These days I'm incredibly reclusive. The only other person I speak with regularly is my partner. When I first spoke with him, I had already decided it was the last person I would ever try to befriend. I was so broken at that point and burned by so many people, people I thought I was close with. Every community I had tried to participate in has shunned me, and with hostility. So I never thought that decision to just try one more time would lead to a relationship, let alone such a loving one. A lot of my extremely limited energy goes into it, but it's worth it.

So after over a decade of desperately trying to find somewhere to fit, I gave up. I've finally accepted that I can't fit in with any community. I have my partner and that means the world to me, and it has helped me come to terms with this. Though I still feel haunted by the harassment I faced here over a decade ago. Especially the "part 2" that happened a few years ago, because of the "friends" of the one person still on here I thought I could trust. I just can't do the clique thing.

Although I always had trouble communicating in spoken word, once I had access to the internet, speaking through writing was easy for me. That is no longer the case. It brings me great anxiety, even outright terror, to try communicate at all outside of my partner. I'm afraid to reply to things most of all. I think it started, years ago, in not wanting to reply "too fast" out of fear of being seen as too eager to talk to people. Then I became afraid that I was replying "too slow" because I started struggling and taking hours to write a response. That fear then became a fear of responding "too late" as long times would pass before I'd say anything, until I would just end up saying nothing. The two individuals on here who still didn't hate me for some reason, I ended up neglecting because of this fear. Although I used to be very active online, the past few years, I have essentially been like a ghost.

Even in real life, I feel like I've been in some sort of state of stasis. I feel too sick and have so little energy I hardly have it in me to even do the things I want to do. I feel trapped, almost paralyzed with fear of doing anything, with covid only amplifying that further.

I'll be turning 32 soon yet I still feel like a child and I hate it. I need help with things that should be so basic. I hardly understand how to do anything that someone my age should be expected to know how to do. In my current circumstance I feel like I'm not allowed to, and I'm terrified to try. Ever since I got laid off we had to sell my car I've lost what little independence I had. But I don't have the energy to hold a job, the only reason I was even able to keep the one I had was because they made massive accommodations for me. I don't have many skills, I could only get an associates degree as a result of the limitations MS brought me when I developed it halfway through. I've been out of work for a long time now, but I feel like I have to "get my shit together" before that can happen. I've been basically been just trying to gather both mental and physical strength, trying to get some semblance of health back, I know it's already a huge privilege to even be able to do that. I guess I feel too ashamed in general to be worthy to communicate with others, which is another reason I'm so disconnected.

Because of my age I feel even more like an outsider. Back when I was a teenager on the internet it wasn't unusual to see people my age now in fandoms, but now it seems as if people are expected to no longer enjoy things once they hit 30. And I feel like I've missed out on so much. Even though I was aware that I was non-binary (called genderqueer at the time) over a decade ago...it was only a few years ago that I had learned that nonbinary people are even allowed to be on HRT get any sort of surgery. Yet despite that I'm still terrified of seeking those options even if they might be available to me. But I also worry it's too late. I feel betrayed by my own ignorance. It doesn't help that the words my therapist told me when I talked to her about my identity still ring clear in my head despite being so long ago, she said "I thought that was just an internet thing".

It's not that I'm entirely unhappy though. Talking with my partner brings me more joy than most things ever have in my entire life. I feel so loved and cared about in a way I never have before. He accepts me for who I am when so few have. He makes an effort to listen to me when most people in my life would just automatically brush me off and only pretend to listen. He lives in a different country, but was able to visit several months ago. Experiences like that give me hope.

But that hope dwindles as covid carries on yet the world continues as if it is over. It would be especially dangerous for me to catch it, so I've been even more reclusive than normal, and with restrictions lifted it is no longer safe for him to visit me again even if he could. I feel like I'm just waiting until I can forge a new life together with him.

Anyway. I realize I've just gone on a long rant that isn't really about anything. I came in with this having a plan but it got off the rails.

I wanted to say that I think the way that the internet has changed is a big driving factor to my lack of activity anywhere. Everything moves so fast and is expected to move so fast that I can't keep up which drives more anxiety. Real life is expected to be fully intergrated but I'm not comfortable with that information being public, especially with what horrible people do with that information.

Ever since I realized my interest in ABDL things, I also felt pressure to keep that entirely separate from everything else. But I found it so difficult, to maintain different accounts, everything just ended up getting neglected. I always felt like I had to "hide" different parts of myself. But I'm so tired of that. I want the freedom to be genuinely me in all aspects. So I'm actually planning to relocate some old stuff and ultimately just use this account for art in general.

When it comes to FA specifically, there's this prevailing attitude (especially among babyfurs) of...I guess I'd call it "good vibes only" syndrome or "toxic positivity". This has been rampant as long as I've been on here. Where people will turn a blind eye to genuine suffering and ignore cruelty because saying anything would be "being negative", and anyone who wasn't expressing happiness 24/7 or would dare point out things like blatant racism or transphobia would be attacked and shunned. Even a simple 'that was hurtful' is enough to draw scorn from the community. I might make an entirely new journal regarding primarily this issue.

Lastly, I've essentially not had the energy to create. It's so physically exhausting to me these days that I hardly draw at all. My desire to do so has been limited as well. I can doodle, but it's tough for me to actually "finish" anything beyond rough sketches. Nowadays there are so many amazing artists that I feel like there isn't any room for me anymore anyway.

Despite all this, I'm doing ok. I never planned to live as long as I have, but I want to keep living. Sorry if it just comes off as whining. I know I've seriously let down friends repeatedly because of my own fears and reclusiveness, and just saying sorry for constantly disappearing isn't enough. I've only ever given people on FA my telegram, but I have a hard time with how it works and neglect to use it... I do have a Discord which I am actually active on and can be consistently contacted there, and can PM that to those who ask if I know you. Thanks for reading.

First off, I want to apologize for the pretty incoherent journals I have made previously. I'm 100% fine now and can write with clarity and calmness.

So to start, my experience on FA on a "regular" furry was peaceful and drama-free. I never felt unwelcome and the community was friendly. However, I eventually discovered the babyfur/littlefur community and really want to be a part of it, as I had discovered my interest in ABDL and the idea of cute slice of life stories revolving around such an early period in life was so wholesome and comforting to me. Despite my efforts though, there was always a sense of alienation. Still that wasn't too discouraging at first because it takes time for others to become familiar with you. But I never quite was able to find my "place" in the community. Everyone already had their cliques. Even still it wasn't too disheartening as I didn't feel actively unwelcome.

At least until an encounter with a particular user, who is no longer around. An important thing to note is that this user was HUGELY popular and EXTREMELY influential and was at the time basically one of the "big names" in the babyfur community who was admired by most of the community. So it wasn't just some nobody like myself who were on equal footing in terms of social standing. The "receipts" so to speak have been lost to time, so I can unfortunately only go off on my memory and trust that I can be taken on my word. I had made a journal, doing one of those memes that was something along the lines of "describe the following events in your life with the title of a song" or something like that. Now for context, I had been struggling with suicidal ideation ever since I was about 6 years old, though I kept it mostly to myself because I don't wish to burden others and it's honestly uncomfortale for me to talk about. I can't remember what the prompt was, but I do recall writing the song title "Behind the Crimson Door" by HIM as one of the answers as a way to express those feelings in the meme. This user made a cruel joke about my answer, something along the lines of "Behind the Crimson Door are you on your period or something lol"

Now that's bad on its own, but considering the context made it offensive on an entirely new level. I don't recall exactly how I responded, but I did respond essentially saying such a comment is unwelcome as it's rude and insensitive. They returned with basically saying I'm an oversensitive sjw and accused me of being a hypocrite because in my description I wrote that I tended to have a "dark sense of humor" and should welcome his "gross" jokes. He also said something along the lines that I should accept it because I am "a woman". For more context, I am assigned female at birth, and had struggled with dysphoria ever since puberty. At the time I was unaware that was even a "thing" and that I could identify as anything other than female. So, my fursona at the time was female. It wasn't until many years later when I learned of dysphoria and that it was possible to experiment with ones gender identity - in fact, it was something I was in the midst of doing at the time. So again, taking issue with what he had said, I explained how the song title was representative of suicidal ideation and that he shouldn't be making jokes in regards to that and told him that I wasn't a woman.
I believe he then made a snarky remark about me being "mentally ill", to which I expressed that a large portion of the furry community struggles with mental illness so when he makes "jokes" like that he's not only being cruel to me, but also to the furry community as a whole. He, of course, paid no attention to context and accused me of calling all furries mentally ill, and refused to listen to anything I said.

Soon after, I discovered he made a journal about me. He didn't mention my name specifically, but it was very obviously about me and the argument we had. It was a journal filled with extreme misrepresentations of what I had said and outright lies. He made slanderous remarks about me and numerous accusations including calling me "sexist" due to not identifying with my birth sex. This journal got TONS responses from a large portion of the babyfur community talking about how awful I supposedly was. Including people who I had been on good terms with prior. I was incredibly upset by this, and did something incredibly stupid as a result because I was young and autistic - I tried to defend myself in the comments. This lead to a harassment campaign against me by both him and his friends, and they accused me of harassing him.

I felt backed into a corner and I had people parroting his lies as well as mocking me for talking about issues that were deeply personal to me. So I abandoned my original account. This happened maybe about 7 years ago. But it has still haunted me ever since and tainted my experience here. I still wanted to post art, however, so I made this account about a year later.

Still, I felt as though I had to be in hiding. I was fearful of him and his influence. I had to distance myself from all his associates - which essentially meant about 70% of the entire babyfur community. It was, and still is, hard to find others who didn't have ties to this person in some way. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before a similar, though smaller incident occurred with another "big name" in the community, one who is still VERY relevant. 6 years ago this person acted in a very insensitive and rude manner towards a good friend of mine who had stuck with me through all of this. In their rudeness, they used a racist phrase, and when my friend called them out on it, instead of apologizing, they acted in a defensive, dismissive, and passive aggressive manner not just towards them but also toward anyone, including myself, who tried to explain to her what was wrong with what she said. A lot of people consider this person their favorite artist, and it seems most of the fandom are either friends with her or look up to her. This is a major contributor to me feeling unwelcome.

It unfortunately doesn't stop there though. There is someone who has essentially taken the "place" of the one who harassed me. There was a struggling person that I was friendly with who were dealing with a similar situation. This person made a very tone deaf and dismissive response to just block them. I expressed how it's not that easy when you're dealing with someone who is big in the community and tried to help the friendly person by advising them that they might want to do what I did to try to minimize the harassment. They (not the friendly person) responded to me and implied they were all too familiar with what happened with me, defending his harassment and essentially calling me stupid. As this is yet another well-known user who has ties with many in the community, the pool of people I feel safe around shrunk ever still.Ironically, this was the first person I ever did block and mostly didn't think too much of it.

Though eventually this person found their way to the only active user who I was on good terms with and also didn't have any associations with the previous two. Still, they wouldn't have known and I didn't hold it against them. Yet still, it did add to my sense of discomfort and feelings of entrapment. It didn't help that they were close to someone who had also been a jerk to me, but whatever, I didn't hold it against them. Though at the time I also was totally unaware that this person had also been a jerk to a mutual friend. But I'll get to that later.

More recently, around the start of this year, I had seen someone make consistently bigoted remarks in the comments on said friends content. As they never called them out on this and completely let it slide, talking with them as though they didn't say such things, I took it upon myself to explain to them that their comments are hurtful and why that is the case. I made absolutely sure to be friendly to them, communicating in good faith under the assumption they just didn't know any better. It ultimately turned into a huge thing where this person said some REALLY nasty stuff that go far and beyond the rules of the site, towards me, a friend, and every marginalized group you can think of, as all while trying to "justify" it by claiming to be Christian, yet clearly having absolutely no understanding of the Bible and actively going against their God's word. As this was more recent, I do have evidence, and had reported them, though nothing seems to have been done about them. Either way I realized dealing with them was a waste of time so I blocked them. Still, my friend was very much still involved with this person and didn't seem willing to understand just how bad the issue was, even though this was far beyond a mere personal problem and goes into this person being unhealthy for the site as a whole. It also didn't help that in response to me venting about the behavior by another mutual friend - described in prior journals, they sung praises of both of these parties while completely ignoring what I had said. I wasn't expecting them to cut ties with them or anything, but you'd expect a friend to at least express some sort of sympathy rather than praising the people who are giving you a hard time.

I am now also under the belief that the ex mutual friend has been making active efforts to try to move in on those who I had been associating with and trying to get them to cut ties with me - but while I do have my reasons to believe this, it is mere speculation at this point. Still, their behavior is suspicious and further generates these feelings of alienation from the community.

Anyway, after this, both me and a friend reconnected with the person who had been a jerk to us. Things seemed to be going well, and we seemed to collectively manage to get the mutual friend to understand the harms of the behavior from that particular bigot. Without any prompting they told me that they are done associating with that person. I thought, well, that's good as long as its their own decision and not because they felt pressured or anything. But then, in a conversation with the reconnected friend, I was accused of "telling me all the things you don't like about me" in response to me providing a different perspective in regards to what others see as "rude" or "polite", where I was basically explaining that sometimes being more blunt comes off as a good thing in certain situations because it expresses that you are taking the situation, or other person seriously, and that responding in an overly friendly manner in such situations can actually be very rude and give off the impression that you're not taking it seriously and don't care, as well as coming off as passive aggressive. This person turns around after what I said using exactly the type of tone I described, saying stuff like they "wish me well" and hope I can hang around with other people who "suit me more", in this context, basically reading like "fuck you I don't care what you say and I don't want to talk to you anymore". Something that would have actually come off as more polite had they just gone right out and say it. After this I realized that the person who I thought was my friend was only causing me more hardship with their ignorance especially as they've surrounded themselves with people who treat me like trash and actively antagonize me. I even found out they had lied about cutting ties with the bigot. This person who I once saw as a pillar of the community had repeatedly shunned and disregarded me and had abandoned our journey in learning and growing as people as we tried to navigate a world that was hostile to us. I realized then, they had become part of that hostile world.

So I made those incoherent messages about leaving, having something of a mental breakdown I suppose. I felt ever more trapped, having nowhere to go and repeatedly betrayed by those I had trusted. And honestly, I still do. I have no more illusions of having a sense of security and safety and a community to belong to. I'm not alone in the world as a whole - I have an extremely loving partner, a kind mother, and a few friends. and I'm very very thankful for them. But in terms of communities, especially the babyfur community, I have seen that I am and always will be an outcast.

And yet. I like drawing, I like writing. I like slice of life fictional stories. I like furry characters. I like sharing what I create, and seeing what others create. I want to share and be shared to. There aren't many places to indulge in this hobby in an organized fashion. I've still been working slowly to establish a more robust portfolio and improve as an artist in order to take commissions. I can't just abandon everything. I appreciate the few who have stayed with me through all of this. I know that despite everything I shouldn't give up, even though it hurts every time I come here from the experiences I have had. That is why even though I think it's a lost cause socially, I will continue to post. So I felt the need to explain everything that had contributed to my strange behavior, and can only hope that others can be understanding and maybe come to understand it as well. And please don't antagonize anyone because of what I said, as I want all this drama to be put to rest rather than exacerbated. Maybe someday these events will no longer haunt me and I can come here without stress. As for anyone who has taken the time to read this long journal, thank you for listening.

maybe it was a bit too much of a reaction. i have a bad habit of just quitting when too many bad things happen. i suppose its a means of trying to regain control of a situation where i feel powerless. but. its not fair to other people. probably makes them feel bad when they've done nothing wrong. confused, too, since they don't know what had happened. its a bit of a double-edged sword, as i want to make things better, but if i talked about everything that goes on i'd just be creating drama and thats the last thing i want. i don't want to be the person encouraging harassment even if i don't name names, and leading to people saying horrible things about someone who is actually their friend but they don't know it. to not give a person a chance to defend themselves or work things out in private. i would never do what he did, who started all of this so many years ago. but by just up and leaving without any explanation doesn't do any good either. but at the same time i can't just pretend like everything is fine.

all i've ever wanted was a community to feel like i belong to. a place to call 'home'. i don't care too much about being liked by everyone, that's an unrealistic expectation. i don't even expect to never be hurt - people say or do hurtful things accidentally all the time, and most of the time it's not a big deal. i'd like it if people would tell me, 'hey this thing you did is hurtful' and give me the chance to adjust my behavior, but they don't. they don't try to have a discussion. likewise, i'd like other people to be open to doing the same, to just have a discussion about it. to work together. to be willing to apologize and work on ways to make the situation better for everyone. for them to just listen and understand what went wrong and what can be done about it. even if there's something i need to change to make it right. for minor things, all it takes is a 'sorry' and trying not to repeat it...and even if they do, as long as it was a mistake, i'm willing to forgive without a problem, many times even, as long as they're willing to have that discussion. but many aren't willing to have a discussion. it could turn out that the problem is on me and that i just misunderstood or didn't have the whole context. but we never know when they aren't willing to even talk about it.

in times like this i had spent countless hours with people trying to explain to them why it's important. so much so that often the root of the actual issue never gets discussed because i spend so much time trying to convince them to just listen. then they create more and more issues on top of it. things that should be a 5 minute discussion at most with everything sorted out and both parties on peaceful terms ends up with broken relationships because they aren't willing to actually converse. they'll make assumptions about me that are false, sometimes coming from me not expressing myself correctly which was common in the past, or just...completely missing the point seemingly willingly in order to avoid actually addressing the topic. for example, making assumptions that are not based on anything i actually did or said, but their own delusions. one person assuming that they'd be left out of a group event i'd started even though they had known me long enough and were close enough with me to know i would NEVER do that and would go very much out of my way to include them should they wish to be included. another assuming i'd roll my eyes at them, thinking badly of them and thinking that they are stupid if i so much as not 100% for sure agree with them on something and would need to hear more in order to solidify an opinion. another assuming for years that i was some sort of abusive control freak and being fearful of me as a result of my bluntness reminding them of their father, without even notifying me of this, leading to them ostracizing me from a community because i was concerned with another member scmoozing with the both of us, while simultaneously talking trash about the other in an attempt to tear us apart. it worked, since they were unwilling to even discuss the problem. when a mutual friend blocked me presumably over a journal i had made without even speaking to me about it, another's response to me expressing upset over this was to talk about how great of a person they, and another person whom i had told them had behaved with extreme bigotry were. the thought of conversing with these people and encouraging us to communicate and work things out was disregarded even as i asked about it. in these last two cases i had not initially expected them to cut contact with these people as one of them had assumed, i just wanted my feelings to be taken seriously by people who i thought were my friends. all of these people were those i'd known for a long time, one in real life for as long as about 13 years. though, only one of these events had taken place on here, and i suppose, ultimately, the one that made me fully realize how little i mattered to people i thought i trusted, when a similar event happened with them and a seemingly mutual friend for a third time. things that would be trivial were they to have been people i barely knew, but become betrayals when they were believed to be close and trustworthy on a very seemingly mutual basis.

my takeaway from this is that it doesn't really matter what i do, my worth as a person is so minimal that i will be toyed with no matter what. the only solution is to refrain from interacting with others on any level beyond superficial. i thought the only way to do this would be to leave, but perhaps that isn't the case. i've decided, then, that i may continue to post. but i should refrain from conversing with others.

I thought it would be fun to put together a journal about my favorite songs. There's a lot of music I like, but I want to try to keep this relatively short, but it was hard because I have a lot of songs that I love. I decided that I'd probably describe my favorite songs as those that invoke the feeling of frisson and/or have some significant meaning to me. Maybe people would find it interesting, or discover new songs they can enjoy too. People often say that someones favorite songs tend to give a look into the kind of person they are, so maybe it could help people get to know me better.


Benson Hedges - fun.
This song is powerful, I love the opening and I love to sing this one. It vaguely reminds me of the experience I had during Hurricane Sandy where we we were stranded for a while before then because fallen trees were blocking the road in all directions, but eventually they got cleared, so we traveled to a motel that had power because after several days without it, there was no heat and it got dangerously cold. Combined with the desire I often have to just leave everything and everyone behind under the assumption no one wants me around anyway and I've never fit in anywhere, but sometimes people say things that remind me that they actually enjoy having me around despite my distance and cynicism.


Be Calm - fun.
I'm linking to an AMV for this one because it's my most favorite AMV of all time, using what I consider the most beautiful anime of all time. I actually went to Anime Boston in 2016 and had an amazing time, but I had missed the AMV contest so I watched some of the winning videos afterwards. Some bad stuff also happened though, and hearing the song and its similarities to how I felt then helped me cope with it. I actually discovered fun. through this video in the first place which came to become one of my favorite bands. This is a very relatable song to me, especially given that I see so much of myself in the protagonist of the Kids on the Slope anime. Listening to this has helped me be calm during rough times.


Sleepwalking Past Hope - HIM
This is actually probably my most favorite song of all time, and has been my favorite song for the longest as well. It's a VERY long song, at 10 minutes. I find the chorus incredibly beautiful and soothing. It's also a rather haunting song, but that's also what makes it so beautiful to me. Even though it's my favorite, I don't really have much to say about it besides how much I adore the melody and the piano. Though I do have a funny memory of the first time I heard the song, I was listening to the CD for the first time while driving to school and because of how it changes tone during the midsection, I actually thought it was two different songs at first until it went back into the chorus near the end.

Sweet Pandemonium - HIM
This list would be ridiculously long if I didn't limit myself to two per artist. HIM is my all-time favorite band and probably the only band that I literally like ALL of their songs. I've even gone to one of their concerts (and it was incredible). I decided to choose this one because I really like its inclusion of the theremin. This, as with every HIM song, also has that "haunting and beautiful" vibe to it, which I have a great amount of affection for. I have issues with anxiety, and this is one of those songs that pretty much never fail to calm me.

Sayonara wa Iwanai - Personz
This song is extremely sentimental and nostalgic to me. This song is used in the ending of the Yu Y Hakusho Movie: The Poltergeist Report. It was, I believe, either the first or second DVD I ever owned and was only able to even watch DVDs because I had a PS2. I still remember the buzz the CRT TV made during the credits sequence at around 3:21. This was the first song in Japanese I ever learned, and I remember printing out the lyrics to learn them and sing along to this. I love the instrumentation. At the time when I first heard it I was having an incredibly hard time coping with my best friend who had moved away, who I had visited once but seemed to have no trouble adjusting, already finding a group of friends for themselves that summer, but even years later I was still alone. I also struggled to cope with the death of my father, and the fact that I ended up losing contact with the few others that showed me kindness, and one in particular that I was quite fond of and lamented not having the bravery to get their number on the last day of me being in the program we were in - as when we met, the internet was still in its infancy and it wasn't as easy to keep in contact with people as it is now. It helped me a lot in dealing with those feelings, and this song still means a whole lot to me and is very dear to my heart. It also helps that it's from what is still one of my favorite anime series of all time.

Tompkins Square Park - Mumford & Sons
Mumford & Sons is another one of my favorite bands, but I generally, greatly prefer their older music. However, this song is a HUGE standout to the point of being my favorite songs of theirs. The instrumental on its own is amazing and probably my favorite instrumental for songs that have lyrics. It's just such a gorgeous song. It is reminiscent to me of Doukyuusei, an extremely good BL (boys love) manga with an incredible animated OVA.

Hopeless Wanderer - Mumford & Sons
It's a song I can relate to in a way - particularly, in regards to my presence online. I don't tend to stick around much. There isn't anywhere I call 'home' online and tend to wander from place to place, not getting particularly close to anyone and having a tendency to just disappear. I tend not to form strong attachments to others unless they make a persistent effort because I am afraid of that attachment being taken advantage of as so many others have. It's scary to be vulnerable. But now that I'm in a relationship, I know that I can "love the skies I'm under".

The Despair Factor - A.F.I
A.F.I was my first favorite band. I loved the melancholy tone of their music and they were basically my gateway to various alternative music. The album this song is on, "The Art of Drowning", is probably my most favorite album of all time and I highly recommend listening to the whole thing, in its proper order, if you like this song. Back when I first heard it, I related to this song a lot. And although they're not my #1 anymore, I still love most of their music.

No Resurrection - A.F.I
Much like Mumford & Sons, I'm not as fond of A.F.I's newer music as opposed to their older stuff. However, I really like this one. It's one of many songs that I find very reminiscent of my feelings toward a particularly ugly breakup with a former best friend a few years ago.

The Suffering - Coheed and Cambria
The guitar is so good in this. This is probably one of the more well-known songs on this list. I've loved this song for a long time, but found even more meaning of it when it too I find relatable to that same fallout.

Big Freeze - Muse
Yet another song that reminds me of the aforementioned event. I like Muse songs a lot but this is my favorite of theirs. It's a really beautiful and bittersweet song. Especially the wailing of the guitar in the line "We're collapsing in stellar clouds of gas.". The song perfectly conveys the hopelessness of wanting to be listened to by someone who doesn't want to hear it.

Lights - Ellie Goulding
While not often my type of music, I really like this one. The synth sounds really cool and calming. It's something that sort of invokes a sort of melancholy nostalgia that's bittersweet, reminding me of being in the car at night, coming home from long trips, and watching the lights go by while music played on the radio. The complex feelings of finding both fear and comfort from lights in the darkness, and only really feeling safe in rooms when the door is open and not locked.

Revvin' Up - Crush40
Another nostalgia-inducing song, except this time it's one of the few fully positive ones. I used to be really into Sonic as a kid, and like many discovered Crush40 through Sonic. In fact, their CD was either the first or second thing I ever ordered online (the other being the soundtrack for Okage: Shadow King.) This song is is just super hype and super good, I love the energy of the vocals and it's my favorite song of theirs. It's also very fun to sing.

Topeka - Ludo
Ludo is another of my favorite bands. It's really hard to pick a favorite of theirs, but if I had to pick one it'd be this. It's very catchy, and I really love the line "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future."


There are others, but I thought the list was long enough already that I might make separate lists for things like music from video games and anime openings. Though I'll mention that some other artists I really like that are not shown here are: Brand New, Voltaire, Johnathan Coulton, The Killers, My Chemical Romance, Malice Mizer, Nightwish, The Rasmus, and Kotani Kinya. One of my other all-time favorite songs is by my favorite composer, Motoi Sakuraba, from the game Baten Kaitos, which is also something I might talk about later. Anyways, I hope this can be remotely interesting for anyone especially since I spent a lot of time putting this together and writing my thoughts, haha.

"so you know exactly what you're standing for, and why you're standing." - Emmanuel Acho

There's so much going on at once right now, and I find it very difficult to put into words, myself. Being autistic, it's often difficult for me to properly compose my thoughts. It is not that I am not capable, as at least, I'd like to think that I can be eloquent through text, it takes much longer for me to do so compared to your average person. While neurotypical people seem to be able to form long, coherent responses on a regular and quick basis, it often takes me hours to write anything of substance. It's especially difficult when it comes to topics that are deeply personal and serious to me.

I've been told that I come off as abrasive because of my wording. However, that sentiment has not once come from good faith, actual concern of wanting to help me find faults for me to work on in order to better improve my message. While I'm not denying that may be true, and something that I have on a regular basis try to work with, it doesn't really help when the message only has ever come from people who are merely made uncomfortable by someone like me "not knowing my place" and speaking out in a world where we are taught from an early age to shut up and be docile. But, being a so-called "uppity negro" by nature, I will never stop speaking out against the injustices I see in the world, personal or otherwise. And if that makes you unwilling to engage because it makes you "uncomfortable", I question then, why is your level of comfort more important than our right to be treated fairly and with basic respect?

Despite my best efforts throughout the years, I find it incredibly, and I mean INCREDIBLY rare, for my serious concerns to actually be taken seriously. I hear so often, various wordings of "I refuse to discuss politics." Oh, that's cool, I guess you're fine with just living in your own little bubble of willful ignorance while people are being murdered for having the "nerve" to exist with the "wrong" skin color. While those who are transgender and gender nonconforming are groped, mocked and also killed for not being afraid to express themselves for who they actually are. While the mentally ill and developmentally disabled are murdered in their own homes from so-called "wellness checks". While poor neighborhoods are patrolled relentlessly, and regularly imprisoned for essentially nothing, specifically to tear apart families and ensure that they remain poor and in broken homes, all so that some suit can profit from prison slave-labor to buy their seventh yacht. When people who claim to be my friend adamantly refuse to engage with such issues that I am even personally affected by, they are saying that their determination to remain comfortable through ignorance is more important than my safety. When they refuse to educate themselves and speak out against these injustices. They're more comfortable spending their time with ignorant bigots because those people don't challenge their beliefs, instead they decorate their words with flowery language that SOUNDS nice, but are nothing more than dog whistles for hatred.

Even people within marginalized groups behave like this, willingly deciding to be ignorant and, often complicit in their own oppression due to that willful ignorance. Now, it's one thing to just simply be unaware, as those in power do not want you to know. They want you to think that 'this is just the way it is" and not make any effort to challenge the systems or protect yourself from it. They want you to be docile and easily exploited, to drown your sorrows with escapism through the capitalist system they created, and they want you to reject people like me who speak out so they can continue to oppress you and destroy your morale so you refuse to engage with the truths of your situation and can't fight back. People in this situation are the ones who it is MOST important to be educated, because it's not just a situation of helping to protect your fellow humans, but also the tools to protect yourself and remain resilient in the face of your oppression and not fall into the traps they set up for you, and not perpetuate the cycle of abuse they want you to be an active participant in through your silence.

I don't really like to talk too much about my minority status since identity politics are so often misused, and that my very existence is often treated as a strawman "joke" in regards to what the "sjws" want people to be. But as I am part of so many of these groups, my experiences in life and how I view things has heavily shaped my worldview, and thus, why the current events are personal to me. I am mixed-race, coming from both a white (irish/polish immigrants) and black american (slave decendants)), developmentally and physically disabled, AFAB (assigned female at birth) asexual, nonbinary trans person the experiences I have had as such a person I feel give me a fairly unique perspective on many things especially as someone who is very privileged in many ways despite being an extreme minority, which has allowed me to see the world through a wide spectrum (for an example, the differences in how I was treated when I would get my hair chemically straightened which allowed me to semi-pass as white, how appearing as more feminine after puberty lead to being treated better by authority figures as race and gender dynamics have a complex relationship, how not being diagnosed with autism until high school affected my development, and how I have had tastes of both poverty and wealth for a variety of reasons)

Anyway, enough about me, though I'd be willing to elaborate on anything via notes for those who are curious, this isn't about me. This is about the many who have suffered and died under an oppressive society. George Floyd was just one of many people who were openly and violently murdered, suffocated to death, by an institution that, on paper, says that they exist to protect its citizens. We must thank the accessibility of modern technology, because it is shining a light on an issue that black people have been aware of but were silenced when we speak out. If you are white - think of how often you hear about the exact same story, over these last several years where the majority of people have high quality cameras in their phones, and now think about how for most of the existence of modern society, such things did not even exist. Now think about the loathing and fear you might have seen from your black peers towards the police, why they seemed "hypersensitive" to racism despite how they seem to be treated "just fine" to you. Now, you know why.

Apologizes for the long-winded rant, but I felt it was necessary to put my words in. I will now give a list of links that, hopefully, will help others educate themselves on the topics I have often spoken on but fell on deaf ears. Most of these are youtube videos as they tend to be the most accessible format, as well as allowing the viewer exposure to similar content. These does not just relate exclusively to racism, as once educated, you will see that the various forms of discrimination are often intertwined, often from a desperate attempt from those in power to maintain the status quo, as our current system is built upon the exploitation of others and the made-up justifications to do so, and if enough people become wise to the truth, the oppressive system that they benefit from will collapse. This collapse is inevitable and I may even see it within my lifetime, however, education is key to whether the next system will be replaced by authoritarian facism, or one in which human rights are respected and upheld. People in power are aggressively fighting for the former. What side of history do you want to be on?

Emmanuel Acho; "Uncomfortable Conversations With a Black Man Pt:1": https://twitter.com/thEMANacho/stat.....09472589090816

Angie Speaks; "Black Radical Leftism vs Black Liberalism": https://youtu.be/B2GXCs_XtYY

Three Arrows; "Fox News: How To Whitewash an Atrocity": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VC4sAaV1eBs

Kat Blaque; "Pewdiepie and The Rebranding of White Nationalism": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H94mfxMTmc4

Ask A Mortician; "Why Are Black & White Funeral Homes STILL Separate?": https://youtu.be/W4-0iAzFIcI

Carlos Maza; "Coronavirus and America's death cult" https://youtu.be/vG37wwhbS88

Philisophy Tube; "Witchcrat, Gender, & Marxism": https://youtu.be/tmk47kh7fiE

Warning: the videos produced by the creators below have a tendency to contain more swearing and edgy humor (including overtly sexual jokes) as well as satire where the intent may be missed if you aren't aware of the issues they criticize. While I don't think this at all lessens the points they produce at all and believe their arguments are just as valid, I am aware that such things may make people uncomfortable, and want to let people know beforehand so they can make informed choices. Nevertheless they are some of my favorite youtubers out there.

Vaush; "Want to See What a REAL Terrorist Group Looks Like?": https://youtu.be/KDwCLoo_5GA

Contrapoints; "Gender Critical": https://youtu.be/1pTPuoGjQsI

There's also a more lax tone in this John Oliver video from 4 years ago, a mainstream talk show that is designed to be entertaining through humor, while also talking about current events and putting spotlights on serious systematic issues: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaD84DTGULo

Most of these are video essays and/or can be understood with just listening without missing too much context. The content creators I have listed here provide great videos, helping to educate through their content in the fight for equality. I highly recommend perusing their videos beyond merely what I have listed here. In addition, there are other creators that I recommend checking out that either do similar videos, or videos more related to analyzing media while delving into some history- Innuendo Studios, hbomberguy, Clementine Productions, Jack Saint, and Dreamsounds.

I also recommend listening to this, from the perspective of a gaming youtuber, as it may help one see the importance of showing genuine solidarity and what that looks like as opposed to empty words, as well as also providing further resources in its description: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U71UuAJSW0E

That's all I have to say. I hope this will help shed a light on things that are so often disregarded. If you've managed to get through this far and are willing to listen, thank you.

I had mentioned I'd make journals about interesting videos in the future, and so here's the next one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAFbpWVO-ow

Philosophy Tube's videos are incredible as a whole. They are extremely educational and I learn a lot from them. He's also very funny, which helps to make the videos easier to watch as they tend to deal with heavy subjects. I find this to be quite topical considering what is going on in the US right now, as it is essentially about white supremacy, (and internalized bigotry) and how it necessitates scapegoats to avoid having to address capitalism. If you're interested in fighting against these things it's important to be educated so I highly recommend watching or listening to this, as well as his other video essays.

I had done some sort of conceptual drawings of Skye, but then I thought, I could make a new character that is a hamster instead of changing the species of an already existing character. Especially as Skye is more of a representation of an ideal rather than a reality, so its less important in this case. I have a bunch of drawing ideas that wouldn't really work with any of my existing characters, so I think making a new one that is a hamster is the best way to go. I've done some rough doodles of the character that I'm happy with, though I haven't decided on a color scheme or name for them yet. When I do I'll probably upload something about them.

Since I've been sick (don't worry it's not covid or anything) I've been catching up on a lot on youtube videos and watched a very interesting one I felt I should share.

LINK: https://youtu.be/aKSpEOMHvIU

It's a video talking about Beastars and the interesting way it handles its social commentary and lore, sort of contrasting it to how Zootopia handled it (a movie that, while I enjoyed, is extreeeeemely problematic in how it tries to make its race and species comparisons.)

It's a series I've not yet seen much of though. I remember I did hear about it when it was only a manga, but I wasn't particularly interested in checking it out since it seemed a bit too violent and sexually charged for my tastes, especially since the story basically plays around with vore which is one of the few things that actually really weirds me out. However an anime was released fairly recently and the anime seems to be much tamer so I might be able to enjoy that more.

Anyways, a particularly interesting thing about the video is how it doesn't shy away from the fact that the tackling the conflicts inherent to the character's species combined with the characters own individual interests and natures leads to some really uncomfortable and hard to answer questions.

I think the series seems to cast a wide brush in this which is smart as it tells its own story while also making it so many different kinds of people could relate to it. Though they talk about the similarities between that and homosexuality, from what I see, a more apt comparison would be those who have fetishes that ultimately would cause irreversible harm. I always find it strange how people tend to automatically assume that people who have such interests in things that are more fantastical in nature would also want to enact such things in real life, but more often than not, most have no interest in that. However, there ARE people who do and have done some pretty horrific things as a result of that such as murder, and obviously harmful things like that are and should be illegal, but still leaves the question of how do we deal with that as a society? There's also the aspect of things that are considered "normal" and "not normal" tend to be based less upon the amount of people who are in those groups or whether it causes harm or not, but rather what is dictated as "socially acceptable" by a very small, but very powerful minority, decided less based off of logic but more as a means of control. Many harmful stereotypes in the real world for example, did not stem from any sort of biological fact, but rather, came later and sometimes outright made up as a means to justify discriminating against certain groups. Essentially, trying to make people feel as if it is okay to discriminate. Some examples being the idea that people with darker skin have thicker skin and a higher pain tolerance to justify violence, even though it was always known that was false, and the idea that women are more natural at nurturing and thus more "fit" to take jobs like teaching, an idea that was spread specifically to make it acceptable to pay them a lower wage as such jobs aren't seen as "real work", a misconception that is much more widespread today.

Anyways, I just thought it was an interesting video. If people don't mind my rambling I might make other journals in the future about other things, since I tend to watch a lot of videos like this and maybe other people might be interested in me sharing them and my thoughts, especially as they tend to be easy to understand just by listening.

I'm so fed up with peoples ignorance. How they constantly spread misinformation and lies, all while talking as though they know what they're talking about. Sometimes people just don't know things, but more often than not, it's willful ignorance. They talk out of their ass and yet when they get a proper explanation as to why they were wrong, they make excuses for reasons to not make the effort to educate themselves and try to act like it's justifiable to remain ignorant. And then they continue to spread lies and talk out of their ass, not once taking the time to consider how that behavior affects others.

People are so happy to eat up lies as long as those lies help them feel good or superior. They're told to point fingers by the ones who are feeding them poison. Part of why I keep so quiet on here is specifically because people are constantly spouting ignorant nonsense and I don't have the energy to waste explaining things to people who are either just not going to listen or I'll get harassed in response. Especially since this site is perfectly fine with spreading lies and encouraging harassment of people as long as you don't give a name. If one is popular they can be as cruel as they'd like and people admire them and take them at their word.

I had some really important things to say but people would rather sweep things under the rug than actually be informed. The truth makes people uncomfortable so they pretend they didn't hear it or get mad at the messenger. They are not interested in resolving conflict, as they refuse to even have the conversation in the first place.

It's hard to enjoy my time here when this behavior is everywhere and especially pervasive in the babyfur community. There isn't any place for me because toxicity and ignorance is enabled and encouraged. I can't justify being friendly in a hostile environment. When people refuse to have serious discussions and treat the absence (via silencing) of conflict as kindness, what they're really saying is they don't care to cultivate an environment where people feel safe.

I was thinking about the younger characters of mine. They all sort of exist to represent a piece of myself. Skye, the fursona, was meant to be the ideal. But I’m realizing now that it’s impossible, that I just have trouble imagining a happy, normal childhood. Not for very long. As a result I started thinking about their futures, largely based upon my own experiences.

Originally I had intended Skye to not have to suffer the same issues as myself. But…that feels wrong to me. I realize that I’ve always portrayed him in a way that was leaning towards autistic. I imagined, that he, too, would likely have anxiety. But his case would be different, as it wouldn’t be caused by trauma and was just something that developed naturally. In addition, I also think he’d end up with MS. It’s likely that somewhere during his childhood, one of his parents die. I’m not sure which one yet. It’s hard for me to imagine what it would be like to grow up with both parents.

Skye as an adult is very anxious, but also very snarky. This became evident as he got older. As a child, it’s in a cute, bratty sort of way. As he gets older, it becomes one of bitterness. Early on in his life he realized that any “friendship” he would have ultimately didn’t matter. Because they would either just want something for him and were never his friends in the first place, or betray him. He starts to close himself off, preferring isolation over the company of others. Although smart, he begins to realize that that, too doesn’t matter, and stops trying, even though it was something that he took great pride in. This is due to how in elementary school, he was grouped within a lower level than his actual capability, given work that was far too easy for him. He wanted to do harder work, but the school wouldn’t let him. Eventually he just stopped trying.

He has a poor sense of direction and can’t read maps. When out by himself he must rely on a gps (with mixed results), and when he’s with others, he must rely on them to guide him. He’s shy, awkward, as well as softspoken. However, he can be surprisingly chatty when it comes to topics he’s passionate about, such as his lifelong love for video games. When getting to know him, he comes off as very wise - many of his experiences had led him to be empathetic and understanding of others, being able to provide insight and advice that many others haven’t thought about.

I think, for Skye in the far future, he manages to end up as a therapist. It was a dream of mine that I had to stop pursuing myself, as the fatigue had gotten so severe. But I’d like to think that he doesn’t have it as bad, and is able to reach that dream.

Lizzie has a lot to deal with for a 3 year old. At this point, her father had already passed, and her mother is stricken with grief and overworked. Over time, however, she grows closer with her mom, with both of them slowly recovering and learning to understand eachother. As she gets older, she considers her mom her greatest friend, as she essentially has no friends in school, which is not helped by her extreme shyness and selective muteness. In middle school, she develops agoraphobia as a result of bullying. But, she gets by, growing more and more stable each year. She never quite recovers and remains dependent, but she does get to a point where she can talk to people enough to be able to go to stores and buy things if needed. And although she doesn’t talk to many people or have many friends, she develops extremely close friendships with the few people that she does know.

Unfortunately, Alexander never receives the help he needs and commits suicide at age 13. He wanted to go with a murder-suicide - he brought a knife to school that day. But he couldn’t bring himself to hurt others, and ends up ending his own life in the school’s bathroom.

Man, Pokemon has been with me for most of my life. I can't believe its been 20 years already. To be fair, its been less than that here in America, but only by about 2 years. Still most of my life though. Heck, most of the fandom nowadays is younger than the series itself. Its always strange to think about that, all the people who weren't around during the height of its popularity. Those were some interesting times.

Its safe to say that Pokemon has shaped me into who I am today. Pokemon Red was the first video game I ever owned, and the first one that I spend significant time with. I have so many good memories about that time. My childhood was rather unusual and traumatic, so nearly every happy memory from my childhood is related to Pokemon. Thats why the series is so close to my heart.

My story regarding the series is a bit different, as well. Recently I read an article about how Pokemon helped someone cope and learn with their disability as a child, and I was surprised and happy to read it, as my story, despite my disabilities being differ, mirror quite a lot of what is said here:

http://nomadicdec.kinja.com/how-pok.....ing-1758562552

This is a very interesting article and cool to see how things can accidentally be accessible. And it may help people who aren't disabled understand some of the struggles we face.And how such a simple thing like Pokemon can be such a major positive force.

My playthrough was a struggle as a result of my autism especially. I remember restarting the game so many times. Any time I made a mistake that I felt was irreversible, I started over. For example, nicknaming a Pokemon accidentally, since I didn't know you could change it. I remember restarting because I didn't know how to get Omanyte out of the box and thought it was lost forever.

The repetition of the games allowed me to recognize patterns as well, something I struggled with at the time. And although my reading level was much higher than my grade level, my vocabulary and ability to accurately describe my thoughts and feelings was severely lacking. Playing Pokemon improved these skills significantly, and as a result of playing it, allowed me to properly communicate to others - something that I could not do before.

It eased me into playing other games that required things like reflexes and quick thinking. Something I became good at later in life thanks to other games, but had I started with games that needed those skills, as opposed to just reading and remembering stuff, I probably would have given up on gaming.

My love for Pokemon might have also been a catalyst for my love and skill of memorizing information. Because of the limited nature of the game, and lack of easy access to information during the time, you had to memorize a whole lot with Pokemon, moreso than any other game. Like how a lot of games had descriptions on what things did, Pokemon didn't have any of that. You had to just know. I found out that this was something I'm particularly skilled at. (As a side note, this and my perfectionism is why I was diagnosed with autism later in life, because despite my social and communication issues, I was always an exceptional student for this reason so no one ever cared enough to test me for it.)

In addition, going back to Pokemon's popularity at the time - my level of obsession with the series was not seen as unusual. As an autistic child, it was my special interest. But, given that nearly every kid at the time was obsessed with Pokemon as well, my obsession was normalized and not seen as a "bad" or "strange" thing. It helped me stand out less from my peers, and as a result, I became capable of socializing with other kids. Not well mind you, I still had no friends in school. But I wasn't bullied as harshly as I had been, and had some positive interactions with classmates.

I may not be as into Pokemon as I was back then, but my love for the series is still strong. And is nice to know that its popularity is as well.

This is something I've only just noticed, but it explains a lot of behavior I've seen.

Anytime a person mentions they have a disability or illness and their experience relating to said disability, people will, without fail, comment on how its obviously just fishing for attention. People literally cannot even mention it without others just having to say something so stupidly insensitive.

And thats a problem. This attitude is so widespread that its basically accepted. Its incredibly disgusting.

When someone has a disability or illness, it changes the way they live their lives. Under most circumstances, one cannot accurately talk about their lives without mentioning it at some point or another. You can't just pretend it doesn't exist because it affects your life. And a lot of times it affects your life in very major ways and people need to know about it in order to understand why you can't do something or do things differently.

If someone mentions they have depression or PTSD and things along those lines, and ask people to not bring certain topics up, they're accused of being too sensitive and need to grow up because the world is not going to cater to them. Even when talking about symptoms of such things, such as insomnia, people try and act like its not a big deal or "Oh yeah I had depression for like a week when my partner broke up with me but I got over it and you will too!" "oh once I couldn't sleep for a day or two so I totally know you're going through!" God forbid they mention dealing with suicidal ideation - "wow dude you need help" and "I know you're just saying that for attention" Oh, and if someone knows you for years and realizes you're not getting any better? They act like its your fault for not getting better and act like being friends with you is a chore because of it. Like its somehow the persons fault for having a disability - most of them last a lifetime. And don't get me started on personality disorders and the way people dehumanize those with BPD.

If someone mentions they have autism, clearly they're just a special snowflake who are just pretending to have it and are using it to excuse any poor behavior. People just make so many gross assumptions regarding autism and I'd probably have to make an entirely new journal to cover them all it's just so ridiculous.

if someone has a physical disability, like they're blind or in a wheelchair, people will literally try to act like their disability doesn't exist. They act like "Oh I'm separating the disability from the person and thats somehow a super great thing" completely ignoring the fact that the way people live their lives is altered, its part of them and you can't just ignore them. Thinking like that is the reason why people think that elevators exist just so that lazy people don't need to walk, and various other inventions meant to help the disabled are just for "lazy people", because they like to pretend that disability doesn't exist and anyone who needs any sort of assistance just aren't trying hard enough. This attitude is a large reason why almost everyone with a disability has severe self esteem issues - of course we will have that problem if all our lives we're told we're not trying hard enough and that we're "letting our disability stop us". Of course if anyone does try to talk about their disability and explain that, no, doing (x) action with assistance is literally impossible, people will be like "oh not everything has to be about your disability" and "you're just trying to make us feel bad for you" Whats even worse is when people don't need assistance all the time. For example I sometimes need a cane to walk. I don't ALWAYS need a cane to walk. This is true for some people in wheelchairs, and they get accused of faking disability when people see them walk. Or assume that because someone is blind it always means they literally can't see at all. Like they can't understand the concept that there are multiple ways a person can be disabled.

Sometimes the worst part is how people try to help with that kind of thinking. Giving people the wrong kind of assistance meant for a different kind of disability because they all think all disabilities are the same thing. Another personal example is when I was in the school, the only assistance I could get was extra test time, which I opted not to get because I didn't need extra test time! In fact unless it was math I was almost always the first person to hand in tests. Yes, I am autistic, and some autistic people are affected in ways that could make them take tests slower (fine motor skill problems for example). But the issues I had could not be seen through tests in school, because according to any test of that nature, I was exceptional in all areas but math. The autism wouldn't be seen through that kind of test. Regardless of your disability, people will act like you have mental retardation because thats the only thing that nondisabled people seem to have any concept of (and even then they screwed it up by using it as a slur to refer to stupidity and its not stupidity). Like, no matter what your disability is, even if it has nothing to do with brain development, people will talk to you like you're a toddler incapable of understanding anything. And its so demeaning.

Sorry, I'm definitely going on a rant here.And yes I am speaking most of this through experience. This was actually the behavior of the person who harassed me here and their friends.

This actually came to mind when I heard people talking about a fanmade MLP cartoon called Snowdrop about a blind pony. Yes, this affects even fictional characters!

People were saying like, oh this is just made to make you feel sorry for her. That the entire plot was just about making the audience feel sorry for her. And it really sucks that people always see it that way. They can't see things beyond their own nondisabled experiences. They see a disabled character portrayed realistically and its "oh they're trying to make me feel sorry for them" and compare them to other disabled characters who are farther from the common experiences of disability. Almost all stories regarding a character with a disability is either "they suddenly stop having the disability in the end" which is impossibly unrealistic, and the even more offensive "they learned not to "let their disability stop them", like someone with cerebral palsy suddenly becoming a triathlete which gives people the message that if they aren't doing stuff like that they are "letting" their disability stop them and not trying hard enough. Or they are basically a completely "average" character with experiences that line up with any person without a disability, and while its mentioned they have the disability it doesn't seem to affect them in any way aside from making a joke or two.

In Snowdrop's case, its not meant for you look down upon and to feel sorry for her as a nondisabled person. Its meant for you to put yourself in her shoes. If you're already disabled, that would be easy. Her experience pretty much mirrors the experience of anyone with a disability. People act like its unrealistic for the teacher to not give a crap...well, newsflash, its not only normal, but its not unusual for a teacher to be outright abusive. The fact that no one even gives a single thought to her struggles hits very close to home. The end message is that even with a disability, you can still find your place in the world and you're not useless. Something many of us really need to hear, when every day you hear people making comments, directly and indirectly, about how you are useless and not worth putting any consideration towards.

Gaming is my biggest hobby. Though I haven’t really seriously been a gamer since a young child like most people who are as into them as I am, I’ve been playing and collecting them for quite some time. As a result, I’ve played a ridiculous amount of games; my collection spans beyond 300 titles over many systems. Games have helped me through extremely difficult times, and they’ve taught me many things (I can especially thank my love of JRPGs as a kid for helping improve my vocabulary and teaching me how to read quickly since the nature of school and trauma had turned me away from being the avid reader I once was.). They helped me learn about various subjects, shaped my personality, taught me to think critically, and most of all helped me reach out to people and make friends. As a result of my love for games, I have a LOT of favorites. And When I replied to a journal made by  Yosh-E-O he asked me what mine were. So I decided to try to come up with a list that narrows them down to 10.

Of course, I couldn’t include them all, and as time goes on taste changes, so it’s not a permanent list. However, I did try to narrow the list down to favorite games of mine that have stood the tests of time and remain games that I will never, ever get tired of. Prepare for an essay much like this one because I can’t write about this stuff without writing an essay to go with it apparently.

1. Pokemon Red (GB)

This game literally changed my life. Although I had played games before this (Pac man, Excitebike, Chips Challenge, Ski Free, Pipe Dream, and various PC games for children such as my beloved childhood game Gregory and the Hot Air Balloon) this was the first game that I could call mine. I got it, along with a red gameboy, for my 9th birthday. I have so many memories and stories associated with that game, so many that I could not possibly write all about them here. The Pokemon series is so very dear to my heart, and while my obsession didn’t start with the game, it did start my love for games, and JRPGS (which I called “walk-around games” at the time.)

People say that gen 1 games are only liked because of nostalgia. I feel they are wrong. While I do have nostalgia for the game, it is not the sole reason I love it. In fact, I still play it regularly and still enjoy it to this day. I cannot judge older games upon modern standards, and I think it’s wrong to do so. It does have a lot of things that are tedious which I won’t go into detail on, believe me I am well aware of the games flaws, and boy does it have a lot of them. However, the music still holds up today, and the composition of said music is so interesting and well-done that even many games of today don’t even come near. They worked with the limitations of the system beautifully. The coding is a mess, which makes the game even more fascinating to me as you’d think it wouldn’t be able to run smoothly at all, but it does. The game was probably a major contribution to my strong ability to easily memorize information, as it was a requirement for the time. It’s not the best Pokemon game ever (Honestly that would go to Black and White) but it’s still my favorite. Not to mention how much fun it is that new glitches and exploits are still being discovered to this day and they are by far the most interesting glitches in any video game. I also need to mention the music again. The way the melodies work together to create such nice sounding harmony that you will remember in general is just isn’t done anymore as many game soundtracks nowadays are made more for background noise than anything, focusing on fancy techniques and high quality sound over making memorable and harmonious tunes.


2. Final Fantasy 10 (PS2)

This was my first Final Fantasy game, and unlike Pokemon, I can tell you right now that a big part of my love for the game is nostalgia. There’s this saying that goes your favorite final fantasy is whichever one you played first, and for many people including myself that seems to hold true. Of course, that doesn’t mean 10 isn’t a good game. It’s still a great game, and I consider it the game with the second best soundtrack of all time (yes of all time). Unlike Pokemon Red, however, I can’t find as great of an enjoyment playing it today as I did then, which is why I say that its likely nostalgia that I like it so much. I played it during an interesting time in my life. It was about a year after my father had passed, I was still in grade school and had been bullied relentlessly by peers and teachers alike since Kindergarten, only at the time just starting to get away from being the “target” and going on the road to becoming the “invisible”. One of the reasons I was such a target was because I was, in their words “a crybaby”, and crying was something I was often punished for in both school and home. I was still young, but very aware that I was an outcast. Then comes along Tidus. Tidus was dealing with similar issues that I was. He cried easily, and he was mocked for it, especially by his father. He, like myself, was both in a state of wanting to be like his father, and feeling resentment towards him for what he had done. In addition, he had found himself in a strange land and didn’t belong anywhere. He didn’t understand the worlds customs, which got him into a lot of trouble, similar to my autism and failing to understand social norms. Despite being the main character, the party responds to him as someone who is just kind of tagging along and often outright show dislike towards him. And yet, despite all this, he tries so hard to be strong. He wants to be someone people can look up to. He desperately puts on a happy-go-lucky act despite constantly dealing with flashbacks a traumatic childhood, putting on a smile despite being horribly depressed and lonely. Yuna too, dealing with similar issues, due to her position having to keep a smile despite knowing that every success would bring her closer to sacrifice, and not having the heart to explain to Tidus what was really going on.

It was the first time in a game I felt something for the characters, they weren’t just generic placeholders or characters with one or two traits, these characters had depth, and it made me feel things. I rooted for Tidus, I was so angry with Seymour when he took Yuna away from him, that part of the game had a huge impact on me. The first time I played it, I remember hating Lulu because of how she treated Tidus, but the second time I played it a few years later, I had gotten farther and learned more about her and why she was the way she was, allowing her to become my favorite Final Fantasy character. Except for 9, none of the other Final Fantasy games have really impacted me much emotionally. (Before you ask, no, I felt absolutely nothing regarding Aeris' death in 7.)

3. Harvest Moon 64 (N64)

Harvest Moon is another childhood obsession. 64 wasn’t my first Harvest Moon game, but to this day still stands as my favorite. Music, as you can see, is a common theme to what makes me like a game, and while I wouldn’t put it on any “best video game music ever” list, it’s still very good and definitely helps set the moods. It’s simple but complex at the same time, as its very limited in many aspects due to its age, but there is so many secrets to discover and it’s one of those games that tend to be different every time you play. It was also rather challenging and stragetic, as it has you rushing around trying to get everything done each day, and the modern HM games completely lack that challenge since they give you so much time and the games are paced so slow. The fast pace of the game is part of what made it so addicting and fun. The characters are very loveable, and one could consider the character Maria as my first crush, whom I married the first time I played it and many times after. The world feels alive, the characters don’t repeat themselves as much as the other games in the series. It was the first game for me to play it long sessions, up until that point I had never played a game for hours at a time, but HM64 changed that. I specifically remember one time playing for 4 hours straight, because the game crashed on me, and I assumed the system had overheated due to me playing for so long. Nowadays it’s not unusual for me to play that much or more, but at the time it was the first.

I had played this game so many times, it was the first game for me to set specific challenges for myself, such as “raise only cows” or “use only crops”. It was tons of fun. In one playthrough I even played out a sort of story the player character spends every night at the bar getting drunk and becomes an alcoholic, and his wife (which i believe was Elli) not being so happy about his habits. …Perhaps that a testament to the more disturbing nature of my childhood, making a fun little game of something like that considering the young age I was when I played it. Ah well.

4. Tales of Graces F (PS3)

Yes, this times it’s a more modern game! Originally released on the Wii in Japan, the game’s port with added content was brought over to the US on the PS3. Until this point, my favorite Tales game was Tales of the Abyss, but this game outclassed it in almost every way. Despite stemming from a tragic tale of misguided parents and tensions between countries, it managed to keep a generally upbeat mood. And boy does it do that well, the game is hilarious. Most of the games humor comes from the optional “skits” that are triggered during playing the game. The game h s a lot of skits, and unlike Abyss, they are actually voiced! This makes them much more enjoyable. Most of them aren’t so much related to the plot of the story, but allow you to get a better understanding of the characters. The characters in this game are for the most part great, and the interactions between them are tons of fun to see. The overall story is kind of bad and cliche to be honest, but it makes up for it with the hidden depths of the characters. Especially the character Hubert Oswell, who is one of my most favorite characters of all time. Another character who I see a lot of myself in, he struggled with being intelligent yet cowardly as a child, and having a hard time convincing others despite his superior knowledge, as he was dismissed as just being a coward. He was given up for adoption in attempt to give him a better life, but the trauma of his life with his adopted father led his personality to completely change. Many of his personality traits after the timeskip (the majority of the game) stem back to being forced to grow up far too fast, and that is something I can deeply relate to. It’s not all sad though, in fact all the funniest moments of the game to me involve Hubert.

Despite me vastly preferring turn based over real time combat, and struggling with the battle system of older titles, the combat system in this game is a lot of fun. I really loved the battle system. This time around the music isn’t a huge contributor to my love of the game, but, as to be expected by my favorite composer Motoi Sakuraba, it’s quite good. It has a more “anime” feel especially compared to older games in the series, yet surprisingly, it doesn’t have an anime series unlike Symphonia and Abyss, which severely disappoints me and I desperately hope there to be one someday. I just love this game so much. I can go on about it forever, but I'll stop here.

5. Gitaroo Man (PS2)

This is literally the game that got me into rhythm games. Rhythm games are my favorite genre of game, and I’m quite confident with my skills with them. I feel its the most unique rhythm game out there, and it’s a huge shame that it’s basically unknown. Its one of the few rhythm games with a completely original soundtrack, and it definitely takes advantage of it as the music in each stage is centered around the character being fought, especially interesting is how the majority of the songs have no lyrics and are just instrumentation, which leads to some epic songs. Most unique of all is how it’s not always the same every time. Each song has parts that are swapped at random, so you may think you have the commands memorized, but then it does a bait and switch on you, and you have to be prepared for that. You’d think it would sound forced, but it flows completely naturally. It’s challenging as hell too, in fact it is the one of the only rhythm games that I haven’t ever been able to complete in hard mode. It’s rather short though the challenge of it makes it so you likely won’t be able to beat it in one sitting until you know the game well. The games story and English voice acting is VERY campy, the voice acting being pretty awful but thats actually another part of the games charm, as its not bad in a “bad” way, but bad in a funny way that overall enhances the experience. As much as I like the English track, it is sad it doesn’t the option for dual audio. The characters are all great too, despite most of them showing up rather briefly, they’re very likeable. It’s definitely a little-known game that I wish was more known, because it’s actually really good.

6. Sonic Adventure 2 (Dreamcast)

It was difficult to choose this one, as I find it on near even standing with Sonic Adventure. However, Sonic Adventure 2 had a bigger impact on me overall, and I didn’t want to put both, so I’m putting this one on this list. Although I played Sonic Adventure first, it was Sonic Adventure 2 that got me to level of absolute obsession. I can’t even begin to describe the level of obsession I had for Sonic. My love for the series is what led me to learn to navigate the internet in search of as much information as possible. At one time, there was nothing regarding the Sonic the Hedgehog series that I didn’t know. I had memorized all of the information I had learned. I even had the script of the game near memorized. The soundtrack was another incredible part of the game. Sure, it had some major flaws that were apparent even during its time, but even then it was still an amazing platformer. At the time of playing this game, I had grown suicidal, and I credit my love for the series as one of the things that kept me going, as almost nothing else could calm me down and take my mind off of my suicidal tendencies at the time. I loved the story and the way the characters interacted, and Shadow was the first character that I had fallen in love with, it was a very deep love that lasted many years until his game came out and ruined his personality (a story for another time.) Anyway, his dedication toward his long lost friend Maria was very inspiring to me. The way he constantly struggled with flashbacks on his path to doing what he thought was right at the time was something I could relate to. And the fact that he was lost in the world, having lost his only friend Maria, was also relatable, as my only friend, who happened to introduce me to Sonic through Sonic Adventure, had recently moved away and I felt lost. I was so depressed at the time, that I felt I had nothing to live for other than my love for the Sonic series. Whenever I would feel at my worst, I could just pop in Sonic Adventure 2 and remind myself to be strong like Shadow was. To never stop holding onto what I believe in. To be loyal to those who have gained my trust, and to do whatever it takes to keep the promises I had made. This game is part of what shaped the values that I hold dear to this day. And of course, to always “hold on to “what if”. Even if the Sonic series has become a mess since Heroes, I will always remember how much of an impact the last great Sonic game had on me.

7. Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance (GCN)

This is the game that got me into Fire Emblem. I had played 7 in the past, but disliked it at the time due to its difficulty and permadeath being too much for me to handle due to my lack of skill at the time. Path of Radiance changed that, as it was far easier and allowed to eventually enjoy the concept of permadeath and enjoy the frustration that the series can bring. Like other Fire Emblem games, it has a huge cast and each character, no matter how seemingly unimportant, has a story. It is one of the very few games where the protagonist is one of my favorite characters, and I even wrote about him in an assignment in high school to write about a hero that we look up to. Still, my absolute favorite character in that game has to be Soren. Like the other characters I enjoy, I find him relatable. But unlike the others, his personality mirrors my rl personality, which, while with the other characters I related to their experiences, with Soren, I could relate to the core of who he is as a person. His loyalty towards Ike because Ike was the only person to treat him with any sort of decency was something that resonated with me. In addition to that, he comes off extremely abrasive, but ultimately means well and is actually quite sensitive, which is just like myself. This game is also an SPRG, which is a genre I love. The story is really great and is one of the better stories in video games as a whole. No other Fire Emblem game before or since have been able to compare to PoR in terms of story and characters, and this remains my favorite Fire Emblem title to this day.

8. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (DS)

This was the game that sparked my interest in the visual novel genre. Although the game is a lot more interactive than your average visual novel, it’s still considered part of the genre. I remember seeing a trailer for it being shown on X-play, back when that show and TechTV still existed. I could very well say this is one of the things that “I liked before it was cool” to use the hipster phrase, as I was into it from the day it was released in localized form which was years before the series became a cult classic in the West. The cast is so loveable, especially the main character Phoenix and his rival Edgeworth. Despite dealing with murder cases, the game is overall very silly and hilarious, and extremely quotable. It does a very good job at switching between silly and serious, and makes you feel for the characters. Learning about Edgeworth’s past through the 4th case was heartbreaking. You also learn about the memory that drove Phoenix to become a lawyer, a story that is similar to events in my own childhood. The methods Phoenix Wright employs to figure out if someone is being truthful or not has influenced my own ability and tactics to spot liars. The series as a whole is dear to me, but the first game is definitely my favorite.

9. Shining Force (Genesis)

Although its a genesis game, I first played it through a Genesis compilation on the PC, as I didn’t and still don’t own the system. It was the first SRPG I ever played and lead to my love of the genre. The music in the game is really awesome, and has some of the saddest 16 bit tunes you’ll ever hear during certain parts. The designs of the characters in the game are quite unique, and nowadays have a really cool oldschool feel to them, and the battle animations are pretty cool. It’s definitely one of the most charming games I’ve ever played, even if certain aspects of it haven’t aged well. Some of the things I like about it are its age though, like the poor translation (which was standard fare at the time) and low character limits leading to funny abbreviations. Also, I love how the subtitle of the game is “The Legacy of Great Intention”, it amuses me. It’s sad they don’t make games like this anymore, and even sadder that they don’t make proper games of the series anymore since the third one. They’re in the “Shining” series in name only and have no relation to this or the game that came before it.

10. Splatoon (Wii U)

This is the best game on the Wii U, and probably the best game to have come out in many, many years. Normally I hate shooters, and Team Fortress 2 was the only shooter I would ever even touch. That all changed with Splatoon, with its cute art style and surprising depth to the gameplay. It has a cool platformer-esque singleplayer mode, though its rather sort and serves more as a tutorial for the core of the game being multiplayer matches. Every action in this game just feels so satisfying, and it has huge mass appeal from young children to the older hardcore competitive types. Theres a huge amount of weapons to choose from and all of them feel unique which is super cool. It’s also the most balanced multiplayer game I have ever seen. Sure, there are things that are OP, but its not as unbalanced as say, Pokemon or League of Legends. I love the gear system, the clothing looks really cool and I find fun in trying to get the optimal combination of skills while still looking cool. It’s also one of the few games to make me rage, and I actually love that about the game because I express so little emotion irl now as an adult, and almost never get angry, that for something to make me so passionate about it that I actually get angry over a loss is extremely surprising due to how indifferent I am otherwise. At the same time, the difficulty of ranked mode can really make you feel accomplished. Of my time playing, I’ve managed to keep a steady A+ for a while which, while not the highest ranking possible (that would be S+) still makes me feel accomplished.

Those are my top 10. But, there were a bunch of games I feel could be on the list, had it been longer, so I wanted to add some honorable mentions.

Honorable mentions:

Baten Kaitos (GCN) - This was the first extremely long JRPG I played (main story took me over 100 hours), and this game is what holds the title of best video game soundtrack in my mind, being another soundtrack being composed by Motoi Sakuraba. However, I cannot tell of the game has held up since, due to the timesink, I haven’t gone back to replay it.

Okage: The Shadow King (PS2) - Has aged extremely poorly, but has an incredible soundtrack, hilarious and charming dialogue and characters, and moments of unexpected sadness.

DDR Extreme 2 (PS2) - I have many, but this is my favorite of the DDR series. Before I had MS, there were times would I play this all day. I have a lot of good memories associated with this game. It’s also the best of the console English releases.

Space Channel 5 Part 2 (PS2) - There isn’t much to say on this one other than that it’s another rhythm game that I love and if you haven’t played it you should. For the best possible experience, play it with a DDR pad. Its a little harder but oh so much fun.

Sonic Adventure (Dreamcast) - This is the game that introduced me to the Sonic series. In terms of level design, it was probably better than SA2 in that regard. It also had great music. I feel a lot of nostalgia towards this title.

Pokemon Trading Card game (GBC) - I’ve played this game a lot, another game I love the music for. But There isn’t really anything super special about this one for me aside from just simply being tons of fun.

Donkey Kong 64 (N64) - This one’s got a funny story to it in that I wanted Majoras Mask, but it needed an Expansion pak. But this game came with it, and getting this game would be cheaper than getting it by itself. My mom convinced me to get it for this reason, even though I actually didn’t want it because the cover made it look like a scary game. Turns out it wasn’t scary and dark like I thought it would be aside from a few parts, and ended up one of my favorite games. Meanwhile, I didn’t like Majoras Mask and absolutely terrified me and despite having played several horror games, remains the scariest game of all time to me. Its often compared to Banjo Kazooie as a worse version of it, but oddly enough I hated Banjo Kazooie. Unfortunately, having to beat Jetpak and the original arcade version of Donkey Kong twice to unlock the final stage meant I was never able to reach the ending of the game, despite trying for years. Sigh.

Kirby 64 (N64) - This was my first N64 game and first Kirby game, and also the first game I ever managed to get 100% completion on. Its still my favorite Kirby game. It’s so cute! I love the dual power ups in the game too. And of course the music, some of which are remixed from Kirby’s Adventure on the NES (another great game).

And that’s it. If you cared enough to read through this whole thing, I’m honestly actually rather impressed. Of course, there are tons more games that I love in addition to this, but if I mentioned every single game that I love, we’d be here forever. So I’m just going to end it here. Thank you for reading if you did :)

I have this tooth that's been giving me problems pretty much all of this year, it had since been removed, and now working on getting an implant replacement.

Except its got infected again. That's like the 3rd time now. Basically I had a deep cavity there, it got traumatized and got infected, so I had a root canal. Which then got infected. So it had to be removed after attempts at saving it failed. I had to get a bone graft because so much of the bone was lost to infection.

It was fully healed, so the next step was to insert an implant for the replacement tooth to come in. And...it got infected. I've been in awful pain since Thursday (yes thanksgiving, great timing, huh?) And since the dentist isn't in until Monday, called in for emergency and was put on antibiotics. Since it got infected, the implant will probably fail. I get the feeling I'm in for even more pain after this.

In addition, I had to upgrade my OS in order to continue working from home, and now my tablet no longer works with my laptop.

I have such awful luck sometimes it's almost funny.

In other news, I've gotten pretty into MOBAs lately. You wouldn't think I'd like that sort of thing, but here I am. I play League of Legends and Heroes of the Storm now. I also got Yo-Kai watch the day it was released and already have over 100 hours on it. It's a super fun game.

Anyway, thats about it. Not sure when I'll be able to upload art considering the tablet situation. I do still draw, but mostly just sketches in my sketchbook so I don't upload them or anything.

I've been seeing lots of stuff about it. It's so bizarre to me, since it's just no different from any other day to me. I lost my father when I was very small, so I guess it's just awkward to be reminded that I don't have one. I remember the first Fathers day after he passed and being really sad, since it was only 2 months since it happened. But now it's just, "Oh, it's Fathers day today? Huh."

I don't know why I made this journal. Just random musing I guess.

I wonder if my interest in this whole thing has just gone completely.

It doesn't help that people who I'd like to think were trustworthy are very much associated with people who have treated me horribly. I'm really tired of my feelings not being respected by even people I thought of as friends.

I still enjoy my characters, but I pretty much never get an opportunity to do anything with them. it's rather depressing.

I guess I might still post art once and a while, but I doubt I'll be very active.

I often hear people who are baby/littlefurs say stuff like they miss being a child and that is why they they are part of said subculture. It's always "when you're a child you have no worries and can just play all day and feel safe and loved" "there's no responsibilities", "you get to be taken care of" etc.

And it's just...sometimes I wonder if people just simply forgot that childhood is not just fun and games. It's not the wonderful, free experience that everyone seems to say it is (even non-babyfurs, everyone goes on about how amazing childhood is)

Childhood is full of restrictions and limitations. You have next to no control over what happens if your life. You watch your parents fight and can't do anything about it. There's money problems but you can't work. You have to move and you have no say. You have no say as to who comes over to the house or when. You have no choice of what school you to go. You spend almost the entire night doing homework so there's no time to play. You have to go to school regardless of how horrible they treat you there, and no one believes you if the adults happen to abuse you there because school is supposed to be "safe" and "teachers would never do such a thing" "they only want the best for you" and so on. You have to be seen and not heard.

When you're a child you're told to keep quiet about things and not be a "tattle tale" even if said things are very serious cruelties that no adult would ever put up with. In fact the basic treatment of any child in school, the daily constant denial of basic needs and demands that are made of children are things that adults would not put up with either. In fact, when I was in college, and now in the workforce, I was constantly shocked at the freedom given to you and the kindness and understanding received because when you're young, you never receive such luxuries that are considered "standard" in the adult world. It was, and still is, hard to adjust to a world with less abuse and restrictions. My therapist even said to me in response of me talking about how surprised I was about the kindness I've received at work that , even now, years after all these issues have gone by, I still assume that everyone will treat me the same way that I was treated as a child.

People say childhood is all about freedom, but it's nothing but restriction.

My child in particular was...not usual, I'll admit. But I remember it vividly. It was so bad I developed severe depression and anxiety and had suicidal tendencies all by the age of 6. So maybe most people had more freedom and happiness in their own. I know I basically had to take care of myself when I was at home as a child due to my circumstances. But I do believe my point still stands. I can't understand people who say that childhood is a happy thing. As for me, my interest in babyfur and littefur stuff has to do with being a "do over", to be able to see and experience a happy childhood because I didn't have that. I hated my (real) childhood and I never want to go back. I think that a lot of people forget things like that.

I'm sure people thought I left or forgot about me but that's alright (no, really, I understand haha) I've just been really sick and dealing with stuff so I haven't been around as much, and as I've mentioned my interest in furry stuff isn't as strong as it used to be, but not gone.

The community I thought was accepting wasn't as much, surprise surprise. Actually probably the worst I've ever seen, they just kept all the bad stuff hidden. Everyone was really hostile to eachother and I couldn't handle it. So I'm more likely to hang around here again.

I don't know how active I'll be as it requires massive amounts of energy to do anything. But I'm getting along alright. I still draw, just less. I'll try to do more though.

Anyways if you have any questions, concerns, comments, want to chat, whatever, I'll be around, just a little slowly.

A lot has gone on this past while. I thought I'd mention them here so people know what I've been up to.

1. I haven't forgotten about swapsies. For various reasons which will be mentioned, I have been unable to complete it. I do intend to complete it eventually of course, and I will.

2. My condition has been getting much worse and thus I don't have much energy to do pretty much anything. Drawing has been out of the question for a while, but I've been starting to be able to do it.

3. Recently my cat had some serious issues that nearly led to his death. This was a horrible period of time and I was extremely sad. Things are better now, but he's also very old. When he eventually does die, I probably won't recover from the depression for a while, especially considering how much this recent scare affected me.

4. I've mentioned before that I've lost interest in furry stuff and this site in general. It's just not fun to me anymore. I'll still check from time to time, but my heart's just not in anymore.

5. I did find joy elsewhere though, and managed to find a fandom where I actually feel I belong, as well as a group of online friends. This is basically the thing I've wanted most in my whole life, so I'm happy despite the problems I've been having.

6. Because of my health issues becoming severe to the point of near bedridden-ness, my job has allowed me to work from home. This makes things a lot easier.

7. To help with my medical issues, I tried a new medication, however the dosage was too high and led to severe side effects, including not sleeping for 2 days, even though initially things were great. We're still working on the dosages to see if it'll help at all and that the side effects will decrease as my body gets used to it.

That's about it. Sorry for not being all that available lately. That probably won't change, but I thought some people would want to know what's been going on.

I think I've lost interest in the whole furry thing. Nothing really happened to make me think that way, I just...aren't really all that interested anymore.

I'll probably still draw stuff, but won't be ver active. I still have to do the swapsies thing. After that unless we're already friends you probably won't hear from me.

I haven't been feeling well at all lately. I don't really feel like explaining, but that's why I haven't been and probably won't be all that active or talkative for a while. Not like many people talk to me anyways, but yeah. Just a heads up I guess.

I was thinking about this for a while, as my 3 main cub characters all relate to myself in different ways. I've touched on the subject before with a few people, but I'll be more detailed in this journal.

Skye is basically the child I wish I was who has the childhood I never had. He's liked by his peers and by adults, he's not the most popular kid, but no one really hates him. He's teased sometimes, as most kids are, but never bullied like I was. Because he's not being harassed and mistreated daily, he has his chance to shine in school where it was quickly seen and tested that he had a very high IQ. His parents fostered that strength and allowed him to go to a school for gifted children, and allowed him to explore whatever his heart desires. His parents are very supportive, of course he gets in trouble sometimes as all kids his age do, but they make sure he knows they love him, and they are encouraging and help him with homework and whatever he needs. His family isn't super rich, but they have enough money to live comfortably and them some. He has no developmental or psychological disorders, and while he's shy, he's not afraid of other people. He experiences emotion like a regular child his age, though he rarely cries, and has a few friends which his parents set up playdates with.

Lizzie is closer to my own childhood, but a much idealized version of it. As she is younger than Skye, she has yet to experience the pain that school can bring. As for her family situation, I haven't decided what to go with exactly, but either death or divorce in regards to her father. Her mother has a few psychological issues and with that combined with her job taking up most of her life, she is either left at a daycare or watched by her uncle, who has drinking problems. Her mother loves her very much, but she's just simply often not there. Still, she loves her mother and is very attached to her. Because of her odd situation, she has almost no experience in socializing with other children, and has trouble dealing with other adults that aren't her mother, that also goes for her uncle. She's also lacking in various skills that she should have by her age, and she doesn't talk much, except to her stuffed animals, especially Ruxie. Because she's so young though, she doesn't realize how serious her situation is, and she loves playing outside and experiencing new stimuli, as long as it's quiet.

Alexander is a literal representation of my childhood. At 6 years old he had been through so much that he already has serious issues with depression and anxiety, and he is also autistic. In addition, he doesn't fit standard gender roles, causing even further bullying. He often has mental breakdowns due to the severe bullying he experiences from both his peers and his teachers, getting him in further trouble as the adults all think he's just doing it for attention. Calls home are frequent, where his story again is not believed and he is again punished. He is often blamed for things that he didn't do, often things that other kids did, but no one believes him, and the entire school thinks he's a liar. He cries several times daily. All he wants is to be left alone, but he never gets solace except at home where he spends almost the entirety of it in his room. Both his parents drink and smoke, and his father does drugs, and they often invite strangers over to the house and blast loud music. His family is incredibly poor, leading to even further bullying because they can not afford required items for events like beanie baby day. He's never had a single friend. Pokemon is the sole thing that makes him happy (this is the only thing that isn't 100% accurate, because Pokemon didn't exist in America when I was 6) and even at his age, he is frequently contemplating both mass murder and suicide. No one has yet to help him, and he is only continually punished for his problems. This treatment by his teachers and peers started when he entered pre-school, and won't end until he's in high school, which by that time he is such a broken mess that he literally refuses to speak and becomes incapable of showing any sort of emotion.

I love to RP, though I hardly ever get the chance to, and I'm shy about asking people, so I usually don't. But thanks to a friend I decided that maybe I should. So would anyone actually want to? It would make me happy x3

I do have some guidelines though, and I do hope that it's not being too nitpicky:

- Full sentences, up to and including paragraphs. I'm not gonna require people to have 'so and so many lines' like many RPers do, as it depends on the context. However, I do like RPs to flow like a story, so no asterisks and try to not ONLY reply with one sentence each and every time.

- 3rd person only. No "I do *action*". My character is not me and I honestly find it a little creepy when people do that.

- Nothing involving sex. I don't mind including fetishes if talked about first, but only tame ones like wetting, especially as it makes sense for a cub rp. Please talk to me about what you would want to include so we can come to an agreement and I won't get surprised. I have the right to say no.

- I like to talk out what the general idea of it would be beforehand. Nothing super detailed, just simple setting works. (ie. "playground" "fantasy AU" etc)

I would prefer to rp through here on FA. However if and only if, I get to know you and trust you I may give you my Skype.

- She's extremely shy around others, so she doesn't talk much, some may be surprised that she even talks at all
- But when it comes to exploring, she's bold and fearless - leading to injuries on some occasions
- She loves nature and cute things
- She's curious and fascinated by the world around her, wanting to see and experience everything
- She also enjoys playing by herself in her room, which is what she does most often
- Even though she's younger than Skye, she's bigger than him
- She treats her toys like they are living things and takes great care of them
- Her stuffed animal Ruxie almost never leaves her side, being both a comfort item and a friend to her
- Yosh is her best "living" friend
- She still hasn't been potty trained, but it doesn't bother her, the sound of toilet flushes scare her
- She's afraid of loud noises in general
- She's extremely obedient, but has a tendency to wander off
- She likes to draw, paint, and do other quiet, artistic activities

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technolo.....illnesses.html

I thought this was a particularly interesting article, since I can relate to this in multiple ways and know others who can too. I have little interest in the game because it looks more frustrating rather than funny, but I liked what they had to say on it.