As many of you know, the coronavirus has taken many people's job, including my own. I never had much money to my name and it's just about to get worse. I've got bills coming in and no money to pay them. I don't know what to do and I have nowhere to turn. It just seems like you are in a car heading toward a cliff and you can't stop the car or get out; just wait for the car to finally fall off.

I'm sorry if I worry anyone with this, I'm just under a lot of stress and I can't find a way out.

Hi. Many of those who have read my last journal will know that I have gone through some problems lately with crazy instances in my life resulting from parental conditioning and a bad school experience. However, I feel my journey in regards to discovering who I am (at least in terms of sexuality) has finally come to a close. For a long time I thought I had to be straight due to my parents, but I also couldn't help, but love weenies (I love cute names like that) and after a time, I figured I was just gay. I had several partners, but it never ended well. Even admitting to myself that I love penises, I still felt like that wasn't the full story. Having talked with some people, I now realize I am Bi, but I prefer men. I also discovered other things such as my preference to feminine butts and my love of men's abs. It may sound strange, but for me discovering what I like has been oddly full filling and that I can finally go on with my life with the full knowledge of who I am and with that knowledge I can maybe find a mate I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

So I've been inactive in my writing recently and that is because of a bad breakup I had with my boyfriend a few months ago. During that time I've been reflecting on my life and how I got to where I am and although I don't know why, I just want to open up and talk about myself so I apologize if this journal seems strange.
So my name is Wayne and for a long time I spent my life feeling constrained. My parents were very religious and while for a while that didn't mean much, in high school it got really bad. During high school I remember seeing so many people I knew begin to date and I figured I should do the same, but after a while I got a feeling that there was something wrong. I never really found girls attractive and for a while it was the same with the guys, but soon after I started college my sex drive kicked in and I found out that I really loved wieners. I would have fantasies about sex often and I felt ashamed of it. It doesn't help that my voice sounds really odd.
After a while I tried to get a girlfriend thinking my love of penises was just because of too much hormones or something, but it didn't work out. Later something great came into my life though. I met a man who loved me and helped me though this dark time. I remember having sex with him for the first time. I was nervous and my parents conditioning still had me thinking about going to hell, but I went through with it anyway and I'm glad I did, but eventually my boyfriend broke up with me.
Nowadays I still do find partners and I love the sex, but at the same time I feel conflicted because I still sometimes hear the voice of my parents telling me it's wrong. I really hate religious people and I sometimes hope they would be killed off, but every time I think about these thoughts I realize I'm wishing death on other people and I don't know if it's right or if I'm crazy. Nowadays the only thing that brings me any real comfort is sex and I'm worried how that will affect my life in the long term. I just don't know.
For a while I've been doing writing almost as another stress reliever and their are still plenty of things I want to write, but I quickly realized that it is almost always about sex and I don't know if that is a problem. Sometimes I wish I was never born or I was born differently, but no matter what my better judgement tells me to keep on going and that is what I plan to do no matter where it takes me.
I'm sorry to dump this rant on whoever reads it, but I feel that not doing it would just make things worse. Writing and sex are the only things that I seem to be able to do to calm my nerves, but I'm still worried about what that can bring for me in the future.

I doubt anybody will care, but I just need to vent. I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago or rather he left me and I really don't know how to take it.

It feels like a big weight has been removed. So for those who saw my last journal you know I wasn't in the best place mostly thanks to my introversion and the problems it has caused, but now I finished my stuff for college and after being nervous about it for so long I finally agreed to have sex with my boyfriend and I could describe how great it felt. Now I'm going to have some more free time to write and I want to start drawing. I'm not very good, but I feel I just need to do it instead of standing around nervous. I'm now more than ever looking forward to the future.

So I'm a very introverted person and I have a hard time meeting new people and this has caused many problems in my life with keeping friends, finding a romantic partner, having sex, and such. 4 months ago my girlfriend broke up with me because of my introversion and I'm sad she left, but I've been going along fine. Now I've never been sure if I am straight, gay, or bi, but with my girlfriend I did have sex and it was awkward and I didn't enjoy it. I say that story to tell you this. Recently I've been trying to explore my sexuality and I met a very nice guy and we have gotten along very well, but he has a tendency to get very horny and I want to do it with him, but at the same time I don't. I don't know what to make of it and I feel I can't say anything about it to him or anyone else in my life except here. I'm not sure if I'm in a good place or not and I'm very nervous.