Hey to those who read this. I have noticed that I haven’t posted for nearly a half year and there's a reason why. Over those past months, I have dealt with many stuff that put me in a challenge of friendships. I’m not gonna go too much into details, cause there's no reason to listen to me whine in a whole journal, so I’m making it short. Some crazy things have happened and it had me go for months to feel extra lonely more than ever. It was so bad it made me feel less active online and posting too. I just haven’t been feeling good and I still feel it that way and it’s not easy to handle.

So yeah, I will try and post some art that I haven’t got up yet along the way and hope this feeling dosen't get any worser with time

Yeah, today i turn another year older ^^

I need to get this out of my system, cause this trouble has gone on for long enough!

I am seriously getting tired of how people has been treating me lately! It's the same it has been over and over for the past couple of years and still keeps going. I'm dealing with a lot of people who keeps trying to take advantages of me, using me and so, treating me like i'm the awful one in all this, threating me and whatsoever... I'm trying to use my heart and kindess, trying to be a friend and this is really how you wish to treat me? I hate to be mean to others, but i hate to go with this awful feeling all the time too.

This experience has made me even more scared to be open to new people, trying to get friends and now i feel i can't do that anymore due to how much this has been put on me. Heck i'm even more scared to keep in contacts with those i already know, making me feel all useless and alone all the time. I'm scared all the time that they would treat me the same way as others has and it has been a lot to deal with. I would love to reach out to anyone, i really do, but my mind keeps saying no all the time! I'm always open to talk with if anyone wanna give me a chance, that i haven't closed out, but it hasn't been any easy for me to talk with others!

So please, i beg you, don't try and use me like i'm a nobody... I have feelings too and i want to be treated friendly. I don't want to be a doormat anymore

Thanks for listening

Another year has went and now I’m already 22. Time really flies hehe ^^

Hi there! So the reason I’m not showing much activity lately, is cause its been one and a half month since i moved out of my parents house and also due to some other personal reasons, but yeah, i needed some time to get comfortable with a new place before doing so much. It hasn’t been any easy, but that's usually how it is in the start. So that's what i got to tell :)

Thanks to for the invite code, i got myself Bluesky

https://bsky.app/profile/silverwolfy.bsky.social

So i'm just gonna leave it here if there some peeps who wants to follow me or not

I finally reached 350 watchers, Which i personally don't understand! There's literally nothing interesting in my Gallery :P

Anyway, i have seen others do it before and i could give it a shot. If you have some questions about me or my character, i will answer you. I’m only gonna do it one time only and That’s it. So if anyone has anything, ask away

Today is my birthday and getting more older now :P So now i reached 21 years in my life and i feel like i just turned 18 not long ago. Time flies, but now I’m here and its time to also celebrate it! Plus today is also the release of The Last of Us tv show and its based of my favorite game of all time, so what a perfect day to be released, so I’m really excited to spend my day on watching the first episode! 😄

So i wanna be calm and explain why i can be such difficult sometimes

Last summer i was going through a rough time. I was dragged into something on a discord server that turned out very horrible and i had no clue why i was suddenly dragged into it, but it became a bigger situation for me and how it affected me for a long time! I was accused on being someone else and that i was just a fake profile. It led to many negative comments and a hating server as well against me and someone i know. I was going to a friend after all that, but suddenly he also accussed me for something and i felt, i really didn't need that and so it led to next and it kept on and on with a lot of betrayal! I was filled with a lot of sadness and anger at the same time that i was losing myself for who i am and since that, i can never stop thinking how it really affected me and how it killed something inside me. I went through months of trust issues and had more trouble to interact with others. It hasn't been easy talking about it with some people and they never understood what was wrong with me, but telling this now really helps!

I just hope whoever read this also would understand that i'm not here to cause any harms or problems. Just to not feel misunderstood!

Thank you for your time

So earlier this week my grandfather passed from cancer. Since that I’ve been much more quiet because i have some issues talking about feelings and i honestly don't know how to ask for help. Even when i want to try, i feel like i can’t and that can also feel lonely for me cause i have trouble sharing my feelings and have No one on my side, if i keep closing myself from others. I’m not sure what i should do

Okay first of all, today was really intense day and how nervous i have been for years for what my future holds! But today i finally got news... I'm adjusted to early retirement!!!

For years no one ever took my disease serious. when i was at the meeting, i was scared that they would just sent me to work in my condition, but they actually read the papers and took me serious and supported me! A doctor told that my disease will only be worser over the years and i'm not capable for work, so i was adjusted to early retirment and now i'm waiting for it to be fully completed, which there is a 99% of to get my early retirement
I was in a lot of tears when i heard the good news and i was actually taken serious! People at my age is very very VERY rare to get early retirement, so i see this as a victory on my side and for a good future to take care of my health

Many times and specially after this weekend, i noticed that i really had tried to push my friends away from me cause of my trust issues and i see that i’m kinda a problem in it! All i want to now is just a new fresh start, trying not to push others away and give friendships a chance! In the end, i will only end up more lonely and sad if keep pushing! Its not gonna be easy, but i really want to change myself and not try to keep to myself all the time, but this is only a small step for now and hopefully a bigger step later down the road ^w^

I'm known to be quiet vexing, i'm just forewarning y'all!
Nothing big on this journal, just a little funny heads up about me, haha XD
And was inspired by Harley Quinn quote from Suicide Squad

Hey there folks! I’m gonna get this out and i will do it gently as possible!

Lately i have been dealing with some very serious trouble, i had to deal with some few friends that ain't my friends anymore. My trust issues are getting more bigger and i sometimes try to think positive, but it ain't easy. I Think its more the real life that really did something to me and i’m realt trying to get trough it as much as possible. Sometimes i feel weak and not able to think about the good things! Today i probably was in a very sad moment that i ended up in a corner and crying! Even my CMT kicks in for my body and makes it worser than it already is! I just know that i’m a little down lately and i will try my best to fight it! I’m not angry at those who has been there for me and has been sweet to me, i’m just not feeling Well atm

Today is my birthday and i’m getting 20 years old now! I’m interested to see what the day brings

So i was tested positive for Covid today! I was close with someone else that was having Covid as well last week, but the good news is that i’m not feeling sick. My throat hurts a little bit, but not that hurtful at least.
The only problem i have is that now i’m being made fun of having Covid. Hecc, even my parents are making fun of me. I’m used to be made fun of when i’m sick, but also having covid? Well, guess i should have seen that coming

I told before that i hate getting help cause of my backstory, but there is also some other thing i haven't told.
One of the reasons i hate getting help is that my body is so weak that i don't have any strength! I'm pretty much dumb and i don't have the power to do anything by myself, but i'm trying to show that there is things i can do without anyones help. With everyone making fun of how weak i am really hurts me! Even when i try something, but it ain't possible for me, i'm being shown as i am giving up fast, but that is not who i am. I don't give up, i just can't do it! The reason why i'm telling this is that i hear some of my friends just wants to help me and i can't or won't accept the help. It's sweet my friends would help me, but i'm not capable to accept help and even if i try, it's like something blocks me of it, like feeling more sad or really down.
So it's not really possible for me and even how hard people tries, i still can't change it!
You can be mad, sad or just say that i'm a horrible friend, but you can't help my problems or change it into the better good

So if i don't talk so much lately or reply to message, its because i have a lot of trust issues on others. No matter what i do or try, I’ll always being treated like i’m the bad guy. And it gets bigger and bigger for everyday for what i’m being seen as. Lately, i thought i had new friends, but it goes like everytime what always happens around me, lies, using me and dosen’t respect me for who i am. Sometimes, i ask myself if friends is just a made up word to give people some happiness?

I want to say that i have been feeling better the last two weeks and i think its amazing how good it turned out, but now the cold times are starting, so it can really affect my mood! The cold is making sure that my whole body will be in extra pain, since that my nerves are very much affected from my sickness. I haven’t slept so much in the last few weeks and my days getting more and more painful. So just a little warning what to expect from me now that its getting colder!

So i have made the decision that from today i won't rp anymore! I want to stop it, since it ruined so many things for me! I can't do it anymore and it's best to let you all know.

At the same time, i even made a decision that for my next birthday, i just want to skip it! I will forget that i have birthday and that i'm gonna be 20 years old when that time comes! Had to make some hard decisions, but that's all i want to say

Lately i have been dealing with much mood swings and been feeling things! I still feel like a No one and that i have nobody! Today is even worse with the feeling! Deep inside, i cry and cry. Everyday is getting worse and i don't feel it's getting better at all. Feeling lonely everyday, sad that i can’t get anything right in my whole life! Sometimes i just think i should be punished for my own guilt! Punish myself and yeah, i actually do hurt myself every week!

Now that my vacation is over and i am started again, i feel worse! My vacation was ruined by people who wanted help with some things! When i tried to help them, it was not good enough and i was pretty much useless. I was to a birthday party and i was pretty much being treated as always when i'm around people. Even my parents ruined the only thing i needed. Some good relaxing and i was pretty much upset about it. But it hurts that they really don't care about how i feel!

I started to listen to Billie Eilish cause her songs are dark and when i started i couldn't stop myself! I went too far with some of her songs and now i have so many dark thoughts in my head! Now i just listen to them over and over to hurt myself even more! I even told my teacher, one that i can really trust about my dark thoughts and she was so worried about me. She defintley got scared when i said that i wanted to end me! My first day was horrible and i can't find a way to relax! I'm in so much pain and these dark thoughts just won't stop. All i tried was to just do good things, but how i'm being treated back by everyone is litterally there where i just want to do nothing anymore.

''I Wanna End Me'' Bury a friend - Billie Eilish

First of all, i want to say thanks to all those who has been supporting me! I love you all for it.

Things have been difficult lately for me. This whole week has been a mess. My parents let me down most of this week after i thought we were going to have some enjoyable time, but no. They just invited friends and drinking. That seriously hurted me and i ended up all alone for myself.
Somebody i know just keeps asking me to lend him some money, cause he always spents it all on gaming and some other useless stuff. Then i'm always the one he's asking. And he's not the only one that uses me for money. I'm tired that people only wants to use me and not see me as a person!

So this week has been a little hard for me, but what makes me happy is that there are still people that are supportive and see me like a friend and not someone you just want to use instead. Thank you all very much

I'm sorry to ask this, but it's a thing i have been thinking of for a long time.

Am i doing right around people? Treating them in a good way or am i just stupid around them and makes it worse?
Since only being around people and have been hurt by most of them, i'm not even sure if i'm a good person. Do i really do something for people? I'm kinda not sure if i'm a good person or even a good friend

More of my problems with my illness is that i i live with pain, have trouble with breating and some problems with my heart! I just hate to live with it and makes it feel like i’m dying