a good thing. And I'm also spending more time on other non-art projects than I used to be able to, so basically also trying to divide my time between things.
When I can, art-wise, I've been working on a full-ish body shot of Nox because thinking about the designs and the wings thing started to make me want to address that, as I hadn't really looked at any of my secondary sonas in a while. Also been working on the banner I want to put up on my profile here, though the character drawing has kind of taken priority for now. As often in the past,
Akorr has been very helpful in terms of back-and-forth discussion about art, which has also served as a motivator in both cases.
Other thoughts now. On the weekend I read that Dragoneer had passed away, which I was a bit surprised by. I didn't know him but have always been aware of his role with FA even when I first started using the site back in 2007 or so. Just a bit ago before I started writing this, I saw the newer journal announcement about the fundraiser and was kind of glad to see the goal had been met, I donated what I felt I could too even so, because I know that life and unfortunate circumstances are something hard to deal with, fully aware that every little bit can help.
About 3 years ago I lost a friend (they had a very pervasive form of cancer), and last year we lost some work colleagues; the thing that always strikes me about someone's passing is that there is so much they knew and experienced that they were never able to share with you, either because you didn't ask or because the opportunity didn't present itself. Also 3 years ago, I started writing a draft to Dragoneer because I was curious about some of the community's and site's history, as well as how the website was used then vs. now, taking his particular experience into special account.
I'm sure I've said something like this before... Do what you can, when you can, because you might not get the chance to do it later. I never completed that draft. We might not be able to do something because of our own health, as I am familiar with, and we might not be able to do something because sometimes stuff happens outside of us that stops what we wanted to do from being a possibility.
Simply... Sometimes a door closes which you can never, ever, open again.
At least lately I've been able to get back into art a bit, which has been nice. Not a lot, because on average I'm having long and busy days more often than I did in other years, and I still have to manage my energy all the same.
I'm finding that even so, I'm coming back to my art projects more easily, which is a good thing. And I'm also spending more time on other non-art projects than I used to be able to, so basically also trying to divide my time between things.
When I can, art-wise, I've been working on a full-ish body shot of Nox because thinking about the designs and the wings thing started to make me want to address that, as I hadn't really looked at any of my secondary sonas in a while. Also been working on the banner I want to put up on my profile here, though the character drawing has kind of taken priority for now. As often in the past,
Akorr has been very helpful in terms of back-and-forth discussion about art, which has also served as a motivator in both cases.Other thoughts now. On the weekend I read that Dragoneer had passed away, which I was a bit surprised by. I didn't know him but have always been aware of his role with FA even when I first started using the site back in 2007 or so. Just a bit ago before I started writing this, I saw the newer journal announcement about the fundraiser and was kind of glad to see the goal had been met, I donated what I felt I could too even so, because I know that life and unfortunate circumstances are something hard to deal with, fully aware that every little bit can help.
About 3 years ago I lost a friend (they had a very pervasive form of cancer), and last year we lost some work colleagues; the thing that always strikes me about someone's passing is that there is so much they knew and experienced that they were never able to share with you, either because you didn't ask or because the opportunity didn't present itself. Also 3 years ago, I started writing a draft to Dragoneer because I was curious about some of the community's and site's history, as well as how the website was used then vs. now, taking his particular experience into special account.
I'm sure I've said something like this before... Do what you can, when you can, because you might not get the chance to do it later. I never completed that draft. We might not be able to do something because of our own health, as I am familiar with, and we might not be able to do something because sometimes stuff happens outside of us that stops what we wanted to do from being a possibility.
Simply... Sometimes a door closes which you can never, ever, open again.
We now return to "Return to Art" - interrupted by ADHD...
Posted a year agoIn my last journal entry, I mentioned some new health issues I've been dealing with lately, which don't matter right now, as well as the difficulties I've had with sticking to art goals and finishing pieces. So, after looking into the motivation and focus problems I mentioned and somehow managing to have them promptly investigated, I was actually diagnosed with ADHD like a week ago. So now I'm waiting to start medication for it, and just having that pending me makes me feel kinda paralysed, like I can't fully focus on anything else because it's this huge distraction.
"Oh, but Shadow, everybody and their mother has ADHD these days!" Well, not really. It's estimated around 5-10% of kids and 3-5% of adults have it, so we're talking 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 at worst, respectively. The odds of running into someone with an actual ADHD diagnosis aren't that far-fetched but still, over 90% of the population doesn't have it. Heck, based on the statistics, there are probably around 25-50* or so of my watchers who have it too, maybe more since there seems to be more neurodiversity in the furry community. As a bit of extra context, ADHD is a neurological thing where the brain actually develops and functions differently compared to neurotypical people. So it's not something to be taken lightly, which is why the medications used to treat it can have very different (and very BAD) effects on people without an ADHD diagnosis. "Don't do meth, kids!" Or, do, if your brain literally needs it.
The diagnosis has really helped me understand why I struggle so much with following through on goals and projects, even things I genuinely want to do and why I have related so well to the difficulties my friends with ADHD face. The diagnosis has given me some release about the level of mental care and attention I place on certain things, I feel less bad about not doing things I want or even need to do. I still want to do them. I had no idea how much of an impact executive dysfunction and other ADHD symptoms were having. I've just kinda adapted to managing the symptoms my whole life without knowing that's what I was doing and it explains so much about my childhood difficulties and issues at school. All the coping techniques I've developed for staying on point, avoiding both internal and external distractions, and so on? All really common ADHD strategies that I discovered, on my own, over the years. Even more recently I have been using tools like LLMs to help me get started with tasks and to help myself get organised about things I want (or need) to do, including this entry.
It explains why, despite feeling less depressed and anxious lately, I still find it so hard to actually enjoy hobbies and interests, including art. In my head there's about a million things I want to be doing or working on. Art is just one of the things I really do want to focus on - I mentioned in my last entry that one of my short-term goals was to create a new profile picture, but I still haven't managed to even touch my sketch again.
I am not joking when I say you're literally shouting in your head to make yourself do the thing, and you just, don't... Like, something is at the top of your list of things to do and you really want to do it and every time you try, someone's turning you around and making you jump off the cliff and start at the bottom. It's incredibly frustrating and again, I just assumed everyone else had to deal with this. There are so many sequences, patterns and rituals to everything people like me do, just to get ourselves to actually do the thing we want to do. The ridiculous thing is that often those sequences or rituals have absolutely nothing to do with the thing you want to be doing when you have ADHD.
"Oh, but Shadow, everybody and their mother has ADHD these days!" Well, not really. It's estimated around 5-10% of kids and 3-5% of adults have it, so we're talking 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 at worst, respectively. The odds of running into someone with an actual ADHD diagnosis aren't that far-fetched but still, over 90% of the population doesn't have it. Heck, based on the statistics, there are probably around 25-50* or so of my watchers who have it too, maybe more since there seems to be more neurodiversity in the furry community. As a bit of extra context, ADHD is a neurological thing where the brain actually develops and functions differently compared to neurotypical people. So it's not something to be taken lightly, which is why the medications used to treat it can have very different (and very BAD) effects on people without an ADHD diagnosis. "Don't do meth, kids!" Or, do, if your brain literally needs it.
The diagnosis has really helped me understand why I struggle so much with following through on goals and projects, even things I genuinely want to do and why I have related so well to the difficulties my friends with ADHD face. The diagnosis has given me some release about the level of mental care and attention I place on certain things, I feel less bad about not doing things I want or even need to do. I still want to do them. I had no idea how much of an impact executive dysfunction and other ADHD symptoms were having. I've just kinda adapted to managing the symptoms my whole life without knowing that's what I was doing and it explains so much about my childhood difficulties and issues at school. All the coping techniques I've developed for staying on point, avoiding both internal and external distractions, and so on? All really common ADHD strategies that I discovered, on my own, over the years. Even more recently I have been using tools like LLMs to help me get started with tasks and to help myself get organised about things I want (or need) to do, including this entry.
It explains why, despite feeling less depressed and anxious lately, I still find it so hard to actually enjoy hobbies and interests, including art. In my head there's about a million things I want to be doing or working on. Art is just one of the things I really do want to focus on - I mentioned in my last entry that one of my short-term goals was to create a new profile picture, but I still haven't managed to even touch my sketch again.
I am not joking when I say you're literally shouting in your head to make yourself do the thing, and you just, don't... Like, something is at the top of your list of things to do and you really want to do it and every time you try, someone's turning you around and making you jump off the cliff and start at the bottom. It's incredibly frustrating and again, I just assumed everyone else had to deal with this. There are so many sequences, patterns and rituals to everything people like me do, just to get ourselves to actually do the thing we want to do. The ridiculous thing is that often those sequences or rituals have absolutely nothing to do with the thing you want to be doing when you have ADHD.
Return to Art
Posted a year agoIt's only barely been two months and this year has not been good for my health; since my last journal I actually developed two new issues, one of which I'm on a waiting list for and the other is pending initial assessment (at the end of this week). It has not been fun even just having a cold as well in the last few days.
One thing has recently improved a little at least: my drawing arm shoulder, which had pretty much been a 24/7 problem for the last 6 years or so. It's not fixed, but it generally aches a lot less. It's also less noisy.
This, plus the fact that I have had motivational help from some close friends, has meant that I have actually started practising very lightly again, both on paper and digitally. My main short-term art goal is to create a new profile picture at the very least. Long-term, I really would like to get back into doing commissions and just doing fuller pieces again.
I don't have a good idea in my head of what I want to do about commissions exactly, I just know that the structure of it will change and I want to have a different approach to certain parts of it all and want to be clearer about what I can do. I have said this before I'm sure, the pricing will change; and I accept that this may mean I won't actually get asked to do them as much. At this point it doesn't bother me, I could never produce enough work to sustain myself from commissions anyway and it's become more important to me for the motivational factors to feel right.
I do know I need to address my Patreon. In the future I do not see myself able to maintain the regularity of uploads I had there, so I might just have to sort of wrap it up or something, as it never had any real amount of interest anyway and at some point it stopped being the effective motivator it had once been for my regular art practise.
(v rambling bit below v)
Surely by now at least one person might have noticed that I have problems with medium/long-term art goals in particular. A third thing that needs investigating, if I ever get the opportunity to actually speak to someone about it, is about this issue.
Between 2020 and 2022 I made, at a low estimate, approximately 2,600 drawings, of which, a very small portion became either commissions or other things I posted here. I can't estimate very well how many of the drawings were pure practise versus ideas/concepts, sometimes the two things overlapped. I have mentioned some of these figures before, the point here is only to illustrate how few of the idea sketches I actually turned into full pieces, despite having a lot of motivation and interest in doing so. There are many ideas I still really want to start as full pieces, let alone finish, and which I simply know I never will.
Over the years I have tried very hard to employ many self-motivation techniques to finish both personal and non-personal works and projects. Even when I really want to finish something, I often don't and I have learned from a friend that this is part of something called "executive dysfunction" and it's affected me my entire life, just never had a name for it; the only real reason I have ever finished literally all commissions (save for one) is because of the strong sense that I have entered into a (somewhat informal) contract with someone and that I must honour my side of it, more particularly if the commissioner's interest remains high and loops back into my own motivation; money is a motivational factor because if I feel financially unrewarded, I'd rather be doing something else I can enjoy more.
Strangely, it only dawned on me after a comment the other day that I almost do not really enjoy making art at all; I enjoy the products of creativity involving myself, and if the motivation is correct, involving a commission or request; my personal pieces mean the most to me though. But, all of my experience with making art is just kind of... Intense, painful and uncomfortable, not to mention often frustrating. Much more than half of my own personal ideas and works never move past an early "post-sketch" phase at best.
TLDR of rambling: I enjoy its products but art is hard for me and hardly enjoyable as an activity.
One thing has recently improved a little at least: my drawing arm shoulder, which had pretty much been a 24/7 problem for the last 6 years or so. It's not fixed, but it generally aches a lot less. It's also less noisy.
This, plus the fact that I have had motivational help from some close friends, has meant that I have actually started practising very lightly again, both on paper and digitally. My main short-term art goal is to create a new profile picture at the very least. Long-term, I really would like to get back into doing commissions and just doing fuller pieces again.
I don't have a good idea in my head of what I want to do about commissions exactly, I just know that the structure of it will change and I want to have a different approach to certain parts of it all and want to be clearer about what I can do. I have said this before I'm sure, the pricing will change; and I accept that this may mean I won't actually get asked to do them as much. At this point it doesn't bother me, I could never produce enough work to sustain myself from commissions anyway and it's become more important to me for the motivational factors to feel right.
I do know I need to address my Patreon. In the future I do not see myself able to maintain the regularity of uploads I had there, so I might just have to sort of wrap it up or something, as it never had any real amount of interest anyway and at some point it stopped being the effective motivator it had once been for my regular art practise.
(v rambling bit below v)
Surely by now at least one person might have noticed that I have problems with medium/long-term art goals in particular. A third thing that needs investigating, if I ever get the opportunity to actually speak to someone about it, is about this issue.
Between 2020 and 2022 I made, at a low estimate, approximately 2,600 drawings, of which, a very small portion became either commissions or other things I posted here. I can't estimate very well how many of the drawings were pure practise versus ideas/concepts, sometimes the two things overlapped. I have mentioned some of these figures before, the point here is only to illustrate how few of the idea sketches I actually turned into full pieces, despite having a lot of motivation and interest in doing so. There are many ideas I still really want to start as full pieces, let alone finish, and which I simply know I never will.
Over the years I have tried very hard to employ many self-motivation techniques to finish both personal and non-personal works and projects. Even when I really want to finish something, I often don't and I have learned from a friend that this is part of something called "executive dysfunction" and it's affected me my entire life, just never had a name for it; the only real reason I have ever finished literally all commissions (save for one) is because of the strong sense that I have entered into a (somewhat informal) contract with someone and that I must honour my side of it, more particularly if the commissioner's interest remains high and loops back into my own motivation; money is a motivational factor because if I feel financially unrewarded, I'd rather be doing something else I can enjoy more.
Strangely, it only dawned on me after a comment the other day that I almost do not really enjoy making art at all; I enjoy the products of creativity involving myself, and if the motivation is correct, involving a commission or request; my personal pieces mean the most to me though. But, all of my experience with making art is just kind of... Intense, painful and uncomfortable, not to mention often frustrating. Much more than half of my own personal ideas and works never move past an early "post-sketch" phase at best.
TLDR of rambling: I enjoy its products but art is hard for me and hardly enjoyable as an activity.
Not dead, essentially
Posted 2 years agoMuch like my closing journal for 2022, this closing entry for 2023 can only sum up the year as "disappointing" at best with regards to art. Between getting very busy, struggling with specific pain issues and with managing my energy and then unexpectedly having to take on extra load, I just wasn't able to be both physically able and emotionally motivated enough to do artwork. A large problem which continues is the fact I don't have enough space to even get back into traditional art, which would really help me with motivation and which generally feels easier to drop in and out of for me; this problem also affects my ability to do other work unrelated to art and I have just felt continuously demotivated for the last 2-3 years even if I have been mentally coping "okay" with life.
As for pain, about a month before my birthday, I had to stay in hospital for a problem which has not yet passed and although the pain has settled a bit for now, I am still dealing with pain issues from this.
The pain I developed in my thumbs the previous year did ease off a little, as did the chest pain, but my hand/finger pain in general has been getting worse to the point that it's difficult to use something like a brush for more than 20 minutes and I think I'm honestly going to struggle with some of the work I'm expected to be doing later this year; very soon into this year I'm going to see if I can get it checked in case it's RA, as it is a typical comorbid thing for people with health conditions like mine.
Besides that, for some years I have had problems with my drawing arm's shoulder in particular too, which has been getting worse over time, making it difficult to seriously get into drawing again. My short-distance sight has gotten worse this year too and I find that when doing things at this distance, it just compounds my existing fatigue issues.
It's incredibly unlikely my health will improve much in the next few years, this is expected progression really. It is difficult enough to get support as is even when something can be done and as I continue to struggle more with many physical tasks, it's just going to get harder to properly do and finish things I enjoy which require a lot of effort on all fronts, like art.
I appreciate that even during this long period without any new artwork there were still a few new watchers, though if I actually get into making or even finishing any artwork this year, I'm afraid it's likely to be mostly personal works. I am almost certain that I will not take on any commissions or requests this year either unless it was for a friend, because I'll have enough work from life as is and frankly it's just hard to say I'd be able to complete anything when dealing with my issues, and since I've been without proper practise for such a long time now.
As for pain, about a month before my birthday, I had to stay in hospital for a problem which has not yet passed and although the pain has settled a bit for now, I am still dealing with pain issues from this.
The pain I developed in my thumbs the previous year did ease off a little, as did the chest pain, but my hand/finger pain in general has been getting worse to the point that it's difficult to use something like a brush for more than 20 minutes and I think I'm honestly going to struggle with some of the work I'm expected to be doing later this year; very soon into this year I'm going to see if I can get it checked in case it's RA, as it is a typical comorbid thing for people with health conditions like mine.
Besides that, for some years I have had problems with my drawing arm's shoulder in particular too, which has been getting worse over time, making it difficult to seriously get into drawing again. My short-distance sight has gotten worse this year too and I find that when doing things at this distance, it just compounds my existing fatigue issues.
It's incredibly unlikely my health will improve much in the next few years, this is expected progression really. It is difficult enough to get support as is even when something can be done and as I continue to struggle more with many physical tasks, it's just going to get harder to properly do and finish things I enjoy which require a lot of effort on all fronts, like art.
I appreciate that even during this long period without any new artwork there were still a few new watchers, though if I actually get into making or even finishing any artwork this year, I'm afraid it's likely to be mostly personal works. I am almost certain that I will not take on any commissions or requests this year either unless it was for a friend, because I'll have enough work from life as is and frankly it's just hard to say I'd be able to complete anything when dealing with my issues, and since I've been without proper practise for such a long time now.
Status update
Posted 3 years agoIt's been a while since I've been posting anything regularly so I just thought I'd bring up the usual "what's going on"; it's been quite a while since the last status update too.
We've been busy wrapping up a couple of big things and while that's good, we're probably still going to be fairly busy for the rest of this year. I'm uncertain where that will leave me as far as drawing availability goes, though I think it's safe for me to assume that I will probably be unable to get back into commissions any time "soon".
Still, I will be doing my best to keep posting sketches to Patreon with some regularity - at least once per month or ideally twice per month, which always used to be more or less the case in the past. At the moment this is one of the main motivations I have for keeping up with drawing practise and drawing in general. (Also, a thank you to all who have been/are Patrons, it's very appreciated)
All that said, I'll probably try to do some Macro March posts/MM streaming thing when the time comes. Might still be too busy and/or tired to be very regular with it, though as I say, I would still like to try.
We've been busy wrapping up a couple of big things and while that's good, we're probably still going to be fairly busy for the rest of this year. I'm uncertain where that will leave me as far as drawing availability goes, though I think it's safe for me to assume that I will probably be unable to get back into commissions any time "soon".
Still, I will be doing my best to keep posting sketches to Patreon with some regularity - at least once per month or ideally twice per month, which always used to be more or less the case in the past. At the moment this is one of the main motivations I have for keeping up with drawing practise and drawing in general. (Also, a thank you to all who have been/are Patrons, it's very appreciated)
All that said, I'll probably try to do some Macro March posts/MM streaming thing when the time comes. Might still be too busy and/or tired to be very regular with it, though as I say, I would still like to try.
Year's last journal
Posted 3 years agoThis year hasn't really gone as expected at all. I've thought this over a few times and the main word I'd have to use to sum it up would be "disappointing", primarily on the art front; I had so many things I wanted to touch and for which I hardly had a chance for. This last third/quarter of the year in particular was the worst for that and when I've had free time, the main thing I've wanted to do has actually been "nothing" and my drawing practise has suffered greatly for it.
At some point through this period I started getting pain in my fingers, my thumbs especially, probably because of a couple of things we had to do. This made a lot of common things difficult to do and at the moment it's sort of died back a bit, enough that most things are manageable again at least. It made me really think about art more than usual though, because whenever I have wanted to work on anything, there's been a mix of that and the tiredness and so trying to work on anything has been a real push (mentally speaking); in my mind this is probably always going to remain the primary issue with any short or long-term chronic pain and fatigue, the fact that it makes me avoidant (or unable) of doing things I otherwise want to do.
A big motivation factor cropped up during this time too, especially with regards to paid artwork, which I'm seriously reconsidering about taking on in the future, at least in the current format. I'm certain I've mentioned it here and there to people but the effort-to-reward feeling is only just barely there for me (except in some situations) and I felt worse about this, when, this year I saw a local artist's artwork and what they were selling it for (high figures that I didn't think were unreasonable for the effort-quality), while also actually selling almost all their original pieces. This artist obviously doesn't undersell themself and manages to make way more than a minimum wage on their work; it was definitely a year's work that was for sale and which sold, but the work I saw sold also accounted for a more than reasonable year's wage. And of course they'll still sell prints of the original works after that.
Sometimes this aspect of pricing really annoys me with some artists, because some have a technical level that's great and then they go and charge mediocre or even absurdly cheap prices for what they can do; when you have problems with energy like me, this just seems ridiculous, as in my case I only have certain windows of time during which I can produce reasonably OK artwork, nevermind all the time you spend trying to improve on technique, observing mistakes, deconstructing artwork, and as my mate reminds me, all the time I've spent learning art at school, tangentially at university, and under painting tutorship. Plus the actual focus required to draw and paint. After all that how can some artists (not thinking only of FA here) be undervaluing themselves? Even if it's a hobby, I kinda just don't get it.
Plus, all the time that I spend having to discuss the work with people, before and during the process, especially people with whom communication is either not as easy or who are vague; to some degree, I really do understand though, it's just the annoyance of me being unable to do something about it, especially when I already try to make all my communication as clear as possible every time.
So after all that, to then charge a final sum that often ends up being below minimum wage and which requires all that effort and prior knowledge and training, I really feel demotivated from wanting to do more, despite the fact that I like the process and despite the fact that I really like that a commissioner basically has a creative vision too that I'm (hopefully) helping with. Money-wise, I do much prefer to end up doing manual labour with some amount of thinking involved, because the effort-reward ratio there for me feels good, like actually good, even at minimum wage levels.
Next year, I don't know when I'll get back to doing any artwork, but judging by the current loads we have on, probably not for a couple of months. Sort of given up trying to figure out times accurately at this point. As you will gather, when I do return to doing artwork, it's unlikely I'll take on commissions again without completely rethinking how I go about them.
At some point through this period I started getting pain in my fingers, my thumbs especially, probably because of a couple of things we had to do. This made a lot of common things difficult to do and at the moment it's sort of died back a bit, enough that most things are manageable again at least. It made me really think about art more than usual though, because whenever I have wanted to work on anything, there's been a mix of that and the tiredness and so trying to work on anything has been a real push (mentally speaking); in my mind this is probably always going to remain the primary issue with any short or long-term chronic pain and fatigue, the fact that it makes me avoidant (or unable) of doing things I otherwise want to do.
A big motivation factor cropped up during this time too, especially with regards to paid artwork, which I'm seriously reconsidering about taking on in the future, at least in the current format. I'm certain I've mentioned it here and there to people but the effort-to-reward feeling is only just barely there for me (except in some situations) and I felt worse about this, when, this year I saw a local artist's artwork and what they were selling it for (high figures that I didn't think were unreasonable for the effort-quality), while also actually selling almost all their original pieces. This artist obviously doesn't undersell themself and manages to make way more than a minimum wage on their work; it was definitely a year's work that was for sale and which sold, but the work I saw sold also accounted for a more than reasonable year's wage. And of course they'll still sell prints of the original works after that.
Sometimes this aspect of pricing really annoys me with some artists, because some have a technical level that's great and then they go and charge mediocre or even absurdly cheap prices for what they can do; when you have problems with energy like me, this just seems ridiculous, as in my case I only have certain windows of time during which I can produce reasonably OK artwork, nevermind all the time you spend trying to improve on technique, observing mistakes, deconstructing artwork, and as my mate reminds me, all the time I've spent learning art at school, tangentially at university, and under painting tutorship. Plus the actual focus required to draw and paint. After all that how can some artists (not thinking only of FA here) be undervaluing themselves? Even if it's a hobby, I kinda just don't get it.
Plus, all the time that I spend having to discuss the work with people, before and during the process, especially people with whom communication is either not as easy or who are vague; to some degree, I really do understand though, it's just the annoyance of me being unable to do something about it, especially when I already try to make all my communication as clear as possible every time.
So after all that, to then charge a final sum that often ends up being below minimum wage and which requires all that effort and prior knowledge and training, I really feel demotivated from wanting to do more, despite the fact that I like the process and despite the fact that I really like that a commissioner basically has a creative vision too that I'm (hopefully) helping with. Money-wise, I do much prefer to end up doing manual labour with some amount of thinking involved, because the effort-reward ratio there for me feels good, like actually good, even at minimum wage levels.
Next year, I don't know when I'll get back to doing any artwork, but judging by the current loads we have on, probably not for a couple of months. Sort of given up trying to figure out times accurately at this point. As you will gather, when I do return to doing artwork, it's unlikely I'll take on commissions again without completely rethinking how I go about them.
Not sure what to say
Posted 3 years agoMy dog died today, she was almost 20; we don't know for sure because her age was unknown to us when I got her. I guess what I hate about it is that I hadn't seen her much in the last few years because she was still with my family, so since in the last couple of years I haven't been able to go see them, the last time I saw her or had any direct interaction with her was at least two or three years ago. Every so often just losing myself in thoughts, especially since I have a few things at home here that remind me of her.
Sorry for disabling comments. I appreciate they may be heart-felt, but I don't really want any sympathy comments. Mostly I just need to process this and as I'm too tired lately to be getting (almost) any art done at the moment, writing something about this is the easiest way.
Sorry for disabling comments. I appreciate they may be heart-felt, but I don't really want any sympathy comments. Mostly I just need to process this and as I'm too tired lately to be getting (almost) any art done at the moment, writing something about this is the easiest way.
Quick status update
Posted 3 years agoNot much to say here. Basically just still quite busy, this particular job is getting closer to being finished, though other things have already built up to do afterwards too.
Been far too tired to do much of anything art-related for the free time I've had; when I'm home there are still things to do and when I have a moment to myself I don't want to do anything but listen to music and catch up on several things or play something semi-mindless or grindy.
Think last week I've worked a bit on a fan-art piece and that's mostly been it, besides the very little practise drawing I've felt able to do. Annoyingly, in a way I'm kinda concerned that it'll feel difficult to get back into it when I do have more time again. I have historically always had a skill-lag with myself whenever I've had long periods between doing much art, especially with colouring; I kinda forget how to go about certain things if I don't do them for more than a week or two.
Been far too tired to do much of anything art-related for the free time I've had; when I'm home there are still things to do and when I have a moment to myself I don't want to do anything but listen to music and catch up on several things or play something semi-mindless or grindy.
Think last week I've worked a bit on a fan-art piece and that's mostly been it, besides the very little practise drawing I've felt able to do. Annoyingly, in a way I'm kinda concerned that it'll feel difficult to get back into it when I do have more time again. I have historically always had a skill-lag with myself whenever I've had long periods between doing much art, especially with colouring; I kinda forget how to go about certain things if I don't do them for more than a week or two.
Closing commissions for now
Posted 3 years agoI'll work on anything that was already reserved or in-progress, although won't be taking on any other new commissions for the time being, mostly because of how life has been going lately. Really can't say when I expect to open again.
If I had reserved a slot for someone and you are no longer interested in getting a commission, please let me know so I can keep myself organised. Thank you.
If I had reserved a slot for someone and you are no longer interested in getting a commission, please let me know so I can keep myself organised. Thank you.
Patreon/changes & related thoughts
Posted 3 years agoPatreon
It's been just over two years now since I first started a Patreon account and while the support has only come from a few, I have greatly appreciated it. After all this time I've finally decided that it's time I reworked my tiers and reworded a bunch of stuff.
Usually, I aim to make sketches posts every couple of weeks on Patreon and originally I had intended to do timelapses and other stuff for higher tiers every so often, but considering that was only ever picked up once and it took me a while to prepare any of that stuff, I've decided I'm going to discontinue the higher tiers.
So now there will only be two tiers. A £1 tier and a £5 tier, both of which will remain as they are;
- The £1 tier will continue to have access to all sketches, past and future, same as now.
- The £5 tier will continue to be there mostly for people who want to be more generous with their contributions and for access to the Discord server where post announcements are made. This tier will continue to provide a 10% discount on commissions too. I also accept reasonable drawing requests from people on this tier.
Besides discontinuing the higher tiers, not much will change on my Patreon for now besides some text; I intend to update the imagery there at some point but it's not a priority. If there ever was serious interest from people for pricier tiers, I might consider doing something again, but for the foreseeable future there isn't much point to those tiers.
Comissions
The pricing on my commissions is due to be changed and technically will be "rising", but for people outside the UK, this should make less difference than it normally would have because of the recent devaluing of GBP, which has made it be pretty close to USD and the Euro.
I don't know exactly when I'll make this change, but definitely want to do it by the end of the year. I don't expect GBP to go up to what it was so soon but who knows. Economy is so abstracted and less about actual real-world things and more about social crap and "predictions", "anything" could happen I suppose.
Other thoughts
To keep this very short and minimal on the rant-side, we have been quite busy here and honestly I have just been so tired/sore that I am hardly ever doing any drawing at the moment. Lately I have had to push myself more than usual to work on my weekly sketching and it has mostly been happening at hours or days when the motivation had to be very forced.
I am just not being able to keep up with constantly setting up a workspace for drawing and then putting it all away, it's draining on top of the rest of my days to the point that, paired with the unpredictability of pain issues, I just end up disliking the activity too much and it has absolutely become the case that if there isn't a real reason to be doing some drawing like finishing a commission, posting sketches, or drawing together with someone, I will find it very difficult to get into it on most day.
One final thought is that I think I will no longer be actively posting on Twitter. Truthfully, I have felt little benefit from it and while maybe some people discovered me through Twitter, I can't imagine it was a lot of people in all honesty. I don't like how age ratings work for posts and PostyBirb has never really seemed to work properly with said ratings when making new posts through it. The other thing is that I find the platform confusing and difficult to navigate and for the most part it's just made me spend more time on making posts than I would otherwise have, not to mention it's difficult to find anything I'm interested in from other people; I just have better places to search I suppose, including here. I also don't like how Twitter likes to push certain topics on me as a user, but I guess a lot of things are that way these days.
Posted using PostyBirb
It's been just over two years now since I first started a Patreon account and while the support has only come from a few, I have greatly appreciated it. After all this time I've finally decided that it's time I reworked my tiers and reworded a bunch of stuff.
Usually, I aim to make sketches posts every couple of weeks on Patreon and originally I had intended to do timelapses and other stuff for higher tiers every so often, but considering that was only ever picked up once and it took me a while to prepare any of that stuff, I've decided I'm going to discontinue the higher tiers.
So now there will only be two tiers. A £1 tier and a £5 tier, both of which will remain as they are;
- The £1 tier will continue to have access to all sketches, past and future, same as now.
- The £5 tier will continue to be there mostly for people who want to be more generous with their contributions and for access to the Discord server where post announcements are made. This tier will continue to provide a 10% discount on commissions too. I also accept reasonable drawing requests from people on this tier.
Besides discontinuing the higher tiers, not much will change on my Patreon for now besides some text; I intend to update the imagery there at some point but it's not a priority. If there ever was serious interest from people for pricier tiers, I might consider doing something again, but for the foreseeable future there isn't much point to those tiers.
Comissions
The pricing on my commissions is due to be changed and technically will be "rising", but for people outside the UK, this should make less difference than it normally would have because of the recent devaluing of GBP, which has made it be pretty close to USD and the Euro.
I don't know exactly when I'll make this change, but definitely want to do it by the end of the year. I don't expect GBP to go up to what it was so soon but who knows. Economy is so abstracted and less about actual real-world things and more about social crap and "predictions", "anything" could happen I suppose.
Other thoughts
To keep this very short and minimal on the rant-side, we have been quite busy here and honestly I have just been so tired/sore that I am hardly ever doing any drawing at the moment. Lately I have had to push myself more than usual to work on my weekly sketching and it has mostly been happening at hours or days when the motivation had to be very forced.
I am just not being able to keep up with constantly setting up a workspace for drawing and then putting it all away, it's draining on top of the rest of my days to the point that, paired with the unpredictability of pain issues, I just end up disliking the activity too much and it has absolutely become the case that if there isn't a real reason to be doing some drawing like finishing a commission, posting sketches, or drawing together with someone, I will find it very difficult to get into it on most day.
One final thought is that I think I will no longer be actively posting on Twitter. Truthfully, I have felt little benefit from it and while maybe some people discovered me through Twitter, I can't imagine it was a lot of people in all honesty. I don't like how age ratings work for posts and PostyBirb has never really seemed to work properly with said ratings when making new posts through it. The other thing is that I find the platform confusing and difficult to navigate and for the most part it's just made me spend more time on making posts than I would otherwise have, not to mention it's difficult to find anything I'm interested in from other people; I just have better places to search I suppose, including here. I also don't like how Twitter likes to push certain topics on me as a user, but I guess a lot of things are that way these days.
Posted using PostyBirb
(Finished) Art raffle by LiveNLove7
Posted 3 years ago
LiveNLove7 is holding a raffle on the occasion of her 200 watcher milestone, in case anyone is interested. Just thought I'd share in case anyone else had some interest. Do check out her gallery, as it is pretty varied, which makes her well worthwhile watching in my opinion.Raffle details post:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/49144747
The 200 watchers journal:
https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10338857/
Confidence, X story, other thoughts
Posted 3 years agoToo tired today and having a difficult time focusing on anything. I'm sort of doing nothing at the moment because I can't decide what to do so I may as well try this. I did finish a piece today and I'll probably post that tomorrow.
Just the other day my mate mentioned that I seem less confident than I used to be when we first met, years ago. Looking back, I see what he means. I think there are things I've become less confident at because I lost trust in one thing or another and in other cases I think I'm actually more confident, though the main thing that bothers me these days is that I often get thoughts about saying something, usually to someone, and often end up saying nothing. This kind of applies a bit to conversation too sometimes, but that usually feels different I guess...
Either way, it's annoying, because it's just my own problem and most of the time there's no real reason for me to not say something I'd like to say, it's not like it's usually a controversial comment or anything. I often find myself having typed something and wondering "what's the point?", then feeling guilty and hypocritical when I think about how I wish more people would comment more on things, at least in a thoughtful-ish manner. A few days ago I was wondering this about YouTube comments. Many comments there are very thoughtless or hypercritical, often over somewhat insignificant things. And then I realised that maybe other people don't make more thought-out comments because they're afraid of being different in a sea of comments like those. I know I've felt this way myself, at least, but still try to comment sometimes.
Anyway, on to something different.
Yesterday and today I spent a small bit of time thinking and doing something about my X backstory thing ( https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34319183/ ), which I haven't touched in just over two years (part 3 soon, huh?). Amazed by the views and faves on the posted parts. So, what I've done is write an outline of my story both as it is and of what I'd like to happen next, taking into account the part 3 I'd already drafted. I've never done an outline before, though I am already seeing how it might become helpful despite still feeling a bit odd so far.
It's helped me decide that part 1 and 2 are mostly fine as they are. Part 3 was okay, but it suddenly just seemed like it had drifted from what it was meant to be, and it seemed like I had lost my inspiration, despite always having an idea of where the story might go. The draft was going in a direction that would drag the story more than it needs to. So basically instead of posting that, I should just finish the whole story and make a post with the full and revised story while leaving the original pt1 and 2 segments up too. Such a long break from the story has also given me a more interesting idea for the ending. In a way, I'm glad I never posted part 3, I would be quite unhappy with it if I had. What was I thinking when I wrote some of it...
One final thought on the X backstory is that I want the backstory "mostly" clean apart from any required conflict resolution stuff. In my mind, things like my latest doodle of X with the pod are sort of like "not canon" if that makes sense; they kind of are too, but not canon for the purpose of "if I ever came back to story-writing for this character, what should be accounted for?".
A familiar theme is emerging here, for me anyway. One of my biggest weaknesses might be "not finishing" things. Sometimes I have valid excuses like life things literally getting in the way (like with my art room) but other times like with my Tarot deck project, the issue is mainly that it just fizzled away, despite a large interest in continuing the project. I lost the initial momentum because of other life things, true, but I could have gone back to it and I simply haven't been able to; I would have felt like I was forcing myself too much.
It doesn't help that I often feel I don't have enough room to simply do the work I want to do and having recently seen advice given by some much more experienced artists, I see why, since I pretty much have to set up and undo the setting up of my workspace every single time I want to do something art-related. Maybe it's just not "me" to finish some things anyway, I don't know. While I don't usually regret not finishing things, often because I've moved on to something else, sometimes I do, usually if it felt like it was a small idea that could have been done quickly-ish. Though my mate is often the first to remind me that I have physical problems that some people don't have to deal with; it still feels annoying to not do the things you want to do.
Just the other day my mate mentioned that I seem less confident than I used to be when we first met, years ago. Looking back, I see what he means. I think there are things I've become less confident at because I lost trust in one thing or another and in other cases I think I'm actually more confident, though the main thing that bothers me these days is that I often get thoughts about saying something, usually to someone, and often end up saying nothing. This kind of applies a bit to conversation too sometimes, but that usually feels different I guess...
Either way, it's annoying, because it's just my own problem and most of the time there's no real reason for me to not say something I'd like to say, it's not like it's usually a controversial comment or anything. I often find myself having typed something and wondering "what's the point?", then feeling guilty and hypocritical when I think about how I wish more people would comment more on things, at least in a thoughtful-ish manner. A few days ago I was wondering this about YouTube comments. Many comments there are very thoughtless or hypercritical, often over somewhat insignificant things. And then I realised that maybe other people don't make more thought-out comments because they're afraid of being different in a sea of comments like those. I know I've felt this way myself, at least, but still try to comment sometimes.
Anyway, on to something different.
Yesterday and today I spent a small bit of time thinking and doing something about my X backstory thing ( https://www.furaffinity.net/view/34319183/ ), which I haven't touched in just over two years (part 3 soon, huh?). Amazed by the views and faves on the posted parts. So, what I've done is write an outline of my story both as it is and of what I'd like to happen next, taking into account the part 3 I'd already drafted. I've never done an outline before, though I am already seeing how it might become helpful despite still feeling a bit odd so far.
It's helped me decide that part 1 and 2 are mostly fine as they are. Part 3 was okay, but it suddenly just seemed like it had drifted from what it was meant to be, and it seemed like I had lost my inspiration, despite always having an idea of where the story might go. The draft was going in a direction that would drag the story more than it needs to. So basically instead of posting that, I should just finish the whole story and make a post with the full and revised story while leaving the original pt1 and 2 segments up too. Such a long break from the story has also given me a more interesting idea for the ending. In a way, I'm glad I never posted part 3, I would be quite unhappy with it if I had. What was I thinking when I wrote some of it...
One final thought on the X backstory is that I want the backstory "mostly" clean apart from any required conflict resolution stuff. In my mind, things like my latest doodle of X with the pod are sort of like "not canon" if that makes sense; they kind of are too, but not canon for the purpose of "if I ever came back to story-writing for this character, what should be accounted for?".
A familiar theme is emerging here, for me anyway. One of my biggest weaknesses might be "not finishing" things. Sometimes I have valid excuses like life things literally getting in the way (like with my art room) but other times like with my Tarot deck project, the issue is mainly that it just fizzled away, despite a large interest in continuing the project. I lost the initial momentum because of other life things, true, but I could have gone back to it and I simply haven't been able to; I would have felt like I was forcing myself too much.
It doesn't help that I often feel I don't have enough room to simply do the work I want to do and having recently seen advice given by some much more experienced artists, I see why, since I pretty much have to set up and undo the setting up of my workspace every single time I want to do something art-related. Maybe it's just not "me" to finish some things anyway, I don't know. While I don't usually regret not finishing things, often because I've moved on to something else, sometimes I do, usually if it felt like it was a small idea that could have been done quickly-ish. Though my mate is often the first to remind me that I have physical problems that some people don't have to deal with; it still feels annoying to not do the things you want to do.
Thoughts based on FA policy update
Posted 3 years agoI wanted this to be less specific, more random and more about where I see my own future, will do that some other time, but... Yeah, I got carried away.
Last night, I went on DeviantArt to try and find some interesting references for things like dresses and stuff, something on which I don't have a lot of saved reference. Going through DA made me think of a lot of things, including why I haven't and don't use it anymore apart for looking for reference. I have come to hate the current UI experience there. Everything just feels so clumped and inconsistent. And I hate DA's lack of a clear and rigid mature/adult content rating like FA has. I'll get back to DA further down.
Also last night, I saw FA's announcement on the upload policy changes and such. It's cool to see that FA is still keen on improving the site and kind of makes me think of FA Plus since it's pretty much the main place for all my artwork; there's no other site that really satisfies me in that regard, especially since FA doesn't have stupid requirements for artwork "quality" or anything like that. Yeah, there's a fair bit of "teen angst" and "cringe-y" art, but so what? I remember being that age not that long ago and it really sucks for someone to have to feel like they can't vent something through artwork because of arbitrary restrictions or even some kind of social pressure. We're not born mature or maestros either way; there has to be room for people to mess around and make mistakes and imperfect things.
As for the FA policy changes; I'm glad they want to cut down on reminder submissions. I don't personally mind them too much but they do become noise when looking through the site and new submissions. I do dislike reminders when they don't get removed or made difficult to find later, once they're not relevant anymore.
The policy update on content lacking artistic merit, I was more on the fence about. I've thought about it quite a lot since last night because actually I have been messing around with AI generated art for a while now. I have not posted any of it publically and likely will not anyway, but I do have use for it, as I find it to be very useful for just making new reference on the fly, especially reference in specific styles. I see generated art both as a tool for artists and non-artists. For one thing, non-artists can use it to communicate visually with artists, so they can have it make new things and say "I would like something like this element in this picture" to an artist; and artists can use it as a tool that helps with studying all the different aspects of art, not to mention as bases for compositions, colour palettes and so on, which as things by themselves, nobody "owns" anyway.
I don't feel threatened by generated art, certainly not in its current incarnation, but I do think that like any tool, there are good uses and less good uses. I do feel that art being more publically accessible for anyone is a good thing, even if it wasn't made by a person in the strictest sense. Something else to write about re. the value of art. There is still a human component with regards to the prompts; my main fear here would be that it might lock us into super-defined meanings and therefore further stereotype certain themes within art; this is something that already happens anyway but I could see it being made worse by generated art.
Maybe it's not fair to say that generated art lacks artistic merit even if it's partly pot luck (so is making my own ideas myself, you know), and I think that the argument that it samples content from hundreds or thousands of artists is not especially relevant. I have thoughts on copyright's inadequacies that will some day surface on some other written thing. But heck, I wish I could teach the things to do my own style so that I could reiterate on my own ideas more quickly and have quicker bases to work from, not to mention see how I could diverge from its "expectations" and how it diverges from mine. In any case, and sorry for the H word here, human artists already "generate" their own art very often by looking at and mimicing elements from artwork made by other artists. Isn't it a bit like arguing that human artists shouldn't make artwork that looks like anything that already exists? That would be impossible to satisfy, especially given that we have pretty much already gotten to a saturation point on what's possible as far as artistic style goes.
Still, in the end I do agree with FA when they say it's likely not in the community's best interest to allow generated art on the site, even though some people will likely still try I'd imagine. If I'm so pro-AI art, why would I think that? Well for two reasons at the very least;
- One is because like submission reminders, generated art becomes noise since it can be generated far more quickly than a living artist can conceive and create a new piece at the same technical level.
- Reason two goes back to DA, because as an artist, when you're made to look at existing artwork that is all polished to hell, because it's difficult to filter it out or not be grabbed by it, no matter the amount of effort and years of buildup that it took to make, it can be incredibly demotivating to then want to work on and conceive your own artwork. And since generated artwork is particularly decent at looking "polished" enough, even when it's a thematic turd, it can probably contribute to this demotivation factor if it's allowed on a site that is meant primarily for artwork made mostly by the artists themselves.
If I was my teen self and I saw my artwork from now as it being from a different person, I think I would feel demotivated. The problem is not conceiving a piece in your head, I think most people have a similar level of ability in that regard, in the same way that we can imagine someone else's voice with words they've never said. The problem is that training the arms and hands to actually put that outside of your head is not an easy process and unfortunately takes quite a while.
- A third reason for keeping it away from sites like this would be that generated art is actually quite good for the most part, so it becomes difficult to distinguish whether it's made by a person or just generated, though at the moment it doesn't make furry art very well from my experience. Maybe as an artist I have "more" ability to detect whether a piece is generated or not, but to be honest the current means I have of checking whether it was generated or not would fail me if the generated art became even more authentic than it already is. On DA today I almost fell for a few and I only didn't because I know that generated art is bad at certain elements and leaves certain noticeable artifacts that a human artist does not leave; human artists leave certain artifacts and flaws too, but of a different nature that is not replicated well by the generated art at present, especially given the typical resolutions and pixel quality.
Well, I've probably spent too long on this. Now I'm going to mess around with some stuff and then a bit later get back to making some progress on some art.
Posted using PostyBirb
Last night, I went on DeviantArt to try and find some interesting references for things like dresses and stuff, something on which I don't have a lot of saved reference. Going through DA made me think of a lot of things, including why I haven't and don't use it anymore apart for looking for reference. I have come to hate the current UI experience there. Everything just feels so clumped and inconsistent. And I hate DA's lack of a clear and rigid mature/adult content rating like FA has. I'll get back to DA further down.
Also last night, I saw FA's announcement on the upload policy changes and such. It's cool to see that FA is still keen on improving the site and kind of makes me think of FA Plus since it's pretty much the main place for all my artwork; there's no other site that really satisfies me in that regard, especially since FA doesn't have stupid requirements for artwork "quality" or anything like that. Yeah, there's a fair bit of "teen angst" and "cringe-y" art, but so what? I remember being that age not that long ago and it really sucks for someone to have to feel like they can't vent something through artwork because of arbitrary restrictions or even some kind of social pressure. We're not born mature or maestros either way; there has to be room for people to mess around and make mistakes and imperfect things.
As for the FA policy changes; I'm glad they want to cut down on reminder submissions. I don't personally mind them too much but they do become noise when looking through the site and new submissions. I do dislike reminders when they don't get removed or made difficult to find later, once they're not relevant anymore.
The policy update on content lacking artistic merit, I was more on the fence about. I've thought about it quite a lot since last night because actually I have been messing around with AI generated art for a while now. I have not posted any of it publically and likely will not anyway, but I do have use for it, as I find it to be very useful for just making new reference on the fly, especially reference in specific styles. I see generated art both as a tool for artists and non-artists. For one thing, non-artists can use it to communicate visually with artists, so they can have it make new things and say "I would like something like this element in this picture" to an artist; and artists can use it as a tool that helps with studying all the different aspects of art, not to mention as bases for compositions, colour palettes and so on, which as things by themselves, nobody "owns" anyway.
I don't feel threatened by generated art, certainly not in its current incarnation, but I do think that like any tool, there are good uses and less good uses. I do feel that art being more publically accessible for anyone is a good thing, even if it wasn't made by a person in the strictest sense. Something else to write about re. the value of art. There is still a human component with regards to the prompts; my main fear here would be that it might lock us into super-defined meanings and therefore further stereotype certain themes within art; this is something that already happens anyway but I could see it being made worse by generated art.
Maybe it's not fair to say that generated art lacks artistic merit even if it's partly pot luck (so is making my own ideas myself, you know), and I think that the argument that it samples content from hundreds or thousands of artists is not especially relevant. I have thoughts on copyright's inadequacies that will some day surface on some other written thing. But heck, I wish I could teach the things to do my own style so that I could reiterate on my own ideas more quickly and have quicker bases to work from, not to mention see how I could diverge from its "expectations" and how it diverges from mine. In any case, and sorry for the H word here, human artists already "generate" their own art very often by looking at and mimicing elements from artwork made by other artists. Isn't it a bit like arguing that human artists shouldn't make artwork that looks like anything that already exists? That would be impossible to satisfy, especially given that we have pretty much already gotten to a saturation point on what's possible as far as artistic style goes.
Still, in the end I do agree with FA when they say it's likely not in the community's best interest to allow generated art on the site, even though some people will likely still try I'd imagine. If I'm so pro-AI art, why would I think that? Well for two reasons at the very least;
- One is because like submission reminders, generated art becomes noise since it can be generated far more quickly than a living artist can conceive and create a new piece at the same technical level.
- Reason two goes back to DA, because as an artist, when you're made to look at existing artwork that is all polished to hell, because it's difficult to filter it out or not be grabbed by it, no matter the amount of effort and years of buildup that it took to make, it can be incredibly demotivating to then want to work on and conceive your own artwork. And since generated artwork is particularly decent at looking "polished" enough, even when it's a thematic turd, it can probably contribute to this demotivation factor if it's allowed on a site that is meant primarily for artwork made mostly by the artists themselves.
If I was my teen self and I saw my artwork from now as it being from a different person, I think I would feel demotivated. The problem is not conceiving a piece in your head, I think most people have a similar level of ability in that regard, in the same way that we can imagine someone else's voice with words they've never said. The problem is that training the arms and hands to actually put that outside of your head is not an easy process and unfortunately takes quite a while.
- A third reason for keeping it away from sites like this would be that generated art is actually quite good for the most part, so it becomes difficult to distinguish whether it's made by a person or just generated, though at the moment it doesn't make furry art very well from my experience. Maybe as an artist I have "more" ability to detect whether a piece is generated or not, but to be honest the current means I have of checking whether it was generated or not would fail me if the generated art became even more authentic than it already is. On DA today I almost fell for a few and I only didn't because I know that generated art is bad at certain elements and leaves certain noticeable artifacts that a human artist does not leave; human artists leave certain artifacts and flaws too, but of a different nature that is not replicated well by the generated art at present, especially given the typical resolutions and pixel quality.
Well, I've probably spent too long on this. Now I'm going to mess around with some stuff and then a bit later get back to making some progress on some art.
Posted using PostyBirb
Status update
Posted 3 years agoThe last few days I've mostly been at home because we've brought back home some of our work, as it's easier to do it here versus on-site. Though at the moment I feel I'm pretty much catching up with myself this week, still feeling pretty tired from all the stuff we've been doing on-site, which will resume in the next couple of days anyway. At the moment it's looking like probably another month to go in terms of work left on this one, but we're likely going to be busy with other jobs soon too.
Anyway, hoping to get some more sketching done today so I can put something up on Patreon again very soon, because I really have been too tired to sketch in the evenings after we get home. Also going to be continuing work on a commission that started this week.
Keep thinking about making other journal entries as the weeks go (fly?) by, mostly random thoughts or ranty stuff. Never end up having a clear enough head to do it though.
Anyway, hoping to get some more sketching done today so I can put something up on Patreon again very soon, because I really have been too tired to sketch in the evenings after we get home. Also going to be continuing work on a commission that started this week.
Keep thinking about making other journal entries as the weeks go (fly?) by, mostly random thoughts or ranty stuff. Never end up having a clear enough head to do it though.
Very quick update
Posted 3 years agoAfter I post the most recently finished commission, probably tomorrow, I will be continuing work on the other on-going commission work. However, I don't know how much I'm going to be doing with any other art for a while, as we are going to be getting quite busy for possibly a couple of months and I really don't expect I'll have the energy to do a lot of artwork stuff in my free time, we'll see I guess.
Quick status update + Personal Site
Posted 3 years agoStatus update:
It's been a while since I've done one of these. The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a mix in terms of activity and because of it I didn't get as much work done on art as I would have liked. Like this past week I wasn't able to do anything for two of the weekdays, and the week before, three of the weekdays couldn't be used for art either. And it's possible that I might get quite busy in the next couple of months, I'm not sure yet...
At the moment I've only been able to focus mainly on commission work, which is good for getting them done but makes me feel a bit down from lack of progress on anything else, not to mention I unfortunately tend to leave drawing practise behind when I'm focusing on commissions. I think I can only do so much work that involves the amount of focus that commissions generally require me to have, and I guess it burns me out a bit from doing other artwork things I'd like to do. The plus side is that I do get to finish some stuff with decent quality to it, which always feels good.
Website:
I spent all of yesterday afternoon and quite a bit of the morning today making the new website I'd been thinking about. It can be found here: Shadowhide's Art
From now on, it'll be the main place to see all my profiles on various platforms and so on, which will be shown on the home page there. There is a small amount of my artwork there but my main gallery will continue to be FA.
Also in the future, when I redo my commissions, I'm hoping that process will all happen mostly via the site, so that I won't have as many commission status links/text bits to update on my profile here on FA. It will be easier to just click a universal link that takes you to the site and shows you the open/closed status. I have also made a commissions request form for people who might not use FA and such.
Haven't decided what will happen regarding commission pricing sheets, I might not do them in the future or drastically change how I go about it.
Anyway, tried to keep the site as SFW as possible. Although the legal stuff with the providers does mean that I can put some NSFW stuff there if I wanted to, I probably won't do that for the time being. The site usability should be okay in most regards but some things probably do need improving, not sure. If anyone runs into any issues, just let me know.
Edit: Fixed link! Duh.
Edit 2: Site now has a separate NSFW section. I mostly didn't want to bother working out how I was going to go about it, but then I just did bother anyway.
Thoughts about art/website
Posted 3 years agoNobody here would know it but I have had a website since before I made this account. My site has been oriented partly for most physical artwork I make and partly for personal use (game stuff). As a result it has a completely different theme from stuff I do here and because the focus is on the non-furry side of me and my art, I have deliberately kept it separate from the vein of art here, in good part because there is very little overlap of interest.
Thing is, my website's been just about dead in the water for the last two years and has become a pit for no reason and is just neglected.
I haven't been able to produce physical art for those two years, largely for reasons outside of my control and I really haven't been able to do much about getting said art displayed physically, except for a couple of times, which has meant an inability to generate any new interest on the side of the physical works of art I would produce. I've just come to hate it and haven't done away with it because of thoughts like "what if (in the future)"; a load of crap thoughts that lead nowhere.
So, I was thinking about replacing the physical art website with something aligned with what I have here, basically something on the furry fandom side of things.
The main use for a renewed website at the moment would probably be as a "hub" and for having a static link to a commissions page with terms and pricing, instead of the commissions info gallery posts I make here, which end up being a bit messy and getting lost. Maybe very few people would be interested in an external website presence for me, though I'm thinking of it as a digital business card kind of thing; discussion, suggestions or ideas would be appreciated.
I'm not sure if I'd use the new site as a replacement for my gallery here in part because I'm not sure how I'd handle any age-related thresholds for mature content; for one thing I like the fact that FA requires an account for mature content and while I wouldn't have too much of an issue showing some more tame stuff on my own site anyway, truthfully I do like FA's gallery system quite a lot.
I just know that one way or another, I have to either kill off my site or make new use of it.
(This actually came first initially; art "bla bla" spoilered below instead.)
Since 2018, I've gradually come to realise a few things, one of those things being that there is little interest (especially monetary) in non-fetish art themes except under a few conditions. Things like, whether an artist is well known or not, how good the art is on a technical level (i.e. inherent "wow" factor), and what the theme of a piece is. In non-fetish art, portraits and fan-art typically seem to attract more interest. While I have made some fan-art stuff which had decent interest, I haven't really focused on it, while portraits have remained a distant interest for me, as I generally prefer to do local landscapes or ones which are familiar to me.
Simply put, sex does sell and because people do seem to have an inherent preference to spend money on something they get gratification or value from, fetish art tends to be far more appealing and interesting in general. And famous art of any kind, but mostly physical, also gets added value because it has a resale value and probably bragging rights attached to it.
NSFW/erotic art also does all the right things an artist wants a piece to do in a viewer, specifically one of those being to generate an emotional response, while another is for example the fact that the pieces can get a viewer to return to a piece very easily. I can think of many NSFW images I've found over the years that I have a particular liking for and which are well embedded into my visual memory so that recalling their detail isn't too difficult.
Incidentally, a reason I don't get NSFW art made by others myself is because because I can make it myself too and I can't really afford it anyway.
I should probably mention that I'm not really saying any of this in any sort of judging manner, this is me sort of thinking out loud about a "truth" that is likely well known by many people and which I'm sure I've brought up in journals and discussions. It's something which for me as an artist I have always had some issues with, because I've struggled to deal with art as a commodity since I first started making art. A denial of sorts about something that has been true even well before the contemporary fetish art scene. I've known it when learning about the history of art and watching documentaries and all those things, I just didn't really accept it and on some level still don't, because like with many things, I am probably an idealist when it comes to the "purpose" of art and is a large part of why I really like getting cheap random art from charity shops.
Posted using PostyBirb
Thing is, my website's been just about dead in the water for the last two years and has become a pit for no reason and is just neglected.
I haven't been able to produce physical art for those two years, largely for reasons outside of my control and I really haven't been able to do much about getting said art displayed physically, except for a couple of times, which has meant an inability to generate any new interest on the side of the physical works of art I would produce. I've just come to hate it and haven't done away with it because of thoughts like "what if (in the future)"; a load of crap thoughts that lead nowhere.
So, I was thinking about replacing the physical art website with something aligned with what I have here, basically something on the furry fandom side of things.
The main use for a renewed website at the moment would probably be as a "hub" and for having a static link to a commissions page with terms and pricing, instead of the commissions info gallery posts I make here, which end up being a bit messy and getting lost. Maybe very few people would be interested in an external website presence for me, though I'm thinking of it as a digital business card kind of thing; discussion, suggestions or ideas would be appreciated.
I'm not sure if I'd use the new site as a replacement for my gallery here in part because I'm not sure how I'd handle any age-related thresholds for mature content; for one thing I like the fact that FA requires an account for mature content and while I wouldn't have too much of an issue showing some more tame stuff on my own site anyway, truthfully I do like FA's gallery system quite a lot.
I just know that one way or another, I have to either kill off my site or make new use of it.
(This actually came first initially; art "bla bla" spoilered below instead.)
Since 2018, I've gradually come to realise a few things, one of those things being that there is little interest (especially monetary) in non-fetish art themes except under a few conditions. Things like, whether an artist is well known or not, how good the art is on a technical level (i.e. inherent "wow" factor), and what the theme of a piece is. In non-fetish art, portraits and fan-art typically seem to attract more interest. While I have made some fan-art stuff which had decent interest, I haven't really focused on it, while portraits have remained a distant interest for me, as I generally prefer to do local landscapes or ones which are familiar to me.
Simply put, sex does sell and because people do seem to have an inherent preference to spend money on something they get gratification or value from, fetish art tends to be far more appealing and interesting in general. And famous art of any kind, but mostly physical, also gets added value because it has a resale value and probably bragging rights attached to it.
NSFW/erotic art also does all the right things an artist wants a piece to do in a viewer, specifically one of those being to generate an emotional response, while another is for example the fact that the pieces can get a viewer to return to a piece very easily. I can think of many NSFW images I've found over the years that I have a particular liking for and which are well embedded into my visual memory so that recalling their detail isn't too difficult.
Incidentally, a reason I don't get NSFW art made by others myself is because because I can make it myself too and I can't really afford it anyway.
I should probably mention that I'm not really saying any of this in any sort of judging manner, this is me sort of thinking out loud about a "truth" that is likely well known by many people and which I'm sure I've brought up in journals and discussions. It's something which for me as an artist I have always had some issues with, because I've struggled to deal with art as a commodity since I first started making art. A denial of sorts about something that has been true even well before the contemporary fetish art scene. I've known it when learning about the history of art and watching documentaries and all those things, I just didn't really accept it and on some level still don't, because like with many things, I am probably an idealist when it comes to the "purpose" of art and is a large part of why I really like getting cheap random art from charity shops.
Posted using PostyBirb
"Normality"...
Posted 3 years agoThe progression of illness/symptoms from Covid has not been at all what I'd expected, it has just felt so random, though at least the fever wasn't as bad as with the jabs. One of my wisdom teeth deciding that now would be a good time to keep pushing through has also not been great.
Hopefully more normality by the weekend, at the moment the lingering thing is mostly the aches and coughing. My sleep and meal schedules are all messed up, though I managed to get back to sketching a bit today, so I'll probably be trying to actually resume commission work tomorrow anyway, if it's more or less like today was.
Hopefully more normality by the weekend, at the moment the lingering thing is mostly the aches and coughing. My sleep and meal schedules are all messed up, though I managed to get back to sketching a bit today, so I'll probably be trying to actually resume commission work tomorrow anyway, if it's more or less like today was.
Covid
Posted 3 years agoAfter about two years we finally got Covid for the first time. We're pretty careful but there's always a chance I guess.
Just mentioning this because I'll probably not be fully "there" mentally for a few days. I'll still try and get some drawing done if I can anyway.
Just mentioning this because I'll probably not be fully "there" mentally for a few days. I'll still try and get some drawing done if I can anyway.
Commissions Opening
Posted 3 years agoI am now officially opening for commissions again. Reminder that you can find the current pricing & terms here: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/45443903/
For the people that have expressed interest already, thank you. I am already in the process of contacting all of you and discussing your commission ideas.
Please note, there's no limit on slots this time but I may close commission again at some point in the future if I feel the need for it.
Posted using PostyBirb
For the people that have expressed interest already, thank you. I am already in the process of contacting all of you and discussing your commission ideas.
Please note, there's no limit on slots this time but I may close commission again at some point in the future if I feel the need for it.
Posted using PostyBirb
June Commissions
Posted 3 years agoWasn't quite expecting this but a few people have shown interest in commissions again recently. So I will be opening for it soon, in about one or two weeks from now.
Prices will remain as before.
If you think you might like a commission when they open, please leave a comment or send me a note/contact me privately so that I can reserve you a slot.
This would be really helpful for me to be able to plan ahead a bit and gauge the actual interest too. That said, there's no implied obligation or anything like that if you do want a slot reserved.
Thank you.
Prices will remain as before.
If you think you might like a commission when they open, please leave a comment or send me a note/contact me privately so that I can reserve you a slot.
This would be really helpful for me to be able to plan ahead a bit and gauge the actual interest too. That said, there's no implied obligation or anything like that if you do want a slot reserved.
Thank you.
Art... and stuff
Posted 3 years agoI guess it's getting on for almost two months since I mentioned the break thing in my last journal. Since then, I haven't done much art at all, most recently having done a couple of hang-out-doodle sessions with Akorr and apart from that I think maybe a few paper sketches. I will probably be starting to work on art practise again soon because these last few drawings have made me remember just how bad it is to fall out of patterns of practise, which will mean I will get back to posting sketches on Patreon at some point soon too.
Tomorrow or today technically(?), I'll have a macro vent doodle thing to post, from one of those hang-out drawing sessions. Yes, the description will also be a mile long probably... Also, some people might remember a thing about a Tarot deck project and sadly not much has happened there, because life (applies to everything mentioned here), and it's something I'm going to get back to as well if I can, because I was having a lot of fun with that project.
I don't think I'll be going back to commissions very soon yet, not unless there are more than a couple of people wanting them at the same time, partly because I find it easier to work on commissions if there's actually more than a few going on since it lets me rotate between them. While I do like the last few things I did, I have to recognise they were all really long pieces to work on. And that sort of thing eventually becomes difficult to deal with if you're not having an opportunity or reason to alternate with something else; at the time of the last few things I was being really tired at the end of many days and having had unpredictable patterns to said days, I just couldn't dedicate myself to working on any pieces, not mine or anyone's.
Also part of that, is that I've found over the years that working on something while more than just a bit tired is not a good idea if it can be avoided, because for me it often means I make mistakes or overlook things which will later need correction or extra attention, and so the actual choice of moment for when to put in more work into a piece is about as or more important as to how much time is invested into a piece in total. I think most artists, or creators, will understand these nuances innately if they have some experience with creative processes. I am not sure how much people might be interested in these sorts of things with regards to "process", though I feel like this is partly why relatively old tropes/stereotypes like "artist waiting for inspiration" are still a thing, presumably in part because not everyone understands these nuances unless they've had to deal with it themselves or can relate to the process, which varies from one individual to another anyway.
In any case, another thing for me has been that for more than just a while I've been finding it very difficult to find not only motivation, self-confidence but also the willpower to some degree which is required to actually draw and do other creative stuff. I've generally felt quite low for a number of reasons and since the last journal post there have been some other things I wanted to post about, either journals or random scraps that had nothing to do with what I normally post here, and because of these issues, I gnattered away at posts that never saw the light of... anything. Many things in my life often feel imperfect, lacking structure and lacking predictability, and I think my obsessive traits make it difficult to deal with those aspects of my life.
Confidence or self-confidence is such a tricky thing, and my experience of it has always been that you don't realise how much of it you have when it's actually there for you; and when it's missing it's like you're just nobody, a bit of a nothing. And it becomes difficult to even trust your own judgment or to accept that something might not matter quite as much as you might be making it out to be. When thinking about the times when I've felt best and most confident, it just seems like a different person to a degree, though since my teens there has been an element of willpower that has fortunately never really gone away and which I've been able to use to get myself to do a lot of things which I just wouldn't have been able to deal with otherwise, mostly on the physical side of things though.
I could write a short essay (this is a semi-coherent baby sample!) about all these sorts of things and I suppose there's no point really, so I should stop on that here and just end by saying that I do look forward to trying to get myself to draw again in as relaxed a way as possible, and I do kind of miss some of the rougher stuff that used to result from approaching things in a more spontaneous and impromptu, or impulsive, manner.
Tomorrow or today technically(?), I'll have a macro vent doodle thing to post, from one of those hang-out drawing sessions. Yes, the description will also be a mile long probably... Also, some people might remember a thing about a Tarot deck project and sadly not much has happened there, because life (applies to everything mentioned here), and it's something I'm going to get back to as well if I can, because I was having a lot of fun with that project.
I don't think I'll be going back to commissions very soon yet, not unless there are more than a couple of people wanting them at the same time, partly because I find it easier to work on commissions if there's actually more than a few going on since it lets me rotate between them. While I do like the last few things I did, I have to recognise they were all really long pieces to work on. And that sort of thing eventually becomes difficult to deal with if you're not having an opportunity or reason to alternate with something else; at the time of the last few things I was being really tired at the end of many days and having had unpredictable patterns to said days, I just couldn't dedicate myself to working on any pieces, not mine or anyone's.
Also part of that, is that I've found over the years that working on something while more than just a bit tired is not a good idea if it can be avoided, because for me it often means I make mistakes or overlook things which will later need correction or extra attention, and so the actual choice of moment for when to put in more work into a piece is about as or more important as to how much time is invested into a piece in total. I think most artists, or creators, will understand these nuances innately if they have some experience with creative processes. I am not sure how much people might be interested in these sorts of things with regards to "process", though I feel like this is partly why relatively old tropes/stereotypes like "artist waiting for inspiration" are still a thing, presumably in part because not everyone understands these nuances unless they've had to deal with it themselves or can relate to the process, which varies from one individual to another anyway.
In any case, another thing for me has been that for more than just a while I've been finding it very difficult to find not only motivation, self-confidence but also the willpower to some degree which is required to actually draw and do other creative stuff. I've generally felt quite low for a number of reasons and since the last journal post there have been some other things I wanted to post about, either journals or random scraps that had nothing to do with what I normally post here, and because of these issues, I gnattered away at posts that never saw the light of... anything. Many things in my life often feel imperfect, lacking structure and lacking predictability, and I think my obsessive traits make it difficult to deal with those aspects of my life.
Confidence or self-confidence is such a tricky thing, and my experience of it has always been that you don't realise how much of it you have when it's actually there for you; and when it's missing it's like you're just nobody, a bit of a nothing. And it becomes difficult to even trust your own judgment or to accept that something might not matter quite as much as you might be making it out to be. When thinking about the times when I've felt best and most confident, it just seems like a different person to a degree, though since my teens there has been an element of willpower that has fortunately never really gone away and which I've been able to use to get myself to do a lot of things which I just wouldn't have been able to deal with otherwise, mostly on the physical side of things though.
I could write a short essay (this is a semi-coherent baby sample!) about all these sorts of things and I suppose there's no point really, so I should stop on that here and just end by saying that I do look forward to trying to get myself to draw again in as relaxed a way as possible, and I do kind of miss some of the rougher stuff that used to result from approaching things in a more spontaneous and impromptu, or impulsive, manner.
A sort of break
Posted 3 years agoSpent about an hour trying to word all of this, so, yeah. Here we are...
Firstly, the current on-going commission and the on-going YCH will still be completed as soon as possible. I'd like to apologise to both Rufran and Delathar about this situation and how delayed I feel I have been with completing their works. Also, I won't be taking on any new commissions and I don't know how or what my posting in general will be like, or how long this situation will go on for.
I'm not really looking to stop or go away entirely, more looking to be real with myself and openly admit (again...) that pace and direction will have to be what they will be for the moment. I don't really know what that means for drawing and painting right now. Generally speaking, I have not been finding enjoyment in life for quite some time now, save for a few structured things that have felt okay. Emotionally, I feel completely uninterested in mostly anything except for a random interest here and there. I feel stable and yet completely dissatisfied by almost everything.
On top of how I normally feel physically and between how I keep feeling lately with the waves of dizzy/sick feeling, and how unpredictably busy I sometimes am, I feel that right now I can't guarantee anything to anyone, including to myself.
So, I'm sorry if this is disappointing or even surprising; I feel disappointed myself.
Sadly, all this also means I probably won't be doing any other Macro March streams for what little is left of the month, especially as I'd rather focus on finishing on-going works. Maybe I'll pick up streaming again at some point, as it's something I've enjoyed a bit, but I imagine it'd be sporadic and random.
I want to end this with a thought that likely reflects my current mood: To me life doesn't feel like it's about paths and choices. Everything has ended up feeling like it's about a river and its currents. You can't change its course right now and can't swim back upstream, and you can only hold on to what is near you for however long as that moment may last.
Posted using PostyBirb
Firstly, the current on-going commission and the on-going YCH will still be completed as soon as possible. I'd like to apologise to both Rufran and Delathar about this situation and how delayed I feel I have been with completing their works. Also, I won't be taking on any new commissions and I don't know how or what my posting in general will be like, or how long this situation will go on for.
I'm not really looking to stop or go away entirely, more looking to be real with myself and openly admit (again...) that pace and direction will have to be what they will be for the moment. I don't really know what that means for drawing and painting right now. Generally speaking, I have not been finding enjoyment in life for quite some time now, save for a few structured things that have felt okay. Emotionally, I feel completely uninterested in mostly anything except for a random interest here and there. I feel stable and yet completely dissatisfied by almost everything.
On top of how I normally feel physically and between how I keep feeling lately with the waves of dizzy/sick feeling, and how unpredictably busy I sometimes am, I feel that right now I can't guarantee anything to anyone, including to myself.
So, I'm sorry if this is disappointing or even surprising; I feel disappointed myself.
Sadly, all this also means I probably won't be doing any other Macro March streams for what little is left of the month, especially as I'd rather focus on finishing on-going works. Maybe I'll pick up streaming again at some point, as it's something I've enjoyed a bit, but I imagine it'd be sporadic and random.
I want to end this with a thought that likely reflects my current mood: To me life doesn't feel like it's about paths and choices. Everything has ended up feeling like it's about a river and its currents. You can't change its course right now and can't swim back upstream, and you can only hold on to what is near you for however long as that moment may last.
Posted using PostyBirb
Status update (ranty)
Posted 3 years agoFor a few days now I’ve not been feeling very well (again). I hate my body for how it always makes me feel restricted. At the moment I can’t focus very well and feelings of dizziness and nausea keep coming and going. There’s other things too but those are probably the main issue right now. Most of the time I’ve just been trying to distract myself because there’s not much else I feel able to do and I keep fucking up even small things anyway. Aggravating.
This morning I thought that I might be able to stream later tonight and now it’s not really looking like it’s going that way. Sorry for not updating on anything the last few days. Honestly even though it’s only been a few days it already feels like I’m falling behind too much on things and I hate not getting any work done on any art either.
I forget what else I was going to say… Ugh.
This morning I thought that I might be able to stream later tonight and now it’s not really looking like it’s going that way. Sorry for not updating on anything the last few days. Honestly even though it’s only been a few days it already feels like I’m falling behind too much on things and I hate not getting any work done on any art either.
I forget what else I was going to say… Ugh.
No MM stream today
Posted 3 years agoI've been feeling ill all day, so I won't be doing the stream tonight. Might or might not do drawing with Akorr tomorrow depending on how I feel, and if on Sunday I'm better, I'll probably do a MM stream then.
