Yep, that again.

That's the big difference from before I left and now. I had some that I was on top of, but then my breaker box needed to be replaced and that's running me $3,000. It's not the worst, but it's a lot.

Otherwise, mostly same old life stuff. Just being a little soji, a hand held little human in the furry world. Not sure how much I'll be back here, but I like seeing you guys again.

Dusting off this account brings back so many things I had forgotten, so many people and so many activities. So much has happened, so much was lost. I regret deleting everything I ever posted here, some of those memories I can never get back.

I hope everyone has been doing well.

He was a friend, perhaps even more. I can't write anything profound because I hurt too bad. We would occasionally chat, casually flirt, and he was such a chill guy. He deserved so much better. I'm just... so lost between rage and depression. I hate this so much...

I'm seeing a lot of deleted comments on some of my recent pictures, I hope I didn't do anything to upset those people. I can't see who they were now...

Trying to do better about responding to comments on my art. Or the art I post I mean. I'm not very good at it, I'm shy.

Pros:
Smol
Cute
Loves pets
Emergency food source
Has magic
Loves co-op games
Comes back from the dead if accidentally killed

Cons:
Yips a lot
Weak
Dependent
Needy
Fragile
Depressed
Unconfident
Low self esteem
Picky
Needs constant reassurance

Kobold would buy girlfriend/boyfriend, but ran out of shinies

Sorry for that, I got lazy with my uploads. It's done now.

So yeah, the president gave me money and I'm pretty safe again. Forgot to mention it.

Me: I should get myself drawn all big and muscular!

Me, to me: Bitch, you have $1,314 in credit card debt, $8,031 in car debt, $24,350 in mortgage debt, and $28,884 in student loan debt. Sit down, eat your ramen, and shut up.

A lot of people want to see more of my minotaur. I do too, but ya gotta be patient unless ya wanna help me pay for new pics. I'll get more, I'm sure. He makes me feel better 💗

Oh wow, I didn't expect my short story to get such attention. I'll be sure to work on some more if I get the muse in~

I'm glad I'm still here, and that you are too. It feels real good to have you guys try to comfort me in your own ways. I needed it, and appreciate it a lot. So thanks. Much loves and smooches.

Honestly, I've met some of the best people around in this community. And I wouldn't want to lose or trade you guys for anything. Unfortunately I've also met one of the worst people in this community. Who strings me along, makes me think they like me, then waits until I'm at my most vulnerable state in desperate need for some kind of comfort before they strike at my heart again. They make it about them. They complain I'm not there for them when I'm in a near panic trying to take care of myself. And when I ask for space, that's it. They delete years of our chats together. Good times, bad times, talks and play, cherished memories, all gone. Right when I needed anything, I lost everything.

At least from them.
I don't think I can ever talk to them again. If I were ten years younger this might have driven me back into self-harm. I think I'll be okay this time, but it'll take time.

Sorry for this... depressing talk again, I don't have many places I can vent. And thank you guys for still being here.

2019

Just... tired. A lot. And pretty broke. I'm not going to beg for money again, that never works, but without it I simply can't afford to drop by as much as I used to. Maybe some day I'll be able to show you guys new stuff again. But hey, stay safe in the meantime~

Five years ago, I had a small tight circle of friends who I knew could help me get through anything, who would always be there when I needed them.

Today, I just lost the last one. I feel like I knew it was coming but... I haven't felt so alone and so much pain in years...

I wanted to be strong and send them off with a smile, but I had to choke back my tears and try so hard not to break down. I wanted to fight to hold on to what we had, but... I feel like if I did anything I might just break down on the spot...

I don't want to keep holding on to people if I'm dragging them down, I want them to succeed in life even if it means leaving me behind. But I just... don't know how much more I can take...

I don't want anyone to worry but I'm not strong enough to keep myself together. I want to rely on others but I'm too scared I'll lose everything again. I don't know what to do...

I'm just... so lost and confused... I don't see a future anymore. It's been getting darker and darker and now it's just gone. I don't want... to keep moving forward if I'm going to keep feeling like this...

I feel like... I don't have anyone to rely on... or I'm just too scared to do so... lost and alone... I'm scared... and I'm sorry... I might... need to disappear...

Alright, this has been on my mind for a while now. I'll try to keep it somewhat brief because I'm sure a lot of you see this kind of thing every day.

Regarding the furry community. I'm not sure I'm really feeling it anymore. Now don't get me wrong, it's filled to the brim with amazing and wonderful people, but what I'm talking about comes down to integration. In a sense.

At first, the community was a wonderful escape from the mundane, the cruelty, and the intolerance of reality. It was like a new home. But over the years it's been feeling more like "me and them" rather than "us."

Perhaps the community continues to evolve while I stay the same, I'm not sure. But more and more lately it seems as though I'm more a visitor than a resident. I've been considering shedding the fur for good.

But only my own. I would still remain where I am, just with a new sense of identity. I don't want to feel as though I'm forcing myself into something that I don't belong in. Nothing is definitive yet, but it's possible that I won't be taking up any more furry forms.

I'm not saying this for attention, just want people to have an understanding of where my mind is. So... yeah. That.

I recently got mail from the IRS. They're telling me about something I didn't do last year. Last year. And they waited until now to tell me. Now, that I have no money, a broken air conditioner, a car whose transmission needs work, and food is running out because all my money is going to bills. I'm so stressed that I'm getting stomach pains, my eyes burn from crying, and I can't even sleep. I need help, but can't ask for it. I need help, but I'm alone. I need help, because I can't do this much longer...

I hate hate HATE asking for money, everyone knows that by now. But I'm in severe danger lately, way in the red zone. I don't want to have to ask, but if any expenses come up during the next week I might have to...

Just... always so tired these days... I barely even check FA anymore...

Yep. I'm out of money. I know I love to help people out with funds when they need it, but... right now, I can barely afford food. I think I'll be okay, but... I'll be cutting it close for a while. Sorry.

I need to do better keeping people informed about me, I really do...

A couple days ago, starting on March 8th, I started getting severely sick. I'm talking thirteen vomits, feverish delusions, and constant diarrhea sick. I had to take two days off from work. I'm back at work now, but it's still too early. I need another day off but I need a doctor's note if I take off three or more days from work. But they don't pay me enough to go see a doctor.

My vomiting stopped the first day, the fever broke late second, and the diarrhea is... Still iffy. Mostly I'm badly dizzy, light headed, very weak, and nauseous. With hot and cold flashes thrown in. I'm gradually on the road to recovery though, I think.

So... that's the thing that's been happening. I guess.

I get emotional sometimes. Sorry for getting all depressed.

Can it be both?
Will people stop hurting me then?
Will they stop convincing others to hate me just because they are spiteful?
Because I won't let them harass me?
Because...
I just want to be loved half as much as I loved them...
Is that...
...bad?
I just wanted them to care...

It took literally months, but yesterday I finally closed on the Condo. So I guess it's mine now. Yay.