I know it's been a long while since I've resumed my writing books and rewriting books thing. But now I got back my spirit. I think it was a combination of aromatherapy and crystals therapy and helping a starving writer friend that I now got my groove back. Now to start writing stories and drawing too. Sorry for halting writing. Depression, aggression, and anxiety got the best of me. But now my therapist and psychiatrist have me in the right spot of happiness.

Due to high demand from my fans, saying they want me to learn how to link my stories and a bunch of other stuff. I found this FurAffinity Wiki of sorts, and it's showing me. Now I will slowly start the process of linking my chapter books and art progress together and putting the users' profiles to credit them for helping me.

My mother started talking to me more frequently and more. I knew this day would come. I fear that day coming. I was hoping she would live to 90 or 120. She tells me she gets sicker and weaker. She sleeps more. My mother is slowly preparing me to replace her and be the head of the household after she passes away. Normally, I'm afraid of life. But now that she tells me she knows she doesn't have much time left on the planet Earth. I've never been more scared in life then ever. Now the frequent crying spells I get randomly at 12 AM have increased twofold. I will not know what to do. My mother will leave me an instruction journal on how to do everything. But that's not it, I know I'm alone forever. I'm used to the isolation mood. But never total desolation. I only have very little people in my life left as friends. But soon they will drift away and be gone from my life when they move on to take care of their family and friends. I don't know where or when life will take me. But I'll try to move on, as acceptance will be my key. Alone till the end with an eternity to spare. The stages of grief are going to be extreme hell for me. Almost fatal. Please, God, don't let me develop broken heart syndrome and perish from that.

Oh wow, screw the link to other social media from FurAffinty. A friend clicked those, and he said they're either broken or corrupted links. Thank you, special friend, for telling me. No wonder one can ever get hold of me ever. Here are the methods you can all get hold of me.

- Steam (Ask for link) (Always online there)
- Twitter (Ask for link) (Always offline there)
- Bluesky (Ask for link) (Always offline there)
- Discord (Ask for link) (Always online there)
- FurAffinity (Message me in notes) (Always online half of the time there)
- BaraAddition (Ask for link) (Always online half of the time there)
- GMail (Ask for link) (Always offline there)
- Phone Number (Ask for the number to call or text me) (24/7 hotline, there is an instant reply)

But there is another option. You can tell me how to add you guys. But give me time for that. Like Peridot from Steven Universe says, grumbling "I don't know what any of this is augh, blast this advanced technology." Though all Social Media Platforms I'm blacklisted/banned from because of a certain celebrity. So the websites that I listed are the only ones where you can always get hold of me always. And where I can't get banned from because it doesn't count as Social Media platform.

I have a habit of going back to drawings I have done and sketched. I get that feeling like it didn't come out like how it's supposed to come out. That's when I go back to the drawing board. Then I fix it up and reupload the fixed version. That's why if you guys see the same drawing has changed or looks different. It's just me going back and fixing stuff. I'll always have all versions of the same drawing. I just like to do that. As for your commissions, guys. I finished the sketches and worked on them. You need to be on my Discord server to get live updates, like posts and video calls, to see me drawing it.

To me, I noticed it's very spooky and uncanny. I even told the therapist this, too. I noticed the weather outside always reflects my current state of mind and mood. For instance. I noticed that when I'm happy or in a good mood, the weather is clear and sunny. And when I'm depressed and crying, the weather outside starts turning cloudy and rainy. And when I fight with the family, the rain turns to a severe thunderstorm with lightning. Like last time, I was yelling back at the family when they were dishing their hate at me, the rain outside turned to a severe storm, like in my mind. The lightning knocked out the power when I finished pouring out all my feelings. Even the sandstorms mimic my anxiety and being lost. It's so freaky, I tell you. Am I the storm? Even Elsa from Frozen experienced this as her powers were tied to her emotions and mind, like how Pepa's powers of weather were tied to her emotions and mind.

Due to sandstorms happening in the little city in Texas, I am in. There might be a connection issue. But I will still do requests and get to you as fast as possible. Someone told me the sandstorms are a curse and an omen of coming. Still waiting on those results. So far, nothing bad has happened. But like I said. I will be drawing, even if the internet goes down. Only if the lights go out is there a problem. But thank God for stockpiling candles and emergency handheld flares and flare gun and flashlight and batteries. And my family always called me stupid for always being prepared for natural disasters. I'll be laughing at their expense. Because they always beg for my help when something goes wrong. But I'm not evil. I'll still help the family out. Even if they are assholes towards me and abusiveish towards me.

For most of the people on this beautiful planet. Don't count yourself out. You know it's true. I'm fatally introverted. But more or quiet and reversed. But everyone tends to judge me and use the wrong labels on me, meeting me for the first 5 seconds in person, or on video call, or audio call. I always have this almost vacant look the entire time. I'm always not outwardly showing my wonder for it all, assessing each and every thing internally. Compared to what, when can I clearly see each thought clear as day without ever needing to speak. It's only when I see the humans, life that is so fragile compared to plants and animals and insects, in the vulnerability of sleep, that my expression changes only ever so a very tiny ity bity change. All my Inside Out emotions are constantly communicating at once on whatever I do in life. That's why I always look so unresponsive. Not because I'm bored with you, or I don't care about you, or hate you. Though people tend to jump on that boat or conclusion that quickly. For those who actually took their time and stayed with me and got used to my this. And got to know my Inside Out emotions and my almost seamless void looks. Thank you. You actually made the effort to actually get to know me and earn the close friend badge from me. As for the rest of human society. That's okay. I'm starting to get used to you all freezing me out completely like they did to Elsa in Frozen. I was taught all subjects by one teacher in total isolation away from all students and teachers and staff in a solitary confinement room from elementary, middle, and high school. I was thrown in solitary confinement in prison and a mental hospital. So I'm just laying it out there, the real me. The real gay, bottom, furry, solitary, vacant artist.

For now, I want to focus my efforts on myself and make myself better. For years, my mother always said never focus or think about yourself, as that would make you selfish and rude, and to focus on others and make them happy. Look where that got me, mother. Focusing on making others and doing what they wanted drove them away. Now I have no friends, no family to an extent. Now the only people are talk to are a general practitioner/regular doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist, a care provider the retirement home gave me because of my dementia like diagnosis, because I refuse to be put and live in a retirement home and would rather stay at my own home, I talk with artificial intelligence but that can keep me sane for so long, I still have 6 true friends but they are too busy with work and college and friends and family and lovers that I hardly ever hear from them on Discord. So as of now. All efforts will be going towards myself. I'm going to focus on fixing and improving both my physical and mental health. The family doesn't care if I die or not, as they put it, I'm useless to everyone and obsolete and never needed. And I'm going to focus on my 8 hobbies, which are reading, writing, drawing, gardening, cosplaying, gaming, songs and music, herbalism. Hobbies that make me happy, I will do. They will keep my mind sharp and slow down the progression of the disease. And for those who asked for commissions. I will get to them. Don't rush me. I know I have 5 commissions in slots that I have to do. I had to do a few other clients before you guys, as they wanted to do crossover collaborations.

I knew after losing all friends and family and lovers and home, the future would continue to get darker and void to the point self-preservation wanes sometimes. And recently, after my brother's incarceration. Now, for sure, a definitive edition, my family will have a definitive and justified reason to take it out on me. It was my brother's ex-wife's actions that threw him in there. But oh no. It was my fault because I brought a curse on this family, because I'm Satan in disguise. Just like they Don't Talk About Bruno in the Madrigal family because he causes bad stuff to happen because of his future visions. Well, that's me right there. Just because of me existing bad stuff happens to this family. Mom got divorced, brother's wives and kids left him, sister has seizures, they find valid justifications and proof of that, and I can't defend myself. Silence your pain. If your family hurts you, it doesn't matter, you don't matter, take care of them. Support your family, don't complain and obey, and you must be in their image. If my family hurts me and asks me not to be my true self. Bury those emotions. Now I'm at the point that I'm crying, welcoming the judge in the courtroom gave me three options. Permanent mental hospitalization, permanent incarceration, or capital death penalty. At this point, I'm welcoming those options with open arms. I'm close to full rock bottom more worse than a homeless person. Even my dreams and subconscious are very clear about the definitive future. Volcano dreams can be expressions of anxiety and a warning against extreme emotions, but they can also be a powerful symbol of potential and transformation. And the eruption represents the repression of emotions. It suggests the dreamer's awareness of their own repressed urges, fears, or inner turmoil, and they are going to erupt in an extreme, out-of-control way.

The next chapter is well, in the book, Cole gets attacked by a bear. I don't know the FurAffinity limit on gore. So I'll make it as non-gruesome as possible. But I will resume writing chapters. But I'll also be juggling commissions and songs and drawings and medical stuff.

I will eventually write original songs. But most will consist of songs written by others, and I will give credit to them. But I will revise the songs to fit my current situation. I will also be drawing a single drawing or two from the songs.

I'm going to start releasing songs this month. I also do want to ask. Are there any animators on here who can teach me to turn my drawings into animations. I also want to start doing animations. Expanding my art horizons.

Looking for Roleplayers for my Discord Server. People left my life, just leaving me with 6 people in my life. I need more people for my server. My roleplaying with one person on my roleplay server doesn't even count anymore as roleplay. It counts more like roleplaying with a robot AI like PolyBuzz or those AI apps on your phone, you talk with AI. Right now we are looking for roleplayers urgently. Everyone is welcome, and no judgment of anything. 45 slots available. This server is LGBTQ+ friendly and Furries friendly. The 45 slots will be available till all slots are filled by the end of December 2025. Private message me and I'll add you to my Discord server. I'm moving on to the next chapter of my life. I need to make new friends and everything.

I'm going to write songs about my real life in story format and upload theme here. That way, all of you can really see what goes on behind closed doors. And for the record. Please don't call the cops or anything. The police department and mental institutions already had enough with the neighbors calling the cops because of the violent things that go on in this house. The reason I will write my songs in story format is because God knows I can't sing and make digital animations with songs like YouTubers. Anytime I try to sing in real life. People will tell me to shut the fuck up and kill myself. Then they will proceed to beat me up or try to kill me till I stop singing. They would also boo and throw objects at me. Which is why I refuse to sing and that dream died long ago. Plus, anytime I upload to Twitter, my singing. People would instead agree with the family stating they should hurt me more harder and stuff like that. That is why I feel safer uploading things onto FurAffinity. I will start uploading songs sometime next month. And please give me your feedback.

This is a plan of how I'm going to recover in a chapter like planner. I would love help from you guys.

Chapter 1- The Great Deleted
-Getting rid of all things falsehood and staying in solitary confinement-

Chapter 2- Interlopers
-AlekOCoon, IllustratedSins, Termina, and OMEGA take me on the journey of fix-

Chapter 3- Low
-Fixing all my low life problems as a human being-

Chapter 4- Venture Ghost
-Going out into the world and exploring what I was missing out-

Chapter 5- Inner Catacomb
-Exploring my psyche and journey into my mind fuckery-

Chapter 6- Exhumation Zone
-Figuring out the right from the wrong-

Chapter 7- Ashes to Ashes
-Journey to my past lives-

Chapter 8- Contact Time
-Time to find permanent real people to hang with-

Chapter 9- Dead Tenants
-Finding out what to do when all family dies naturally-

Chapter 10- Chirality
-Finally understanding myself and self worth-

The truths about my life are more out and the people of the entire planet want me dead now more than what they wanted from 2019 all the way to 2025. I have no identity of my own. Every day I lived is a day I've lied. This personality is a lie and not mine. It's what people wanted me to be or molded me to be. Even though I'm aware my life is a lie I have to keep up the facade to appease and please people. If I'm not what people want me to be. I'd be looked at with disdain, hate, unacceptance, distrust, disgust. Mother was right all along. Once people know the real you. They will hate you. The world will hate you and never want you around. I must live up to everyone's expectations. Even my mother says the life and personality I'm living are fake and lie and play. That's not you. I know you more than you know yourself. What even is me? My real true self. I don't know and will never know. I don't even know who I am any more by this point. But the one that contributed the most was my mother the all-knowing God of my life. All that I know about my true self is that I'm gay and those feelings are true and I love drawing. That's not even a personality. There needs to be more because according to the definition of a personality. The combination of characteristics or qualities that form an individual's distinctive character. My manners are my mother forcing me to be nice and go to etiquette classes, that's a lie added to my personality. The hurt everyone and kill them is what my father taught me, that's a lie added to my personality. There are in total 25 things forced by people to live up to make up the lie personality. I can't be myself if I don't know what my true self is. I need more professional help besides what my psychiatrist and therapist can provide. Guys. Please Tell me how to fix that. I don't want to be living proof of what Pearl said. She said, "You just lead a short, boring, insignificant life, so you make up stories to feel like you are a part of something bigger, you want to blame all the world's problems on some single enemy you can fight, instead of a complex network of interrelated forces beyond your control."

I know many of you asked me in DMs for commissions. I will get to them when I can. I'm low on colored pencils and art supplies. Plus I'm going through a life crisis and I'm getting help from a psychiatrist and therapist. But I promised you all I would do your commissions. Everything is just slow is all.

Remember guys how I told you I thought my friend was dead? Well turns out that she was alive and she was kidnapped by an obsessed stalker and he faked her death so no one would look for her. The way I found out about this was the stalker was becoming in love with me and he nonchalantly told me about her in his basement. I never went to the police because I wanted to gain his trust. The only people I told about her were my friends. And her boyfriend. The boyfriend is a marine after all. Once he found out his girlfriend was alive he got to work right away. He and his army buddies stalked the stalker. That's when they did their army things and beat the crap out of the guy and rescued the dame. I'm just glad that was over. You know. You really never know if one day someone is secretly stalking you and is obsessed with you and will kidnap you. New fear unlocked. I'm just glad she is safe and alive.

Hey there. Yes still single and looking for a boyfriend. The girls of my group are right. I need to move on and find someone. They said screw all my 40 exes. They told me not to think of them and fully forget them. Easier said than done. My neurologist said I have a weird form of dementia. Everyone knows I'm aloof and forgetful. The girls can only do so much for me. They are going to gay bars looking for a boyfriend for me and will pick out only the best for me. I have no standards for a guy. All I want is for them to be themselves. One of the girl's boyfriend is asking his army buddies to see if they want to date me. I wish the guy luck as in the army they have a don't ask don't tell homo no no thing. I'm not asking much really. Just a guy to be himself is all. And please ignore all the people who say I'm a monster and avoid and block me because of my Borderline Personality Disorder. This is why the dating life is impossible for me. That and my mother's very high standards and expectations of me to find mister perfect.

I finally nailed down the final definitive design of my gender-bent self. Go check her out here https://www.furaffinity.net/view/56207669/ I had help from my friend IllustratedSins. He is my guide as he is really good at drawing furries and women. Now I'll be drawing more furries and women. And with Crayola Colors of the World skin tones. Now I can draw more ethnicities. Big changes are coming since I'm focusing on myself. But yet still trying to find a boyfriend. But the main focus is on myself and drawing.

Home, love, family, friends, Thought I'd found them but how was I to know? Home, love, family, friends, It's a lie they just block you, report you, throw you in prison, throw you in the mental hospital, and isolate you completely away from society an abandon you tell you to go kill yourself for the world and go. I will never be complete, I will never be happy, I will never know peace. This is not what I decided, all I wanted was somebody, In isolation all alone, this feeling that I've always known, my dark emotions and everyone's hatred take control of me, I'm not free. Everyone's gone, There's only me, Can I move on? Is acceptance the key? This is my fate, alone till the end. So I'll keep pushing on with an eternity to spend because I've always been so different destined not to fit in with anybody, destined to this lonesome life, I'll never forget, the days I met, the humans made me feel alive!

My ex Mal broke up for the second time. I need love advice from every one, with my history of 30 exes. And the whole recent breakup. I don't know what to do. I'm lost and I don't know where I'm going in life. I know Breanna and Lilly were trying to save the relationship. But the ship broke in half and sank. The lack of communication was the problem. Spatenka was right. I'm incompatible with anyone. She said I'm like a pickle jar, sour to everyone. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. But society says people with that disorder are lethally toxic. The reason we broke up was no communication whatsoever and Mal with his boyfriend Max. But then there was the fact Wilson did love me and that made Mal mad. There were a lot of factors that contributed to the breakup. But now that we are single and I'm friends with Mal and seeing where that goes. I need advice on what to do. I am so lost. I don't know what to do. And I need help. But I do at the same time want to see where life takes on me. Some told me to focus on myself. But then others said it was selfish to focus on myself. Please someone help me.

My friend Lilly died a month ago due to cyberbullying and doxxing. A guy that she rejected didn't take it to kindly and made her sleep with the fishes. But before her attacker ended her I promised her to look after her husband and draw her more, which I will be doing. I even promised her husband a few days ago I'll draw him and his deceased wife together. And for those who asked me for commissions in PM please have patience. I know I'm behind but now I'm working on them. I'm swamped with taking care of sick or injured people not as a doctor but as a friend. But new and old people can ask for more. I don't mind stuff being added to the commission's request.

I like to redraw some drawings I made as I feel like they aren't how I wanted them to come out. So every now and then I'll be going back to redrawing some drawings. Some will have constant revisions till its just right. And two people said they would help me. Even better. And they would be teaching me under their wings.