i wiil be moving my account over to the username Velliwolf to complete my identity change so expect some new watches in the next few days.

I apologize for any confusion I may have set upon people. The time has come for a change. I used to think my fursona was more of an otter, but after a lot of thinking, it really doesn't fit me spiritually. My affinity for otters came from Redwall and they had this appeal about them. Try as I might, I just never felt a full connection with them. Throughout my years, I have had this prescence inside me. This dark figure with glowing eyes and silence around him. I personified it into a anthro wolf with a stare that is sometimes so cold it can freeze mercury as the adage goes. But he is not always so standoffish, either. He can be nice and fight for friends he believes in...just not in a typical fashion. I named this being as my fursona with the name Velli. It comes from the Renaissance writer Machiavelli who wrote about "the ends justifying the means". Sometimes in order to get a job done, you abandon feelings and you do what your gut tells you.

The wings were just there and (apologies to  nbowa and any other Cyclones fans :p) the black and yellow were just the colors I had when I visualized him. Most people write entire epochs based on their fursonas/characters, but sometimes its about what you feel spiritually. Its how I found Velli, its nice who I wish I could be, but rather an embodiment of my thoughts, feelings and way of going through life. Most of the time he is calculating and pensive, but he can be outgoing and social.

If anyone has questions feel free to send them my way.


From The Renaissance Wolf,
Velli

There may be a few things I need to tweak on the suit, but this is a suit more for meets rather than public. I pricked myself with needles a million times trying to sew. I worked through cruel temperatures and my thermostat not cooperating, and I even cried a bit when the going got tough, but I finally have a partial suit. Once I save up enough I will get a professional one done, but for now I wanted this one to tide me over for when I go to meets and such. Youtube link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LekweSQ97I&feature=youtu.be

I want to thank everyone who kept me going during this process. Chu, Orio, Truffles, and a bunch of other people who kept believing in me and telling me not to give up! Thank you all for helping me make Velli happen!

This is my first successful attempt at a fursuit! After several craniotomies and readjustments, all I have left is shaving and a few minor touchups. Take a look and tell me what you think!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQKlWm4j7mY&feature=youtu.be

I keep sitting down to these journals and for days I haven't been able to think about what to write. And now at 10:30 at night i've come to the conclusion that I think I'm trying to bottle in things that I would rather not discuss: How my brother betrayed me, how I need to learn to not be so paranoid, and depression.

First I'll start with the paranoia. I sometimes think that people are out to get me. I never was able to write my thoughts down in journals for more than a few days. Anything else I had in my room wasn't even subject to privacy. Somehow my parents would always find things. Like when I was younger I used to be more involved in gay pride and pridefests. I would get free t-shirts and swag from them. I stayed overnight at a friends house and the next day the shirts were gone. I had not touched them and then *poof* gone. Without even the slightest bit of hesistation since then, I have tried to conceal and lie as best as I can to my parents about things I don't want them to see.

They don't and probably will never understand furry. They are old-generation hypocrites stuck in a modern era. It took them seven years to accept me coming out. It doesn't matter what I think, when my mom's mind is made up its made up and she always has to be right. My dad usually goes along with what she says and its annoying. I really don't know if its an anxiety thing that she can't be wrong or if she just can't handle failure. I must admit I don't like failing at things, so maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I must admit I do have a lot to be thankful for, but money is not always one of them. My parents have worked hard all their lives and now have more money than they know what to do with. They constantly lord it over me the whole proverbial "Work hard and you'll get far" schpeal. They have to be on the straight and narrow because they are Catholics and I shouldn't go to church because the church condemns gays. Money is not always there for you, neither is religion. Sometimes all I do when I'm stressed is just pray that my depression doesn't set in. I'm not saying there isn't a God out there, I'm just saying that you can't just rely on prayer and following the straight and narrow to get success.

I hang with people who are everything from factory workers to electrical engineers and actuarial specialists. I try to see things from everyone's point of view. Sometimes, though, people betray and sometimes I don't realize how much I internalize these things. I still have no forgiven my brother for what he has done and I think subconciously it has had a wierd effect on me. I keep trying to distance myself from those memories, but they still hurt and everything around them does, too. How do I get over those? They never seem to end.

So aside from my parents not giving me a respectable sense of privacy and my brother betraying me, there is also the matter of me being raped. I think something about that has made me untrusting of people as well. Through all considered, I think the last year or so I have been trying to find "shields" to protect myself from pain when perhaps what I need to do is find some way to externalize my anger and sadness rather than have it hurt me from the inside. I just want to be happy and I want to live a life that doesn't make me keep thinking that someone is out to get me. I need to trust more people and forgive others.

Fuck Oregon! Let's go to El Dorado!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qT-mobWKKBk

I don't understand him. Is it that hard to make an effort to at least see someone as a friend once in a while? He claims he has long days, but yet he resists any attempt I make to cook for him or to try and make his day easier. I am done with this idiot.

On other notes...camping this weekend. Will I survive? It remains to be seen. The morning is unclear and my rage is high.

A lot of you have been commenting on my arts that are both on and off of FA which I deeply thank you all for doing. I take pride in my work, I make mistakes, but each time you learn you come closer to successes. So here's the dealio: I'm now changing my FA account type to crafter or artist as some say. A list of prices and commission slots follow along with a queue of work already established.

Tails: $25 (extra for detail)*
Ref sheets: $20 (2 poses) $30 (3 poses)
Handpaws (with armings): $40

Other: Send a message


Current Queue:

---

1 - Truffles (Ref sheet) - Gift
2 - Personal (Ref sheet)

- Open Slots -

3 - Matt (tail) - Paid
4
5
6

---

(I should also say I do things with program in some languages as well, but prices vary by project and my capabilities at the current time)

Come and get at me furs!

We all love books made out of paper. For some that was not enough though. People can get paper cuts on pages, books can yellow with age, and they can burn at a temperature of 451 degrees. For some, they wanted something better for books and eventually devices like Kindles were born. With this advent, however, came the cry that traditional reading would soon be gone. Regardless of whatever happens in that respect the main idea to focus on is not that one thing may replace another, but the fact that someone thought of a different way to see an idea that had worked for centuries.

I am beginning to see that perhaps revolutions of thought don't necessarily come with unique ideas, but different ways of seeing something. Apple created a demand for its fancy computers were you may drop 2 to 3 grand just for a new computer when you could get a Dell laptop for $900. They didn't want just another computer, it was deemed as the equivalent of luxury.

I myself have found some ways to make money with improving on ideas that are there. It only takes ingenuity to make things happen and time. That is something I am learning. Good ideas come to me, they just don't always make sense at first.

I have a corporate side. There is a side to me that wants little to do with anything but my dreams and aspirations. Forget coming home to family on weekends. There stupid sense of entitlement and that fact that we have to feel so fucking guilty because we are Catholic. This is why I need not just an internship right now, but a solid position. One where I make enough to pay my bills and afford other things. I don't want to be a millionaire persay, or have the responsibilties of a white-collar job. I may be dark, but I don't know if I am that ruthless. Whenever I get in this morbid mood I then have another side of me trying to inject humility into my thoughts. That side keeps telling me to remember that I am only human and that I am no different from anyone else.

But yet I want to be different. I don't want to waste my idle moments just sitting around like the typical quiet American. I want to be constantly scheming up ideas, working to get ahead of the competition. It just hurts so much inside constantly feeling like I'm not doing enough. Having to have my parents hold financial obligations over my head, thats just pure evil. You shouldn't ask me to come home just because it saves me money, you should do it because you want to see and recognize that I am an adult. My distaste for you glows bright red. My stomach feels sick, my thoughts make my anxiety rise. I feel a pain inside that I cannot define. I feel helpless because I have to depend on you both. I feel so weak to fight against it.

Weekends are meant for relaxing not stress. I have had to turn my phone off various times this week for different reasons. If I don't pick up leave me a message. Do not blow up my phone calling multiple times or it makes me that much more likely to block you and forget you even exist.

Also, I am sick of morons lately. If I tell you I am NOT interested, I mean it. You may want to say that I should give you a chance, but you know what? You don't f***king own me like some d**n piece of property. You should respect my right to free will and understand there is someone else in my life at the moment who I am courting. It sucks being single, I realize this. I've lived through years of it and isolation from people, but I somehow managed to survive. Who knows where my current relationship will go, but its none of your f**king business if I don't want it to be. I used to think I was a pushover, but overtime I learned not to be quiet and timid. I am assertive and I will not back down. You can have whatever diluted fantasies you want to in your head, but I am NOT, and let me repeat with an underscore, NOT going to be subject to you just because you can't take the fucking hint that I have lost interest. If I talk less to you and don't show romantic interest then that should be a sign with proverbial bright neon lights, Sherlock. IT MEANS I AM IN ALL PROBABILITY NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.

That being said let me get to the meat and potatoes of my stressful week.

I just started an internship and it feels overwhelming. I go in there everyday learning things I never learned in the classroom. I don't know if teachers did not have time to teach these things or if they were just beyond the scope of these classes. I try to code things and I have had to ask several people for help on a project. The first one went fine, but now this second project has me completely bamboozled. Its a project dealing with a lot of object-class interaction and I have not seen anything like it until two days ago. There is no deadline on the project, I am just supposed to work on it. Each day that goes by that I work on this makes me feel like I don't understand like 80% of it. I know they wouldn't have given me the internship if they didn't feel I couldn't understand the material, it just feels debilitating when you hit several cognitive walls in one day. I keep asking other co-workers for help which is what I am supposed to do, I just wish I had more of a sense of accomplishment from this job. I start something hypothetically at about 8 in the morning and when it look up, it is almost time for lunch. Is this what internships are supposed to be like? Should I express my concerns to my supervisor? I'm not used to being in a position as complex as mine. Anyone have advice?

I feel a flame rise up inside of me. How long until I am rid of this curse? Why the fuck must I come home every weekend? Why can't my parents take the fucking hint that I only want to see them once a month and no more unless it's a holiday? I'll fucking do my laundry up at school. I don't mind sitting in a blank apartment with whitewashed walls. I don't mind listening to repetative mind-numbing music while I work. Its become an obligation and they keep lording it over me how they are helping me pay for college. For heaven's sake I know that. I get good grades, I do all I can to be a good student. And then you act incredulous when I tell you I need more space. You constantly think its something you both did wrong. When the fuck did I say that? When the fuck did I make you two seem like pariahs? Just do my a favor and stop because the more you push, the further I pull away. Your incessent calls every night are enough to make me barf. And you keep asking to see if I am ok. Wouldn't I fucking call you if I wasnt?!? You keep thinking that something bad will happen to me and all I have turned into is a financial investment to you both. I don't fucking care if you get lonely without me there. Its called fucking EMPTY NEST syndrome. Learn to live with it. Learn to be lonely or learn to live without me. I am not, and have never been, someone to be treated like all life goes when I leave. What the fuck is your obessession with me. Why does everything have to fucking stop because I am not around. You know what? if you can't learn to let me choose my time to come down and see you, I just will come home for holidays and won't even answer the phone.

***WARNING - STRONG LANGUAGE AND STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS RANT***

So my mom is bipolar, I don't know how many of you know that. Lord knows how my dad takes it and stays with her.

Her latest rant at us came courtesy of the fact that my dad forgot to tell her the dryer buzzer went off downstairs. We were all tired and watching a movie. I had a headache and just wanted to try and focus on the movie. My dad apparently was supposed to tell my mom after 5 minutes so her clothes did not shrink. He didn't. Mom says now all her clothes have shrunk yet she hung them to dry the rest of the way anyways. She called us worthless sons-of-bitches.

I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened, but it is not. Its happened all my life. People wonder why I'm so quiet at times, so anxious. I can point to that being a main source of it. When my mom gets in a mood there is no reasoning with her. This goes well beyond the whole cliche "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" bit. No, she is a real ringtailed bitch that cannot be reasoned with. We are the bad guys because something unfortunate happened and claims with both lack any common sense. For God's sake woman, it was a simple mistake. If you can't tolerate mistakes the you need to fucking change your goddamn life. Life isn't perfect and if you haven't realized that after almost 60 years then you've been diluting yourself the entire way.

And then I ask her why she is so mean, why she doesn't try to change. And she simply responds that she is old and doesn't have to change for anyone. It's like she has somehow given up on life, but still lives for God knows what reason. I don't understand her. I hope your happy mom. You're unchecked ranting and raving through the years has hurt a whole lot more than some Goddamn clothes that probably still fit just fine. Maybe if you would stop to think how your anger affects others and actually take the time to hear what you are saying. You may not mean any of it the next day, but words hurt. It all hurt. It still hurts and you are the sole reason I dread going home on weekends. It doesn't matter if you are fine with me and dad tomorrow. You said those words to the both of us, to our faces. Words hurt and you don't know how bad because you have to think your so fucking perfect. I'll be so happy once I go back to my apartment at least there I won't have anyone to yell at me for the slightest infraction upon your perfect universe.

So here I sit this morning wondering about how happy I am. I must admit I think I'm
being unrealistic in many ways.

My thoughts on finding romance at this point in life: Men? Don't need one. I'd rather
spend my discretionary income on other valuable things like an iPad or cons. Every
time I try to date outside the fandom, for example, the five-letter F word comes up
and holy Jesus, its out the door, parking lot, goodbye! On the opposite end of the
spectrum, everytime I try to date in the fandom, something always goes inevitably
wrong. I guess I am not destined for love right now so much as being infatuated with
all the marvels of tablets.

My thoughts on what I want my social life to be like at this point: I enjoy going to
wine tastings, plays, and other such things. I used to go to a lot more in relation
to GLBT concerns and while it was expensive as hell sometimes, it was fun to just be
in the moment. You go home with a sense of happiness.

I don't mean to get in the good ol' man-bashing bandwagon or to sound like an insensative
prick, just getting stuff off my mind. Randomly. Feel free to reprimand, comment, whatever
you see fit to do to this rant.

Behold, Mondo Medicals!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYwZO7rxQeI&list=PL6B0D4EC842F7C05A&index=1&feature=plpp_video

Got a job!

Maybe I'm worried over nothing. I feel like even after I get a comp sci job, I am never going to make enough money to enjoy things like a con. I firmly refuse to even use a credit card. I have a debit card, but the money is there when I use it, so I don't worry about much more than that. It will take me some time to afford a house with all my other bills, but am I being irrational by saying that I don't even want a credit card?

I must admit I have had a nice life up to this point, I haven't wanted for much. Yet, I spend frugally and it amazes me how other people can spend so freely on things like art and badges. It probably is a paranoid side of me, but it seems like unexpected things can always creep up. Not only that but when I do feel the urge to spend freely, I get horrified by how easily it adds up.

I am hoping for a job over the summer. I guess you could say I'm struggling with a sense of validation. I've had to work multiple jobs over the past years from factory work to customer service. Those are all fine and dandy, but I feel like until I get an internship I'm not...well...Im not an actual computer scientist. If I'm not good enough for a position evidently there is still something I am doing wrong or I don't have enough experience. Maybe I'm beating myself up too much, but I just worry that there is always something more I can be doing.

I undersand the whole saying "save when you're young". I guess I just feel some weird feeling of anxiety mixed with perplexing questions in my head. Is there a point in life where you can finally get ahead? How long does one have to wait while paying their dues?

I shouldn't view school as being so daunting at times. I know the teachers main jobs are to make sure we know our materials, but sometimes it feels like I have to be perfect. That I feel like even getting B's on tests are going to hurt me later because my major isn't an easy subject. How have I been blessed with the ability to understand complicated subjects like recursion and graph theory (that's different than topics dealing with Cartesian planes; think Dijkstra's Algorithm).

I guess my thoughts are atrophying into randomness at this hour so I am done ranting. Once I' think of something else I'll post. Until then toodles, folks!

Well, my body is in limbo somewhere between sleepy and wide-awake, so you know what this means, right? Journal time!

Ok, I will admit it, the first suit I tried to make was horrible. You people have made fun of it and rightly so! But do not distress! I am making a second suit with professional help! And it shall hopefully be good when ready. I am in now hurry for it to get done.

Next subject to talk about...I may have a job here soon. I have a few interviews this and next week! Huzzah, the money shall flow like wine and err...something, but it will be good!

Um, not sure what else to talk about...my mind went silent! Damn soco for making me so goofy!

Ok, two announcements:

1) Debts drive me crazy, especially ones I put off to the side and forget about. I know there are a few people out there that I owe art. I know I owe Teufel art. If I get some time this weekend I am going to rectify this, get it done, bring it to the next meet and then everything will be on the even for me.

2) I have a final project coming up for my Visual Basic class. There are a couple of ways I can go about this.

a) Design a game of some sort

b) Design a program for a mock company

c) Design a miscellaneous program (something along the lines of engineering and mathematics) that would be used to do research (it could possibly even tie into my undergrad research [pending I get it].)

If I did one of the first two, I would probably find some way to incorporate other people into them. I have a few ideas hashed out lightly already.

1) If I design a game it would probably be a platformer or a logic game. I was thinking of maybe writing a musical track of two for it. If I do decide to go this route, I want to commission themes for friends. I have written songs in the past, just not on a huge scale back when I was considering a music major. One or two people could have a song made for them as a gift and included in this final project. As far as a story goes, I actually have a couple rough drafts of ideas I've kept stored too over the years.

2) If I design a program for a mock company, it might be web-based along the lines of ASP.net. As it would be a web site with a database, I might try to make it like it was for a fursuit-building company. Maybe I could film a few people in suit and would give credit in the acknowledgements for the site.

3) For miscellaneous programs I really don't have too many ideas yet, just scientific stuff like measuring intelligence. I remember reading about psychological programs like the one that was created at MIT in the 1960's. It was sort of a reflective therapy. A patient would type in something like:

"I have issues dealing with large groups of people."

The program would then find a way to form a question to probe the issue further by reaaranging the sentence into a question:

"What issues do you specifically have dealing with large groups of people?"

Granted back then AI was only imagination, but the program worked well from what I understand.

Anyways, I have my ideas, but I wanted some outside input. Anyone have any advice?

I feel much better than I did last week. To those I may have been short with at the time, I apologize. I must have really needed this Spring Break. At the beginning of the week I was mad about a million things, but then my anger disappeared. I suppose if you get too stressed out little things really can get to you if you let them.

Also, I heard about the furs who just got in a car crash. One of the things that has been on my mind actually a lot lately has been people who have passed away. You never do truly know how much time you have on this earth. I've been thinking how I've been trying to work myself to the bone just to get ahead on everything. The truth is I've been running myself ragged. I've been trying to make square pegs fit into round holes in a sense.

Getting a summer job used to be a lot more scary for me. I thought I'd never be able to save up enough to go back to school a second time. I thought I would be stuck in a customer service position for a great period of time and my anxiety would spike at most jobs I had. Its not so bad when you start a job with a light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose at those points and time that was also before I discovered all my great fur-friends. Having lots of friends lowers anxiety and makes me smile a lot thinking of how wonderful you all are.

As for my classes, I am not that worried. All of my classes are going good and I can say with great certainty that I will pass all my classes with good grades. Its all a matter of making it to May.

Oh, one more thing while I'm on that subject. Some of you have heard I may possibly be moving to Omaha for the summer. That is still pending mitigating factors and other job offers closer to eastern Iowa. I'd really miss you all here if I had to leave for a while. Hope all goes well these next couple days for everyone!

I am finally getting around to cleaning out all the old art supplies I have left from my old room at my parents house. I thought about pitching it all en masse, but then I decided that some of it may not be taken by normal garbage trucks. I am giving away some of these supplies to help move things out. The supplies I have include:

- 1 Glass picture frame 12 x 16
- 1 18 x 24 artist wooden writing pad (has a handle on it and clips so one can work outside)
- 2 2-sheet sets of foam core backing board (grey on one side, white on the other)
- assorted used sheets of foam core and or matte board
- assorted old graphic/web design books
- 3 cans of spray adhesive
- A few miscellaneous art supplies I am still sorting through

I can provide pictures of quality if so desired. If anyone is interested in having any of these supplies, send me a reply on here

This day has taught me a lot. I'm trying to stay positive about it, but after getting stabbed in the foot, having a program I worked on for hours suddenly stop working, and screwing up suit attempts for the umpteenth time, I need to vent big-time.

I thought it would be cheaper to make a suit rather than to commission one. I tend to be the voice of frugality in most issues. I didn't know if there were any makers who went by payment plans. I want to make something clear here. I don't want a suit just to hop on the bandwagon, so to speak. I love suits, dont get me wrong. I have family all over Cedar Rapids and everytime I am out with a furry crowd, I am always nervous I will be seen by someone; my luck tends to run bad when I least expect it. A suit would conceal my identity and also make me feel more whole. I may as well bite the bullet and commission someone for one.

I had two tests today and a programming lab so I am a little irritable. Not that I did bad on any of those, but its been a busy day. I barely got anything to eat until supper. I enjoy my academics, but sometimes they overwhelm me. I need to make one thing clear. I will not be attending FCN for various reasons:

- I have two tests/quizzes scheduled for that day. Moving those types of tests is like moving Heaven and Earth.

- I have three classes regardless of test work on Friday. I could say I have family obligations and miss them for one day, but therein lies another dilemma. Most people who go to cons don't want to drive back Sunday night and I have three classes Monday.

- Finances can be dodgy this time of year. I have to find a summer internship.

- I do not have a ride and I am not going to drive 9 hours on my own like I did last year.

Today hasn't been a shambles, but its just left me in a really sour mood. _|_____|_

I have to put my academics first. Its a long road to hoe, I realize. But if I can just get a job somewhere I can start making money again. I probably should go to bed now so I can get up for class. In the meantime, does anyone know suitmakers who deal with payment plans?

I am simply frustrated. I have just about worked through two terms of my Bachelor of Science degree for computer science. I applied to a place that told me to come back after the last term only for them to tell me I still haven't taken enough classes. They specifically told me to come back after last term was done. What class haven't I taken yet?! Apparently some classes must point to a certain direction. I suppose they don't want anyone just coming in and programming. In Data Structures you learn basic things like simple sorts (i.e. - insertion sorts, bubble sorts) and then shit gets real and you learn about the logistical-sorts (sorting techniques that equate to run-times of log base 2 of n).

I will admit having an apt to myself is quite nice as far as privacy goes. For those who have known me for a while you know about my family and their conservativeness on issues. I just wish I had more friends up here to occupy time. I have been busy working on the snow leopard suit to occupy time, but I need to make sure I am also looking for an internship. I get these bouts of depression and I'm not sure if its the weather or what it is.

I just don't feel like writing anymore right now.

I finally felt like getting this down tonight into writing. I have lots of things on my mind, but its been hard to put them in cohesive thoughts. Sometimes I overcomplicate things I need to express and sometimes its best just to say what needs to be said.

College has been going pretty good for me. Right now with my schedule it just means missing a lot of cons because I have classes Friday and early Monday. Even if I did find a way to get out of them on Friday, most people I know stay until Tuesday at the cons because otherwise its too much work to get back. I suppose I can live with the fact that I won't be able to possibly attend another con until 2013.

As far as my classwork goes, I need to relax. I keep thinking I need to get A's in everything just to prove I know what is being taught. I just need to keep my grades up in general. Why do I feel I need to know everything right away? Its not going to get me to graduation any faster.

Second, one of my friends wound up in the hospital this weekend. He is out and doing ok now, but it just made me feel scared for a while. Sometimes bad things just happen to good people and there really isn't much you can do for them except be there for them.

Third, I realized last week marked one year of going to meets at [faicon]Nbowa[/faicon]'s. When I first started going there I was shy, didnt know many people and was quiet. Now I'm very social and outgoing (aside from being the local object for tickling since Dusty never shows up anymore). It amazing how many people I have met there (and most likely will still meet!)

Fourth, I guess I'm just going through a really hard time right now and I want things to settle back down again. I have a lot bottled up inside, but I am trying to let it out in a peaceful way. Yes, I know my first attempt at a fursuit wasn't that great. Frankly, I have been tolerating a lot from people and I need to be more vocal about saying when something does bother me and when it doesn't. I have someone with a lot of suit making/repairing experience helping me with my snow leopard suit. I have the fur and the tools, I just need to assemble stuff. My mentor [faicon]Mahadri[/faicon] is currently enroute to Furry Fiesta.

Not really sure what else I want to say right now. I just need time to calm down and get ready for the week. It will be a busy one, for sure.

So I ordered a fur palette from DF Fur and they have all there stuff on clearance. Does that mean they are going out of business or anything? I have another site to order from, but does anyone know what is going on with DF?