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Posted 11 years agoSo this is mostly rambles... Warning it may be depressing... oh but I'm good at that kind of stuff. Seems I can't be myself anywhere...
I'm excited about VancouFur 2014. Smitten(Ailish) and I will be there as she won't let me not go. So you will see me about the hotel and at the dances...
I'm at a point where I want to hide from the world again. Having a child makes that hard to do. Don't get me wrong she is amazing and really the only thing in my life that I feel I've done right.
I feel disappointed and that I've let others down in some way, shape or form... I've been told more or less that I don't belong without actually having the words said out loud, but through actions and my do actions speak louder then words... words can be a slap in the face if said right and the last words from whom I thought was a friend were a slap in the face... made me feel and think I was a slut, Thanks btw if you know whom you are and if you might be reading this...
I can't seem to shake last year's bad luck off and that's not really the way I wanted to start this year... I will do everything I can to make this year better, but even though I believe it can be done there is always the nagging doubt that seems stronger with every day...
I'm needing some true friends that I can consider family and it's hard to find.
I think I'm done for now. This is my update... I may or may not update more often. Who knows.
I'm excited about VancouFur 2014. Smitten(Ailish) and I will be there as she won't let me not go. So you will see me about the hotel and at the dances...
I'm at a point where I want to hide from the world again. Having a child makes that hard to do. Don't get me wrong she is amazing and really the only thing in my life that I feel I've done right.
I feel disappointed and that I've let others down in some way, shape or form... I've been told more or less that I don't belong without actually having the words said out loud, but through actions and my do actions speak louder then words... words can be a slap in the face if said right and the last words from whom I thought was a friend were a slap in the face... made me feel and think I was a slut, Thanks btw if you know whom you are and if you might be reading this...
I can't seem to shake last year's bad luck off and that's not really the way I wanted to start this year... I will do everything I can to make this year better, but even though I believe it can be done there is always the nagging doubt that seems stronger with every day...
I'm needing some true friends that I can consider family and it's hard to find.
I think I'm done for now. This is my update... I may or may not update more often. Who knows.
Good to be back and in part time swing^_^
Posted 12 years agoI'm really glad to be back in the furry world. I forgot how much fun things are with furries... my regular friends aren't this much fun. :P Also glad to be doing another Journal and trying to keep up with the new stuffs.
BBQ at Torwin's last night was awesome. Gotta stop drinking so much though. I'm turning into a boozer.
I'm already planning for VancouFur 2014 and Howloween 2013.
I still need to get a ref sheet done, but trying to get the image out of my head and onto paper is the challenge at the moment. I will get er done eventually and I know a few artist that I would love to ask to make her come to life outside of my head.
I believe this is good so far... not to long and I hope not to short, but an update none the less. Back to reality for a while.
BBQ at Torwin's last night was awesome. Gotta stop drinking so much though. I'm turning into a boozer.
I'm already planning for VancouFur 2014 and Howloween 2013.
I still need to get a ref sheet done, but trying to get the image out of my head and onto paper is the challenge at the moment. I will get er done eventually and I know a few artist that I would love to ask to make her come to life outside of my head.
I believe this is good so far... not to long and I hope not to short, but an update none the less. Back to reality for a while.
Second Journal
Posted 12 years agoHi hi FA!!!! It's been a long while since I updated and or did anything on here.
I tend to like observing and being a watcher of things that happen and stay out of the lime light so to speak.
I thought it was high time to update my FA though and just ramble a bit.
A lot has happened since joining this community... lots of drama... others assuming things that may or may not be true... and just games period(which I dislike and tend to stay clear of if at all possible). I can be guilty of letting things get out of hand, but hey growing up helps you realise crap like that.
After the last fur meet that was held at the house out in Dunbar, near UBC in Vancouver I left or went into a hiding phase of my life... I with drew from a lot of things and the furry community. I was hurt and had trusted people I shouldn't have and well lets just say it was kinda high schoolish.
I also lost my way in life a few years ago... and with a kid that's not a good thing to do, Though she thought of it as an adventure, living with friends and family, couch surfing, I knew it wasn't and I had to get a stable rock under us some how... I believe I may have done some damage that may pop up later in her life... I wasn't the only one to hurt her at that point in time either. She became attached to an ex of mine and when things went south with him and myself she was torn in the process and that hurt me to see her heart ache. He had promised things and they never ended up happening... I've been semi cautious and slightly picky about whom I've let back into my life... I'm not good at finding a significant other that can tell the truth and be honest... I have tried, but I seem to believe lies, but I'm good at catching them fast and ending it before my daughter notices... I try to protect her as best as I can. It's hard when all she wants is to see the good in everyone and thing and love life and make friends everywhere, she gets attached easily and quickly, right from hello most times.
I can slightly remember the carefree days that she gets to experience now, but for me they are fading the longer this journey goes on and the more jaded life gets. I'm scared that I'll never be able to make her dream of having a family a reality and for me that dream is probably fading faster for me then her right now.
I'm an outsider to everything even when it looks like I'm fitting in somewhere something will happen to destroy that groove and throw me back out to loner land.
I don't push others away on purpose it just happens. I can be socially awkward and seem distant, but in all honesty I just need to be social and have a pack that I can trust.
I'm baring my soul over the net... Why I can't say it out loud I have no clue, but I'm more honest when I type things out at the moment... I'm scared of saying this stuff out loud and being rejected... as if by doing so it will makes a bigger hole then the one I'm already trying to keep a board over and keep things and my real self hidden. Even though my real self shows through more then most think.
Oh just so you know I am stable now... or as stable as a single parent can be dealing with some medical issues and raising a beautiful vibrant hyper child who is my life and helps me live more and more every day. She is my life and has been since she was just a whisper. My next child will make this life all the more bright, colourful and beautiful, but right now that child is a dream that has yet to be whispered.
I'm rambling more then I should, but I'm thinking that this gives some of my close friends a bit of a glimpse into my head and maybe some understanding about some things...
I think this is enough rambling and baring my soul for now... I'll try to make the next journal entry soon hopefully not years from now. :P
I tend to like observing and being a watcher of things that happen and stay out of the lime light so to speak.
I thought it was high time to update my FA though and just ramble a bit.
A lot has happened since joining this community... lots of drama... others assuming things that may or may not be true... and just games period(which I dislike and tend to stay clear of if at all possible). I can be guilty of letting things get out of hand, but hey growing up helps you realise crap like that.
After the last fur meet that was held at the house out in Dunbar, near UBC in Vancouver I left or went into a hiding phase of my life... I with drew from a lot of things and the furry community. I was hurt and had trusted people I shouldn't have and well lets just say it was kinda high schoolish.
I also lost my way in life a few years ago... and with a kid that's not a good thing to do, Though she thought of it as an adventure, living with friends and family, couch surfing, I knew it wasn't and I had to get a stable rock under us some how... I believe I may have done some damage that may pop up later in her life... I wasn't the only one to hurt her at that point in time either. She became attached to an ex of mine and when things went south with him and myself she was torn in the process and that hurt me to see her heart ache. He had promised things and they never ended up happening... I've been semi cautious and slightly picky about whom I've let back into my life... I'm not good at finding a significant other that can tell the truth and be honest... I have tried, but I seem to believe lies, but I'm good at catching them fast and ending it before my daughter notices... I try to protect her as best as I can. It's hard when all she wants is to see the good in everyone and thing and love life and make friends everywhere, she gets attached easily and quickly, right from hello most times.
I can slightly remember the carefree days that she gets to experience now, but for me they are fading the longer this journey goes on and the more jaded life gets. I'm scared that I'll never be able to make her dream of having a family a reality and for me that dream is probably fading faster for me then her right now.
I'm an outsider to everything even when it looks like I'm fitting in somewhere something will happen to destroy that groove and throw me back out to loner land.
I don't push others away on purpose it just happens. I can be socially awkward and seem distant, but in all honesty I just need to be social and have a pack that I can trust.
I'm baring my soul over the net... Why I can't say it out loud I have no clue, but I'm more honest when I type things out at the moment... I'm scared of saying this stuff out loud and being rejected... as if by doing so it will makes a bigger hole then the one I'm already trying to keep a board over and keep things and my real self hidden. Even though my real self shows through more then most think.
Oh just so you know I am stable now... or as stable as a single parent can be dealing with some medical issues and raising a beautiful vibrant hyper child who is my life and helps me live more and more every day. She is my life and has been since she was just a whisper. My next child will make this life all the more bright, colourful and beautiful, but right now that child is a dream that has yet to be whispered.
I'm rambling more then I should, but I'm thinking that this gives some of my close friends a bit of a glimpse into my head and maybe some understanding about some things...
I think this is enough rambling and baring my soul for now... I'll try to make the next journal entry soon hopefully not years from now. :P
First journal
Posted 15 years agoOMG ~sqwee~ First journal entry... what to put? I haz no clue guess it was a watse of time for everyone to read it teehee. I'm good at that right now... wasting time. :P Giving shouts out to all my furs! Missing everyone :heart: Wow I guess I should look at getting some art done of sniffum... maybe something to go in the little box so that I don't look like the paintcan with brushes anymore. Anyone have any ideas? Brain is blank on this end...
