so decided to run some numbers, and was shocked exactly how tight I'm running my budget.. the % left over in the end is about ~3% of YEARLY income after tax.


Rent: 37.22%
Food: 18.6%
Car Ins: 7.44%
Gas: 7.44%
Convention/Rainy Day fund: 10%
Retirement: 6.2%
Loan: 10.2%

I probably should mention I got a new job .. Assistant Manager at Hy-Vee , and this is using the number from that..

this song I feel relates to me / my situation and some of the lyrics seem to really stick to me. I'd almost dare say this has become a personal anthem of sorts to me as well.







I've actually known about this song for several years and might stumble back onto it when I look at some of my favorited music, but this year in particular it seems to have stuck with me probably because of everything going on.

Not sure many people who follow me are still even using FA actively (as I've been very inactive myself) so I guess this is more or less to vent to myself.

So things have been getting worse. As I write I am on a day-off yet can't bring myself to easily do stuff. I'm 31 and as some of you know have a mental disability, and it's put me in a position were I can work, but with the effects of my disability being noticeable at times, but not disabled enough to get SSDI meaning I must work to survive.

In all the years Ive worked I've been a hard working person, shows up on time, takes extra shifts, pulls double shifts, all the things you would expect someone who wants to move up in a company. Yet I've only gotten 1 promotion and even so it was mainly due to a friend of mine (an Assistant Manager at the time) pushing my then boss to move me up. I've been a supervisor now for going on 2 years (as of November) and at the time of writing it seems unlikely I'd move up any time soon if at all.

The Depression has been hitting me that just can't get anywhere in a career, Other things such as Minimum wage rising hasn't helped either (basically over 2 years I've earned $1.65 / hr in raises from performance and $0.50 from my promotion, this may sound great except that thanks to minimum wage going up I've gone from making 1$/hr over minimum wage to $1.40 / hr over what minimum wage currently is.. basically I've been screwed out of my hard work and with Minimum wage increasing so has food and other prices gone up, basically keeping me about where I started).

I recently also went over my expenses and income and realized that just on the basics (Rent, Gas, Food, Insurance) I have so little left that putting $65 per week away to save for conventions/retirement actually sets me in the hole, and then anything I do for "entertainment" (seeing a movie, going to furmeets, going to Pathfinder, etc) just compounds this. Basically the best 2 things to "cut" would be if I could transfer to a different store thats closer and hopefully cut my gas in half or eat for even cheaper than I do (I currently shoot for $3 or less per meal).


The only reason It's not been too bad is that I usually get a few hours of overtime each week and that covers the money I put away to save and entertainment expenses I do.


If there is anyone out there that reads this I don't know how you can help me, and frankly I don't think some shrink or medicine can help me either (unless it can cure my mental disability permanently) so yeah I guess all I can do is just sit here and contemplate if I should end it all or not....

Seems life like to make sure I don't have "good" years by ensuring I have plenty of rough patches even during seemingly good times...

So this latest one involved my vehicle. 2 Weeks ago I got into an Accident, no injuries thankfully but my van is very likely gonna be declared totaled, its derivable (albiet I need a mirror on the drive side and I use the sliding door to get the driver door open) and have been using it to get to and from work which btw I work at a Holiday Station Store now and even got promoted to Shift Leader last November, but still I don't make alot as you could imagine.

As I left work and was bringing a co-worker home I hit a pothole and it got my rear passenger tire flattened bad...about 1 1/2 hrs - 2 hrs later got Road side assistance and my spare tire on to get home, the problem is the extra hassle to get new tires and I may or may not even be able to keep the vehicle.. ill explain...

When you total a vehicle you get some money back based on value and you CAN buy it back for the scrap value, however the can is dependent on the insurance company and their willingness to sell it back to you. I hope to be able to buy it back, live with the damage (slapping on a mirror so its legal to drive).

I really really can't afford another vehicle or even a lease as I am already super tight on cash (after taxes I have roughly ~$1000/mo, 600 of which goes to rent, $300 for food and gas and whatever is left for being able to have some fun so I dont get depressed or suicidal and stay relatively happy)

sigh :(

Tirle says it.. Feel free to chat and hear what ive been doing

Note before you read: I talk about a crisis happening in my life, this post includes talk about my struggle the last few weeks with Depression, Suicide, and more, if this makes you uncomfortable then please... turn away now to another post)

So this really all started around 3 weeks back.. I had a burnout about my job and ended up missing a day of work because of it, I thought after 3 days off in a row and feeling better that it was over.. 2 weeks later it ended up becoming a full blown life crisis that has made me question a lot of things, including the reasons to continue to live, my job, my life, etc)

The crisis started 1 week ago on Friday when it became too much for me to even go to work, that week had been just about hell on earth for me.. including several days where I cried before work and days were I was downright close to killing myself.. even at work where I couldn't help but think about things at work I could use to kill myself. Other things like getting a bill for $1200 for a medical bill which I'm going to be hard pressed to pay did not help either.

The causes of this was a buildup of stress in both work and life..but I think work contributed Heavily to it. Wal-Mart is notorious for under staffing and it was getting bad the last few months at my store.. to the point were I had to man the Electronics Dept. or even most of the GM (Gen. Merchandise) side alone or with only 1 or 2 people (in the GM side and me being alone in Electronics) during the very busy evening.. 1 Night it was just me, an associate from Fabrics and Crafts, and the Support Manager on the GM side from 5 PM to 10 PM after which it was just me and the Support Manager from 10 pm to 11 PM Store close. In the case of that evening neither myself nor the Support Manager had any breaks what so ever for over 4 hours in a row and both took our respective 2 x 15 minute breaks during the last 2 hours of our shifts.

I have spoken with this support manager and pretty much he just said you need to tough through things like this, I disagree and we both know how understaffed we are.

Last Friday it reached a point that I couldn't bring myself to go to work.. I called off and decided to take a Leave of Absence from work on Medical Reasons (for my depression and suicidal thoughts), i have made appointments with my Doctor and others for this so please don't be too worried about that, I've had good days and some bad days since but I'm taking it 1 step at a time.


But this whole situation has caused what I believe to be a Life Crisis. I want to get Promoted or to a position that pays at least well enough for me to have an O.K. life were I'm not constantly worrying about bills and money to pay rent and other expenses,
I have thought about many things as a result of this including starting a Small Business or finding something better.


Please if you have any advice or comments for me please leave them below.

Since I made a Journal

I decided after 2 years now to bring back art of my ex and myself, 2 years is alot of times to think about things and not be sore about being dumped and to appreciate what we had.

expect to see a few of the old art commissions back up featuring my ex

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axuOb0eHM_M

FNAF 2 - It's been so long by Living Tombstone

Yup, its almost that time of the year again... Singles Awareness Day approaches.

Who all will be celebrating S.A.D with me this year?

2013... it started off pretty badly, losing a job , and having a hard time getting another.

It spiraled out in June after my now ex, Akiyo , left me after revealing that for months he had lied to me about his love for me. It got worse in August and September when I started getting low on cash, at times eating 1 meal a day, consisting usually of $2.50 worth of food or less, then came the depression and thoughts of suicide...........


Then a break: a new job, new friends, an unexpected letter from the Department of Labor telling me my previous employer hadnt paid me right for some of my wages and I was owed just over $1000 (at the time of the writing only $200 has been sent to me) , followed by a generous amount of hours at my usual season job (Santa Photos) during Thanksgiving and December, and another unexpected news from my current employer that will result in some extra cash....


I felt lost during the year, starving, then Karma came back around and turned misery and depression into joy and thankfulness.

Don't ever underestimate Karma.

welp I geeked out over the last 2 days, in around the course of 30 hours I watched around 30 episodes of Season 5 Digimon Data Squad.

Feeling much better and it was fun to watch, I actually hadnt watch S5 all the way through before and Now I can say ive seen most if not all Digimon Episodes for all 7 seasons (yup from the very first season to the "Boy who leapt through time" (the 2nd season / continuation from Xros Wars)

Title says it all, between not having enough work/hours to pay the bills, being single, lonely, hungry at times and rather friendless (even being told today how some people feel about me).

I feel like suicide is looking like a answer to everything right now.

As I warned in my last journal all submissions with/about  Demonic_Bellic are gone.

Good Riddens to asshole ex's

I plan to remove all artwork featuring myself and my ex (  demonic_bellic ) from my page, I will be backing it up on my personal computer and 1 other place.

People are welcome to download it if they like it, but you may not post to FA or anyother site without the explicit permission of myself and the maker of the art

-Sky

note: Singular pictures of me will remain, just pictures with my ex will be removed.

Please send your prayers out for my little brother, while on duty for Hennepin County as a intern he was going between locations with a computer in tow and was attempted to be mugged by a black man, he took some hits to the face and head, no long term damage and he spent only a little bit in the hospital to make sure he didnt have brain damage.

Please send your thoughts and prayers to my brother and support for finding the man who did this so he can be brought to Justice and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law as possible.

Ive been out of work for awhile, before I had mostly been doing online applications and not having much luck, last week I started trying more and different stuff and finally am getting alot more requests for interviews.

What ever I am doing I appear to be doing it better now, lets hope I can get some income soon, thinks really suck.

Thank you Supreme Court for reaffirming that the USA is a mixing pot of diversity and everyone is equal.

I look forward to seeing my friends and others I know get married now that both DOMA and Prop 9 were shut down.

my ex's friend,  Anthroblade is stirring out drama accusing me of shit I didnt do and being the reason me and  Demonic_bellic broke up, among other things.

Siriously, I ended on a good note with my ex and now his friend decided to stir up drama and cause shit with me.

Fuck this, fuck my life.

 Demonic_Bellic broke up with me, I dont blame him, the distance thing wasnt working and he had alot of stress in his life, I hope a day comes we can be together again, but I want to find love and don't know what will happen in a few years when he may be able to be with me once more.

I love you hun and always will, you are my first love and I am your reason for living.

Remember, you are only as old as you feel.

Happy B-day  Aurorastar

http://thequietplaceproject.com/thequietplace

Try this, takes only a few minutes and will make you feel alot better.

I have had a recent thought, that has lead to a decision, I dont care if people think it's reckless or stupid but I have the determination to see it through.

I will see my mate this summer, even if I have to starve myself, pinch pennies to the extreme

Going to bed some night depressed and sad that I cant be with him and that its been 6 months since we saw eachother is too long, I cant stand the thought of not being able to have some time to be with him and hang out together.

As God as my witness I will visit him, I love him too much and miss him too much.

If you are reading this hun, I hope you feel the same and are just as determined to have me there.


Your birdy
-Skystrider

this is a few days late but yeah, Im so happy about this, good job Minnesota, everyone deserves to love and be married.

on a personal note I'm excited it's now possible if my mate moved here for us to be legally married, ofc neither of us are quite ready yet for that step, next year maby

Well, lately I started thinking about me and my mate and how much I miss him, and how we havent gotten to see eachother since November and I came up with a poem-ish thing dedicated to him.

I dont care if it doesnt go together well at some parts, its the point of it that matters.

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10624293/


That poem is for you my love.

So I ended up having several hours at work thinking about  Demonic_Bellic visiting and how nice that'd be, considering we havent seen eachother since Furfest this year and due to work and lack of $ I cant go again.

I think this video sums up my feelings on the matter of not being able to see him this long:




I really hope somehow we can see eachother this year....

Would any artists or other people out there be willing to donate time/art/whatever to help raise money so I can visit him? Even for a weekend?

For Amtrak round trip to Michi from MN its like $150 for a round trip, my schedule is flexible enough that I could easily plan in advance for a weekend of to visit.

The problem is any $$$$ I make goes towards food, gas and then my morgage (in that order) and for those who read my last journal anything extra if I have it, goes to my parents making me be in an almost impossible situation to do anything I want other than perhaps  MNfurs and the off chance of a con (I am registered for CONvergence and was registered for Detour but Im not too such if I can go to any more that I already didnt commit to last year)
Journal in question: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4563855/

His schedule isnt flexible, so its alot harder, originally we planned to meet this Summer by having him visit, but now thats a pipe dream.

Please, Anyone out there want to help!