Yesterday I made a fairly reckless decision. An artist I had been planning to commission revealed that they had expensive bills coming up, so I decided that I would shell out for maximum quality to give them the best leg up possible.

I've known and trusted this artist for the better part of a decade, and I feel that I did the right thing, but it does mean that I will have to be more conservative financially for a while. That means I wont be buying any more commissions until after September. I still have a couple of comms paid for and in production, so I won't be completely silent. Still, my output is going to be much slower.

I just rolled credits on DK Bananza. I won't spoil anything, but I can confirm there are endgame elements that will spread through the furry art community like crazy.

If you were planning to wait for more user opinions before buying your copy, consider this my personal recommendation.

Hope everyone is doing well. I'm not planning on doing anything major for a good while. I do have some good news; I recently bought a few tickets for some concerts taking place in December, including one taking place on my actual birthday! I'm very excited, and I'm fortunate to have been able to afford the tickets.

This does mean that I won't have as much disposable income for a while. I do not intend to buy any commissions during July. As for August, we'll see.

In the meantime, I intend to beat myself up less for the content of my chosen strains of furry pornography. I've picked up some horrendous fetishes, and I wouldn't want to describe them in detail among company. However, I maintain an awareness of the difference between what's real and what isn't, what harms others and what harms me. I know that I don't deserve to put myself down.

Hey guys, how's life treating you? I'm feeling rough, and I don't even have a job yet.

Truth be told, even though I'm living alone with my two cats, I have a lot of support. A pension, a tolerant family, even some NDIS funded support workers. It feels like more than I deserve, and it's enough to maintain a comfortable life...

But at the rate I'm going, odds are it'll be the most I can hope to get.

I don't think I'm ready to cut furry commissions out of my life entirely, but I can't afford to buy one every time my pension comes in. I only intend to buy one a month from now on, and I've already paid for the one I'm getting this June.

I might also be offline for several days, starting around two days from now. A new Mario Kart releasing on the same day as two new Deltarune chapters is diabolical timing, and I intend to avoid spoilers to the best of my ability. After that... I'm not really sure what I'll do.

I won't open this journal with any positive platitudes, because I am not optimistic about my near future.

I enrolled in part-time university around the beginning of March, hoping to develop the skills to turn my life around. Seven weeks of the most brutal stress and anxiety I've felt in recent memory followed that decision.

I have not touched my coursework for several days now. My place in this unit exists in a state of limbo. I'm not strong enough to confront the work I have to do, but I'm too afraid of letting everyone down to officially withdraw.

Now more than ever, I have to consider the possibility that I will indeed never change. I may never be able to earn a higher income, or improve my physical and mental wellbeing. I have to be prepared for the worst outcome, as I feel myself barreling towards it like a plane with busted engines falling from the sky.

I will be taking a hiatus on new commissions for the rest of May. I still have a few commissions I've yet to upload, and am waiting on some artists to complete commissions I've already booked and paid for, so I shouldn't be completely inactive, but other than that I'm stepping back from my role as an art commissioner.

This is partly to ensure I can afford the Switch 2 and its paraphernalia when they release in June, true, but I also need to see just how far my current pension stretches in an increasingly expensive world. There's a good chance that I'll simply have no more room for commissions anymore.

I do want things to be better for me, but I don't really feel hopeful anymore.

Just wanted to share a few goings on in my world quickly.

I'm going to ease up on commissions for a couple months. I preordered a Switch 2- the price is outrageous, but I'm sold on the new Mario Kart. I want to be sure l will have enough money for it when it comes out. Fortunately, I have a few commissions I still need to post here, so I might stagger them out over the next few weeks, if I can find time while my uni studies are kicking my ass.

Also saw the Looney Tunes movie. It is fine.

For many of us, the new year will bring about some major challenges, but I strongly hope that we will all make it through to find ourselves in a better place.

As for me, I'll be doing something special in February. It has nothing to do with the furry community, but if you live in or around Melbourne and want to meet me in person, send me a note and I'll tell you more.

Having entered the final month of the year, I feel that it's time to reflect on the year that's passed. In terms of my presence within this community, my contributions have been lighter than usual. Money's been tight for all of us.

I've wanted to earn a proper income for a while now, and I'm happy to report that I've taken a major first step toward that goal: the completion of a university course on technical mathematics. Not just completion, but one of the highest grades in recent history! My final exam was over 90% correct. For the first time in years, I had genuine hope for my future.

Until the fifth of November.

Even though I'm an Australian citizen, the news of that particular decision filled me with an overwhelming dread. I feel sorry for my American watchers who will be afflicted with the worst of the fallout. I won't dwell on that piece of news any further.

Fortunately, I have a bit of good news. In a week or so, I will be adopting a new kitten. I plan to take good care of him, and I hope my cat Fred is kind to his new playmate.

What does this all mean for you? Well, when you combine everything that's changing for me next year- the rising cost of living, the pressure of raising two cats, the pursuit of further education- furry porn commissions are a vice which I can afford less and less. That's assuming it's still around in a year or two...

I have a couple of commission plans I wish to wrap up in the near future, but otherwise I'll probably cut way back on commission spending. I know I've made similar promises in the past, only to quietly backtrack on them, but I want to make the effort this time. I feel like I have to, for the sake of everyone in my life who loves me and wants to see my potential realised.

Thanks for being a part of my journey.

Looks like project 2025 is a go.

I heard the results from my mom's phone while she was on the toilet. Everything bad about the world is about to get so much worse. Hug a loved one and be grateful for what you have.

I have a confession to make: I bought a large scale commission without informing any of you. My efforts to save money paid off, and I got ByondRAGE to draw two lineups featuring my interpretations of Bowser, Junior and the Koopalings. That commission is almost ready to share, and I can't wait for you to see them.

In the meantime, I had another idea for a series of commissions I could get from Rage after this, naturally involving Bowser. In brief, the scenario is as follows:

To prove his strength and endurance, Bowser is going to free-dive from the shores of a remote island to the deepest depths of the ocean, with no protection and no assistance except for a small unmanned drone.

The picture series would follow Bowser as he visits unique landmarks and aquatic life as he approaches the bottom of the world. I did some light research when planning this series, so it will be inspired by our world's own deep ocean trenches and the ecology thereof, while still containing the fantastical elements of Bowser's world.

If you're wondering how sexy these commissions will be, I can confirm that Bowser will be fully nude and unshelled, concealing nothing during his aquatic adventure. And if you're wondering what Bowser will do when he reaches the bottom of the trench, well.... Let's just say I have a couple ideas.

You may remember, a few years ago, how I commissioned rhynobullraq to draw several pictures of dragons from The Legend of Spyro. In particular, I collaborated with four other commissioners for a group pic of Ignitus, Volteer, Cyril, Terrador and Malefor bathing in a pool of hypnotizing, butt-expanding slime. I've been thinking about those pics a lot recently, and I'd like to revisit these dragons if I can.

In particular, I was thinking I'd like to see the guardians wallowing in the muddy swamp outside their temple, revisiting the pleasure they felt in the slime pool. Naturally their butts would be sticking out. Maybe they'd be using crystal dildos; maybe Spyro and Cynder could join them; maybe their butts will have grown even bigger.

As much as it would make sense to work with rhyno again, though, I'm considering working with a different artist. With rhyno's current prices, a commission with all the dragons I'd like would run a pretty penny, even if I found a co-commissioner. Plus, I'm kinda craving butt sizes bigger than even rhyno's preferences.

On a related note, I kinda want to see what Spyro would look like if he were as mature as the Guardians. It would be fun to have another dragon lad of similar stature to the guardians and Malefor.

UPDATE: I brought up the idea with Rhynobullraq himself, and he was very enthusiastic about the idea of drawing the four Guardians again. In fact, not only has he offered a discounted price of $365, but he's agreed to let me book this commission whenever I'm ready, even if he isn't publicly open.

With my current situation, I'll likely need to save up for several months, or pare down the scope of it to feature only one or two dragons. However, if anyone is willing to help me pay for this commission, I could be convinced to make it happen sooner. Right now I'm only planning to commission the four Guardians at most, but I might be able to add Spyro and/or Cynder if I receive enough support.

For reference, here is a link to the original commission:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36501899/

I've got plenty of ideas in mind for commissions involving ponies with enormous butts wallowing in mud. I could get a comic sequence of a pony or two undergoing the transformation as the sun sets, a group scene of ponies hanging out at a spa or lake, or even a series of pics showing how the main ponies spend their time under the curse.

More specifically, I've discussed these ideas with an artist called stoopedhooy. They make some extremely depraved pony art, and I figured they'd be on board with the plight I want to put these ponies through. We came up with a commission idea in which Shining Armor is stuck in the lair of the changelings, with several alts depicting the increasing levels of punishment inflicted on his ass. Because it would only involve drawing a small portion of shining, the price we settled on is $150 for the lot. It will take a very long time before I can afford that on my own, so if you're willing to help me buy it, send me a note!

I'd like to get more art involving Bowser Jr and the Koopalings, as they appear in my erotic AU. You can get a taste of it in my A World Without Mushrooms folder, although right now that mostly contains art of Bowser and Junior in more mature bodies. Ideally I want to get something showing off seven or eight Koopas.

I'd like to commission an artist who can draw many different types of male body shape, doesn't shy away from enormous butts, but also charges relatively low for a group scene. I was thinking of commissioning ByondRAGE or RunawayEgg, but I'm open to suggestions.

I was originally going to draw my own references for Junior and the 'lings- you may have seen me briefly upload them a while back- but I sadly can't bring myself to finish the job. For those of you who are interested, I will briefly describe them below.

Let's start with Bowser. In a world with no Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser became powerful enough to conquer the entire planet, and his strength has only grown from there. While moderately intelligent, his physical prowess and command over magic is far superior to any other lifeform on the planet. Unfortunately, this means nobody can keep up with his extreme sexual urges. For this reason and this reason alone, Bowser sired an heir- a perfect genetic copy.

Bowser Jr was raised outside of the kingdom, only meeting his father when he reached adulthood and his sex drive was awakened. With only a few years of experience, he is a sexual prodigy with an irresistible body, standing tall and proud over most other Koopas. However, Junior is still but a rookie and a pipsqueak compared to his father. Lord Bowser intends to force Junior through a rigorous regimen of erotic exercises, but Junior refuses to let anyone set the terms of his development. Thus, he has fled to the secret hideout of the Koopalings.

In this timeline, the Koopalings are a squad of six male concubines who each have a unique sexual specialty. Through dedication and training, they have eclipsed everyone but Bowser in their chosen talent. Yet, such is Bowser's absolute dominance that he similarly eclipses the Koopalings in every way.

Their leader is Larry, a Koopa who specialises in testicles, fertility and dominance. He has a massive set of balls and cums like a firehose, and he's eager to assert superiority over anyone he can. He's got a big butt for a dom, and he has a way of hypnotizing people with its jiggle.

Lemmy is the newest recruit of the Koopalings, a natural entertainer who specialises in flexibility, exhibitionism and stamina. He loves to draw attention to his naked body with his pearlescent hair dye and body glitter, and is capable of tying his body into all sorts of knots.

Iggy is the kingdom's resident mad scientist, who specialises in degeneracy, body modding and constitution. As a massive fan of Bowser, Iggy has undergone plastic surgery several times. He's given himself horn and muzzle implants resembling Bowser's, and has done his hair to match. Je also has a comically large set of butt implants. He will do literally anything for his king, having the smarts to make his most perverted dreams a reality, as well as the guts to join his filthiest indulgences.

Roy is the powerhouse of the Koopalings, being the most muscular and well-endowed among them. This former humble bricklayer caught Bowser's eye thanks to the astounding size of his erection, and as a Koopaling he had developed an attitude and an ego. He rarely ever wears sunglasses anymore.

Morton is the tallest and fattest Koopaling. He has the biggest butt by weight, although it is flabby and misshapen. He's the oral specialist of the group, with a wide mouth and a bottomless stomach that can swallow an entire tank whole! Despite his appetite, he has a sophisticated palate.

Ludwig is a nobleman, and the anal specialist of the Koopalings. His butt is the third biggest, narrowly beaten by Morton and Iggy. However, Ludwig's ass is easily the most fuckable, being all natural and perfectly shaped. His anus can accommodate all manner of insertion, and it has significant suction power.

Oh yeah, in this universe, Koopas can breathe through their buttholes. This also gives them the ability to suck things up into their buttholes. I'd like to see more pics involving anal suction- right now it's not even a tag on e621.

But that's all I have to say for now. I can talk more about these Koopas if anyone is interested.

Those of you who've been following me for a while should be familiar with the work of StrikerSA. He is a long-standing, talented and passionate artist, not to mention a friendly and empathetic individual. His artwork helped me realise that I have a quicksand and muckplay kink, and I've always had a soft spot for his cast of original characters.

In fact, if you are a fellow watcher of Striker's gallery, you may have noticed a few commissions I've gotten from him which star his OCs exclusively. I've always thought such pics are a better fit for his gallery than mine, but that doesn't mean I'm not highly satisfied with the work he's done.

Striker's commissions have always been much cheaper than they ought to be- yet more proof that Striker draws for the love of the game- so normally I wouldn't need to solicit co-funding like this. But sometimes I can't help but dream big things when I see his work.

For instance, his two-parter from last year, Don't Drink and Drive:

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/51333079/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/51345895/

This amusing series of events sees Striker's cast of ladies on a joyride across the sea, with a drunken Phoenix at the helm of the motorboat. Despite Tizi's concerns and Mei Jing's optimism, we next see the boat with a massive gash on its side. The boat has gone under, and the girls go down with it once more.

Naturally, I've come up with a follow-up to that duology. I won't spoil too many details, but it goes like this: The first of two images will see the girls walking along the sea-bed, having abandoned the boat, making their way to the shore. There are a few blubby grumblings among the group, more concerned about the arduous walk between them and the shore than any danger of drowning. Mei Jing blurbles out something along the lines of "it's not like we can sink a second time, right?" Meanwhile, a couple of the girls notice their feet slip a little lower into the sand...

The next pic shows the girls in a scenic patch of underwater quicksand seamlessly blending into the seabed, with everyone having sunk up to their nostrils at least. The few girls whose eyes remain above the quicksand are giving Mei Jing the dirtiest looks you can imagine.

As much as I'd like to get these pics, their scale adds up quite a lot. Two eight-char color pics with backgrounds would cost a total of $190- an absolute steal for the volume and quality of the art, but still more than I can spare at a time. But I know I'm not the only fan of Striker's work, so who knows?

That's just one example, but there are plenty more scenarios I could put his characters in. And if Striker ever decides to take comic comms again, I'll have more ideas still. For now, though, we can focus on the concept above.

Spoilers below for Ratchet and Clank: Rift Apart.

A couple of weeks ago, rhynobullraq publicly posted this artwork of Dr Nefarious from Ratchet & Clank:

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/55752785/

I was compelled to check this out again after beating Rift Apart again, and I am very impressed by what rhyno had pulled off here. But as much as I'm fond of this particular art piece, I wouldn't say I feel very attracted to Dr Nefarious in general.

Emperor Nefarious, though, is another matter entirely.

This alternate dimension counterpart of Dr Nefarious is a glow-up in every way. The striking color palette, the sleekness of his design, his smooth and commanding voice. I gotta say, would.

I have half a mind to see what Rhyno can do with the cooler Nefarious. Maybe a prideful pose that presents an enlarged rubbery rump with imposing dominance. At a minimum, he'd charge around $100 for this kind of pic, but with my current financial situation I would have to split the bill with at least one person.

If I could collaborate with more than one other buyer, though, I could expand the pic with extra characters. He could compare butts with Dr Nefarious (naturally the emperor's would clearly be bigger), or sit on a defeated Ratchet and/or Rivet. I could also consider other artists for this idea.

Let me know what you think of this bad boy.

One of the characters I'd like to do more with is my Lombax character, Dyllex Sorze.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/51123875/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46720317/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/46720340/

His claim to fame is the invention of Homebrew Nanotech: a delicious fluid infused with illegally modified Nanobots. When ingested, the altered nanites adjust the behaviour of the stock Nanite swarm, bestowing new forms and abilities onto its user. The potential of Homebrew Nanotech is limited only by Dyllex's imagination, and the laws of cartoon sci-fi physics.

For Lombaxes, Dyllex has developed several dozen different Homebrew routines with all sorts of effects. He would be honoured to invite a small group of fellow Lombaxes to his apartment for a saucy sampling party.

If you're not a Lombax, however, Dyllex might still have something for you. While Homebrew Nanotech has to be hard coded to work with specific species, Dyllex has adapted his favourite Homebrew effect into thousands of variations for almost every species in the galaxy. What is his favourite Homebrew? Butt growth, of course!

I'm keen to see Dyllex sharing his brews with many other OCs. He can really get wild with fellow Lombaxes, but he'll be eager to experiment with any other species willing to volunteer. If Dyllex has caught your eye and you want to know more about his invention, you know how to contact me.

I enjoy buying commissions. I like seeing talented, open-minded artists take my ideas and give them a form I can easily share with others. Unfortunately, I don't make enough money to buy commissions as quickly as I come up with the ideas. I've been fortunate enough to afford a brief splurge over the past few weeks, but going forward I will have to be very, very selective regarding what commissions I get myself. But what if I didn't have to pay for them by myself?

I've noticed that many of my commissions have gotten love from users who like to buy their own commissions, and I think we could accomplish much more if we pooled our resources. From now on, if I have a big commission idea that can't reasonably be bought for less than US$100, I'm going to post about it in a journal. That journal will not be featured, and I won't go into too much detail in the journal title, so if you're worried about spoilers you can ignore these journals. But if you're interested, and in a position to donate, I'll describe my idea in as much detail as possible.

But you don't have to wait for my journals. You can also contact me directly if you're interested in seeing more of a particular character or continuity I've commissioned in the past. If you're lucky, I'll already have ideas in the works. I'd be happy to share them with you if you're interested, even if you're not looking to help me buy a commission.

If you're interested in co-financing a commission with me, you can add me as a friend on Discord or message me on Telegram- my contact info can be found on my profile bio. My notes are open here on FA as well, although the lack of instant notifications makes it a less preferable option compared to Discord/Telegram.

Splitting the bill among multiple like-minded users will allow me to commission the more elaborate scenes that would otherwise be outside my budget. I hope you'll consider lending me your assistance in this endeavor.

I have had a very bad day. I've been trying to go without furry content, but I've made myself feel so terrible about it. I've shed tears several times today, and the sadness didn't go away until i logged back into FurAffinity and looked at sexy creatures.

I'm not going to be ready for a prolonged absence on February. I have a doctor's appointment on the 30th, and I'll try to bring up my mental health as an issue if I have time amongst the many other issues I'm going for. In the meantime, I'm going to set the deadline for my break back another month.

It's also true that I've been low on money the past fortnight. I acquired a high-end VR headset for my computer, but I've been having issues getting it to connect. I should have more money in a couple of days, so I might buy a commission or two and see how I feel.

UPDATE: The text of this journal is no longer accurate. I will keep it up as evidence of my mental state at the time. I have added more information to the bottom of the journal.

As you know, on the 12th of December, I backed out of my commitment to exit the NSFW furry community, believing that I was not ready to go that far. In the weeks since, my mental and physical wellbeing has only gotten worse, as the addiction to pornography I was once able to regulate has spiralled out of control. Comparing how I feel now to how I felt when I was getting ready to quit, it's obvious that sticking around was not the right decision.

And yet, I've been afraid to walk away from all of this, because I genuinely love what I can find here. I love all the inventive fanart and the commissions I've gotten, and I really do wish I could keep getting more. But while my passion for erotic furry art has gotten stronger, my passion for everything else has withered and died.

There are so many things I wish I could enjoy doing- clearing out my game backlog, catching up on tv shows, learning new artistic skills, even basic self-maintenance. But instead all I do is lie in bed and wank, because i had a passing thought about a cute character a couple of hours ago and porn is all I could think about since.

I've always been absolutely terrible with managing delayed gratification. If I have items in my pantry more complicated to prepare than "open and eat from package," I often leave it to spoil while I fill up on snack food and give myself indigestion. And I struggle to do everything a healthy adult needs to do every morning when nothing is stopping me from just browsing smut on my phone instead.

I've had my doubts about this fandom for several months... maybe even years. I have so many opportunities to make myself something better, so much support to improve and maintain myself, but I've never made the effort.

I think the reason why is that I'm afraid of failure. If there's a good chance that all the effort I put in won't get me to where I want to go, what sense does it make to try? Because the old adage isn't true- it absolutely CAN hurt to try.

I feel like I'm lying on a bed of nails at the bottom of a deep pit. Sure, I could climb up the walls of the pit and try to escape out the top, but if I lost my grip and fell- or worse, if I was pushed- the pain of falling onto the nails would far exceed the pain of lying on them. And I don't even know if what awaits me outside the pit isn't just more nails.

By keeping my FA and e6 accounts active, I am conceding defeat, refusing to change and improve as a person. Every smutty fanart I fave, every word of sexual AU fanfic lore I write, every single erotic interaction, is a step further into the depths of depravity. My physical and mental health will continue to decline, my inner turmoil will churn unabated, until the strain I place on the ones I love becomes unbearable, and I am deprived of what little pleasure I have left.

Or, I could change.

Instead of continuing to languish in thoughtless hedonism until my support rots out underneath me, dooming me to a lifetime of greater suffering, I could quit this addiction. I would logout of all my furry accounts, cleanse my devices of pornographic content, and restrict my dark urges to my imagination. This too would involve great suffering, but at least there's a chance that suffering would eventually end.

So, I've decided that I will leave on February 1st, and this time I mean it. I don't think I will ever be able to heal unless I do. To everyone reading this journal, if you care about me in any way outside of being an occasional source of sexy art and comms, please help me commit to this exit. Do not allow me to hang around after January faving submissions and asking for commissions as if I'm not suffering on the inside. Remind me of how all this really makes me feel, and make sure all my SinkingStone accounts fall silent.

I know who I am, and I know I won't be able to stay away forever. At some point, after I've left, I'll make my return, ready to contribute my ideas once again. And when I do, one of two things will be true: either I've become capable of maintaining a stable and independent lifestyle, or I never will.

Thank you for supporting me for the past decade.

UPDATE: I don't think I can follow through on the exit I've planned above. I actually have a doctor's appointment on the 30th, so I'm going to stick around at least until I have a plan based on that. So you can assume I'm not leaving after all.

It's currently the evening of December 11th, and my birthday- the day I promised I would delete everything- is tomorrow. I was confident that I needed to cut myself out of this space entirely. I'm now not sure that I do, or even that I'm capable of doing so.

Frankly, I love the art that comes from this community, and I'm tired of pretending otherwise. I want to stay, but I need to be healthier about it. So here are the goals I will set for myself tomorrow:

All my art accounts will be deleted, except for FurAffinity and e621. I don't have any interest in maintaining any more accounts than that. I will be deleting my Discord server for the same reason.

I will be cutting back on commissions severely, if not entirely. I also won't post them myself unless the artist themselves won't do so.

I might take up drawing my own art again. I can't promise it'll be consistent in quality or punctuality, but if I feel like drawing porn, I won't stop myself.

I guess that's all I wanted to say.

I'm currently lying in bed as I type this on my phone, recovering after an exhausting trip to the city to see a concert last night. It was certainly entertaining, but with the hotel room, the merch, and the overpriced food, it was also expensive. I don't regret going, but I wonder: if I had decided not to buy the concert ticket, and all the money I spent had instead gone towards a furry porn commission, would I have enjoyed that more?

I'll be honest: this week has been really bad for me. When I first made the pledge to delete my accounts, I felt better than I ever had been. I was doing more to look after myself, I was more optimistic, I was kinder to myself. But I couldn't keep it up. I had one cheat day too many, and now all the bad vibes I held back have overtaken me.

I've heard plenty of good advice from plenty of places about how to do better and I just... don't. It doesn't feel right to say that I can't, or that I won't. My failure just feels like an inevitability, and trying to be a better person is like trying to change my eye colour. The best I can do is conceal my true nature, to hide from the world so that I don't damage it.

What am I even doing, thinking about deleting my accounts? Maybe porn isn't the anchor weighing me down. Maybe it's the only thing allowing me to breathe under an ocean of stress, anxiety and depression. Maybe the anchor is everything else wrong with me: my broken, worn-out body and my corrupted, unsalvageable mind. Or maybe my addiction is what's making me feel this way and I would feel better if I didn't feed into it for a while.

I have no idea what to do in this situation, but in three days I'll have to make a choice. We'll see how I feel on the day, but something tells me I'll make the wrong decision.

The past three weeks have gone by in a flash. In seven days it will be my birthday, and I will no longer be active on this website.

I wish I could say that things have been going up for me, but that's sadly not the case. I've had a hard time keeping up my better habits recently. I keep succumbing to the temptation to log in and look at porn way too frequently, and I've masturbated more than once a day for the past couple of days. Also for the past couple of days, my optimism has faded and my fatigue has compounded. I'm no better at self-discipline and self-improvement than I was when I made my declaration last month.

Should I really keep pushing myself like this? Is my consumption of furry porn really the anchor around my neck I perceive it to be, or is it my sole relief from a life bereft of good health and promising opportunities? All I want is for the pain to stop, but it's always there, pulling me down. The more I try to stand on my own feet, the more it hurts.

I've been told I might regret deleting all of my accounts, but i refuse to believe that it could be any worse than the regret I already feel, that I did not look after my body and spirit while I was capable of doing so. If I could extract my perversions from my body like pus from a zit, I would gladly do so. But there are some things about myself that I just cannot change.

And yet I cannot forgive myself. I cannot accept these things about myself. I have to live every waking second of my life in fear, that i might one day lose control and do something irreparable to myself, or worse yet, those I love. I can't see any form of relief from this fear, this tension, aside from ending my own life, and even this would irreparably damage my loved ones. So I have sat and suffered in silence for all these years.

I have felt for a long time that I need to step away from this community, but I've always been afraid of what will happen if I don't succeed. If I put everything I have into improving myself only to fall back down into the deepest depths, I will have no chance of ever recovering again. Maybe this fear is what's holding me back. Maybe I should just do it.

Or maybe it's possible to manage this. Maybe a couple of days' worth of indulgence isn't a plunge into the depths, but rather a slip of the foot on the long, arduous climb to the peak. I don't have to give up. I can find a new footing, catch my breath and keep climbing.

So I suppose my plans haven't really changed after all. I'll transfer my credentials for this account on my birthday and keep my porn consumption to a minimum from then on. I'm always going to have days when I feel like everything is terrible, but the best thing to do is process those feelings and get them out, so that I can make better plans when I'm done.

But above all else, I refuse to believe that I am hopeless. I have not done anything permanent, anything irreversible, anything that cannot be repaired or recovered. I just have to do what I can.

It is currently the 30th of November in my timezone, and I am about as close to the day of departure as I am removed from when I first announced it. I'm still a long way from being fully functional, but I'm proud of the improvements I've made in the past two weeks.

I'm making a serious effort to reduce my habit of masturbation. I'm keeping track of how often I do it, and most days I only do it once. I definitely feel much better overall on those days where I do it once versus the days when I succumb to the urge multiple times. It's clear to me that I was right about the long term negative impacts of my addiction.

I still have more progress to make, though, as I still have a habit of browsing furry porn just for the sake of it. I'll admit, I still love furries and their big butts, and I don't think that will ever change. But I need to be sure that I'm not just looking that stuff up on a whim, especially not when I'm in public. I mean jeez.

One interest I have fully given up on, however, is making my own porn, written, illustrated or even rendered. Shortly after I made last week's update journal, I started writing some lore about a MLP AU, thus bringing all of this full circle, centered around a draconequus OC who is to butts what Discord is to chaos. I pushed myself to complete the first draft of the lore, and I'm disappointed with the effect it had on me. I have added the document to the Dropbox archive if you're curious.

I'm also dropping my interest in learning 3D rendering. I'm not going to pursue my creative ambition if I want to use those talents exclusively for porn. That was the case with my attempts to learn the draw and use Blender- as substitutes for my inability to buy commissions at the pace and quality I desired. My interests were so highly specific that I didn't have the patience to absorb the essential tutorials and exercises for beginners.

I've put too much creative energy into pornography for the past decade, and I feel it's necessary for me to refocus on work-safe endeavours.

The past couple of weeks have reinforced my belief that reducing my consumption of porn will improve my quality of life, but I also realise that a complete exit from the fandom is unnecessarily drastic. I can't completely abandon those plans, though- I've seen so much improvement since making that decision, I fear I might slip back into old habits if I relented now.

I've taken on board the suggestion that I hand over the keys to my FA, as it were, and that's what I plan to do. I won't delete the account outright, but I also won't be using it after the deadline. I'll also keep my e6 account as a passive consumer- it's just too useful a website. All my other accounts on furry art sites are still set for deletion though. As much as I appreciate their merits, they are redundant at best.

Anyway, I have a couple of goals for this week, namely cleaning up my phone. I want to stop browsing porn in bed and make it something I actually have to get up for. I'll be logging out of websites that I have access to on my PC, clearing out my browser history, resetting my keyboard predictive text, all that stuff. By the end of this week I want to be able to hand my phone over to people without feeling paranoid.

I'll also be cleaning up my discord presence. I'm going to leave all NSFW servers except for my own, and unfriend people I'm only interacting with for porn. I'll probably keep a few close friends around, but my friend list is in dire need of pruning.

So that's my half-time report done. As always, here is a fresh invite link to my Discord server: https://discord.com/invite/uXutX2Ax

I'm also going to post direct links to my three archives.

Dropbox archive: https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fo/fbz1.....tmtpw&dl=0

PC archive: https://drive.google.com/drive/fold.....iBru41_a1pJ8Vg

Phone archive: https://drive.google.com/drive/fold.....fvjDmlLa-p5MYk

Thank you again for all your support.

It's been six days since I announced my impending departure from the furry community. One quarter of the days between then and the date of my departure have elapsed. I thought it would be appropriate to give an update on how I'm doing.

As much as I appreciate the support I've received from everyone, I still believe that a total exit is the right thing to do. From the moment I made the decision to leave, it was like my life magically got better. I wasn't improving by leaps and bounds, but I was able to take important steps that I struggled with, and I felt optimistic about my future for the first time in years.

I even found more enjoyment in porn as something I chose to engage with, rather than something I did on autopilot. Unfortunately, the moment I relapsed into masturbating more frequently is the moment that keeping up the good decisions about my life got much harder. If the past six days has been any indicator of how the next 18 will go, I take it as proof that I made the right decision.

That doesn't mean I've not taken your comments on board. Some of you suggest I merely hand over the accounts to a friend and lock myself out instead of purging them. I'll consider it, but I remind you that virtually everything I've commissioned can be found in my archives on the Discord server.

What I will do is phase out certain aspects of my porn consumption gradually with each six day milestone. Today, I'll wipe my local save of the phone archive. At the halfway mark, I'll sign out of my accounts on mobile. For the last quarter, I'll save everything to a folder on my computer and compress it. Finally, on the due date, I'll sign out of FurAffinity and e621, delete my other furry accounts, and purge the archives from the internet.

I'm also going to retire from making my own sexually explicit work. I find it only feeds into my worst impulses. Maybe I'll see what I can finish before the deadline, but I personally do not wish to expend my creative energy on making pornography. I want to develop creative skills in a worksafe context. I'll only consider using those skills for porn when they come as naturally to me as writing.

Thank you again for showing support over the past week, but I remain convinced that this exit is something I need to do. Even if I completely kick my bad habits, I'll miss the people of the community.

https://discord.com/invite/XtWJMqsg

After making my last journal, I realised that I have a significant mental health problem, in no small part due to the time I've spent as a member of the NSFW furry community. I've had terrible self-image problems, I've felt no motivation to fulfil my basic survival needs, let alone improve and grow as a person, and I've struggled to sleep at night from unrelenting existential dread and trauma. I used to view furry pornography as my only relief from my struggles, but now I feel that comparison is similar to how an alcoholic views drinking or a drug addict views narcotics.

As much as I enjoy the commissions I've bought over the years, the friends I've made in this circle and the new points of view I've been able to experience, when I look at where I am today and where I was a decade ago, I can't honestly say that the impact has been all that positive. In fact, it's been so negative that up until now I haven't fully opened up about its effect with anyone; not you, not my therapist, not even my own mother.

I don't think furry porn is inherently negative; there are plenty of users who are able to balance a healthy lifestyle with a place in this community. I am not one of those users. I'm an addict, and I need rehabilitation. I've tried to quit being a furry a couple of times in the past, but the temptation to return has always been too strong to resist and too easy to relent to. The only way I have managed to cut a vice like this out of my life in the past is by making a relapse too much of a hassle to follow through on. So that's what I'm going to do here.

On the 12th of December, 2023, I am going to delete my entire presence in the furry fandom.

I will terminate my accounts with FurAffinity, Inkbunny, itaku, Telegram and e621. If I can gain access to my weasyl and sofurry accounts, I will delete those as well. I will also leave any NSFW Discord servers I'm currently signed into, and unfriend anyone with whom I have had no relation outside of sharing and collaborating on NSFW furry artwork. This is the most drastic exit I have ever planned, but it is a necessary step if I am to heal as a person.

However, I have decided to announce my departure in advance so that anyone who is interested in the art I've helped make can preserve it before I wipe my presence from the internet. While many of my commissions will live on via e621 and the original artist's galleries, there are many things that will be lost forever if I deleted them now: commissions I never uploaded, commissions I removed from my galleries, lore dumps and written plans for future commissions, and even my primitive attempts at making my own art.

If any of you are interested in preserving this material, I have compiled every scrap of explicit material I've had a hand in producing over the past nine years into a collection of archives. I haven't put much effort into sorting these files, so there will be many duplicate files, unlabeled triggers and unsorted folders. These archives exist for your benefit more than they do mine. If you're interested in browsing the archives, you can find links in my Discord server: https://discord.com/invite/XtWJMqsg
Alternatively, you can send me a note here on FurAffinity if you want to receive links to the archives directly. For everyone else, I'll probably post links into the journal closer to the day of deletion.

I'd like to take this time to say some final words to everyone reading.

For my followers over the years:
Thank you for your support. I was always happy to see the faves pour in every time I uploaded a commission. I probably shouldn't have spent as much money on these pictures as I did, but knowing I brought some amount of joy to that many people makes me glad to have made the investment. I genuinely wish I could continue buying commissions for you to enjoy, but I need to start putting my own needs first.

For the artists I've recently asked about commissions:
You can consider this my official withdrawal of interest. I probably made a lot more inquiries than I could realistically afford, which is another reason why I believe my interest in NSFW material has become an uncontrollable obsession. I was always worried that I'd be letting you down if I discussed potential commission ideas only to tell you I wouldn't be buying anything, but now that outcome is unavoidable. I apologise for leading you on.

For the artists I've commissioned in the past:
Please don't interpret this decision as me being ashamed of my purchases. I'm genuinely happy with just about everything you all have made for me. Regardless of how your pieces may have turned out, I'm grateful that you gave me the opportunity to work with you, and I'm proud that you were able to deliver on what I asked of you. Please don't feel like you're in any way responsible for my current mental state- the fault is mine for overindulging in furry pornography in general, of which my commissions were a mere fraction.

For the artists currently working on a commission for me:
Given everything I've recently admitted, my confessions and my plans to leave, you might consider cancelling my commission. Let me just say that I've always enjoyed receiving updates from my commissions, and I would be genuinely happy if you persevered to finish my commission before I leave on the 12th of December. Ultimately, though, what you do with the WIP commission is entirely up to you. You can work with me to finish it to my satisfaction, you can cut me off and do what you want with what you have, or you can issue a full or partial refund if that's what you want to do. You can even keep the money and block me if you want. It won't matter after I'm gone.

My plans after the 12th of December
When the day comes on which I delete my presence in the furry fandom, I will turn 28 years old. After a decade of unchecked pornography consumption, I will initiate a newer, healthier phase of my life. At least, that's the plan. I'm fairly convinced that quitting is what I need to do in this situation, so please do what you can to ensure I actually do. If I announce that I've changed my mind and won't quit on the 12th after all, please ignore this announcement and do what you can to shoo me out after my birthday.

I will consider my leave from the furry community to be a success if I am able to secure full-time employment and/or reduce my pornography consumption to healthy levels, where I feel the need to masturbate no more than two or three times a week. I estimate that I'll need at least a year to accomplish this. If I make a new FurAffinity account before 2025, I want you to grill me for evidence that I've been steadily employed for at least a month. If I cannot present such evidence, kick me the fuck out. I will be beyond disappointed if this attempt at self improvement fails after everything I sacrifice for the sake of it.

If you've read this far, then I thank you sincerely for caring so much about me. I'm grateful for the support you've shown me over the years, and I hope you understand that I bear no ill will towards any of you for the way things have turned out for me. If I'm able to turn my life around, I hope I can return to this community and rekindle our connections. If not, then my farewell on the 12th will be my final farewell to you.

One last thing: I sincerely hope that your life has been made better by the art I've commissioned and the thousands of pieces like them, but I also think it's worth analysing the effect it's had on you. What trajectory has your life been on between your first exposure to furry porn and now? I hope you are in a better place than when you started. If not, you might want to consider following my lead. Whatever you decide, know that I only want the best for you, and I'm happy you've been here to support me during my time here.

Let the countdown begin.