Starting this week, I will be working full time to help my family run the business

It is definitely exhausting for someone who's been Freelancer for such a long time to do full-time job, especially with body this big (340+lbs) as I have to occasionally take some break just to catch my breath (That's my punishment for not exercising at all perhaps lol)

I will have less time for drawing but I'll keep in touch as much as I can

Anyway, Hope you guys having a good day :3

After taking care of my dad who's suffered from lung cancer for almost a year, he's peacefully passed away at the ages of 71, on 19th February 2023

Unlike the sudden lost, since we learn the truth together about his incurable disease, we did have time to think about what is going to happen next, what's inevitable, what business is still undone and finally, what grudges we've yet to forgive and let it go.

We've talked a lot and of course he cried a lot too, thinking about life and death on daily basis.
But that's why we've talk our hearts out, for the first time in forever, I am proud to be his son.
And at the same time, feel very sorry for him.

Several years ago, I've brought him to therapist since he had mental health issue and unable to ever calm down or be at ease.
I told him I want him to feel joy and be peaceful again, which he accepted my honest offer.

I have done my part as a family member and as his son, so I'm in fact relieve that he was finally free from pain and suffering, able to rest in peace at last
---

With all the sorrow and worries gone, it's time to keep on moving with life
Now I have my free time back, I'll keep drawing just like I did and update here more frequently.

Thank you so much for reading through my story, your supports helps me a lot in these hard time.

Praying for all the love and peace for you all <3

Shinodakuma

This one is less about me but more about someone around me.

Due to my father's recent lung examination, followed up by him got hospitalized last night.
He was examined with "Lung cancer"(probably around stage 3) ,which is the real cause behind his pulmonary edema, which is why he got hospitalized in the first place.

My dad got depressed when he learn the truth, but he knew it himself he was the heavy smoker, he's too stubborn to quit and this is the consequence he have to admit.
My mom got trembled when she learn the truth, thankfully she can stands against the pressure this time, if it was old her she would collapsed from crying by now.

This might be the positive vibes we've achieved. After I got treatment on my mental depress I've encourage them and stand by them all the time, I don't want them to feel down as I was all the time back then.
And that encouragement somehow still lives inside them, both of them learn the truth and accept it heartfully, stay hopeful, and thinking about what to do next right now.

After his condition got better, the next step is Chemotherapy. We knew that it won't make much different as his Lung cancer are already on stage 3-4, but if he had to keep on living then he have to at least make sure he was able to do things on his own.

I guess whatever it will be, life goes on, and at least we will walk through it together.

Thank you as usual for your support and caring, Love you all :)

I've recovered from burnout syndrome, not sure if I can call it completely but my mental condition are looking good right now.
That means you can expect more of my new art very soon, I can guarantee that much :D

Still got some depression but much more manageable this time.

The real issue though, I've just recently discover that I am actually suffered from "Caffeine Withdrawal Symptoms"
Caffeine have long worsen my panic attack condition so, I've decide to quit caffeinate and any kind of caffeine-contained drinks altogether.

But as caffeine were identify as addictive substance so, quitting all at once backfire.
Without any caffeinate I can't really stay woke for long, easily fallen asleep most of the time.
Also without it my mental health got worse to the point that suicidal thought returns, luckily it was just briefly and I did figure it out very early that this symptoms are actually the cause behind it.

Right now I have to carefully plan and calculate my caffeine diet.
Seems like I still can't live without it for now, but I got to change it unless my panic attack won't be fully cured.

Aaaanyway, thank you for caring and reading through the story of my life.
The one thing that still keep me living is the supports from people around me, whether it is friends or watchers, I am really grateful that I'm still got some love and care despite what happen to me.

God bless, love you all :3

I decided to write this journal to share my story, for those who wonder and for those who concern about how am I doing right now.

Back at 1st February I have a mental breakdown, REAAAALLY bad this time.
My stress and depression which bottled up for so long can't take it anymore.

** I've committed suicide, but got rescue in time **

Stress from life, career, family, debt, lawsuit on bankruptcy, place to live, future without light at the end of the tunnel, and my grandma also got in surgery as she got to have to cut her legs off(She's 94 and also got alzheimer) ETC.

When it happen, I helping my mom cutting our dad's pill by half with my Nippers that I use for my action figure collection.
She have some argument with me as usual, she's stressful no less than me but all the time I'm the one who got to be treated poorly, I feel like I'm the bottom of our stress pyramid, I have to be the one that take shits from everyone and be done with it, without understanding and apologizing of course.

I felt worthless all the time.

But this time it hits differently, It's like the broken feeling I've bottled up all these time, it's finally shattered.

Out of desperation without sanity left, I hold the nippers in my hands and puncture through my left forearm without hesitation as hard as I can.
My mom saw it and yell "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
But I'm losing control completely, I did it again, but the second puncture I've cut it along my forearm trough my hands, bleeding.

"I don't want to live anymore"
"I don't know what purpose should I be alive"
"I don't know what I'm worth of, I feel worthless all these time"
"I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore"

Is all I scream and crying in respond.

My dad are the one who pass by and rush to stop me, he take nippers in my hands and throw away, hugging me and try to console me.

Back then couple of years ago, my dad has been hit hard with reality that our business went really poorly and we're in big debt, also realizing his health got worse as he got older.
I am the one that stand by his side, taking him to hospital, talking with him, console him, I don't want him to feel lonely and worthless like I did so I also take him to psychotherapist as well.

He did know how much my devotion to stand by his side, and when things get worst for me, he's the one who's stand by my side.

I've cried my heart out, my desperation, my worthless feeling, how badly everyone treat me despite how I want to encourage them, how I end up being the garbage that everyone throws their stress at.

My mom which is also there by that time, try to keep guilt trips me (She's always has been...) but when she finally calm down and realized she did cried and apologizing, taking our first-aid kit to treat my wound while my dad try to console me.

After I've settled down, we've been talk our hearts out, and now we understand each other better like I wish all along.

Also my brothers and sister, they react differently when they learn that I've commit suicide attempt out of desperation(uncontrollably by my mental depress of course)
My oldest brother who was quite a hot-tempered guy also show really weird concern in his own way, but in the end he tear up apologizing he didn't stay by my side like he should, which I have to console him that he's always has been and thanks him for caring me(How the table turn, hahaha)

---

Now everything has been settled. It also leave a mark on my forearm, not a serious wound but I don't know if it will fully heal or turn into scar in some way, but either way I don't mind.

At least things will get better now, for real this time as I know I got the support and understanding by my family this time around.

And thank you as always for reading my story and be a careful watcher.
With your support I can keep being my positive self, I can laugh and smile, I can feel worthy in some way and finally, with everyone around that I can see the hope at the end of tunnel.

Thank you so much
Love ya all <3

- I've been to the psychologist on my 3rd appointment
- follow up with my recent condition, doctor said the medicine effectively improving my mental health
- I got more medicine for the next 3 months, until my next appointment
- Still, I'm occasionally got panic attack when tension rises, like when riding a fast-driving car or get over-excited playing game(E.X. tension on raid boss)
- Doctor said my current medicine will slowly cure my panic attack, in addition he's ordering a medicine for me to take when I got the panic attack and got really nervous, so I can calm down and rest
- My next appointment is around early October

At least my condition is improving, I'm glad to hear that actually.
I'll keep in touch as usual and return to drawing as soon as I possibly can.
Thank you for staying with me :)

I'm currently on my 10th day of my second doctor appointment, this time I only report my follow-up condition and got more medicine after.

I've decide to take some break from drawing and from social network as well, I need to recover as much as I possibly can, both body and mind.
On my hibernation I guess I'll play some more FF14, it is an MMORPG I wanted to play for so long and this is a good opportunity.

Anyway, thanks for reading this and hope you have a nice day.
Also please stay safe from Covid-19
May god bless you :)

Yesterday(10th March) I have an appointment with doctor. Finally, after all I'm waiting for this appointment for a whole month.
And Covid-19 still spreading across the globe at the moment, I have to wear flu mask just to be sure I'm not infected, better safe than sorry.

After registration and vital check, waiting for around 15 minutes, my queue has arrived.

Honestly, everything went the opposite way from what I expected it to be, in a more relaxing way.
The psychologist are quite friendly to consult with, he ask only major issue like my reason for decided to getting a treatment or which exactly is my stress that I need to be fix.

Back then on this scenery, I expected that I have to confess every drama happened in my life and can't stop crying, while what is actually happen is he just ask me the major issue like
- How long did I think I've been living with these mental depress?
- Did I have thought about suicide before?
- If I was, how many times, and have I ever attempt to do it before?
- What is the most breaking point of my sanity and how did I manage to get through it?
And some question like that, it didn't flashbacked me, it didn't feel awful or offended to answer at all.

At the end of interviewing, he's ordering some medicine and appoint me to come later in 2 weeks after.

While I'm getting my appointment card, the nurse ask me if I have spare time left, so I can meet with their psychiatrist and consult my question with her.
Of course I say yes.

The psychiatrist are actually a nurse and also an instructor of this university(which this hospital is located), she's very relaxing to talk with.
I have never met a good listener like this before, like ever. She's listen to every single story of mine without judging, she's encouraging, being positive, she keeps telling me that I made the right decision and I know exactly how to deal with my problem, I've never been so proud of myself like this and glad to know that I can improve myself further more by taking her advice, I feel totally awesome just talking with her.

An hour went by real fast, this must be what people said when you're having a good time, time sure flies.
At the end of my appointment, I got a couple pack of medicine back home and my next appointment waiting for me in 2 weeks.

I don't know if I will get better sooner or later, but I'm sure things will change, at least a talk with psychiatrist is the most relieving talk I've ever consult with someone, it's like that is all the embrace I need in my life.

That is my psychologist/psychiatrist visit experience so far, I'll keep update more when my treatment progress.

And thank you again for being with me, I can't make it here without the support from you guys.
Peace! :3

For the context, yesterday around afternoon there is mass shooting happen in my city, that shopping mall were like 2-3 kilometers away from my house.
(I'm spending my daily routine at home at the moment)

The shooter are soldier, he have personal argument with his superior before he went rogue, killing his superior and his wife, went to the army's armory and take down the guardsman, stole several armed gun and ammunition, then running away to the city and flee into said shopping mall.

Last night is a whole chaos, the shooter was just shot down this morning, totally results around 80 casualties, 23 deceased and more than 50 injured.

It's depressing to hear actually, one of the deceased are just a 2 years old baby that cried during the assault, the shooter just shot down the baby in front of their parents just to shut them up.
One of the victim that died in the incident are the sister of my mother's best friends, my condolence to her.

This incident actually make us question so many things again, the biggest one is the purpose of mainstream media/news reporting.

As soon as the mass shooting happened, the shooter live streaming the massacre on Facebook.
When his account got shut down later on, he stole and use hostage's phone to track down the police team's activity that being live report, such as
- Deploying the sniper team into position(so he moved to the basement floor)
- Assault team using CCTV to track down his location(so he shot down all of the camera)
- Assault team deploying drone for further visual information(and he shot down the drone)
- Reporting on survivor's location(so the shooter followed that track and make those survivor a hostage instead)

The action toward those news report are getting question more and more by the social, because the live broadcast news are actually help out the terrorism and results in more casualties, people are really angry about this and asking for humanity and ultimately, the responsibility from the reporter after all these mess.

Anyway, that's the update about what happened. It's the most tragic mass shooting that ever happen in my city, perhaps in my country, caused by a single man.

Several weeks ago I've meeting and discussing among my close friends about my mental depress condition, couple of them have the same experience(In fact far worse than mine) and been to the doctor before so, I think this might be my best opportunity to get a proper treatment as well.

Here's what happened to me all these year, the reason behind my mental depression

- You might (or might not) heard about "coup" that happen in Thailand before around 7 years ago, that's one of the reason. why and how?
- Like what happened with election in the USA, the tension between different politic PoV starts to torn people apart. in my case, me and my parents.
- Due to the coup, military government didn't handle very well to manage our country, especially the economical part, resulting in many SME closing the business and every company (including the big one) have financial/cash flow issue
- Our family business, a local bakery factory, are the victim among these economic downfall as well. We have the worst time ever running our company, to the point the court summon us to negotiate the settlement with our creditor because we have financial issue and lacks the ability to repay the debt due to what happened above
- The worst case scenario is we have to close our business, let the court sequestrate our property, selling everything to pay the debt and we will have nowhere to live anymore
- The situation didn't get any better, to live your life having a fear of losing everything even a place to live, that stressed the shit out of me on daily basis
- Resulting us to sell our old house to save our company, I used to live there until I'm 8 and move away. I have so many nostalgic memory I cherished and I have plan to go back to live there someday on my own as an independent freelance artist and to avoid my dilemma with my parents as well, now my only hope to be free is gone, forever.
- As time grows by, my self-taught hobby slowly became a job I have to do to live for the reason all above, I can't handle this pressure really well, I worried about every single thing and it drains away my will to live.
- For everything that happen, it's not a simple situation where you can tell or confess to everyone like "Hey my company is about to be bankrupt, I'll have nowhere to live" so I keep it all on my own, depression stacks all over the top like a time bomb
- Now I think it's time to get a proper treatment so I can moving on, and finally, share my story to whom I care. I don't want to hold the burden like a time bomb again

Aaaanyway, after the discussion and confession with my friends, I've contact the mental health department on local hospital to get an appointment, unfortunately in my country we're really lack of medical staff, especially the specialist one, so my appointment with the doctor was on 10th March (I did the phone call last Monday on 27th Jan)

Yes, it is a whole and a half month just waiting for an appointment!!

So I'm kinda have alternate plan, while waiting for the doctor appointment I think I'll go looking for local mental clinic as well.

Lucky enough I've confess about my mental issue and seeing the doctor to my family, even though they still verbally judge me but they are providing support on this matter after all.
Through their acquaintance and friends, they recommend me the mental clinic with the actual doctor from said hospital (In my country the medical staff didn't get paid much like they should so, most of the doctor are open their own clinic/pharmacy aside from their hospital job)

I'll update my status more as soon as thing progress.

Thank you again for reading this journal, seriously I can't be here without you, love ya all <3

I've been hit by severe mental depression since the night before new year, It's the worst new year countdown experience to be honest.
It drains out all of my motivation and my energy, I have to take painkiller on daily dose because the depression really makes my head heavy everyday.

I'm still not recover yet at the moment, It's just I've been on hiatus far too frequently so, I need to update my status to clarify what's going on exactly.
Frankly I'm not sure if I'll be fine or not but I'll try my best to recover.

Thank you and wish you guys have a happy new year!!

Last 2 week I just took some break from any social network/messenger for my better mental health, as whenever I saw a negative life post/ hate speech/ offensive critique from anyone that past through my eyes it just makes me more depressing, more anxiety, as I'm not very mentally healthy atm so I just took some break once in a while.

Now I'm getting better and I'm back to my usual behavior, I'll be chilling with my honey through this winter hibernation, definitely going to draw something like what I just did.

That's the update, peace!

These recent years I'm in a pretty bad mental health condition, results me in making less art.

If you following me you might notice that I've got hit by burnout syndrome since last year.
The situation getting a bit better after my second doujinshi has been published, now I know how to balance things between life and work.

However the mental depress still remain, I'm occasionally affected by it and lose motivation to do things, even lazy around just to calm thing down makes my head questioning my life, even though I didn't want to think about it.

Good thing is my family changed a bit, in a good way.
At least I got less stressful thing to deal with, and that's a good sign.

I'll try to recover from my hiatus whenever I can.
Thank you for staying with me, thank you for supporting me and let me be who I am.

Love you all <3

To be really honest with you guys, in the past couple years I have been through a lot.

First, I got a fight with my best friend few years ago, a really worse one and we break up in the end.
I'm struggled for a whole year, it's not easy when you thinking about something you trying not to, we're too close to be apart but now it's all over, everyday the nightmare repeats in my head.

Even though I mad at him but actually part of me knew that it's not completely his fault, but I can't control my anger and sorrow anymore,
The depression continue to haunt me for a whole year and somehow I can finally moving on, but the wound were still there and we've never talk since then.

Second, Due to this struggle it affects all of my morale, for the past couple of years I'm kind of became mentally unstable, Sometimes I can't control my happiness meter, I feel less happy on the same happiness I used to experienced but I'm being more vulnerable to the sadness instead.
This makes my productivity and performance on working dropped heavily

Third, Due to my stress with family business issue, I've finally discussed with my family and come to the conclusion that I'm quitting from the company and working on my own for living.
This makes drawing became my actual job, not just a hobby anymore.

Fourth, In the past few years I'm still struggle with the sadness from breaking up with my best friend and I have to draw as a job, this makes me feel even less loving to draw something, and by the time I've finished my first Anthology book project, I just lost all of the interest on drawing, a really big one this time.

---

This explains my absent from this fandom and why I'm not open for commission yet even though I've said I'm going to do it for so long.
I just want to put it on hold until I can handle the commission like a professional, I hate doing my job with half-ass effort and I don't wanna do that to my customer at all.


Lastly, thank you everyone for "bearing" with me until now(Sorry for the pun though lol)
All of your support were the thing that makes me what I am today, I'm really appreciate it.

Until next time then, see you guys later!

I've participated with local furry only event "Morph Parade 3" as a circle(with my friends), the date is 25th November.

Right now I'm working on my part with my comic, The story is about the two on my latest submission(I will sell some keychain as well)

Well I only sell this book on this event domestically however, If there's enough feedback I'll talk with my circle about the possibility to sell this comic in digital file version (It will be translated as well if we really do it), I bet they'd like to as well.

Until further activity or my new art, stay tune!

Just an announcement that my friend Junichi will move his account from  fb1907 to  junichiboar , be sure to watch him though :3

It happened since the day after my birthday(6th Oct) but because of the sickness at the moment I'm totally forgot to check my own milestone lol

Anyway it's my 6th anniversary since my first debut to FA and to this furry fandom so, yayyyy!!! XD

Thank you as always for the support, and stay tune to my journal if you're interesting to commission me, I might have some good news soon :3

Couple days ago I got the diarrhea and my body temp was on 38.3 C (100.94 F)
I lose all of my strength due to dehydration combine with fever, all I can do is just rest in the bed for a whole day lol

The first night feels like hell when I'm shaking like living in the middle of winter without heater while I'm actually sweating all over my bed feels like my bed are going to be burnt by my body temp, At that point I can't really tell what's hot and what's cold anymore lol

Today I'm still not fully recover yet but I guess I'm gonna be okay, at least for now.

Never get sick this much for quite a very long time and it had to be my birthday when it happen, what a day lol

https://beta.furrynetwork.com/shinodakuma/

First of all, it's not like I'm leaving FA soon but I just want more gallery for my own so, why not?
Anyway just in case something happen in the future, right? lol

Feel free to follow me either on FN or FA, I'm always welcome every new follower XD
Thank you for the supports as always!! have a nice day guys!!

Thank you so much everyone, I don't know which word can describes my feeling but I'm so happy right now X)

Thank you for following my artwork all along, and welcome to the new watchers as well!!
(as well as those who lost access to their old account due to the big incident on FA last month and make a new one to watch me again!!)

I promise I'll keep drawing more artwork and ultimately it's a very good news for someone who's been expecting this all along because I'll open for commission very soon!!
I'll update the details and the price as soon as I've settle with it through my journal.

Please "bear" with me more and thank you again, folks XP

I'm currently on art streaming at https://picarto.tv/MadeInShinoda

Greetings everyone, today I have some important new regards my drawing.

At last I've made up my mind doing digital art for living, And now I'm gonna need a lot of client in the future.

I'll set up my commission price soon and I'll announce as soon as possible.

Thank you for the supports, love you guys :)

I think pretty much of you guys know where am I but anyway, Here's where you can find me for both gallery and personal life update.

Pixiv
http://www.pixiv.net/member.php?id=2530389

Inkbunny
https://inkbunny.net/ShinodaKuma

DeviantArt
http://shinodahamazaki.deviantart.com/

Tumblr
http://madeinshinoda.tumblr.com/

SoFurry
https://shinodakuma.sofurry.com/

Weasyl
https://www.weasyl.com/profile/shinodahamazaki

I'm yet to create my Furry Network account because I'm kinda have deja vu feeling when everyone says they'll leave FA and move to Weasyl instead so, I'll consider create my FN account if people really moving there.

Anyway, I love you guys as always :P

Feels like wanna ask me something? Here's TMI Tuesday.

Ask me anything you want to know.
Just leave your question below :3

P.S. I'll reply later when I'm awake lol

How about some comparison?
I'll go with the same logic for different movies.

"I'm not Chinese nor I'm Black but I like Rush Hour"

"I'm not fish but I like Finding Nemo"

"I'm not toy but I like Toy Story"

"I'm not autistic but I like Forrest Gump"

Some people's logic is just to show their own prejudice.