So okay, the scrap page is for "unfinished" or "unpolished" work.
I'm going to be posting rough sketches in my main gallery, because they are finished.
They are exactly what I set out to create.
Rough sketches.
They're as polished and finished as any other rough sketch that might never be completed.
So that's what I will put on my artistic license here.

I hope some folks might enjoy these sketches.
So I need to make them visible.
I'll try to organize my gallery folders for those that want to see work that's further along than that.
But I kind of like the saying that art is never finished.

I think it's easier to capture a clear image of the things I see with a camera, and the things in my imagination, by hand.
It can be hard to capture thoughts that change as quickly as mine tend to.
But the more I do this, the more they solidify into something more real.
I suppose that's why I like rough sketches -because I can see the art of creation then.
The process, of sorts;
A step along the way.
Maybe there will be more, maybe there will not.

I don't think perfect is really a thing art can be.
It is what it is.
Maybe some folks see an image, and think there should be more, or have ideas on how to change it.
I suppose sometimes, I can be happy with a sketch just the way it is.
That is not to say I do not wish to improve - I intend to do that always.
But I'm not going to get much practice by trying to perfect every single line of art I attempt.

Maybe that's an integral feature in art - the involvement of an imperfect creative influence.
Otherwise, I think it seems more like math.
I think math can be beautiful too, though.
For example, as a part of music - Carefully measured tones, timing, and volume, all in a pattern, with a creative flair.
Maybe that's why I like EDM so much - because I like math.
I find the creation of an electronic tone fascinatingly mathematical.
There's something pretty to me about a uniform wave-form, and a precision pattern that can sound so... energetic.
Heck, I find it pretty incredible audio math can evoke an emotional response.

But I digress.

It's a challenge, drawing something from my imagination, as it requires that I make real something is not, yet.
So even if it's a rough sketch full of imperfections...
It's something more than there was before.

...so yes, that's why I'm gonna put scraps in my main gallery: so people can see!

Alright, well, there's a whole lot of garbage that happened, but then some good stuff too!
I'm done with the garbage now, no more of that crap!

I'm going to post more art. Sketches for now.

I've got my fursuit supplies unpacked, so that'll be a thing too.

I'll be going to Furlandia at the end of May! It's in Portland!
Anyone else going? Would be good to see some friends!

How completely absurd

This is not what I signed up for

Brace yourselves, it's going to get dicey.

Good luck my friends <3 You know who you are, and I love you all, no matter how long it has been since we spoke last.

Stay strong. I'm going to keep on going, nothing's stopped me yet!

Never give up, never surrender.

Well, that was... an "interesting" series of events recently.
It was a hell of a struggle, and there were a lot of bumps along the way, and a lot of pain.
But there were little sparks of hope too.
Maybe it wasn't enough to make me feel hopeful, but it was enough to keep me going, because I knew it was there, even if I didn't feel it.
Feelings can be pretty deceptive. More so for some people, I think - myself included.

It's been a long trip, and has taken me some time to get my head to stop spinning, but I made it.
I've got my own place now.
A little two bedroom apartment.
First time in my life I've had more than a single room to myself (bathroom doesn't count!)
Now I've got -four- rooms, and a bathroom!
I'm still trying to think of how to use the space.
Still getting used to it, too.
But it's nice.

Things aren't perfect, sure, but they're a lot better.
And I'm going to make sure they continue to improve.

As always, it is my friends that kept me going.
That there are those that care for me - that's where those little sparks of hope came from.

Drawing again too! I've gotten a bit rusty, but that'll clear up with time!
I just need to shake myself awake.
It's been a long time since I've been able to really take a moment to catch my breath, as it were.
I'm starting to see more clearly now.
I'd like to see where I can go with that~

I think I've spent too many years smiling when I wanted to be crying or screaming.
Sort of like working in customer service. All the time. With no breaks.

I've muffled my laughter so as not to disturb others, I've kept my voice down so much I've forgotten what it really sounds like.
When I try to speak up, or add any volume to my voice, it comes out strained, it hurts my throat, and I realize for how many years I've choked it down so I wouldn't impose on anyone.

I've repressed a lot of emotion, and I've remained silent when I wanted to speak up.

How desperately I try to hide it when it all finally starts to catch up with me.

But that's what got me to the state I'm in, didn't it?
I'm not sure if I'm laughing, crying, or both.
I don't know what emotion it is I feel when this happens.
All I know is that I am afraid people will think I'm psychotic.

More fear.

Maybe strangers won't talk to me anymore, so it's not all bad.

I'm going to keep trying to let go, it's not easy to just stop hiding when it's become reflexive.
Laugh or cry, or whatever the hell happens when I stop repressing everything.

I've spent the majority life moving out of the way for other people.
That's not courtesy, it's shame.
It's not being polite, it's treating someone like they have no value or don't matter - me.

So... what have I got to lose?
Real friends like me for who I am.
Superficial ones need to get lost.
And the rest of the world that doesn't like the odd can just leave me alone, because that's the way I prefer it.
All the rest, well, we have something in common, and I'm going to try to stop hiding that.

Anyway, I don't think I would actually like anyone that was bothered by my feeble attempts to express myself sincerely.
I'm an introvert and I don't like talking to strangers or filling up my contact book with people I only make small talk with.
So maybe if I didn't repress everything me, I wouldn't have to waste so much time with people that make me feel bad about being the way I am.

If someone doesn't like me for who I am? GOOD!
They can avoid me. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like them either, so it saves me from having to do that myself.

My name is Spiffy. I like to consider myself a fox, figuratively.
I like dressing up as a silly dog to play silly games, and make people smile.

I'm going to do that at Anthrocon at the end of the month.

What comes after, we'll play by ear (that's part of why they're so big.)

I've been relying on the generosity of my friends to keep me from living in my van for the past couple months. I've been met with so much kindness and help from them, I cannot thank them enough - and I try to limit the time I stay. I do not want to take advantage of the kindness of those who would help me, so I'm just sort of drifting at the moment, uprooted.

Typical day for me now is call the apartments that are 'first come, first serve' to see if there is an opening.
Once in the morning, once in the evening.
Hear "No, sorry, nothing yet," both times.
Look for backup plans.
Find rentals that take section 8, but have year long waiting lists or worse.
Apply anyway, despite the fact my voucher will have expired by then.
Find rentals that are available, but don't take section 8. Can't afford them.
Do this until I burnout on rejection, then try to keep my composure until the next day.
Repeat for 5 months.

But some days, like today, I'll get a spark of hope.
A while back one of the places I call every day finally had an opening.
A three bedroom that was within my price range.
I was elated, and scrambled to get all my paperwork together, only to be told, essentially:
We can't rent this to you because you're a family of one.
...
Great way to be reminded of that.

Today, since my options are running out, I recalled a couple days ago one of the places I call daily had a unit for rent set aside for the homeless.
They said it was for people without section 8 when I asked about it, so I couldn't use my voucher for it.
I called them today, because I will be homeless if I can't find something by the time my voucher expires.
May as well have some sort of backup plan, right?
I talked to them about the details, and find out that not only would I qualify for this unit, but they also do take the section 8 voucher for it.
It was a three bedroom- BUT, I would qualify for this one!
Actually, no, they rented it out already.
...
I sort of wonder if it's a bad idea to get my hopes up about much of anything.

I've been waiting since February for this to be over with.
For something to work out.
I'm still waiting, and I'm tired.

It's really hard to focus.
I feel socially drained, so I can't really think of much of anything to say to anyone.
I'm trying to distract myself so I don't start to ruminate.
Trying to manage the stress.
Drawing leaves too much brain power for ruminating.
All my sewing and craft stuff is packed up in boxes.
I just write to try and manage my emotions.
Nothing I'd like to post, though.

I won't give up.
I'm desperately clinging to some sort of hope that maybe something will work out.
It's just hard to believe that some days.

Well, I've got enough focus to write a bit now.
Went to Fur The More this weekend, furry con in Northern Virginia, and had a blast!
There was so much that went on, and so many highlights, I can't really keep track of what happened when.

I'm pretty sure I spent a minimum of 5 hours every day I was at the con, in suit.
It's just so much fun! https://twitter.com/SpiffyFox/statu.....44209129684992

So one panel I was happy to attend was the 'Made it Myself' panel for those who made their own fursuits!
Which was a supercool opportunity.
Got a group picture, and everyone got to talk about tips and tricks they've picked up along the way! Tons of fun, and learned some things!
Group pic here: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?.....519&type=3

But my favourite highlight has gotta be the Chimera Challenge.
Two hours to build a fursuit out of scraps and hot glue.
Got to work on one this time with 5 of my bestest friends, and making that ridiculously silly creature we did was really something else X3
It was chaotic and crazy to start... and it did kinda stay chaotic and crazy, but once we started working, it was a real team effort. Everyone working on different parts. We'd bounce around ideas, refine them, figure out who was doing what part, and then put it together. Was really cool to work with that kind of synergy, and the results were hilariously wonderful XD
We created the monster we called Snu-Snu, the rainbow angel dragon.
Why this came to be is beyond me. But it was incredible.
https://twitter.com/SpiffyFox/statu.....02381603852288

I was pretty happy with the outcome. The judging was the next day, but building that with my friends was victory enough for me. It was still fun to see all the designs everyone came up with at the line up.
Though I did not expect that winner.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRAnTCRTx7Q

Well, I think I found part of the reason for my burnout is being a little too much of a focus on perfectionism, and keeping up with everything, like, everything everything, and helping friends, and being nice and pleasant all the time to people I don't even like, and not speaking my mind or speaking up at all when I really should be.

There's such a thing as too nice.
I think I do that a lot.
Wanna help everyone and make everyone feel better, and happy, and fix all the problems and make the world a better place, and ohshit there I go, I've just worked myself into an emotional coma. Oops.
Doesn't work out so well.

I can't keep up, really. I mean goodness knows I try time and again, but then I start trying to catch up, and I get buried under an avalanche of things I haven't finished or done, or should be doing, or feel like I should be doing, and I make myself a bit crazy by putting ridiculous expectations on myself.

And when you try to take on more than you can handle... you know, bite off more than you can chew... you just flail around for a bit, and choke, and die.
Well, okay, maybe not die, but you don't get a bloody thing done when you're trying to move an entire mountain at once, rather than stone by stone.

Metaphors aside, I need to learn how to pace myself and focus on one thing at a time.
Multi-tasking is all well and good if you actually make progress... but if it's just a drop of water from several different leaks in your sanity boat...
I dunno how to explain it without metaphor.

How could I possibly talk to every single one of my friends as much as I'd like to, go through each and every piece of art from artists I admire, keep up with my own art, be there to support my friends when they need me, build a fursuit, make a living, learn to sing and dance, get outside and enjoy the wilderness, and still have enough time to breathe?
I can't.

That kinda sucks, but I can't.
If I keep trying to do it all at once, I'll never do any of it.

So where's that leave me? How do I decide what's more worth doing than any other thing?
No freakin' clue.

But I have to try and keep myself focused. That means some of the things I want to do are going to be left undone.
If I'm making progress in one thing, it means I'm not doing so in the others.
And especially when it comes to my friends, I can't prioritize any one over another.

So it'll have to be the ones who can put up with an erratic creature such as myself.
I spend so much time trying to 'make it up' to people I haven't talked with recently... I don't really get a lot of me time.
And I need me time.
I really need to keep reminding myself I can't take on the whole world at once.
I mean, sure, I want to, but sometimes I just need to not do that.
So I can stop burning out, which takes even more time to recover from.

I'm getting better at it. I'm even drawing again.
I'm not responding to all the messages I get - I wish I could, but there's only one of me.
I need to practice not trying to do EVERYTHING, so I can at least get SOMETHING done.

I'm getting there, and figuring it out, which is why I'm feeling better.
It hurts to let some things go, but I've gotta get my priorities straight.
And I've gotta make my emotional stability one of those priorities.

Even if it means I'm not super pleasant and agreeable and happy 24/7 with everyone I meet.
Sometimes I just don't want to talk, or would prefer to be honest, rather than nice.
I need to practice that. No sense screaming inside with a smile outside, when I could just speak up and be done with it.

This isn't directed at anyone, so if I haven't said anything to you, don't worry.
If there is an issue... well, I need to learn and address those honestly.
So if I don't say anything, there's no issue!

Much love to all the friends I couldn't possibly fit on one page.
I've got shit for money, but I'm still rich when it comes to the people I care about.
That means more to me than a bunch of stupid numbers could ever mean.

So thank you, to all my friends <3 You know who you are!

Well, I'm still not moved.
It's... bloody complicated.
I'm so tired of thinking about it.
I'm really sick of trying and failing to prepare a solid plan.
It's just phone calls and paperwork, and a whole lot of waiting right now, and I HATE waiting.
Especially when there's nothing I can do to help the process along in the meantime.
Kinda makes me feel powerless, and that's a miserable feeling.

I'm trying to focus on more productive things, but creativity has kind of hit a wall for me.
I can flail around and move in time with the music, but I can't dance.
I can scribble out a dozen gesture drawings, but I can't really make it into art.

So I'm just sort of aimlessly practicing at the moment.
I'll get that creative spark back, but I don't know how or when.
The stress of knowing that any day I could be leaving, or that I might be sitting around waiting for another month, or two, or three...
It's really difficult to get the pressure of that out of my mind.
So it's really difficult to focus on anything.

And I'm really not good at NOT thinking, constantly, about everything, all the time.
My brain has no off switch - even sleeping takes an hour or two of laying there, trying to drown out the constant barrage of intrusive thoughts with music, white noise, or exhaustion.

So I'm just doing the motions and trying my best to keep myself from breaking down.

Friends help. I'm happy when I can spend time with them.
And they've been nothing but supportive and kind to me during all this.
I've got a bunch of ideas for art, stuff I want to draw.
I'll write them down. I'll keep trying.
I feel dead, but I'm still breathing, so, y'know, there's that at least.

I guess I can sort of understand what drives people to drink.
But then, enough to stop thinking is a bit too much for my tastes.
I've got enough problems without adding something like that to the list.

I've been doing a bit of sewing lately, at least.
Though I kinda think I might just need to get new pants at this point.
I've lost count of the holes, and I didn't think material could get so thin.

Granted, I'm not wearing paper-thin pants outside the house, but even lazy home-pants need to survive more than sitting.
I could make some, but I think I need proper materials.
I mean fur might be amusing, but that's kind of expensive...
And while I don't care about fashion, there's no way I'm wearing pants made out of spandex.
Like just... no. Not even at home, alone.
Even I have standards.
Some.

Maybe.

This is about as much as I can do lately.
I'll be moving soon.

My roommate is selling his house to move in with his sweetheart in California. He has offered me a place to stay with him there, but I have the opportunity to get a housing voucher, in Washington state, that will help me enough to get a place of my own, one that I don't risk losing.

I'll be leaving my dog behind with a good friend to look after because I can't give him the care he deserves right now.
I couldn't afford it if anything were to happen and he needed to be taken to the vet, and my emotional turmoil has started to take it's toll on him - I had not expected my anxiety to cause him as much distress as it does, but on top of that, the instability of my living situation would be even more stress on him, and it's too much - I can't do that to my pup. My friend and her husband both love their pets and have been looking for a good dog, so I know they will take good care of him.

I will also be moving thousands of miles from all the dear friends I've made where I am in Northern Virginia, so that is hitting pretty hard.
I don't really know anyone in the area I'll be moving to. I hope that will change once I'm there, but it's a lot to face at once.

I've had some difficulty in keeping things together, and there have been a lot of tears.
It's been hard to keep myself on track, and take care of all the preparations, much less find inspiration to keep up with my art.
I will to draw more, and I will be working on my sewing and fursuit design again...
But it's difficult to do much more than cry between distractions.
I really don't feel very strong right now.

Things will improve, and I'll see my friends again, I just have to keep reminding myself of these things.

Journal summary:

-Emotional month.
-Stupid holidays easier to survive, thanks to good friends.
-Moving from Virginia to Oregon in late January out of necessity.
-Stability might actually be a thing in my near future.



Okay, so hope everyone had a merry whatever.
I'm just glad it's all over.
A special thanks to all the friends who helped make this miserably "festive" month a happy one for me.
A few more years of this, and I might not hate the holidays so much anymore.

The usual emotional upset has been amplified by the fact I'm going to be relocating, across the continent, again, to Oregon in late January.
While my roommate has generously offered me a place to stay with him in his move to California, that's noooot a state I'd ever like to see again.
And after reams of paperwork, phone calls, and wait lists, I've managed to reach the top of the wait-list for a section 8 housing voucher in Oregon.
So out of my options, I'd really like to have a little more control over the roof over my head, and not have to rely on someone I care about for my survival.

I love my friends. The last thing I want to do is shoulder them with having to be responsible for me.
Honestly, I'd really like to be 100% independent, but one step at a time.
Until I can do that, I'm going to have to take what I can get, and that lands me face first in Oregon, near Portland.

At first I couldn't wait to leave the stupid city I'm in.
I've learned I don't handle the 24/7 noise of the city as well as I thought I could, and it's been chipping away at what tolerance I had when I first moved here, to the point it has become almost unbearable.
I didn't think something so small could affect me so significantly, but this seemingly insignificant thing has reduced me to tears more times than I'd care to admit.
What I wouldn't give to go five minutes without hearing traffic.

So given the opportunity to have more choice in where I live, I have to jump on it, and get away from the chaos.
But in doing so, I will be putting thousands of miles between myself, and the dear friends I have made here.
Something that's taken me a long time to work up enough courage to do.
For the longest time, I've only rarely, if at all, been able to connect with anyone face-to-face.
I seemed to have a knack for meeting really shitty people, growing up, so that took a lot of work to undo the damage.

It's only in the past year or so I've been able to repair enough that I've started to open up and reach out again.
In doing so, I've met friends whom I cherish. The kind of friends that make life positive - happy.
And to have them within visiting range, where I can see them and spend time with them on a regular basis?
That's really hard to leave behind.

Harder still to have to face that, and tell them.
I've choked plenty - the opportunity arises, and I just can't find the words.
So this will have to do.

I don't want to leave my friends behind, but I can't miss the chance at stability.
I'll stay in touch online, of course, but that's not quite the same.
On the plus side, I'll be seeing many of the furry ones again at cons in the future.

Still, it has been a lot to swallow all at once. Add in holiday stress, and I'm just struggling to keep up right now.

Things will get better. I intend to keep all the friends I have made.
My life will continue to improve, because I will not give up fighting to make it so.
I will find other friends within visiting range once the dust settles, and there are many positive changes on the way.

It can just be hard to shake the fear of the impending turmoil.
Good practice, perhaps, to try and live in the moment, and enjoy what I have while I have it.

I'm going to MFF this year!
Hopefully as Scraps!

That means I'm going to be working non-stop to finish him in time!
There shall be nothing but hot glue, sewing, and fur in my immediate future!
Maybe sleep and food, since I have to do that or I'll die.

So hey, if you wanna see me, or hang out, lemme know!
I'm on the schedule as @SpiffyFox, of course: http://sched.furfest.org/

I plan to be making mischief between panels with  potatogriff

Feel free to say hi if you see me! I always like meeting new friends and seeing old ones!
Just, y'know, alert me in advance for hugs - I'd probably scream like a girl otherwise.

I wonder often if I may be missing something.
Perhaps I simply need that much more practice, or my hand isn't steady enough?
I can never seem to get clean line work/inking done on my pictures without using some sort of 'path' tool, to convert lines to an approximate vector.
Even doing so with pen or pencil is tricky.

In short: How do people get such tidy line work in their art?
They all seem so straight and even on finished artwork...
Mine always end up wobbly unless I draw a line with a dozen little smaller lines, akin to sketching.

Stress is no fun, but I just can't seem to get it out of my head lately.
It's really been interfering with my focus and getting in the way of my art.

I simply cannot afford to stay where I am much longer, and so I will have to relocate out of necessity in a few months.
It will be a step forward, toward what could very well be an opportunity to secure a roof over my head for good.
I could even have more than one room to myself, which will be a first for me.

But some days all I can think about is how much I don't want to leave the friends I've made.
It's only in the past year or so that I've really been able to get out and connect with more than one or two good friends, locally.

I know I can make more where I go, and I will...
But I've never really had much to leave behind before.
Now I do, and it's very hard to accept that.

It hurts, trying to come to terms with being separated by distance from those I've grown close to.
Little visits, meetings for lunch, seeing a familiar face at a meetup, playing games, and all sorts of adventures together... every little moment I get to spend with my friends is a blessing. It's something special that means the world to me.

Text alone can be so... distant.
I will miss seeing their smiles, and hearing their voices.
I cherish every moment, and I know there will be more.
I know I will stay in touch, and have no intention of losing any of the friends I've made here.

But some days, it's a little too much to try and accept the fact I might not be able to see them again for months, or even years - I don't even like to consider that it could be that long. But until I can afford to travel regularly, that is something I will have to face.
Certainly something to strive towards...

Sometimes it all gets to be a little overwhelming.
I have a lot of work ahead of me.
There is a great deal of my past that I still have to face and deal with, that makes this sort of thing more difficult.


I seek not charity nor pity, I only wish to speak my mind, and vent a bit.
I have all the help I could ask for, simply by my friends existing.

I think we all might need time to cry on occasion.
Sometimes, that time can just last a bit longer for me than I'd like.

Right! So I'm still drawing and working on Scraps, just been dealing with some personal issues that have left me a bit listless, so it's been sloowwwww going.

But I won't let that keep me down! I'm getting myself back on track!
I'm too stubborn to stay down for too long anymore.

So draw draw draw I shall, and I'm keeping hold of my inspiration!
I like to make people smile!
And I seem to be able to do that sometimes with drawing, so that's enough for me!

Now, I really think creativity is a weird thing - it's about as erratic as I am, if not more!
As much inspiration as I draw from bringing joy to those around me, I must confess, there are often times I want to draw something I rather doubt would have that effect.

Why? Well, I am terribly fascinated by horror, and sometimes I just feel the urge to delve into that and explore it artistically.
Go figure that this usually results in art that seems to make most people terribly uncomfortable.
I just draw and write this stuff! But I often get the feeling it results in insinuations I'd much rather avoid.

Perhaps it can be difficult to separate art from artist, as they tend to be so closely intertwined.
And really, I try to keep most of what I present to the public family friendly.
Surprises are fun! But not when they're unpleasant ones.
Clicking through a bunch of cute and fuzzy art, and suddenly finding a monster hiding in the midst of that might be a little off-putting.

So perhaps an alternate account is in order once I have enough to warrant posting.

Has anyone else wrestled with this problem? Have you ever wanted to create something completely unlike your usual fare, but then decided better of it, or simply kept it to yourself, so as not to jar your watchers with something abruptly different?
I mean sure, 'D' is pretty strange, but that's about as far off track as I'm willing to go XD

For those who might not have noticed this about me yet: I can be a little absent-minded at times.

I often tend to focus so intently on something I forget most other things, and that focus can change rather quickly, or remain for days at a time. This is how my brain works.

But I want ALL my friends to know I love them to bits! Even if I don't say much, lose track of conversations, or otherwise completely space out, it's not because I want to stop talking, or don't care, it just happens - I can't help it!

My grandpa used to tell me I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on, and he was right!

I keep notes, so I can try to keep track of everything, and I even lose track of those notes!

I try to divvy up my time and make sure no one is left out, but heck, I leave myself out half the time, like forgetting to eat!

Alternatively, I will try to multi-task, and end up doing 8 things at once before I catch myself and try to narrow it down to a more manageable number, so I actually make progress in something.

This means my activity and attention can be pretty erratic from day to day.
Like my comments and favouriting of awesome arts. There's too much to keep up with, and I can't pick any one friend over another, so it's pretty random what I click next!

Technically I could (possibly) comment and view every bit of art my friends and favourite artists post, if I didn't eat, sleep, or blink.
But that might not go so well!
Alas, sleep and eating are necessary, as much as I'd like to skip it sometimes to do more interesting things!

Honestly, I wish I could give everyone the attention I feel they deserve, but there wouldn't be enough time in the day to do that, even if I had just one friend!



The friends I make - the people that I share that mutual care and respect with - they make life worth living!
I can't think of much that means more to me than those who have shown me such kindness, and have shared their time with me!
So I like to do little journals like this from time to time, with the occasional bit of art here and there, because it's important to me that I let those wonderful people know how much they mean to me!

You're all awesome!! More than I could ever express in words or art!
But that won't stop me from trying!

So how often does this happen to other artists? Do you ever finish something, and look at it, and think, "Will my watchers really like this?"
Or maybe "Does this fit the image I want to project?"
Or wonder about how many times you should correct and revise before moving on?
This seems to happen to me, and I end up simply archiving art because I don't feel it's 'good enough' to warrant reworking.

Maybe this is what the scraps category is for, so I think I'll post some things there. Scribbles seem to help my artwork progress faster than finishing, but I will finish my comic's last bit!

There should be more Scraps in my scraps soon too!

So the other day I went dining with some friends to an Argentinian diner.
So some of you reading may already know of the dish I am about to address...

All in all it was a lovely dinner, and I had great fun hanging out with friends.
But this is story time, so there is some embellishment to the actual significance of things here.

Now perhaps you may be one to think just as I did: that this tasty sounding item on the appetizer menu called 'Sweet Bread' sounded like a tasty bit of baking, and a pleasant way for a somewhat safer exploration of a new type of cuisine.
I like to try new things, but foxes are cautious, and I am no exception.
So I ordered the 'Sweet Bread', and a sausage sandwich called choripán.
Now, I know sausage is probably every part of several animals, all ground up, and secured in an elastic casing we don't talk about in polite company. But I expected that at least.

When they brought me my sandwich and a dish of some sort of what looked like chicken, I thought to myself, "Oh, how nice, they even serve it with bonus meat. But where's my bread?"

They should bring that out shortly, I decided, and tried a bite of the sandwich, which was quite tasty. And some of the squishy, fatty, chicken-y meat substance served beside it. I thought this was awful chicken, and politely choked down a large bit of fat. The waiter was very nice and I did not want to offend anyone's cooking just because it was strange to me.
Besides, it was bonus chicken.

But it was not chicken.
When the waiter stopped by later I asked him about my bread, wondering if they had forgotten it, and he pointed to the 'chicken' plate, "That's it." "Oh, okay, thank you," I said as what this meant sank in, and I became suddenly much less hungry.
"Oh no... no no no no no, what did I just eat? 'Sweet Bread'? I think I've heard this before..."
Now in general, people seem to have no problem with something like 'flank steak', for example, so I knew it had to be something less desirable to eat than a cow's ass. (Which flank steak is not, oddly enough. The actual part that could be considered 'ass' is called the 'round'. Go figure.)
All I could remember is that I felt 'sweet bread' was so named for the same reason 'Rocky Mountain Oysters' are called something to which they have no relation. Except perhaps being meat... of some sort.

So I was having a little trouble swallowing at this point, because my imagination has a much more significant effect on my stomach than my taste-buds do.
Dreading what I had just swallowed, and what I now felt sliding inexorably toward my stomach, I became concerned this may be brain. Maybe it's just because of zombies, but I think that's a bit too creepy for me to want to try.

I expressed my slightly concerning curiosity at this point to my friends with whom I was dining. One was quick on the draw, and pulled up the information on my mystery dish and related to me some of the details.
I must admit I lost track of them somewhere after 'pancreas' and it became simply a haze of various organs I did not want to have just eaten.

But 'Waste not want not' is my motto, and however undesirable, this was considered by some, food, and should not be wasted. Unfortunately, I could not bring myself to finish it, but I did manage too keep what I had down, so I can at least say I survived my unwitting culinary adventure.

I still prefer to think of it as chicken. Which it is not, but this delusion is easier to believe than the bread one, because that squishy dish had nothing to do with 'sweet' or 'bread'.
Although to be honest, I cannot recall exactly what it tasted like, besides regret.
And maybe paprika?

I still left a good tip, 'cause it wasn't their fault I didn't know what I was ordering XD

More art is inbound! I just decided to try finishing some of it free-hand, rather than with vectors, so it's taking a bit longer than I had planned. And work on Scraps will continue in full swing soon, now that my schedule has been made a bit less chaotic.

One more state to add to the list of places I'll have lived.
How many is it now? I have lost count.
It keeps things interesting at least.
And this may actually be the first chance I have to finally stop being relocated by necessity.

Sometime early 2016, my roommate will be selling his home to move in with his sweetheart in California.
It is only thanks to his generosity I have been able to afford to live in Virginia in the first place.
He has, of course, extended the invitation to move with him, but for a number of reasons, personal and otherwise, this won't quite work for me.
And as luck/fate/whatever might have it, of all the potential alternatives I have been pursuing, a spot in Northern Oregon has taken the forefront as having the most potential.

I think the opportunity I have to live away from the noise will be good for me, and help my socialization a great deal by giving me a quiet place to retreat to. Right now I live by a busy street, and the constant sound of cars has had significantly negative effects on my emotional well-being. A lot more than I would have expected. I suppose it's true you never know what you really have until you lose it. And the nearly complete loss of silence, day or night, has been a lot more difficult for me than I had expected.

So this is a step in a positive direction for me, with the major downside being that this step is taking me across the continent from the friends I've made locally.

I've never really been sure how to bring up this sort of topic with anyone without the fear it might be terribly awkward for them, so I would not usually mention this relocation thing.
But it's happening, and well, I don't want to spring that at the last minute on my friends.

I have not often had many friends who were within reasonable driving distance.

Social media can be a crutch. It can also be a easy substitute for face-to-face socialization. As expressive as one might be in writing, there's a majority of communication missing from this element by its very nature.

So I've been pushing myself to go out and meet people who I have something in common with, through meetup groups. I hadn't quite expected there might still be a whole groups of people I feel comfortable being around. I suppose I never really thought to look before.

Still, I am not certain how I would go about bringing this topic up, nor am I certain if it would even be appropriate, as I believe I completely missed the memo about what makes awkward subjects awkward.

The hows and whys of this drastic relocation have never been a comfortable topic to discuss, in my experience. So I'll just put it out there, and say if it's something you want to talk about, just ask me about it.

I don't mind talking about anything, but that has led to a lot more awkward silence than I would like, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut unless someone wants to risk that.
So for now I'll just play it safe and keep it vague.

It's times like this I really wish teleporters were real.
Though if they were real, I am convinced they would kill me, or leave my soul behind.
So if they were real, I'd also wish that wasn't a problem.
You know, just in case someone with a monkey's paw is reading this and feeling generous.
Maybe a private jet would be better...
Or my own island...
Actually, 'Undisputed Ruler of All Things' would cover my bases I think, so let's go with that.
Yes, world domination would be just fine.

Well Disney and Pixar are pretty awesome, most of the time, and this movie looked decent at least, so I gave it a shot, and wow! I was really impressed!

This is, without a doubt, being added to my list of favourite movies. I absolutely loved it!
The basic premise of the movie is a story about a young girl, Riley, dealing with the ups and downs of growing up and change.
Nothing special there, but I think it's the perspective that made this story so enthralling for me.

With a flair for balancing humor, story, and emotion with colorful and creative animation, I think it was very effectively brought to life.
This movie topped even Toy Story for me on my list of favourites. And I love Toy Story!

It's sort of an adventure from the point of view of the five emotions that influence Riley's choices and personality.
And it was pretty darn accurate with the emotions.
Surprising fact I noted in the credits: They actually consulted psychologists who helped revise the story to reflect findings on the interactions of emotions with other people.

Probably why it was so intense - they go right for the feelings!
I think there was enough variety in the portrayal of emotions that there's probably, at the very least, something relatable in there, for almost everyone.
If not several things, or most of them.
It was one heck of a ride, I'll say that. Moments ranging from giggles to tears, both happy and sad.
I think it's definitely worth seeing!

I'm still kicking! I managed to sew a vest for myself, which is pretty darn nifty, having made something I can wear from cloth and thread! Not exactly art submission worthy, but still feels like a heck of an accomplishment!

Working out design and the finer details for my fursuit before I start cutting and sewing things together.
Fascinating and a fun challenge to put everything together, plan, and make sure it all fits.
Though there's not much of artistic value to show for it just yet, hopefully it will save me from making something that doesn't fit!
That would be even less aesthetically pleasing!

Been playing a lot with color and fur pattern as well, so I may have something to show for that if I can ever figure it out...
It's harder than I thought working with a limited palette of colors!
That may result in art though! So stay tuned!

I'm also writing about a touchy subject, from my observations, and hope to provide something informative that might offer some insight for those that might like to read about it.

It's about depression.
I wonder if that made anyone cringe?
I talk about drama! Go on, read it! It'll be fun!

...Well, okay, 'fun' might be a strong word to use there.
Informative or interesting at least!
It's this, here: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/17201223/

Wow, what a trip that was!

I thought it might be fun, but I never would've guessed how much!
Emotional too: it's been a long time since I've really felt like I was a part of a community like this.
I felt it at Furthemore, a smaller con in Virginia, but even more-so at AC.

Normally crowds terrify me, but despite there being thousands attending, it felt a bit safer for some reason - everyone was there for similar reasons. We all had something in common.

Socialization can be very awkward at times, and that doesn't just go away, but it didn't really seem to matter so much anymore.
It felt like it was simply accepted, because we're all a little bit awkward sometimes, so why let it muck things up?

The feeling I got from meeting others who were there... it seemed like for most it is a very sincere form of expression.
Kind of a way to look on the outside like you feel on the inside.
Or at least closer to it.

It has made me rather happy to be a part of the sort of community that seems to embrace differences and quirks, rather than demanding some sort of 'normalized' standard.
It certainly feels like there's still an order to it all that keeps the peace.
A sort of code of acceptance.

I think part of it is because we're all there to be more like who we want to be, rather than how we feel we should be.
Of course, who everyone is, is vastly different than most any other, so the strange or unusual becomes simply a kindred spirit, looking for the same freedom to be as they wish to be.
I feel there's no reason to interfere with someone else looking for the same sort of freedom I desire for myself.

Did I meet some creatures I found strange? Without a doubt.
Were there times someone seemed awkward? Absolutely.
But none of that mattered - I'm sure there were plenty of people that found me strange and awkward too.
So I was in good company.

Even when someone did something like tripping over their words, or mumbling when they couldn't think of how to say something, or saying something altogether unexpected - it wasn't bad, or unpleasant.
Because I hear the pauses, or the faltering, and I am reminded of how often the same thing happens to me.
I am reminded it's okay to be like that. I'm in company that understands what it's like to not be able to find the right words sometimes.

So it gives me a freedom to connect without so much fear of ridicule.

How wonderful it is to see the unique expression of so many different individuals as well.
How much more bright and colorful a world it is, when those around me are more concerned with what they feel in their heart, rather than what they feel they should be, to fit in.

I think sincerity is a very beautiful thing to see.
And I think it's inspiring when the sincere expressions, from so many different people, can come together and still find harmony.

That sort of colorful harmony really feels like something special. It feels right.

I couldn't possibly recall every friend I made or familiar face I saw, and I would hate to forget anyone, so the short and simple of it:
There was not a single soul I met, that I did not enjoy meeting.

Maybe I was just lucky, but I didn't have to look far to find someone I could relate to in some way.

So if we met, know that I was glad for the company, simple as that!

This was nothing short of an amazing experience.
I really hope to make it next year as well. We'll see if I can.

Regardless, this will be a memory I will always hold close to my heart.
I am finding it is easier to let go of the memories that hurt, when I find ones that heal to hold onto instead.

And I have met many kind friends I have to thank for these wonderful memories.

The fursuit parade went outside for the public this year for the first time.
And thanks to the generosity of my friends, I was able to participate in this, rather than simply watch.
I had never expected to see the streets full of cheering crowds.
Or all the smiling children, lined up along the opened route, from start to finish, with their hands out for a chance to get a high-five.
Some of them even in costumes of their own, little capes fluttering in the wind as they waited for their chance to interact.

I think the spark that comes from honest expression is spreading.
It seems to get bigger every year, and I think people are starting to catch on - the freedom to sincerely express yourself in harmony with others can really be something magical.
And I think we could all use a little more magic like that in our lives, furry or otherwise.

Pattern making is a bit harder than I had first anticipated, but I think I've got it down! We'll see after we're done sewing... which should be today, actually! Because...

Super special thanks to  mithryanna for lending me an awesome sewing machine to help with the sewing that needs to be done for my suit!

This will save me countless hours of hand sewing! Which I had actually been considering... in the sort of way one considers walking several miles rather than using wheels.

Although I do not think Scraps will be done in time for AC - I've still got to work through a lot more minor details I hadn't anticipated would take so long! The jaw is the worst, really. I think I might actually have it finished, but it's taken two days of work.
Two days ish.. I haven't been sleeping much, so that may contribute... haha, I'm having too much fun, I just lose track of time! Working away, and I notice the sun coming up, and I'm like, "Wait, when'd it get dark out?" So, that's a pretty good indication of how much sleep I've been getting... which I've fixed now! Because I was starting to burn out. So I slept last night, for some number of hours that should be plenty to catch up.

As much as I'd like to finish everything before AC, I might need to sleep a little more beforehand, considering last con (which was my first!) I was too busy having fun to sleep! I mean I did sleep, but significantly less than was healthy.

That and I still need to decide where to put what colors I have, and if I should get any others... 'cause my palette is kinda limited, unless I want to buy more fur. I never thought it would be so tricky to color a dog!
Which is what I think Scraps will be, a mutt, of a calico sort of coloration! Just gotta figure out where to put everything now...

I've got plenty of black, but mostly black seems kind of dull, so I'll have to get creative with the other colors I have! Which is a little bit of white, a small roll of brown, and some grey scraps.... oh, and plenty of BRIGHT NEON ORANGE. Which, in retrospect, may not have been the most appealing color to have a few yards of... but it's what was there!
It should be good for highlights and markings though - I'll just need to balance the other colors so I don't look like I'm Halloween themed. Although this would not be entirely awful, maybe just a little odd...

I think I might try practice coloring more pictures...

I don't want to have all sad journals, so, I am pleased to say I will be going to Anthrocon this year!
Thanks to a friend for offering me space in their room, I can afford to go this year!

How exciting! I really hope I can get Scraps finished by then, though I might be in a bit over my head trying to finish my first fursuit in a week...
I'm still going to try! It's fun anyway!

In other news, I have all the materials I need now, so it's just a matter of building and planning and sewing.
Dollar stores are the best for unexpected salvage opportunities! I need rubber to make footpaws, but where to get that? Rubber to walk on by the sheet? I had no idea, and it sounded expensive.
Then I saw a bunch of cheap sandals in the dollar store... you know, those ones that are basically just a rubber sole and strings/plastic?
That's just what I was looking for! So I got all the rubber I needed and then some for $3.

Overall, I think my costs have come to about $400, although probably $150 or more was tools I needed, and of course the fur was free scrap. And I still need to pick a simple sewing machine, with maybe a zigzag stitch... I'm trying to figure out if I can get a half decent one for less than $100, so any suggestions are welcome if anyone knows a good brand or whatnot.

Whatever happens, I'll be going to Anthrocon, tail or not! Woohoo!

Social anxiety, for me, stems from what seems to be a completely subjective and vast variance in experiences with people.
With so many variables, quirks, pitfalls, and unpredictability, with so many unwritten rules of behavior, where does one even begin to approach such a complicated process?

Home-schooling had the advantage of teaching me the way I needed to learn.
It had the distinct (dis)advantage of minimizing social interaction.
I was not naturally given to socialization anyway, I had more interesting things to see and learn.

I have heard many horror stories about school days, and I know I hated every second of it when I was there 'till kindergarten, so maybe I dodged a bullet.
But you learn from pain that doesn't kill you, so maybe I missed a lesson or two that wasn't in the books.

I'd sit at my desk and cry most of the time, that's all I remember. That and sitting by the fence during recess, making escape plans in my head.
I told one of the kids there I was really Link - because he was a hero and would save the world, so I thought that was cool, I could do that.
Heroes were brave and strong, right?

I've always been a bit... emotionally fragile. I think I was 8 when I heard the tune 'It's a Small World' on a music box, and it made me cry.
It just seemed like a sad tune to me for some reason. Maybe it was the instrument. I didn't know the lyrics.

Maybe that was the early signs of emotional problems? Or an artistic bent. That's sort of a blurred line between those two anyway.

Still, there are so many questions there is no clear answer for.

Like for example: Is there a moment in casual conversation in which you effectively progress a casual acquaintance, to a good friend?
What is the procedure for this? How do you tell when you're there? Do you have to visit a number of times, or hang out, or have tea, to reach a certain point you can talk about more personal topics?

When you're not familiar with the other person, how do you tell how often is too often to be around them? Or contact them?
Is it weird to ask someone to do the same thing again next time you meet, like have tea again? Or go hiking?
Does that mean you're boring if you don't pick something new next time?

If someone says they'd like to hang out, but then don't contact you, how long do you wait? Would it be rude to contact them without waiting a day or two? Or are you supposed to pick something first? And then if you pick one venue, shouldn't you wait for them to pick the next? If they don't, does that mean they've changed their mind about you?

How many opportunities I must have missed because I wasn't sure who's turn it was to pick something to do?

When the conversation is light, and someone asks about something with not so light an answer, how do you respond?
"California was nice when I visited. What did you do while you were there?" "I lived on the streets."
Should I lie? Glaze it over? Maybe joke instead?
Divert attention away?

The only "guidance" I've ever gotten on what to talk about when, is the extremely vague shaking of the head, and dumb signalling to stop talking, from my parents.
So they taught me there are topics which are taboo at certain times with certain people, and then give me absolutely no information whatsoever on how to pick these out.
I feel like I missed a memo somewhere, or a vital pamphlet on how to interact with other people.

Add in 12 years of home-school, and I think I missed the bus completely. I just don't get it.

I think most people tend to notice I'm a bit awkward, so there's that at least.
But where the bloody hell do you learn how to be NOT awkward?

Rhetorical questions really, just venting a bit.
Though if there is an answer that doesn't start with 'it depends on...' I'm all ears.

Making things is a good distraction. I'll post my progress! And maybe sleep, eventually.