Oh boy, it's been 7 months since my last journal update

Life is... not looking down at least. I am not going to jinx it.

I'd like to draw more, sometime I wish I can split into multiple versions of myself and each of myself get to enjoy one of the things I want to do then at the end of the day I can merge back together and experience everything. Tho that would probably not work out because I doubt I'll be able to tolerate another me let alone multiple.

ummm sorry for not posting much, it's been a stressful few months.

I did work on something, didn't like it, scrapped it all, started something new, scrapped it again, and started something new again.

I also didn't spend as much time as I could on drawing, sorry.

I am working on something, hopefully I will finally be happy with it? Now that I said it I hope I don't end up hating it again

sorry for the rambling, very tired as I am typing this.

oh, and happy st. patrick's (in 2 days)

No I am not quitting or anything.

I am leaving a lot of things behind, and about to regain a lot of things I have lost.

I am understand this is a change, not a change for the better, but a change that gives me the opportunity to be better.

I am still me, miserable and trying to run away from things that I can't run away from. I'll hate myself for the choices I made and making choices that I know I will hate myself for making.

Or maybe I'll do better, maybe just a little bit, but still better.


okay enough mad rambling about myself that you can ignore, here are info that you may actually care about.
I am regaining access to my desktop computer and re-establishing a routine, there will probably be an increase in productivity, I want to say I've improved my arts over the last several months, and I have, but I am not happy about the progress. I've got the kind of greed they talk about in bibles, I am never happy about what I have, and that've pushed my to learn new stuffs and improve myself, or pushed me into a pit of self-hatred. Either way, I'll keep drawing.

Thank you for your support, I don't usually have an identity of myself so every fav, watch, comment is usually my perception of my existence. Yeah that sounds kinda shallow, materialistic and self-centered, but I spent my whole life made of mostly materials, being only myself, and experiencing what one can when there're billions ways to experience it, so it's all kinda to be expected.

Just know that I am using a lot of replacement words for privacy reasons, and no I am not in a legal battle or in hospital, it's not meant to be understood fully without all the context, just take it at face value.

Over 8 months ago I was [banished] due to a small error on my end, I lost access to basically everything I worked for for half my life, and had to live under restricted access and unable to do much of anything. Since the solution to this [banishment] is complicated, I hired a professional, lets call them [Sorcerer]. [Sorcerer] said this is a tricky situation, and they are not sure how long it would take for them to solve it. 8 months later they said "oh seems like we failed, completely, you can give up or something", which is devastating. It would essentially mean almost everything I have worked for since highschool will be gone.

On the start of October, I consorted another professional, lets call them [Wizard]. [Wizard] said the small error I made was a small error, and the [banishment] can be fixed with a simple solution. What [Sorcerer] did was they used a completely incorrect [Spell] for the solution, it wouldn't solve the problem in a million years. It only took 17 days for the [Wizard] to confirm the [Banishment] will be solved by the end of October.

I wasted 8 months of my life because of a small mistake and the incompetency of a supposed "professional", I am just glad things are getting better.

Thank you all who supported me along the way.

I don't have words to describe it.

I think I mentioned this in my earlier journal, whenever I fuck up my sleep schedule I get a strong sense of deja vu, and it's annoying as hell. I had to attend a family event after a few days of fucked up sleeping schedule (my own fault), and everything feels like a reoccurrence despite I am 100% certain it's my first time in a situation like that. Even worse, every youtube thumbnails I saw that day feels like I have seen them in a specific dream few years ago, but of course that's also my brain forming the idea on the spot. It really fucked with my sense of things and was only funny for the first few hours, then it's just annoying.

During the few days of fucked up sleep schedule, I basically had a half an hour nap right before the end of a 40 something hours of no sleep. When I woke up form that nap, I was still dead tired and my face feels numb due to the position I was in. It took me ten minutes to comprehend the fact that I have eye lids and a face and can control them, then gradually regain the comprehension of things like my limbs and temperature and whatnot. I could control my entire body and feel everything just fine the entire time, but my brain just took a while to re-labeling everything into something I can understand.

Feels like my brain is melting bit by bit but I don't think I care enough to sleep normally. I mean, why spend time not doing and experiencing anything when you can do the opposite of that?

Helped my grandparents to clean out some of the old junks from their place, and they were not happy about that. When I say "junks", I don't mean old stuffs that they don't use anymore, I mean broken down appliances from the last century, expired food, emptied food container etc. Yet, they still think every other junk need to be kept, but can't answer why when asked specifically.

I don't think they are hoarders, at least not the ones you see on TV, but there is a mice problem and all the shelters they unintentionally created don't help. Even after all the stuffs we cleaned out, probably a pickup truck load, I still think there's more that need to be done.

Now they are upset because I am a meanie and got rid of their stuffs, stuffs that they wouldn't even noticed was missing if not for them being thrown out in front of them.

So some rando took over the site and twitter account just to spam, not sure if we should be glad or disappointed by their incompetency.

Apparently they also lost 30k or 300k in the process? I doubt if it's true tho, nonetheless it's take some talent to take over so many stuffs just to get two sides of the spectrum to hate on you and gained absolutely nothing out of it.

come on guys, hating furry is so 2016, move on already.

One of my older family members got admitted to the hospital few days ago. It didn't turn out to be anything serious, just generic old people problems, but the whole experience still sucks.

They seem to be doing much better now, and hopefully will be out of the hospital soon.

Just try to keep yourself healthy enough to not be sent to the hospital, going through the hoops and loops at admin sucks and spending time in the hospital as a patient is actually so damn boring.

The good: top notch action. Much of the super hero movies are so eager to focus on whatever wacky ability the heroes have, it feels a bit underwhelming when it comes to the traditional elements of fights, but they killed it in this one, enclose space, sword fight, skirmish, actually good choreography with shots last longer than 5 seconds, they've got it all. Of course it's not John Wick level of action but it's getting close in some scenes.

The bad: a so so plot with a so so pace. It's not bad by any means, but the story isn't anything to write home about. Lots of clichés of a frenemies duo dynamic you can think of, with pacing that makes you feel like you are watching the movie in chunks instead of a natural flow. It's not horrible, but I definitely felt it watching it.

The ugly: so many references. It's actually great if you get all the comic references, lots of them will make you say "god damn" in an impressive tone if you get them, but, only if you get them. I am lucky enough to watch it with someone who's a comic nerd, and myself is somewhat knowledgeable in the marvel related movies and shows as well, but if you don't, it'll probably feel like a revolving door of characters you don't know about. The plot itself actually heavily rely on the setting of TVA, and if you haven't watched Loki, you'll still understand the plot but the exposition went though so fast you'll likely have a whiplash.

It's a good movie if you like(d) marvel stuffs, enjoy the deadpool humour, or simply want to watch some cool fights. If you are only watching it because it's the new popular movie without any context, I am not gonna gatekeep you but fair warning ahead.

My birthday is real close, like within the week close. I don't like it.

It's just a reminder of me getting older, and putting lots of unwanted irl attention to myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate people who want to celebrate my birthday with me, but at the same time it also feels like social pressure of them expecting something grandeur with me at the center of it.

feels a bit hypocritical to say not wanting attention while posting this here, but anonymity is one hell of a drug to get me act differently I suppose.

I watched Furiosa recently, it's pretty good. They picked the place of abundance to be in the middle of the outback, probably due to setting but still feels weird when the Daintree rainforest is right there.

I wonder if they make Chris Hemsworth speak in his own accent or did he had to tune it up even more. Also with an one eye and a horned character by his side feels like a reference to odin loki and thor. I wish there's more scenes with Jack, he is such a cool character, maybe due to the fact that his design looks like Snake a lot.

The car fights got downgraded compared to fury road, still good, but didn't peak over the masterpiece. the first War Rig fight is up there in terms of quality, and the scene or a bunch of motor bikes getting hooked is cool as well. I guess the thing is there isn't a single vehicle viewer can get attached to, and Furiosa doesn't drive that much in those car fights either which kinda go against my expectation.

The laptop I am using is wonky, I mean I did buy it only because it was the cheapest one I could find and expected the bare minimum, but damn is it the shining example of bare minimum. Just for full disclosure although this computer is old, it isn't damaged, and it was just as slow when I first bought it.

For some reason it seems to share memory and the actual storage? up to 4G of storage can go missing after long use and come back after restarting. Not that it's efficient in using any of those memory tho, after 3 consecutive in game days of Stardew Valley (the highest demanding game this laptop can play) the game starts to get laggy as hell and can potentially crash.

Despite all these I am in contempt, I can still draw using this and despite the low performance there's still performance after the years.

I hate how this sounds like an teenage emo post from the 2000s, I just want things to be better, I just want to have a future to look forward to, I just want to be happy more often.

Maybe I am not doing my best, maybe I deserve it?

Sorry for the rent.

Helldivers 2 and D.R.G. got updated on the same day, Yipee!

Bunch of long overdue buffs on Helldivers, turning all the nerf guns into actually functional weapons. Viper Commandos looks cool, but seems like looks it's about the only thing it has to offer. The secondary triple barrel shotgun seems fun to use, the rifles look so-so, and I can't really think of a good situation to use throwing knifes over grenades.

New season for Deep Rock, Rock and god damn Stone does it look good or what. New weapon skins look sick, played the new mission type and started off extremely boring, but state 2 is pure fun. Feels like going from picking trash on highway to mission impossible. Haven't encountered the new seasonal event yet, but I have high hope for it.

And shadow of the erdtree is coming out in a week or so, shame that I don't have access with my desktop to play it.

Getting a lot more sleepy all day the last few days.

When from sleeping around 6-7 hours a day to 10 hours a day plus an hour or so nap in the afternoon.

Not that I like it either, just happens even after waking up early in the morning and trying to keep myself awake.

Watched The Fall Guy, what a terrible movie. It's essentially a boring romance plot and a non sensical action plot strung together by a badly written mystery-detective plot.

There are some fun moments, and some fun characters that you feel like they cut out 30 minutes worth of character development, definitely would have enjoyed it more if I watched it through only clips after reading through the synopsis. Hell, even the bloopers are more fun than the movie itself.

It's not often that you see Ryan Gosling in a horrible movie, I guess I can say "he is literally me" when everything goes to shit in a boring way.

Manage to re-activate this account after god knows how long, hopefully it's useful instead of another account I have that'll clog up my email.

Still trapped in this god forsaken state without most of my processions, at least this barely functional laptop and the drawing pad are still with me.

Hopefully things can get back to normal soon.