I deleted my old NSFW Discord and merged it with my main Discord! You can join via this link: discord.gg/GmDtNjxda3

You just have to DM asking for the NSFW role and confirm you are 18+ 🖤 (Saying your age or simply that you are 18+ is enough)

This is to keep all announcements and art together all in one place, making it easier to keep up with my streams, events and my art! I've had to use several accounts for different things (FA is NSFW, Twitter is SFW and Toyhouse for my designs, etc)

I also open for commissions there usually before posting anywhere else! If youre interested in getting art thats the easiest way! I've also started streaming more and host events on Saturdays in VR and keep all of that information posted to the server! (There are specific roles for what youre interested in getting notifications about so dont worry, if youre not interested in VR/Stream stuff, you wont get those notifs!)

So yeah, join my Discord! I'll keep updating art here and other places, but you'll see a lot more art/wips posted there! Im no longer using Patreon so none of it is paywalled, I just simply get too lazy to post everything lol

Im also planning to eventually make merch and have a shop hosted on Kofi so you'll get to see what I'm up to with that when I get it going as well!

Seems like a few folk are talking abt using FA again and I honestly hate using Twitter, so I want to know-

Is it still active here, or becoming active again? I’d also like to start posting here again just bcuz it’s so nice to have an actual gallery.

It’s been a while and I draw more sfw than I used to but hopefully that’d still be okay? 🥺

Hello everyone, its been a while since I’ve updated but I’ve received my tax returns and I’m ready to send out the last of my Refunds!

PLEASE MESSAGE/NOTE ME IF YOU ARE WAITING ON ART OR A REFUND!!

Unless we have talked recently and I have said otherwise, I’m refunding all of my commissions that I still owe, so please send your paypal information my way!

I have the majority of information for most refunds on my Trello, but this will help me make sure no one has been forgotten!

After I finish paying off this Queue, I will be free to return to art and quit my job. Look forward to it, and if you aren’t already, you can follow my Twitter for more art and updates: twitter.com/skullmutt / twitter.com/spunkymutt_ (nsfw acct)

Thanks everyone! 🖤

Hey, this is just an update journal for those who are waiting on something from me! I am planning to refund the majority of my owed list n have gathered quite a few people’s details already but still need a few other’s!

I’ll be contacting everyone myself eventually, but if you could get w me about your commission/refund just as an update, I would really appreciate it to make sure I have all the information I need!

I got a job at Target and have set aside of minimum of refunding $100 every paycheck (I’ll be increasing this amount soo, just finishing off some personal debts as well rn)

I’m really looking forward to clearing out my goal so I can get back to making personal works and animations to share with you guys! 🖤

Looking forward to 2021!

https://furrylife.online/profile/6020-spunkymutt/

Not abandoning this account, but I am going to be trying to move myself and my following over there. New art and commission openings will be posted over there! (And on my twitter: https://twitter.com/spunkymutt_ )

So with the quarantine I’ve had a lot of time to self reflect and think about things, and I figure its time to post an update...


In the past few years, I’ve slowed down in my art and posting a lot. There’s a few contributing factors to this, but I think on top of all personal stuff, I really feel like my art has become something unrecognizable to me, and looking at a lot of it from 2016 up to 2018 upsets and depresses me. (2019’s art folder is pretty empty)

Art was something that became immediately the only source of income for me, starting at 17 up to now at 23. 18 is when I really delved into making porn furry art, and I feel its then that a huge change happened with my art. Since I was more interested in making money than focusing on getting better or drawing at all for myself (or a portfolio), I can see a huge stagnation and lack of passion in my art, esp in my 2017 art folder!

Its also content; there’s a lot of things I’ve drawn or become known for, that I don’t at all want to draw or be affiliated with anymore.

Quick List of those things;
-Hyper
-Heat/Breeding/Pregnancy
-Feral
-Fetish art in general

I really have detached from the idea that I want to “be” a porn artist. I like art to create things that are aesthetically pleasing to me and that mean something to me. I’d like to do art of the things that inspire me, animate and in general discover who I am with my art again.

Of course, I understand I have responsibility to my commissioners and I am going to do right by everyone. Things are particularly uncertain right now, and I don’t know when I’ll be getting a job again, hopefully soon after the pandemic is over. In the meantime, I’m working as quickly as I can on what I owe, and refunding when I have money. (This is likely to come from adopts mostly until I have a job again!)

I have a Trello with all of my commissioners on it, but if you’d like to contact me about whether I plan to refund or finish your commission, you’re very welcome to note me! I realize that during 2019 I was terrible about responding to notes, but I will be doing better to communicate and respond to notes in timely manners. (Sorry guys, I really can’t convey how deeply personal and hard that time was for me, but I genuinely apologize for ghosting anyone during that time. 😔)


With all that said, the intentions for this account in the future are a bit uncertain, depending mostly on my interest in drawing and creating porn/furry art. I have every intention to focus on a portfolio and animation when my queue is clear, so commissions will probably be closed for a while!

That’s it for this journal; Thank you guys 🖤

Alright guys, I want to make this update because it's very important.

I wake up at 5am for my job, which I have to be at by 7am, and I don't get off until 4pm, leaving me with about...5-6 hours of free time before I go to bed for work. As should be expected, its tiring and my feet and back hurt a LOT after work, so I just want to rest, take a long hot bath to relax and eat. I don't really have the energy to do the Iron Artist on top of this gig, atleast not rn while I'm in training and working so much.

I've decided to move the Iron Artist over to next month (July). This will give me time to adjust to and focus on my new job, and also allow me to get a better idea of what my schedule will look like after training. (Because I'm working more than I would normally while training, and will be in training for two weeks.)

I did try to do the Iron Artist, but its too much stress on top of giving me NO down time, and I don't want to immediately burnout at this job.

If you'd like a refund, please note me and we can arrange it. Otherwise, I'm going to focus on trying to complete the other commissions I took originally before the IA on my off days. (I have Saturday and Sunday off and intend to stream on atleast one of those days to bang out a few commissions I owe!)

I'm really, really sorry for this extremely poor timing, but I had no control over when my employer called me, and I couldn't very well ask for him to wait a month. (And getting an actual job has been my goal since I've moved!)


I'm going to be doing my absolute best to do right by you all, because you've all been incredibly patient and understanding with me so far! I'm just trying to get my life back on track now that I'm no longer depressed ;;

Hey guys, so I got the call Thursday about coming in for an interview on the job I applied for! It's just as a cashier part time at the convenient store gas station up the road (so close, I can walk to it in like 5 mins!) :D Did the drug screen test yesterday, and today I got the message to come in for training on Monday! ^^

It's only meant to be part time so it doesn't eat up all my time, AND DON'T WORRY, I'm still going to be doing the June Iron Artist!

This just means I should have extra cash flow coming in so I have to focus less on making money and can dedicate my free time to completing owed commissions, instead of having to juggle between making money and finishing what I owe! ^^

Just wanted to update everyone, and let them know! Another step in getting my life back together ~

UPDATE: Iron Artist has been moved to July! Check latest Journal for info!

Hey guys, been a while since I've done an Iron Artist! Now that I've finally settled down into a comfortable home situation, I feel confident and able to draw every day again.
This will also serve as a way to help regulate a schedule for me, like it had in the past! (I will also be working with current commissions alongside these!)

So here we go again, here's the details:

DETAILS
-You grab a slot, and I respond with a day! (Like June 2nd, for example)
-Commission is completed and sent to you on that day!
-YES You can request specific days!
-Payment is upfront
-NO WIPs! Send ALL the information necessary and be specific! This is extremely important.
-Artistic liberty works best for this type of Commission, but is not necessary!

SPUNKY IS ALSO AVAILABLE FOR COMMISSIONS AGAIN!
Ref: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachme.....914635/100.png

Preferred Kinks w/ Her: Pet Play, Collar/Leashes, Paw Play, Choking, Heat, Dominant
Chest Binder is not optional, please do not ask me to draw her with her tits out.

FLATCOLOR QUALITY
Example: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachme.....334474/069.png
-40$ single character, 70$ two character!
-Hyper is allowed, but depending on size I may reject, and there will be a fee! 10$-15$ depending on size.

COMMENT BELOW WITH THIS FORM FILLED OUT IF YOU'D LIKE A SLOT!
Number of Characters:
References:
Details:
Paypal:

[You can also note me!]

If you're slot is accepted, I will respond with a message asking for payment to be sent to ireviolence[at]yahoo.com ~

JUNE JULY SLOTS
1.  sr71 [FINISHED]
2.  megaru. [FINISHED]
3.  caiustheblackdragon [FINISHED]
4.  skadich [REFUNDED]
5.  cahine [REFUNDED]
6.  sparks108
7.  JarvyBestelin
8.  praexon [FINISHED]
9.  noobularfur
10.  crippy326
11.  crippy326 [FINISHED]
12.  overlordnyaldee
13.  noobularfur
14.  kadenx [FINISHED]
15.  hahaluckyme
16.  huntersomething
17.  shinyillusionz
18.  shinyillusionz
19.  shinyillusionz
20.  Seraphimkitsune
21.  overgrown_lizards [FINISHED]
22.  overgrown_lizards
23.  sparks108
24.  EonCervosAeterni
25.  whatthefluffer
26.  sparks108
27.  felixgryphon
28.  tiddles.

Hey guys, I'm taking some flatcolor commissions! ♥

40$ single character
70$ two character
+5-10$ Hyper fee depending on how hyper
+5-10$ Detailed Design fee depending on how detailed

Examples: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachme.....334474/069.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachme.....222848/072.png

Send details and refs in a note ♥

1.  keihound - Single Character // FINISHED
2.  DutchAD_Yoruna - Single Character // FINISHED
3.  raogathar - Single Character // FINISHED
4.  lycantiger - Single Character // FINISHED
5.  lonelemon - Single Character
6.  ALPHAZEROWP3 - Single Character // FINISHED
7.  xeshaire - Single Character // FINISHED
8.  baconbakin - Two Character
9.  vixynyan - Two Character // FINISHED
10.  slumberdoq - Two Character
// FINISHED
EXTRA:
2.  varvicia - Two Character
4.  ace1 - Two Character // REFUNDED
3.  Aliradan-the-Black - Single Character // FINISHED

I know this is bad timing considering that I've just moved into a new place, but I had already organized this MONTHS in advance with a friend before I had even known I'd be moving, so I am actually going to be attending FWA! :3
Let me know if you're also going, I'll be around to chill and hang haha


Gonna be looking to drink and get fucked up all weekend to really celebrate my new move before I'm officially tied down to a job LOL

Keep an eye out for streams! <3

As for the move, it went really well! I'm settled in and I've already started putting in applications around places, and I'm in a MUCH MUCH MUCH better head space, and my roommates are incredibly nice and helpful! They own the house so they're very attentive for making sure that I have everything I need (more like the room need's but yeah) The lease is long term as well so I don't have to worry about moving and frantically finding a job!

On top of that, we get along well, and they plan on treating me to drinks in celebration of my recently passed birthday, so that'll be nice too! :D
Now that I'm in a better situation, I'm being a lot more active and I'm overall a LOT happier, and it's already started to show in my productivity! I'm a lot more motivated to do work! (Which is good because I have a good bit I need to do!)

Because I've just moved in and there's a lot happening that needs to be done, but essentials like food and such needs to be taken care of as well, so I will be doing some in stream commissions on top of sketching out commissions I've taken recently, so just bare with me as I settle in! Everything's super exciting and new and I'm hella stoked to get my life on track! <333


THANK YOU EVERYONE SO MUCH WHO HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY PATIENT/SUPPORTIVE OF ME THROUGH MY WHOLE ORDEAL 2018 was very hard on me, and the start of 2019 isn't so great either, and I'm really sorry that things got so bad, but I think I'm on the right path and I'm super excited and happy!!! Thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou!! /)u(\ I CANT SAY IT ENOUGH

Thank you so much for everyone who helped me with Bella’s medical expenses! Here’s the update:

The did a blood work test to see if it was anything like kidney or liver failure, basically to check if there was anything else that could be causing the seizures other than neurological, and the blood work came back clean. It seems that whatever is wrong it’s definitely neurological and perhaps the scariest part is the fact that she 8 seizures today (9 now, she had 3 more after my original post was made) and the Vet was concerned that may mean its a brain tumor.


An MRI scan to check if its a brain tumor is 1500$ though and I obviously can’t afford that. Right now he’s given me some Phenobarbitol to get her started on. I’ve been told to keep watching her and tracking her seizures on the medication, and to call back tomorrow to let him know how she’s doing, and then weekly check ups from then on out to see if the medication helps or if we need to switch to something else. (He’d mentioned another type of seizure medication but I dont remember the name)


I’m a little concerned given the severity of her seizures that she may continue having them, and that she may have a brain tumor. Apparently you can’t treat brain tumors in dogs- Atleast not with chemo like humans. (And I wouldn’t be able to afford to anyways) He said that all we can do is treat the symptoms (seizures)


Here’s to hoping the medication works QwQ I’ll keep everyone updated, and after nearly 18 hours of stress and terrible sleep, I’m gonna be heading to bed for some rest. (And Bella too 💜)

THIS IS AWFUL TIMING I realize to be asking for more commissions on top of what I'll be taking for the costs of moving but Bella has had 5 seizures throughout the night and morning and I cannot in good conscience wait to take her to vet until after the move like originally planned.

I tried applying for CareCredit and was denied, so this is my last option. She's been having these seizures for a few months because the Vet originally said she's only having one a month and because they started during a time when I was moving to my parents back in December, he said they might go away and he wanted to wait and see. She has only been having one per month until now when she had one earlier in the month on the 11th and then 5 today, and I'm concerned she'll have more. These are grand mal seizures, and it's clear to me they're going to get worse if they continue to be left untreated.

If you would like to donate money my way, my paypal is ireviolence[at]yahoo.com

If you want to help by commissioning me, Commission prices are as follows:

Shaded Chibis - 20$
Flatcolor Single Character - 40$
Flatcolor Two Character (Spunky is available for Commission) - 70$
Shaded Single Character - $60$
Shaded Two Character - 100$

Please note or comment below if you're interested in helping Bella! ;^;

Hey guys! Its been a bit since I’ve last written an update Journal. I’ll try to keep things brief;

I’m moving out, and will be living in Savannah! I’ll be able to find a job and have access to public transport/walking distance stuff around me so I’ll be in a lot better position! With that being said, it’s quite expensive to move and currently I’m meeting with a couple on the 23rd. If that doesn’t work out, I’ll be moving in with a guy who’s already agreed to let me move in, but has forewarned me he’s selling the house so I would only be able to stay for a few months likely if it sells quickly, and I’d rather a more long term option. If the meetup with the couple on the 23rd works out, I’ll be looking to move in the 1st, but if they don’t, I’ll be moving in with the guy. Either way I’m moving and things may be a bit rocky at first, but I’ll be doing my absolute best to settle in and find a job!

I’ll likely be doing a lot of streaming to make money for the stream and would like to apologize to the current waiting commissions. I’m still going to be working on them as well, albeit slowly. (And when I have a job, I’ll be in a better position to just give refunds instead as well if preferred.)

The expenses will only be 600-650 depending on who I live with so not at all too expensive so I figure with a good waitressing job I’ll easily make the money for rent n utilities and have enough extra to pay back those I owe. This isnt my resignation as a furry artist, however! I’d just like a regular job to supplement my income and focus on making more original works for myself and bettering my skills and its a lot easier to do that when not doing commissions.

Also, smaller more recent update, I know a few people are waiting on smaller comms from me and I apologize they werent finished as soon as expected! My tablet cord has been dying and it finally kicked the bucket the other day, so I bought a new one. It should be here in just a few days!


I think that’s it. Onward to a better 2019! I’m so ready to move forward with my life, thank you everyone for your continued support!! <3

I think I really need an opportunity to live in a bigger city, where I can walk to places instead of need a car (or atleast have Uber) since my car and driver's license situation isn't working out, I've had too much shit happening and some personal issues happening between my family that's mostly made this whole endeavor pointless and I'm feeling stuck again.

I'm not sure that this is wholly the best option, but I also think it's worth looking into, as I find the idea of trying to move out to a big city and living all on my own a bit intimidating.


So, is there anyone out there with an extra room I could room in? I would pay my portion for rent/amenities/food and such.


I do have two small dogs that would come with me though, so it would have to be pet friendly. I would pay the pet deposits for them.


If you're interested, note me?

I made it some time ago, but now I'm actually gonna start using it, good place for posting polls and dumping doodles.

Check it out! https://twitter.com/Spunky_Mutt/sta.....42303904866305

Hey guys, I know I've been radio silence and hard to get in contact with as of recent. This past year has been rough on me- Particularly the second half after coming back to Georgia. I've struggled after a breakup to find my sense of self and identity, and that has stretched into my art as well, making it difficult to work. It's left me overall depressed.


But this Update journal is more than just a "I'm sorry I've been gone, I'm depressed"- I've made a decision that I'm hoping will change me for the better and get me started towards me making strides to having the kind of life I'd like to have.

Because of my situation of living with James and where we live, it makes it too hard for me to get a job or even learn how to drive, and because I cannot sustain a living wage on my art any longer due to mental health problems, I spent some time looking into any options that will allow me to move forward in life- Get a job, Go to college, and Get my driver's license.

I've already signed up for classes and college and will be starting January 7th. I'll be using part of the financial aid money I have to pay back on refunds I owe. (More on this later)

The classes are all online, so I don't have to worry about transportation too much if for whatever reason my living situation doesn't work out, it shouldn't affect my school.

Speaking of living situation, that brings me to the big decision: I've decided to move back in with my family for atleast 2 months. For those of you who are well acquainted with my family relations and past experiences, I can understand the immediate flare of concern some might have with that decision.

There's a few circumstances that makes me feel less concerned about the situation not working out. 1) My youngest sister no longer lives there. (This is a big personal problem rather than an actual PROBLEM problem, but if you know my family, you'd know she's a huge source of stress.) 2) I've learned to say no to my parents more easily, and furthermore, they understand I'm currently not making money and I'm broke, so they don't ask me for money anyways. 3) If worst comes to shove, I'll just be moving back in with James. (It's not even technically a full move, I just have some clothes, a blowup mattress, my dogs and my laptop with me. Most of my stuff is still at James' and I's place.)

That all being said, the biggest decision I'll be making that affects YOU GUYS is me deciding to no longer rely on my artwork for income. I'm going to be looking for a regular paying job, and working more slowly on owed commissions. I don't know how quickly I'll find a job, especially since it's so near the holidays, but hopefully it won't take me too long.

There's a big gray area between me finding a job and how I'm going to be handling commissions and my financial situation until I get said job (or financial aid, but that will be as early as the first week of February)

It's a gray area because I want to say that I can just keep working on my art until then, but I've been struggling for months now with my art and feeling satisfied with it. I think this is the worst burnout I've ever experienced, and I think it's also because of my current identity crisis + mental state. It's all bad right now and I'm trying to force my way through it but I just want everyone to know I'm struggling that please have patience with me.

I'm not leaving the furry fandom though, if anyone's worried about that, I think I'll always be drawing furry stuff, just that I need time to make art my own again....and less of a slave to make a living, yknow? <--- My art no longer feels like its mine and I feel my growth has been substantially stunted because of that, and so that's also contributing my identity crisis. I really really hope that's understandable?

At any rate, I'm also working on getting my driver's license. My mom has for the first time ever agreed to teach me, and it's been raining the past few days which really sucks, but yea.


I'm sorry if this isn't as coherent as my usual journals are when regarding updates, I know this is kind of messy and not altogether? I'm really sorry everyone, I'm just going through....The biggest change of my life right now I feel. I'm finding myself again and building myself up and art has always been such a huge part of my identity, and even that doesnt feel like it's mine anymore.

I can't keep just drawing furry porn and feeling happy with my art and myself, so I'm just gonna take a step back from it. Atleast from it as a job.


I WILL BE GIVING PEOPLE REFUNDS/ART BACK THOUGH, I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE AND JUST DISAPPEAR!!!

I have a Discord you can join, you can message me anytime with any questions/concerns. I will do my best to respond to any messages, just know that I may not have an appropriate answer. "I don't know for sure when I can get the art/refund done." Is the best I can do at the moment, as I'm not in a situation to give you exact dates/times for anything, other than the financial aid I'll be receiving next year, I otherwise have no idea when I'll get a job, or even how much I'd make, and how quickly I'll be working through my art until I do get that job. I know that that's a frustrating non-answer, but I don't want to make empty promises I know very well might be broken.

I tend to wait to respond to notes/messages until I know I can give them some sort of update instead of "I don't know" but I know the lack of communication is even worse, so I don't want to keep doing that to people.


It gives me a lot of anxiety and genuine grief when I have no real answer to give that I think will be satisfying, but it's the truth, and I want to be transparent. I'm trying to make the changes in my life to move forward and be better, and part of that is realizing I'm not cut out for living off my artwork. As always, I will make good on my promise to give back EVENTUALLY. That is the absolute best I can say. Hell, once I get a job, I can even maybe apply for a loan to speed up the refund process- Whatever I need to do to make sure I right the wrongs I've done.


At any rate, I'll keep you guys updated- If I get a job, or if something happens, etc. I haven't made any updates lately because my updates would've been nothing but "Hey, still feeling shitty, sorry"
But this time I actually am making the steps to move towards change and I hope that in the future, when all is said and done, I can make content you guys love and adore as much as I do, and I can be happy with my art again.



For those of you wondering why it took me so long to make this decision to get a job- It's not been an ideal situation for me, and moving into my parents house only just recently became an option because my youngest sister moved out. Until now, I've had no (working) car, no drivers license (still working on this), no taxi or transportation system available for me to use to GET to a job (James works mon-fri and sometimes saturday from 8am to 6pm, and I couldn't ask him to get off work just to drive me to work immediately and then pick me up from work when he has a job he has to sleep for. It would've been too much.)

My parents said they'd agree to drive me to work until I get a license only if I lived with them, otherwise they'd be driving 20 minutes just to pick me up + however long it'd take them to drive me to my job. The town James and I live in is TINY and that's why there's no public transportation option- 2200 population small.


At any rate, that's my plan. I hope that this update fills some with ease a little, as I know my radio silence and absence has left people unnerved and worried. I'm not going to lie, I haven't been well, but hopefully 2019 will be the year of Spunky- Brand new and recreated. I'm looking forward to being happy again.

I have a hurricane headed my way, and just in case I want to have some money to turn my phone on.

So I'm offering two colored sketches! (30$ per character)


1. -FINISHED-
2.
3.

Please comment below to claim with refs and details if you'd like a slot.

I will be working on these this weekend! (I don't think the storming will last until then, but in case it does, I will update you!)

ちんぽが食べたいでもわたしのおまんこがあなたはたべよなあ

Just watching Bojack Horseman's Season 5 that recently came out, actually I think it was a few weeks ago....But I've been kinda putting it off.


So right around this time last year, around august 20th, I actually broke up with my ex boyfriend of 8 years, and it was really, really hard on me. Mostly because the relationship developed so early in my life, that I never really got the chance to experience a lot of things growing teens usually do around that age. I was very much dedicated to making my dream of being with this boy in Canada come true, until well.. Things didn't go as planned.

Anyhow, it was during that time the the Season 4 of Bojack Horseman came up, and the break up scene with Diane and Mr.PeanutButter hit home so hard with me, because it's how I felt in my relationship with at the time. We fought constantly, and I felt I could only be happy if I tried really hard to look past all the blemishes and heartache, because well, damn I had put so much effort into the relationship.


Flash forward a year later, and after ending things with Clovar, I'm finally taking that time to be alone that I really /really/ needed, even if its causing me to down spiral a bit and hit my own personal rock bottom.
It's been rough and hard, and I've felt super directionless, not knowing where I want or need to even go.


And here I am, watching Bojack Horseman a year later, watching Diane go through a familiar problem just like me. We both were the ones who asked for the break up, but it's not like the decision didnt still hurt us.

I just think it's silly that I'm feeling.....comforted. By a cartoon character. Last year, the scene gave me some much needed reassurance, because I felt like I was ruining my life.

This year it's....giving my strength. Diane Nyugen is not a real person, by any means at all. But she's someone I can identify with, and it makes me feel the tiniest bit better seeing her realize that...I'll be okay alone. I will survive.



Just something small I wanted to share. I know that I've been really closed off from people lately and it's even causing my commissioners to get worried and even upset but I'm spending some time to work on myself, something I've been neglecting to do for the past.....9 years? It's really important for me to find myself right now, and it's hard. I'm working slowly, but I'm still going to do the work I owe. Just wanting to touch base a bit, since I actually have something worthwhile to say, I think.



It feels so silly to me to find comfort in this show, and a show like Bojack Horseman no less. A show that seems to love reveling in its own sadness and broken cast of characters, but it's so dear to me.

Being alone is....something that I have never had to truly face until I had made it my decision to be alone. So I can grow as a person.

I think as being a woman it is admittedly easier to find a partner, significantly I would say. For me, that’s meant I haven’t been “alone” (More on what alone means to me in a moment) since....the second grade? with a guy named Danny. (Maybe you remember him as the childhood friend that I lost last year to mental illness.) And when you wouldnt consider that very serious relationship, I jumped immediately into a relationship in 5th grade by “dumping” Danny to go out with a boy named Collon. (I actually dont remember how his name is spelt.) Looking back on it, he was the most insignificant relationship I was in terms of closeness. I dated him because he was funny and weird, just enough that he didnt have to feel embarassed by how weird I was. (I was an....odd child to say the least.) And when I was dating Collon, I was also going through many life problems. Bullying, parents fighting and cheating on each other, throwing me in the middle, finding out about my biological father and being used against my dad, my mom driving me away from home late hours of the night to leave me in the car while she cheated on my dad, honestly....the list goes on. I started becoming more isolated from my family, and at some point I became an angsty emo lil shit who believed the world was against her. I met Sam online, the guy I broke up with last year. We fed off of each others negativity, though it didnt appear that way at first. The relationship lasted for 8 years and during that time I rejected having other relationships (though I at one point had a “fake” relationship with my friend James to satiate my mom.) and most oppurtunities to experiment, have genuine friendships, do things in general, , party,....etc. I was glued to my computer and completely at the will of my long distance relationship, to feel that I wasnt alone like I felt anytime I was away from my computer and reminded the partner I had was over 1000 miles away in another country with no easy way to just “be” with him. I struggled hard for the relationship against my parents, I was so sure that the relationship with this guy online was worth everything I gave up for it. I became obsessed with feeling needed with somebody. I could never for a second imagine my life without him being somewhere in it. Moving forward to the heart breaking moment when I realized the toxicity of the relationship, I pulled away. Originally I had no intentions of being with Chad, but fear of being alone, and his promise to come to America so we wouldnt be long distance tantalized me enough to spend 3 months there and go back after a month of being in America for 6 MORE months. And honestly, they were a good time. I think Chad and I had a wonderful relationship, and if the circumstances were different I’d say the relationship could’ve lasted for a very long time.


However, I knew that I needed to be alone. I knew that long distance made me unhappy because it put such mental strain on me from the way I treat it- I would give anything and put myself in unfavorable financial situations to be with my partner. That physical closeness was all I could ever need and want. And yet, I know that feeling that way- Feeling like I NEED someone, is utterly wrong. I would give up anything to accomplish having a successful relationship, give up any plans or desires of my own to make things work. I’m like that. I give it my all.


Ultimately, I recognize that I fear being alone. Because that means, regardless of friends, there’s not a single person in my life that’s chained to me. (And thats not what a healthy relationship is like either.) I think relationships in general have warped my sense of self. I no longer feel like I have any direction or anything- I feel completely lost. I think because I’ve always put my relationships first, figuring out my life was always easily lined up with whatever my partner wanted, and I would work around that and whatever best suited that path. Art is a huge part of my being and I cannot even think of a single thing I want to draw- And now in the rare moments where I do, I want to cry. I dont want to draw. At this point in life I realize I’ve never been my own single person. And people who know me think of me as a strong individual with her own ideals and wants and goals. But I’m not. And I havent been for nearly the entirety of my life. I feel so torn at the seams because for the first time ever: I can do whatever I want and not have to think about how it’ll affect someone else. (Sparing my friends and family of course, but that’s not exactly what I mean.)

I have no idea what these feelings are at times, when I’m trying to relax and read or write or watch a show, I feel terrible knots in my stomach and my chest gets so tight that I start feeling like I’m going to sob my heart out. When I think of doing anything I’m bitterly filled with negative feelings and thoughts about it. What do I want? Who do I want to be? I have absolutely no fucking idea at all. I know I’m interested in doing so many things but that doesnt make things any clearer. At this point in time I cant even muster pride in my art- And that is truly quite scary. I hate everything about drawing right now. What even is stopping me from drawing?


In this Journal my only point is to emphasize how I’m terrified of being alone but knowing that its the single most needed thing in my life right now. I’m sorry for doing this now but dealing with everything else made me crumble and now I just want to be better, with fresh resolve and knowing who I am and what I want.


I dont know how to make this happen or when it’ll happen. Maybe I should see a therapist honestly but I dont have the money for that heh...

Um, well anyways. Here’s a final thought and question: What do you do when you’ve lost sense of self and individuality?

Good news; Today I finished paying off my paypal loan and applied for another! I was accepted for 3000$

Unfortunately that did not cover ALL of my refunds, and for the rest of them my intention is to work them through colored sketches streams and/or adoptables.

This is a good step in the right direction and I have a sense of accomplishment which feels good. I hope that this is proof of my determination to make things right with everyone, and I so appreciate the support and understanding I've received from everyone!


Although I'm still going through a rough time and dealing with my personal happiness, recent break up, and all that comes with the feelings of " What am I doing with my life? "
I'm still spending some time recovering from all of that, and hope that everyone can understand and give me time to recover.

I'm going through with making the steps towards making my life better. I forget if I mentioned, but my roommate James finally got a job and started today!

Anyhow, I'm hoping soon I'll feel better. Here's to a better, brighter future! <3

I want to say that Im very sorry to everyone right now waiting on commissions or refunds. Up until this point I’ve kept a steady pace with my commission work but lately I’ve felt more depressed about my art and life in general than I ever have.

Last night I broke up with Clovar, and Im dealing with the feelings that come with that on top of everything else.

With my art, I feel so disappointed in myself to not see the improvement I want to see, or the ability to draw the things I want, or even put passion elsewhere in my life. Plushies, animations, writing....I want to do them, but cannot. I know a lot of you will say “ Just do more than one thing in a day “ but you see, I really struggle with that. I’m a person who does their best when I focus on one thing at a time.

Furry art is sucking the life away from me it feels; Specifically drawing for other people (which is more often than not porn). Im hoping to get a job so I can stop relying on Commissions. I want to do something else so I dont feel tied down with my creative freedom.

Good news is I’ve paid off my Paypal loan and will be able to apply for a new one and send out refunds, as well my roommate James has a job now so I have less burden thrusted on my shoulders.


At this point in time I dont have any other way of making money and I have obligations the art I’ve taken already, but for the time being I’d like everyone to understand my situation and give me time to recover. I’ve honestly only ever felt more depressed once, and if you know me, I dont get this way often. I wouldnt be writing a journal if I knew I would be okay in a few days. I’ve been like this for...3-4 days now and usually I only have a day or two where I feel sad and then I jump right back. Right now I dont even see how I can be happy, life in itself, makes me sad. I havent been eating nearly as much as usual, and then last night I was binge eating out of a tub of ice cream haha...


Im trying to make some healthy changes in my life right now, and one was making myself my own person. I hope everyone will understand that Im trying to make myself better. I want to be happy, and that means I have to make changes. I’m not throwing in the towel for furry art, honestly I dont think I’ll ever stop drawing furries. But making it my only source of income isnt what I want. It shackles an artist. I honestly dont know how some artists are able to do this for years and years and years. I’ve been drawing furry stuff for only 3ish and I’m already getting to a point where it makes me never want to draw again. I feel so unhappy with my art.



I’m rambling. I just wanted to let everyone know why I’ve suddenly disappeared. I have a lot of notes and comments I havent responded to- Im sorry but it may be a few more before I answer them.

Hey guys, I wanted to let you know that I've made a Ko-Fi that I will be using to post content of BNHA!

https://ko-fi.com/spunkymutt
https://ko-fi.com/spunkymutt
https://ko-fi.com/spunkymutt

Content will be released there for and released later! Please take a look, thank you! ♥

Content will SFW, adult content is not allowed. The NSFW marker is for mild gore.

EDIT: No longer accepting new Iron Artist slots. Current slots may be delayed for up to two weeks currently. Please read recent journals regarding my current situation!


Hey guys, I'm trying this out again!

DETAILS
-You grab a slot, and I respond with a day!
-Commission is completed and sent to you on that day!
-Payment is upfront
-NO WIPs! Send ALL the information necessary and be specific!
-Artistic liberty works best for this type of Commission!

-COLORED SKETCH QUALITY
Example: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachme...../Doodle476.png
-25$ per character!
-Light Hyper is allowed ( I know some of you are wondering; Here's an example of how big I'm willing to draw right now: https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachme...../Doodle477.png )

COMMENT BELOW WITH THIS FORM FILLED OUT IF YOU'D LIKE A SLOT!
Number of Characters:
References:
Details:
Paypal:

[You can also note me!]

If you're slot is accepted, I will respond with a message asking for payment to be sent to ireviolence[at]yahoo.com ~

I've done Iron Artists in the past and they have been very successful! They help keep me focused every day. c:

[SLOTS]
1.  pacmaner100 -DONE-
2.  breezy-kun -DONE-
3.  kusuguttai -DONE-
4.  pornography -DONE-
5.  inukipuppy -DONE-
6.  megaru. -DONE-
7.  megaru. -DONE-
8.  kyurov -DONE-
9.  arylon-lovire -DONE-
10.  ezrielmuhkayo -DONE-
11.  kazudanefonfon -DONE-
12.  breezy-kun

EDIT: No longer accepting new Iron Artist slots. Current slots may be delayed for up to two weeks currently. Please read recent journals regarding my current situation!