Well, Shayshay was up at about... 5 AM today, when she noticed her lover sign on to MSN. After excitement rose, and Shay began to feel that tiniest bit of happiness return... It was smashed when she discovered it wasn't her love. It was her love's friends, telling people on Her love's MSN list, that she wouldn't be returning... As she was hit by a bus...

The damned driver didn't see her... And she passed due to her injuries. Even as I write this, I am shaking, sobbing, and wailing... With anger, and pain. I hate that busdriver... I hate myself, for not being able to be there to say goodbye...

So once more, a tired Cafox is kicked while she's almost out, sending her closer to the edge. Soon she's going to plummet and vanish from the world... So... She thinks she's going to take a little break from the internet for a while... Maybe some things will take a turn for the better, if they do, then I'll be back.

Untill then, take care, all you about, 8 people who actualy read this. I hope to speak soon...

Shaybles the Broken.

Well, Shayshay is back again. Shit's happened, she's depressed and has insomnia, so she reccomends people don't expect her to be too friendly.

Been pushing friends away as a sort of defense mechanism, and also a sub contious punishment. Eventualy I'll tear myself apart. half way there, not long to go!

Been about four months and two weeks since Kitten heard from her love, so lonliness is starting to drill into her...

College is still considering accepting me, because of maths, and i've been tolt it's unlikely I'll get into uni unless I get a good maths grade. i think I dyscalculaya or whatever it is.

Friends seems to be mistaking things I've not done for things I have. I got a phone call from a friend I haven't spoken to in five months saying that my constant bitching and drama has broken her and her boyfriend up, and three friends up. I have never met her boyfriend, nor do I know her friends. Yes, I 'am a drama queen, yes, I bitch alot, but if I haven't seen her in five months, how can I have hurt anyone... i'm confused.

But yes, Kitten isn't the best company right now. i'm sorry to rant and bitch like this. ^_^;

Till next time something makes me happy or shives me deeper into the ground.

Shaybles.

1. How old will you be in five years?
23

2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Mark, becki, Jacob, Kurush, Lisa, rowan, Matt, Chris, Custard, Ross... Probably some others.

3. How tall are you?
5'3"

4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks
Honestly? Nothing. I've no reason to look forward to aynthing for a while.

5. What's the last movie you saw?
Inception.

6. Who was the last person you called?
Mark...

7. Who was the last person to call you?
Mother.

8. What was the last text message you received?
A friend calling me a backstabbing bitch... unsure why.

9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
Mother telling me rather drunkenly to pick up Salad cream from the shop. It was three in the morning. that made me giggle.

10. Do you prefer to call or text?
Text.

11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Lying awake, counting the loose threads on my pillow.

12. Are your parents married/divorced?
Divorced.

13. When did you last see your mom?
Today.

14. What color are your eyes?
Blue grey, with brown, yellow and red flecks in random places if you are brave enough to get close enough to look x3

15. What time did you wake up today?
Technicaly, I never slept last night so, either 6AM YESTERDAY, or 12AM today by the clock or... Bah I dunno xD

16. What are you wearing right now?
Grey jeans, black plain shirt, my jewelery, glasses.

17. Do you like Christmas songs?
Honestly? No. i'd rather have a newborn baby having it's legs broken screaming in my ear >.<

18. Where is your favorite place to be?
I don't have one.

19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
Tough one... Let me get back to you.

20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
Again I don't know. Maybe Medford Oregon, or hell, I hear it's warm this time of year! ^^

21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
Hopefully in a nice house as a well paid Psychologist.

22. Do you tan or burn?
Burn. Ten minuets in sunlight and I burn.

23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Oddly enough is was a giant green head, oddly like the Mask's face. i had a viscious night terror that it devoured me in a horribly gory manner.

24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
My stepfather falling drunkenly down the stairs. Twice.

25. What was the last thing that really made you cry?
The fact that my girlfriend has once more vanished for three months and six days... But who is counting? The lonliness is rolling up to let the glorious rays of depression and mind numbingness settle in and burn me again. See i don't even need the sun to burn me!

26. How big is your bed?
Single...

27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Laptop.

28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Pfft, me, naked? hah! Pyjamas.

29. What color are your sheets?
I don't have them on.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Two.

31. What is your favorite season?
Spring, Winter to an extend, kind of summer... and autumn...

33. What do you like about winter?
You know I'm not sure. It's got a lonely beauty to it if I let the old poet girl in my head speak.

34. What do you like about the summer?
My birthday I suppose.

35. What do you like about spring?
The temperature begins to warm and once more blossoms start to form... Hey, there goes the old poet again!

36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
Devon, Deon and uhm... devon! (I can se the hospital I was born in from my front door... Literaly...)

37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Exeter and bradninch.

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Shoes or socks.

39. Are you a social person?
Yes, honestly.

40. What was the last thing you ate?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I think five day old pizza.

41. What is your favorite restaurant?
Red Rose- indian.

42. What is your favorite kind of ice cream?
I hate ice cream.

43. What is your favorite dessert?
uhh... Fucked if I know.

44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
My own made chicken and leek soup.

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
I'd rather eat cat faeces.

46. Do you like Chinese food?
Yes.

47. Do you like coffee?
No

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
Depends.

49. What do you drink in the morning?
Water.

50. Do you have any phobias?
Murky water, Lonliness.

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Left side so I A. amd more comfortable. B. don't fall out of bed... (I manage to anyway.) and C. don't have to face the large empty expanse of my room.

52. Do you know how to play poker?
No.

53. Do you like to cuddle?
With certain people yes.

54. Have you ever been to Canada?
No.

55. Do you have an addictive personality?
highly unlikely. i think I'm more the sort of, 'meet her once and try to avoid her in future' person.

56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
Home...

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes

58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
No.

59. Do you want kids?
Yes.

60. Do you speak any other languages?
No.

61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
Yes. Several times.

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yes... So many times.

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Pool... No murky water.

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
Window. It helps me pretend I'm not surrounded by posers, retards and anal dwelling fart for brains. Woo for snobby Shay!

65. Do you know how to drive a stick?
A what?... Did you just Dis me?!

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Hm... Friends i suppose.

67. Do you wear any jewelry?
Earings, two necklaces, three tings, a watch and bracelet. All have a significance to me.

68. What is/are your favorite TV show/s?
Family Guy, South Park, Kerrang ( The channel.) Uhm... Meh, dunno. Two and a half men I suppose.

69. Can you roll your tongue?
Yes

70. Who is the funniest person you know?
Pfft.

71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
No.

72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
the chorus to 'Saviour' by Rise Against.

73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
Mother kept some of my baby clothes.

74. What red object is closest to you right now?
My hand.

75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
If I remember.

76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Closed.

77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
Bear. Easier to escape and kill.

78. Do you flirt a lot?
Fuck no.

79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Salad Cream... Yes I'm weird!

80. What is your favorite food?
Hm, Chicken Korma, and I'm going through a Pasta thing at the moment.

81. Can you change the oil on a car?
Hell no.

82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Don't drive.

83. Have you ever run out of gas?
Read above.

84. What is your usual bedtime?
Recently I'm in danger of developing insomnia or something so I don't know, it varies. i lie in bed till I pass out basicaly.

85. What was the last book you read?
Mariel of redwall.

86. Do you read the newspaper?
Express and Echo for flats.

87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
No.

89. Do you watch soap operas?
Get the fuck away from me... -Cocks a shotgun.-

90. Do you dance in the car?
Is my favourite meal my shoulder?...

91. What radio station did you last listen to?
Kerrang.

92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
A wolf in a beautiful picture.

93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
Another tick to the list of people to hate me.

94. What is your favorite candle scent?
Lavender, though it sends me to sleep.

95. What is your favorite board game?
Dungeons and Dragons... Yes, i'm a geek.

97. When was the last time you attended church?
I feel sick when I go near them.

98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
Hmph... Miss Knight was always semi nice to me, and I lvoed throwing chairs at Mister Green.

99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
Yes. Don't ask me to do it again.

100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
Pfft, don't be a dick...

Ok, so after about half an hour of bitter sobbing then an hour of depression, then seven hours of lying awake in a hollow daze, I realised, this medication is doing BUGGER ALL for me! It's depressing me, my mind is being MORE eratic, and I'm tense. So I've stopped taking it.

Yup, flushed them down the toilet. I'm better than this. MY girlfriend's absence has an explanation, all of these little paranoid fears are useless. And you know what. I feel fucking GOOD! Screw the world, fuck my classmates. I am me, I am mentaly unstable, but not THAT mentaly unstable, christ.

So! New resolution. I pray I can keep this up.

Untill next time, much love!

~Shaybles.

So, my girlfriend... Of four years... She had to move back to America for a while, so the only way I could really contact her was through her computer. So! recently, God blessed me with another curse of her computer breaking. So I haven't had much talking with her. However... recently I got worried, as it has been a month and 8 days [but who's counting?] since I spoke to her last. So, using my initiative and inteligence... Pfft... I called up her home adress and workplace. [Yes that was VERY expensive.]... And this is what I got.

her workplace is not employing her 'at this time', couldn't tell me why, and her home has a married couple in it who have only recently moved in and have never heard of her...

This leaves my fucked up mind on the new medication two options. 1: Something unthinkable has happened to her. Or, 2: she's moved and no one knows where or why.

I do not believe number two. Allow me to explain my awfull logic.

I've seen and been in enough of these situations to know the chances of number 2 happening are 3% at best. And if I fool myself into believing it IS number 2, then when I am slammed to Earth by the hard hitting reality that it was infact number one it will destroy my alrleady shocked mind and I will deteriorate into a mindless, unwaking machine.

At the moment I am in a shocked state and find myself unable to speak. I can't muster the words. I have no idea what I'm going to do...

Ok guys, the friends who irritated me in DnD apologised to me, said they where wrong... But now I stand in a Dilemma. Allow me to explain.

One the one hand, they apologised, they came to my door and looked, and sounded sincere. They took back everything they said and asked if I could still run and host DnD.

On the other hand, they didn't specify WHY they are sorry, and it COULD be just because I have the only place big enough to host it [barely], and the only other person who could DM hates doing it.

So on the one hand I could be being used, and they could not have learned a lesson. On the other they may be sincere, and I do love DMing on DnD... What should I do?

Please, feel free to leave a comment with your opinions. I'm a little stuck...

Well, I was hoping today would be a good day, and incidentaly, it was, on some scale, and disapointing all at once. I suppose, I'll explain the points. Of course if you're already tired of my insessant nattering, then please read no further ^-^.

Well, let's start posotive as always! On the pluss, it was a good day out at the beach! The sun was out [miraculously, for England!] And I didn't burn as normal! Yay me! =^-^= Alot of friends showed up too! Overall everyone was enjoying themselves. A few friends with Nerf guns digging trenches, having trench warfare xD... One even brought Desert Camo! God I love my friends <3 Geeks are awesomeness epitomised! <3 Let's see... Yes, Barbeque, sunning myself in the true feline fashion! Lots of laughter and fun all around. And I got a new watch!

Now, for the bad points. Which now I think about it seem very pale in comparison. Fickle and foolish. However, Me, and three others, where not in couples. What with my lover not moving back here untill July, and the other three single, it was awkward being surrounded by four couples... All kissing, cuddling... Then of course, there is the sun as a negative too. Due to my pale skin and sensitivity I can't tan, I burn. I have to be a little careful. Then, there was the argument with one of the couples. Kinda put a damper on the day. And, I get the feeling one of the people doesn't like me there. I got nothing but cold, stony silence from them, and glares of anger, and a few muttered insults... However, not everyone will like you, so as always, it's alright! Overall my mood improved.

Overall a good day! I was happy, I enjoyed it... I have a gentle feeling of content and fulfilment and contentment. I enjoyed myself!

Ok, so, let me give you a hypothetical. A friend is running a club, and is getting VERY annoyed with the group. He wants to be a MEMBER of the club, instead of running it. So, you being a nice friend, offer to step in and run the club for him so he can play. Then, he begins rallying the cvlub members up against you, being awkward and acting like a spoilt brat. How do you feel?

Well, I feel like a pile of shit, excreted and tossed aside. A friend was running a DnD group and they where annoying him, so naturaly, my instinct was to help. I stepped in, and he basicaly led the group to be the most awkward pile of cock ends I've ever had to deal with, poking holes in my story which didn't need to be poked in, avoiding the quests I set out specificaly as THEY wanted them, then complaining that I hadn't set it out right... I do apologise for my language, but when I'm irritated I'm afraid I take on my stepfather's traits >.< At any rate... It's horrendous. I was called a crybaby, and a bitch, and told that my numberous mental problems made me a horrible person and I would be alone for most of my life. Suffice to say that was a pretty... Unnecesary blow.

However, before you make judgements you have to remember this is only my side of the story, and despite my best efforts, I do seem to make myself the gleaming angel that has been hurt, and them to be the twisted hellspawn. So please, don't immediatly think of me as glowing and them as horrible. Chances are it was equaly my fault somewhere along the line.

I just wanted to write this out to sort it out in my head I suppose. Overall, I just felt a little attacked and victimised...

Ah well. I hope to write more with more cheerful news soon! Much loves to you all ^-^

WEll, I uhm... Am not quite sure what to write here. I'm fairly new to being a Furry, and am newer still to this site. I suppose I should start by telling a little about me, but I fear I may scare a few people away -Giggles.-

Well, where to start. I suppose with me. I'm a Cat - Fox hybrid [Cafox] , and am a transgender girl, British and in college studying Health and Social care. I plan to glide -giggles.- through Uni, and eventualy become a Counsellor. Let's see... I'm a bit of a geek [understatement of the century!] adoring my gaming <3 Whether it's DnD, Warhammer, or Console gaming. I'm a HUGE fantasy geek. Iadore mythology, and such. What else... Hmm... Ah! My music. Music means alot to me. I can sing [badly] and play the Bass and guitar [even worse than my singing xD] and tend to express myself alot through it.

Now for my little irritating traits [trust me, there are plenty xD] I have very low self esteem and suffer severe paranoia. Because of this I can have trouble communicating. Some people think I have autism but I don't think so. I get twitchy and jumpy pretty easily, and it takes a while for me to open up to people, but once I do you get nothing but loyalty and sweetmess... And if anyone argues, I'll twist your balls off! :D

But enough about my likes and dislikes! Lately things have been, dificult to say the least... With my Girlfriend's lengthy absence I've been having my mood swings. Much more twitchy and jumpy now, and it's putting me under stress. I thank god for my friends keeping me sane, as my mother seems intent of practicaly disowning me. Says I'm 'killing her son' or something. Don't know what she's moaning about, she always wanted a little girll. Ah well. ^-^ t happens eh?

Well, I suppose, that's it for now ^-^ I'll hopefully write more soon.