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A not so typical trip to Walmart
Posted 14 years agoI have to shop for my mother (because she can't shop for herself anymore) which usually entails me dragging my ass out of bed at the buttcrack of dawn, walk the dogs, get dressed, hop in the car, try not to get run off road by the hoards of insane Oxy-heads and old people around here who should no more be driving than JEFFERY DAHMER SHOULD BE BABY SITTING, (fuckin Florida,) then head off to Walmart, assuming of course that I survive navigating the labyrinthian, palmtree and construction cone festooned, car-eating hellfuck known as Deep Creek, and that's a bad goddamn gamble. Jesus H tapdancing holy Christ as imagined by Tim Burton and played by Jonny Depp, that may very well be the worst run-on sentence I have ever shat into a text field.
Anyway, I made it in alive, mostly, and decided to get my own shopping out of the way first. I meandered around the ZIPCODE of shitty, five dollar sweatshop underwear looking for a sports bra (and of course they had every conceivable fucking size from jumbo watermelons to why-do-you-even-need-a-bra-you-skinny-little-bitch E-X-C-E-P-T my size) when my eyes fell upon this man with no shirt on. I had to fight the compulsion to zombie-wander up to him and slobber on his bicep to see if he was real because this motherfucker was like ZEUS in a haze of holy, glittering, amber godrays, I shit you not. I think it's against store policy to be lacking of shirtiness but I certainly wasn't going to complain and the Walmart employee nearby was doing her best to pretend she couldn't see the very large almost-naked man wandering around.
I stood there for a while pretending to be engaged in deep analytical consideration of the complexities in Walmart underwear but eventually remembered I was supposed to be shopping, not ogling gay erotica. Thusly, I trudged away into the wilds of Walmart. As soon as I was beyond the range of his smexy godrays, it occurred to me that he had been wandering around the pocketbook section and that was a little... weird.
I looked at the shopping list my mother gave me and I swear, this woman writes in hieroglyphics or something. I could understand every other word or so, maybe. I did manage to comprehend GET CAKE. My older sister (the good one, not the evil one) is coming down and we're celebrating her birthday. Alongside GET CAKE was GET CANDLES at which point my brain went SHIT, how old is she? FUCK! (You're probably thinking what kind of a shitty sister doesn't know how old her sibling is but I don't know how old anyone around me is. >:3 ) I figured I had two options;
1.) Buy 40 or so regular candles and turn her cake into a fucking bonfire, OR
2.) I could just buy the individual numbers.
I bought a 1 a 4 and a 9 so I can put that on her cake and be like HAHAHA! YOU'RE 149 YEARS OLD!!! HHHAAAAGGGGG!!! And there will be lols. I also bought some Metamucil. I'll dump out the powder and stick a frog figurine I bought her in there. More lols. Yes I am a horrible shite. XD
I finished my shopping more or less without incident unless you count getting stuck behind a grandma-parade clogging up a whole aisle because they all came down with a really bad case of CANNOT-SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP-AND MOVE syndrome. It's hilarious, they actually looked at ME as if I was in the wrong because I was trying to get through! CLEAN UP IN AISEL 5, SOMEONE SEEMS TO HAVE PULLED DOWN SOME SHELVES ON A BUNCH OF OLD LADIES. THEY'VE FALLEN AND THEY CAN'T GET UP!!!
When that was over, I sidled into a checkout line just in time to catch the tail-end of some completely whacked-out methnugget lecturing a cashier on all the finer points of how gay people are ruining the entire planet. As I piled my stuff onto the belt, she just smiled and nodded at Mr. Methadone. Finally, he limped away and she busted out laughing. I thought she was laughing at him but apparently she was laughing at the face I was making which I can only imagine looked something like the "U mad" troll face.
En route to the parking lot some doofus slammed into me from the side and knocked over some of my groceries. "Oh! Jeez! I'm sorry! Let me get that. Oh my! Look at all this junk food!" Commence lecture on the virtues of organic veganism. OMHG DUDE, SHUT your FUCKING GAPE! (I didn't say that but I wanted to.) I tried to tell him that it was all for my sister and her larvae but he wouldn't STFU! Worse, he started going through my cart and criticizing everything. Finally I just said "DUDE, birthday party" which didn't slow him down one goddamned bit so I told him to go sit on one of those big, red, dildo-shaped poles over there and have a good spin. While I was putting the groceries in my car I saw him do the same thing to another woman. Is this like... some kind of a marketing ploy? WTF!?
Got home, put my groceries away, and here I am. I will now go take a hot bath while listening to classical music and pretending the rest of the world does not exist. GOOD FUCKING BYE. FUCK.
Anyway, I made it in alive, mostly, and decided to get my own shopping out of the way first. I meandered around the ZIPCODE of shitty, five dollar sweatshop underwear looking for a sports bra (and of course they had every conceivable fucking size from jumbo watermelons to why-do-you-even-need-a-bra-you-skinny-little-bitch E-X-C-E-P-T my size) when my eyes fell upon this man with no shirt on. I had to fight the compulsion to zombie-wander up to him and slobber on his bicep to see if he was real because this motherfucker was like ZEUS in a haze of holy, glittering, amber godrays, I shit you not. I think it's against store policy to be lacking of shirtiness but I certainly wasn't going to complain and the Walmart employee nearby was doing her best to pretend she couldn't see the very large almost-naked man wandering around.
I stood there for a while pretending to be engaged in deep analytical consideration of the complexities in Walmart underwear but eventually remembered I was supposed to be shopping, not ogling gay erotica. Thusly, I trudged away into the wilds of Walmart. As soon as I was beyond the range of his smexy godrays, it occurred to me that he had been wandering around the pocketbook section and that was a little... weird.
I looked at the shopping list my mother gave me and I swear, this woman writes in hieroglyphics or something. I could understand every other word or so, maybe. I did manage to comprehend GET CAKE. My older sister (the good one, not the evil one) is coming down and we're celebrating her birthday. Alongside GET CAKE was GET CANDLES at which point my brain went SHIT, how old is she? FUCK! (You're probably thinking what kind of a shitty sister doesn't know how old her sibling is but I don't know how old anyone around me is. >:3 ) I figured I had two options;
1.) Buy 40 or so regular candles and turn her cake into a fucking bonfire, OR
2.) I could just buy the individual numbers.
I bought a 1 a 4 and a 9 so I can put that on her cake and be like HAHAHA! YOU'RE 149 YEARS OLD!!! HHHAAAAGGGGG!!! And there will be lols. I also bought some Metamucil. I'll dump out the powder and stick a frog figurine I bought her in there. More lols. Yes I am a horrible shite. XD
I finished my shopping more or less without incident unless you count getting stuck behind a grandma-parade clogging up a whole aisle because they all came down with a really bad case of CANNOT-SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP-AND MOVE syndrome. It's hilarious, they actually looked at ME as if I was in the wrong because I was trying to get through! CLEAN UP IN AISEL 5, SOMEONE SEEMS TO HAVE PULLED DOWN SOME SHELVES ON A BUNCH OF OLD LADIES. THEY'VE FALLEN AND THEY CAN'T GET UP!!!
When that was over, I sidled into a checkout line just in time to catch the tail-end of some completely whacked-out methnugget lecturing a cashier on all the finer points of how gay people are ruining the entire planet. As I piled my stuff onto the belt, she just smiled and nodded at Mr. Methadone. Finally, he limped away and she busted out laughing. I thought she was laughing at him but apparently she was laughing at the face I was making which I can only imagine looked something like the "U mad" troll face.
En route to the parking lot some doofus slammed into me from the side and knocked over some of my groceries. "Oh! Jeez! I'm sorry! Let me get that. Oh my! Look at all this junk food!" Commence lecture on the virtues of organic veganism. OMHG DUDE, SHUT your FUCKING GAPE! (I didn't say that but I wanted to.) I tried to tell him that it was all for my sister and her larvae but he wouldn't STFU! Worse, he started going through my cart and criticizing everything. Finally I just said "DUDE, birthday party" which didn't slow him down one goddamned bit so I told him to go sit on one of those big, red, dildo-shaped poles over there and have a good spin. While I was putting the groceries in my car I saw him do the same thing to another woman. Is this like... some kind of a marketing ploy? WTF!?
Got home, put my groceries away, and here I am. I will now go take a hot bath while listening to classical music and pretending the rest of the world does not exist. GOOD FUCKING BYE. FUCK.
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