Just an update... feel free to ignore.

For the past few moths, I believe since November, my computer was having problems. It was just prior to Christmas when it truly failed on me. I knew it had a virus, and I was trying to fix it, but Murphy's law was in full effect. If you can't already guess, I got a new computer! Yay...

As for an update on my "stories," after rereading them a few times trying to remember where I was planning on taking them, I began removing paragraph after paragraph... They're practically bare now, so I may just put them on the back burner for now.

I will be starting my third quarter of college on the 10th. I'll be having a 3D modeling class and a storyboarding for animation class. Here's hoping I do something well enough to post it here! (I really need to submit something decent.)

I took a look at my last journal and I mentioned a few things I wanted to do by year's end. I'm dissapointed to say that I failed everything. I would like to try to accomplish something by this quarter's end, but if things keep working like they have been, I may not get it done. My hopes are that I can get my fursona defined at least in writing by then... I've always held dragons close to my heart, but as of recently, my dreams have begun to favor kangaroos and foxes... I am aware that there are a number of hybrids out there (and my mind always goes straight to everyone's favorite drasky, :Alkora:) and I might go in that direction... I wish I could get some help on this, but i am the only one who can decide this.

Up til now, my dreams have lead to my inspiration. And I had quite the inspirational dream. (one that I won't pursue, but I'll put it here anyway) My dream started off with meeting :dnapalmhead: in a diner of sorts. Something I've always wondered was if his power had limits. He was always growing to cosmic scales, but how big can he really get? Is the universe too small? I asked if he could "demonstrate." skipping the long growth sequence, he eventually grew out of this universe and into a parallel one, where he met himself. After a short conversation, they began a groth contest between the two. Dna growing against himself, you can only guess where that lead. My mind skipped ahead to hundreds of growing Dnas all claiming they were the biggest. And zoom out to one Dna that put all the others to shame. It ended with all the smaller dnas hugging the large one. But thinking back on it, I believe they would be huging a different part if he were telling the story. I do belive it would make a good comic, but I have no experience in making them and I still need to work on drawing heads. (I just cannot seem to draw heads!)

Well, I know I got a lot to work on, and I have to juggle that with school. Time to get my scalie butt in gear!

Ok, this is mainly to prove I'm not dead, I'm just busy with stuffs going on and such. Also, I needed something to replace the journal about my grandma dying. Plenty of time has passed and it's time to put that sad memory in the past where it belongs.

Well, one of the main reasons I haven't updated was that I had been thinking about going back to school. I picked a place and am now in summer school. I'm attending the Art Institute in Schaumburg. (which is nice 'cause it's just a 15 min drive) I was considering going into game art, but since they needed a portfolio, I chose media arts and animation. All I want to do is work in 3DS Max anyway...

So anyway, school is a pain, but then again, when is it ever exciting to do Gen Eds?

Well, for those who are watching me for my stories, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I'm working on a few ideas for more stories. They're still in the embryonic stage, but they are being worked on. I've considered making them into comics since I have so many visuals going through my head The bad news is what you'd expect; time constraints due to school.

Besides my stories, I do have a checklist I hope to accomplish by the end of my next quarter in school:

1.) Above all else, I would like to define my fursona. That means a reference sheet or something similar. Simple enough, and with my next quarter class being "life drawing," maybe I can get an idea how to draw body shapes...

2.) It would be nice to have an avatar... easy enough.

3.) A little more difficult, I would like to be known for something. Maybe it's my stories? Maybe I'll draw better down the road? Or maybe I'll make some animations? Kinda up to the public on that... so here's hoping for the best! =)

4.) Not a goal here, but definately a life goal: I want to make a game with my name on it somewhere. I was thinking of something similar to what  Rawr did a long time ago. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, Rawr used Game Maker to make a game for ozkangaroo. The game is a 2-D platformer about Oz inflating and trying to get balloons. It's simply named "Oz Game," and if you haven't played it, you should search for it!

I would love to make something like that and (hopefully) it will be picked up by a major company and turned into a popular game. Hey, one can dream, right?

Okay, enough rambling. I've wasted enough of your time. But thanks for lending me a part of your life that you'll never get back. X3

Well, I just got back from visiting my grandma in Virginia. I was able to see the extent of her stroke. It was BAD.

To paraphrase the situation: It all started when she fell down in my uncle's driveway (which is really steep). She fractured her skull, but she was able to get up and talk just fine. Then, new years eve morning, she had a stoke. The MRI showed that 2/3 of her brain was damaged and her right side is paralyzed. It affected her sleep center so she sleeps 99% of the time. The only good news is that she's not in pain. Unfortunately, she's not going to recover.

She was placed in hospice yesterday. For those who don't know; hospice is a place where those who are going to die are put and made as comfortable as possible while they wait to die. It basically means that she's on her death bed (almost literally).

She was sleeping soundly when we visited her. She didn't move much at all. It was painful to see her like that, even if she wasn't in pain. It made my throat clench tight to the point where I had trouble breathing. We all knew this wasn't what she wanted. My mom mentioned that she "had ordered a heart attack."

My parents told me I had to say goodbye. It was hard for me to do it. I really didn't want to. If I said goodbye to her as she is now, it would be forever stuck in my memory every time I remembered her. It would be impossible to remember how she was before the stroke. They wouldn't back down, saying I would regret it if I didn't do it.

Considering her condition, it's hard to tell if she can even comprehend what she hears. So in the end, I kissed her forehead and brushed her hair back.

There's nothing left to do but wait until she passes on. When she does, we'll head back to Virginia for the funeral.

It's hard for me to be next to her as she is now. If she knew what we were doing, grieving over her, she would have gotten really upset. I have to stay strong, for her sake. But one of the most difficult things to do is be strong when facing death.

I am just upset that this is how she's going to die...
I just hope I don't go the same way...

I just recently got word of my grandmother having a massive stroke. We don't really know how bad it is, but my parents are flying out to West Virginia tomorrow to go see her and report back to me and my sister. My sister and I will fly out there on Monday.

We're starting to think this might be it for her. I really hope this isn't how it ends for her... but there's nothing I can do but to see her one more time and tell her I love her. It's hard for me because I don't want to look weak in front of her, I want to be there to support her in case she pulls through.

I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but it's a painful life experience when a family member dies. I kind of feel like a random person on the news saying a family member dies. No one really cares, and if they do, it's only to a certain degree.

I guess I'm just a little more drepressed because I have nothing to say to her about me making it on my own in this world. I'm unemployed, living with my parents, and to be painfully honest, starting to become lazy. I'm hoping to become an animator for video games, but I need to get my foot in the door. And that's becoming more and more difficult. I'm even having problems getting a temporary job, mainly due to not having a dedicated car, but regardless, my life is beginning a downward spiral.

It's going to be harder to get motivated to do something now that this is happening, but maybe the thought of death and having not accomplished anything will push me to do something that will get me remembered, even for a short while. I may have to go back to school to get a general degree, but I have to do SOMETHING until I get into my dream career.

Not that anyone cares, or reads this stuff anyway, but I need to at least speak my mind, regardless of who may/may not hear it.

Mainly I have been busy on the job search. I've put my applications out there and have been looking feverishly to get a job in the game industry as an animator. God forbid I go back into food service. That was one time too many.

For those expecting the continuation of "Too Tubby Tiger," I'm afraid I'm not able to do much on it anymore. I've been too busy and have had no inspiration of what to write. I appologise, mostly because I was just beginning to write the good stuff... Sorry!

Also, I bet many have experienced this before, but I have been hit with the kiss of death. And no, I did not lose a family pet or a family member; I'm talking about those blasted three red lights on the Xbox. As a gamer, it literally fills me with rage and sadness. The only good thing is I can spend some time with Mario & Luigi: Bowser's inside story, but the thought of losing an ENTIRE CONSOLE (plus the fact that one the exact day it red ringed I got a new game just to find out my Xbox died in my sleep), really made a part of me die inside. It's long over warranty and I'm afraid of what I might do to it's guts if I take it apart. It's been experienced before, so I don't have to go any further into detail than that. (dammit)

And what really gets to me is that every time I get onto FA, I'm reminded of the fact that I haven't even defined my fursona yet. No reference sheet, no bio, no nothing. I feel more like a stalker than a furry... (err, scalie) I'm disappointed in myself.

All in all, I haven't been feeling all to well. I'm healthy, but I'm not exactly happy. If anyone reads this, (and I thank you for that by the way) and is going to Midwest Furfest, please, PLEASE, talk to me. I could use some encouragement. (and some friends...)

I had to put this somewhere. I think this is just becoming my virtual diary or something because I know no one reads these. (mine, not other furs')

So I have been procrastinating on putting my reel together and sending it to career services so they can go send applications out to employers for me. I graduated at the end of May, and I haven't got anywhere on it. My dad is starting to get on my case about it too.

I guess I'm just afraid of getting a job and not having time to play video games or go airsofting or draw/write furry stuff. I feel like I'm not mentally the same age as my body. I'm 22 but I feel like I'm mentally 12 or so. I would give almost anything to just lay in bed and dream.

I think I have Van Wilder disease: I'm living too much in the now and I'm worried about the future. It's this fear and guilt that keeps me awake the past few nights. I haven't had an inspiring dream since I left school. My dreams are now harder to remember and less and less fluid. They just don't flow together like they used to . I'm sure it's due to my troubled mind.

I just want to be a kid... forever. I will never let my mind completely grow up. I have to keep that part of me alive.I just hope that getting a job and moving out won't change my lifestyle drastically like I'm afraid it will. Maybe getting my reel put together and heading to Midwest Furfest will calm me down a bit...

Here's hoping for the best for the future...

I have this strange urge to rant about how my life has become what it is, even if no one reads it...

The biggest event that shaped my life and personality was in elementary school. I had about seven or so friends in my neighborhood that I had good relationships with. But one by one, they moved away and I have not heard from them since.

At that age, it was a major blow to my psyche. I became depressed and a hermit. I stayed in the basement and played my NES. This was my way of coping. It was an escape, some alternate reality that I could imerse myself into. At the time, it was the only thing that brought me happiness, but it didn't save me...

My parents took me to a psychiatrist and I got put on pills. They didn't do anything for me. I had thought of why I should continue living. (Looking back, I truly regret those thoughts) I remember being in the kitchen, next to the knife drawer, thinking how I could make it as painless as possible. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid. I went to my room to contemplate my options.

I layed in bed, and my mind wandered. I thought of video games and the fantasies possible in them. I dreamt of anything that could get me away from the pain. That's when it came to me. I dreamt of dragons.

I had seen pictures and sculptures of dragons before, but in my dream, it seemed as though I could relate to them. In fairy tales, dragons were always the bad ones, but after that dream, I thought of the dragon's perspective. I compared dragons to humans.

There are good humans and bad humans. Why can't there be good dragons? Maybe they stayed away from humans or something. There were tales of dragons where they spoke and were intelligent. This made me question the whole "dragon-slaying hero" thing. Everyone has a story, and humans tend to have stories where "we" always come out on top. Think I'm wrong? Watch a movie. 99% of movies have a happy ending. Case closed, moving on.

The thought of dragons gave me hope. They still do. I wasn't sure if they still exist somewhere in hiding, but I owed them my life. I researched them when I wasn't working on schoolwork or was escaping reality in video games. I learned much from one book called "Dancing with Dragons." It had rituals to summon dragons, but I never went that far. Probably because I was scared. It was because of them that I am alive today; I can't just call apon them to thank one of them.

Dragons were (and maybe still are by some) misunderstood. I found somethings in common with them. I believe that's when the scalie in me was born. Although it had no real shape or form yet, this was the catylist that created my fursona.

Fast forward to junior year of high school. I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I really only had two interests: Dragons and video games. And as far as I could tell, you can't get a job in Dragons. I don't think...

So I went to my only other interest: Video games. But when I got out of school, I didn't know where to go. I spent two years at Northern Illinois University, thinking out where to transfer. I got a letter in the mail about a new media arts school in Chicago. I left NIU and enrolled in the inaugural class of (school name omitted). They aren't accreditted yet, so I won't be getting a diploma, just a certificate of graduation. But hey, it's the first class ever. How many can say they experienced the same?

Today: I am nearing graduation at the end of May. I found a niche in game animation and am currently putting together my resume and reel. Nearly one year after getting the courage to put myself out here on FA, I am placing a sort of memoir of my life so far on the interwebs for almost no one to see.

But I chronicled my thoughts here, and I don't care if anyone reads it. If anyone does read this, well, I hope you were entertained or something, and I appreciate your time.

Yeah, I just beat Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New world.


And I did so when I should have been working on two big projects and other small homework. I did so in just less than 50 hours. And I wasn't trying to complete it quickly, either.

I just hope my grades don't suffer for it...



And if anyone's reading this, I really appreciate that you'd consider reading through my rants and such.

I oughta do more art but I'm too darn distracted with some games that I can't focus on art for more than ten minutes max. I've been playing Spore, Disgaea DS, and Brawling guys on the forums. The whole time, in the back of my mind, I know and keep telling myself, "HEY! You should be working on some art! You still haven't finished your fursona, idiot!"

I need to start, I want to start, but I just can't focus. I have to finish my fursona soon so I can get started on the idea I had for Hypr. I didn't forget. I just haven't been forcing myself to draw.

I think what might be partially causing my procrastination is that my scanner still won't scan. It only recognizes it as a plug-and-play printer. I've been working on that and seem to drift off. *sigh*

Or maybe it's my classes. In my focus art class, I have to do one drawing from life every day (excluding weekends) Which may ruin the experience when I want to draw something that I want to draw. Those assignments always make me feel like I've drawn enough for the day.

All this, and then I found out recently that Team Fortress 2 doesn't have a monthly memborship fee to it which was the reason I never installed it when I bought the Orange Box. (the cake is NOT a lie, it's just a total B*TCH to find) So for the past two days I've been on TF2 with my current roommate.

Distractions, distractions... Why can't it be winter break already?

Okay, I have been away from the internet since FA got back and I had returned from a "family reunion" from the 4th when FA went down so I have been going through a little withdrawl.

I appologize to anyone expecting anything from me. (not many if that...) But with the month I had to draw or to write, I didn't. Partially due to the fact that I went to my uncle's lakehouse twice, of which I have just returned from the second one.

I had bought two games while down in Greensburg IN, both for PC since I don't own a 360: Tom Clancy's Rainbow 6 Vegas 2, and Mass Effect. Both aren't working right. I think I have the minimum requirements. Vegas 2 works only on terrorist hunt at the Killhouse, no story or other terrorist hunt scenarioes. Mass Effect won't start at all. In both cases, the computer freezes. At least in Vegas 2 it will auto reboot. I'm gonna try calling in about Mass Effect and also see if I missed a patch for Vegas 2.

All in all, I haven't been dreaming like I usually do, so my inspiration seems to have left. Last night was okay, but it didn't give me anything to go on for new material. Thinking of ending my InflationStation stories since it's not going anywhere anymore. I have something, but it's akward and ends abruptly so I doubt I'll post it.

I got a good size plastic Yoshi from the mall in Streamwood, which I'm proud of. I really hope that it inspires something for me. I got a great story about Yoshis, but I wrote it like a screenplay in case I learned Flash or asked if someone could animate it. Maybe I go more into detail on it...

Until my inspiration returns, I'll be lurking through the art and forums. Maybe playing some Brawl with those on the Forums. There are some good people out there! In case you care:
My Wii #: 1704 8871 8102 8879
My Brawl code: 3652 0212 8757
When I'm on: Never at the same time, mail me from the Wii messages and I can answer quickly. I love how it glows when I get mail!

Until we speak again, farewell my furry friends and everyone else...

I'm back from blast camp and have a bit of news. O.K. I'll try to go chronologically. The past few weeks I have been waking up with migraines, making it hard to be motivated to do some art. Well, while airsofting, I slipped indoors on some mud and hit the back of my head. I'm fine, otherwise I wouldn't be typing this. But every morning since, I haven't been getting migraines. I don't know if it's related or not, but I feel fine now, so that's good.

Also, my dad went into the hospital for some triple bypass surgery. He's feeling great now, but it turns out he's diabetic. And checking my family history, there have been a number of heart problems and issues, so I'm next in line. I know my life is going to change, but I'm still going to live my life as best I can.

I'm trying to work on my story and my art, but there has been a lot going on, so anyone expecting something from me should be patient. (like anyone's life will be crushed to know I'm not doing art...) I hope to be working hard after I get back from my uncle's lakehouse for a family gathering for the 4th.

I know not many are reading this, but I think I'll be taking a few requests. I need the practice but those who ask should expect traditional drawn art, maybe with colored pencil.

Anyway, I play Brawl often and seek players wanting challenges or just a casual game. My Brawl # and Wii # are on the forums. If you want a game, mail me from the Wii message board on the main screen. I am connected to wifi almost 24/7 so I should see the Wii flash blue when I get your mail. I'll be on shortly after I recieve it.

And to any who are still reading, thank you.