I just got outta jail yesterday morning. It was cool, ya know, nice fluffy wrestling mat beds, 2 inch thick pillows, full room service, nice view through a triple barred foggy window overlooking a blacktop parking lot. Three days for a dirty UA on probation, which is bullshit. I took a VALIUM because I was having a panic attack and I couldn't breathe, but of course I don't have a prescription so my probation officer just thinks "No you just took it to get high you fucking junkie." Whatever, it was only 3 days, had some time to think I guess. Didn't get nearly as much thinking done as I wanted to but hey, what do you do? Anyways I haven't written anything on here for a while, might post a new short story sooner or later, dunno.

Happy fucking birthday Snow! Whatever, the last two weeks have been completely FUBAR, hopefully today won't turn out so bad. Goin' snowboarding at Powder Mountain, one of the biggest ski resorts in Utah, so that should be fun, I've never been there so I'm definitely looking forward to it. We'll get done and head home at about 4:30 in the afternoon, so I'm gonna take a nap afterwards. Anyone wanna give me some birthday sex after my nap? Maybe in the shower even? -.- That would actually make it a good day too, I haven't gotten laid in so damn long.

I really only have one thing to say about New Year's Eve: FUCK it. In all honesty I fucking DESPISE New Year's Eve. Every year my mom gets shit-faced drunk and she is not a nice person when she's drunk. She loves telling me how disappointed she is in me for being a 'freak' and how ashamed she is of HERSELF that she gave birth to someone like me. Awesome, I feel so loved, and now I'm sitting in my room trying to rack up enough credits on Halo: Reach to buy my blue visor. And for some reason it's becoming so fucking hard not to just burst into tears right now. I don't know what it is it's just getting so hard to even breathe, but I'm too stubborn to start 2011 with wet eyes. I just don't know what to do, I've gone 365 days without getting high or drunk, I'm not about to break that streak while I'm on probation. Everything just feels so wrong right now. I saw a quote the other day, I can't remember the beginning of it but it ends like "...the fear of humiliation is the only reason why I haven't tried killing myself." it kind of made me laugh because I've experienced that humiliation of failing to...end it, three times actually. I guess the only reason I personally am still alive now is because I realize there's always someone worse off than you, and the least I can do is push forward for that person, even if they never see it.