You know you're a deep, terrible lurker when you look at your page heading for the first time in ages and are like, "Ha, whoops, I should really update that." Like, yes, hai, I did finally start HRT this year in the spring as a matter of fact, so it's not just the "Oh I really hope someday I'll get started~" goofy message I put there like almost 8 years ago at this point. (Holy fuck.)

Also, yes, I know this is otherwise another "whoops I lurk too much" journal, bear with me, lol. Gonna do some cleanup around here and absolutely purge all the Idiot Gamers journals I posted from video uploads in the past, because I really don't think anyone is checking those out, lmao.

I haven't done shit on here for quite a while, aside from my general lurking. I got a bunch of art I've been sitting on that I should share eventually. :B

So it's been a while since I really posted anything, journal or otherwise, so to new followers, it must seem like I'm very inactive. :B Sorry for that! x_x I've just been super busy n' such. I do wanna get a bunch of the art I've commissioned put up eventually, and I wanna try to share the Idiot Gamers videos I edit again. Speaking of which, here's a recent fav edit of mine:

And there's still plenty, plenty more videos that I've neglected to share. :B Even if I forget to sharing much here, new videos are always going up on the channel weekly, so check 'em out!

I was bored, and I saw this thing floating around. I felt compelled to fill it out. >///>
Here were my results:

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
89% Experimentalist
89% Submissive
88% Bondage Receiver
84% Non-monogamist
81% Brat
71% Masochist
65% Degradation Receiver
63% Girl/Boy
63% Primal (Prey)
63% Voyeur
58% Exhibitionist
58% Slave
50% Switch
42% Primal (Predator)
38% Brat Tamer
38% Vanilla
34% Bondage Giver
31% All-Rounder
31% Pervert
30% Daddy/Mommy
29% Sadist
28% Dominant
20% Degradation Giver
20% Master/Mistress
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=163870

So apparently it had been Transgender Awareness Week, and I only found out about it now. :B I'm not really sure what all to say, especially considering I'm about to get to bed, heh. Though, I'm coming up on a year since I've come out being male to female, and I've made at least some tiny steps while I've been still here at home. I've been slowly making some inconspicuous changes to parts of my wardrobe. I made a good friend at work before he moved who's been very helpful with some things so far. I've had two consultations on hair removal, one for electrolysis, and one for laser. With the latter, I walked out with an actual appointment. It has me both excited and incredibly nervous, though I'm happy to get the ball slowly rolling now.

I've obviously got a long ways to go yet, and I'll probably have a little more to say on all this come January, but at least this is a start. I appreciate everybody who's hanging in there with me and being a great support as I started down this path. It means a great deal to me to have even the small handful of people I can count on to be there, even if it's almost exclusively online for now.

So, those who know me well enough generally know about how I've been bouncing around the question of my gender identity, thoughts and feelings on it all becoming stronger as time went on. I even sorta "settled" as being simply genderqueer for a while as I kept wrestling with my questions and thoughts. But now, moving into a new year, I think I can step out onto a new path and open up a new chapter in my life..

Yes, I'm beginning to take the exploratory steps into making a transition of myself into a female. It's something that I'm honestly a little nervous about getting out into the open, but it's also something that I feel is the right direction to go for me. It's going to be a long and difficult journey, but I'm glad to even be starting out on it, having the support of a few loved ones so far, to which I am so very grateful for. (So far, no actual family yet... That's a delicate bomb I need to take care of at a MUCH later date...)

For the moment, however, I'm limited with what I can do to progress too much further yet, still kinda being stuck at home with a job that only pays so well.. I'm hoping to at least get myself into a cheap apartment somewhere, and maybe eventually find a better job, so I can start putting money aside for the things I need to have done for myself as I slowly walk down the path.

I know not a lot of people read journals, let alone what I have to say with how little I post things in general, but I appreciate anybody who takes the time with this and I thank you. Here's hoping for a good 2014, and that my journey goes well.

Happy New Year, everybody~

~Celes~

I know I don't really have a lot of people that pay much attention to me, let alone read journals, but I'm just throwin' this one out there anyway, because updates n' such. Also aliens. (Not so much that last thing.)

SO. Target's going okay-ish. Doing my best to try to work my tail off, starting to get some cross-training into sales floor in electronics, and hopefully some more backroom training. That should get me some more hours in the long run (hopefully), especially leading into the holidays.

HOWEVER. I came across a Facebook post from a former WSAW-TV co-worker of mine (who now works over at KSTP in the Twin Cities), saying that KSTP is now hiring. One of the positions open is for the production crew, something I'm familiar with from WSAW, and something I had tried applying for prior to Target. The only thing different about it this time is that it's for a FULL TIME gig. I'm kind of worried about hopping on this after only been working at Target for just only half a year, especially when saving up n' stuff hasn't really gone so well so far, but who knows when another opportunity like this will come again. So I e-mailed my resume. *fingers crossed*

IN OTHER NEWS. Musical weekend is coming up. What does this mean, you wonder? My old high school puts on a musical every fall (my dad is the choir director there), and I'm usually around to help out n' such. Hectic week between that and work, but it'll be worth it come the weekend! Then recovery mode on Monday with a requested day off from work, heheh. For anybody curious, the show being put on is "Little Shop of Horrors." FEED ME, SEYMOUR. It's a rather silly show, but it seems fun putting it on, anyways, heheh.

ALSO. Been thinking about those paw-sock-slipper things that I've been wanting to make. :B I kinda wanna try and give it a shot. I need to do some practice with hand sewing, since I have no access to a sewing machine (nor can I afford one). I think it'd be worth it, though. The fabric store in Marshfield (where I work anyway) is running deals on fleece, and probably will run more through the winter (I was told), so I'm a little stoked to go fabric shopping at some point here. |D

ANYWAY. I think I've rambled on long enough to nobody. :B I needz sleep, work tomorrow. *flops and snores*

So it's super early in the morning, slowly getting myself to wake up before I head off to the shower and get ready for work for the day, and I stumbled across this thing in someone's journal here: http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/Sex/poe.....dsm/index.php#

So then I figured, why the hell not? These are my results from that:

You Scored as Experimental
Experimental 89%
Switch 82%
Bondage 71%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur 71%
Masochist 57%
Degradation 50%
Sadist 50%
Submissive 46%
Dominant 36%
Vanilla 36%

So yeah, there's that, then. :T

No, this isn't a rant on anything. It's a video! My cousins and I decided we wanted to try our hand at doing some Let's Play stuff. Recently, I was able to borrow a Roxio Game Cap and set it up with my Xbox, then I got one of my cousins to jump on a game with me. It's kind of rough I think for a first full video, but enjoy:



UGH, I just HATE hearing my voice. x_x

So me and a couple cousins (and possibly roping in other friends and family) wanna try messing around with our own Let's Play type of videos. I wanna start us out with doing some PC games, since we'd each need capture hardware to do console games. Thing is, I'm having a hard time finding decent video capture software that doesn't leave a glaring watermark on the footage. Anybody have any good suggestions? Other than FRAPS?

So I just had my second interview at Target this evening, and I got offered a job! Logistics-Flow, meaning I mostly deal with truck and stock, though I do some sales floor stuff. It's not Rooster Teeth, but at least it's something for now. I have to go back to Marshfield tomorrow for the drug test, since the place was closed by the time the interview was over. Then orientation is on June 3rd. In the meantime, I'm on the hunt to replace my dying car (which my dad and I finally got up and running for the moment at least). After all that, and after I've started working, I'm gonna start saving right away for an apartment there in Marshfield. Whew, I can finally start to relax again.

"It's one of life's greatest mysteries. Why ARE we here? Is it some cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a god, you know, with a plan for us and stuff? I dunno man, but it keeps me up at night."

"What? I meant why are we out here, in this canyon."

"Ohhh, yeah.."

"And what was all that stuff about god?"

"Huh? Nothing."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No."

---

ANYWAY. Pushing my last journal. I was actually gonna post some more rather depressing shit (partially in reference to something missing from my profile now....), but I actually have something exciting to share for once. So I just sent in a cover letter and my resume to ROOSTER TEETH. You know, the guys behind the awesome webseries Red vs Blue, and home to Achievement Hunter. Yeah, them. Apparently, they just opened a position for Video Podcast Producer. When I had worked in broadcast production, the things I did there were only really a few short steps away from the things that this RT job requires, so I decided to take a chance and apply. I know it's a hell of a shot in the dark, and would be a hell of a move should it happen (as RT is based in Austin, Texas), but ohgod, I'm so nervous, my hands are still shaking. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get the job (though I would be a little disappointed), but this is an incredible opportunity for me!

Just deciding to put down a haphazard train of thoughts down here, mostly disconnected from each other. You've been warned.

.: Effects of Being Home Again :.
Ugh, where to begin.. I feel like I'm rotting away here.. It's mostly my fault in the end, but that's not something I feel like getting into at the moment.. There's so much I need to be doing, but I can't bring myself to do it for some damn reason or another. I'm not about to make excuses for myself, but I can't help feeling having a severe lack of motivation and the mild onset of some damn depression or whatever really isn't helping my cause any. Really, I feel utterly defeated, being stuck here again. I want to get out of here, but I'm having so much trouble picking myself off the floor, and I don't know why.. Being here is slowly killing me from the inside out.. I feel so isolated.. I don't really have any of my own friends local to my hometown area anymore, and it really sucks.. In the long run, I just need out.. I need out of this god-forsaken state, with a job and my own place, and rebuild my social life from scratch, among other things..

.: Of Self and Gender :.
Loosely connected to the last subject, in that being home means that I basically have to suppress myself. I can't exactly be myself around my family, considering the way things are around here. Furry is the easy one. I don't necessarily get into furry stuff around other people unless I'm hanging with other furries anyway. Me being gay is a little more difficult. While things with that have gotten much better over the years (while not necessarily horrific or anything, that's a long story in and of itself), my dad still expects me to stay quiet about it. The thing that's the hardest for me right now is the more recent issue of my gender identity. Within the last year or so, I've started really looking into myself in regards to this. This whole thing is more of a subject for it's own journal or private discussion, but to shorten it up, for now I see myself more or less as genderqueer, and still wanting to continue to explore myself with this. However, that's something I'm actually rather scared to even hint at around this household, so that brings me at a complete standstill.. In short, it's basically like hiding behind a mold while Im here at home..

.: Non-Traditional Love and Relationships :.
This one isn't really depressing like the last two subjects, just me in deep thought, sort of. It's also things that I've been thinking about a fair amount over the last several years. Just to say it straight up right off the bat, I've grown to prefer an open relationship. That said, that doesn't mean I love the person I'm with any less. On the contrary, I love my mate Retsueto very much, and I wouldn't trade him for the world. I've just felt more and more that, as we both have close friends we care a great deal for, we should both be able to share our love with them. It's kind of hard to put my thoughts and feelings on all this into words, but really, I feel that an open relationship can flourish and grow, in that the love you share grows stronger as you bring it back together at the end of the day. As long as you're open, honest, and trusting with your partner, I don't see why you can't enjoy close times with a close friend, then share that with your partner, maybe even getting to try new things in the process. (Quick wrap-up point for this, with all that said, an open relationship doesn't give you the excuse to be a whore. :T Being open with good, close friends is one thing, but being open with everyone is an entirely different thing. Just pointing that out because I figure someone will probably bring it up.)

So an older cousin of mine ended up gifting me Dota 2 on Steam a little while back, and then just the other night, I suddenly got dropped some Dota 2's to gift myself. :T Anyone want a one for a trade or somethin'?

Just throwing this out there, are there any Star Trek furs who play STO at all? I've been getting back into it a lot again lately and seriously want more people to play with. D: I also have a Fleet going with a couple cousins and friends, and would love to expand on that.

In case anyone's interested then, my main character/handle is Slade@SladeDoobiedog. Currently sitting at Rear Admiral (43). Come play with meh! D8>

Holy shit, I'm so excited! I know there's really not much by way of actual gameplay footage yet, but still. I can't wait to hear/see more on this game! Bungie's back, baby!

http://jezebel.com/5969818/watch-th.....e-from-les-mis

Just watching that got me crying a bit, gonna be bawling through at least half the movie when I get a chance to see it. D: Totally can't wait for it, still. Wanna see it so BAD!

More SM64 mayhem! And such. Happy Halloween, by the way! :P

http://www.livestream.com/ideka?t=852823

EDIT: Ended tonight's run early, hitting 60 stars. :o

Alternatively titled, "GameStream: Now With Focus!" Gonna playing some good ol' SM64 for some streams here now. Doing short games probably wasn't a good focus for things, so I'm doin' something with a little more length. (Giggity.) So yeah! SM64 it is, also shooting for 120 stars, after going through the game proper. X3

http://www.livestream.com/ideka?t=185504

EDIT: Had a good run tonight, stay tuned for tomorrow. :o

Playing more games. Goin' N64 this time 'round.

http://www.livestream.com/ideka?t=936314

EDIT:
Powered through Star Fox 64, played some Super Smash Bros., and started on Super Mario 64. I think I'm gonna make getting all 120 stars the focus of the GameStreams for a while when I do 'em. :o

Because I hardly do much of anything on here these days, lol. Come watch me play some old games if you wanna.

http://www.livestream.com/ideka?t=429706

Playing Sonic 3 & Knuckles right now. Played some Kirby's Adventure earlier.

EDIT:
Aaaaand done. Completed Kirby and Sonic, and then failed miserably at Mega Man X. XD Might do another one of these tomorrow or somethin'.

Probably worth just an edit, but meh. I was actually just wondering, considering my last journal, here, if there are any tips anyone out there would have for me, starting out with such a thing? Anything would be helpful, I s'pose.. ^^;;;

So recently, someone I'm watching was asking around for pawsocks, kinda like this: http://www.iaza.com/work/120811C/ia.....8294945100.png Those look cool n' all, and I've kinda wanted some like that before, but somewhere in the comments, someone had thought of a different kind of pair of pawsocks, like these: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6405187/ I actually like the idea of those better, especially combined with the thought that I've been wanting paw slippers for the colder months anyway. |3 Thing is, while I'd like to commission someone for 'em, I suddenly got a small itch to try my hand at 'em myself. Unfortunately, I've never really done such a thing before, and either way, I can't afford to. Oh well.. v.v

Totally, utterly random, but hey. So, I've got one of my favorite Queen songs, "Under Pressure", stuck in my head again, which isn't a bad thing. But heck, last few times I've gotten it stuck in my head, I was like, "Y'know, it'd be fun to whip up an updated music video for it just for kicks." I think about it, but then it fades from my mind. This time though, I seriously got it stuck in my head now. :V Trying to find some good high quality downloadable clips I can use, but oddly enough for me, I'm not exactly where to look, even with a Google search. >_>

Basically, I'm looking for similar clips to the original video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTna_rOhkTU

And putting it to the remix from the last Greatest Hits album, here: http://www.youtube.com/watch/?v=ordd6o8g8-c

Also thinking of trying to see if I can find some protest vid to throw in there from all the different large protests that have gone on within the last couple years around the world.

I think it'd be a fun little personal project to work on, while fitting in a good little video message of the times. So yeah, if anyone would be able to help me collect some clips to use, I'd appreciate it. |3