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YAY another fad quiz thingy.
General | Posted 18 years agoGanked from the lovely ms. 
target
Your Boy Side
[ ] You love hoodies.
[ ] You love jeans.
[ ] Dogs are better than cats.
[ ] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[X] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[ ] Shopping is torture.
[ ] Sad movies suck.
[ ] You own an X-Box.
[X] Played with Hotwheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[ ] You watch sports on TV.
[ ] Gory movies are cool
[ ] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You like going to football games.
[ ] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[X] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[ ] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[X] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[X] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[ ] Sports are fun.
[ ] Talk with food in your mouth.
[ ] Wear boxers.
Total = 5 Points
Your Girl Side
[ ] You wear lip gloss.
[ ] You love to shop.
[ ] You wear eyeliner.
[X] You have some of the same shirts in different colors.
[ ] You wear the color pink.
[ ] Go to your mom for advice.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[X] You like hanging out at the mall.
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[ ] You like wearing jewelry.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[ ] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[X] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance.
[X] It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories. *NOTE: I don't do some of these, but it takes me an hour at least. x.x
[X] You smile a lot more than you should.
[ ] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[X] You care about what you look like. (I didn't think I would, ever, but ... i do.
[ ] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[X] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
[ ] You wear girl underwear.
[X] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
[ ] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.
[ ] Like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.
Total = 8
As far as entirely arbitrary quizzes go, I'm fascinated by what it had to say. I'm a little disappointed that it didn't even get to my favorite color. I mean, yes, I love black and silver, but my real favorite is purple! The nerve! :p
Funny though. I'm admitting that, lately, I've liked dressing in nicer clothes and taking better care of myself. Hell... I DID have a doll when I was like, seven. Ah well... I even kind of enjoy shopping for the clothes I wear these days. There's this clothing store down the hill called Hamrick's, and I have no problem spending an afternoon picking out some new shirts. I enjoy comparing the colors. I'm told that vivid shades of darker colors (Like cobalt blue compared to sky blue, or a deep red vs. pink, dark autumn orange or rust instead of yellow, things like that) look good on me. And I don't really mind exploring the idea of that. I think I'm in better touch with myself than I've ever been.
At some point, I just started to hate the stereotype of masculinity, I guess, so I just don't operate SPECIFICALLY within its parameters anymore. I haven't for years. The questions seemed almost a little repugnant... boys apparently love to see other people in pain, which is something that makes me profoundly sad. I'll be the first to admit that I can be very rough around the edges and sloppy, but I'm not barbaric, and I'm glad for that.
Sports always rubbed me the wrong way too. They were always a painful, uncomfortable, humiliating waste of time. It angered me, when I was little, that people actually expected me to be sad about being last pick. Screw getting picked; I just wanted to sit down and DRAW! Or read a BOOK! The ignorance I always saw around me.. it makes me sick to my stomach. I am so glad I didn't grow up to be like them. Stereotypical men... do you know where they end up? They end up fat, drunk, and alone, watching late night infomercials on a beat-up la-z-boy wearing their raunchy stained boxers, a filthy sweaty brown (it's supposed to be white) wifebeater and a tattered flannel shirt, smelling of beer, vomit, and piss. Fuck that. That isn't life!
Thank you, gods, for my soul, my inspiration, my friends, my home, my dedication, my luck, and every one of the little details that make me who I am and not one of them. I'm glad to be me, where I am, what I'm doing and who I'm with. I wouldn't trade this moment for anything!
<3!
targetYour Boy Side
[ ] You love hoodies.
[ ] You love jeans.
[ ] Dogs are better than cats.
[ ] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[X] You've played with/against boys on a team.
[ ] Shopping is torture.
[ ] Sad movies suck.
[ ] You own an X-Box.
[X] Played with Hotwheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[ ] You watch sports on TV.
[ ] Gory movies are cool
[ ] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You like going to football games.
[ ] You used to/do collect baseball cards.
[X] Baggy pants are cool to wear.
[ ] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[X] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[X] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[ ] Sports are fun.
[ ] Talk with food in your mouth.
[ ] Wear boxers.
Total = 5 Points
Your Girl Side
[ ] You wear lip gloss.
[ ] You love to shop.
[ ] You wear eyeliner.
[X] You have some of the same shirts in different colors.
[ ] You wear the color pink.
[ ] Go to your mom for advice.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[X] You like hanging out at the mall.
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[ ] You like wearing jewelry.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[ ] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[X] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance.
[X] It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories. *NOTE: I don't do some of these, but it takes me an hour at least. x.x
[X] You smile a lot more than you should.
[ ] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[X] You care about what you look like. (I didn't think I would, ever, but ... i do.
[ ] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[X] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
[ ] You wear girl underwear.
[X] Used to play with dolls as little kid.
[ ] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.
[ ] Like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.
Total = 8
As far as entirely arbitrary quizzes go, I'm fascinated by what it had to say. I'm a little disappointed that it didn't even get to my favorite color. I mean, yes, I love black and silver, but my real favorite is purple! The nerve! :p
Funny though. I'm admitting that, lately, I've liked dressing in nicer clothes and taking better care of myself. Hell... I DID have a doll when I was like, seven. Ah well... I even kind of enjoy shopping for the clothes I wear these days. There's this clothing store down the hill called Hamrick's, and I have no problem spending an afternoon picking out some new shirts. I enjoy comparing the colors. I'm told that vivid shades of darker colors (Like cobalt blue compared to sky blue, or a deep red vs. pink, dark autumn orange or rust instead of yellow, things like that) look good on me. And I don't really mind exploring the idea of that. I think I'm in better touch with myself than I've ever been.
At some point, I just started to hate the stereotype of masculinity, I guess, so I just don't operate SPECIFICALLY within its parameters anymore. I haven't for years. The questions seemed almost a little repugnant... boys apparently love to see other people in pain, which is something that makes me profoundly sad. I'll be the first to admit that I can be very rough around the edges and sloppy, but I'm not barbaric, and I'm glad for that.
Sports always rubbed me the wrong way too. They were always a painful, uncomfortable, humiliating waste of time. It angered me, when I was little, that people actually expected me to be sad about being last pick. Screw getting picked; I just wanted to sit down and DRAW! Or read a BOOK! The ignorance I always saw around me.. it makes me sick to my stomach. I am so glad I didn't grow up to be like them. Stereotypical men... do you know where they end up? They end up fat, drunk, and alone, watching late night infomercials on a beat-up la-z-boy wearing their raunchy stained boxers, a filthy sweaty brown (it's supposed to be white) wifebeater and a tattered flannel shirt, smelling of beer, vomit, and piss. Fuck that. That isn't life!
Thank you, gods, for my soul, my inspiration, my friends, my home, my dedication, my luck, and every one of the little details that make me who I am and not one of them. I'm glad to be me, where I am, what I'm doing and who I'm with. I wouldn't trade this moment for anything!
<3!
crazy happy fun time
General | Posted 18 years agoThis week has been one hell of a trip... so much more than I can put in words. All I can say is... i am doing so much better than I have in all the past seven months. I have a new job, with great benefits, comfortable pay, and I am handling it much better than I did before. I treat it with more respect than I knew I could have for a career. I wear... good clothes. A shirt and tie. And... it feels good.
It just does.
Every aspect of my life has improved. I take better care of myself. I eat better, I keep myself neater and cleaner, I have so much more to contribute to everyone around me... I even have time to go back to Furcadia, now!
Right now, I'm working 8-5, Monday to Friday, but on the 26th, I'll be on a new schedule where I'll be working 10 hour days (oh nos!) four days a week (OH YEAHS!!)
Check this out:
It's a three week rotating schedule, ten am to nine pm (one hour lunch does not count toward pay).
The weeks are laid out like this, where X is an off day; the week ends on Sunday, and starts on Monday.
MXXXFSS
XTWTFXX
MTWTXXX
It's kind of hard to see stacked down and with days as letters, so I'll expres it this way, _=off +=on
+___+++_++++__++++___+___+++_++++__++++___
Roughly half of my schedule is off-days o.o I never have seven days straight. And even right there where the on days are really dense, that's only seven days. This is a rather cushy schedule.
It took me a long time to figure out how it worked XD
It just does.
Every aspect of my life has improved. I take better care of myself. I eat better, I keep myself neater and cleaner, I have so much more to contribute to everyone around me... I even have time to go back to Furcadia, now!
Right now, I'm working 8-5, Monday to Friday, but on the 26th, I'll be on a new schedule where I'll be working 10 hour days (oh nos!) four days a week (OH YEAHS!!)
Check this out:
It's a three week rotating schedule, ten am to nine pm (one hour lunch does not count toward pay).
The weeks are laid out like this, where X is an off day; the week ends on Sunday, and starts on Monday.
MXXXFSS
XTWTFXX
MTWTXXX
It's kind of hard to see stacked down and with days as letters, so I'll expres it this way, _=off +=on
+___+++_++++__++++___+___+++_++++__++++___
Roughly half of my schedule is off-days o.o I never have seven days straight. And even right there where the on days are really dense, that's only seven days. This is a rather cushy schedule.
It took me a long time to figure out how it worked XD
all fours like a wolf
General | Posted 18 years agoI realized that crawling hurts less and is much faster than hobbling on one leg with my staff clutched in my arms. takes less energy too. As long as my foot doesn't get disturbed, I'm mostly okay.
It's not broken. I think I wouldn't be able to sleep--in fact, I'd be bawling my eyes out non-stop--if it were a break. If it were a BREAK, I'd be in howling agony; it wouldn't be a numb throbbing, it would be STABSTABSTABSTAB.
I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Maybe if the swelling goes down or something. If it's not purple by then, Alpha female suggested I put weight on it so it doesn't lock up. I hope it doesn't lock up. That would kind of suck. I hope something's not broken. If it still feels like shit tomorrow though, whether or not it's broken, I'm going to the emergency room. I kind of wish I did in the first place. Injury is injury, FFS!
Alpha female also gave me some over-the-counter painkillers that I didn't know we had in the house. Acetaminophen. It doesn't have any of the anti-inflammatory capabilities of Aspirin, but it'll do SOMETHING.. as long as I don't overdo it.
I'm reaping what I've sown, though. Because I've made a big deal about every little thing, nobody hears me when I make a realistic deal out of a largely inconvenient and moderately painful thing (I won't DIE, I just can't walk). This wolf's cried boy far too many times.
I find it funny, though, that Odin was on my mind earlier today. You know Odin's style of learning, right? He paid for wisdom with his eye, and hung himself on the Yggdrasil to learn runic. He learns through pain. I think this little experience will smarten me right up. I will attempt to remember what it's like to not have enough pride to keep my words clean.
It's not broken. I think I wouldn't be able to sleep--in fact, I'd be bawling my eyes out non-stop--if it were a break. If it were a BREAK, I'd be in howling agony; it wouldn't be a numb throbbing, it would be STABSTABSTABSTAB.
I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Maybe if the swelling goes down or something. If it's not purple by then, Alpha female suggested I put weight on it so it doesn't lock up. I hope it doesn't lock up. That would kind of suck. I hope something's not broken. If it still feels like shit tomorrow though, whether or not it's broken, I'm going to the emergency room. I kind of wish I did in the first place. Injury is injury, FFS!
Alpha female also gave me some over-the-counter painkillers that I didn't know we had in the house. Acetaminophen. It doesn't have any of the anti-inflammatory capabilities of Aspirin, but it'll do SOMETHING.. as long as I don't overdo it.
I'm reaping what I've sown, though. Because I've made a big deal about every little thing, nobody hears me when I make a realistic deal out of a largely inconvenient and moderately painful thing (I won't DIE, I just can't walk). This wolf's cried boy far too many times.
I find it funny, though, that Odin was on my mind earlier today. You know Odin's style of learning, right? He paid for wisdom with his eye, and hung himself on the Yggdrasil to learn runic. He learns through pain. I think this little experience will smarten me right up. I will attempt to remember what it's like to not have enough pride to keep my words clean.
I HAD THE WORST DAY EVER! :D
General | Posted 18 years agoLiquid wound factory was joyous fun compared to what happened next. I'm having the worst day I've ever had since I got FIRED! :D
I went to take Jason and Paul down to the Kroger, and my car wouldn't start! They were late to work thanks to me! :D
Then later, I went to take Sara and Paul (again) to kroger, and I SLIPPED ON THE STAIRS! I yanked my ankle about 40 degrees farther than it was engineered to go and ALMOST did a split on the steps, landing LUCKILY on my ass! Now my ankle is swollen, slightly purple, and hurting like FUCK ALL! :D AND she ended up late thanks to that!
I AM JUST NOT HAVING A VERY HAPPY TIME!
But the freaky part is, I'm not even sad. I don't think I even feel ANGRY. I feel like... it's all surreal. I'll awaken and find out, to my horror, that it's NOT just a bad dream--but for now, I'll let myself find shaky solace in the fact that I'm laughing at my own piss-poor luck.
think i'm gonna try to sleep.
I went to take Jason and Paul down to the Kroger, and my car wouldn't start! They were late to work thanks to me! :D
Then later, I went to take Sara and Paul (again) to kroger, and I SLIPPED ON THE STAIRS! I yanked my ankle about 40 degrees farther than it was engineered to go and ALMOST did a split on the steps, landing LUCKILY on my ass! Now my ankle is swollen, slightly purple, and hurting like FUCK ALL! :D AND she ended up late thanks to that!
I AM JUST NOT HAVING A VERY HAPPY TIME!
But the freaky part is, I'm not even sad. I don't think I even feel ANGRY. I feel like... it's all surreal. I'll awaken and find out, to my horror, that it's NOT just a bad dream--but for now, I'll let myself find shaky solace in the fact that I'm laughing at my own piss-poor luck.
think i'm gonna try to sleep.
Liquid Wound Factory
General | Posted 18 years agoI'm awake because something woke me up.
This would be my stomach exercising, upon my lungs, something likable to an inter-organ donkey punch.
Let's start with some history:
When I was in high school, I caught whooping cough for the first time. I would have torrential streams of ragged coughing until my vocal cords were shredded and I was on the brink of passing out from asphyxiation--I could NOT inhale. My lungs had a constant need to EXPEL. I don't know if that's what usually killed people who had whooping cough, but eventually it was diagnosed (after it didn't go away for a few weeks) and I got it treated. And while it was slowly being weakened by treatment, at some point, I got fed up with coughing...
so...
I stopped.
I don't have a coughing reflex anymore because I had so much experience fighting with my own lungs that eventually I could FORCE myself to inhale and STOP a cough dead in its tracks. Then, I just kind of stopped coughing...
Now if I'm ever in a house that catches on fire while I'm asleep, I WILL die of smoke inhalation. If something starts to trickle down my windpipe, my lungs say "Ahhhhhh SCREW IT."
Even if it's something really painful, and, frankly, REALLY BAD for them.
LIKE STOMACH ACID!!!
... I think I have acid reflux. I can tell you right now it's nothing like heartburn at all, at least for me, because every night, after every meal, i can no longer trust my god damned stomach to keep its shit to itself. It creeps up my esophagus, and pours dinner into my lungs. Eventually my dreams will be interrupted by
PANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANIC
YOU DON'T BREATHE NO MORE, BITCH!
AND THEN, I have to SIT UP and consciously, methodically CLEAR my lungs, one calculated cough at a FUCKING TIME. And if I did it too fast, I would get that foul smelling shit that my stomach spat out caught amid the mouth-nose split where I can smell and taste it, and there goes the GAG REFLEX now OH SHIT IM GONNA
*PHLRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHK*
...this is just a tiny taste of hell. I can't eat dinner anymore. that's it. I'm not gonna put up with this shit. I just don't need this bullshit. I just DON'T need it, I don't want it, and I won't have it, "I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"
I am never going to eat until fullness again if this is the result.
But the worst part is... how it FEELS. Acid burns in my throat... and that shit was in my LUNGS! could this kill me!? am I going to have lung cancer because of the operations I'm interrupting with HYDROCHLORIC ACID? Is it getting in my BLOOD? Am I sustaining major erosion damage THERE? This is scaring the fuck out of me... and I don't have any fucking INSURANCE!!
... at least I might eventually -have- insurance pretty soon... I have a new job starting on the 29th and if I can just live long enough to get this to a doctor... Maybe they have a way they can diagnose it, or see what the hell is going on down there.
Good gods it burns... I end up just sitting on the edge of my bed feeling my throat become RAW with its saturation of sickening-sweet, acrid, chemical buildup, thinking what it must LOOK like... gods in their heavens, what is going ON in me!? ;_;
... i think my lungs are clear... for now... i just wanna stand by for a little while so i can be sure the shit isn't coming up anymore. I could swear my stomach has 'annexed' my esophagus like "STOMACH: EPISODE 1": It starts digesting. Then you backtrack to the prequel and it SUCKS DONKEY SHIT. God dammit I better not need some fucking pills for this.
...
maybe it's safe to go back to bed now...
-_-;
This would be my stomach exercising, upon my lungs, something likable to an inter-organ donkey punch.
Let's start with some history:
When I was in high school, I caught whooping cough for the first time. I would have torrential streams of ragged coughing until my vocal cords were shredded and I was on the brink of passing out from asphyxiation--I could NOT inhale. My lungs had a constant need to EXPEL. I don't know if that's what usually killed people who had whooping cough, but eventually it was diagnosed (after it didn't go away for a few weeks) and I got it treated. And while it was slowly being weakened by treatment, at some point, I got fed up with coughing...
so...
I stopped.
I don't have a coughing reflex anymore because I had so much experience fighting with my own lungs that eventually I could FORCE myself to inhale and STOP a cough dead in its tracks. Then, I just kind of stopped coughing...
Now if I'm ever in a house that catches on fire while I'm asleep, I WILL die of smoke inhalation. If something starts to trickle down my windpipe, my lungs say "Ahhhhhh SCREW IT."
Even if it's something really painful, and, frankly, REALLY BAD for them.
LIKE STOMACH ACID!!!
... I think I have acid reflux. I can tell you right now it's nothing like heartburn at all, at least for me, because every night, after every meal, i can no longer trust my god damned stomach to keep its shit to itself. It creeps up my esophagus, and pours dinner into my lungs. Eventually my dreams will be interrupted by
PANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANICPANIC
YOU DON'T BREATHE NO MORE, BITCH!
AND THEN, I have to SIT UP and consciously, methodically CLEAR my lungs, one calculated cough at a FUCKING TIME. And if I did it too fast, I would get that foul smelling shit that my stomach spat out caught amid the mouth-nose split where I can smell and taste it, and there goes the GAG REFLEX now OH SHIT IM GONNA
*PHLRRAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHK*
...this is just a tiny taste of hell. I can't eat dinner anymore. that's it. I'm not gonna put up with this shit. I just don't need this bullshit. I just DON'T need it, I don't want it, and I won't have it, "I'M MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"
I am never going to eat until fullness again if this is the result.
But the worst part is... how it FEELS. Acid burns in my throat... and that shit was in my LUNGS! could this kill me!? am I going to have lung cancer because of the operations I'm interrupting with HYDROCHLORIC ACID? Is it getting in my BLOOD? Am I sustaining major erosion damage THERE? This is scaring the fuck out of me... and I don't have any fucking INSURANCE!!
... at least I might eventually -have- insurance pretty soon... I have a new job starting on the 29th and if I can just live long enough to get this to a doctor... Maybe they have a way they can diagnose it, or see what the hell is going on down there.
Good gods it burns... I end up just sitting on the edge of my bed feeling my throat become RAW with its saturation of sickening-sweet, acrid, chemical buildup, thinking what it must LOOK like... gods in their heavens, what is going ON in me!? ;_;
... i think my lungs are clear... for now... i just wanna stand by for a little while so i can be sure the shit isn't coming up anymore. I could swear my stomach has 'annexed' my esophagus like "STOMACH: EPISODE 1": It starts digesting. Then you backtrack to the prequel and it SUCKS DONKEY SHIT. God dammit I better not need some fucking pills for this.
...
maybe it's safe to go back to bed now...
-_-;
New York City (Remember This!)
General | Posted 18 years agoMy gods what a view...
I'm sitting at my grandfather's computer. He's still in the hospital, but we just got back from visiting him... He looks so frail, I'm almost afraid he'll break... I guess that's just what happens when someone lives for so long. He's 87 years old, an ex-smoker and drinker. I suppose it's a miracle that he's made it even this long. I'm glad I'm getting to see him again this week...
I got to see my parents too. Mom and Dad haven't changed at all. Mom is still all afuss every second like a bumblebee on coke, obsessing over every little unimportant detail, successfully bogging down the simple beauties of life with overreaction, and Dad is still quiet, easygoing, and completely immune to her XD
I got here by plane yesterday. I wish I could have wrote down an update then. Every trip I've taken has been an experience. I really do get something special out of traveling after all. On the plane, I mused that it's moments like this, gazing out a window at 32,000 feet, that one most vividly realizes that "God" did one heck of a spiffy job. I have to respect the grand architect, aligning happenstance as he did to create such perfection. Yeah... That's what the creator is to me. An architect. S/He can be something or someone completely different to you, but for me, an architect fits.
Also, to commemorate my journey, I bought a tiny five dollar bottle of wine while I flew... White wine. Sutter home chardonay. It was nice, for the occasion. But just for the hell of it, feeling the buzz (I'm the heaviest lightweight you'll ever see, mmhmm!), I decided to recite the alphabet backwards, and did so without fault. Heh. Figures, doesn't it. As stated, the view from grampa's apartment is absolutely fantastic. Sure right now I can only see other residential highrises, but it's still an amazing testiment to human ingenuity, here on the 14th floor... Another funny thing is, this building actually has a 13th floor, and we're simply not on it.
I also met grampa's roommate. A korean girl attending school here in new york... Grampa, like me, goes by a different name among his friends, so she calls him "Jan", like everybody else. It's so wierd hearing people call me 'Matt'... I'm much more used to Stone, Stoney, etc. But, back on track, good gods is she cute as hell. Gena, she was introduced to me as. That's JI NA in pronunciation. I think I have an unhealthy obsession with eastern women >.>; she has a boyfriend though, so I'm comfortable with not thinking of her in untoward ways.
I ran into my cousin Sam, here, as well! Sam has always been a 'cool guy' in my opinion, and it was great to see him. I could swear he's going to be famous someday. Right now he's a student teacher at the Columbian University--just a few blocks from where I sit!
I've done so much lately... this past month, I have been living so much MORE than I did before. I am shocked, surprised, thrilled, even a little frightened by just now much I've been able to do. Today, I'm not entirely sure what I want to see. I am torn between waiting for my worrywort mother to get back from making sure Pop catches his train, or just leaving her behind so I don't have to listen to her all day.
I don't like what I have discovered, but that doesn't change the fact that it is there: I can see the root of all my bad habits from observing my mother...
She tried so hard to raise me 'right', and I really can't blame her, but it's still right in front of me...
I'm lethargic because she dumps more energy into preparing for something than DOING it. She will fuss for thirty minutes over a fifteen minute task before she starts it. In the mean time, i'm done, or i'm ready to go and just waiting. it's simply maddening. The only thing that ever got in the way of me doing something was the feeling like there are other things I need to do FIRST. even when there really aren't any things I need to do first! In her case, she manufactures something to do. She unfortunately has no capacity to make an immediate decision. Last night when we got chinese food downstairs (there's a cute little chinese restaraunt on Amsterdam Avenue and 123rd Street) it took her seventeen minutes to choose what to eat, and we only spent five minutes eating it. I swear, if I could just remember this one lesson--
*tags the journal "REMEMBER THIS"*
--I would do so much better in life:
Interpretation 1: STOP TRYING TO DO IT AND JUST DO IT.
Interpretation 2: If it won't irreversably harm you, it's better to do something and regret it than to not do something and regret not doing it.
Interpretation 3: If the forest is overwhelming, focus on one tree at a time.
I guess what I'm trying to tell my troubled future self is...
"Stone, if you are feeling paralyzed, consider that you may be hesitating. Regardless of if you are or not, BRIEFLY consider the drawbacks of GO and the drawbacks of NEVER GO. DO or DIE. Because you have to do something, you have to make a decision, you cannot waste any more time, because it's getting in the way of your entire life. And you can't go back. Don't even try. If you make a choice, be satisfied with that choice no matter what happens."
Because I know someday I'm going to look back on this time of my life and wonder how I could possibly be so happy. I am so happy right now... and because I know I'll look back should I ever no longer be happy, at least I'll have a roadmap, a marker, a plan.
And that's all the preparation I care to do right now.
I'm not sure what I want to do today. I'm here until the 22nd. Any furries in the new york area, around 123rd and Amsterdam? ^^
I might want to see china town, or go to battery park, or ride the subway to 'somewhere'. I brought the necessary resources just for this. Maybe I'll take the staten island ferry, or go to ellis island...? Or maybe I'll just cruise through downtown on a bus or taxi, destination: we'll see!
Well, I won't know until I'm there ~_^
Safe journeys!
I'm sitting at my grandfather's computer. He's still in the hospital, but we just got back from visiting him... He looks so frail, I'm almost afraid he'll break... I guess that's just what happens when someone lives for so long. He's 87 years old, an ex-smoker and drinker. I suppose it's a miracle that he's made it even this long. I'm glad I'm getting to see him again this week...
I got to see my parents too. Mom and Dad haven't changed at all. Mom is still all afuss every second like a bumblebee on coke, obsessing over every little unimportant detail, successfully bogging down the simple beauties of life with overreaction, and Dad is still quiet, easygoing, and completely immune to her XD
I got here by plane yesterday. I wish I could have wrote down an update then. Every trip I've taken has been an experience. I really do get something special out of traveling after all. On the plane, I mused that it's moments like this, gazing out a window at 32,000 feet, that one most vividly realizes that "God" did one heck of a spiffy job. I have to respect the grand architect, aligning happenstance as he did to create such perfection. Yeah... That's what the creator is to me. An architect. S/He can be something or someone completely different to you, but for me, an architect fits.
Also, to commemorate my journey, I bought a tiny five dollar bottle of wine while I flew... White wine. Sutter home chardonay. It was nice, for the occasion. But just for the hell of it, feeling the buzz (I'm the heaviest lightweight you'll ever see, mmhmm!), I decided to recite the alphabet backwards, and did so without fault. Heh. Figures, doesn't it. As stated, the view from grampa's apartment is absolutely fantastic. Sure right now I can only see other residential highrises, but it's still an amazing testiment to human ingenuity, here on the 14th floor... Another funny thing is, this building actually has a 13th floor, and we're simply not on it.
I also met grampa's roommate. A korean girl attending school here in new york... Grampa, like me, goes by a different name among his friends, so she calls him "Jan", like everybody else. It's so wierd hearing people call me 'Matt'... I'm much more used to Stone, Stoney, etc. But, back on track, good gods is she cute as hell. Gena, she was introduced to me as. That's JI NA in pronunciation. I think I have an unhealthy obsession with eastern women >.>; she has a boyfriend though, so I'm comfortable with not thinking of her in untoward ways.
I ran into my cousin Sam, here, as well! Sam has always been a 'cool guy' in my opinion, and it was great to see him. I could swear he's going to be famous someday. Right now he's a student teacher at the Columbian University--just a few blocks from where I sit!
I've done so much lately... this past month, I have been living so much MORE than I did before. I am shocked, surprised, thrilled, even a little frightened by just now much I've been able to do. Today, I'm not entirely sure what I want to see. I am torn between waiting for my worrywort mother to get back from making sure Pop catches his train, or just leaving her behind so I don't have to listen to her all day.
I don't like what I have discovered, but that doesn't change the fact that it is there: I can see the root of all my bad habits from observing my mother...
She tried so hard to raise me 'right', and I really can't blame her, but it's still right in front of me...
I'm lethargic because she dumps more energy into preparing for something than DOING it. She will fuss for thirty minutes over a fifteen minute task before she starts it. In the mean time, i'm done, or i'm ready to go and just waiting. it's simply maddening. The only thing that ever got in the way of me doing something was the feeling like there are other things I need to do FIRST. even when there really aren't any things I need to do first! In her case, she manufactures something to do. She unfortunately has no capacity to make an immediate decision. Last night when we got chinese food downstairs (there's a cute little chinese restaraunt on Amsterdam Avenue and 123rd Street) it took her seventeen minutes to choose what to eat, and we only spent five minutes eating it. I swear, if I could just remember this one lesson--
*tags the journal "REMEMBER THIS"*
--I would do so much better in life:
Interpretation 1: STOP TRYING TO DO IT AND JUST DO IT.
Interpretation 2: If it won't irreversably harm you, it's better to do something and regret it than to not do something and regret not doing it.
Interpretation 3: If the forest is overwhelming, focus on one tree at a time.
I guess what I'm trying to tell my troubled future self is...
"Stone, if you are feeling paralyzed, consider that you may be hesitating. Regardless of if you are or not, BRIEFLY consider the drawbacks of GO and the drawbacks of NEVER GO. DO or DIE. Because you have to do something, you have to make a decision, you cannot waste any more time, because it's getting in the way of your entire life. And you can't go back. Don't even try. If you make a choice, be satisfied with that choice no matter what happens."
Because I know someday I'm going to look back on this time of my life and wonder how I could possibly be so happy. I am so happy right now... and because I know I'll look back should I ever no longer be happy, at least I'll have a roadmap, a marker, a plan.
And that's all the preparation I care to do right now.
I'm not sure what I want to do today. I'm here until the 22nd. Any furries in the new york area, around 123rd and Amsterdam? ^^
I might want to see china town, or go to battery park, or ride the subway to 'somewhere'. I brought the necessary resources just for this. Maybe I'll take the staten island ferry, or go to ellis island...? Or maybe I'll just cruise through downtown on a bus or taxi, destination: we'll see!
Well, I won't know until I'm there ~_^
Safe journeys!
speaks for itself
General | Posted 18 years agoI got the job.
Holy shit,
I GOT...
...THE JOB.
I start on the 29th.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
General | Posted 18 years ago... for feeling so incredibly excited, my ability to put it into words is remarkably calm. I think I have a lot to say, but... I'm not entirely sure where to start; there is a whole lot.
Have you ever had something happen to you, and when it did, the whole world just seemed to click over to an entirely new perspective, and you had no idea you could have ever seen it before in the way that you do now? Have you ever found something... the byproduct of whose function you could have never even guessed, but has effected every corner of your life?
Ladies and Gentlefurs,
I]
HAVE
A
CAR.
I can say, entirely positively, that everything has changed, and that the magick of sacrificing old self has worked. I have become a new person again--but that's not because of the car. The car is not the cause; it is the effect. It is, however, the most obvious effect.
I have done some things in the past seven days that I have not dreamed to do since more than six months ago. I have accomplished so very, very much... Let us evaluate, step by step.
I put my foot down, and said "life has to change NOW. I am not going to take it anymore." I took a walk up Brambleton, which was quite a journey, to see a Mercury Tracer that was on sale. The mechanics who were selling it painted a glum picture of a troubled car, and I realized I can do better than that. As I walked away slightly scared, I made two calls out to two other cars for sale, a corolla and a camry.
I test-drove the Toyota Camry, and realized that the car would be perfect for me, and was in fact exactly what I was looking for all along. We talked prices, and I was pleased to have this opportunity. They said I had a week. I decided they had even less than that. I officially forgot about the corolla and the mercury.
I saw in the paper an ad for a job that did not have any information except "General office duties, Apply In Person", and resolved to do something about it
I worked on my resume. Then I walked to the library and bought four color printings, and then to the barber shop for a rather nice haircut (I'm pleased with the result!), and then the Hamrick's (a clothing store), both next to my Kroger, and bought two dress shirts and a tie.
putting on that dress shirt and its corresponding tie for the first time... I felt like a completely different person. I felt a strange power that wasn't my own, the emotional attachment that others made in relation to clothes like these, and felt the perverse joy that the kind of slob I am would now be looked upon with respect and adulation by old people, and resentment and envy by my actual peers. This shirt and tie, these black slacks, this damned haircut, were the vestiges of an entire reality that I had no rightful access to, and to pervert this world with my presence... felt amazing.
My roommates sounded thrilled, if a little bewildered. I was both amazed and frightened at the image in the mirror.
On Saturday, the wire transfer completed. I received a sufficient monetary boost to buy the Camry, and on a sudden whim of fancy, Den-Mother and I took a taxi up to Blue Ridge to fetch the car and write a check. We drove home and she helped to christen the car with a cigarette. Don't knock it. I respect it. The car is officially "No Smoking Except Den-Mother".
I drove to work for the first time... and that very morning, I drove Crazy Dave to Covington to see his girlfriend. You saw that in my previous journal.
The morning after that, I drove Zack home; he lives in Floyd, a place that even Nowhere calls Nowhere, and though I only changed at three intersections, the last two roads were frightening, twisted morasses of dwindling pavement and rough gravel, until the final stretch... a veritable intestinal knot of dirt path down an extremely steep bewooded mountainside, where a blink could've sent me and my beloved car, and our oblivious occupant, straight down at least forty feet.
Tuesday... and some VERY big things happened:
1) I bought the supplies for the den's Roast.
2) I went to the DMV, which killed my time :D
3) I could finally get to the office job that had advertised
4) I successfully cooked the roast...
but by the end, I was too tired, and had to call out from work last night so I could sleep...
Today... I called two architectural firms and sent my resume to a mechanical firm in lynchburg--fifty miles away, but gods in their heavens, i'd drive it for a job like that. I went to the library and printed seven more generic office job resumes, and four more drafting/design resumes. Also, the cover letter to aforementioned lynchburg firm. And on the way there... I got a call from Branch Banking & Trust about a job application I sent in...
...
Tomorrow... I have a job interview.
Look out.
Stand back.
Be advised...
I'm taking off.
Have you ever had something happen to you, and when it did, the whole world just seemed to click over to an entirely new perspective, and you had no idea you could have ever seen it before in the way that you do now? Have you ever found something... the byproduct of whose function you could have never even guessed, but has effected every corner of your life?
Ladies and Gentlefurs,
I]
HAVE
A
CAR.
I can say, entirely positively, that everything has changed, and that the magick of sacrificing old self has worked. I have become a new person again--but that's not because of the car. The car is not the cause; it is the effect. It is, however, the most obvious effect.
I have done some things in the past seven days that I have not dreamed to do since more than six months ago. I have accomplished so very, very much... Let us evaluate, step by step.
I put my foot down, and said "life has to change NOW. I am not going to take it anymore." I took a walk up Brambleton, which was quite a journey, to see a Mercury Tracer that was on sale. The mechanics who were selling it painted a glum picture of a troubled car, and I realized I can do better than that. As I walked away slightly scared, I made two calls out to two other cars for sale, a corolla and a camry.
I test-drove the Toyota Camry, and realized that the car would be perfect for me, and was in fact exactly what I was looking for all along. We talked prices, and I was pleased to have this opportunity. They said I had a week. I decided they had even less than that. I officially forgot about the corolla and the mercury.
I saw in the paper an ad for a job that did not have any information except "General office duties, Apply In Person", and resolved to do something about it
I worked on my resume. Then I walked to the library and bought four color printings, and then to the barber shop for a rather nice haircut (I'm pleased with the result!), and then the Hamrick's (a clothing store), both next to my Kroger, and bought two dress shirts and a tie.
putting on that dress shirt and its corresponding tie for the first time... I felt like a completely different person. I felt a strange power that wasn't my own, the emotional attachment that others made in relation to clothes like these, and felt the perverse joy that the kind of slob I am would now be looked upon with respect and adulation by old people, and resentment and envy by my actual peers. This shirt and tie, these black slacks, this damned haircut, were the vestiges of an entire reality that I had no rightful access to, and to pervert this world with my presence... felt amazing.
My roommates sounded thrilled, if a little bewildered. I was both amazed and frightened at the image in the mirror.
On Saturday, the wire transfer completed. I received a sufficient monetary boost to buy the Camry, and on a sudden whim of fancy, Den-Mother and I took a taxi up to Blue Ridge to fetch the car and write a check. We drove home and she helped to christen the car with a cigarette. Don't knock it. I respect it. The car is officially "No Smoking Except Den-Mother".
I drove to work for the first time... and that very morning, I drove Crazy Dave to Covington to see his girlfriend. You saw that in my previous journal.
The morning after that, I drove Zack home; he lives in Floyd, a place that even Nowhere calls Nowhere, and though I only changed at three intersections, the last two roads were frightening, twisted morasses of dwindling pavement and rough gravel, until the final stretch... a veritable intestinal knot of dirt path down an extremely steep bewooded mountainside, where a blink could've sent me and my beloved car, and our oblivious occupant, straight down at least forty feet.
Tuesday... and some VERY big things happened:
1) I bought the supplies for the den's Roast.
2) I went to the DMV, which killed my time :D
3) I could finally get to the office job that had advertised
4) I successfully cooked the roast...
but by the end, I was too tired, and had to call out from work last night so I could sleep...
Today... I called two architectural firms and sent my resume to a mechanical firm in lynchburg--fifty miles away, but gods in their heavens, i'd drive it for a job like that. I went to the library and printed seven more generic office job resumes, and four more drafting/design resumes. Also, the cover letter to aforementioned lynchburg firm. And on the way there... I got a call from Branch Banking & Trust about a job application I sent in...
...
Tomorrow... I have a job interview.
Look out.
Stand back.
Be advised...
I'm taking off.
Too Darned Nice.
General | Posted 18 years agoHoly somethingstartingwithSthatreallystinks! I...
I can hardly believe it... I ...
I HAVE...
A CAR!!
I bought the camry I was looking at, and I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT to death ^^ It's so cute! I'm looking forward to making the best of this vehicle, AND to the prospect of not having to walk up and down that GINORMOUS hill to my apartment! Sure, call me lazy, but THAT'S A BIG FREAKING HILL! ASK FENNEC!
fennecwolfox can testify the fact, I live at the top of the damned tower of babel.
I bought it from a sweet elderly couple. They are very kind and patient folks... and I think I somewhat came across as a grandchild in their view. They wanted three grand and some change... and then they gave me 150 off ^^ And they said "But now that we've been nice to you, we expect you to be nice to someone else when the opportunity presents itself."
So... today.. that opportunity arrived.
One of the guys at work, one particularly who goes by the callsign of 'crazy dave' (even though his name ISN'T dave...) asked me to bring him to see his girlfriend in Covington, VA. I'm in Roanoke. Do a mapquest: that's 56 miles and one BIG pain in the ass. But, what can I say, he's good people, so I said "sure. Why not." especially after he cleaned up the aisle that I couldn't finish the night before (sigh... I'm getting worse at my job...)
I mean, there's plenty of reasons why not.
even the BEST case scenario involves me tired and sore from sitting for three hours behind the wheel AND a modicum of sleep deprivation (yay...)
but here's all the other things that immediately came to mind
4)BLAH CASE SCENARIO: I eat up all my time
3)BAD CASE SCENARIO: I get lost
2)WORSE CASE SCENARIO: I break my dear car
1)WORST CASE SCENARIO: I die. Somehow.
but as the couple who sold me my camry said, pay it forward.
PAY, I DID.
So, we're driving. And we're driving. And we're driving. It's almost like reading Lord of the Rings, except the radio will only play twangy bluegrass, christian rock, gospel, or some godforsaken (ironic?) lovechild between them.
AT LEAST, Dave offered to help me pay for gas.
We pulled into a texaco and, by now, I'd used a quarter more of the half-tank I bought the car with, and decided to 'fill-er-up'. I didn't even think twice as the clanky old gas pump ratchetted up the monetary damages... 10 dollars... 20 dollars... 30 dollars...
...dave jumps out of the fuel station's lobby and says "YOU'RE RUINING ME!! ;_;"
Made me crack the hell up...
So, I stopped it at exactly forty bucks and gave him a twenty, and we were off again.
We were cruising on Route 220 north, and confidently pressed forward even when the road seemed doubtful... which, in 20-20 hindsight, was really god damned stupid ^^
You see, we delved into a forest... stopped seeing signs of civilization, or road signs hinting at various routes or destinations. Oh, it was beautiful and extremely scenic. I could smell nature itself and it was mesmerizing, dashing through the drifting leaves (the trees were turning even though it was 70 to 80 degrees, sheesh), watching sunbeams dance across the windshield... but the road lost its dividing line in the center... then the pavement started to become patchy. We were just about where I later found to be half-way when Dave realized that neither of our cell phones had a signal way out there, and started to PANIC! I resolved to keep moving forward...
The road dipped and turned, and swerved and waved, woodland creatures scampered franticly aside as distant campgrounds and a waterfront flashed by through the dense foliage... and as we went on and on, a disturbing thought came to mind...
"What if," i supposed aloud, "This is one of the Cursed Roads... where you drive on... but you NEVER drive off...? You keep going in an unending circle... around and around... for ETERNITY...?"
It didn't help that the road was called "Bear Loop Highway"...
"See? We just passed this point twenty minutes ago!" I teased...
Dave was twitching and showing greater signs of unease, especially when the road went back into dense forest after only a brief reprieve of open, rural fields... And then... we came to a Tee. "GO LEFT," he demanded, and, respecting his decisiveness as my co-pilot, I obliged...
When we finally saw a gas station, our mutual relief was palpable. I was starving, as was he, and I filled up on jerky and Mountain Dew: Game Fuel while we were there. He got directions. At least we were headed where we ought to go, even IF the road overshot us past our destination by TWENTY MILES... We eventually made our way to Route 220 South and began the arduous approach to Covington, FINALLY.
Ten or so minutes would pass... and on either side, the serene, disturbingly fake environment of a golf course would pass behind us. Golf course. Golf course.
Dave: "If I see ONE MORE DAMNED GOLF COURSE, I am going to BURN IT DOWN."
Me: "If only golf courses were renowned for their inflammability..."
We were becoming suspicious as we hadn't seen any navigatioal signs after a while again, though... but sure enough, like magic, the moment I said something about it, we saw one zip by on the right.
"YEAH!"
"YEEAHHH!"
"YYYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
we spent five minutes barreling down the road having an enthusiastic scream contest. Gods damn we're freaks...
Finally, the journey came to a close... We arrived in covington, and he managed to call his girlfriend from another Texaco gas station while I went to grab a meal at Hardee's. His girlfriend's mom dropped her off from a white pontiac somethingorother sedan, and I must agree, Dave's got a good eye. She was cute, but I knew what was on their minds, and being fifth wheel is kind of awkward. I assent to drive them back to her house after Girlfriend's Mom seemed to have mysteriously vanished. On the way there, though, Dave dropped a bomb on me:
"so... I don't -actually- have a ride back home anymore..."
"...wait, WHAT? --OhohhhhNO. You're not asking me. That wasn't part of the deal, bro. You said 'bring me there! They'll drop me off back in roanoke!' And I said, 'why can't you just take your car?' Didn't I TELL you you should've drove? I know you were iffy about your driving skills and all but SHIT, to get STRANDED? Aw geez.. Look, I can't stay here, I have to work tonight, I have to GO HOME. You expect me to just lay on the couch while you two are in the back doing all the sorts of wonderful shit that ain't NONE of my business!?"
...at least he understood. "I'll walk," he shrugged nonchalantly... Fifty miles...? Walking fifty miles...? Man, I just don't know WHAT to think...
I hope they're having fun right now. I mean, dave IS a friend, but ... It was a lot of trouble getting out there.I hope he doesn't actually TRY to walk. Maybe his parents will come through for him. HE BETTER NOT MAKE ME WORRY >: (
I got home very late... I didn't get to sleep. what a pain. Work is going to not be very fun at all tonight. I don't know what to expect. Shit... Wish I had a normal freaking job...
I can hardly believe it... I ...
I HAVE...
A CAR!!
I bought the camry I was looking at, and I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT to death ^^ It's so cute! I'm looking forward to making the best of this vehicle, AND to the prospect of not having to walk up and down that GINORMOUS hill to my apartment! Sure, call me lazy, but THAT'S A BIG FREAKING HILL! ASK FENNEC!
fennecwolfox can testify the fact, I live at the top of the damned tower of babel. I bought it from a sweet elderly couple. They are very kind and patient folks... and I think I somewhat came across as a grandchild in their view. They wanted three grand and some change... and then they gave me 150 off ^^ And they said "But now that we've been nice to you, we expect you to be nice to someone else when the opportunity presents itself."
So... today.. that opportunity arrived.
One of the guys at work, one particularly who goes by the callsign of 'crazy dave' (even though his name ISN'T dave...) asked me to bring him to see his girlfriend in Covington, VA. I'm in Roanoke. Do a mapquest: that's 56 miles and one BIG pain in the ass. But, what can I say, he's good people, so I said "sure. Why not." especially after he cleaned up the aisle that I couldn't finish the night before (sigh... I'm getting worse at my job...)
I mean, there's plenty of reasons why not.
even the BEST case scenario involves me tired and sore from sitting for three hours behind the wheel AND a modicum of sleep deprivation (yay...)
but here's all the other things that immediately came to mind
4)BLAH CASE SCENARIO: I eat up all my time
3)BAD CASE SCENARIO: I get lost
2)WORSE CASE SCENARIO: I break my dear car
1)WORST CASE SCENARIO: I die. Somehow.
but as the couple who sold me my camry said, pay it forward.
PAY, I DID.
So, we're driving. And we're driving. And we're driving. It's almost like reading Lord of the Rings, except the radio will only play twangy bluegrass, christian rock, gospel, or some godforsaken (ironic?) lovechild between them.
AT LEAST, Dave offered to help me pay for gas.
We pulled into a texaco and, by now, I'd used a quarter more of the half-tank I bought the car with, and decided to 'fill-er-up'. I didn't even think twice as the clanky old gas pump ratchetted up the monetary damages... 10 dollars... 20 dollars... 30 dollars...
...dave jumps out of the fuel station's lobby and says "YOU'RE RUINING ME!! ;_;"
Made me crack the hell up...
So, I stopped it at exactly forty bucks and gave him a twenty, and we were off again.
We were cruising on Route 220 north, and confidently pressed forward even when the road seemed doubtful... which, in 20-20 hindsight, was really god damned stupid ^^
You see, we delved into a forest... stopped seeing signs of civilization, or road signs hinting at various routes or destinations. Oh, it was beautiful and extremely scenic. I could smell nature itself and it was mesmerizing, dashing through the drifting leaves (the trees were turning even though it was 70 to 80 degrees, sheesh), watching sunbeams dance across the windshield... but the road lost its dividing line in the center... then the pavement started to become patchy. We were just about where I later found to be half-way when Dave realized that neither of our cell phones had a signal way out there, and started to PANIC! I resolved to keep moving forward...
The road dipped and turned, and swerved and waved, woodland creatures scampered franticly aside as distant campgrounds and a waterfront flashed by through the dense foliage... and as we went on and on, a disturbing thought came to mind...
"What if," i supposed aloud, "This is one of the Cursed Roads... where you drive on... but you NEVER drive off...? You keep going in an unending circle... around and around... for ETERNITY...?"
It didn't help that the road was called "Bear Loop Highway"...
"See? We just passed this point twenty minutes ago!" I teased...
Dave was twitching and showing greater signs of unease, especially when the road went back into dense forest after only a brief reprieve of open, rural fields... And then... we came to a Tee. "GO LEFT," he demanded, and, respecting his decisiveness as my co-pilot, I obliged...
When we finally saw a gas station, our mutual relief was palpable. I was starving, as was he, and I filled up on jerky and Mountain Dew: Game Fuel while we were there. He got directions. At least we were headed where we ought to go, even IF the road overshot us past our destination by TWENTY MILES... We eventually made our way to Route 220 South and began the arduous approach to Covington, FINALLY.
Ten or so minutes would pass... and on either side, the serene, disturbingly fake environment of a golf course would pass behind us. Golf course. Golf course.
Dave: "If I see ONE MORE DAMNED GOLF COURSE, I am going to BURN IT DOWN."
Me: "If only golf courses were renowned for their inflammability..."
We were becoming suspicious as we hadn't seen any navigatioal signs after a while again, though... but sure enough, like magic, the moment I said something about it, we saw one zip by on the right.
"YEAH!"
"YEEAHHH!"
"YYYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!"
"YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
we spent five minutes barreling down the road having an enthusiastic scream contest. Gods damn we're freaks...
Finally, the journey came to a close... We arrived in covington, and he managed to call his girlfriend from another Texaco gas station while I went to grab a meal at Hardee's. His girlfriend's mom dropped her off from a white pontiac somethingorother sedan, and I must agree, Dave's got a good eye. She was cute, but I knew what was on their minds, and being fifth wheel is kind of awkward. I assent to drive them back to her house after Girlfriend's Mom seemed to have mysteriously vanished. On the way there, though, Dave dropped a bomb on me:
"so... I don't -actually- have a ride back home anymore..."
"...wait, WHAT? --OhohhhhNO. You're not asking me. That wasn't part of the deal, bro. You said 'bring me there! They'll drop me off back in roanoke!' And I said, 'why can't you just take your car?' Didn't I TELL you you should've drove? I know you were iffy about your driving skills and all but SHIT, to get STRANDED? Aw geez.. Look, I can't stay here, I have to work tonight, I have to GO HOME. You expect me to just lay on the couch while you two are in the back doing all the sorts of wonderful shit that ain't NONE of my business!?"
...at least he understood. "I'll walk," he shrugged nonchalantly... Fifty miles...? Walking fifty miles...? Man, I just don't know WHAT to think...
I hope they're having fun right now. I mean, dave IS a friend, but ... It was a lot of trouble getting out there.I hope he doesn't actually TRY to walk. Maybe his parents will come through for him. HE BETTER NOT MAKE ME WORRY >: (
I got home very late... I didn't get to sleep. what a pain. Work is going to not be very fun at all tonight. I don't know what to expect. Shit... Wish I had a normal freaking job...
the_brown_wolf's Plight
General | Posted 18 years ago
the_brown_wolf was banned. The reason? because he complained at admin who deleted items from his gallery without warning--using some less than friendly language.I don't think that's a very good reason to ban somebody for any amount of time. So I did something about it. I went to the FurAffinity user forums, jumped to the support section, and VERY CAREFULLY worded my opinion on the matter once I took a deep breath and calmed down about it all. If you don't think that the_brown_wolf should have been banned for what he did either, well, the thread is here:
http://www.furaffinityforums.net/sh......php?tid=13189
But please... calm down before you say something. I'm trying to keep this respectful. The admins probably take way too much drama already. Be patient with your words. We don't want to get poor brownie in even more trouble. Let's use our brains.
Journal for Journal's sake
General | Posted 18 years agoI'm sure I'll think up something to say.
As far as getting a car, I'm up a creek without a paddle. I have no way of getting that money back, and in fact, my parents have to wait 90 days (!!!?!) and pay 28 dollars to get the check stopped. It's worthless. It's completely worthless.
I'm going to have to get a loan. I'm not going to wait for them to dump more money down the drain at me. Some people had the nerve to tell me that this was a sign that I'm not supposed to have a car. I don't care, whether they're right or wrong; this is something -I- want to do. I actually have a spine right now and I'm not going to beat it into submission out of baseless superstition. If I were to interpret a sign out of this, it would be that if I get a car, I have to take full responsibility for it, me, myself. Besides, if my parents still want to send me more money in the future, I can still use it to pay off the loan. if i feel like it.
I discovered that my bank is hiring. I'm sending a few applications that way. Or you could say I am hammering their Human Resources department from every angle I can possibly fire a resume from. NOBODY GIVES ME A FUCKING CALLBACK. NOBODY. Not about cars I want to buy or look at, not about work, not even my FRIENDS, when they say "i'll call ya back", I don't even get a voice mail! Is my phone BROKEN or some shit?
I'm just throwing this all in the furnace. Fuel. Try harder. I WILL BREAK THEM ALL, if I must. I'll find a way.
My job is a pain in the ass. And a pain in the back. And in my knees, feet, shoulders, neck, wrists, pick a joint, any joint. My roommates don't mind though, so, good for them. I congratulate them on the awesome jobs that they don't hate. I know that the Alpha comes home in excruciating agony, but she never says anything... we all know how much she hurts, but she never makes it anybody else's business... It would be nice if I could have that kind of strength. People only seem to notice how I feel when I'm attempting to not communicate it, anyways.
So far, of the things of mine that have fallen apart, I have replaced my wallet and my boots. My old boots were about to turn into flip-flops with much more wear than they had. My new ones are nice... they're tough, sturdy, and now they won't kill me a little more with every step since I bought some insoles, but they don't zip, so tying them is a ten minute endeavor. Bleah. Still no watch though. I've been using my cell phone to tell time.
I've refreshed the contents of my mp3 player a few times, and noticed that I'm growing quite fond of disco, especially Jake "Virt" Kaufman's kind of disco. What can I say? Disco does what it's supposed to do: make you move. Plus I like the kind of 'romantic' theme that he seems to cover a lot. Plus the lyrics themselves are beautifully phrased.
Also, fennecwolfox finally gave me back my tablet!!! ^^
I'm so happy I could cry. I didn't have -any- outlets without it... I of course loved the beautiful things he was making with it, but not having that tablet was like needing to pee but looking down and finding out that you've been restricted to a G-Rating! It was a nightmare! I needed my wacom fix x_x;;;
And now that I have it, at least got one piece of art out... maybe if I'm lucky I'll have another to draw when I get home in the morning. This artistic constipation really sucks :(
It's just about time for me to start getting ready for work again... I haven't actually seen my roommates conscious for more than a day o.o I kind of wish I weren't such a hermit, but that's what I get for staying up till 10 in the morning while they were all at work... i had to sleep all the way up to now *sigh*
Third shift should be a crime against humanity...
As far as getting a car, I'm up a creek without a paddle. I have no way of getting that money back, and in fact, my parents have to wait 90 days (!!!?!) and pay 28 dollars to get the check stopped. It's worthless. It's completely worthless.
I'm going to have to get a loan. I'm not going to wait for them to dump more money down the drain at me. Some people had the nerve to tell me that this was a sign that I'm not supposed to have a car. I don't care, whether they're right or wrong; this is something -I- want to do. I actually have a spine right now and I'm not going to beat it into submission out of baseless superstition. If I were to interpret a sign out of this, it would be that if I get a car, I have to take full responsibility for it, me, myself. Besides, if my parents still want to send me more money in the future, I can still use it to pay off the loan. if i feel like it.
I discovered that my bank is hiring. I'm sending a few applications that way. Or you could say I am hammering their Human Resources department from every angle I can possibly fire a resume from. NOBODY GIVES ME A FUCKING CALLBACK. NOBODY. Not about cars I want to buy or look at, not about work, not even my FRIENDS, when they say "i'll call ya back", I don't even get a voice mail! Is my phone BROKEN or some shit?
I'm just throwing this all in the furnace. Fuel. Try harder. I WILL BREAK THEM ALL, if I must. I'll find a way.
My job is a pain in the ass. And a pain in the back. And in my knees, feet, shoulders, neck, wrists, pick a joint, any joint. My roommates don't mind though, so, good for them. I congratulate them on the awesome jobs that they don't hate. I know that the Alpha comes home in excruciating agony, but she never says anything... we all know how much she hurts, but she never makes it anybody else's business... It would be nice if I could have that kind of strength. People only seem to notice how I feel when I'm attempting to not communicate it, anyways.
So far, of the things of mine that have fallen apart, I have replaced my wallet and my boots. My old boots were about to turn into flip-flops with much more wear than they had. My new ones are nice... they're tough, sturdy, and now they won't kill me a little more with every step since I bought some insoles, but they don't zip, so tying them is a ten minute endeavor. Bleah. Still no watch though. I've been using my cell phone to tell time.
I've refreshed the contents of my mp3 player a few times, and noticed that I'm growing quite fond of disco, especially Jake "Virt" Kaufman's kind of disco. What can I say? Disco does what it's supposed to do: make you move. Plus I like the kind of 'romantic' theme that he seems to cover a lot. Plus the lyrics themselves are beautifully phrased.
Also,
fennecwolfox finally gave me back my tablet!!! ^^ I'm so happy I could cry. I didn't have -any- outlets without it... I of course loved the beautiful things he was making with it, but not having that tablet was like needing to pee but looking down and finding out that you've been restricted to a G-Rating! It was a nightmare! I needed my wacom fix x_x;;;
And now that I have it, at least got one piece of art out... maybe if I'm lucky I'll have another to draw when I get home in the morning. This artistic constipation really sucks :(
It's just about time for me to start getting ready for work again... I haven't actually seen my roommates conscious for more than a day o.o I kind of wish I weren't such a hermit, but that's what I get for staying up till 10 in the morning while they were all at work... i had to sleep all the way up to now *sigh*
Third shift should be a crime against humanity...
Not so fun today
General | Posted 18 years agoI did some stupid stuff today...
got up too late and walked to the bank, actually BELIEVING that they'd be open past 12 on a saturday! HAH! Nah, I just had a miserable walk. it was too hot! I ended up just buying a Slurpee from 7-11 and walking home. Still, a four mile walk? not too shabby. I could have done worse.
There's some marginally good news. I got my check in the mail, so now any car that I want that's beneath 5 grand, I can buy. Which is why I walked to the bank. But the seller I was interested in hasn't returned my call, so I think I may have missed my chance. But oh well. Life is very inconvenient without a car but it won't kill me.
There have been many extra-long shifts at work lately, ever since one of the guys quit (almost a month ago? sheez!), so I felt really crummy last night and called out. Halfway through my sleep, I woke up unable to breathe, and when I coughed it tasted... HORRIBLE. .. It seems that I had inhaled a small amount of ... vomit? no, that's not good news at all and I'm sorry to inconvenience your stomachs, but that was kind of scary. Acid in my lungs, and when I coughed I felt a retch coming on. I was able to avert it, but it's probably not a good thing...
You see, I have overcome my cough reflex back when I had whooping cough, in high school. But, stumping automated biological functions is not really a good idea, because they're designed to keep you alive while you're unconscious! It's lucky that I woke up... and did something about it before something -really- bad happened.
It's kind of sad that all of roanoke stops on a saturday though. I mean, maybe it's a good thing, that there's at least one metropolitan area in the US that still secludes Saturday and Sunday as days of rest... but it meant that I didn't have a chance to get anything done. *sigh*.
I really want that car... I am positive that if I can talk the guy down to anything beneath 4 thousand, I'll just hand him the cash and drive away. This is starting to occupy that 'burning need' area in my head that before housed my 'find a better job' and is often frequented in other people by 'i really need something to drink' while they've been stranded in a desert for half a week. I don't know how much more of this I can take, but my calls aren't being answered elsewhere x.x *sigh* man, even if we COULD make life at least 'fair', we will never, ever, ever make it 'convenient' >_>
If you read the journal that I replaced with this one, don't worry, the phase has passed, I just needed to purge my system a little. I'm okay, really, I am! ^^
got up too late and walked to the bank, actually BELIEVING that they'd be open past 12 on a saturday! HAH! Nah, I just had a miserable walk. it was too hot! I ended up just buying a Slurpee from 7-11 and walking home. Still, a four mile walk? not too shabby. I could have done worse.
There's some marginally good news. I got my check in the mail, so now any car that I want that's beneath 5 grand, I can buy. Which is why I walked to the bank. But the seller I was interested in hasn't returned my call, so I think I may have missed my chance. But oh well. Life is very inconvenient without a car but it won't kill me.
There have been many extra-long shifts at work lately, ever since one of the guys quit (almost a month ago? sheez!), so I felt really crummy last night and called out. Halfway through my sleep, I woke up unable to breathe, and when I coughed it tasted... HORRIBLE. .. It seems that I had inhaled a small amount of ... vomit? no, that's not good news at all and I'm sorry to inconvenience your stomachs, but that was kind of scary. Acid in my lungs, and when I coughed I felt a retch coming on. I was able to avert it, but it's probably not a good thing...
You see, I have overcome my cough reflex back when I had whooping cough, in high school. But, stumping automated biological functions is not really a good idea, because they're designed to keep you alive while you're unconscious! It's lucky that I woke up... and did something about it before something -really- bad happened.
It's kind of sad that all of roanoke stops on a saturday though. I mean, maybe it's a good thing, that there's at least one metropolitan area in the US that still secludes Saturday and Sunday as days of rest... but it meant that I didn't have a chance to get anything done. *sigh*.
I really want that car... I am positive that if I can talk the guy down to anything beneath 4 thousand, I'll just hand him the cash and drive away. This is starting to occupy that 'burning need' area in my head that before housed my 'find a better job' and is often frequented in other people by 'i really need something to drink' while they've been stranded in a desert for half a week. I don't know how much more of this I can take, but my calls aren't being answered elsewhere x.x *sigh* man, even if we COULD make life at least 'fair', we will never, ever, ever make it 'convenient' >_>
If you read the journal that I replaced with this one, don't worry, the phase has passed, I just needed to purge my system a little. I'm okay, really, I am! ^^
Vroom Vroom! Honk Honk!
General | Posted 18 years agoI might buy this car.
It's a white 1997 Honda Civic, and I can actually afford to pay for it all, in cash, as of tomorrow. However, it's the first successful call of mine that's been answered. It's the first car I've found that doesn't appear to have any gigantic outstanding issues... and it's the first car i've found that isn't 30 miles away.
So far, though its possession of only two doors and 120,000 miles are strikes against it, CARFAX didn't seem to hear about any problems, Geico will sell me comprehensive insurance with a 250 dollar deductible for roughly $110 per month, and furthermore, I really like the feel of the car. It feels like a car I could drive. I would enjoy owning that car. The gas mileage and reliability of a Honda is also of good renown, and for nearly twenty years, almost nobody has been able to compete with Honda in terms of reliability and gas mileage except for Toyota! The owner wants $4750.00, and no matter what, I WILL have a mechanic inspect it thoroughly before I sign ANYTHING.
Unfortunately, doubts, or perhaps cold feet? well, either way, they're dragging me down. My roommates think I'm crazy for wanting to throw five thousand bucks at a used car. They seem to believe that it's only worth a tenth that (five hundred), just because it's used. Meanwhile, everywhere I look, I'd be hard pressed to find a used car that's even THREE TIMES the price they think this one should be that isn't twenty years or MORE old, or have had catastrophic accidents or three times the mileage, to boot! I mean, for Christ's sake what kind of fantasyland have they been living in?! or was it that I've just been under a rock? I could believe either from where I stand right now...
They also think I should look at more cars... but the ones I have made calls on all sound suspicious... or don't catch my interest, and furthermore, my instinct says they smell funny.
And if I wait much longer, It WILL NOT wait for me. I've watched. Ten-Year-Old Hondas and Toyotas do not survive the classifieds untouched for more than two weeks, usually! THIS CAR WILL BE GONE. Maybe if the rest of the world believed what my roommates did, the price might be lower -.- but so far it's just like the blue-book value. My instinct says to go for it...
Just like my instinct said 'go for it' when I moved to roanoke, 'go for it' when I got that wonderful job that I couldn't keep, and 'what the hell is WRONG with you!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?' when I stupidly brushed off the responsibilities of that job to hang out with the friends who bailed me out of the ditch I tossed myself into by ignoring my instinct. It's telling me GO FOR IT. DARE I NOT?
I'm so confused...
please give me advice :( I mostly know where I'm going, but I just have to know... I have to see what others would do in my shoes. fine-tune my decision on this, because there just seem to be so many factors, so much mud in the water now, and all this doubt makes me feel like I'm damned either way and that's not a good feeling at all!
It's a white 1997 Honda Civic, and I can actually afford to pay for it all, in cash, as of tomorrow. However, it's the first successful call of mine that's been answered. It's the first car I've found that doesn't appear to have any gigantic outstanding issues... and it's the first car i've found that isn't 30 miles away.
So far, though its possession of only two doors and 120,000 miles are strikes against it, CARFAX didn't seem to hear about any problems, Geico will sell me comprehensive insurance with a 250 dollar deductible for roughly $110 per month, and furthermore, I really like the feel of the car. It feels like a car I could drive. I would enjoy owning that car. The gas mileage and reliability of a Honda is also of good renown, and for nearly twenty years, almost nobody has been able to compete with Honda in terms of reliability and gas mileage except for Toyota! The owner wants $4750.00, and no matter what, I WILL have a mechanic inspect it thoroughly before I sign ANYTHING.
Unfortunately, doubts, or perhaps cold feet? well, either way, they're dragging me down. My roommates think I'm crazy for wanting to throw five thousand bucks at a used car. They seem to believe that it's only worth a tenth that (five hundred), just because it's used. Meanwhile, everywhere I look, I'd be hard pressed to find a used car that's even THREE TIMES the price they think this one should be that isn't twenty years or MORE old, or have had catastrophic accidents or three times the mileage, to boot! I mean, for Christ's sake what kind of fantasyland have they been living in?! or was it that I've just been under a rock? I could believe either from where I stand right now...
They also think I should look at more cars... but the ones I have made calls on all sound suspicious... or don't catch my interest, and furthermore, my instinct says they smell funny.
And if I wait much longer, It WILL NOT wait for me. I've watched. Ten-Year-Old Hondas and Toyotas do not survive the classifieds untouched for more than two weeks, usually! THIS CAR WILL BE GONE. Maybe if the rest of the world believed what my roommates did, the price might be lower -.- but so far it's just like the blue-book value. My instinct says to go for it...
Just like my instinct said 'go for it' when I moved to roanoke, 'go for it' when I got that wonderful job that I couldn't keep, and 'what the hell is WRONG with you!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?' when I stupidly brushed off the responsibilities of that job to hang out with the friends who bailed me out of the ditch I tossed myself into by ignoring my instinct. It's telling me GO FOR IT. DARE I NOT?
I'm so confused...
please give me advice :( I mostly know where I'm going, but I just have to know... I have to see what others would do in my shoes. fine-tune my decision on this, because there just seem to be so many factors, so much mud in the water now, and all this doubt makes me feel like I'm damned either way and that's not a good feeling at all!
The battle is never over
General | Posted 18 years agoFive Months. It's been almost five months since I lost control, closed the blast doors, set up the autopilot, and tried to wait out the inevitable disaster that fell this past april... And now, I awaken to find that I don't like where I've landed--but that's something to be expected, when your life takes a nosedive.
I can't be sure how long I'm going to be present... how long I will be 'conscious', how long I will manage to remain clinging to this body; I've had phases, fading in and out of awareness to my situation over this entire time, but I'm electing to act as if I am back to stay, as it would be a nice change of pace to root for the best case scenario again.
I had a vision, just before I 'awoke'.
I daydreamed a walk beside a pool, and a dolphin swam up beside me. He laughed-- encouragingly, mind you... --and spoke at me:
"Silly Dry-Worlder, you are sad for no good reason, and that makes you boring. Got any fish?"
Every dream has a surreal moment that shocks you into noticing that you're asleep, and it's time to wake up. For all this time, I'd been taking the hardest, longest path, as if a penance, and The Dolphin told me that it was fruitless. He's right, you know. It's like setting your mind to trudge through a field full of shit when you have a pair of wings on your back. What a stupid idea it all was.
I don't need to feel like shit to combat depression. This hole isn't really even a hole at all. The entire semblance of depth is a projection of a mind that expects an ordeal but has no plan to prepare for it. I just wish I was awake this whole time. I could've really given myself a lot of good advice.
And yet, somehow, it feels honest. It feels so much more pure than any wallowing-in-my-own-emotions that I could've ever done before. I've discovered a mantra, thanks to the dolphin, and it has led me to a new peace that I will hold on to for as long as I care to (I'm not one to set limits). In case you didn't catch it, the whole point is this: "Wow, feeling sad really sucks." "Really? Well, why don't you stop?" ... it's an idea that crosses every sad person's mind, but few people know how to actualize just how to ... stop. The source of my peace, the peace the dolphin delivered, is this:
"I have no room in my heart for hatred, anger, sadness, pain, or regret... These things have never helped me; so I shall no longer help them."
And then it all fades away peacefully with a deep breath.
There's a funny side-effect of this balance I've found...
My co-workers are finally acknowledging the emotional status I've possessed all along. Though it is a relatively good feeling to be understood, it is still a dark knowledge which they have become aware of. They are finally acknowledging that I am depressed (after a fashion). The worst is far behind me now, though, and I think it is fortunate that they did not comprehend while I was still at my lowest point. I'm even relatively happy. It lends me to this 'having just woken up' interpretation, because it feels as though I'd been trapped inside a body made of lies, if I could have felt as horrible as I did and nobody could see at the time.
(I hope for your sake you have never been there, at least not in the state I was. It's one thing to feel ecstatic and have everyone think that you are angry, but when you wish a plane could just fall out of the sky and crush you and everybody around you thinks you're walking on sunshine... well... welcome to hell, population you.)
My boss, Bobby, is encouraging me to seek expensive professional help. Now that I can almost touch the silver lining of my cloud, it strikes me as sort of a 'shut the barn door after the horse is stolen' scenario. Maybe I could've justified thousands (or at least hundreds) of dollars of debt when I was still both UNDER a sword of Damocles AND the thread itself... but now, it feels kind of pointless.
Furthermore... I have always felt that doing that is cheating. I never liked how people so often depreciate the idea of Emotion by reminding themselves that "It's just a chemical reaction", classifying their soul's desperate pleas for help as "a chemical imbalance" and then pumping themselves full of drugs to quick-fix it... ugh.
The way out is simple, and I don't need to sink a paycheck (or more) on someone to tell me how to get there. All I need to do is keep trying, keep being honest to myself, acknowledging my feelings but not dwelling on them. The last thing I need is a brain chemistry dependency on a cocktail of drugs that I can't afford. Hell, if someone damned me to that and only that choice, that would be enough itself to keep me depressed.
Just more shit I don't need, you know? *sigh*
I can't be sure how long I'm going to be present... how long I will be 'conscious', how long I will manage to remain clinging to this body; I've had phases, fading in and out of awareness to my situation over this entire time, but I'm electing to act as if I am back to stay, as it would be a nice change of pace to root for the best case scenario again.
I had a vision, just before I 'awoke'.
I daydreamed a walk beside a pool, and a dolphin swam up beside me. He laughed-- encouragingly, mind you... --and spoke at me:
"Silly Dry-Worlder, you are sad for no good reason, and that makes you boring. Got any fish?"
Every dream has a surreal moment that shocks you into noticing that you're asleep, and it's time to wake up. For all this time, I'd been taking the hardest, longest path, as if a penance, and The Dolphin told me that it was fruitless. He's right, you know. It's like setting your mind to trudge through a field full of shit when you have a pair of wings on your back. What a stupid idea it all was.
I don't need to feel like shit to combat depression. This hole isn't really even a hole at all. The entire semblance of depth is a projection of a mind that expects an ordeal but has no plan to prepare for it. I just wish I was awake this whole time. I could've really given myself a lot of good advice.
And yet, somehow, it feels honest. It feels so much more pure than any wallowing-in-my-own-emotions that I could've ever done before. I've discovered a mantra, thanks to the dolphin, and it has led me to a new peace that I will hold on to for as long as I care to (I'm not one to set limits). In case you didn't catch it, the whole point is this: "Wow, feeling sad really sucks." "Really? Well, why don't you stop?" ... it's an idea that crosses every sad person's mind, but few people know how to actualize just how to ... stop. The source of my peace, the peace the dolphin delivered, is this:
"I have no room in my heart for hatred, anger, sadness, pain, or regret... These things have never helped me; so I shall no longer help them."
And then it all fades away peacefully with a deep breath.
There's a funny side-effect of this balance I've found...
My co-workers are finally acknowledging the emotional status I've possessed all along. Though it is a relatively good feeling to be understood, it is still a dark knowledge which they have become aware of. They are finally acknowledging that I am depressed (after a fashion). The worst is far behind me now, though, and I think it is fortunate that they did not comprehend while I was still at my lowest point. I'm even relatively happy. It lends me to this 'having just woken up' interpretation, because it feels as though I'd been trapped inside a body made of lies, if I could have felt as horrible as I did and nobody could see at the time.
(I hope for your sake you have never been there, at least not in the state I was. It's one thing to feel ecstatic and have everyone think that you are angry, but when you wish a plane could just fall out of the sky and crush you and everybody around you thinks you're walking on sunshine... well... welcome to hell, population you.)
My boss, Bobby, is encouraging me to seek expensive professional help. Now that I can almost touch the silver lining of my cloud, it strikes me as sort of a 'shut the barn door after the horse is stolen' scenario. Maybe I could've justified thousands (or at least hundreds) of dollars of debt when I was still both UNDER a sword of Damocles AND the thread itself... but now, it feels kind of pointless.
Furthermore... I have always felt that doing that is cheating. I never liked how people so often depreciate the idea of Emotion by reminding themselves that "It's just a chemical reaction", classifying their soul's desperate pleas for help as "a chemical imbalance" and then pumping themselves full of drugs to quick-fix it... ugh.
The way out is simple, and I don't need to sink a paycheck (or more) on someone to tell me how to get there. All I need to do is keep trying, keep being honest to myself, acknowledging my feelings but not dwelling on them. The last thing I need is a brain chemistry dependency on a cocktail of drugs that I can't afford. Hell, if someone damned me to that and only that choice, that would be enough itself to keep me depressed.
Just more shit I don't need, you know? *sigh*
YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESWOOOOOH!!!
General | Posted 18 years agoOH MAN!! YES I AM SO DIZZYINGLY, PROFOUNDLY EX-TAT-IC--y'know why? WANNA KNOW? REALLY? OKAY I'll tell you!!!
spiderfoxtail OPENED HIS FA ACCOUNT!! HEEEE!! :D :D :D :D :D
*bounces with GLEE*
AND YOU MUST LOOK at what he has! Oh my god--do you REALIZE, that he is practically THE REASON why I draw?! I started drawing, period, because I saw what HE did and couldn't let it out of my head! I have TOLD you about him before, he IS the patron GOD, within my pantheon, of artistic skill.
*deep breath--deep breath--hyperventilating--deep breath*
OKAY... okay... okay. ... okay.
okay.
...
I ... yes, this ... it definitely sounds like I'm delusional. ... and believe me it's taking me everything I've got to not just conk out into sugarshock in my seat right now, this very second, but I assure you that there is a reason that I am so very fond of spiderfoxtail
I don't just say he's a great person because I'm a raving lunatic fanboy. I'm a raving lunatic fanboy BECAUSE he is, really is, just an all around awesome guy. ... I've even met him. I feel ... funny... knowing that I have been granted the immeasurable honor of being able to call him my friend, because sometimes, respect just gets in the way of familiarity. But, a long time ago, I approached him as a stammering, nervous no-talent pawn that thought that he wouldn't have the time of day for me. And yet... he did.
Probably one of the most defining points of who I am is what he directly contributed to my personality and worldview. It isn't that I've subjugated myself, but so much more that I have learned so many things from knowing him, even about myself. Maybe he's not the answer to life the universe and everything for everybody else, but... when I talk to him, I can tell that he just ... brings out the best in me... reminds me of who I am, and helps me keep track of how I can be the kind of friend that friends like to have.
...
The last conveyance I want to make is of creepiness. If it helps, you could just say that there are good vibes here. Really good vibes. There are few sources of genuine happiness in my life, but knowing Spiderfox has been one of them all along. Just give him a look... drop him a line, because despite how modest he is, I truly and honestly believe that he's a hero of the purest kind. And if my view of him is anywhere even close to approximating the truth, you might see some degree of all the distilled, essential AWESOME in his art that I do ^_^
spiderfoxtail OPENED HIS FA ACCOUNT!! HEEEE!! :D :D :D :D :D*bounces with GLEE*
AND YOU MUST LOOK at what he has! Oh my god--do you REALIZE, that he is practically THE REASON why I draw?! I started drawing, period, because I saw what HE did and couldn't let it out of my head! I have TOLD you about him before, he IS the patron GOD, within my pantheon, of artistic skill.
*deep breath--deep breath--hyperventilating--deep breath*
OKAY... okay... okay. ... okay.
okay.
...
I ... yes, this ... it definitely sounds like I'm delusional. ... and believe me it's taking me everything I've got to not just conk out into sugarshock in my seat right now, this very second, but I assure you that there is a reason that I am so very fond of
spiderfoxtailI don't just say he's a great person because I'm a raving lunatic fanboy. I'm a raving lunatic fanboy BECAUSE he is, really is, just an all around awesome guy. ... I've even met him. I feel ... funny... knowing that I have been granted the immeasurable honor of being able to call him my friend, because sometimes, respect just gets in the way of familiarity. But, a long time ago, I approached him as a stammering, nervous no-talent pawn that thought that he wouldn't have the time of day for me. And yet... he did.
Probably one of the most defining points of who I am is what he directly contributed to my personality and worldview. It isn't that I've subjugated myself, but so much more that I have learned so many things from knowing him, even about myself. Maybe he's not the answer to life the universe and everything for everybody else, but... when I talk to him, I can tell that he just ... brings out the best in me... reminds me of who I am, and helps me keep track of how I can be the kind of friend that friends like to have.
...
The last conveyance I want to make is of creepiness. If it helps, you could just say that there are good vibes here. Really good vibes. There are few sources of genuine happiness in my life, but knowing Spiderfox has been one of them all along. Just give him a look... drop him a line, because despite how modest he is, I truly and honestly believe that he's a hero of the purest kind. And if my view of him is anywhere even close to approximating the truth, you might see some degree of all the distilled, essential AWESOME in his art that I do ^_^
Prefs
General | Posted 18 years agoSaw it on
jenny's journal...So's I stoled it.
(+++) O_O :D
(++) <3
(+) 's okay.
(~) Meh.
(-) No thank you.
(--) Okay, please stop.
(---) FUCK THIS I'M ATTA HERE!
(?) Never seen it.
Anal on Males (--)
Anal on Females (-)
Breasts (++)
Breast Expansion (~)
Weight Gain (~)
Bondage (~)
Clothing (+)
Leather (+)
Stockings (++)
Shoe/Boots (~)
Suit and Tie (~)
Muscle, Male (--)
Muscle, Female (-)
Herm (---)
Cub (---) (...unless it's furnut's. I don't understand HOW.)
Baby/Diaper (---)
Transformation (-)
Macro/Micro (++)
Impregnation (~)
Pregnancy (~)
Lactation (~)
Vore (soft) (~)
Vore (hard) (---)
Paw/Foot (-)
Incest (-)
Yuri (F/F) (+++)
Yaoi (M/M) (---)
Hetero (M/F) (++)
Bi (+)
Girly Boys (~)
Butch Girls (~)
Mind Control (?)
Rape (--)
Uniform (?)
Orgy (~)
Subbing/Domming (-)
Biting (-)
Cheesecake (++)
Solo Masturbation(F) (+++)
Solo Masturbation(M) (--)
Scat (---) (UNLESS it's ZombieCat O_O He's a God!)
Inflation (~)
Fat/Pudge (~)
Tech (++)
Watersports (---)
Glasses (+++) (GLASSES ARE HOT! ME LIKES TEH SOPHISTICATED MOMMA! XD)
Tentacles (+) (female ONLY.)
Oviposition (?)
Masochism (+) (... no comment)
Sadism (-)
Multiple body parts (-)
Partial Nudity (++)
Gore/guro (---)
Snuff (---)
Hyper (---)
Zoophilia (---)
Electricity/e-stim (---)
She-males (---)
Cross-dressing (~)
Skunk spray (---)
Oral (+++) (female ONLY.)
Asphyxiation (---)
...Well that didn't seem so hard.
Eighth Deadly Sin
General | Posted 18 years agoThere was a cool breeze blowing as I walked home from work today. After all of the stifling, heavy, humid days here in Roanoke, It was uncannily refreshing. I guess this might mean that summer is ending...
... and somehow, that always makes me sad.
Ever since I was little, I dreaded September. It meant School, and School meant Pain; it still does. It may always. September still fills me with dread, and I doubt it'll ever cease to. So, for now, I must meditate on the specter of the dying leaves that looms ahead until I can bear to face it... hopefully before Fall actually begins.
I had a dream not long ago that the Holiday section in the grocery store was laid out for Christmas, which scared the heck out of me, because it's still summer. IT IS STILL SUMMER. It's laid out for back to school right now, but I want to scream at the top of my lungs and make them understand that IT IS STILL SUMMER! Kids don't want to know that their long days of relax and sunshine are spiraling with mad abandon toward the cold, merciless days of endless drudgery in the classroom.
I wish I owned a store just so I could set up a "Not back to school YET!" section.
...
Today they worked me a little later than usual... until roughly 7:45 AM, which is a good hour and fifteen minutes of overtime pay. That's fine. What's notable is that I was working in Aisle 10, where all of the soda is kept, and observing the substance called "Diet Root Beer".
I have decided that Diet Root Beer is The Eighth Deadly Sin.
Root Beer is the only substance that all of the soda imbibing inhabitants and visitors in the house can agree on drinking. Honestly, I never really particularly loved Root Beer... but I don't hate it. I'm sure there have to be some people out there in the world who hate HATE HATE Root Beer with the deepest, blackest, cruelest vitriol their souls can spew up, but I've yet to meet one of them. Root Beer is sort of the universal beverage of the pack right now...
But making something Diet is almost, but not quite, exactly and COMPLETELY indistinguishable from sucking the soul out of something and replacing it with, i dunno, a ball of lint or something. Diet food is... unnatural somehow. Practically by definition, it lacks. There are just some things that humans consume that we just... AREN'T supposed to, and those things are very often found in diet food to replace something we may have thought at some point to be bad for us.
Diet Jello. The Unit Price of Diet Jello is higher than the final price, and when I have to stock them on Aisle Five, it feels like I'm stocking empty boxes. Why, pay a buck for a flimsy cardboard box full of air? WHY, COUNT ME IN! Not. Mary Lou (a coworker) once commented that she believed in that tabloid article that's run every so often stating that the human body, at the point of death (soul's leaving...) becomes less heavy, as if the "soul" had a mass inside it that simply flitted away... and she compared this to the sugar free jello. I agree.
...so when you take common denominator of all sodas and DIETIFY it...
...
look, all I'm saying is, the idea of it makes me retch. I don't care whether or not it really does perform some kind of DARK SCIENCE that transmutes the substance into a flesh-corroding vial of CONDENSED DEATH, I don't care if it "doesn't even taste that bad"! It's just WRONG to me!
Diet Root Beer:
Have a Nice Tall Glass of EVIL INCARNATE
... and somehow, that always makes me sad.
Ever since I was little, I dreaded September. It meant School, and School meant Pain; it still does. It may always. September still fills me with dread, and I doubt it'll ever cease to. So, for now, I must meditate on the specter of the dying leaves that looms ahead until I can bear to face it... hopefully before Fall actually begins.
I had a dream not long ago that the Holiday section in the grocery store was laid out for Christmas, which scared the heck out of me, because it's still summer. IT IS STILL SUMMER. It's laid out for back to school right now, but I want to scream at the top of my lungs and make them understand that IT IS STILL SUMMER! Kids don't want to know that their long days of relax and sunshine are spiraling with mad abandon toward the cold, merciless days of endless drudgery in the classroom.
I wish I owned a store just so I could set up a "Not back to school YET!" section.
...
Today they worked me a little later than usual... until roughly 7:45 AM, which is a good hour and fifteen minutes of overtime pay. That's fine. What's notable is that I was working in Aisle 10, where all of the soda is kept, and observing the substance called "Diet Root Beer".
I have decided that Diet Root Beer is The Eighth Deadly Sin.
Root Beer is the only substance that all of the soda imbibing inhabitants and visitors in the house can agree on drinking. Honestly, I never really particularly loved Root Beer... but I don't hate it. I'm sure there have to be some people out there in the world who hate HATE HATE Root Beer with the deepest, blackest, cruelest vitriol their souls can spew up, but I've yet to meet one of them. Root Beer is sort of the universal beverage of the pack right now...
But making something Diet is almost, but not quite, exactly and COMPLETELY indistinguishable from sucking the soul out of something and replacing it with, i dunno, a ball of lint or something. Diet food is... unnatural somehow. Practically by definition, it lacks. There are just some things that humans consume that we just... AREN'T supposed to, and those things are very often found in diet food to replace something we may have thought at some point to be bad for us.
Diet Jello. The Unit Price of Diet Jello is higher than the final price, and when I have to stock them on Aisle Five, it feels like I'm stocking empty boxes. Why, pay a buck for a flimsy cardboard box full of air? WHY, COUNT ME IN! Not. Mary Lou (a coworker) once commented that she believed in that tabloid article that's run every so often stating that the human body, at the point of death (soul's leaving...) becomes less heavy, as if the "soul" had a mass inside it that simply flitted away... and she compared this to the sugar free jello. I agree.
...so when you take common denominator of all sodas and DIETIFY it...
...
look, all I'm saying is, the idea of it makes me retch. I don't care whether or not it really does perform some kind of DARK SCIENCE that transmutes the substance into a flesh-corroding vial of CONDENSED DEATH, I don't care if it "doesn't even taste that bad"! It's just WRONG to me!
Diet Root Beer:
Have a Nice Tall Glass of EVIL INCARNATE
I CAN feel the sunshine...!
General | Posted 18 years agoSo it's been... a month. Damn... more than a whole month. I feel kind of ashamed... but a lot of things have happened, and I get to fill you in!
So... it feels like I'm mostly stable. Emotionally speaking. Oh gods, it's just been a roller coaster ya know? I've been up and down just about every back street of my mind at least thirty-eight times and still can't quite tell you what's there, but I do feel mostly the better for it. My only regret is that it took this long.
But I'm too afraid to say I'm completely out of the woods yet... because the road could take a sharp bend back in at any time, it all depends on where my life goes from here. I guess you could say that right now is a 'save point'. Heh.
I bought a cheap little MP3 player. For most, fifty bucks isn't 'cheap', but it can hold a gig of data (I can put things that aren't mp3s on it if I really wanted to...) and its battery can keep me 'grooving' all night at work (yes... Grooving is the funnest word for it right now...), which has single-pawedly jolted my productivity up to almost double, if not more at some times! The key of it is the SONIC R soundtrack. I tell you, when I hear "can you feel the sunshine", I just ROCKET! it's great, and I don't know HOW, but the beat of that song just makes me MOVE. I don't know how to explain it! Especially when I actually pay attention to the lyrics.
"Can you see, The sun is shining on me,
It makes me feel so free, so alive,
It makes me want to survive!
And the sky, It makes me feel so high,
The bad times pass me by,
and today,
is gonna be a brighter day!!"
The answer is an excessive YES, I can feel that sunshine and it DOES do all that stuff :p Heck, walking up the two ENORMOUS hills to get home from work took me LESS than the song's time!! I was totally winded up at the top. but as I was going up I had this inconceivable urge to match the beat with my steps, so I just PLOWED. I huffed and puffed for half an hour when I got home at 7:30 and I'm STILL kind of tired out right now O_O which CAN'T be good for me. All I'm saying is...
it's good to have some inspiration, especially to do things above and beyond what limits you previously believed you had.
In fact... it's kind of remarkable, how frail life's 'implied limits' are. It suddenly feels like all I had to do was push and all the resources generated themselves. But there's something unsettling to this epiphany: Now, I distinctly remember knowing it before. Just NOW, I distinctly remember failing it before. RIGHT NOW, I can distinctly remember when I stopped believing it to be true. And Today, from where I stand, from this perspective of supposed semi-enlightenment, I can remember as clearly as open sky, the process of forgetting the magick of pushed envelopes.
I guess that one could say, the lesson to learn from it all is: no limits really apply except for the one on how many you can break, and you will NEVER know what that limit is until it's too late. Sure, it's easy to offer the advice of "pace yourself" under normal circumstances... but now I know why, and it is a very good reason. It's not just "or you'll burn out", it's "or you will burn out not only your immediate capacity for energy, but every attempt to reclaim your previously lost potential for a VERY LONG-ASS TIME during which you will be Absolutely MISERABLE and be a loathsome burden on EVERYONE you love and care about."
Ooh yeah. That's the vitriol of REAL DANGER.
In other news, I've enrolled Adrianna in Alpha Female's IRON KINGDOMS campaign, which seems like a really good setting for her. It's a theme that the book calls "Full Metal Fantasy", and the pack opinion on it seems to be between Neutral and F#@$ Yeah in regards to how well the name fits. Steam Power with all the technical gaps filled in with magic? I say, dear sir, that does quite indubitably ROCK THE HELL OUT. :D
I get to represent her mechanical arm and everything, and a whole new array of interesting toys that also graft onto Ye Olde Stumpe-of-Arm, like a thermal radiation (no flame) welding 'torch' with adjustable heat dispersal (up to 4 feet, like a beam sword!), a steam powered drill with transmission system for torque/speed balancing and a wide selection of parts ranging from fastener bits of all shapes and sizes to miniature circular saw blades (think dremel). Last but not least, a TOTALLY sweet gunblade ^_^
Fact is, my pencil hasn't been dead while I've been away. The campaign has inspired me to figure out what Adri looks like as a human, and I must say... she's really coming along! The only problem is, I don't have a scanner anymore! Crumbs and fiddlesticks! I may have to sink another seventy dollars pretty soon.
in Other OTHER news, I have a desk to sit at with my laptop, but NOT an ethernet cable long enough to connect it (And the wireless network once accessible from my bedroom evaporated...)--but that's okay, because the desk was FREE! I was walking home from work about two weeks ago with a 24 pack of Root Beer and two jugs of technicolor sugar water drink (don't you just love that shit? I know I do!) cleverly strung on my belt, which I hung from my shoulder. BELIEVE ME, walking up those two massive hills is HELL carrying 35 pounds of easily-split-open-and-burst-sticky-cold-wetness-all-over-you.
So I'm making my way up the stairs of my building's stoop, and this girl, she just runs down the stairs saying "Sir? Hey, sir! Hey! You want a desk?"
"What...? ME? Oh! OH! Sure! Of course! That sounds great!"
Alpha female stepped out of the pack den now, being late for work, and decided that she had to help me carry the thing down two flights of stairs ;_; Which made me feel HORRIBLY guilty... I mean gods! She was already late for WORK! And now she was going to be exhaustedanditwasallmyFAULTOHGODIMSOSORRY*SOB!*
*ahem*
I've recently come to accept the fact that, maybe if I -didn't- deserve them, my friends -wouldn't- love me, nor would they -ever- help me like that... so I'm thankful now.... my guilt trip has ended since.
Turned out this was a MASSIVE pine desk! Long story short it took me a few days to get my shit together and assemble it. But boy, it was worth it. I had a friend help me, and I bought a totally sweet leather computer chair at HALF PRICE!!! SCORE!! So, I'm happy about that.
In my final bit of news today... I'm intending on spending more time in furcadia. it's just that, the past four days, I've been really busy! Really! like, REALLY! Work. Sleep. Some in-person RP, too, but mostly sleep. And work.
You see, I used to be so much more creative when I used furc... I need it for inspiration. I just feel kind of incomplete without giving all of my characters a sandbox to play in. Each one seems to patron a different aspect of my personality... and if they're suffering, I happen to be suffering TOO. In fact...
Adrianna VanHesser/VanHeisser (I Optional depending on if I feel like it)
-Represents my Confidence and Ambition, and greatly influences my ability to get up and GO at the drop of a hat.
Cyrus Alerec Draegur
-Represents my Determination and Honor, and influences me to make sacrifices that I owe for others, even when it hurts. ...Especially when it hurts.
"Stone Hawk" Taggart
-Represents my Responsibility and Maturity, and influences me to finish what I start and start what needs finishing (like chores >_o; )
Allyssa Tal'Anvard
-Represents (represented?) my Compassion and Patience, and continues to be an influence (despite it all) to make me do the right thing and go out of my way to help even complete strangers, if I'm at least capable...
Darrius Elengine Draegur
-Represents my Wisdom and Impartiality, and influences me to make the most logical choice available if I can't decide otherwise... Damn, I need to listen to him more...
Niall "Needless Violence" O'Connor
-Represents my inner peace and acceptance. Yes, despite his name... he is very peaceful, and he influences me to appreciate the simpler things.
It doesn't cover everything, and many of these "Aspect Patrons" have various ... statuses affecting them. For instance... Adrianna is VERY strong right now, and is being backed up by Cyrus with some interjection from his son, Darrius. Adrianna's strength is eerily well-coordinated with the fact that I'm exercising her persona in Alpha Female's campaign. Cyrus, in the mean time, is clawing his way back to existence on Furcadia, an event being propelled in large part by his Son who wants to see his (i guess you could say she's a) significant other again. Allyssa, on the other paw... has been silent and distant, retracted into a ball of woeful helplessness, and I don't know how to make her feel better :( And it coincides with some of my less considerate behaviors...
I could be deluding myself, but I'm more comfortable believing that bringing these souls to a more complete existence will have, maybe, some karmic effect on me, to put it selfishly... or to put it a different way, maybe giving them some happiness again will just make me feel better. I don't know. I don't care. I am not going to argue this. All I'm concerned in is that this is what I'd like to do, and that's that.
It's personal. That's how personal decisions are supposed to go :p
So... it feels like I'm mostly stable. Emotionally speaking. Oh gods, it's just been a roller coaster ya know? I've been up and down just about every back street of my mind at least thirty-eight times and still can't quite tell you what's there, but I do feel mostly the better for it. My only regret is that it took this long.
But I'm too afraid to say I'm completely out of the woods yet... because the road could take a sharp bend back in at any time, it all depends on where my life goes from here. I guess you could say that right now is a 'save point'. Heh.
I bought a cheap little MP3 player. For most, fifty bucks isn't 'cheap', but it can hold a gig of data (I can put things that aren't mp3s on it if I really wanted to...) and its battery can keep me 'grooving' all night at work (yes... Grooving is the funnest word for it right now...), which has single-pawedly jolted my productivity up to almost double, if not more at some times! The key of it is the SONIC R soundtrack. I tell you, when I hear "can you feel the sunshine", I just ROCKET! it's great, and I don't know HOW, but the beat of that song just makes me MOVE. I don't know how to explain it! Especially when I actually pay attention to the lyrics.
"Can you see, The sun is shining on me,
It makes me feel so free, so alive,
It makes me want to survive!
And the sky, It makes me feel so high,
The bad times pass me by,
and today,
is gonna be a brighter day!!"
The answer is an excessive YES, I can feel that sunshine and it DOES do all that stuff :p Heck, walking up the two ENORMOUS hills to get home from work took me LESS than the song's time!! I was totally winded up at the top. but as I was going up I had this inconceivable urge to match the beat with my steps, so I just PLOWED. I huffed and puffed for half an hour when I got home at 7:30 and I'm STILL kind of tired out right now O_O which CAN'T be good for me. All I'm saying is...
it's good to have some inspiration, especially to do things above and beyond what limits you previously believed you had.
In fact... it's kind of remarkable, how frail life's 'implied limits' are. It suddenly feels like all I had to do was push and all the resources generated themselves. But there's something unsettling to this epiphany: Now, I distinctly remember knowing it before. Just NOW, I distinctly remember failing it before. RIGHT NOW, I can distinctly remember when I stopped believing it to be true. And Today, from where I stand, from this perspective of supposed semi-enlightenment, I can remember as clearly as open sky, the process of forgetting the magick of pushed envelopes.
I guess that one could say, the lesson to learn from it all is: no limits really apply except for the one on how many you can break, and you will NEVER know what that limit is until it's too late. Sure, it's easy to offer the advice of "pace yourself" under normal circumstances... but now I know why, and it is a very good reason. It's not just "or you'll burn out", it's "or you will burn out not only your immediate capacity for energy, but every attempt to reclaim your previously lost potential for a VERY LONG-ASS TIME during which you will be Absolutely MISERABLE and be a loathsome burden on EVERYONE you love and care about."
Ooh yeah. That's the vitriol of REAL DANGER.
In other news, I've enrolled Adrianna in Alpha Female's IRON KINGDOMS campaign, which seems like a really good setting for her. It's a theme that the book calls "Full Metal Fantasy", and the pack opinion on it seems to be between Neutral and F#@$ Yeah in regards to how well the name fits. Steam Power with all the technical gaps filled in with magic? I say, dear sir, that does quite indubitably ROCK THE HELL OUT. :D
I get to represent her mechanical arm and everything, and a whole new array of interesting toys that also graft onto Ye Olde Stumpe-of-Arm, like a thermal radiation (no flame) welding 'torch' with adjustable heat dispersal (up to 4 feet, like a beam sword!), a steam powered drill with transmission system for torque/speed balancing and a wide selection of parts ranging from fastener bits of all shapes and sizes to miniature circular saw blades (think dremel). Last but not least, a TOTALLY sweet gunblade ^_^
Fact is, my pencil hasn't been dead while I've been away. The campaign has inspired me to figure out what Adri looks like as a human, and I must say... she's really coming along! The only problem is, I don't have a scanner anymore! Crumbs and fiddlesticks! I may have to sink another seventy dollars pretty soon.
in Other OTHER news, I have a desk to sit at with my laptop, but NOT an ethernet cable long enough to connect it (And the wireless network once accessible from my bedroom evaporated...)--but that's okay, because the desk was FREE! I was walking home from work about two weeks ago with a 24 pack of Root Beer and two jugs of technicolor sugar water drink (don't you just love that shit? I know I do!) cleverly strung on my belt, which I hung from my shoulder. BELIEVE ME, walking up those two massive hills is HELL carrying 35 pounds of easily-split-open-and-burst-sticky-cold-wetness-all-over-you.
So I'm making my way up the stairs of my building's stoop, and this girl, she just runs down the stairs saying "Sir? Hey, sir! Hey! You want a desk?"
"What...? ME? Oh! OH! Sure! Of course! That sounds great!"
Alpha female stepped out of the pack den now, being late for work, and decided that she had to help me carry the thing down two flights of stairs ;_; Which made me feel HORRIBLY guilty... I mean gods! She was already late for WORK! And now she was going to be exhaustedanditwasallmyFAULTOHGODIMSOSORRY*SOB!*
*ahem*
I've recently come to accept the fact that, maybe if I -didn't- deserve them, my friends -wouldn't- love me, nor would they -ever- help me like that... so I'm thankful now.... my guilt trip has ended since.
Turned out this was a MASSIVE pine desk! Long story short it took me a few days to get my shit together and assemble it. But boy, it was worth it. I had a friend help me, and I bought a totally sweet leather computer chair at HALF PRICE!!! SCORE!! So, I'm happy about that.
In my final bit of news today... I'm intending on spending more time in furcadia. it's just that, the past four days, I've been really busy! Really! like, REALLY! Work. Sleep. Some in-person RP, too, but mostly sleep. And work.
You see, I used to be so much more creative when I used furc... I need it for inspiration. I just feel kind of incomplete without giving all of my characters a sandbox to play in. Each one seems to patron a different aspect of my personality... and if they're suffering, I happen to be suffering TOO. In fact...
Adrianna VanHesser/VanHeisser (I Optional depending on if I feel like it)
-Represents my Confidence and Ambition, and greatly influences my ability to get up and GO at the drop of a hat.
Cyrus Alerec Draegur
-Represents my Determination and Honor, and influences me to make sacrifices that I owe for others, even when it hurts. ...Especially when it hurts.
"Stone Hawk" Taggart
-Represents my Responsibility and Maturity, and influences me to finish what I start and start what needs finishing (like chores >_o; )
Allyssa Tal'Anvard
-Represents (represented?) my Compassion and Patience, and continues to be an influence (despite it all) to make me do the right thing and go out of my way to help even complete strangers, if I'm at least capable...
Darrius Elengine Draegur
-Represents my Wisdom and Impartiality, and influences me to make the most logical choice available if I can't decide otherwise... Damn, I need to listen to him more...
Niall "Needless Violence" O'Connor
-Represents my inner peace and acceptance. Yes, despite his name... he is very peaceful, and he influences me to appreciate the simpler things.
It doesn't cover everything, and many of these "Aspect Patrons" have various ... statuses affecting them. For instance... Adrianna is VERY strong right now, and is being backed up by Cyrus with some interjection from his son, Darrius. Adrianna's strength is eerily well-coordinated with the fact that I'm exercising her persona in Alpha Female's campaign. Cyrus, in the mean time, is clawing his way back to existence on Furcadia, an event being propelled in large part by his Son who wants to see his (i guess you could say she's a) significant other again. Allyssa, on the other paw... has been silent and distant, retracted into a ball of woeful helplessness, and I don't know how to make her feel better :( And it coincides with some of my less considerate behaviors...
I could be deluding myself, but I'm more comfortable believing that bringing these souls to a more complete existence will have, maybe, some karmic effect on me, to put it selfishly... or to put it a different way, maybe giving them some happiness again will just make me feel better. I don't know. I don't care. I am not going to argue this. All I'm concerned in is that this is what I'd like to do, and that's that.
It's personal. That's how personal decisions are supposed to go :p
What's in a name?
General | Posted 18 years agoToday I got the funny realization that I'd just met one more "Matt" who happens to be an asshole.
...
Yes, I know, I know, "All Generalizations are False, including This one" --Mark Twain; not EVERY Matt is an asshole, but I've distinctly detected in Matt observations an otherwise inexplicable tendency to be assholes. And here's something to consider: I am absolutely SURE that I am an asshole deep down in my heart--not just the regular everyday "Everybody's an asshole, really"--I mean that if I did not clamp down on myself with an IRON FIST, I would, daily, be making the lives of the people around me 75% WORSE, AT LEAST.
But you see, that's what makes it worthwhile to me... that I care enough to attempt to make a difference, even if it doesn't always work out. It's not dishonesty to self (I know I'm a jerk, and I admit that I'm a jerk); it is merely that it is within my capability to make a more positive (or at least less negative) impact on the experiences of those around me, and if you can't accept any reason for me to do it other than a selfish one, I'll GIVE YOU a selfish one: it makes me feel good. When I make someone's day, it makes MY day. And when I've had my day 'made' and I feel great, EVERYBODY has a much better time! It's like a good mood grants me a +12 ability modifier to my otherwise quite unfortunate charisma. When I feel good, and I wing it, life only gets better. If I feel bad, though, PLOOM! Everything bombs straight to shit. I've witnessed this. It's interesting to watch.
Lately though, especially the past few days, I've been slowly, excruciatingly climbing a ladder, attempting to shovel my way out of this shit hole mood, and it has been the very definition of arduous. If you've never been depressed, it isn't POSSIBLE to have it adequately explained to you just how badly it affects every corner of your life. The internal feelings of uselessness add up to a constant emotional, mental, and PHYSICAL fatigue. My arms were feeling like they were made of lead. The universe weighed on my shoulders and dragged at my every step. But now... it's almost gone. So close, soooo close....
See, what I did lately was... confess to something. I don't really know whether or not it's true, but... it is about something I have been doing for quite a long time.
For a while, I was extremely disdainful of the catholic church. Whenever a discussion about religion ensued, I plied my every fiber of focus toward tearing down Christianity... In every subtle reference I made to do with philosophy or theology, christianity was to blame. And living with the people that I used to live with didn't help this problem any, at all... In fact, staunch atheists that they were, I felt attacked whenever I made note of even the small bits of belief that I DID have at the time. Eventually, I made a rather large mistake; I shut spirituality out of my life.
Now, there's something really special about my new roommates. They know that a personal journey is, after all, a personal journey. They are extremely spiritual, somewhat occult, and even themselves supernatural... very well-developed in the realms of spirituality. Naturally, I attempted to piggyback, and was met with resistance that I didn't expect. That's fine, though, because that's when I realized, this was the personal part of the personal journey. In a fell swoop they pointed out to me a large chunk of hypocrisy I'd been crippling myself with; which I have subsequently taken head on and work on even as we speak.
But you see, we had many discussions about faiths, and it eventually came to the point where they had to ask me, "What IS IT with you and Christianity? What did it ever, EVER do to YOU, PERSONALLY?"
... That stopped me dead in my tracks.
Well, what DID it do? DID it do anything? I was surely angry at the hypocrisy involved, the corruption, the greed--but that happens with EVERY large-scale institution, even ones that are only a few decades old. By all rights, if THAT was the reason, I should be hating everything. They asked me, "Why can't you just forgive, you know?"
...That was another good point my friends had. Why CAN'T I? That is probably the single easiest thing to do to someone that you can't remember doing anything to you in the first place...
I was asking myself, but I was not getting any answers, at all... and then I started to wonder: When do I usually hide things from myself? When I feel guilty. When I feel extremely guilty. Certainly it's always a bad idea to just jump to conclusions, but all that was on the line was my respectability, and that, to me, cannot hold a candle to Personal Truth.
I dug deeper. I guess I never -really- believed that the fact that society killed a man 2000 years ago just because he thought we should be nice to eachother had any direct effect on MY LIFE. Of COURSE there are indirect effects: ancestors could've been forced to carry out the raising of closer ancestors by the following of Christianity or even specifically the Catholic sect of it. But honestly, Jesus DYING to sync all our 'sins' away and give us a fresh start ... It feels like a copout to me more than anything. And for that matter, I think a lot of extreme catholics KNOW that it's a copout, and THAT would be why there is so much make-yourself-miserable in Catholic tradition; They're doing penance for something they were told not to feel obligated to do penance for. But I never felt like it did me any good to sit in a church for hours a week. Sure, if it discernibly made me feel happier or gave me a better part of wisdom, maybe, but I'm a heck of a lot LESS wise than a lot of people who have never gone to church a day in their life.
All it boils down to is: I was being forced to eat something I did NOT like the taste of, and I was forced to do it for 17 years. "Oh, BOO HOO," a lot of people can feasibly say, "I've had to..." ...and then they'd go on for thirty minutes about their life, which was admittedly at least thirty times worse than mine; I doubt I would've survived two steps where they have walked and labored for decades. But all that means is... My boil-down, plus 400 penalties, I told Den-Mother in front of Alpha Female that the reason I've had so much animosity toward Catholicism is because...
"... I can't have my cake and eat it too; I'm too lazy to commit myself to what it demanded." --which was in fact not exactly the wording I was going for.
This, naturally, conjured in them a few minutes of disgust. Den-Mother lost so much respect for me that moment that it made her almost physically ill with upset. She had to take a walk with alpha-female where she could be calmed down.
... I know something else: Everybody tells me that I am too hard on myself. This is probably the case. Hindsight is 20/20, and there is something I meant -more- to say, but did not want to go too -easily- on myself (and thus amped it up to damage myself the most that I could... not smart... ugh...)
What I meant to say was:
I don't believe that Jesus Christ is my "lord" and "savior" any more than I would believe ANYTHING that would be so improbable AND have so remote an impact. It is my duty, it is my gods damned RIGHT, to have to respect my own decisions and face my own consequences, and though I'm very flattered by the offer given to me by a God who says "Hi! I can be your scapegoat!" ...I'd rather not.
What I DO believe is that I WANT TO FIND a faith for which I WOULD want to invest responsibility--even a LOT of responsibility, if it really fits me. I want to find a belief system that is true to who I am. I want to learn all the paths that I can and assemble my own theology from it. I will pick and choose a Pantheon to suit the virtues that I feel are necessary, because any other way would be a deceitful affront to the very concept of faith. I need an honest religeon.
If there is something I believe in... it is honor.
And I did get my just desert of agony then, when Alpha Female told me later that night that I'm not an honorable person. Well, hearing that, I certainly did not feel honorable... and I know I've not been acting very honorable... but these facts have been nagging on me, and even though I apparantly SUCK at it, I simply must refuse the assertion that I can't have anything to do with honor. I believe in it, it hurts me when I break it, I hope to find within me the capability to live up to it again as soon as I possibly can, and that's all there is to it.
So they have half directly, half inadvertently led me to several startling chunks of self-knowledge that they likely didn't even know they were going to:
1. I have nothing to hold against the catholic church except that I'm sorry I led it along for 17 years. I regret that I let my parents push me into a confirmation, and, I'm sorry, Jesus... It isn't you, it's me.
2. I can't stand the idea of being an atheist anymore and I am willing to find a home for my soul, finally.
3(a). This is kind of coming out of nowhere, but... I have no reason to be depressed, either! It came about as a metaphor with the catholic church. I was no longer looking for reasons to explain why I felt a certain way, but rather, I had begun searching for excuses to perpetuate my problems on. In the case of Catholicism, it was the perpetuation of Hatred--which is a bad trait for ANY REASON, and by NO MEANS should you ever let yourself be infected by it, if you can help it. In the case of my depression, it was the perpetuation of feeling sorry for myself and being a DRAMAKEG.
3(b). I'm living with the best IRL friends I've ever had; I should be fucking ELATED! :D And NOW, I AM!!!
4. I may very well not have one single solitary Planck-Scale measurement in any dimension of Supernatural in me at all... and I'm okay with that. Not everybody can wield spiritual energy like a limb of their own body. Not everybody can see spirits or colorful auras of psycho-emotional potential. Not everybody can pray to the spirits with honesty in their heart and know that something will come of it if it must... I'm not special, at least not in the ways that my dearest friends are, but that's just who I am; it's a quality that makes me "Me", and it wouldn't help anybody more than me if I were to somehow change, thus rendering the change dishonest... and I'm not cool with dishonesty right now.
4(b). Furthermore, It's likely that whatever I'd be pursuing IN THAT MANNER would feel mocked or even grievously insulted and disrespected. I do not have an ounce of disrespect. I have faith in my friends, and I know I can put faith in them, even if I have no business intruding on their ways of life with my Naiveness and patronizing misconceptions. If they think I need to know something... they'll tell me. And that's just fine.
5. A Non-Sequitor, stumbled-across by the musings on the previous issues while I was trying to figure them out:
A: "If I told you I was a compulsive liar, would you believe me?"
B: "Yes."
A: "Why?"
B: "Well you see, I'd be merely adopting a general distrust for you, which couldn't hurt anyone except the relations between the two of us, which would be entirely your fault because you admitted that you were a liar--and if you admitted to lying about that, you'd still be a liar, and I'd still win."
A: "... okay. Um. Just to clarify... I'm not a compulsive liar."
B: "Sure you're not."
...
Yes, I know, I know, "All Generalizations are False, including This one" --Mark Twain; not EVERY Matt is an asshole, but I've distinctly detected in Matt observations an otherwise inexplicable tendency to be assholes. And here's something to consider: I am absolutely SURE that I am an asshole deep down in my heart--not just the regular everyday "Everybody's an asshole, really"--I mean that if I did not clamp down on myself with an IRON FIST, I would, daily, be making the lives of the people around me 75% WORSE, AT LEAST.
But you see, that's what makes it worthwhile to me... that I care enough to attempt to make a difference, even if it doesn't always work out. It's not dishonesty to self (I know I'm a jerk, and I admit that I'm a jerk); it is merely that it is within my capability to make a more positive (or at least less negative) impact on the experiences of those around me, and if you can't accept any reason for me to do it other than a selfish one, I'll GIVE YOU a selfish one: it makes me feel good. When I make someone's day, it makes MY day. And when I've had my day 'made' and I feel great, EVERYBODY has a much better time! It's like a good mood grants me a +12 ability modifier to my otherwise quite unfortunate charisma. When I feel good, and I wing it, life only gets better. If I feel bad, though, PLOOM! Everything bombs straight to shit. I've witnessed this. It's interesting to watch.
Lately though, especially the past few days, I've been slowly, excruciatingly climbing a ladder, attempting to shovel my way out of this shit hole mood, and it has been the very definition of arduous. If you've never been depressed, it isn't POSSIBLE to have it adequately explained to you just how badly it affects every corner of your life. The internal feelings of uselessness add up to a constant emotional, mental, and PHYSICAL fatigue. My arms were feeling like they were made of lead. The universe weighed on my shoulders and dragged at my every step. But now... it's almost gone. So close, soooo close....
See, what I did lately was... confess to something. I don't really know whether or not it's true, but... it is about something I have been doing for quite a long time.
For a while, I was extremely disdainful of the catholic church. Whenever a discussion about religion ensued, I plied my every fiber of focus toward tearing down Christianity... In every subtle reference I made to do with philosophy or theology, christianity was to blame. And living with the people that I used to live with didn't help this problem any, at all... In fact, staunch atheists that they were, I felt attacked whenever I made note of even the small bits of belief that I DID have at the time. Eventually, I made a rather large mistake; I shut spirituality out of my life.
Now, there's something really special about my new roommates. They know that a personal journey is, after all, a personal journey. They are extremely spiritual, somewhat occult, and even themselves supernatural... very well-developed in the realms of spirituality. Naturally, I attempted to piggyback, and was met with resistance that I didn't expect. That's fine, though, because that's when I realized, this was the personal part of the personal journey. In a fell swoop they pointed out to me a large chunk of hypocrisy I'd been crippling myself with; which I have subsequently taken head on and work on even as we speak.
But you see, we had many discussions about faiths, and it eventually came to the point where they had to ask me, "What IS IT with you and Christianity? What did it ever, EVER do to YOU, PERSONALLY?"
... That stopped me dead in my tracks.
Well, what DID it do? DID it do anything? I was surely angry at the hypocrisy involved, the corruption, the greed--but that happens with EVERY large-scale institution, even ones that are only a few decades old. By all rights, if THAT was the reason, I should be hating everything. They asked me, "Why can't you just forgive, you know?"
...That was another good point my friends had. Why CAN'T I? That is probably the single easiest thing to do to someone that you can't remember doing anything to you in the first place...
I was asking myself, but I was not getting any answers, at all... and then I started to wonder: When do I usually hide things from myself? When I feel guilty. When I feel extremely guilty. Certainly it's always a bad idea to just jump to conclusions, but all that was on the line was my respectability, and that, to me, cannot hold a candle to Personal Truth.
I dug deeper. I guess I never -really- believed that the fact that society killed a man 2000 years ago just because he thought we should be nice to eachother had any direct effect on MY LIFE. Of COURSE there are indirect effects: ancestors could've been forced to carry out the raising of closer ancestors by the following of Christianity or even specifically the Catholic sect of it. But honestly, Jesus DYING to sync all our 'sins' away and give us a fresh start ... It feels like a copout to me more than anything. And for that matter, I think a lot of extreme catholics KNOW that it's a copout, and THAT would be why there is so much make-yourself-miserable in Catholic tradition; They're doing penance for something they were told not to feel obligated to do penance for. But I never felt like it did me any good to sit in a church for hours a week. Sure, if it discernibly made me feel happier or gave me a better part of wisdom, maybe, but I'm a heck of a lot LESS wise than a lot of people who have never gone to church a day in their life.
All it boils down to is: I was being forced to eat something I did NOT like the taste of, and I was forced to do it for 17 years. "Oh, BOO HOO," a lot of people can feasibly say, "I've had to..." ...and then they'd go on for thirty minutes about their life, which was admittedly at least thirty times worse than mine; I doubt I would've survived two steps where they have walked and labored for decades. But all that means is... My boil-down, plus 400 penalties, I told Den-Mother in front of Alpha Female that the reason I've had so much animosity toward Catholicism is because...
"... I can't have my cake and eat it too; I'm too lazy to commit myself to what it demanded." --which was in fact not exactly the wording I was going for.
This, naturally, conjured in them a few minutes of disgust. Den-Mother lost so much respect for me that moment that it made her almost physically ill with upset. She had to take a walk with alpha-female where she could be calmed down.
... I know something else: Everybody tells me that I am too hard on myself. This is probably the case. Hindsight is 20/20, and there is something I meant -more- to say, but did not want to go too -easily- on myself (and thus amped it up to damage myself the most that I could... not smart... ugh...)
What I meant to say was:
I don't believe that Jesus Christ is my "lord" and "savior" any more than I would believe ANYTHING that would be so improbable AND have so remote an impact. It is my duty, it is my gods damned RIGHT, to have to respect my own decisions and face my own consequences, and though I'm very flattered by the offer given to me by a God who says "Hi! I can be your scapegoat!" ...I'd rather not.
What I DO believe is that I WANT TO FIND a faith for which I WOULD want to invest responsibility--even a LOT of responsibility, if it really fits me. I want to find a belief system that is true to who I am. I want to learn all the paths that I can and assemble my own theology from it. I will pick and choose a Pantheon to suit the virtues that I feel are necessary, because any other way would be a deceitful affront to the very concept of faith. I need an honest religeon.
If there is something I believe in... it is honor.
And I did get my just desert of agony then, when Alpha Female told me later that night that I'm not an honorable person. Well, hearing that, I certainly did not feel honorable... and I know I've not been acting very honorable... but these facts have been nagging on me, and even though I apparantly SUCK at it, I simply must refuse the assertion that I can't have anything to do with honor. I believe in it, it hurts me when I break it, I hope to find within me the capability to live up to it again as soon as I possibly can, and that's all there is to it.
So they have half directly, half inadvertently led me to several startling chunks of self-knowledge that they likely didn't even know they were going to:
1. I have nothing to hold against the catholic church except that I'm sorry I led it along for 17 years. I regret that I let my parents push me into a confirmation, and, I'm sorry, Jesus... It isn't you, it's me.
2. I can't stand the idea of being an atheist anymore and I am willing to find a home for my soul, finally.
3(a). This is kind of coming out of nowhere, but... I have no reason to be depressed, either! It came about as a metaphor with the catholic church. I was no longer looking for reasons to explain why I felt a certain way, but rather, I had begun searching for excuses to perpetuate my problems on. In the case of Catholicism, it was the perpetuation of Hatred--which is a bad trait for ANY REASON, and by NO MEANS should you ever let yourself be infected by it, if you can help it. In the case of my depression, it was the perpetuation of feeling sorry for myself and being a DRAMAKEG.
3(b). I'm living with the best IRL friends I've ever had; I should be fucking ELATED! :D And NOW, I AM!!!
4. I may very well not have one single solitary Planck-Scale measurement in any dimension of Supernatural in me at all... and I'm okay with that. Not everybody can wield spiritual energy like a limb of their own body. Not everybody can see spirits or colorful auras of psycho-emotional potential. Not everybody can pray to the spirits with honesty in their heart and know that something will come of it if it must... I'm not special, at least not in the ways that my dearest friends are, but that's just who I am; it's a quality that makes me "Me", and it wouldn't help anybody more than me if I were to somehow change, thus rendering the change dishonest... and I'm not cool with dishonesty right now.
4(b). Furthermore, It's likely that whatever I'd be pursuing IN THAT MANNER would feel mocked or even grievously insulted and disrespected. I do not have an ounce of disrespect. I have faith in my friends, and I know I can put faith in them, even if I have no business intruding on their ways of life with my Naiveness and patronizing misconceptions. If they think I need to know something... they'll tell me. And that's just fine.
5. A Non-Sequitor, stumbled-across by the musings on the previous issues while I was trying to figure them out:
A: "If I told you I was a compulsive liar, would you believe me?"
B: "Yes."
A: "Why?"
B: "Well you see, I'd be merely adopting a general distrust for you, which couldn't hurt anyone except the relations between the two of us, which would be entirely your fault because you admitted that you were a liar--and if you admitted to lying about that, you'd still be a liar, and I'd still win."
A: "... okay. Um. Just to clarify... I'm not a compulsive liar."
B: "Sure you're not."
Epiphany
General | Posted 18 years agoI think a few things about my life ought to be fleshed out to you. I've used some names in my previous posts that I believe I ought not to have... So, right now... It'd be quite a bit more pertinent to assign names by role, and not attach the 'name'-names to the Role names for the sake of privacy, or whatever privacy may be retained.
There are four people in my household right now, including me, and a heck of a lot more matching my tastes; RPers--tabletop, pencil and paper dice-rollers; furries, and not just because of a fair-weather preference; spiritual, in their own self-chosen ways, and in a more open-minded state than I'd seen in anyone else before; talented, artistically and socially. writers and artists, and by god I SO want to see what they can do with music :p I bet there's -something- I can dig up in there! Also... well, a few more things that nobody needs to know, but I'm proud of them for anyways.
Den-Mother cooks for us all and busies about tidily, she runs and owns the kitchen, at least as far as I'm concerned, and doesn't like to take out the garbage--which is, in my opinion, an adorable quirk that suits her personality Just So. It's something That Is, which does not require explanation, but feels like it ought to be, so I don't question it. I am happy to take out the garbage with a smile and a wave.
(...K-san, I know that you were a Den-Mother to me first, and I will never be capable of even conceiving the idea of someone replacing you outright. It is only that I am not in your den, but this one, today... I hope you can forgive me...)
Den-Mother's cooking is AWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOME and she cooks new things all the time, so much variety, so much artistry--I could cry! Her mighty wooden spoon is not to be questioned!! I have also enjoyed many a deep conversation with her... she seems to enjoy examining me, and somehow... it comforts me.
Alpha Female runs the logistics of the pack outside of Food (which is Den-Mother's lot), including den upkeep coordination, scheduling and planning, keeping track of pack finances, and overall keeping me out of a pit of repulsive self-pity. There is no one I have ever met before who can snap me out of my emo spells faster than She can. High school coaches don't know one damned thing about Tough Love. She could make Doctor Phil shit his pants and make him thank her for it. She's THAT GOOD. I'm telling you.
Also, she is an AMAZING GM/DM/Storyteller. The RP club I knew at HCC didn't have the slightest damned clue about Gaming next to anyone else in this entire Pack, let alone our matriarch.
(Again... Exclusion for You, K-san, and your husband. I wish he could've swooped in to HCCRPC's rescue, but the more I see, the more I begin to feel that it was beyond hope...)
Alpha Female, strangely, looks a lot like Sara from HCCRPC O.o maybe if she dyed her hair blue... that'd look SO awesome :D
Alpha's Mate is also a pretty danged spiffy GM/DM/ST, and still beats Mike of the HCCRPC--though ironically enough, looks a LOT like him!! Picture Mike, strip off the jading, lighten his voice, and make him friendly, and you'd have Alpha's Mate. Alpha's Mate is just an adorable guy. Sometimes I wanna give him a hug ^^ especially when he gets all hurt and whiny. Yes, I'm teasing him a little... but you must understand I love him like a brother, or at LEAST a cousin. He's also a writer.
Our pack extends outside the den, though... Taxifox is, according to Alpha Female, a kappa. I have yet to be assigned a rank, but according to Alpha Female, I'm not an Omega >_> I always thought I fit the omega personality, but It may be that I contribute too much assistance to be an omega.
...Moving along....
Fennec stopped by my work last night to keep me company for a while, and my boss gave me a warning talk about having friends there for too long. He brought someone else with him... I wish I could remember their name; I'm horrible with names... he seemed pretty cool, though. After I got talked-to, I had hit an alltime new low...
I feel so useless at that place...
I began to adopt a feverish, frenzied approach to my activity, and due to my impatience, cut myself twice accidentally with my boxcutter. Extremely minor, superficial inconveniences. It just kind of burns right now, is all...
I was again on my way downhill, when suddenly it came out of my mouth:
"This is what I get. This is my punishment. This job is my hell, and I have to take it like I deserve it."
...which, suddenly, seemed to make a puzzle piece fall into place. Is that why I feel so much like shit? I knew the problem was within me, but now this points to a very specific 'where' within me... Am I punishing myself because I feel like I DESERVE to feel like shit?
...
It's compelling.
Alpha Female ran into me in the breakroom, as I'd neglected to take my break until 6, when she arrives for work herself, and I half-broke down in front of her before she shut me up with a clear-cut, blunt, and face-poundingly obvious alternative: I could get a job at that taco bell across the street, "but you KNOW it would be way worse than this..."
...and then it was the second realization today.
Do I have the fucking TIME to punish myself? More people are depending on me than just me, now! I OWE it TO THEM, if not myself, to do better! I don't have the resources to get my automasochistic jollies. I don't DESERVE the PRIVILEGE of shame and guilt right now! It will have to WAIT.
As pointless and broken as I feel, I'll just have to swallow it as part of my 'penance' that I can't satisfy my need for personally inflicted agony right now, which is an agony all its own that may do the trick even bettter than usual. I hate feeling like I'm copping out... but right now it's a matter of two evils, between which I have no CHOICE but the lesser thereof.
... I have to update my resume.
There are four people in my household right now, including me, and a heck of a lot more matching my tastes; RPers--tabletop, pencil and paper dice-rollers; furries, and not just because of a fair-weather preference; spiritual, in their own self-chosen ways, and in a more open-minded state than I'd seen in anyone else before; talented, artistically and socially. writers and artists, and by god I SO want to see what they can do with music :p I bet there's -something- I can dig up in there! Also... well, a few more things that nobody needs to know, but I'm proud of them for anyways.
Den-Mother cooks for us all and busies about tidily, she runs and owns the kitchen, at least as far as I'm concerned, and doesn't like to take out the garbage--which is, in my opinion, an adorable quirk that suits her personality Just So. It's something That Is, which does not require explanation, but feels like it ought to be, so I don't question it. I am happy to take out the garbage with a smile and a wave.
(...K-san, I know that you were a Den-Mother to me first, and I will never be capable of even conceiving the idea of someone replacing you outright. It is only that I am not in your den, but this one, today... I hope you can forgive me...)
Den-Mother's cooking is AWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOME and she cooks new things all the time, so much variety, so much artistry--I could cry! Her mighty wooden spoon is not to be questioned!! I have also enjoyed many a deep conversation with her... she seems to enjoy examining me, and somehow... it comforts me.
Alpha Female runs the logistics of the pack outside of Food (which is Den-Mother's lot), including den upkeep coordination, scheduling and planning, keeping track of pack finances, and overall keeping me out of a pit of repulsive self-pity. There is no one I have ever met before who can snap me out of my emo spells faster than She can. High school coaches don't know one damned thing about Tough Love. She could make Doctor Phil shit his pants and make him thank her for it. She's THAT GOOD. I'm telling you.
Also, she is an AMAZING GM/DM/Storyteller. The RP club I knew at HCC didn't have the slightest damned clue about Gaming next to anyone else in this entire Pack, let alone our matriarch.
(Again... Exclusion for You, K-san, and your husband. I wish he could've swooped in to HCCRPC's rescue, but the more I see, the more I begin to feel that it was beyond hope...)
Alpha Female, strangely, looks a lot like Sara from HCCRPC O.o maybe if she dyed her hair blue... that'd look SO awesome :D
Alpha's Mate is also a pretty danged spiffy GM/DM/ST, and still beats Mike of the HCCRPC--though ironically enough, looks a LOT like him!! Picture Mike, strip off the jading, lighten his voice, and make him friendly, and you'd have Alpha's Mate. Alpha's Mate is just an adorable guy. Sometimes I wanna give him a hug ^^ especially when he gets all hurt and whiny. Yes, I'm teasing him a little... but you must understand I love him like a brother, or at LEAST a cousin. He's also a writer.
Our pack extends outside the den, though... Taxifox is, according to Alpha Female, a kappa. I have yet to be assigned a rank, but according to Alpha Female, I'm not an Omega >_> I always thought I fit the omega personality, but It may be that I contribute too much assistance to be an omega.
...Moving along....
Fennec stopped by my work last night to keep me company for a while, and my boss gave me a warning talk about having friends there for too long. He brought someone else with him... I wish I could remember their name; I'm horrible with names... he seemed pretty cool, though. After I got talked-to, I had hit an alltime new low...
I feel so useless at that place...
I began to adopt a feverish, frenzied approach to my activity, and due to my impatience, cut myself twice accidentally with my boxcutter. Extremely minor, superficial inconveniences. It just kind of burns right now, is all...
I was again on my way downhill, when suddenly it came out of my mouth:
"This is what I get. This is my punishment. This job is my hell, and I have to take it like I deserve it."
...which, suddenly, seemed to make a puzzle piece fall into place. Is that why I feel so much like shit? I knew the problem was within me, but now this points to a very specific 'where' within me... Am I punishing myself because I feel like I DESERVE to feel like shit?
...
It's compelling.
Alpha Female ran into me in the breakroom, as I'd neglected to take my break until 6, when she arrives for work herself, and I half-broke down in front of her before she shut me up with a clear-cut, blunt, and face-poundingly obvious alternative: I could get a job at that taco bell across the street, "but you KNOW it would be way worse than this..."
...and then it was the second realization today.
Do I have the fucking TIME to punish myself? More people are depending on me than just me, now! I OWE it TO THEM, if not myself, to do better! I don't have the resources to get my automasochistic jollies. I don't DESERVE the PRIVILEGE of shame and guilt right now! It will have to WAIT.
As pointless and broken as I feel, I'll just have to swallow it as part of my 'penance' that I can't satisfy my need for personally inflicted agony right now, which is an agony all its own that may do the trick even bettter than usual. I hate feeling like I'm copping out... but right now it's a matter of two evils, between which I have no CHOICE but the lesser thereof.
... I have to update my resume.
Just thought it needed to be said.
General | Posted 18 years agoI pledge Defiance against the Arrogance
of the Corporate Fascist Police State of America,
AND against the Double-Standards on which it thrives;
One massive tangle of self-defeating Bureaucracies,
Abusing its "God", Partisanship-Divided,
with Hypocrisy and Avarice toward all.
But then again, it hardly DOES need to be said, does it?
Don't give me that 'love it or leave it' bullshit. I don't need brainwashed sheep telling me what to do with the freedom of speech that, not only members of MY FAMILY and some of MY FRIENDS died for, but is currently being threatened even on this very day by a bunch of gray-faced soulless greedy warmongers locked in a dusty room with nothing but their perverse fantasies of power that NO ONE in their right mind should want ANYONE to have.
Unfortunately, this is NOT a democracy and we are NOT free. NOTHING we "own" is ours, especially not the MONEY. That One "Dollar" Federal Reserve Note in your wallet doesn't belong to you. IT BELONGS TO THE FEDERAL RESERVE, YOU ARE BORROWING IT, and they are charging interest.
--Unless of course you go by the rules of Nature, by which "it is mine if I can stop you from taking it from me", which is why I go through this VERY PHASE which you are witnessing THIS SECOND, wherein I want to arm myself AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE. When it comes down to it, the only question you have to ask yourself is, "Are they willing to kill me for disagreeing with them?". One look at today's nuttier republicans and you know they're just fucked up enough to decide that you aren't 'American' enough for them, which OBVIOUSLY gives them the right to go all Fascist Despot and deprive anybody they damned well please of basic liberties.
I could puke.
That is all.
of the Corporate Fascist Police State of America,
AND against the Double-Standards on which it thrives;
One massive tangle of self-defeating Bureaucracies,
Abusing its "God", Partisanship-Divided,
with Hypocrisy and Avarice toward all.
But then again, it hardly DOES need to be said, does it?
Don't give me that 'love it or leave it' bullshit. I don't need brainwashed sheep telling me what to do with the freedom of speech that, not only members of MY FAMILY and some of MY FRIENDS died for, but is currently being threatened even on this very day by a bunch of gray-faced soulless greedy warmongers locked in a dusty room with nothing but their perverse fantasies of power that NO ONE in their right mind should want ANYONE to have.
Unfortunately, this is NOT a democracy and we are NOT free. NOTHING we "own" is ours, especially not the MONEY. That One "Dollar" Federal Reserve Note in your wallet doesn't belong to you. IT BELONGS TO THE FEDERAL RESERVE, YOU ARE BORROWING IT, and they are charging interest.
--Unless of course you go by the rules of Nature, by which "it is mine if I can stop you from taking it from me", which is why I go through this VERY PHASE which you are witnessing THIS SECOND, wherein I want to arm myself AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE. When it comes down to it, the only question you have to ask yourself is, "Are they willing to kill me for disagreeing with them?". One look at today's nuttier republicans and you know they're just fucked up enough to decide that you aren't 'American' enough for them, which OBVIOUSLY gives them the right to go all Fascist Despot and deprive anybody they damned well please of basic liberties.
I could puke.
That is all.
Lemonade
General | Posted 18 years agoIf only life would give me actual lemons rather than the recent fare of grenades sans pins. If only you could make pineapple juice from the exploding variety. Oh well.
No, things aren't particularly worse, but I'm still trying to come to terms with what I've done. To myself. The numbers keep running in my head, about how much money I won't be making... How much fun I won't be having. How worthwhile I won't get to feel again for a long time. But then I realized something...
I'm.. one... lucky bastard. If you don't understand, I'll just explain:
I have never slept on a sidewalk.
I have never NEEDED to eat Alpo.
I have NEVER been shunned by my family.
I have never even ONCE had my beliefs or choices 'persecuted' by my own parents...
In fact, let me tell you about my parents:
My mother, bless her heart, is a jaded, insecure worrywart, but only because she cares more than she knows what to do with herself. She has been through rougher spots than I may ever be. And though she only knows her own simple, catholic values, I know for a fact that she'll never turn her back on me if I tell her "oh, hey mom! guess what! I'm going to go sacrifice a GOAT tonight at the stroke of 12 and pray to SATAN!" --Even if it will make her REALLY nervous and PRETTY creeped-out.
She always jumps to the worst conclusions, identifying half-empty glasses wherever they may lurk--but not just so she can say they're half-empty and lament, but to FILL them. Even IF she'll assume that my friends are pot-smoking alcohol-swilling acid-dropping bank-robbing heathens (until she meets them), she will neither a) disapprove of my association with them nor b) turn down a chance to get to know them and dispel her fears.
My father is a quiet, sly, but well-meaning retired joker. He was a 'punk', a 'troublemaker' in his day, having been demoted to a Cook (from a reactor operator on a submarine) in the navy once they caught him smoking something--well, heheh, that's enough of that. He has the STRANGEST and most FASCINATING sense of humor.
He navigates extended cable television with a level of practiced mastery one might sooner expect out of a Shao-Lin monk. If it's good, and it's on TV, he'll have it archived on one unit in his fleet of VCRs. That may not sound very respectful, but I tell you, I feel it IS, because he took the family-shattering silence of prime-time programming and turned it into a household event. He made The Networks' Shows into Our Shows. It's not a very clear distinction until you witness it. Maybe no one will understand, but I am the only person that needed to.
Both of my parents, when I was little and growing up, never let it rest at 'because I said so'. They always took painstaking time to explain to me WHY they made the decisions they did. Of course at the time I'd still think it was not fair, and I STILL regret that I always had food on my plate instead of the newest, coolest video game systems (as I ended up turning into a deprived, game-obsessed fat kid, hehehe!) BUT, later on, I could reach back into that understanding and catch on to things a lot more easily than most kids at the time.
Both of my parents, even today, continue to encourage me to make my own choices and arrive at my own conclusions, even if they'd RATHER I do it their way--they just don't let that restrict me. They were sad to see me move out, of my own volition, almost EXACTLY ONE YEAR AGO AS OF NOW!
When I was starting high school, my parents fought TOOTH AND NAIL to make sure that they didn't just stick me in those sub-human "Special Education" classes. They went well out of their way to clear the path for me into the Vocational program, rather than the academic, where I learned about Computer Aided Drafting, the field of work that I love and aspire to get BACK into as soon as I can shake of the failure of my recent debacle.
I didn't understand why homework was so important back then, nor chores, but as always, hindsight is 20/20, and I can tell you right now: I wish I paid more attention to my parents than I did. I eventually learned they only wanted to make me do chores (which they would PAY me for!) so they would have an excuse to give me money.
...and they weren't even mad when I dropped out of college. They just told me that my choices were my own--even IF it was their personal opinion (and they made sure I knew it was their OPINION, not something they claimed was an objective fact) that not continuing school was a mistake. Even if I still disagree, I'll always be thankful that they gave me a choice and didn't force an ultimatum down my throat.
I am the only person I really, -really- know with parents that awesome... It kind of makes me feel guilty :
Now, back to lucky:
I ended up getting my DREAM JOB, if only for a month, only because I WAS LUCKY. It was a FLUKE to get it, and little more! And I realize, my luck is only ON when I really don't give a shit but I 'try' for the hell of it, for shits and giggles--that's why I did ANYTHING that was really profound in the past six months!
I am CURSED and maybe BLESSED that I AM NOT ALLOWED to take life seriously. Whenever I DO, it just hurts me more! Whenever I DID give a shit, all it did was generate drama and pain! So this is the formula for success in my life:
1) Try. For fun.
2) Don't give a shit.
NOW, furthermore--yes there IS a furthermore of sorts, believe it or not...
I am continuously struck by how miserable we humans make ourselves. If I REALLY wanted to, I could flip a switch and be happy. Why do I punish myself for not being miserable like the NORMS? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, they have 'careers', doing things they HATE. They take years of EXPENSIVE TRAINING to do what they do to get by--but my Computer Aided Drafting is INSTINCTUAL to me, and it is verified TRUTH that I can do it just as well as anybody who has gone to college for eight DAMNED years for it!
So, you know what? I just MIGHT decide that this whole 'accountability' jive just ain't my thing. Whatever will be will be, right? And I know exactly what the worst that could happen IS, and it's not that bad, especially if I can just decide to enjoy the view. As long as I'm not hurting anybody, why should I worry?
These are good questions I'm going to have to meditate on. I just have an emotional masochism phase to get through, but it'll end, I'll get bored, I always do :p
but aside from seeing the Carefree light at the end of the tunnel, I noticed another thing, too. It's probably smaller, in the perspective of those who do not see through my eyes... but for me, it is an anchor. a foundation. a rock of unshakable stability. If I feel like shit, there is infinite solace in that I have made a positive impact on the life of a very important person to me. A very, VERY important person to me... I don't need a future hope of a relationship even; just knowing that I was there at all (and it was good) is more than I have ever needed all along.
Hmmmyes. I think my arsenal is well-stocked. I think I'm going to rest, for now. We'll see what I do. I'm sure it will be entertaining ~_^
<3
No, things aren't particularly worse, but I'm still trying to come to terms with what I've done. To myself. The numbers keep running in my head, about how much money I won't be making... How much fun I won't be having. How worthwhile I won't get to feel again for a long time. But then I realized something...
I'm.. one... lucky bastard. If you don't understand, I'll just explain:
I have never slept on a sidewalk.
I have never NEEDED to eat Alpo.
I have NEVER been shunned by my family.
I have never even ONCE had my beliefs or choices 'persecuted' by my own parents...
In fact, let me tell you about my parents:
My mother, bless her heart, is a jaded, insecure worrywart, but only because she cares more than she knows what to do with herself. She has been through rougher spots than I may ever be. And though she only knows her own simple, catholic values, I know for a fact that she'll never turn her back on me if I tell her "oh, hey mom! guess what! I'm going to go sacrifice a GOAT tonight at the stroke of 12 and pray to SATAN!" --Even if it will make her REALLY nervous and PRETTY creeped-out.
She always jumps to the worst conclusions, identifying half-empty glasses wherever they may lurk--but not just so she can say they're half-empty and lament, but to FILL them. Even IF she'll assume that my friends are pot-smoking alcohol-swilling acid-dropping bank-robbing heathens (until she meets them), she will neither a) disapprove of my association with them nor b) turn down a chance to get to know them and dispel her fears.
My father is a quiet, sly, but well-meaning retired joker. He was a 'punk', a 'troublemaker' in his day, having been demoted to a Cook (from a reactor operator on a submarine) in the navy once they caught him smoking something--well, heheh, that's enough of that. He has the STRANGEST and most FASCINATING sense of humor.
He navigates extended cable television with a level of practiced mastery one might sooner expect out of a Shao-Lin monk. If it's good, and it's on TV, he'll have it archived on one unit in his fleet of VCRs. That may not sound very respectful, but I tell you, I feel it IS, because he took the family-shattering silence of prime-time programming and turned it into a household event. He made The Networks' Shows into Our Shows. It's not a very clear distinction until you witness it. Maybe no one will understand, but I am the only person that needed to.
Both of my parents, when I was little and growing up, never let it rest at 'because I said so'. They always took painstaking time to explain to me WHY they made the decisions they did. Of course at the time I'd still think it was not fair, and I STILL regret that I always had food on my plate instead of the newest, coolest video game systems (as I ended up turning into a deprived, game-obsessed fat kid, hehehe!) BUT, later on, I could reach back into that understanding and catch on to things a lot more easily than most kids at the time.
Both of my parents, even today, continue to encourage me to make my own choices and arrive at my own conclusions, even if they'd RATHER I do it their way--they just don't let that restrict me. They were sad to see me move out, of my own volition, almost EXACTLY ONE YEAR AGO AS OF NOW!
When I was starting high school, my parents fought TOOTH AND NAIL to make sure that they didn't just stick me in those sub-human "Special Education" classes. They went well out of their way to clear the path for me into the Vocational program, rather than the academic, where I learned about Computer Aided Drafting, the field of work that I love and aspire to get BACK into as soon as I can shake of the failure of my recent debacle.
I didn't understand why homework was so important back then, nor chores, but as always, hindsight is 20/20, and I can tell you right now: I wish I paid more attention to my parents than I did. I eventually learned they only wanted to make me do chores (which they would PAY me for!) so they would have an excuse to give me money.
...and they weren't even mad when I dropped out of college. They just told me that my choices were my own--even IF it was their personal opinion (and they made sure I knew it was their OPINION, not something they claimed was an objective fact) that not continuing school was a mistake. Even if I still disagree, I'll always be thankful that they gave me a choice and didn't force an ultimatum down my throat.
I am the only person I really, -really- know with parents that awesome... It kind of makes me feel guilty :
Now, back to lucky:
I ended up getting my DREAM JOB, if only for a month, only because I WAS LUCKY. It was a FLUKE to get it, and little more! And I realize, my luck is only ON when I really don't give a shit but I 'try' for the hell of it, for shits and giggles--that's why I did ANYTHING that was really profound in the past six months!
I am CURSED and maybe BLESSED that I AM NOT ALLOWED to take life seriously. Whenever I DO, it just hurts me more! Whenever I DID give a shit, all it did was generate drama and pain! So this is the formula for success in my life:
1) Try. For fun.
2) Don't give a shit.
NOW, furthermore--yes there IS a furthermore of sorts, believe it or not...
I am continuously struck by how miserable we humans make ourselves. If I REALLY wanted to, I could flip a switch and be happy. Why do I punish myself for not being miserable like the NORMS? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, they have 'careers', doing things they HATE. They take years of EXPENSIVE TRAINING to do what they do to get by--but my Computer Aided Drafting is INSTINCTUAL to me, and it is verified TRUTH that I can do it just as well as anybody who has gone to college for eight DAMNED years for it!
So, you know what? I just MIGHT decide that this whole 'accountability' jive just ain't my thing. Whatever will be will be, right? And I know exactly what the worst that could happen IS, and it's not that bad, especially if I can just decide to enjoy the view. As long as I'm not hurting anybody, why should I worry?
These are good questions I'm going to have to meditate on. I just have an emotional masochism phase to get through, but it'll end, I'll get bored, I always do :p
but aside from seeing the Carefree light at the end of the tunnel, I noticed another thing, too. It's probably smaller, in the perspective of those who do not see through my eyes... but for me, it is an anchor. a foundation. a rock of unshakable stability. If I feel like shit, there is infinite solace in that I have made a positive impact on the life of a very important person to me. A very, VERY important person to me... I don't need a future hope of a relationship even; just knowing that I was there at all (and it was good) is more than I have ever needed all along.
Hmmmyes. I think my arsenal is well-stocked. I think I'm going to rest, for now. We'll see what I do. I'm sure it will be entertaining ~_^
<3
Spreading the Good News
General | Posted 18 years agoas quoth from 
maus_merryjest,
as of May 15th, 2007
Jerry Severe Fundamentalist Baptist Minister "Queers Caused 9/11" Fawell passed away today at the age of 73.
(Direct quote: ""I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America," he said. "I point the finger in their face and say 'You helped this happen.'")
Falwell was found unconscious and without a pulse in his office at Liberty University, the college he founded in Lynchburg, Virginia, said Ron Godwin, the school's executive vice president. Since he had never had a heart to begin with, it took them a little while to actually determine that he was dead.
One week before his death, Falwell told CNN's Christiane Amanpour he needed at least 20 more years to accomplish his vision for Liberty University. Falwell told the story of Hezekiah, who in the Bible asked to live for 15 more years. "I want to see the nation return to the Judeo-Christian ethic," he said.
I guess this means "Transaction Denied"
An epistemological blight, a cruel, horrible, horrid man has been wiped from the earth by the natural process of death. He is no longer alive to spew vitriol and hatred on others .
What took him so long?
I feel horrible.
I really do, because, deep down inside...
I AM SCREAMING BOOYAH, MOTHAFUCKAH! BOOYAH!! IN YOUR -FACE- YOU UPTIGHT HYPOCRITICAL HATE-MONGERING FUCKSTICK! HAVE FUN IN HELL YOU WORTHLESS MISERABLE BAG OF INEXCUSABLE -SHIT-!!!
...*ahem*.
HAY GAIS I HAEVS AN IDEA!! LETS GO PICKET HIS FUNERAL LOL
Actually I -wish- I could, for just one day, have standards as low as this dead motherfucker's just so I can enact some righteous indignation and defile his every hope of an afterlife with some good old-fashioned corpse desecration. But unfortunately I -still- have too much tact to do it even if I do oh-so-vehemently wish someone would.
I feel as if all the hatred that died with him has left a vaccuum, and all of the misery he spread out all over the world wants to cave back in upon him, as if the dead sea, forced open, decided to crash back down upon an unworthy moses impersonator. Or something like that :
but here it comes... the guilt. Yes. I am glad he can't spread his damage anymore, but even if he chose to devalue his humanity so much, he was still a human being, and now he's dead. There must've been a point when he didn't find so much joy in his evils against others, but that kind, rational person was dead long ago, as well. In all honesty, I think I will mourn that we could not save him from himself.
'cos if there were a hell, he'd probably be there right now, and I don't mean that in a funny way. I've had my fun with this post, and now it's time for me to say... may God, the Gods, the fates, the powers, the universal will, the sanctity of existence its very self, have mercy on whatever kind of soul he might have had left... I would much rather see him enlightened to the ways of peace and harmony rather than suffering eternal punishment for something he doesn't even understand :(
(That was healthy... joy, to hate, to sorrow, to pity; I think that's where this cycle of emotion completes.)
maus_merryjest,as of May 15th, 2007
Jerry Severe Fundamentalist Baptist Minister "Queers Caused 9/11" Fawell passed away today at the age of 73.
(Direct quote: ""I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America," he said. "I point the finger in their face and say 'You helped this happen.'")
Falwell was found unconscious and without a pulse in his office at Liberty University, the college he founded in Lynchburg, Virginia, said Ron Godwin, the school's executive vice president. Since he had never had a heart to begin with, it took them a little while to actually determine that he was dead.
One week before his death, Falwell told CNN's Christiane Amanpour he needed at least 20 more years to accomplish his vision for Liberty University. Falwell told the story of Hezekiah, who in the Bible asked to live for 15 more years. "I want to see the nation return to the Judeo-Christian ethic," he said.
I guess this means "Transaction Denied"
An epistemological blight, a cruel, horrible, horrid man has been wiped from the earth by the natural process of death. He is no longer alive to spew vitriol and hatred on others .
What took him so long?
I feel horrible.
I really do, because, deep down inside...
I AM SCREAMING BOOYAH, MOTHAFUCKAH! BOOYAH!! IN YOUR -FACE- YOU UPTIGHT HYPOCRITICAL HATE-MONGERING FUCKSTICK! HAVE FUN IN HELL YOU WORTHLESS MISERABLE BAG OF INEXCUSABLE -SHIT-!!!
...*ahem*.
HAY GAIS I HAEVS AN IDEA!! LETS GO PICKET HIS FUNERAL LOL
Actually I -wish- I could, for just one day, have standards as low as this dead motherfucker's just so I can enact some righteous indignation and defile his every hope of an afterlife with some good old-fashioned corpse desecration. But unfortunately I -still- have too much tact to do it even if I do oh-so-vehemently wish someone would.
I feel as if all the hatred that died with him has left a vaccuum, and all of the misery he spread out all over the world wants to cave back in upon him, as if the dead sea, forced open, decided to crash back down upon an unworthy moses impersonator. Or something like that :
but here it comes... the guilt. Yes. I am glad he can't spread his damage anymore, but even if he chose to devalue his humanity so much, he was still a human being, and now he's dead. There must've been a point when he didn't find so much joy in his evils against others, but that kind, rational person was dead long ago, as well. In all honesty, I think I will mourn that we could not save him from himself.
'cos if there were a hell, he'd probably be there right now, and I don't mean that in a funny way. I've had my fun with this post, and now it's time for me to say... may God, the Gods, the fates, the powers, the universal will, the sanctity of existence its very self, have mercy on whatever kind of soul he might have had left... I would much rather see him enlightened to the ways of peace and harmony rather than suffering eternal punishment for something he doesn't even understand :(
(That was healthy... joy, to hate, to sorrow, to pity; I think that's where this cycle of emotion completes.)
Nice guys don't finish. Ever.
General | Posted 18 years agoReading this...
...it's like getting kicked in the face. Oh sure, they'll glamorize this mindset, this way of life, but that's it. All you get after years of being "nice" is a consolation prize. But that's not all. It's not even by choice. It's just how some people end up, and in the end, either something happens them to make them into an asshole like all the others, or they die alone. Nice, but ALONE. And that's why I can't afford to bother anymore. For the first time in a long time, I'm not even trying to pursue anyone, and haven't been for ... longer than I can remember. More than a month. Maybe more than two.
Nobody really wants a nice guy. They may say they do, if only because it makes sense, but SENSE IS NOT CHEMISTRY.
...but, come to think, right now I -would- rather end up dying alone than end up turning into a jerk.
Now. ONWARD, PROUDLY, FOR SAPPINESS!
Stolen from
Mai who got it from 
maverikat
To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."
To every guy that's said, "You're BEAUTIFUL."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that REALLY would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with MEANING.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home even though she went home with that other guy.
To every guy that would sit and WAIT for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to CUDDLE.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he CARED through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the ONE.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car.
To every guy that WASN'T just trying to get laid.
To every guy that gave his HEART and SOUL.
To every guy who PRAYS that she is HAPPY even if you are not with her.
***Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore ... And because of this, there are not many left out there!!!
If you are a nice guy repost this with "Nice guys finish last." in great big letters
If you are a girl that thinks every guy should try to accomplish even a few of these repost this with: "To the nice guys left behind"
...yeah e.e right.
...it's like getting kicked in the face. Oh sure, they'll glamorize this mindset, this way of life, but that's it. All you get after years of being "nice" is a consolation prize. But that's not all. It's not even by choice. It's just how some people end up, and in the end, either something happens them to make them into an asshole like all the others, or they die alone. Nice, but ALONE. And that's why I can't afford to bother anymore. For the first time in a long time, I'm not even trying to pursue anyone, and haven't been for ... longer than I can remember. More than a month. Maybe more than two.
Nobody really wants a nice guy. They may say they do, if only because it makes sense, but SENSE IS NOT CHEMISTRY.
...but, come to think, right now I -would- rather end up dying alone than end up turning into a jerk.
Now. ONWARD, PROUDLY, FOR SAPPINESS!
Stolen from
Mai who got it from 
maverikatTo every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."
To every guy that's said, "You're BEAUTIFUL."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that REALLY would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with MEANING.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home even though she went home with that other guy.
To every guy that would sit and WAIT for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to CUDDLE.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he CARED through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the ONE.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car.
To every guy that WASN'T just trying to get laid.
To every guy that gave his HEART and SOUL.
To every guy who PRAYS that she is HAPPY even if you are not with her.
***Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore ... And because of this, there are not many left out there!!!
If you are a nice guy repost this with "Nice guys finish last." in great big letters
If you are a girl that thinks every guy should try to accomplish even a few of these repost this with: "To the nice guys left behind"
...yeah e.e right.
TouchMyBadger's Journal Fad
General | Posted 18 years ago
TouchMyBadger had a great idea.As quoted from the lovely Ms. Badger:
"It's called what's in your bag/purse/satchel/fannypack/whatever right now. Be honest."
In my laptop bag (usually):
Laptop (duh)
Wacom Intuos3 tablet,
Requisite stylus pen for the above,
3 spare and 2 variety nibs for tablet pen above
Logitech trackball mouse
Headphones
Ear Buds (backup for headphones)
small moleskin cover artbook 1 (sketch paper)
small moleskin cover artbook 2 (graph paper)
large leather cover artbook (sketch paper)
Green folder (random things I pick up)
Blue folder (Important things I decide to hang on to)
USB thumbdrive (1GB)
USB thumbdrive (256MB)
Power Brick, surge protector
Ethernet cable
My SOUL
I tried to be thorough, but that's just about it.
Within the hard drive of this lappy, though, is ALL my art, music, architecture models, and even some literature. losing this... would make me cry. A lot.
green folder right now has job apps in it:
AC Moore (a craft store)
A music store whose name evades me
Barnes and Noble (they're about to open a new location, too.)
blue folder currently contains:
policy handbook for my apartment community,
collected flyers i've found interesting (related and otherwise)
info from... my last job. Ow. That... really hurts. I remember exactly how happy I was when I put this in here... I suppose I should throw it out now
:(
