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State of the Yeen 2
General | Posted 3 weeks agoThis Journal is a mild continuation of my previous journal plus more of Comms and Loneliness/ Friendships
-Commissions:
Since my last journal, I've skimmed over my past experience with commissioning in the fandom. A particular artist I've commissioned in the past was the worst. They've taken over $1,000 in comms to go to cons and fund other things. I used to call them a friend and suddenly stopped due to their behavior. Besides the narcissism, they never finished owed work to their customers and friends. The artist in question did 2D and 3D commissions. They originally owed me a comm when I first met them around early 2023. I waited about 1.9 years for the pic and I only received it because I told them in a discord call about how it's almost been 2 years. They finished it but it left a bad taste in my mouth. I supported them 2 more times and that made me realize "what's the point". They were constantly in discord playing games, talking to AI chat-bots, and prioritizing their own personal artwork. Sitting their knowing that they created a server of over 20 people who've been waiting for who knows how long for artwork they paid for mentally broke me. I wanted to end the friendship but I did it the worst way possible. I got blackout drunk and ranted in a world that they were an awful artist. Not my proudest moment. During that I outburst I saw their friend join and I double downed with insults. Of course they told them and rather than the artist confront me, they just kept silent about it. Until I request my refund is when they retaliated which is fair but it only proves that the friendship was superficial and only about the money. Regardless, I understand that they never want to speak to me again but I'm truly upset with their behavior. Always complaining about people being angry at them suddenly, never trusting commissioners on vrchat, and other complaints. They never realize that it's their behavior that turns people away. And what upsets me more is the fact that people console them and they repeat everything again. I'm disappointed that people "forgive him" in hopes of befriending them to maybe get free art.
Every person you see on my "Current Comms in progress" I've waited over 3 years for these commissions. Every time I ask them the status they make the same excuses of "sorry" and other things. Never finishing what's owed and moving on to new commissions. I'm disappointed that this has become so common in the fandom. It discourages people to stop participating. I'm almost at that point ngl. I'm not giving up yet but every interaction like this makes me become more "cliquish". Giving people the benefit of doubt is harder for me.
-Loneliness/ Friendships in the fandom(this will be a messy section cause I didn't spend time like the one above):
After the pandemic, I feel like maintaining friendships seem so much rarer now. I'm guilty of this too due to work. I see friends/acquaintances only reach out to me when I upload artwork. Rarely on discord, telegram, or vrchat. Me reaching out may not result in them responding too. I know people are busier than ever with life due to responsibilities but it hurts me when people say that "we're friends" but never back it up with any friend-building activities. Talking in telegram, playing games, etc are some of those activities. Not interacting for months/years can degrade a friendship for me to the point where I will view the friendship as lost.
It hurts me to say this but there were times in vrc where I'm hanging out with people yet I still feel invisible and lonely. Like I'm not held as an equal friend. It's brought me to tears while I'm around others and I mute my microphone so no one can hear me sob. To stop the friendship decay I try reaching out to people I haven't seen in a while by requesting an invite and I receive no message or rejection. The equivalent of being left on read and it stings. I've cried to myself in other games as well. Playing coop games only to be left alone, not in a voice call feels so depressing. It's the worst feeling ever.The most important rule of any friendship is clear communication. I'd rather be told we're no longer friends than be pulled along as if nothing is wrong.
If you feel like I've ghosted you or done this to you please respond below or DM me. I hate being a hypocrite so I'd rather be called out so I can rectify my actions. I'd prefer closure even if we're no longer friends.
PS, there's a lot I'm missing here. I'm just too anxious and depressed to go even further. May keep this up, may not.
-Commissions:
Since my last journal, I've skimmed over my past experience with commissioning in the fandom. A particular artist I've commissioned in the past was the worst. They've taken over $1,000 in comms to go to cons and fund other things. I used to call them a friend and suddenly stopped due to their behavior. Besides the narcissism, they never finished owed work to their customers and friends. The artist in question did 2D and 3D commissions. They originally owed me a comm when I first met them around early 2023. I waited about 1.9 years for the pic and I only received it because I told them in a discord call about how it's almost been 2 years. They finished it but it left a bad taste in my mouth. I supported them 2 more times and that made me realize "what's the point". They were constantly in discord playing games, talking to AI chat-bots, and prioritizing their own personal artwork. Sitting their knowing that they created a server of over 20 people who've been waiting for who knows how long for artwork they paid for mentally broke me. I wanted to end the friendship but I did it the worst way possible. I got blackout drunk and ranted in a world that they were an awful artist. Not my proudest moment. During that I outburst I saw their friend join and I double downed with insults. Of course they told them and rather than the artist confront me, they just kept silent about it. Until I request my refund is when they retaliated which is fair but it only proves that the friendship was superficial and only about the money. Regardless, I understand that they never want to speak to me again but I'm truly upset with their behavior. Always complaining about people being angry at them suddenly, never trusting commissioners on vrchat, and other complaints. They never realize that it's their behavior that turns people away. And what upsets me more is the fact that people console them and they repeat everything again. I'm disappointed that people "forgive him" in hopes of befriending them to maybe get free art.
Every person you see on my "Current Comms in progress" I've waited over 3 years for these commissions. Every time I ask them the status they make the same excuses of "sorry" and other things. Never finishing what's owed and moving on to new commissions. I'm disappointed that this has become so common in the fandom. It discourages people to stop participating. I'm almost at that point ngl. I'm not giving up yet but every interaction like this makes me become more "cliquish". Giving people the benefit of doubt is harder for me.
-Loneliness/ Friendships in the fandom(this will be a messy section cause I didn't spend time like the one above):
After the pandemic, I feel like maintaining friendships seem so much rarer now. I'm guilty of this too due to work. I see friends/acquaintances only reach out to me when I upload artwork. Rarely on discord, telegram, or vrchat. Me reaching out may not result in them responding too. I know people are busier than ever with life due to responsibilities but it hurts me when people say that "we're friends" but never back it up with any friend-building activities. Talking in telegram, playing games, etc are some of those activities. Not interacting for months/years can degrade a friendship for me to the point where I will view the friendship as lost.
It hurts me to say this but there were times in vrc where I'm hanging out with people yet I still feel invisible and lonely. Like I'm not held as an equal friend. It's brought me to tears while I'm around others and I mute my microphone so no one can hear me sob. To stop the friendship decay I try reaching out to people I haven't seen in a while by requesting an invite and I receive no message or rejection. The equivalent of being left on read and it stings. I've cried to myself in other games as well. Playing coop games only to be left alone, not in a voice call feels so depressing. It's the worst feeling ever.The most important rule of any friendship is clear communication. I'd rather be told we're no longer friends than be pulled along as if nothing is wrong.
If you feel like I've ghosted you or done this to you please respond below or DM me. I hate being a hypocrite so I'd rather be called out so I can rectify my actions. I'd prefer closure even if we're no longer friends.
PS, there's a lot I'm missing here. I'm just too anxious and depressed to go even further. May keep this up, may not.
State of the Yeen(Life update)
General | Posted 9 months agoHowdy,
I'm not usually one to talk about myself in journals but I feel it's time to say something. Forgive me for this scattered rant.
For people who've met me in discord or vrchat you might've noticed I stopped showing up. The main reason for that is from my anxiety. For whatever reason I get a feeling of inadequacy and that I'm not valuable enough to be around others. At first it's small but it reaches a boiling point. So I start showing up less and less until I'm just gone. It's happened far too many times than I'd like to admit. People I've flown across country to visit I would likely not talk to again online.
Even in DMs, I would love to chat with people. Over time the same negative feeling hit and my anxiety worsened to the point where I would feel like a burden and recluse again and again.
To some this might seem strange of me. I've been called an extrovert before because I can talk with people. My goofy behavior both online and in person made it seem like I was alright, but I very much wasn't. My closest friends and coworkers knew me to the point where they could tell it was my off days. Even at my old job I was given a longer break because of how troubled I looked haha.
Now that it's 2025, I've been at this new job for almost 2 years and I can most certainly say that I am worse off mentally. The feeling of losing a lot of friends has me in anguish and I can only watch as there's little I can do. My shift doesn't align with the average workday so I can't talk to others in a meaningful way. Vrchat has its challenges because you can meet great people and then become estranged weeks later. That's the main reason I haven't been around the last month. Feeling neglected. And what did I do to pass the time? Work ... A terrible idea in the end. So much overtime has made me drained and as I'm nearing the end of my hiatus I'm kinda nervous to return.
To conclude, my life has unfortunately become work and sleep. Womp womp. But I'll still be the same fat ass/goofy gnoll that everyone sees. Cause at the end of the day, being depressed and alone doesn't help so I'll try to improve myself.
Peace
I'm not usually one to talk about myself in journals but I feel it's time to say something. Forgive me for this scattered rant.
For people who've met me in discord or vrchat you might've noticed I stopped showing up. The main reason for that is from my anxiety. For whatever reason I get a feeling of inadequacy and that I'm not valuable enough to be around others. At first it's small but it reaches a boiling point. So I start showing up less and less until I'm just gone. It's happened far too many times than I'd like to admit. People I've flown across country to visit I would likely not talk to again online.
Even in DMs, I would love to chat with people. Over time the same negative feeling hit and my anxiety worsened to the point where I would feel like a burden and recluse again and again.
To some this might seem strange of me. I've been called an extrovert before because I can talk with people. My goofy behavior both online and in person made it seem like I was alright, but I very much wasn't. My closest friends and coworkers knew me to the point where they could tell it was my off days. Even at my old job I was given a longer break because of how troubled I looked haha.
Now that it's 2025, I've been at this new job for almost 2 years and I can most certainly say that I am worse off mentally. The feeling of losing a lot of friends has me in anguish and I can only watch as there's little I can do. My shift doesn't align with the average workday so I can't talk to others in a meaningful way. Vrchat has its challenges because you can meet great people and then become estranged weeks later. That's the main reason I haven't been around the last month. Feeling neglected. And what did I do to pass the time? Work ... A terrible idea in the end. So much overtime has made me drained and as I'm nearing the end of my hiatus I'm kinda nervous to return.
To conclude, my life has unfortunately become work and sleep. Womp womp. But I'll still be the same fat ass/goofy gnoll that everyone sees. Cause at the end of the day, being depressed and alone doesn't help so I'll try to improve myself.
Peace
