So yeah, its mah birthday. Party on Sunday!

So, this is to announce on Friday, June 11th will be my birthday. Yay and woot! I level up. Maybe I can do a Jump with a spin!

I think I may have me a little birthday party cook out on Sunday, weather permitting.

Well, now that i've finally woken up, I can do a legitimate con report. Let me tell you this, Benadryl is super effective for sleeping. I took it yesterday around 2, and was knocked on my ass till about 12pm today. But now that i'm awake... RCFM.

Well, I had a great time, though it is disappointing that i'm still not good enough to make a cameo on the journals of the people i spent the most time with. I guess I still gotta try harder to be a cool person, lol.

Anyway. The con was taking a leap of faith for me, as i didn't know anybody going save for a couple of people. There were my roomies, Axle and Tybis, and my very good friend, Electropaw. But he didn't get there till friday. So Thursday night we got in around 10ish I basically went hunting for food, but found nothing as it was after 11pm by now. Wandered around and met  redreynart and another, whos name escapes me at the moment. After riding with the other fur, who was awesome, i feel so bad I am forgetting his name, I went up to  tarynwahboi's room, and hung out with him and  kthfox Watched some YouTube vids and ended up tortureing them with Patton Oswalt's new CD and the Drawn Together Movie... After that I meandered up to my room for sleeps.

The next morning, i was still feeling a little apprehensive about being at the con, so I kinda stayed asleep and in my room till almost 1pm. But then wandered the floor for a while. After a while I met an awesome bunny,  vacurienbushihare The rest of the afternoon was a bit of blur, I think i did my first bit of fursuiting at this time. But i do remember getting together with the bunny and having a few drinks before going back to my room to just hang out and chat. Electropaw joined us and we all had a great time chatting. Tybis joined us too for chatting. At some point EP and i got this great idea for a FlashMob, that... well.. we never followed through with. Eventually Tybis wanted to sleep, so EP and i wandered downstairs to chat s'mmore. Stayed there till about 5am and then EP went to bed. I stayed around and ended up chatting with Cholf for several hours. He told some interesting stories, and we had bacon!!!!

So After i eventually woke up on Saturday, I got into suit and wandered around. Everyone seemed to be busy, so very little socializing was done. Then they gave us free pizza. I was still in suit, but took off my head to eat (OMG I RUINED THE MAGIC!) While i was there, i met up with Who would be my new best friend for the con,  kthfox He didn't have anyone to hang out with, so I said he could hang out with me, and what a sweety he was. I really hope to see him again. So the evening involved more suiting and hanging with mah foxy friend. Till... well... I did something stupid... But.... Soooo worth it.

See, in the elevator at the hotel, they were showing off this delicious looking steak. So... i got one... Cost $50 but it was perfectly seasoned and cooked... and soo worth it. I let foxy have a taste and he agrees it was like an orgasm in your muzzle. But more fursuiting was had, and it was a BLAST!!!! I mean, the mundanes loved my suit too!!!

If I went into detail about that, it'd take days... so I'll just say, sleep and such was eventually. The next morning, I Got up later than planned, But Hung out more with foxy. Sunday was a blur too, i just remember lots of suiting and such. Hitting up Closing Ceremonies and getting dinner with Electropaw. Then meeting this kyoot dragon whom we wandered around outside with. Walked the park.. OMG, it was a beautiful night. So, as it was Sunday, per tradition, i didn't sleep. Instead stayed up with a group of furries playing Apples to Apples. Then had breakfast.. and then went to packing. And that's where we ended. I didn't get to say a final goodbye to EP in person, and I felt bad for that... But I shall certainly see him at MFF.

Well tis the end of the con, and I must say, it was quite a fun time. While surprisingly small, it was still a great time. And I made several new friends I think. I am currently sitting in the lobby of the hotel toying this on my iPad, but this was certainly a grand experience.

So, this is my first time going to this con, and save for the folks I'm riding with and one friend, I don't know anybody going.

So, are any of you going to be there, or have been there and can tell me what to expect?

So, lessie

Windows takes several mins to boot, Fallout 3 just took a half hour to start up. Of my 2 hard drives, windows only reports the free space on one partition of one drive.. And it's already taken an hour to to get half way through transferring 1.22 gb from said visible partition to USB drive.

Good news, I'm pretty sure it's just the hard drive dieng a slow and horrible death, bad news is I don't know what all can be salvaged from it before it goes to crap. Though I don't think there is toooooooo much that is important that I'd lose permanently. Depends on if my picture folder finishes copying.

So, I know some of you have already heard of this, but, I had a job interview last Wed. Now, it was an impromptu thing, a job fair.. Now I thought I did excellently at it. But I don't know... Well either way they said they'd call me Friday. I'm trying to not get my hopes up cause I REALLY want this job. I've been told not to wormy that they haven't called, but, I could use all the help I can get.

Pleases wish me luck or keep me in your prayers, please.

First thing, to the two of you who did offer support and comfort in my last journal, thank you, I think right there is a testament to why I feel so lonely like I'm going all this alone. But to know that at least you care enough about me to say something is awesome, and it won't go unreturned.

I also want to thank the other two commenters who left words of advice. I will certainly process it and figure out what I can possibly do to head in that direction.

Things are starting an upward pace though. One of the big stress things was taken care of and thank whatever deities are listening, it actually didn't turn out badly.

But I think that sometime very soon, I'm going to be leaving here. The response, or lack there of to my last journal speaks louder than anything anyone could say to me. I don't think I'm wanted here. Or at a minimum, nobody really cares.

I haven't chosen my path yet, it will take a great deal of meditation till I find it. But, to the very very few of you who do care, know that you guys will not be left behind nor forgotten by this panther.

Every day going by, I hate my life even more. I feel trapped, pulled, abandoned, used and unimportant.

I'm sure I deserve it. It's karma kicking my ass for things ive dome or will do. I'm just slowly again going back down the spiral.

I just hate my life.

Ever have one of those days where you go around and feel so ignored that you wonder if you exist... Or more important, why even exist

So i had to miss FCN, though I doubt anyone will miss me there... But in my upsetness for not being able to go, I spent the money I'd have spent on the con on picking up a brand new iPad.

At first i wasn't going to do it, instead spend my money on booze and strippers. But I decided to play with one, and fell in love with it. I realized it was much more capable than my net book for what I use that thing for. As I come to the end of my first week with the iPad, I am still in love with it.

Soon I may pick up Sketch Pad Pro and post some artworks from there. Lol.


Anyway, have a awesome day y'all

Trust is like a Mirror, You can fix it if it's broken, but you'll always see the cracks in that motherfucker's reflection. - Beyonce/Lady Gaga

It's a line I've been living most of my life. There are certain people in my life, who have shattered my trust and don't seem to understand why the effects last so long.

And yeah, i'm a Lady Gaga fan....

>.>

Good: Just watched the Telephone Music Vid by Lady Gaga, it's absolutley AMAZING, It's entertaining, and funny and strange... Certainly different from every other MV out there.

Bad: Last night, some dope stareted messing with me, calling me a Poser after trying to buy my Gamertag off me on Xbox live. Seems he mistook me for Shale, Jijx's otter character. Whatever, I'm still the origonal furry Shale.

Awesome: Peep the new commish ya'll. Though I think there is a higher chance of people looking at porn than reading my journal. LOL.. so I'll just assume Everyone who reads this has already seen the pic!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5gw7ec4KyY

Deep.... I mean, this shows the real plight of the human situation..

I open up a philosophical discussion of this ending.

Soooo, My kitty mentioned what he found typing my name into the search field on FA, and so I followed suit. And Wow, there are some pretty nice furs named Shale out there. Of course there is the popular Otter by Jijix... and another panther named Shale.. as well as a few canids.

I was thinking how cool it'd be for a all Shale Pic. If I could afford Jijix or he was open, I'd start with some Panther on Otter action.

Hmmmm. That begs the question, who all would want to be in an orgy pic with the Egyptian kitty Shale?

So X-mas was a pile of suck. I've never felt so alone in my life.

But, I've decided to use it for a baseline. Next year by this time, i want to be doing a whole lot better. The members of this site may not agree, but I am an artist, and a creator. So I've been working on a few projects. The biggest one is a fun game that I'm working on with a few friends.

I'm sure i've got another blow this year, before it's over.. but.. I found a few great quotes that I found on a new Photobucket app.

"Life is not about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself"

"Fall in love or fall in hate,. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it, forgive yourself, breathe and enjoy the ride"

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live like you'll die tomorrow"

"Be yourself, because everybody else is taken"

And from me.

There are too many things in life that are beautiful... sit back, and enjoy the beauty that surrounds you. And while I can not be beautiful myself.. maybe one day I can create something beautiful."

... Nothin...

Had some fun in the way of spending a little time with my friends Electropaw, Terminotaur, and my roommates. The dance on Saturday night was pretty boss.. and Dinner Sunday night was awesome.

Other than that, this was easily the worst con so far. I didn't really get to meet or spend time with anyone new, So no new friends met, Alot of people I wanted to spend time with, blew me off for someone more important. If I didn't know better, I'd think the fandom was trying to tell me that it doesn't want me anymore.

Well, Back to the good, though, I at least want to thank EP, Termy, Steveredd, Rawkit, Tybis, Maci, for making the con not totally suck. Special thanks to RaptorRed for being the entertaining Goofball he always is, Ripner for a few moments of conversation that was indeed enjoyable, Konran and Will for.. I dunno, but it was fun being recognized. Oh, i also want to thank a certain deer fursuiter who had, by far, my favorite fursuit of the con, and seemed to have a nice person on the inside. I can't remember his name, but he was a deer, or reindeer, covered in bells.. Though both deer fursuiters were very friendly and very snuggleable. If anyone knows who this suiter is, let me know.

So I have a flickr account, and now that my sexy android phone has support built into it's own picture album, i need more people to watch. So Send me a watch, or link me here, my name is shalepanther

So, I've been up all night, and I have work in about 2 hours.. I get to work a 9 hour day and miss Bowling for the first time in, 3 years. Then be up by 7am tomorrow morning and work another 9 hour day, have 2 hours in between then go to D&D.

But I've spent the last hour peruseing through LJ, kinda sorta catching up a little. And for some reason, I decided that I'll post and vent here.. as usual.

Yesterday when I was working, I came across the DVD set for Ugly Betty. It brought to mind a conversation I had with Woody several years ago. In this conversation, we were talking about the character, and How she was "ugly" but had a beautiful personality. By the context of the conversation, i felt like he was inferring that.. I had a bad personality.. It made me feel like I was a bad person. Granted, I've been called a bad person from time to time....

But It got me to thinking. I know I have low self-esteme. That's as obvious as Hugh Heffner's sexual orientation. But it seems this all makes me a bad person. I';m not mean to anybody, I won't take advantage of a person for my own gain, I won't hurt someone intentionally, I won't steal, go around begging for money than useing it all to pay for commissions... I don't see everyone out their as sexual objects to use then dump... I have a few flaws, I can be slightly posessive, jump to conclusions, and have a couple issues with jealousy. But.. Why does it seem that those 3 flaws, make me worse than anyone who does the things i mentioned before that?

But the thing that became most clear to me, in my train of thought.. Is that.. As a person, I'm broken. I feel like I'm crushed. Last night I was listening to KnotCast, and they talked about the way to counter low self esteme.. and it was suggested to Focus on your strengths. I look at myself, I see None. Nada... I recall a statement from a friend named Tsume.. he marvled at how much talent could be found in this fandom. I see no talent in myself. Every time I think there is something I'm good at.. I get shot down. Fursuiting, Drawing, Singing even.. It's sad that, while part of me wants to be a singer, I know NONE of my friends would ever listen to my stuff.

Positive Reinforcement has been rare to non-exsistant in the last 5 years of my life. It's almost always discouragement. It became more rewarding to just stop trying. Why draw, It's going to suck anyway, and nobody will care, not even enough to give you tips. Why Fursuit, nobody will notice you anyway, no matter how much effort I put into trying to be entertaining. Why Work out, most people will still think i'm ugly. Why be a good friend? They'll just find someone more talented, better looking, or whatever more valueable and worth their time.

Maybe it's why I like working at Walmart, the bar is so low, how can I not excel.

I've been thinking. With so many Furry themed podcasts, would there be any intrest in a Furry focused, Tech themed podcast. We have games, sex, furry... all of those, but I haven't seen any, just plain technology themed podcasts.. What say you?

So I'm not ususally excited for cons anymore. But recently I was for this years MFF. But i'm finding myself less and less excited as it gets closer. Things are getting more complicated, Everyone who used to want to see me has since gotten distracted by others and I don't even hear from them anymore. I'm paying the way of someone else who I doubt I'll even see most of the con. And Sleping arrangements seem complicated as hell. It'll also be the first year I'll miss Thursday Night.

I am looking for an artist who is good and Fast. Dun care so much about price. But i need something sommissioned and finished reletivly soon.

You know, I tried to stop myself, I kept my guard up.. and.. as soon as I let it down, I got fucking stabbed. As usual, I'm expected to be perfect.. I'm so hard on myself, because the people who "love me" are harder on me. Yeah, I know I have issues, but why am I not allowed time to work through them?

I was stupid, I let myself fall in love with him, and as soon as he "Saw the real me" he wanted out. Now I'm stuck here not knowing what to do. I feel like I have to work thru my problems on my own. I find it most amusing, By the time i was starting to let myself fall in love with him, He was falling out of love with me. And... now I'm left hurt, and feeling like I lost something... and he doesn't care.. probably already moved on.

So... I have a bit of a problem, i need advice.

I got several commissions at AC.. kinda went a tad overboard, actually, but there is one problem. 2 of the artists, have yet to give me anything.

Artist 1. was a $50 color commission, of a single character. I've gotten no art, she won't answer the notes I've sent her.. nothing...

Artist 2. Split commission, friend says not to bug her about it, but It's been this long, and not only has she not done it, She just finished an auction and is taking on more stuff.

Now, i've never had to deal with this. In my last 5 years in the fandom, I've never lost money in art i never got. It's been 4 months, I don't even know what i can do about the one artist, where I can't even get any communication from the artist herself, OR the person who recommended her to me.

Back To Life, Back To Reality, are the words that are going through my head right now. This AC was... strange, but a ton of fun. I went totaly over budget on Art, but I love it all. Met soem great people, Got alot of time to sit around and hang ot with a VERY good friend of mine who moved away last year. Did Hookah for the first time.. and learned the importance of Booze when wearing black spandex at a Con dance.

Special thanks to all the folks who made the con Rock, I really neded something like this.

Next goal, MFM