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General | Posted 3 months agoThis week was rich with valuable lessons, basically all of them positive, even if a few of them were rather painful to experience.
Since my last journal, I became fraught with a terrible worry that one day I would look up to find that everyone I care about has gone, moved on, and left me behind. A fire was lit under my tail like never before. I expressed my regrets about feeling as though I'm falling out of favor to one of my absolute dearest loved ones, and she had basically the same message as always:
Paraphrasing, "You're being silly, Cy. Nobody secretly hates you. Everyone loves when you're around. They like you, and they want to see you and hear from you and talk to you."
She had been struggling to reassure me of these things for over ten entire years. Hammering this message upon me like a blacksmith ... except the iron was cold and very resistant to receiving the direction to change its shape.
That's where this time was different.
Ever since beginning my current medication in mid-june, I have experienced ... lots of beneficial effects, actually--but the most relevant one to this development is what feels like increased flexibility and plasticity of mindset. So... metaphorically speaking, it is as if my iron was finally heated in a forge.
And thus, the blacksmith's blows have actually been able to SHAPE the iron.
Her reassurances, for the first time actually got through to me,
and the persistent delusion that had haunted me for years...
...simply vanished as if smoke in a gentle breeze.
Just like that, the anxiety that used to keep me from reaching out to those I love vanished.
From that very moment, I no longer felt hesitation, or as though I had to climb over a barrier, to just say hello.
The fatigue I used to feel when confronting the possibility of engaging socially was nowhere to be felt.
I ... was free.
I am free.
I went through my contact list realizing how terribly, agonizingly long it had been since last I had spoken to so many people I held dear. Once again, having unloaded and unpacked extraneous baggage that I had been carrying for so long that I'd forgotten it had taken up space or weighed me down at all, I suddenly had room to think, room to recognized the holes in me--each shaped like a long lost loved one or a crucial element of my moral compass--that had been previously blocked by pointless, irrelevant, maladaptive emotional scarring. One by one, I am picking up these pieces. One by one, I am reaching out to these people I've so dearly missed but had been unable to bring myself to talk to, one by one, finally ACTUALLY telling them how very much they REALLY mean to me, and how I TRULY feel about each of them, I was at long last able to relate to these precious individuals I've shamefully neglected for years what I appreciate, respect, and admire about them, and what I see OTHERS loving about them as well, telling them that I did not ever forget about them--which is true!--and that I have missed them most heartwrenchingly.
...and one by one, they welcomed me with open arms.
....
I cried.
Each day.
I wept in joyous catharsis--again able to FEEL things to which I had forgotten I'd grown numb over these cold, harrowing years.
I felt as though I had lived my whole life in a box buried under the dirt, and that for the first time, I was now tasting fresh air, and seeing the sky...
I felt
so
alive...!
And I still do.
I do not remember a time where I have felt more like ... myself. More whole than this.
In the course of reconnecting, I gained something I had resigned myself to never receive:
Closure about those particular people I would never see again.
The one I thought I loved, who turned out to be a shell, in particular.
I even reattained the ability to, without hesitation, tell those to whom I am romantically imprinted, that I love them. I love them unreservedly, wholeheartedly, unconditionally, that they owe me nothing and i am entitled to nothing but that I desire more than anything else to be by their side in any capacity, to support them, to nurture them, to encourage them. And, somehow, I am accepted as I am.
A few days later, I once again experienced a resurgence of the anxiety that once used to drive me into hiding by making me feel--erroneously--that I was unwanted, ignored, annoying, infuriating, distracting, about to be discarded or abandoned or banished, any number of terrible conclusions of psychological self-harm. But this time, I REFUSED to crawl into a hole and disappear. I REFUSED to return to that horrid old habit that stole me from all the people who mattered most to me. I stood my ground, despite feeling this avalanche of hardship trying to bury me alive, despite feeling like I had been only making my situation worse, despite feeling like I was driving those loved ones away with my toxic delusions. But I made it through. I made it through without ruining the bridges I had just rebuilt. I made it through without retreating.
Most importantly of all, I made it through with critical reconnaissance: I saw the face of my tormentor from within. I stared it in the eye. I named it.
The clarity my mind now possessed was now able, as never before, to perceive the causal connections:
Once--in June--was happenstance.
Twice--in August--was coincidence.
This third time, in September, exposed THE PATTERN:
It's so stupid. It's so simple. It's so insidiously disguised as innocuous.
This attack of emotional hallucinations is hormonal in nature.
It is triggered through metabolic interactions.
It happens EVERY TIME I INDULGE IN SUGAR.
I Shit You Not. If I consume, say, more than 3 or 4 12oz soda cans' worth of sucrose/fructose in a day, LIKE CLOCKWORK, NO MORE THAN 12 HOURS LATER, I will feel my mood precipitously CRASH. And for the next 24 hours after that, I will be helpless to waves of hostile emotional hallucinations that continue to batter me even though I know they are baseless and false.
I have been feeling better without it.
Everything, actually, has felt better, the longer I avoid sugar intake.
No acid reflux. No fatigue. No joint pain. No muscle soreness. A generally improved mood and disposition. Even more mental clarity than what my medication would have given me alone. Together, it is no wonder why I have made such a grand corrective redirection.
I hope that I shall never have to worry about running away from the people I love ever again.
I know what I must do.
And I shall do it.
Since my last journal, I became fraught with a terrible worry that one day I would look up to find that everyone I care about has gone, moved on, and left me behind. A fire was lit under my tail like never before. I expressed my regrets about feeling as though I'm falling out of favor to one of my absolute dearest loved ones, and she had basically the same message as always:
Paraphrasing, "You're being silly, Cy. Nobody secretly hates you. Everyone loves when you're around. They like you, and they want to see you and hear from you and talk to you."
She had been struggling to reassure me of these things for over ten entire years. Hammering this message upon me like a blacksmith ... except the iron was cold and very resistant to receiving the direction to change its shape.
That's where this time was different.
Ever since beginning my current medication in mid-june, I have experienced ... lots of beneficial effects, actually--but the most relevant one to this development is what feels like increased flexibility and plasticity of mindset. So... metaphorically speaking, it is as if my iron was finally heated in a forge.
And thus, the blacksmith's blows have actually been able to SHAPE the iron.
Her reassurances, for the first time actually got through to me,
and the persistent delusion that had haunted me for years...
...simply vanished as if smoke in a gentle breeze.
Just like that, the anxiety that used to keep me from reaching out to those I love vanished.
From that very moment, I no longer felt hesitation, or as though I had to climb over a barrier, to just say hello.
The fatigue I used to feel when confronting the possibility of engaging socially was nowhere to be felt.
I ... was free.
I am free.
I went through my contact list realizing how terribly, agonizingly long it had been since last I had spoken to so many people I held dear. Once again, having unloaded and unpacked extraneous baggage that I had been carrying for so long that I'd forgotten it had taken up space or weighed me down at all, I suddenly had room to think, room to recognized the holes in me--each shaped like a long lost loved one or a crucial element of my moral compass--that had been previously blocked by pointless, irrelevant, maladaptive emotional scarring. One by one, I am picking up these pieces. One by one, I am reaching out to these people I've so dearly missed but had been unable to bring myself to talk to, one by one, finally ACTUALLY telling them how very much they REALLY mean to me, and how I TRULY feel about each of them, I was at long last able to relate to these precious individuals I've shamefully neglected for years what I appreciate, respect, and admire about them, and what I see OTHERS loving about them as well, telling them that I did not ever forget about them--which is true!--and that I have missed them most heartwrenchingly.
...and one by one, they welcomed me with open arms.
....
I cried.
Each day.
I wept in joyous catharsis--again able to FEEL things to which I had forgotten I'd grown numb over these cold, harrowing years.
I felt as though I had lived my whole life in a box buried under the dirt, and that for the first time, I was now tasting fresh air, and seeing the sky...
I felt
so
alive...!
And I still do.
I do not remember a time where I have felt more like ... myself. More whole than this.
In the course of reconnecting, I gained something I had resigned myself to never receive:
Closure about those particular people I would never see again.
The one I thought I loved, who turned out to be a shell, in particular.
I even reattained the ability to, without hesitation, tell those to whom I am romantically imprinted, that I love them. I love them unreservedly, wholeheartedly, unconditionally, that they owe me nothing and i am entitled to nothing but that I desire more than anything else to be by their side in any capacity, to support them, to nurture them, to encourage them. And, somehow, I am accepted as I am.
A few days later, I once again experienced a resurgence of the anxiety that once used to drive me into hiding by making me feel--erroneously--that I was unwanted, ignored, annoying, infuriating, distracting, about to be discarded or abandoned or banished, any number of terrible conclusions of psychological self-harm. But this time, I REFUSED to crawl into a hole and disappear. I REFUSED to return to that horrid old habit that stole me from all the people who mattered most to me. I stood my ground, despite feeling this avalanche of hardship trying to bury me alive, despite feeling like I had been only making my situation worse, despite feeling like I was driving those loved ones away with my toxic delusions. But I made it through. I made it through without ruining the bridges I had just rebuilt. I made it through without retreating.
Most importantly of all, I made it through with critical reconnaissance: I saw the face of my tormentor from within. I stared it in the eye. I named it.
The clarity my mind now possessed was now able, as never before, to perceive the causal connections:
Once--in June--was happenstance.
Twice--in August--was coincidence.
This third time, in September, exposed THE PATTERN:
It's so stupid. It's so simple. It's so insidiously disguised as innocuous.
This attack of emotional hallucinations is hormonal in nature.
It is triggered through metabolic interactions.
It happens EVERY TIME I INDULGE IN SUGAR.
I Shit You Not. If I consume, say, more than 3 or 4 12oz soda cans' worth of sucrose/fructose in a day, LIKE CLOCKWORK, NO MORE THAN 12 HOURS LATER, I will feel my mood precipitously CRASH. And for the next 24 hours after that, I will be helpless to waves of hostile emotional hallucinations that continue to batter me even though I know they are baseless and false.
I have been feeling better without it.
Everything, actually, has felt better, the longer I avoid sugar intake.
No acid reflux. No fatigue. No joint pain. No muscle soreness. A generally improved mood and disposition. Even more mental clarity than what my medication would have given me alone. Together, it is no wonder why I have made such a grand corrective redirection.
I hope that I shall never have to worry about running away from the people I love ever again.
I know what I must do.
And I shall do it.
A short one
General | Posted 3 months agoWhy do I miss people who will not ever miss me...?
Why do I feel attachments that will never be reciprocated?
On the one paw, it's good to feel motivated to be kind and generous.
On the other paw... I have been used in the past. I have been used many times.
I wish I could make myself stop thinking about ... this person who hasn't spoken a word to me in 18 months.
This person that keeps returning to my thoughts no matter how many times those thoughts are dismissed.
This person who i loved as much as any one being can love another...
But it's not like i don't have my fair share of blame.
There's a reason I've been left behind.
It's because I was neglectful.
And it's also because I was suffering the most when they needed support the most.
Perhaps one might choose not to blame me for that.
But the fact remains that if I had been a worthwhile partner, I would have found a way to be there.
...
The inevitable conclusion of that statement being: I Am Not A Worthwhile Partner.
There are people whom I love right now... who know that I love them with all my heart, who know that I think about them every day, who know that my world revolves around them, who know that I would rather stop breathing than stop seeing them in my life.
But I am not a partner to any of them. Because I Am Not A Worthwhile Partner.
If someone's reading this and thinking, "damn, that's pathetic, this critter is too obsessed with bashing itself", I want to speak to that directly:
I'm not saying these things to bash myself. These statements are not coming from a place of criticism. Rather, they are coming from a place of caution. I am merely reminding myself that there are solid, logical, common sense reasons for why none of the people I am in love with do not reciprocate. And it's because what I CAN contribute to their lives in any meaningful way simply is not conducive to the role of ... being a safe recipient of their love. Instead... I've somehow managed to land in a position where these individuals accept me, even if they don't feel the same way I do. They ACCEPT that I love them, and they do not send me away.
...maybe that sounds like a raw deal to literally any other person on the planet. But to me ... it is my lifeline. Because without that... I wouldn't even be able to talk to them anymore. I still get to confide in them. They still listen to me and provide advice. There is still at least ... exchanges of intimate affection. I'm ALLOWED to love them as much as I do without losing them. Without becoming a threat that compromises their more important relationships. I can still TELL them I love them. And it still feels good to tell them I love them. I get to cherish every single moment I get to spend with any of them.
I'm not here to bash myself.
I'm not.
But I do need to know my role and stay in my lane. I'm a D-Rank character in their gacha game and I should count my lucky stars there's anything I'm good for at all and at least I don't get outright discarded and forgotten entirely. I get to still remain at least a small and insignificant part of their lives--
Except
for this
one
person...
I will very likely never hear their voice again. Never see their face again. Never tell them how beautiful they are again. Never get to tell them I love them again...
And gods help me...
...I really do still love them despite everything. u_u
Why do I feel attachments that will never be reciprocated?
On the one paw, it's good to feel motivated to be kind and generous.
On the other paw... I have been used in the past. I have been used many times.
I wish I could make myself stop thinking about ... this person who hasn't spoken a word to me in 18 months.
This person that keeps returning to my thoughts no matter how many times those thoughts are dismissed.
This person who i loved as much as any one being can love another...
But it's not like i don't have my fair share of blame.
There's a reason I've been left behind.
It's because I was neglectful.
And it's also because I was suffering the most when they needed support the most.
Perhaps one might choose not to blame me for that.
But the fact remains that if I had been a worthwhile partner, I would have found a way to be there.
...
The inevitable conclusion of that statement being: I Am Not A Worthwhile Partner.
There are people whom I love right now... who know that I love them with all my heart, who know that I think about them every day, who know that my world revolves around them, who know that I would rather stop breathing than stop seeing them in my life.
But I am not a partner to any of them. Because I Am Not A Worthwhile Partner.
If someone's reading this and thinking, "damn, that's pathetic, this critter is too obsessed with bashing itself", I want to speak to that directly:
I'm not saying these things to bash myself. These statements are not coming from a place of criticism. Rather, they are coming from a place of caution. I am merely reminding myself that there are solid, logical, common sense reasons for why none of the people I am in love with do not reciprocate. And it's because what I CAN contribute to their lives in any meaningful way simply is not conducive to the role of ... being a safe recipient of their love. Instead... I've somehow managed to land in a position where these individuals accept me, even if they don't feel the same way I do. They ACCEPT that I love them, and they do not send me away.
...maybe that sounds like a raw deal to literally any other person on the planet. But to me ... it is my lifeline. Because without that... I wouldn't even be able to talk to them anymore. I still get to confide in them. They still listen to me and provide advice. There is still at least ... exchanges of intimate affection. I'm ALLOWED to love them as much as I do without losing them. Without becoming a threat that compromises their more important relationships. I can still TELL them I love them. And it still feels good to tell them I love them. I get to cherish every single moment I get to spend with any of them.
I'm not here to bash myself.
I'm not.
But I do need to know my role and stay in my lane. I'm a D-Rank character in their gacha game and I should count my lucky stars there's anything I'm good for at all and at least I don't get outright discarded and forgotten entirely. I get to still remain at least a small and insignificant part of their lives--
Except
for this
one
person...
I will very likely never hear their voice again. Never see their face again. Never tell them how beautiful they are again. Never get to tell them I love them again...
And gods help me...
...I really do still love them despite everything. u_u
Living. By some definitions.
General | Posted 3 months agoJournal entry?
Okay. Journal entry. Wednesdays are good for that.
I have this job where I work overnight on weekends.
I babysit an empty building waiting for a phone to ring.
When the phone rings, someone's calling with a problem on the road.
And if it's something we can help with, I will send a solution in a truck.
Also contingent upon if payment has been secured.
The biggest thing I seem to bring to the table is that I am willing to be here on the days, during the hours, that no one else wants.
At a desk, with a comfy chair, before a computer, in a literal basement (the office is a split-level), in the dark, all night long, for the whole weekend.
I apologize if this is redundant, but I want to make this absolutely, unquestionably clear:
My Inner Goblin Is LIVING THE DREAM.
I am in goblin mode, all day, every day.
And I shall tell you, if not for these very specific circumstances, I cannot imagine that I would be alive right now. If my job were something that suited me any less, I would not have been able to AFFORD TO LIVE. I would be incapable of paying the bills and taxes that allow me to live in this house and keep it in the family name and NOT under the ownership of some foreign fucking billionaire's predatory shit-sucking scumbag real estate holdings firm like Blackrock.
Let alone would I have managed to keep such a job for 7 years, get on the company health plan, get on the company retirement plan, receive access to a SECOND 40-hour set of paid vacation hours per year, and receive raises--actual honest to the gods raises.
Now that I have so much experience, it's possible I could hypothetically earn more working elsewhere. But every time that thought crosses my mind, the very next thought is to laugh it off, because there is no job that WOULD pay me enough to leave this one--as I would not leave it for any less than $250,000.00 per year >_> because I have freedom at this job. Freedom with my time, and my thoughts, and my activities. Latitude. Agency! Between tasks, they have ever so patiently permitted me to ... well, do basically anything. Watch youtube / pirated anime / twitch streams; chat with friends on Discord; doomscroll social media... and then there's the work/life balance:
When I clock out, I get to leave my job at my job. I don't have to take anything home with me and my time off is mine and mine alone. Working 10 hours each night, four nights in a row, has given me three days off right in the middle of the week. Not only is it conveniently an adorable crying wolfy face (TWT), but Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday off mean that I never have to miss work-hours for medical appointments, bank stuff, postal things, utility service related activities...
Oh, the technician will be around sometime between 10am and 4pm? FAN. FUCKING. TASTIC. I'll hang out in the living room that day so I'll be close to the door to answer it.
So yeah. Wednesdays are a good day to reflect on things.
This week was a bit stressful. The weekend phase (I conceptualize my weeks STARTING on Friday Nights because of my job) suffered from less than optimal sleep during the preceding days, and the nights were uniquely afflicted with an abundance of tasks and a shortage of resources with which to address said tasks. A towing company is responsible for removing vehicles whose operators have been arrested when it's a pullover/traffic stop, or removing vehicles that cannot move on their own following an accident. In the post-industrial rustbelt town across the river from me, people were uniquely stupid this past weekend. Maybe because it was labor day weekend? Well! Several messy accidents with toxic car-juice spillage. Ohhh the number of noxious fluids coursing through those machines... It's a real pickle if too much of that sludge seeps into the ground. Those cars need to be stored indoors where there's some sort of fluid catchment system in place to contain it. Containment Bays is the term my job uses. and ALL OF OURS WERE FULL BY SUNDAY. We had to start stowing cars in the body and paint shop, and in the mechanical shop too! All that happening while two tow truck drivers were on leave due to persistent injuries, one was on vacation, another was occupied with fire department duties, and a THIRD just plain didn't show up!
What a grand old time THAT was.
But I'm only being partially sarcastic, because: it was at least engaging and entertaining. Even when my job is stressful, I still enjoy it.
But it taxes me.
And by Tuesday morning (that's another bonus of TWT off--mondays are sometimes eaten by federal holidays!), having clocked out, I had yet one more daunting task immediately ahead of me:
A meeting at a bank.
I was interested in seeking some debt consolidation.
I'd taken a trip with some very dear souls to me in 2024 and allowed myself to tap into the 'emergency' credit card when certain extenuating circumstances arose that would have made our time together not quite as nice, and then AFTER that trip there were other expenses that cropped up pertaining to car maintenance and house maintenance. Thank goodness the card was there because if allowed to get worse it would have cost much more in the long run. By the end of 2024, that card was maxed out. All 2025, I have been paying it off. And I'd been paying MUCH MORE than what they even asked me to. The bill WAS usually only requiring a minimum of $150 or so... but I was looking at the overall credit limit, dividing that big number by ten, and chunking off a WHOLE TENTH of its debt every single month.
And yet... progress did not seem to be progressing. We're almost to the 9th month since then. 9 x 10% = 90%, but the card had only barely reached a little more than 50% paid off. So I did some sniffing around.
THESE. MOTHER. FUCKERS. JACKED. MY. INTEREST. RATE. TO. FORTY. GODS. DAMNED. PERCENT.
THAT'S OUTRIGHT FUCKING EXTORTIONATE.
THAT'S LOAN SHARK TERRITORY.
THAT'S OOPS I BORROWED FROM MONEY LAUNDERING ORGAN HARVESTERS AND NOW THE INTEREST THEY WANT TO COLLECT IS ONE OF MY FUCKING LUNGS.
My credit score isn't even BAD!
WHAT THE FUCK.
Thus, the necessity of a meeting with my dear Credit Union,
to whom I would much RATHER owe money than
THOSE GOD DAMNED SWINDLERS.
Well, guess what.
...It worked!
I've consolidated to a single line of credit that will only charge me barely more than a third of the interest I was paying prior. Down from 40% to 14%. And that's not all. I'm knocking out a few other debts to at this much lower rate, and I'll be able to pay it all with one monthly payment instead of a few separate ones. Now look, I know 14% isn't great. It's not down to the single digits like my folks used to be able to get. But from where it HAD been, I'm a lot better off. Adulting sucks. But at least I got it to suck a little less.
By the end of that, I was COOKED. Like, mentally. Emotionally. I once again succumbed to autopilot and went adrift.
It being a Tuesday, I'm allowed to eat whatever the hell I want and my hedonism dragged my limp carcass to a d'Angelo sandwich shop for a lobster roll that they have available temporarily right now. Yeah, I know, a chain restaurant is aggressively mid, but I was compromised and running very low on fucks-to-give. It was time for a guilty pleasure. Somehow I managed to wrest some self-control together for one last nudge of sanity and got the small option instead of the largest. And it was alright. Feast of champions /s. But no, joking aside, it did actually manage to hit the spot. My little victory celebration. Nothing left to worry about all day.
And the whole rest of the day I SLEPT. AND SLEPT. AND SLEPT. and nearly missed my evening medication dose. AND SLEPT. AND SLEPT.
It's strange for me to sleep through the night, but I did. I hadn't realized just how drained i was until I collapsed in the bed. On top of all that I got up late today and nearly missed my morning medication dose too. But it's alright. I'm feeling ever so slightly better today. It's only ... hm, probably gonna be 4:30 pm by the time i finish this journal. I'm hoping to clean up, get out of the house, and do a little grocery-run. Apparently A&W has this hot fudge sundae limited edition flavor available recently and it'd be nice to snag a 12-pack or so.
I haven't completed any artworks lately but there are a few irons in the fire and I've rather liked a few sketches of my flagship fursona that i'm hoping to develop into an actual portrait, and replace that picture of poor old Stone Taggart. Yeah, this profile is still named Stonehawk, which was his signature when he was still fronting the pilot seat of this meatbag body I live in... but in posterity, out of appreciation for a soul that I still presently regard fondly as an 'old friend', I can't bring myself to abandon the name again. Not after I'm finally back.
Anywho. Enough dawdling. I have the ability to make decisions and follow through on them, and I think it's just about time I do that right now :3
ciao~!
--Cy
Okay. Journal entry. Wednesdays are good for that.
I have this job where I work overnight on weekends.
I babysit an empty building waiting for a phone to ring.
When the phone rings, someone's calling with a problem on the road.
And if it's something we can help with, I will send a solution in a truck.
Also contingent upon if payment has been secured.
The biggest thing I seem to bring to the table is that I am willing to be here on the days, during the hours, that no one else wants.
At a desk, with a comfy chair, before a computer, in a literal basement (the office is a split-level), in the dark, all night long, for the whole weekend.
I apologize if this is redundant, but I want to make this absolutely, unquestionably clear:
My Inner Goblin Is LIVING THE DREAM.
I am in goblin mode, all day, every day.
And I shall tell you, if not for these very specific circumstances, I cannot imagine that I would be alive right now. If my job were something that suited me any less, I would not have been able to AFFORD TO LIVE. I would be incapable of paying the bills and taxes that allow me to live in this house and keep it in the family name and NOT under the ownership of some foreign fucking billionaire's predatory shit-sucking scumbag real estate holdings firm like Blackrock.
Let alone would I have managed to keep such a job for 7 years, get on the company health plan, get on the company retirement plan, receive access to a SECOND 40-hour set of paid vacation hours per year, and receive raises--actual honest to the gods raises.
Now that I have so much experience, it's possible I could hypothetically earn more working elsewhere. But every time that thought crosses my mind, the very next thought is to laugh it off, because there is no job that WOULD pay me enough to leave this one--as I would not leave it for any less than $250,000.00 per year >_> because I have freedom at this job. Freedom with my time, and my thoughts, and my activities. Latitude. Agency! Between tasks, they have ever so patiently permitted me to ... well, do basically anything. Watch youtube / pirated anime / twitch streams; chat with friends on Discord; doomscroll social media... and then there's the work/life balance:
When I clock out, I get to leave my job at my job. I don't have to take anything home with me and my time off is mine and mine alone. Working 10 hours each night, four nights in a row, has given me three days off right in the middle of the week. Not only is it conveniently an adorable crying wolfy face (TWT), but Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday off mean that I never have to miss work-hours for medical appointments, bank stuff, postal things, utility service related activities...
Oh, the technician will be around sometime between 10am and 4pm? FAN. FUCKING. TASTIC. I'll hang out in the living room that day so I'll be close to the door to answer it.
So yeah. Wednesdays are a good day to reflect on things.
This week was a bit stressful. The weekend phase (I conceptualize my weeks STARTING on Friday Nights because of my job) suffered from less than optimal sleep during the preceding days, and the nights were uniquely afflicted with an abundance of tasks and a shortage of resources with which to address said tasks. A towing company is responsible for removing vehicles whose operators have been arrested when it's a pullover/traffic stop, or removing vehicles that cannot move on their own following an accident. In the post-industrial rustbelt town across the river from me, people were uniquely stupid this past weekend. Maybe because it was labor day weekend? Well! Several messy accidents with toxic car-juice spillage. Ohhh the number of noxious fluids coursing through those machines... It's a real pickle if too much of that sludge seeps into the ground. Those cars need to be stored indoors where there's some sort of fluid catchment system in place to contain it. Containment Bays is the term my job uses. and ALL OF OURS WERE FULL BY SUNDAY. We had to start stowing cars in the body and paint shop, and in the mechanical shop too! All that happening while two tow truck drivers were on leave due to persistent injuries, one was on vacation, another was occupied with fire department duties, and a THIRD just plain didn't show up!
What a grand old time THAT was.
But I'm only being partially sarcastic, because: it was at least engaging and entertaining. Even when my job is stressful, I still enjoy it.
But it taxes me.
And by Tuesday morning (that's another bonus of TWT off--mondays are sometimes eaten by federal holidays!), having clocked out, I had yet one more daunting task immediately ahead of me:
A meeting at a bank.
I was interested in seeking some debt consolidation.
I'd taken a trip with some very dear souls to me in 2024 and allowed myself to tap into the 'emergency' credit card when certain extenuating circumstances arose that would have made our time together not quite as nice, and then AFTER that trip there were other expenses that cropped up pertaining to car maintenance and house maintenance. Thank goodness the card was there because if allowed to get worse it would have cost much more in the long run. By the end of 2024, that card was maxed out. All 2025, I have been paying it off. And I'd been paying MUCH MORE than what they even asked me to. The bill WAS usually only requiring a minimum of $150 or so... but I was looking at the overall credit limit, dividing that big number by ten, and chunking off a WHOLE TENTH of its debt every single month.
And yet... progress did not seem to be progressing. We're almost to the 9th month since then. 9 x 10% = 90%, but the card had only barely reached a little more than 50% paid off. So I did some sniffing around.
THESE. MOTHER. FUCKERS. JACKED. MY. INTEREST. RATE. TO. FORTY. GODS. DAMNED. PERCENT.
THAT'S OUTRIGHT FUCKING EXTORTIONATE.
THAT'S LOAN SHARK TERRITORY.
THAT'S OOPS I BORROWED FROM MONEY LAUNDERING ORGAN HARVESTERS AND NOW THE INTEREST THEY WANT TO COLLECT IS ONE OF MY FUCKING LUNGS.
My credit score isn't even BAD!
WHAT THE FUCK.
Thus, the necessity of a meeting with my dear Credit Union,
to whom I would much RATHER owe money than
THOSE GOD DAMNED SWINDLERS.
Well, guess what.
...It worked!
I've consolidated to a single line of credit that will only charge me barely more than a third of the interest I was paying prior. Down from 40% to 14%. And that's not all. I'm knocking out a few other debts to at this much lower rate, and I'll be able to pay it all with one monthly payment instead of a few separate ones. Now look, I know 14% isn't great. It's not down to the single digits like my folks used to be able to get. But from where it HAD been, I'm a lot better off. Adulting sucks. But at least I got it to suck a little less.
By the end of that, I was COOKED. Like, mentally. Emotionally. I once again succumbed to autopilot and went adrift.
It being a Tuesday, I'm allowed to eat whatever the hell I want and my hedonism dragged my limp carcass to a d'Angelo sandwich shop for a lobster roll that they have available temporarily right now. Yeah, I know, a chain restaurant is aggressively mid, but I was compromised and running very low on fucks-to-give. It was time for a guilty pleasure. Somehow I managed to wrest some self-control together for one last nudge of sanity and got the small option instead of the largest. And it was alright. Feast of champions /s. But no, joking aside, it did actually manage to hit the spot. My little victory celebration. Nothing left to worry about all day.
And the whole rest of the day I SLEPT. AND SLEPT. AND SLEPT. and nearly missed my evening medication dose. AND SLEPT. AND SLEPT.
It's strange for me to sleep through the night, but I did. I hadn't realized just how drained i was until I collapsed in the bed. On top of all that I got up late today and nearly missed my morning medication dose too. But it's alright. I'm feeling ever so slightly better today. It's only ... hm, probably gonna be 4:30 pm by the time i finish this journal. I'm hoping to clean up, get out of the house, and do a little grocery-run. Apparently A&W has this hot fudge sundae limited edition flavor available recently and it'd be nice to snag a 12-pack or so.
I haven't completed any artworks lately but there are a few irons in the fire and I've rather liked a few sketches of my flagship fursona that i'm hoping to develop into an actual portrait, and replace that picture of poor old Stone Taggart. Yeah, this profile is still named Stonehawk, which was his signature when he was still fronting the pilot seat of this meatbag body I live in... but in posterity, out of appreciation for a soul that I still presently regard fondly as an 'old friend', I can't bring myself to abandon the name again. Not after I'm finally back.
Anywho. Enough dawdling. I have the ability to make decisions and follow through on them, and I think it's just about time I do that right now :3
ciao~!
--Cy
Well. That was interesting.
General | Posted 3 months agoYup.
Here I am.
Over a decade later.
Somehow, by some miracle, I'm drawing again. I have no worldly idea how long this will last, if it indeed does at all.
I'd sure like to keep drawing. Maybe if the meds hold up.
Wellbutrin and Strattera have been a godsend.
Well. We'll see.
---
edit:
good gods above and below reading my old journal entries
was
a
m i s t a k e .
... the times when i was unmedicated, i truly had been arrested in my development. things i wrote when i was 24 read like they were written by a 16 year old. I'm probably still stunted now and stuck with a maturity level no higher than a twenty year old. i keep mindful of that, because... it really does hold you back. It's hard to be taken seriously when I act so immature all the time.
I truly can't blame anyone who brushed me off for a foolish waste of time >_>;
I really hadn't comprehended how much I'd hamstrung myself by neglecting proper psychiatric treatment.
So many stupid silly mistakes. So many missed chances and spoiled opportunities. I don't even know if I'd be capable of helping anyone else avoid them.
If anyone does read this, and you happen to have some form of attention deficit... please, please, please do not hesitate on getting medicated. You don't have to suffer like this. You don't have to struggle like this. You can, in fact, be more capable. It is, legitimately, a disability that warrants the affordance of aid. There's crucial parts missing from us that leave us less functional than others and a selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor could be the difference between languishing in a helpless loop for a decade or more and actually getting your life off the ground.
the world needs you...
don't be like me.
Here I am.
Over a decade later.
Somehow, by some miracle, I'm drawing again. I have no worldly idea how long this will last, if it indeed does at all.
I'd sure like to keep drawing. Maybe if the meds hold up.
Wellbutrin and Strattera have been a godsend.
Well. We'll see.
---
edit:
good gods above and below reading my old journal entries
was
a
m i s t a k e .
... the times when i was unmedicated, i truly had been arrested in my development. things i wrote when i was 24 read like they were written by a 16 year old. I'm probably still stunted now and stuck with a maturity level no higher than a twenty year old. i keep mindful of that, because... it really does hold you back. It's hard to be taken seriously when I act so immature all the time.
I truly can't blame anyone who brushed me off for a foolish waste of time >_>;
I really hadn't comprehended how much I'd hamstrung myself by neglecting proper psychiatric treatment.
So many stupid silly mistakes. So many missed chances and spoiled opportunities. I don't even know if I'd be capable of helping anyone else avoid them.
If anyone does read this, and you happen to have some form of attention deficit... please, please, please do not hesitate on getting medicated. You don't have to suffer like this. You don't have to struggle like this. You can, in fact, be more capable. It is, legitimately, a disability that warrants the affordance of aid. There's crucial parts missing from us that leave us less functional than others and a selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor could be the difference between languishing in a helpless loop for a decade or more and actually getting your life off the ground.
the world needs you...
don't be like me.
What Is Owed (Goodbye)
General | Posted 13 years agoTo whomever it may concern,
I haven't uploaded anything here for a long time, and there's a reason for that:
I no longer feel that my art is appropriate for the furry community.
I've become a brony, and that's upsetting to a lot of folks. I know that 'not upsetting furaffinity' is a lot like 'refraining to piss in an ocean of piss', but I don't take any joy in making folks mad, or rocking boats, or burning bridges. Or at least, I don't anymore. But you see, I noticed that a lot of artists I used to love have had a tendency to up and disappear, to delete everything they've ever written, everything they've ever drawn, or composed, or recorded, or rendered, and leave an empty shell of their former pages.
For instance, a musical artist I dearly loved, named Kurreltheraven, still has the husk of a page here on FA with nothing on it but a human avatar. I can only assume that he now rejects the furry community, and would've removed every instance of his name that pops up in google if he could have--because he's removed everything else. Purged his livejournal, scuttled his myspace, even requested his WikiFur entry to be blanked.
I haven't any lost respect for him, although it still hurts to know that all the love so many people have for his wonderful creations is effectively dirt to him. He destroyed it. Imagine if Leonardo DaVinci tossed everything he ever painted and ever drew into a bonfire. I believe he would have every right to do so, but you cannot deny that it would be absolutely tragic to millions of people. The point is... that's not what I want to do.
This is probably going to be my last journal entry on FurAffinity.
It is not because I no longer like furries; I love you all.
It is not because I no longer appreciate FA; I am extremely pleased that FA is still a thing.
It is not because I am trying to make a statement, either.
I'm only leaving because I believe it will cause the least pain overall.
And I come with a final gift, an olive branch:
If you wish to follow what I am doing now, you can find me on DeviantArt: http://cyclone-dusk.deviantart.com
You may find that my skill has... changed. Perhaps even improved a tiny teensy bit. But I refuse to clutter up the Furry community with Brony art.
It is the least that I owe to you.
Goodbye <3
I haven't uploaded anything here for a long time, and there's a reason for that:
I no longer feel that my art is appropriate for the furry community.
I've become a brony, and that's upsetting to a lot of folks. I know that 'not upsetting furaffinity' is a lot like 'refraining to piss in an ocean of piss', but I don't take any joy in making folks mad, or rocking boats, or burning bridges. Or at least, I don't anymore. But you see, I noticed that a lot of artists I used to love have had a tendency to up and disappear, to delete everything they've ever written, everything they've ever drawn, or composed, or recorded, or rendered, and leave an empty shell of their former pages.
For instance, a musical artist I dearly loved, named Kurreltheraven, still has the husk of a page here on FA with nothing on it but a human avatar. I can only assume that he now rejects the furry community, and would've removed every instance of his name that pops up in google if he could have--because he's removed everything else. Purged his livejournal, scuttled his myspace, even requested his WikiFur entry to be blanked.
I haven't any lost respect for him, although it still hurts to know that all the love so many people have for his wonderful creations is effectively dirt to him. He destroyed it. Imagine if Leonardo DaVinci tossed everything he ever painted and ever drew into a bonfire. I believe he would have every right to do so, but you cannot deny that it would be absolutely tragic to millions of people. The point is... that's not what I want to do.
This is probably going to be my last journal entry on FurAffinity.
It is not because I no longer like furries; I love you all.
It is not because I no longer appreciate FA; I am extremely pleased that FA is still a thing.
It is not because I am trying to make a statement, either.
I'm only leaving because I believe it will cause the least pain overall.
And I come with a final gift, an olive branch:
If you wish to follow what I am doing now, you can find me on DeviantArt: http://cyclone-dusk.deviantart.com
You may find that my skill has... changed. Perhaps even improved a tiny teensy bit. But I refuse to clutter up the Furry community with Brony art.
It is the least that I owe to you.
Goodbye <3
Journals, eh?
General | Posted 13 years agoI forgot how useful they were.
I might as well chronicle my life thus far, just for record-keeping purposes so I have a reference. Looking back into my past has been cathartic and informative.
In February, KrypticRaven dumped me. I was being way too emotional and wishy-washy and even I can admit that my behavior was beneath her. Also I've become a pretty heavy brony since previous entries, and she did not like that. C'est la vie.
In March, Liberty Medical fired me. Being absolutely as harsh and unforgiving to myself as possible, it's because I was too critical of the company's internal policy.
My patients would get upset and my sympathy went way too far.
You see, even though training said that one should "take ownership" of a problem, and to sympathize with a patient, it was patently stupid of me to ever allow it to sound as though I were taking their side against Liberty. That wasn't the intention, but it was, in their opinion, how it sounded.
I should at least note for the record that at the time, I was sick. I was taking antibiotics, a rather strong expectorant, and a mild prescription steroid to treat an upper respiratory tract infection, and if I can work sick, I do work sick. Sorry, my bad. It's somewhat likely that my judgement could have been occluded.
They also listed that I kept patients on hold way too long and also that the calls were way too long.
This was due to another conflicting little policy called one-call resolution. It was discouraged to disconnect from a patient with the task unfinished. I'll also note here that they never warned me that my hold times or call lengths were being an issue, and furthermore, during my performance review my supervisor said not to worry about it, but that it would eventually be looked at in the future! I regret taking his word for it.
Finally, they listed that I was indulging in completely irrelevant and non-productive discussion.
Several conversational elements were regarding Mr. Wilford Brimley, the official spokesman of Liberty Medical. This is company-specific product knowledge that we were encouraged to share.
We were also encouraged to make the calls with our patients genial and welcoming personalized experiences.
So that was my march! It sucked!
In April, my apartment complex informed me that they will be rejecting my lease for renewal. So I'm about to be homeless too.
This month, May, Liberty appealed my unemployment and won. So now I am totally unsupported and being told that I owe all the money I've been using to pay my electric bill and my rent back to the dirtbags who fired me. I will of course be appealing this, and if I lose the appeal, I'll just fall back on the truth:
I have nothing.
I have lost pretty much everything.
They can't squeeze blood from a stone and I welcome them to try. After this I'll file for bankruptcy because I've got zip. I'll have to borrow from SOMEONE, maybe family, to pay for the bankruptcy filing fees, as I'm told that you need money to have no money.
... KrypticRaven, you were right to dump me. I was a sinking ship. I'm glad you escaped okay. I hope you're in a better place right now, but I'm too ashamed to look at your life. I don't have a place in it. I'm slime.
Other than that, my Dear Sister Adrianna is having a major existential meltdown for reasons I can't adequately describe on short notice, and I am SIGNIFICANTLY less straight. I'm relatively sure I'm in love with someone, and they are actually male. And... that... is not bothering me in the slightest >_> I wish I could say I'm weirded out, but I'm really, really not. He is also a brony and he goes by the name Eclipse...
...white fur, green eyes... his manner is so gentle, so serene...
He reminds me of Lyliac.
I remember how she used to override her player to come back to me at Shadow Haven... Her poor player's life was made very complicated by this, but it really struck at the time as though there really was a connection beyond the reckoning of mortal perception between we two... Remembering of course that I thought that my life as Cyrus Draegur was still REAL back then. (Shit, wish I wrote more journal entries about the transition)
But the point is... if my Lyli truly was going to warp the laws of conventional reality and bend probability to come back to me... I wouldn't put it past her to opt for being born male if it just meant the chance.
I just wish it sounded a teensy bit less bat-shit insane.
I don't want to force Eclipse into a role that he most likely is not. He still dominates my thoughts day and night... Aside from extracting a little hope from the signs, he's... wonderful... truly wonderful even in his own right, in ways that I have directly observed, despite the similarities remaining uncanny. I want to know -him- though, regardless of mystical mumbo-jumbo... I want to appreciate him for -himself-... <3
Anyways that's enough faggin' it up from me >_>
J. Howard Christ I never thought I'd be attracted to a guy... *sigh*
I might as well chronicle my life thus far, just for record-keeping purposes so I have a reference. Looking back into my past has been cathartic and informative.
In February, KrypticRaven dumped me. I was being way too emotional and wishy-washy and even I can admit that my behavior was beneath her. Also I've become a pretty heavy brony since previous entries, and she did not like that. C'est la vie.
In March, Liberty Medical fired me. Being absolutely as harsh and unforgiving to myself as possible, it's because I was too critical of the company's internal policy.
My patients would get upset and my sympathy went way too far.
You see, even though training said that one should "take ownership" of a problem, and to sympathize with a patient, it was patently stupid of me to ever allow it to sound as though I were taking their side against Liberty. That wasn't the intention, but it was, in their opinion, how it sounded.
I should at least note for the record that at the time, I was sick. I was taking antibiotics, a rather strong expectorant, and a mild prescription steroid to treat an upper respiratory tract infection, and if I can work sick, I do work sick. Sorry, my bad. It's somewhat likely that my judgement could have been occluded.
They also listed that I kept patients on hold way too long and also that the calls were way too long.
This was due to another conflicting little policy called one-call resolution. It was discouraged to disconnect from a patient with the task unfinished. I'll also note here that they never warned me that my hold times or call lengths were being an issue, and furthermore, during my performance review my supervisor said not to worry about it, but that it would eventually be looked at in the future! I regret taking his word for it.
Finally, they listed that I was indulging in completely irrelevant and non-productive discussion.
Several conversational elements were regarding Mr. Wilford Brimley, the official spokesman of Liberty Medical. This is company-specific product knowledge that we were encouraged to share.
We were also encouraged to make the calls with our patients genial and welcoming personalized experiences.
So that was my march! It sucked!
In April, my apartment complex informed me that they will be rejecting my lease for renewal. So I'm about to be homeless too.
This month, May, Liberty appealed my unemployment and won. So now I am totally unsupported and being told that I owe all the money I've been using to pay my electric bill and my rent back to the dirtbags who fired me. I will of course be appealing this, and if I lose the appeal, I'll just fall back on the truth:
I have nothing.
I have lost pretty much everything.
They can't squeeze blood from a stone and I welcome them to try. After this I'll file for bankruptcy because I've got zip. I'll have to borrow from SOMEONE, maybe family, to pay for the bankruptcy filing fees, as I'm told that you need money to have no money.
... KrypticRaven, you were right to dump me. I was a sinking ship. I'm glad you escaped okay. I hope you're in a better place right now, but I'm too ashamed to look at your life. I don't have a place in it. I'm slime.
Other than that, my Dear Sister Adrianna is having a major existential meltdown for reasons I can't adequately describe on short notice, and I am SIGNIFICANTLY less straight. I'm relatively sure I'm in love with someone, and they are actually male. And... that... is not bothering me in the slightest >_> I wish I could say I'm weirded out, but I'm really, really not. He is also a brony and he goes by the name Eclipse...
...white fur, green eyes... his manner is so gentle, so serene...
He reminds me of Lyliac.
I remember how she used to override her player to come back to me at Shadow Haven... Her poor player's life was made very complicated by this, but it really struck at the time as though there really was a connection beyond the reckoning of mortal perception between we two... Remembering of course that I thought that my life as Cyrus Draegur was still REAL back then. (Shit, wish I wrote more journal entries about the transition)
But the point is... if my Lyli truly was going to warp the laws of conventional reality and bend probability to come back to me... I wouldn't put it past her to opt for being born male if it just meant the chance.
I just wish it sounded a teensy bit less bat-shit insane.
I don't want to force Eclipse into a role that he most likely is not. He still dominates my thoughts day and night... Aside from extracting a little hope from the signs, he's... wonderful... truly wonderful even in his own right, in ways that I have directly observed, despite the similarities remaining uncanny. I want to know -him- though, regardless of mystical mumbo-jumbo... I want to appreciate him for -himself-... <3
Anyways that's enough faggin' it up from me >_>
J. Howard Christ I never thought I'd be attracted to a guy... *sigh*
The Recreational Value of Logical Fallacies
General | Posted 14 years ago(inb4 dear princess celestia)
Having been around the block a few times, figuratively speaking, on this wonderful wide world of teh internets, one comes to notice a kind of cycle, a kind of growth progression of its denizens. You've got some folks who are genuinely oblivious and like what they like and simply can't be arsed to consider anything outside their narrow spectrum of interest (aka the lucky ones :p), then you have those who discover their soapbox for the first time and discover the bittersweet treasure of arguing with people for no good reason other than the joy of being right; these make up what I perceive to be the loudest segment of the demographic. Above that, you have those who no longer care about being right, but just looove riling up the loud ones and causing drama--the trolls. Trolls also enjoy targeting the next tier as well: Those who at least attempt to engage in some form of decorum and civility--those who attempt to employ logic, reason, critical thinking, and a tendency to try to debate things on a fair and level playing field, or as level as they can get it with at least a due diligence attempt. These individuals tend to care less about being right or being wrong but about discovering the truth, whatever it may be.
Beyond all of these--
And I must stress that there is no implication of 'betterness' here between these groups that I am referring to as tiers except my own personal appreciation for them!!
--is a last group that I don't think I've really bothered to actually identify as a group at all, really.
Right now I'm at a point where I can seek what I want from the internet without concern, (Haters Gonna Hate)
While at the same time finding capacity to actually appreciate the spectacular flame wars, (It's funny when they do)
And being able to communicate, when I feel like it, in a clear and clean manner while remembering to at least attempt at avoiding the construction of straw men, succumbing to confirmation bias, or indulging in blame for blame's sake...
But I've learned that, even if you're aware that you're doing it, building a straw man argument is fun. Lighting a straw man ablaze is like a communal event, because even if it misrepresents your opposition, it IS clearly representing your own opinion OF that opposition--it says more about ones' self than it says about ones' rivals, and as long as you know this and accept it, not only can you enjoy its cozy glow and toast some metaphorical marshmallows, but also see it as a satirical caricature of the self.
I've learned that schadenfruede is an incredible sensation--the kind of glorious, righteous fury and satisfaction you feel when someone GETS IT when, in your eyes, they really really had it coming. Again, it's dangerous if you don't realize it's going on, but now that I have, it's almost become a hobby of mine where I can construct an entertaining 'what-if' pretense around a situation to make it at least FEEL like it was what deserved to happen. It really scratches an itch. A really, really really deep itch!
And sometimes, you really just want to hear more perspectives on how you already feel about something. This is where confirmation bias, specifically, comes into play. We all love being preached to when we're the choir. It's important to realize: There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving it, either! Just as long as you remember to prevent it from influencing your actual rational decisions. It's like junk food, but calorie free.
I'd like to think, acknowledging that I may be wrong, that we could all afford to laugh at ourselves a little more. There is so very much potential for personal growth and a whole lot of fun! You owe it to yourself to give it a try.
Having been around the block a few times, figuratively speaking, on this wonderful wide world of teh internets, one comes to notice a kind of cycle, a kind of growth progression of its denizens. You've got some folks who are genuinely oblivious and like what they like and simply can't be arsed to consider anything outside their narrow spectrum of interest (aka the lucky ones :p), then you have those who discover their soapbox for the first time and discover the bittersweet treasure of arguing with people for no good reason other than the joy of being right; these make up what I perceive to be the loudest segment of the demographic. Above that, you have those who no longer care about being right, but just looove riling up the loud ones and causing drama--the trolls. Trolls also enjoy targeting the next tier as well: Those who at least attempt to engage in some form of decorum and civility--those who attempt to employ logic, reason, critical thinking, and a tendency to try to debate things on a fair and level playing field, or as level as they can get it with at least a due diligence attempt. These individuals tend to care less about being right or being wrong but about discovering the truth, whatever it may be.
Beyond all of these--
And I must stress that there is no implication of 'betterness' here between these groups that I am referring to as tiers except my own personal appreciation for them!!
--is a last group that I don't think I've really bothered to actually identify as a group at all, really.
Right now I'm at a point where I can seek what I want from the internet without concern, (Haters Gonna Hate)
While at the same time finding capacity to actually appreciate the spectacular flame wars, (It's funny when they do)
And being able to communicate, when I feel like it, in a clear and clean manner while remembering to at least attempt at avoiding the construction of straw men, succumbing to confirmation bias, or indulging in blame for blame's sake...
But I've learned that, even if you're aware that you're doing it, building a straw man argument is fun. Lighting a straw man ablaze is like a communal event, because even if it misrepresents your opposition, it IS clearly representing your own opinion OF that opposition--it says more about ones' self than it says about ones' rivals, and as long as you know this and accept it, not only can you enjoy its cozy glow and toast some metaphorical marshmallows, but also see it as a satirical caricature of the self.
I've learned that schadenfruede is an incredible sensation--the kind of glorious, righteous fury and satisfaction you feel when someone GETS IT when, in your eyes, they really really had it coming. Again, it's dangerous if you don't realize it's going on, but now that I have, it's almost become a hobby of mine where I can construct an entertaining 'what-if' pretense around a situation to make it at least FEEL like it was what deserved to happen. It really scratches an itch. A really, really really deep itch!
And sometimes, you really just want to hear more perspectives on how you already feel about something. This is where confirmation bias, specifically, comes into play. We all love being preached to when we're the choir. It's important to realize: There is absolutely nothing wrong with loving it, either! Just as long as you remember to prevent it from influencing your actual rational decisions. It's like junk food, but calorie free.
I'd like to think, acknowledging that I may be wrong, that we could all afford to laugh at ourselves a little more. There is so very much potential for personal growth and a whole lot of fun! You owe it to yourself to give it a try.
Chemistry.
General | Posted 14 years agoSometimes you just know when you have good chemistry. Rarely do you have so much good chemistry that it practically melts your face off. I got to meet my mate this weekend in person for the first time ;_; and it was amazing. SHE is amazing. My instincts were wailing "I'm not worthy", but my heart was screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KISS HER!!"
I had been mortally terrified that it wouldn't be the same in person. I was scared that it would be awkward, and confusing, and painful. I was afraid we'd see each other as strangers. Oh gods, how wrong I was... <3 It feels like we've been together for months. We have an amazingly (mutually!) amusing back-and-forth rapport; our minds seem to fall into the same gutter at the same time as if it were some kind of synchronized swimming competition for total perverts! XD artistically, musically, even in more obscure crap like architecture, we're both on the same page. I feel... truly as if I belong ;_; and I can't tell you how amazing that feels. I love this woman. She brings out the absolute best in me. She makes me feel as if I am the person I'd always wished I could be. I feel like we could do anything.
I need to hit MSN and tell her I got home okay though XD
Ciao~!
I had been mortally terrified that it wouldn't be the same in person. I was scared that it would be awkward, and confusing, and painful. I was afraid we'd see each other as strangers. Oh gods, how wrong I was... <3 It feels like we've been together for months. We have an amazingly (mutually!) amusing back-and-forth rapport; our minds seem to fall into the same gutter at the same time as if it were some kind of synchronized swimming competition for total perverts! XD artistically, musically, even in more obscure crap like architecture, we're both on the same page. I feel... truly as if I belong ;_; and I can't tell you how amazing that feels. I love this woman. She brings out the absolute best in me. She makes me feel as if I am the person I'd always wished I could be. I feel like we could do anything.
I need to hit MSN and tell her I got home okay though XD
Ciao~!
editing from work
General | Posted 14 years agoI probably shouldn't. But guess what: Meh.
So, I've been working at a call center again, as some of you know:
Liberty Medical
(DIABEETUS)
I respect the company, and what I do for the company...
But it's starting to feel like it can't last.
I know that in a beggar's economy, almost nobody gets to be a chooser... buuuut I can hardly afford my apartment. Each paycheck, I am lucky if it breaks the 600.00 mark, I suppose it's partly (or maybe mostly) thanks to the insurance selection I made, which is taking about a hundred off the top of each paycheck, pre-tax. Yowch! At least the copays are good.. when I can afford them.
It's weird though: I feel like, for the work that I am doing, I am actually being paid fairly. It's more like... I need a different kind of work entirely. It feels like treading water, y'know?
GOD I wish I could get employed at an architectural firm again. That was so nice. Jesus, look at me, pining back to early 2007 like Uncle Rico stuck in his football-playing past.. I need to go back to school. I haven't even booted up AutoCAD to a serioius extent in well over a year, and I've been too busy to do so.
If only I had enough inspiration to draw more, too--if I were capable of taking commissions, that'd take a nice tidy chunk of my financial burden off...
My mate's (yes, she's my mate now :3) artistic skill has REALLY taken off. She's vastly surpassed me XD I almost feel intimidated. But more likely, I just feel honored <3 I'm a humble person by nature. Where most guys get suspicious about why such an amazing gal would ever bother being with them, I'm just incredibly grateful.
Anyway, It's time for me to get back to being productive. Or as productive as this job gets to be. Seeya 'round.
(oh and my schedule changed, i'm working 11:00-20:00 M-F, everything else is the same)
So, I've been working at a call center again, as some of you know:
Liberty Medical
(DIABEETUS)
I respect the company, and what I do for the company...
But it's starting to feel like it can't last.
I know that in a beggar's economy, almost nobody gets to be a chooser... buuuut I can hardly afford my apartment. Each paycheck, I am lucky if it breaks the 600.00 mark, I suppose it's partly (or maybe mostly) thanks to the insurance selection I made, which is taking about a hundred off the top of each paycheck, pre-tax. Yowch! At least the copays are good.. when I can afford them.
It's weird though: I feel like, for the work that I am doing, I am actually being paid fairly. It's more like... I need a different kind of work entirely. It feels like treading water, y'know?
GOD I wish I could get employed at an architectural firm again. That was so nice. Jesus, look at me, pining back to early 2007 like Uncle Rico stuck in his football-playing past.. I need to go back to school. I haven't even booted up AutoCAD to a serioius extent in well over a year, and I've been too busy to do so.
If only I had enough inspiration to draw more, too--if I were capable of taking commissions, that'd take a nice tidy chunk of my financial burden off...
My mate's (yes, she's my mate now :3) artistic skill has REALLY taken off. She's vastly surpassed me XD I almost feel intimidated. But more likely, I just feel honored <3 I'm a humble person by nature. Where most guys get suspicious about why such an amazing gal would ever bother being with them, I'm just incredibly grateful.
Anyway, It's time for me to get back to being productive. Or as productive as this job gets to be. Seeya 'round.
(oh and my schedule changed, i'm working 11:00-20:00 M-F, everything else is the same)
So where have I been?
General | Posted 14 years agoI'm sure some people might come across my page, take a look, and think, "Where the hell has he been for months and months? What does he do all the time that he's not doing art?"
Art is sadly an extremely tiny portion of my time. As much as I'd like it to be more of my time, it's easier said than done. I keep thinking about it, but usually when I sit down to draw...
...nothing happens :\
So, I've been putting my time into other things. Three in particular:
1. I'm playing World of Warcraft. I'm Alerec, a Worgen Druid, on the server Lightbringer.
2. I'm playing Furcadia. Or at least idling there. Either I'm RPing a scene or I'm just screwing around chatting. That's where Cyrus Alerec Draegur lives.
3. I'm playing Minecraft.
TheSpiralAim is running a server and, when I have sufficient architectural inspiration, that's where I spend it.
Usually activities 1 2 and 3 will take place between 11pm and 6am EST, because my work schedule is currently 2pm to 11pm EST. If it's before 2pm, then I am invariably either:
A. Catching whatever fleeting moments I can with
KrypticRaven
B. Running Errands,
or C. Still asleep.
Generally, this sums up my life these days.
My work schedule will be changing soon, though, sadly >_<
They're moving me to a shift that is 11am to 8pm. So... getting home a little earlier is okay by me, but that is of course unfortunately accompanied by the requirement of leaving home earlier too. At least everything isn't *automatically closed* at 8pm here. Nosiree, that's 9pm. I'd have an hour to find somewhere and get inside before they lock the doors if I have last minute errands to run in the evening to, say, FedEx so I can scan some art (unlikely event that it is...) or alternatively to grab a bite to eat at a restaurant that is not McDonalds (Huzzah!)
Maybe... HOPEFULLY... this will make it easier for the people who want to reach me to, well, reach me.
Don't have a whole lot to say past that, sadly. But if you have any questions, here's where to ask 'em!
Art is sadly an extremely tiny portion of my time. As much as I'd like it to be more of my time, it's easier said than done. I keep thinking about it, but usually when I sit down to draw...
...nothing happens :\
So, I've been putting my time into other things. Three in particular:
1. I'm playing World of Warcraft. I'm Alerec, a Worgen Druid, on the server Lightbringer.
2. I'm playing Furcadia. Or at least idling there. Either I'm RPing a scene or I'm just screwing around chatting. That's where Cyrus Alerec Draegur lives.
3. I'm playing Minecraft.
TheSpiralAim is running a server and, when I have sufficient architectural inspiration, that's where I spend it. Usually activities 1 2 and 3 will take place between 11pm and 6am EST, because my work schedule is currently 2pm to 11pm EST. If it's before 2pm, then I am invariably either:
A. Catching whatever fleeting moments I can with
KrypticRavenB. Running Errands,
or C. Still asleep.
Generally, this sums up my life these days.
My work schedule will be changing soon, though, sadly >_<
They're moving me to a shift that is 11am to 8pm. So... getting home a little earlier is okay by me, but that is of course unfortunately accompanied by the requirement of leaving home earlier too. At least everything isn't *automatically closed* at 8pm here. Nosiree, that's 9pm. I'd have an hour to find somewhere and get inside before they lock the doors if I have last minute errands to run in the evening to, say, FedEx so I can scan some art (unlikely event that it is...) or alternatively to grab a bite to eat at a restaurant that is not McDonalds (Huzzah!)
Maybe... HOPEFULLY... this will make it easier for the people who want to reach me to, well, reach me.
Don't have a whole lot to say past that, sadly. But if you have any questions, here's where to ask 'em!
Try this. It's neat.
General | Posted 14 years ago1. Go to wikipedia, hit random. Or just click this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/special:random
2. Go to quotationspage.com, hit random. Or just click this link: http://quotationspage.com/random.php3
3. Go to flickr. Click on "explore the last seven days." Or again, just click here: http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The Wikipedia Article title is the Band Name,
The last four or five words of the very last quote on the random quote page is the Album Title.
The third picture on that flickr page is your album cover, no matter what it is.
THE RESULTS ARE OFTEN QUITE AMUSING :3
2. Go to quotationspage.com, hit random. Or just click this link: http://quotationspage.com/random.php3
3. Go to flickr. Click on "explore the last seven days." Or again, just click here: http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The Wikipedia Article title is the Band Name,
The last four or five words of the very last quote on the random quote page is the Album Title.
The third picture on that flickr page is your album cover, no matter what it is.
THE RESULTS ARE OFTEN QUITE AMUSING :3
Introspective Journeys...
General | Posted 15 years ago...both long and short.
About an hour ago, at 1:30 am, I felt the most compelling urge to go for a drive. I decided to indulge my curiosity. Although I have work tomorrow, I've been switched to the second shift--which means working from 2pm to 11pm... so I had time on my side, for once.
There are few better times than 2am on a Monday night to open your mind to the big picture, and to ask yourself the really big questions. I let go of worldly concerns and let my mind drift, and allowed my car to follow it. Although I'm sure that this activity was bad for my body, it felt so good for my soul.
Roanoke is a funny place, at night, with the streets deserted, all to myself and a few other night owls. I like to watch other people moving around, wondering what their life is like, what it is that brings them out at this peculiar hour; if they are like me, searching for the intangible revelations that only a long drive to nowhere at the wee hours of the morning can provide.
I took this valuable, once in a life-time opportunity (for, it will only ever be 2:00 AM on Tuesday, February the 1st, 2011 in Roanoke, VA ONCE, and never again) to treat my curiosity and mild wanderlust to their own devices. I took a closer look at the things I always overlook, and found myself feeling moved by the beauty of it all... the destructive, industrial, terrible polluted glory of Humanity, sprawled out as it was, suburbs and strip malls outskirting our metropolitan centers for miles and miles. I marveled at how many lives these seemingly inconsequential places were the absolute core of. That Save-A-Lot in the desolate "Roanoke-Salem City Plaza" shopping center, with its many vacant storefronts, near the corner of Peter's Creek Road and Shenandoah Boulevard... Hundreds of people probably work there. Thousands of people probably shop there. Most of them, I will never, ever see with my own two eyes; and all the ones that I do see, I will have no idea.
I felt more connected to it all than I have in a long time. I felt a resonance, subtly, with all the humanity around me, and saw our buildings and machines as part of us, part of our societal organism. Just as snails grow shells from the things they eat, so do we grow our environments out of other materials we otherwise consume. No matter how destructive we may be to nature as it was before, we are, in essence, merely a continuation of Nature's very own pattern, taken to, so far, what seems to be its zenith. That penultimate status is an envelope that we were born to push, and we always will.
I was driving down Electric Road, listening to the BBC reporting over the local NPR talk station frequency about the protests happening in Egypt, watching the lights of the sleeping shops on the side of the road rushing by, and once again, for the first time in what feels like a long time, I am happy to be alive.
Not because of something different happening to me;
not because of someone else in my life;
not because of having a valuable task to perform,
nor because of the worth it will put into my bank account...
but because I was here. I'm just... here... and that's so freaking cool ^_^
About an hour ago, at 1:30 am, I felt the most compelling urge to go for a drive. I decided to indulge my curiosity. Although I have work tomorrow, I've been switched to the second shift--which means working from 2pm to 11pm... so I had time on my side, for once.
There are few better times than 2am on a Monday night to open your mind to the big picture, and to ask yourself the really big questions. I let go of worldly concerns and let my mind drift, and allowed my car to follow it. Although I'm sure that this activity was bad for my body, it felt so good for my soul.
Roanoke is a funny place, at night, with the streets deserted, all to myself and a few other night owls. I like to watch other people moving around, wondering what their life is like, what it is that brings them out at this peculiar hour; if they are like me, searching for the intangible revelations that only a long drive to nowhere at the wee hours of the morning can provide.
I took this valuable, once in a life-time opportunity (for, it will only ever be 2:00 AM on Tuesday, February the 1st, 2011 in Roanoke, VA ONCE, and never again) to treat my curiosity and mild wanderlust to their own devices. I took a closer look at the things I always overlook, and found myself feeling moved by the beauty of it all... the destructive, industrial, terrible polluted glory of Humanity, sprawled out as it was, suburbs and strip malls outskirting our metropolitan centers for miles and miles. I marveled at how many lives these seemingly inconsequential places were the absolute core of. That Save-A-Lot in the desolate "Roanoke-Salem City Plaza" shopping center, with its many vacant storefronts, near the corner of Peter's Creek Road and Shenandoah Boulevard... Hundreds of people probably work there. Thousands of people probably shop there. Most of them, I will never, ever see with my own two eyes; and all the ones that I do see, I will have no idea.
I felt more connected to it all than I have in a long time. I felt a resonance, subtly, with all the humanity around me, and saw our buildings and machines as part of us, part of our societal organism. Just as snails grow shells from the things they eat, so do we grow our environments out of other materials we otherwise consume. No matter how destructive we may be to nature as it was before, we are, in essence, merely a continuation of Nature's very own pattern, taken to, so far, what seems to be its zenith. That penultimate status is an envelope that we were born to push, and we always will.
I was driving down Electric Road, listening to the BBC reporting over the local NPR talk station frequency about the protests happening in Egypt, watching the lights of the sleeping shops on the side of the road rushing by, and once again, for the first time in what feels like a long time, I am happy to be alive.
Not because of something different happening to me;
not because of someone else in my life;
not because of having a valuable task to perform,
nor because of the worth it will put into my bank account...
but because I was here. I'm just... here... and that's so freaking cool ^_^
Art Dump
General | Posted 15 years agoMy new job has been very good for my artistic motivation ^_^
I've been doing just about one new pic every day of the week. Not all of them are good enough to be here, but if I find myself feeling that it's relatively cute or worth sharing, you'll see it here... whenever I can be arsed to go to FedEx and scan them.
I've been doing just about one new pic every day of the week. Not all of them are good enough to be here, but if I find myself feeling that it's relatively cute or worth sharing, you'll see it here... whenever I can be arsed to go to FedEx and scan them.
Loughner's Incident
General | Posted 15 years agoSo... I'm going to post a little blurb here about the assassination attempt on Rep. Gabrielle Giffords.
I've been soaking up the news about this today, and to sum it up, with much personal disgust, I think it was kind of inevitable. I mean, don't get me wrong, Jared Lee Loughner is obviously a complete lunatic, grasping out for any philosophy that could possibly justify his twisted outlook, even if, or seemingly ESPECIALLY if, those philosophies are EXTREMELY contradictory! For instance: Ayn Rand AND Karl Marx? One thing that disturbs me the most is that ... the guy's an Atheist. I've never heard of an Atheist ever doing something so incredibly destructive and illogical. That said, I think the guy was just plain crazy, and all of his features, quirks, and interests might as well have been drawn from a hat.
The real thing that worries me... is that he's more of a proverbial canary in our coal mine, dropping dead before our eyes. Something has gone terribly, tragically WRONG, and I've got the worst sinking feeling that it's only going to get worse. Our political system has been getting more and more ineffectual; people have been getting angrier and angrier; the ones in charge are listening less and less; the ones stuck at the bottom are getting more and more desperate. It looks like a runaway freight train rumbling straight toward us and we're too busy arguing amongst ourselves to get off the goddamn tracks! If we miraculously got ourselves better politicians--ones that actually LISTENED and could show us HOW they're listening and WHAT they're listening to do with some level of effectiveness, then Maybe we might be able to get through this okay... but I just don't think that's gonna happen.
I think they're just gonna clap their hands over their eyes, ears, and mouthes all the harder, dawn a new age of even MORE extreme paranoia, and in the process, screw us all...
I've been soaking up the news about this today, and to sum it up, with much personal disgust, I think it was kind of inevitable. I mean, don't get me wrong, Jared Lee Loughner is obviously a complete lunatic, grasping out for any philosophy that could possibly justify his twisted outlook, even if, or seemingly ESPECIALLY if, those philosophies are EXTREMELY contradictory! For instance: Ayn Rand AND Karl Marx? One thing that disturbs me the most is that ... the guy's an Atheist. I've never heard of an Atheist ever doing something so incredibly destructive and illogical. That said, I think the guy was just plain crazy, and all of his features, quirks, and interests might as well have been drawn from a hat.
The real thing that worries me... is that he's more of a proverbial canary in our coal mine, dropping dead before our eyes. Something has gone terribly, tragically WRONG, and I've got the worst sinking feeling that it's only going to get worse. Our political system has been getting more and more ineffectual; people have been getting angrier and angrier; the ones in charge are listening less and less; the ones stuck at the bottom are getting more and more desperate. It looks like a runaway freight train rumbling straight toward us and we're too busy arguing amongst ourselves to get off the goddamn tracks! If we miraculously got ourselves better politicians--ones that actually LISTENED and could show us HOW they're listening and WHAT they're listening to do with some level of effectiveness, then Maybe we might be able to get through this okay... but I just don't think that's gonna happen.
I think they're just gonna clap their hands over their eyes, ears, and mouthes all the harder, dawn a new age of even MORE extreme paranoia, and in the process, screw us all...
Current Events
General | Posted 15 years agoIn the past few months... I have found a mate, and then separated from her.
On the one paw, I'm sure I wanted to write about her before; on the other paw, somehow I feel I might have found my sophomoric diatribes on the magic of romance rather wince-worthy in retrospect. I feel I'm in a far better position to speak of the whole event now.
For relationships... there is a requirement of emotional compatibility, which I care to think of as pipes, as well as a requirement of shared interests, that which flows through the aforementioned pipes. The wonderful, quite remarkable, extremely wise, beautiful, practical, temperate, and saintly patient dragon I loved for this time shared an exquisitely efficient and secure pipe system with me... and these pipes remained pristine and unused throughout almost the entire relationship.
Alas, she loves pets... her horses, her snakes, her monitor lizard, her cats; her training in the industry of nursing (soon she shall graduate as a registered nurse! I shall continue to feel very proud of her ^_^) and the experiences that she would encounter on a daily basis; and children and family... she has a very large and wonderful family and I have grown quite fond of them all indeed.
...but I didn't have a lot to contribute to conversation on these subjects.
Myself, if you know me, i'm sure you're aware: I am fascinated by architecture, physics, psychology, philosophy, chaos theory, ancient religions, world domination, the elder gods, all manner of video games, and politics. She wanted nothing to do with any of them.
She lives on a farm far away from the local urban centers--it was an hour and forty five minute drive from my town to her little slice of paradise out there in the fields... And yes, I adored every visit that I had, but always pined to get back to my apartment in the city, where I'd actually have a chance to find a job, where all of my friends were. She'd worked so hard to secure her land and make a place for all of her creatures, and no one, NO ONE, can EVER take that away from her after all the sacrifices that she made... and in order to facilitate this, I was, for a time, preparing myself to trample all of my dreams and ambitions for her. I was choking on the bitter pill that I would someday have to drop everything and move many, many miles away where I would be, save for Her, completely alone, unsure of what ever I could possibly do. I am not a country wolf.
And you'd think, "why, these aren't problems at all! You can work them out!" ... why, yes, I believe we could have shoehorned each other into this, surely; I'm positive we could have wedged ourselves in together obstinately, forced each other to grin and bear these things until our sensibilities swell with disgust; It's a sure thing that we could have grown complacent and distant while we drew into ourselves regarding our respective interests; I'm absolutely, positively CERTAIN ...
that we would have been miserable for the rest of our lives.
She refused to let me make a choice that would end up with me miserable.
My beloved dragon is very wise...
She saw this coming for quite some time, as have I, and by now, it had been two months since our connection to one another stopped feeling 'romantic' in nature...
The final nail in our coffin was This.
Love doesn't always mean it's right, my friends.
In the end, however, I believe we're both better off than when we started. She felt gratitude at knowing that there are actually guys like me out here... and I'm particularly very grateful myself to know that there are, in fact, women out there who are actually looking for guys like me.
Thank you.
On the one paw, I'm sure I wanted to write about her before; on the other paw, somehow I feel I might have found my sophomoric diatribes on the magic of romance rather wince-worthy in retrospect. I feel I'm in a far better position to speak of the whole event now.
For relationships... there is a requirement of emotional compatibility, which I care to think of as pipes, as well as a requirement of shared interests, that which flows through the aforementioned pipes. The wonderful, quite remarkable, extremely wise, beautiful, practical, temperate, and saintly patient dragon I loved for this time shared an exquisitely efficient and secure pipe system with me... and these pipes remained pristine and unused throughout almost the entire relationship.
Alas, she loves pets... her horses, her snakes, her monitor lizard, her cats; her training in the industry of nursing (soon she shall graduate as a registered nurse! I shall continue to feel very proud of her ^_^) and the experiences that she would encounter on a daily basis; and children and family... she has a very large and wonderful family and I have grown quite fond of them all indeed.
...but I didn't have a lot to contribute to conversation on these subjects.
Myself, if you know me, i'm sure you're aware: I am fascinated by architecture, physics, psychology, philosophy, chaos theory, ancient religions, world domination, the elder gods, all manner of video games, and politics. She wanted nothing to do with any of them.
She lives on a farm far away from the local urban centers--it was an hour and forty five minute drive from my town to her little slice of paradise out there in the fields... And yes, I adored every visit that I had, but always pined to get back to my apartment in the city, where I'd actually have a chance to find a job, where all of my friends were. She'd worked so hard to secure her land and make a place for all of her creatures, and no one, NO ONE, can EVER take that away from her after all the sacrifices that she made... and in order to facilitate this, I was, for a time, preparing myself to trample all of my dreams and ambitions for her. I was choking on the bitter pill that I would someday have to drop everything and move many, many miles away where I would be, save for Her, completely alone, unsure of what ever I could possibly do. I am not a country wolf.
And you'd think, "why, these aren't problems at all! You can work them out!" ... why, yes, I believe we could have shoehorned each other into this, surely; I'm positive we could have wedged ourselves in together obstinately, forced each other to grin and bear these things until our sensibilities swell with disgust; It's a sure thing that we could have grown complacent and distant while we drew into ourselves regarding our respective interests; I'm absolutely, positively CERTAIN ...
that we would have been miserable for the rest of our lives.
She refused to let me make a choice that would end up with me miserable.
My beloved dragon is very wise...
She saw this coming for quite some time, as have I, and by now, it had been two months since our connection to one another stopped feeling 'romantic' in nature...
The final nail in our coffin was This.
Love doesn't always mean it's right, my friends.
In the end, however, I believe we're both better off than when we started. She felt gratitude at knowing that there are actually guys like me out here... and I'm particularly very grateful myself to know that there are, in fact, women out there who are actually looking for guys like me.
Thank you.
Hey. Lets do another fad quiz
General | Posted 15 years agoSaw 
inuki doing it.
I AM SO ORIGINAL IT HURTS.
1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No .
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages/comments you and asks. And believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming... things are not exactly as they seem.
3. It is harder than it looks, but NO explanations !!! You will want to... but don't!!!
Kissed any one of your Facebook friends?
NO
Been arrested?
NO
Kissed someone you didn't like?
YES
Slept in until 5 PM?
YES
Fallen asleep at work/school?
YES
Ran a red light?
YES
Been suspended from school?
YES
Experienced love at first sight?
NO
Totaled your car in an accident?
YES
Been fired from a job?
YES
Fired somebody?
NO
Sang karaoke?
YES
Pointed a gun at someone?
NO
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
YES
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
YES
Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
NO
Kissed in the rain?
NO
Had a close brush with death (your own)?
YES
Seen someone die?
NO
Played spin-the-bottle?
NO
Sang in the shower?
YES
Smoked a cigar?
NO
Sat on a rooftop?
YES
Taken pictures of yourself naked?
NO
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes?
NO
Skipped school?
YES
Eaten a bug?
NO
Sleepwalked?
YES
Walked a moonlit beach?
YES
Ridden a motorcycle?
NO
Dumped someone?
YES
Forgotten your anniversary?
YES
Lied to avoid a ticket?
NO
Ridden on a helicopter?
NO
Shaved your head?
YES
Blacked out from drinking?
NO
Played a prank on someone?
YES
Hit a home run?
YES
Felt like killing someone?
YES
Cross-dressed?
NO
Been falling-down drunk?
NO
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
YES
Eaten snake?
YES
Marched/Protested?
YES
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets?
NO
Puked on amusement ride?
NO
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something?
YES
Been in a band?
NO
Knitted?
NO
Been on TV?
NO
Shot a gun?
YES
Skinny-dipped?
NO
Caused someone to need stitches?
NO
Ridden a surfboard?
NO
Drank straight from a liquor bottle?
YES
Had surgery?
YES
Streaked?
NO
Taken by ambulance to hospital?
YES
Passed out when not drinking?
YES
Peed on a bush?
YES
Donated Blood?
YES
Grabbed electric fence?
NO
Eaten alligator meat?
YES
Eaten cheesecake?
YES
Eaten kids' Halloween candy?
YES
Killed an animal when not hunting?
YES
Peed your pants in public?
YES
Written graffiti?
NO
Still love someone you shouldn't?
NO
Think about the future?
YES
Been in handcuffs?
NO
Believe in love?
YES
Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
NO
Hm. Don't think about these things too often.
inuki doing it. I AM SO ORIGINAL IT HURTS.
1. You can ONLY answer Yes or No .
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages/comments you and asks. And believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming... things are not exactly as they seem.
3. It is harder than it looks, but NO explanations !!! You will want to... but don't!!!
Kissed any one of your Facebook friends?
NO
Been arrested?
NO
Kissed someone you didn't like?
YES
Slept in until 5 PM?
YES
Fallen asleep at work/school?
YES
Ran a red light?
YES
Been suspended from school?
YES
Experienced love at first sight?
NO
Totaled your car in an accident?
YES
Been fired from a job?
YES
Fired somebody?
NO
Sang karaoke?
YES
Pointed a gun at someone?
NO
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
YES
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
YES
Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
NO
Kissed in the rain?
NO
Had a close brush with death (your own)?
YES
Seen someone die?
NO
Played spin-the-bottle?
NO
Sang in the shower?
YES
Smoked a cigar?
NO
Sat on a rooftop?
YES
Taken pictures of yourself naked?
NO
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes?
NO
Skipped school?
YES
Eaten a bug?
NO
Sleepwalked?
YES
Walked a moonlit beach?
YES
Ridden a motorcycle?
NO
Dumped someone?
YES
Forgotten your anniversary?
YES
Lied to avoid a ticket?
NO
Ridden on a helicopter?
NO
Shaved your head?
YES
Blacked out from drinking?
NO
Played a prank on someone?
YES
Hit a home run?
YES
Felt like killing someone?
YES
Cross-dressed?
NO
Been falling-down drunk?
NO
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
YES
Eaten snake?
YES
Marched/Protested?
YES
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets?
NO
Puked on amusement ride?
NO
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something?
YES
Been in a band?
NO
Knitted?
NO
Been on TV?
NO
Shot a gun?
YES
Skinny-dipped?
NO
Caused someone to need stitches?
NO
Ridden a surfboard?
NO
Drank straight from a liquor bottle?
YES
Had surgery?
YES
Streaked?
NO
Taken by ambulance to hospital?
YES
Passed out when not drinking?
YES
Peed on a bush?
YES
Donated Blood?
YES
Grabbed electric fence?
NO
Eaten alligator meat?
YES
Eaten cheesecake?
YES
Eaten kids' Halloween candy?
YES
Killed an animal when not hunting?
YES
Peed your pants in public?
YES
Written graffiti?
NO
Still love someone you shouldn't?
NO
Think about the future?
YES
Been in handcuffs?
NO
Believe in love?
YES
Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
NO
Hm. Don't think about these things too often.
Just How Furry...? (fad/quiz/meme)
General | Posted 15 years agoMocHi tried it, and I thought, "gee whiz, that's RIGHT up my alley!", so might as well.
1 to 5 = Furry wannabe.
6 to 10 = Furry newbie.
11 to 15 = Furry.
16 to 20 = Hardened Furry.
21 to 25 = Hardcore Furry.
1. (x) Have you ever howled at the moon?
And if I don't, I feel guilty; a beautiful moon deserves to be howled to, even if softly.
2. (x) Have you ever barked at someone?
Standard greeting to my packmates.
3. (x) Have you ever found yourself drawing or scribbling furry art when you're supposed to be doing something else?
You mean procrastinating? Wait, you mean to say that people procrastinate in OTHER ways?
4. ( ) Have you ever worn an animal costume or tail as a child and pretended to be an animal?
I'm pretty sure I did, but I can't remember well enough.
5. (x) Have you ever eaten out of a dog bowl?
Someone washed it in the dishwasher and there were no other clean bowls, and I didn't realize until I finished my cereal...
6. ( ) Have you been to at least one furry con?
Right. I wish!
7. (x) Do you like to look at furry porn all the time?
Yeah. I mean, I DO look at other stuff >_> but for my uh, 'sessions', I usually start with furry, and if it's not hitting the spot, I look at other stuff...
8. (x) Do you RP or play second life as a furry character?
My name is Stone Taggart, look me up! I own some land on FurNation Phoenix.
9. (x) Do you own a fursuit or at least a tail?
Crap. I always wanted a tail, but the tails are too... big. too plushy. I'd like a tail whose structure is a little more relevant to the -actual- architecture of a wolf's tail. I'm going to say that I actually DID have one, though. When Blackgrim moved to Florida with his at-the-time wife, he left his tail, so I saved it as my own until he came back. I gave him his tail back.
10. (x) Do you know what all these words mean or have used them at least once?
I can no longer enjoyably consider a life without these words in it.
11. ( ) Do you have at least 5 videos of you acting or doing something furry on youtube?
Crap. I don't even have five videos of me doing ANYTHING on youtube. But apparently MocHi does? ... I need to find those. You've SEEN her, right? Effing adorable. Just remember, everyfuzzy: look, don't touch.
12. ( ) Has your anthropersona/character been drawn in a furry porn type manner?
'Fraid not. Don't know how I'd feel about that. Huh.
13. ( ) Are you well known in the furry fandom?
I'm a nobody, but MocHi put an X here and said, unsurely, (i think so?) on the end. YOU ARE WELL KNOWN, MOCHI. I am OBLIVIOUS as crap, so if I know of you, you'd probably -have- to be famous x.x;
14. (x) Do you dream furry while you sleep?
I've done that more than a few times... Especially in the Cyrus Alerec Draegur identity. It's strange; I feel more connected to That Identity than my Fursona, but I just don't feel that it would be a good idea to 'switch'.
15. (x) Would you transform into your character/fursona if you were given the chance to live like that for the rest of your life?
... I would transform into my fursona if I were given a chance to live in HIS WORLD for the rest of my life.
16. ( ) Have you ever worn a collar?
CRAP! HOW COULD I NOT HAVE WORN A COLLAR!? I own a CHEW TOY for yiff's sake!
17. ( ) Do you own more than 20 art badges of your fursonas or characters?
Well, I wouldn't :\ never been to a con.
18. ( ) Have you been to more than 20 furry cons in your lifetime?
DAMMIT >_<
19. ( ) Do you think that deep down you have the spirit of an animal within you?
...I don't believe in spirits :\ At least, not -that- way.
20. (x) Do you enjoy hanging out with other furries?
YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES! :3
21. (x) Do you think we should have a furry run for president of the USA?
Okay look, I don't think that a candidate should run JUST BECAUSE s/he's furry... but if I found -out- that s/he was a furry, I PROBABLY WOULD drop everything and vote for them, unless they are diametrically opposed in policy. I dunno. How many hardliner republican furries are there? I somehow feel as though there are not many.
22. ( ) If you ever became rich would you own a room in your house that was just to display your fursuits or furry art?
Admittedly, I would have an art gallery, and it would be packed with fur, but it wouldn't be JUST fur. All of my art and music would go there; movies and video games too. I know creative content when I see it.
23. (x) Is your best friend furry? (I think I JUST converted her)
Yes. Well, I have a few friends that are 'best' to me in one aspect, but none that are 'best' in every aspect. The one that I believe I hold in absolutely the highest esteem, in fact, I don't think he considers me his best friend, so it would be presumptuous and ignorant to declare him.
24. (x) Do your furry friends call you by your furry name in public?
Yes. I'm "Stoney" or just "Stone". I got confused with ANOTHER furry who is called stoney, too >_>;
25. (x) Have you been in the furry fandom for at least 5 years?
Well holy shit, it finally happened, just in time for this quiz ^_^ Maybe ... oh lets see... since '04? Yeah. '04. See, I had furry characters, but I didn't think it would be right to call MYSELF a furry until someone accused me of not even BEING a furry, but being a poser. ...
At the time, I was incredibly pissed, but now, I appreciate her very much for that.
Damn, what was her name? She went to college with me. No, not her REAL name... Damn. I wish I kept in touch.
Total : 15. Furry. Only furry? ... I need to brush up.
1 to 5 = Furry wannabe.
6 to 10 = Furry newbie.
11 to 15 = Furry.
16 to 20 = Hardened Furry.
21 to 25 = Hardcore Furry.
1. (x) Have you ever howled at the moon?
And if I don't, I feel guilty; a beautiful moon deserves to be howled to, even if softly.
2. (x) Have you ever barked at someone?
Standard greeting to my packmates.
3. (x) Have you ever found yourself drawing or scribbling furry art when you're supposed to be doing something else?
You mean procrastinating? Wait, you mean to say that people procrastinate in OTHER ways?
4. ( ) Have you ever worn an animal costume or tail as a child and pretended to be an animal?
I'm pretty sure I did, but I can't remember well enough.
5. (x) Have you ever eaten out of a dog bowl?
Someone washed it in the dishwasher and there were no other clean bowls, and I didn't realize until I finished my cereal...
6. ( ) Have you been to at least one furry con?
Right. I wish!
7. (x) Do you like to look at furry porn all the time?
Yeah. I mean, I DO look at other stuff >_> but for my uh, 'sessions', I usually start with furry, and if it's not hitting the spot, I look at other stuff...
8. (x) Do you RP or play second life as a furry character?
My name is Stone Taggart, look me up! I own some land on FurNation Phoenix.
9. (x) Do you own a fursuit or at least a tail?
Crap. I always wanted a tail, but the tails are too... big. too plushy. I'd like a tail whose structure is a little more relevant to the -actual- architecture of a wolf's tail. I'm going to say that I actually DID have one, though. When Blackgrim moved to Florida with his at-the-time wife, he left his tail, so I saved it as my own until he came back. I gave him his tail back.
10. (x) Do you know what all these words mean or have used them at least once?
I can no longer enjoyably consider a life without these words in it.
11. ( ) Do you have at least 5 videos of you acting or doing something furry on youtube?
Crap. I don't even have five videos of me doing ANYTHING on youtube. But apparently MocHi does? ... I need to find those. You've SEEN her, right? Effing adorable. Just remember, everyfuzzy: look, don't touch.
12. ( ) Has your anthropersona/character been drawn in a furry porn type manner?
'Fraid not. Don't know how I'd feel about that. Huh.
13. ( ) Are you well known in the furry fandom?
I'm a nobody, but MocHi put an X here and said, unsurely, (i think so?) on the end. YOU ARE WELL KNOWN, MOCHI. I am OBLIVIOUS as crap, so if I know of you, you'd probably -have- to be famous x.x;
14. (x) Do you dream furry while you sleep?
I've done that more than a few times... Especially in the Cyrus Alerec Draegur identity. It's strange; I feel more connected to That Identity than my Fursona, but I just don't feel that it would be a good idea to 'switch'.
15. (x) Would you transform into your character/fursona if you were given the chance to live like that for the rest of your life?
... I would transform into my fursona if I were given a chance to live in HIS WORLD for the rest of my life.
16. ( ) Have you ever worn a collar?
CRAP! HOW COULD I NOT HAVE WORN A COLLAR!? I own a CHEW TOY for yiff's sake!
17. ( ) Do you own more than 20 art badges of your fursonas or characters?
Well, I wouldn't :\ never been to a con.
18. ( ) Have you been to more than 20 furry cons in your lifetime?
DAMMIT >_<
19. ( ) Do you think that deep down you have the spirit of an animal within you?
...I don't believe in spirits :\ At least, not -that- way.
20. (x) Do you enjoy hanging out with other furries?
YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES! :3
21. (x) Do you think we should have a furry run for president of the USA?
Okay look, I don't think that a candidate should run JUST BECAUSE s/he's furry... but if I found -out- that s/he was a furry, I PROBABLY WOULD drop everything and vote for them, unless they are diametrically opposed in policy. I dunno. How many hardliner republican furries are there? I somehow feel as though there are not many.
22. ( ) If you ever became rich would you own a room in your house that was just to display your fursuits or furry art?
Admittedly, I would have an art gallery, and it would be packed with fur, but it wouldn't be JUST fur. All of my art and music would go there; movies and video games too. I know creative content when I see it.
23. (x) Is your best friend furry? (I think I JUST converted her)
Yes. Well, I have a few friends that are 'best' to me in one aspect, but none that are 'best' in every aspect. The one that I believe I hold in absolutely the highest esteem, in fact, I don't think he considers me his best friend, so it would be presumptuous and ignorant to declare him.
24. (x) Do your furry friends call you by your furry name in public?
Yes. I'm "Stoney" or just "Stone". I got confused with ANOTHER furry who is called stoney, too >_>;
25. (x) Have you been in the furry fandom for at least 5 years?
Well holy shit, it finally happened, just in time for this quiz ^_^ Maybe ... oh lets see... since '04? Yeah. '04. See, I had furry characters, but I didn't think it would be right to call MYSELF a furry until someone accused me of not even BEING a furry, but being a poser. ...
At the time, I was incredibly pissed, but now, I appreciate her very much for that.
Damn, what was her name? She went to college with me. No, not her REAL name... Damn. I wish I kept in touch.
Total : 15. Furry. Only furry? ... I need to brush up.
Friendly Fire
General | Posted 15 years agoI'm pretty aghast. I find it patently incredible that I could react so poorly to something so insubstantial... but suddenly, it seems inescapable that whether or not they're 'friends', and whether or not there truly was any malice behind their mirth, it's irrelevent to the fact that saying things which jab at where I'm absolutely the most insecure--AND doing it for the VERY PURPOSE of making me squirm--is something that a person would do if they were the kind of person whom I would NOT want as a friend.
There isn't a way to explain to someone that something hurts without provoking direct cruelty where once it was indirect. I don't think I could handle that if the people in my life became hostile because they found out that their innocent 'play' truly hurt me.
... people are offended and disgusted with big soft cowards who are over-reactive, oversensitive, and excessively vulnerable to 'harmless' behavior. Hell. I feel exactly the same toward people who try to censor ME and the friends that I actually manage to maintain faith in because they cry crocodile tears and make a big mess out of a simple thing.
so this is all I'll say on it. I will never actually say out loud exactly what or who it was that bothered me, because one of two things will happen; either A), they'll feel sorry for me and change their behavior on my behalf and always feel as if they personally went out of their way for my benefit and hold it over my head as a debt whether it's conscious or not, or B), they'll resent my weakness and move toward deliberate hurt, and BOTH of these are bad things. I don't want resentment OR pity. I don't want a frying pan OR a fire. I don't want a rock OR a hard place. But beggars ain't choosers, are they?
There isn't a way to explain to someone that something hurts without provoking direct cruelty where once it was indirect. I don't think I could handle that if the people in my life became hostile because they found out that their innocent 'play' truly hurt me.
... people are offended and disgusted with big soft cowards who are over-reactive, oversensitive, and excessively vulnerable to 'harmless' behavior. Hell. I feel exactly the same toward people who try to censor ME and the friends that I actually manage to maintain faith in because they cry crocodile tears and make a big mess out of a simple thing.
so this is all I'll say on it. I will never actually say out loud exactly what or who it was that bothered me, because one of two things will happen; either A), they'll feel sorry for me and change their behavior on my behalf and always feel as if they personally went out of their way for my benefit and hold it over my head as a debt whether it's conscious or not, or B), they'll resent my weakness and move toward deliberate hurt, and BOTH of these are bad things. I don't want resentment OR pity. I don't want a frying pan OR a fire. I don't want a rock OR a hard place. But beggars ain't choosers, are they?
How I Became An Atheist
General | Posted 15 years agoI would like to share with you an abbreviation of the event wherein I decided that God didn't exist.
It was years ago. I was, perhaps, 16 or so. You see, I was praying. God was literally an imaginary friend of mine. I got good vibes and shit, I got advice, good advice, but always tinged with the reminder:
"I'm glad that you want to consider the most responsible options--always--but I'm sure you're already aware, my son, that I simply tell you what you already know deep down."
My imaginary friend, aka God, always had a tendency to encourage me to learn things that are backed with facts and evidence. It instilled in me a feeling of pride to have that imaginary pat on the back.
One day, I had an epiphany. I asked 'him', "... God, you're not real, are you? The universe seems to kind of run itself. Are you really there after all?" and as usual, I got a response, from somewhere within my own imagination. What "he" said was with what seemed a rueful shake of "his" head; his tone was gentle, encouraging, and every word was brimming with love and pride. It was the most moving response I'd ever gotten from a prayer:
"You know, I've been waiting for you all to each finally come to that conclusion for a very long time. Some of you never do, but when you do, I am so glad for it...
"You see, my son, I'm sure you've noticed by now, that... if I did create the universe, I created it with every intention to make it seem like it did not need me to. If I didn't have the power to do that, who would! For all intents and purposes, from inside the universe, I may or may not even exist at all. Why should I need to exist?
"Look at it this way: Whether or not I am imaginary is irrelevant, for, regardless of whether I Am or Am Not, the result is exactly the same. As always, it is you who have the choice:
"You can either choose that I intended it to be this way, that I set up the entire universe for the benefit of its sapient beings to discover, for me to observe in delight without any intervention or intrusion except when those sapient beings choose to consider me; or, you could choose that I never even existed at all, and that the sapient beings of the universe you know are just imagining me, and that all of my wisdom was really just you, discovering yourself!
"One way or another, I want you to choose whatever makes you happier. Either I am proud of you, or you are proud of yourself for figuring it out. That's what matters the most. That's how the brain works, after all. Good choices feel good! I should know, I 'designed it' that way, didn't I? Heh!
"I'm glad you figured it out! Always remain curious. I suspect you won't need to talk to me very much ever again."
... and that was it.
It was years ago. I was, perhaps, 16 or so. You see, I was praying. God was literally an imaginary friend of mine. I got good vibes and shit, I got advice, good advice, but always tinged with the reminder:
"I'm glad that you want to consider the most responsible options--always--but I'm sure you're already aware, my son, that I simply tell you what you already know deep down."
My imaginary friend, aka God, always had a tendency to encourage me to learn things that are backed with facts and evidence. It instilled in me a feeling of pride to have that imaginary pat on the back.
One day, I had an epiphany. I asked 'him', "... God, you're not real, are you? The universe seems to kind of run itself. Are you really there after all?" and as usual, I got a response, from somewhere within my own imagination. What "he" said was with what seemed a rueful shake of "his" head; his tone was gentle, encouraging, and every word was brimming with love and pride. It was the most moving response I'd ever gotten from a prayer:
"You know, I've been waiting for you all to each finally come to that conclusion for a very long time. Some of you never do, but when you do, I am so glad for it...
"You see, my son, I'm sure you've noticed by now, that... if I did create the universe, I created it with every intention to make it seem like it did not need me to. If I didn't have the power to do that, who would! For all intents and purposes, from inside the universe, I may or may not even exist at all. Why should I need to exist?
"Look at it this way: Whether or not I am imaginary is irrelevant, for, regardless of whether I Am or Am Not, the result is exactly the same. As always, it is you who have the choice:
"You can either choose that I intended it to be this way, that I set up the entire universe for the benefit of its sapient beings to discover, for me to observe in delight without any intervention or intrusion except when those sapient beings choose to consider me; or, you could choose that I never even existed at all, and that the sapient beings of the universe you know are just imagining me, and that all of my wisdom was really just you, discovering yourself!
"One way or another, I want you to choose whatever makes you happier. Either I am proud of you, or you are proud of yourself for figuring it out. That's what matters the most. That's how the brain works, after all. Good choices feel good! I should know, I 'designed it' that way, didn't I? Heh!
"I'm glad you figured it out! Always remain curious. I suspect you won't need to talk to me very much ever again."
... and that was it.
Economics.
General | Posted 15 years agoTIME FOR A RANT.
I've got a friend. He's not my oldest friend, but he's a dear friend, nigh on a little brother to me... and he cannot get a job.
Now, it's not for lack of trying. Don't even fucking THINK of accusing him of that. If he got paid by the hour for all the applications he's filled out, all the interviews he's gone to, all the going door to door just ASKING if the place would even accept his plea for the right to earn minimum wage doing absolutely anything for them, he would be richer than ANYONE I KNOW.
I worked mall security. I worked at a grocery store for a while. I worked at a convenience store in MA. I worked for a dining hall scrubbing pots and pans for a little while, too. My roommates have had it MUCH, MUCH HARDER. They've done their time working for fast food and convenience stores and now they're settled as a butcher and a cake decorator, and that's where they plan to stay, even! The friend I'm referring to has applied to all of those jobs, and none of them have ever given him the time of day. Here's what sets friend A and friends B and C apart:
Friend A did not lie on his job applications.
He has a nasty habit called being honest.
He's all about justice and fairness.
He's a good guy.
And that's why the economy refuses to touch him.
The universe is not fair OR just. It's our prerogative as sapient beings to MAKE it fair and just, but the people who are in the best position to do that? They don't WANT to. There IS class warfare. We're not waging it, but the rich are--and they're WINNING. WE can't win by playing by their rules. They wrote those rules. Those rules are engineered to benefit THEM, and them alone!
Honesty is a luxury that the little people can't afford. Where would they get it? It's not very damned likely they'll get it from the business world. Businesses have engineered a nice little system where if you aren't the sinless reincarnation of Jesus H. FUCKING CHRIST HIMSELF, you can NOT be honest on a job application and still get the job. They've strung it up nice and tidy to keep their employees expendable, so they can "find out" about the lies that let them in if ever that employee becomes... disagreeable.
They don't want naive, weak-willed people working there anyway. They want people who are versatile, with quick wits, and the skill to convince their CUSTOMERS that they are naive and honest. It's not about honesty. It's about the appearance of honesty. I'm afraid that when my pal gets kicked out of his parents' home for not smoking weed or getting drunk, not crashing his car into every possible obstruction he can find, and NOT costing them thousands and thousands of dollars like his BROTHER, WHOM THEY WANT TO KEEP, that he's going to starve...
And then he'll have to ask that question: What's worse?
Putting a white lie on a job application so you at least have a -chance- to Earn your survival?
Or living on the street where you have to mug people and dig through dumpsters to survive?
Life makes liars out of all of us.
I've got a friend. He's not my oldest friend, but he's a dear friend, nigh on a little brother to me... and he cannot get a job.
Now, it's not for lack of trying. Don't even fucking THINK of accusing him of that. If he got paid by the hour for all the applications he's filled out, all the interviews he's gone to, all the going door to door just ASKING if the place would even accept his plea for the right to earn minimum wage doing absolutely anything for them, he would be richer than ANYONE I KNOW.
I worked mall security. I worked at a grocery store for a while. I worked at a convenience store in MA. I worked for a dining hall scrubbing pots and pans for a little while, too. My roommates have had it MUCH, MUCH HARDER. They've done their time working for fast food and convenience stores and now they're settled as a butcher and a cake decorator, and that's where they plan to stay, even! The friend I'm referring to has applied to all of those jobs, and none of them have ever given him the time of day. Here's what sets friend A and friends B and C apart:
Friend A did not lie on his job applications.
He has a nasty habit called being honest.
He's all about justice and fairness.
He's a good guy.
And that's why the economy refuses to touch him.
The universe is not fair OR just. It's our prerogative as sapient beings to MAKE it fair and just, but the people who are in the best position to do that? They don't WANT to. There IS class warfare. We're not waging it, but the rich are--and they're WINNING. WE can't win by playing by their rules. They wrote those rules. Those rules are engineered to benefit THEM, and them alone!
Honesty is a luxury that the little people can't afford. Where would they get it? It's not very damned likely they'll get it from the business world. Businesses have engineered a nice little system where if you aren't the sinless reincarnation of Jesus H. FUCKING CHRIST HIMSELF, you can NOT be honest on a job application and still get the job. They've strung it up nice and tidy to keep their employees expendable, so they can "find out" about the lies that let them in if ever that employee becomes... disagreeable.
They don't want naive, weak-willed people working there anyway. They want people who are versatile, with quick wits, and the skill to convince their CUSTOMERS that they are naive and honest. It's not about honesty. It's about the appearance of honesty. I'm afraid that when my pal gets kicked out of his parents' home for not smoking weed or getting drunk, not crashing his car into every possible obstruction he can find, and NOT costing them thousands and thousands of dollars like his BROTHER, WHOM THEY WANT TO KEEP, that he's going to starve...
And then he'll have to ask that question: What's worse?
Putting a white lie on a job application so you at least have a -chance- to Earn your survival?
Or living on the street where you have to mug people and dig through dumpsters to survive?
Life makes liars out of all of us.
A connection perhaps (a reprisal)
General | Posted 16 years agoThere's a bunny who lives in Oregon...
and I'm crazy about her.
It's been, oh, three months since this all started, and it's been a very bumpy road.
I am not sure at this point whether or not she considers me her mate, but the truth is, I do love her, and she claims that she loves me (Although her actions have given me... pause). You see... it seemed like we had excellent chemistry. She seemed engaging, easy to talk to and listen to. She is intelligent, notwithstanding the recent event, and has been around the block a number of times, so she knows how to go about things and not get herself hurt--again, notwithstanding the recent event.
Moreover... she's an artist, a musician, career-oriented in medicine and attending a school for dentistry, she has an irish accent... that makes me melt out of my chair x.x and when she sings, oh gods help me, when she sings... I want nothing more than to be there for her; at her back supporting her, before her defending her, at her side to face the world -with- her; it seemed equal.
... except she dumped me for the period of a month.
That was what went wrong. From january the eighth up to the very first of February, my bunny was no longer willing to be part of our official relationship. She removed me from many parts of her life; the essential equivalent of burning all of your photos and diary entries of someone, and erasing all your call history to that person as well. So I wasn't just dumped; I was erased. She, for the time, had finally caught the attention of a girl she'd been attracted to for a very long time. Oh yes. Bunny is Bi.
For the month of january, I was in a miserable hole. I tried very hard to not let it affect me, and for the most part, it didn't get me FIRED, didn't cost me my car, my friends, or my apartment. I managed to pull up before hitting the ground. That said, I DID lose a lot of altitude, to continue the metaphor, and got scratched up by a number of trees; I had less interest in my own maintenance, and it seemed like a struggle just to get up every day. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and forget the universe, and wanted the universe to forget me.
When Injured, Dig a Den and Curl Up In It: it's a wolf thing.
I had just managed to strike some equilibrium, when bunny came on and told me that she had made a mistake, missed me, still loved me, wished she'd never done it, and science as my witness I want her back, fuck, do I EVER want her back ;_; Seeing her made me happier than I thought I had been -capable- of being! I love her gods dammit! I don't fall out of love! No one has ever wanted to come back to me! Surprise surprise, the girl she was with... was using her. Using her to net jealousy from the girl's ex.
I have not ever, ever, done anything to hurt her. I haven't used her, taken her for granted, or disrespected her. I gave her space, I gave her all the patience I could muster, and she seemed to not take -me- for granted at the time... and it strikes me, for all the world, as though she'd forgotten how shitty other people can be while basking in my 'aura of nice' x.x;
I mean, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the only mistake she'll ever make.
I have been looking for advice for a long time about this... I've asked countless dear friends for their perspective. the consensus has been pretty much that, in their eyes, they feel that my bunny is worthless, untrustworthy, and not good enough for me. As highly as I think of her, naturally hearing this turns my blood to ice. They don't think I should give her another chance. They don't think I should give her even the time of day...
but you know what? I ... haven't had anyone this close to me in -years-... Looking at her, except for this ONE thing, albeit it was a devastating thing--and temporary at that--she has... everything I ever hoped for in a mate... and I do love her... I do.
A piece of my mind still wonders if this is a mistake, but acquiesces quietly, with an amiable nod of acknowledgement that I want to let her back into my life.
The way I figure, get me once, shame on you; get me twice, shame on me. There has to be a twice. I can accept that shame. I am willing to take the risk. I can handle being dumped again, if it happens; and if it doesn't, maybe she was the one all along and just hadn't figured it out yet ^^;
cheers.
and I'm crazy about her.
It's been, oh, three months since this all started, and it's been a very bumpy road.
I am not sure at this point whether or not she considers me her mate, but the truth is, I do love her, and she claims that she loves me (Although her actions have given me... pause). You see... it seemed like we had excellent chemistry. She seemed engaging, easy to talk to and listen to. She is intelligent, notwithstanding the recent event, and has been around the block a number of times, so she knows how to go about things and not get herself hurt--again, notwithstanding the recent event.
Moreover... she's an artist, a musician, career-oriented in medicine and attending a school for dentistry, she has an irish accent... that makes me melt out of my chair x.x and when she sings, oh gods help me, when she sings... I want nothing more than to be there for her; at her back supporting her, before her defending her, at her side to face the world -with- her; it seemed equal.
... except she dumped me for the period of a month.
That was what went wrong. From january the eighth up to the very first of February, my bunny was no longer willing to be part of our official relationship. She removed me from many parts of her life; the essential equivalent of burning all of your photos and diary entries of someone, and erasing all your call history to that person as well. So I wasn't just dumped; I was erased. She, for the time, had finally caught the attention of a girl she'd been attracted to for a very long time. Oh yes. Bunny is Bi.
For the month of january, I was in a miserable hole. I tried very hard to not let it affect me, and for the most part, it didn't get me FIRED, didn't cost me my car, my friends, or my apartment. I managed to pull up before hitting the ground. That said, I DID lose a lot of altitude, to continue the metaphor, and got scratched up by a number of trees; I had less interest in my own maintenance, and it seemed like a struggle just to get up every day. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and forget the universe, and wanted the universe to forget me.
When Injured, Dig a Den and Curl Up In It: it's a wolf thing.
I had just managed to strike some equilibrium, when bunny came on and told me that she had made a mistake, missed me, still loved me, wished she'd never done it, and science as my witness I want her back, fuck, do I EVER want her back ;_; Seeing her made me happier than I thought I had been -capable- of being! I love her gods dammit! I don't fall out of love! No one has ever wanted to come back to me! Surprise surprise, the girl she was with... was using her. Using her to net jealousy from the girl's ex.
I have not ever, ever, done anything to hurt her. I haven't used her, taken her for granted, or disrespected her. I gave her space, I gave her all the patience I could muster, and she seemed to not take -me- for granted at the time... and it strikes me, for all the world, as though she'd forgotten how shitty other people can be while basking in my 'aura of nice' x.x;
I mean, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the only mistake she'll ever make.
I have been looking for advice for a long time about this... I've asked countless dear friends for their perspective. the consensus has been pretty much that, in their eyes, they feel that my bunny is worthless, untrustworthy, and not good enough for me. As highly as I think of her, naturally hearing this turns my blood to ice. They don't think I should give her another chance. They don't think I should give her even the time of day...
but you know what? I ... haven't had anyone this close to me in -years-... Looking at her, except for this ONE thing, albeit it was a devastating thing--and temporary at that--she has... everything I ever hoped for in a mate... and I do love her... I do.
A piece of my mind still wonders if this is a mistake, but acquiesces quietly, with an amiable nod of acknowledgement that I want to let her back into my life.
The way I figure, get me once, shame on you; get me twice, shame on me. There has to be a twice. I can accept that shame. I am willing to take the risk. I can handle being dumped again, if it happens; and if it doesn't, maybe she was the one all along and just hadn't figured it out yet ^^;
cheers.
Connecting
General | Posted 16 years agoI just don't have a lot of time anymore! Every time I feel that I have stabilized myself on one level, I find a whole new level on which I am still tumbling in freefall...
I believe I'm finally looking at the prospect of having a mate again... I don't think it would be appropriate to go counting unhatched chickens or build up vast temples of fiction to superimpose on a certain dear individual I find myself suddenly caring very, very much for...
but suffice it to say I'm thrilled at the possibility ^_^
I believe I'm finally looking at the prospect of having a mate again... I don't think it would be appropriate to go counting unhatched chickens or build up vast temples of fiction to superimpose on a certain dear individual I find myself suddenly caring very, very much for...
but suffice it to say I'm thrilled at the possibility ^_^
Survivor
General | Posted 16 years agoA lot happens, and generally knocks me off of a routine. I am having a hard time finding out where to start, since my last update was more than a month ago. Some of my friends already know about what happened to me: I kind of... almost died.
It wasn't some sort of accident out of the blue precipitated by stupidity, unless it is months-old stupidity which had finally percolated to maturity by August the 5th... but that night, I tried to go to bed, and I couldn't breathe.
...couldn't breathe without excruciating agony.
I have memories of being stabbed. I suppose it wasn't nearly as painful as that, but having broken ribs was pretty close. Funny how vivid fictional memories can be. No. whenever I tried to inhale, the dull throbbing pain around my left ribs and shoulder suddenly escalated to a jolting "stab". For a time, I was hallucinating; thinking that perhaps I'd slipped into another reality -with- my body this time, into a universe where my lungs didn't work, and only my willpower was causing oxygen to leak into this dangerous, alien place from the earth I left behind. Eventually I limped out into the living room, clutching at my side and rasping on the verge of unconsciousness, sunk down into my computer chair, and searched "HURTS TO BREATHE" on Google before, in the familliar muscle-memory position of hunched in that blasted seat, I dozed off.
It turned out I was supposed to visit Sir Diven, AKA Taxifox, for his birthday party the next day, and I was awakened by my phone ringing. It was him. I said something akin to, I will try to make it, but I'm having a problem that might make it hard for me, essentially that breathing hurt. I could almost feel him slap me through the receiver. "CYRUS. GO TO THE HOSPITAL OR I WILL SEND YOU THERE IN A BODY BAG", to paraphrase.
So I poured myself into my car and carefully drove to the urgent care center of my doctors' office. I simply said "hurts...to... breathe..." between agonized gasps, if you could even call something that shallow a gasp, and sat in the corner struggling for every gulp of air while I read. I was starting to draw stares by the time they finally called me. The doctor wasted no time. He said "Go down the hall, get x-rays."
Fifteen minutes later, we were looking at the results. Turns out... there was some kind of obstruction in my left lung. Fluid, he surmised. So he sent me to Lewis Gale to get a CT Scan.
I got there, drove myself... struggled to navigate the beuraucracy as best I could, and finally when they scanned me, it was literally minutes before the doctor called me at the hospital in one of the many waiting rooms. He said...
"<<REDACTED>>, I just got the results and... it looks like you've got some blood clots in your lungs. It's called a pulmonary embalism. I need you to go downstairs to the hospitalist and tell her what's going on, I will send the necessary documentation electronically."
(to be continued)
(continued, two hours later at second break)
So... I went downstairs and they rushed me through. Once the hospitalist decided that she'd be liable if she allowed me to jostle around enough that the clot got loose, and could go into my brain and KILL ME, she had me sit in a wheel chair and rolled me up to my room right away. I felt silly, but my gods was it a relief to be put on oxygen. I didn't -need- to inhale. for the first time in 24 hours, I was not in pain.
(need to get back to work AGAIN)
It wasn't some sort of accident out of the blue precipitated by stupidity, unless it is months-old stupidity which had finally percolated to maturity by August the 5th... but that night, I tried to go to bed, and I couldn't breathe.
...couldn't breathe without excruciating agony.
I have memories of being stabbed. I suppose it wasn't nearly as painful as that, but having broken ribs was pretty close. Funny how vivid fictional memories can be. No. whenever I tried to inhale, the dull throbbing pain around my left ribs and shoulder suddenly escalated to a jolting "stab". For a time, I was hallucinating; thinking that perhaps I'd slipped into another reality -with- my body this time, into a universe where my lungs didn't work, and only my willpower was causing oxygen to leak into this dangerous, alien place from the earth I left behind. Eventually I limped out into the living room, clutching at my side and rasping on the verge of unconsciousness, sunk down into my computer chair, and searched "HURTS TO BREATHE" on Google before, in the familliar muscle-memory position of hunched in that blasted seat, I dozed off.
It turned out I was supposed to visit Sir Diven, AKA Taxifox, for his birthday party the next day, and I was awakened by my phone ringing. It was him. I said something akin to, I will try to make it, but I'm having a problem that might make it hard for me, essentially that breathing hurt. I could almost feel him slap me through the receiver. "CYRUS. GO TO THE HOSPITAL OR I WILL SEND YOU THERE IN A BODY BAG", to paraphrase.
So I poured myself into my car and carefully drove to the urgent care center of my doctors' office. I simply said "hurts...to... breathe..." between agonized gasps, if you could even call something that shallow a gasp, and sat in the corner struggling for every gulp of air while I read. I was starting to draw stares by the time they finally called me. The doctor wasted no time. He said "Go down the hall, get x-rays."
Fifteen minutes later, we were looking at the results. Turns out... there was some kind of obstruction in my left lung. Fluid, he surmised. So he sent me to Lewis Gale to get a CT Scan.
I got there, drove myself... struggled to navigate the beuraucracy as best I could, and finally when they scanned me, it was literally minutes before the doctor called me at the hospital in one of the many waiting rooms. He said...
"<<REDACTED>>, I just got the results and... it looks like you've got some blood clots in your lungs. It's called a pulmonary embalism. I need you to go downstairs to the hospitalist and tell her what's going on, I will send the necessary documentation electronically."
(to be continued)
(continued, two hours later at second break)
So... I went downstairs and they rushed me through. Once the hospitalist decided that she'd be liable if she allowed me to jostle around enough that the clot got loose, and could go into my brain and KILL ME, she had me sit in a wheel chair and rolled me up to my room right away. I felt silly, but my gods was it a relief to be put on oxygen. I didn't -need- to inhale. for the first time in 24 hours, I was not in pain.
(need to get back to work AGAIN)
Misfortune
General | Posted 16 years agoMy brand new computer is a lemon.
this isn't something that the technicians at best buy have confirmed yet, but I am rather positive that it is the case. I have wasted several hundred dollars and a lot of gas on getting a new machine together, but here I am using my laptop again. I was telling this to a friend, and I apologize, but I think I'll just have to copypaste from what I told her, as I can't put it any better.
When I bought my new computer, some people were surprised when I made it known that I was keeping this laptop. My new computer went two weeks before becoming a paperweight--thank the gods an old, good friend of mine bought its warranty for my birthday--and here's my laptop, still chugging away.
And that's why i'm still keeping it.
This laptop is five years old. For a computer, that is obscene. It still boots... it still allows me to come here and to talk to my friends. This machine may have some performance lackings, but it has never failed me. not even once. Period.
Now, some people someday may have fancy machines that might simultaneously be able to build and simulate an entire universe on a sub-atomic level that are so fragile that they bluescreen if you look at them the wrong way... or reduce to permanent bootloop failure if you drop a pin the next room over. This laptop, though, has been through hell and back, and it's still with me.
I... love this laptop.
Now, I know it did not choose to be here. I know it's an inanimate object; she doesn't have a choice or any opinion on the matter. Even if she did, she'd still be here because physics decided -for- her. But...
if any person went through what this little machine did, for me, that person would be the most important person in the world to me.
That's all I'm saying. I will not put this computer through any additional strain if I can help it. I won't do any gaming until I get a new machine... that works... for ANY SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF TIME...
Suffice it to say I am rather disillusioned. My trust has been damaged, directly, by this investment and nigh-immediate FAILURE. I seriously consider giving up on gaming altogether; just fuck it all. fuck WoW, fuck EQ2, fuck Starcraft 2 when it comes out, fuck Mass Effect, fuck... even secondlife ... all of it. I looked at some of the other amazing artists of the world, and do you know what the major difference between them and me is?
I play video games.
If I spent my time creating rather than impaling my imagination on prefabricated experiences--HOWEVER beautifully crafted--I would probably make worthwhile art. I might be making things that people would even pay me for. I might be creating the prefabricated experiences that people like me spend so much time and money on today. My laptop can use my tablet. She still has three of her four original USB ports still working. That's enough for my tablet and maybe a scanner if I can afford that--if I DARE to invest in technology again any time soon, if ever again...
I'm bitter. Sometimes you just want to feel bitter. Just wade in it, because it satisfies something deep down, but I think I'm going to take a deep breath, having vented all of this out, and start reading again. I'm reading The Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny... which is an incredible set of psychological fantasy stories in the fifth dimension. You won't get it until you read it, and I suggest you do. I also have the next book of the sword of truth series to go through. doesn't the late Robert Jordan's last wheel of time book come out soon? I forget. Reading is always good because it manipulates all centers of the brain. When you have to imagine the scene before you, all of your senses pitch in. Whereas, with movies, you don't HAVE to do any imagining, a book inspires you to fill in -all- the blanks, and I'd forgotten how much I loved that.
If only I had a strawberry daiquiri, a big thrunderstorm outside, and a perch high up in the shelves, I'd feel just at home, just like my old library...
Guess I will have to settle for muggy silence and diet cherry Pepsi in the corner easy chair.
Safe journeys, and storm protect you.
this isn't something that the technicians at best buy have confirmed yet, but I am rather positive that it is the case. I have wasted several hundred dollars and a lot of gas on getting a new machine together, but here I am using my laptop again. I was telling this to a friend, and I apologize, but I think I'll just have to copypaste from what I told her, as I can't put it any better.
When I bought my new computer, some people were surprised when I made it known that I was keeping this laptop. My new computer went two weeks before becoming a paperweight--thank the gods an old, good friend of mine bought its warranty for my birthday--and here's my laptop, still chugging away.
And that's why i'm still keeping it.
This laptop is five years old. For a computer, that is obscene. It still boots... it still allows me to come here and to talk to my friends. This machine may have some performance lackings, but it has never failed me. not even once. Period.
Now, some people someday may have fancy machines that might simultaneously be able to build and simulate an entire universe on a sub-atomic level that are so fragile that they bluescreen if you look at them the wrong way... or reduce to permanent bootloop failure if you drop a pin the next room over. This laptop, though, has been through hell and back, and it's still with me.
I... love this laptop.
Now, I know it did not choose to be here. I know it's an inanimate object; she doesn't have a choice or any opinion on the matter. Even if she did, she'd still be here because physics decided -for- her. But...
if any person went through what this little machine did, for me, that person would be the most important person in the world to me.
That's all I'm saying. I will not put this computer through any additional strain if I can help it. I won't do any gaming until I get a new machine... that works... for ANY SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF TIME...
Suffice it to say I am rather disillusioned. My trust has been damaged, directly, by this investment and nigh-immediate FAILURE. I seriously consider giving up on gaming altogether; just fuck it all. fuck WoW, fuck EQ2, fuck Starcraft 2 when it comes out, fuck Mass Effect, fuck... even secondlife ... all of it. I looked at some of the other amazing artists of the world, and do you know what the major difference between them and me is?
I play video games.
If I spent my time creating rather than impaling my imagination on prefabricated experiences--HOWEVER beautifully crafted--I would probably make worthwhile art. I might be making things that people would even pay me for. I might be creating the prefabricated experiences that people like me spend so much time and money on today. My laptop can use my tablet. She still has three of her four original USB ports still working. That's enough for my tablet and maybe a scanner if I can afford that--if I DARE to invest in technology again any time soon, if ever again...
I'm bitter. Sometimes you just want to feel bitter. Just wade in it, because it satisfies something deep down, but I think I'm going to take a deep breath, having vented all of this out, and start reading again. I'm reading The Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny... which is an incredible set of psychological fantasy stories in the fifth dimension. You won't get it until you read it, and I suggest you do. I also have the next book of the sword of truth series to go through. doesn't the late Robert Jordan's last wheel of time book come out soon? I forget. Reading is always good because it manipulates all centers of the brain. When you have to imagine the scene before you, all of your senses pitch in. Whereas, with movies, you don't HAVE to do any imagining, a book inspires you to fill in -all- the blanks, and I'd forgotten how much I loved that.
If only I had a strawberry daiquiri, a big thrunderstorm outside, and a perch high up in the shelves, I'd feel just at home, just like my old library...
Guess I will have to settle for muggy silence and diet cherry Pepsi in the corner easy chair.
Safe journeys, and storm protect you.
Not so bad.
General | Posted 16 years agoLike so many other things, I'm pleased to find that I overestimated the difficulty, and now, the going is easy. I feel a little silly for getting so worked up.
I have had a long time to think about my status, and I am sorry if I have upset anyone. 24 is not that old. Besides, now if I apply for financial aid, the authorities can no longer legally consider my parents' income. Therefore, I may, perhaps, be able to go back to school. I would like to pay off this credit card first.
I feel a little better about some things. I feel guilt and regret about others. I find that I have a demanding mindset about too many things, and it is my hope that I will be more reasonable with myself, and thus cease to deter myself from doing things--not things that I 'ought' to do, neither things that I 'should' do, nor things that I 'must' do, but things that I 'want' to do, and to translate tasks that will assist me into tasks that I want to do naturally.
Although, there are some matters of discipline that I only feel 'stress' over doing after thinking about them: push-ups every morning on the stairs, going to bed at a respectable hour, limiting caloric intake, continuing regular maintenance... all of these things become more obstinate when I try to reinforce them as things I 'need' to do as opposed to things I want to do.
These human minds are incredible at defeating themselves. I believe I am getting the hang of things and--dare I say it? YES!--I am actually starting to believe that I am going sane for the first time in... any of my existences.
I have had a long time to think about my status, and I am sorry if I have upset anyone. 24 is not that old. Besides, now if I apply for financial aid, the authorities can no longer legally consider my parents' income. Therefore, I may, perhaps, be able to go back to school. I would like to pay off this credit card first.
I feel a little better about some things. I feel guilt and regret about others. I find that I have a demanding mindset about too many things, and it is my hope that I will be more reasonable with myself, and thus cease to deter myself from doing things--not things that I 'ought' to do, neither things that I 'should' do, nor things that I 'must' do, but things that I 'want' to do, and to translate tasks that will assist me into tasks that I want to do naturally.
Although, there are some matters of discipline that I only feel 'stress' over doing after thinking about them: push-ups every morning on the stairs, going to bed at a respectable hour, limiting caloric intake, continuing regular maintenance... all of these things become more obstinate when I try to reinforce them as things I 'need' to do as opposed to things I want to do.
These human minds are incredible at defeating themselves. I believe I am getting the hang of things and--dare I say it? YES!--I am actually starting to believe that I am going sane for the first time in... any of my existences.
