Begins the spiral of depression. Things are not going so greatly as of right now. I am simply getting overwhelmed and starting to panic due to financial situations and what not. It seems that the only solace I can give myself is to close my eyes and sing. I wish I was a talented enough poet to spin a tapestry of words into a song. I wish I was brilliant enough to find my mood in music I make myself, it seems I will only be stuck listening to others and letting them become my lyrics. It has a nice feel to it when I can just shut out my worries and feel through a song. currently it is "Won't Back Down" - Hudson Taylor. There is still plenty of things I wish to cover and plenty of tunes I want to create. For now though, It is going to be about getting my life back on track. I have some great friends and plenty of fuzzies I love <3 but still hard when I honestly don't know if I can pay rent next month.. also I can't sleep due to stress. That is not of much assistance either.

Well, I was thinking it was about time I started to actually do something for my own musical career. I wanted to start putting covers up of songs that I like, but I feel as if there is something missing with my voice, or musical abilities. Anywho, back to the point of this, which is that I want to hear of songs that I should cover. Seeing as I usually stick with small artists or something obscure to most people :U. This will help me even more because I want to start performing on the street ^^ So yesh, suggestions with what is "in" right now will help :3

As you may have noticed, I reluctantly have missed a few days of writing, due my Pre-cal Teacher. She must live to make sure her students have no life D: . Despite my initial hatred of her, I realize that she does teach her class as a college professor would, so she is simply getting us ready for college. Which is actually a big plus :D. Other than that, I only have two school related things to bring up ^^.

First off, I have a competition for choir already D:. This month! Haha, being that this is my first year in choir, and my first year trying to get into classical singing (different style of singing then what we hear on the radio) It will be hard for me to catch up to those who have been singing like that for years. Yet I hope i can muster up some sort of talent for it :D.

The second thing is actually rather odd. Some may not like this topic so much, but its the truth. I may be getting my paws on some exstacy soon, from my friend whose lover/friend is a dealer. I want to try it, but i dont really know. I mean i gave her the money and all i am to do now is to wait. Its a little odd, since I have literally always had a connection to drugs (my friends did them) but never really wanted to take it up before o.o. Its not peer pressure, because she doesnt expect me to do it, neither does my other friends, its just something i wanna try.That is all i had for school related things. :D

I know the title says that i would catch you up on a lot of things, but some of these topics are best written when i am in full health. Oh yea! I forgot to mention, the reason I am writing this at 2:03 in the afternoon is because i stayed home sick. haha I had a 102 fever yesterday xD. and I may still have it now, but i cant tell. :D

Yes, so that is today's topic :D. Well kinda haha. My leggies are sore D: from doing lunges during gym T.T.
that is the end of today's journal....



Just kidding :D

Today was rather uneventful, but my friend just got crack and weed from this 46 year old guy as a present, yes I am friends with druggies, they are funny to be around :D. Also, I have not yet partaken in the doing of these mind altering substances. To be honest I kinda want to try it someday, but that's simply because I am that type of person. Someone who wants to experience the world and what it has to offer, we don't really know how long we will be here :/.

Back to what i was originally saying, my legs are sore T.T, and apparently, any skills i used to have from playing basketball are completely gone. I can't even make a shot from the free throw line anymore T.T. So sad, so very very sad.

Also in gym, my friend and his kinda sorta girlfriend (he calls it friends with benefits) are doing the young couple thing and softly flirting. But, this girl will slap him to play around. He has always liked strong girls, but he has a very meek personality, since he has gone through a rough life. Like a lost puppy, once he is dumped or breaks up, he falls in love with the next girl he sees. This is mostly due to his separation anxiety, yet he chooses not to let me help him at all. So, he will continue down this self destructive path :/.

On to a lighter subject~ I just got my music for my first choir competition (its sept. 27th) and I was listening to the CD for tenor one.. I cannot do it that high xD, the singer sounds like a girl sometimes, also, my style of singing is not like the choir style so the transformation will be odd, but doing the choir class will help strengthen and broaden my vocal range. Which will help later if I do get into Broadway :D.

I think that is all I had to say for today, and since no one will likely read this, ..... bah I'll ask anyway, just in case i get some random viewers. Do you have anyone you want to help out with some bad habits? Would you try something illegal, if so, what? And lastly, have you ever been in a self destructive path?

I guess I will start to write a journal here, and really really try to keep up with it. Seeing as my art skills have recently taken a turn for the worst, i rather not post any of my drawings here, like i said i was going to to... Saving myself the embarrassment >.>. I had been giving doing this blog thing a shot, at least i had since Kaza (http://www.furaffinity.net/user/velfred/) mentioned it to me. I honestly don't think I am that interesting of a person, yet what makes a story great is the parts in between the suspense. (Little tid bit of info, it's like 2 am, so I tend to have typos due to the lack of light in my room, so forgive me) So, somethings about myself.... I am currently 17, fixing to get a year older on dec. 20th :D. I love music with a passion unknown to the world. Its the one thing I would literally kill myself if it became illegal. I actually do sing (rather sheepish about doing it in public, only a select few have actually heard me sing), and I also play guitar. (not really good at it, I also tend to stick to the more acoustic stuff. I love to talk, but that's because its a two way conversation, not this one way thing. I am gay, not flamboyant gay, but gay enough to where you would know just by looking at me. Then again, having long hair. Wearing eye liner, and my favorite head band, does not help me look straight. Other than this... I am the kinda person who loves to make people laugh :3, for these last two, three days school has been in, I have made myself, and friends, cry from laughter. Its just something I am good at. But, if wanna be smiling with me, everything is a joke, nothing is off limits. More later as it comes I guess ^^.

Starting today I am going to draw one thing every day. Call it my personal project. I know no one will be reading this because this account has basically been used for favorite-ing things and watching other, BUT from now on I will take every saturday to either just take a pic with my iphone, or scan the pics. I warn anyone who will actually pay attention to my art that it is not good, at least for now. Hopefully it will get better with this project.


If anyone wants my to try my hand at something, just leave a comment and ill work at it until I'm either satisfied of frustrated beyond words :3

Today i woke up and realized how great my life is. I have somebody who loves me, although he is not close by, love is something that cannot be destroyed by distance. Though i don't know if he and I will last, at least I have him now. I am going to a great school, thanks to my aunts, my mom is cool with a lot of the things i do, she even knows I'm gay and doesn't care. Though I am not rich, i can live peacefully and know that there will be something to eat. My family is all great, we talk to each other a lot. Though we insult each other, haha but that's out of love. So over all, I have a great life filled with people that love me, and I love them back. When you think you have it bad, there is always someone worse. If you cant think about a person, there are people who have died before they could enjoy their life, you are still alive and can change your life.

Im really sleepy , but i cant seem to rest , i sleep nude , but i cant take off my boxers because i live with my aunt now , if i lock the door i get up late , hmm.. i hate insomnia , well night all :D

This cold is nothing more than the coldness in my heart.This chilling effect is nothing more than the mental anguish of mine made physical. If my evil is this cold I've been consumed,I've been made into a cold hard block of ice. frozen in a state of mind ,kept away from the outside world, dying for some kind of contact. It came alright. The contact unfreezes my body,lets my smile,lets me love, lets me LIE! What they see is nothing compared to the inside...If only the world could unfreeze my Heart.

Why go on living through this perpetually falling world? We breed for more chaos, we lie to everyone and even to are selves when we say "everything will be alright". Ha! What lies,what slander of these words!! Nothing is alright,we are corrupt,impure from the moment of birth.Hell,why breed those who will bring us pain,and suffering. Where is the peace in this fucking shit-hole of a world?Alas you fear that I will tell you there is no peace,but fear no longer,there is peace.Peace in death."If the darkness is my pain I've been consumed"

I feel like you , im not always happy ,its just what i let you see

some days i wish i were dead

Some days i look in the mirror and im apalled

some days i feel like crying

some days the only thing i think about is pain

some days i feel like cutting the tender flesh on my wrist

some days i feel like my head is going to explode

some days i wonder why i even try

some days i could just jump

some days i wonder if im human

some days i could give a flying shit about u our me

Some days i wanna put a gun to your head and say "u happy now?"

Some days i wanna just disppear

Each night I sleep....The image is the same. Always the same never changing. A man sitting on a bench, his hands covering his face, and his elbows on his knees. He is crushed, not physically, but to him its all the same. The man who sits on the bench is also know as the man who never cries. As a young man he never shed a tear , as an adult his eyes never watered. He learned to suppres all these "unnecessary" emotions. He is like all things in the world. So many colors in things.. everything has all the colors in it. Its is the color that is reflected or rejected that u see. In him all emotions flow into him, but they are trapped inside of his body. The joy you see is false, it is rejected in his mind. Is a fake smile, a smile at all? He sits there thinking about all the things he has done, and that has been done to him. Like a valcano, he was slowly building up emotions , untill today. He erupts from is neutral state of mind , into a human. Screaming in hate,anger, and pain. A single tear slides down the side of his face. This single tear holds all his sorrow, He sits there screaming and now crying. Defenseless to the world, he breaks down. He stops abruptly and brings his knees up to his chin and wraps his arms around his legs, not bothering to wipe the tear streaks away. There on the bench sits a man, crushed by the weight of the world, alone. He sits there curled up. I sit there.

do we just drone on living life like they tell us to ? do we have a mind that reacts like we want it to, does it think and , feel freely? Are we free ? If you think that , then your more of a fool than i thought , we are under corporate power . All the things we watch all the things we hear , are propaganda , if we just leaved off of the land , not needing cars , fast food, and use the sun and moon , the natural things that are around us , that was made to be used ,the world is great , nature is a beatifull , most dont go against the ideas and thoughts of the new , we wouldnt be in debt if we didint go into war . War is another thing , we are all fighting for power of ppl , but what about the power of the people?

Its swings in the wind , not fighting,yet it stays rooted . denying any movement Its beauty know by all. The wind with attempt to rattle this flower , to shake and destroy it. All of the winds attempt are futile. All that the flower loses is its petals , its loses some and gains some over time . Yet by the power of a simple child , the flower can be plucked.
We are all flowers , our beauty seen by someone with eyes .
The wind is the obstacles we face in life .
Our petals our are the materials , we gain and lose depending on the obstacles
The child is death. with death comes a life

Driven...
TO the point of insanity
To the point of breaking
To the point of Destruction
Driven
By the burning need to be something
by the need to be needed
be the needs we share , to be touched,held,claimed and loved

Some are driven by a need that takes them out of the range of human need
Placing them in an animalistic range of need
That need is only filled by one thing
Death

Leave me a comment and I will...

a) Tell you why I befriended you
b) Associate you with something - a song, a color, a photo, a mental image, etc.
c) Tell you something I like about you
d) Tell you a memory I have of you
e) Ask something I've always wanted to know about you
f) In return, you must post this in your journal

GOGOGADGET COMMENTS!

Well this is my first entry so hi all! I dont know how often i will be posting due to other things such as my life ! haha getting in the way^^. I am currently working on a song (my first) and am having a little trouble with the lyrics . Here is all I have...
*just talking, with a soft melody*
Looking back on these days without you
there is no sun
there is no light to let hope feed off of
Girl without you
i am not me
they say home is where the heart is
your my home
and i lost you
*this is where the strumming of the guitar starts*
Girl cant you see!?....................

Thats all i got , i wanna stick these lines in there
"Looking back on the dreams we called the future"
and maybe "Im taken away , just taken away, im not coming back.."
Mind you , this is all acoustic