so its been a little while since my last post. and the world is a much better place now than it used to be. im doing better in school. im happier. and i have a wonderful boyfriend. now to gush about how wonderful he is.

so we met online a while back. but we didnt meet in person till this past new years. i liked him a lot. he spent the night of jan 1st with me. and it was a GOOD night. and weve been dating ever since. its kind of a long distance relationship because he is in the military and is stationed pretty much as far away as you can be and it still be america. but hes getting out. he will be coming home at the end of this month and i am so very excited. ive missed him more than i have words to describe. his parents converted their garage into a bachelor pad for him so hes gunna technically be living with them but hes gunna be at my place most of the time. we cant talk as much as id like with him being on duty and being several time zones away. but he is more than worth the wait. he is my precious kitty cat. and i love him so very much <3

be safe and hurry home my sweet. your wolf is waiting :]

it is an exquisite pain when you can look at your phone and computer and know that no one is thinking about you or notices your absence.

not too mention im fucking horny all the time! and no amount of fapping seems to help.

i just dont know what to do anymore.

spent another bday single......does it ever get better?

i mean do you? after my bf leaving me i think about you even more. you meant so much to me. i still feel like part of me is missing...and now...my bf...another part is gone now too....why...just why.....do you ever think about me? did i ever really mean anything to you? did/do you even miss me or notice when i was gone? im just so lonely...

we broke up. im alone again. im sure my exfriend would be delighted to know. but we dont speak anymore. the horrible thing is that a week from today will be year from the fight that ended that particular friendship. and now ive lost my bf. whats wrong with me? huh? why does everyone always leave? my bf said that i was wonderful and that i havent done anything wrong. just that he didnt feel the spark. and i wasnt in love with him either but i was honestly growing to care about him more everyday. but that doesnt matter now. guess i truly dont matter.

https://youtu.be/1GAaWz4X4nU

This song came on the other day and it's been on my mind because it hits me so hard. I have a bf now. So why do I still care about someone who threw me away? Fbook is an evil thing. I deleted him a long time ago. But he keeps popping up in my recommended friends. There were recent pics too. I still miss him damnit and I wish I didnt. I just want...I don't know what I want. I just want to be free of a past that wants nothing to do me anymore.

So. Its been about 8 months since I lost the best friend I ever had. We told each other that we were best friends. And would be forever. That we loved each other. But once I fell in love with him...I shouldve known our friendship was doomed.

I still think about him everyday ya know. Every damned day. I miss him like ive never missed anyone or anything in my life. But I know I'd never be able to be just friends with him. I think. He just fit in my life in a way...i cant explain. I want to reach out. Try to patch things up. But I have a boyfriend now. That would be so unfair to him. He likes me so much. And I'm quite fond of him.

Idk what this post is supposed to be about. Maybe I'm worried about the future with my bf. Maybe I'm still in love with my old friend. Idk. Even if things don't work out with my bf I'll still want him in my life. Maybe I'm afraid of losing someone else I'm close to one day.

So many fears hide in the dark.
So much hurt hides in the silence.

this semester has been the worst semester of grad school....i just hope i pass...damn its been rough....

but amidst the chaos something....unexpected happened. i met someone. i know right. what are the chances. but it was after becoming more active in the furry community and signing up for a meet local furs site (pounced). pounced isnt just for dating. its for meeting and making friends too. and as lonely as i was i really needed some friends. a few ppl responded to my profile but most of them just wanted to hook up. i didnt even have a picture of anything. i was getting discouraged. but as i was about to give up someone messaged me just to say hi. we exchanged kik user names and and chatted for a few weeks. he was interested in me. as more than just a friend. but valued our friendship as it was and didnt want to push it. we also made it very clear to not lead the other on or let them get too close. we had both been burned like that before and neither of us wanted to hurt the other or get hurt ourselves. well after a few weeks. i invited him over to watch movies. and then shortly after that i asked him out. i had decided that if i stopped taking chances because ive only ever been hurt by those i loved...then well...i would never have a chance of finding one that made it all worth it. he was ecstatic. hes such a cuddle puppy. and so cute too! no matter what happens. or how long we last.(which i hope is a very long time!) im glad he was there to pick me when i was so low. he lives an hour away so we dont get to see each as often as wed like. but we try for once a week. and with summer coming up were hoping for a lot more than that!

even when it looks like you have nothing left. that everything just hurts. dont close your heart. no matter how much you want to. if you close your heart you will never find happiness.

well another valentines has come and gone. another where i cry myself to sleep in the middle of the day then wake up and scour for someone to talk to. but theyre all with theyre mates. so i cry some more. watch some anime. fap too much. and hope ill be able to find sleep when the time comes for this god forsaken day to be over. i dont know what it is about me. i just drive ppl away. there are two in particular that come to mind today. one i never want to speak to again. and another i still miss with my every waking breathe. but i feel the resentment and hate on the horizon. and that scares me. i loved them so much. but they left. i still love them. for now. i dont want to resent them. i dont want to hate them. i had hope a while back that i wouldnt be spending this valentines alone. but thats what i get for hoping. hope has only ever been a poison in my life. only ever brings me up the throw me back down. i often wonder what the point of my life is. to only be useful and maintain a distance from everyone? dammit i dont want to be used! i want a mate. a friend someones to share my life with. but i guess one person is too much to ask for from the universe.

ive been a lurker for a very long time. i watch over a thousand artists. and i was away for a couple months and currently have over 26000 unviewed submissions.....
i put a lot of time and effort over the past few years in a place that...didnt want the effort. lonely doesnt even begin to describe my life now. but i have school to keep me busy. i guess thats a good thing..maybe.
so instead of sinking into a dangerous depression im finally embracing my furry side as a means of coping.
my fursonas name is Attacus Shade. he is a tall wolf. he has black fur with dark gray patches: his ears chest end of his tail and his pubes. and he has deep emerald eyes. he is also pierced. his nipples and he has a prince albert.
he is kinda of quiet. atleast around new ppl. but if you let him in and he lets you in he is someone that will always love and care about you. no matter what happens. he just isnt built with the ability to go backwards. once youre in his life he will try his hardest to keep you from leaving. even if it doesnt always look like it. and if you do leave he will still love and care about you. and he will always miss you. so be kind. dont let him in if youre afraid of where it might go.
he is fierce to protect those he loves. he isnt physically strong but he is the last of the shadow benders. the darkness is his weapon. and it is not a force to be trifled with.

so thats me i guess. im sure this isnt the greatest description but hey. it is what it is.

i also dont have and avatar because attacus has never been drawn. so ill find a pokemon or something to put there eventually.