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General | Posted 18 years ago... My friends want me to be happy. This, I know. Since I lost the job I always wanted--due to my own incompetence--the outreach of support from everyone has been fantastic. It seems everyone is doing their part to try and make me forget, keep my mind off of what happened and why...
all making sure I'm not too hard on myself...
all making sure I don't go jump off a bridge,
or take a bath with razorblades,
or mix rat poison into my instant ramen,
if only by way of keeping my mind occupied in other ways.
Since That Wednesday night, though... my entire week has been a sprawl of lethargy and decadence. A happy little... fairy tale.
but, even if I could go the rest of my life just sleeping, eating, and gaming day in and day out, I wouldn't want to. I can't live like this forever, or much longer for that matter.
I am not allowed to have a fairy godmother fix it all for me.
I will not settle for a happily ever after, because...
I don't know if there will be a happily,
nor do I know if there will be an ever,
nor can I even be sure of an after, for that matter.
I have really let myself down. This is the biggest... personal failure on my record. How can I just gloss that over with smiley faces and sugar coating! How can I pretend it's all okay! I have ONE paycheck that I just got, and that's it, from VFP, and it'll keep me till the end of the next month. In the mean time, I may very well be screwed, and if I am, I ... I don't even know if I WANT help; if this isn't evidence that I'm not cut out for survival, I don't know WHAT is! No; I have to survive by my OWN power!! That is the only resolution I can have right now and I"ll be damned if I let THAT get taken away from me too!
IT'S THE ONLY SCRAP OF DIGNITY I HAVE LEFT!
So... I finally have to look at the problem, despite the warnings and pleadings of all my friends. It's time to go. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I've got to do something.
all making sure I'm not too hard on myself...
all making sure I don't go jump off a bridge,
or take a bath with razorblades,
or mix rat poison into my instant ramen,
if only by way of keeping my mind occupied in other ways.
Since That Wednesday night, though... my entire week has been a sprawl of lethargy and decadence. A happy little... fairy tale.
but, even if I could go the rest of my life just sleeping, eating, and gaming day in and day out, I wouldn't want to. I can't live like this forever, or much longer for that matter.
I am not allowed to have a fairy godmother fix it all for me.
I will not settle for a happily ever after, because...
I don't know if there will be a happily,
nor do I know if there will be an ever,
nor can I even be sure of an after, for that matter.
I have really let myself down. This is the biggest... personal failure on my record. How can I just gloss that over with smiley faces and sugar coating! How can I pretend it's all okay! I have ONE paycheck that I just got, and that's it, from VFP, and it'll keep me till the end of the next month. In the mean time, I may very well be screwed, and if I am, I ... I don't even know if I WANT help; if this isn't evidence that I'm not cut out for survival, I don't know WHAT is! No; I have to survive by my OWN power!! That is the only resolution I can have right now and I"ll be damned if I let THAT get taken away from me too!
IT'S THE ONLY SCRAP OF DIGNITY I HAVE LEFT!
So... I finally have to look at the problem, despite the warnings and pleadings of all my friends. It's time to go. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I've got to do something.
seen coming
General | Posted 18 years agoGood news and bad news, this is what I get for letting friends and pleasure come before needs and responsibility.
I've been very lucky lately, but my finite luck just ran out and I got myself fired. The deed that did it happened yesterday when, after staying up till 2 am talking to people, I woke up at 8:20 AM (twenty minutes late for work), called in (and didn't leave a message with my boss), and get there only to have my recent Narcoleptic afflictions catch up with me and knock me out in my chair for minutes at a time while I struggled futilely through entirely ineffectual coffee.
Steve heard guff about it, and I bit the dust right there as far as management was concerned. So today, minutes before five, he took me aside and handed me a pink slip. And I haven't broken down crying yet. I haven't reached for the sleeping pills yet. I haven't... gone to run out into traffic yet. I thought this would be the end of my life. I was positive, even last night, that "If I fuck up this job, I may as well stop living right then". Yet, as it just figures, I didn't stop living and I don't have any intention to.
As far as the event itself, of sitting down in Steve's office and hearing "I'm going to have to let you go", it was actually almost amicable. I mean, the most disturbing part was that ten minutes where all I could do was stare blankly in utter silence. The first thing I said, staring at the slips where I held them three inches from my face, was: "... the first thing I'd like to have made clear to me is that you're not doing this because you hate me." "Absolutely right." --and this set the tone for the rest. He said:
1) I ought to see a doctor to get this verified if Narcolepsy really is the problem,
2) He wants to write letters of recommendation for me and help me find a new job,
3) He recommended a place for me to check out
4) many apologies, etc.
5) I put in the good word for my pal justin (our local taxifox)... whom, when I can finally get in touch with him, I will force to finish up his resume so he can submit it there
Overall, VFP, Inc. is, was, and will most likely be for anyone else, a good place to work, provided you're not as irresponsible as I am. I hope these lessons stay with me if I manage to survive this... but chances are, I might disappear soon, and not be available for a very, very long time.
if that's the case, I'm going to miss you, whichever one of you is reading this.
I've been very lucky lately, but my finite luck just ran out and I got myself fired. The deed that did it happened yesterday when, after staying up till 2 am talking to people, I woke up at 8:20 AM (twenty minutes late for work), called in (and didn't leave a message with my boss), and get there only to have my recent Narcoleptic afflictions catch up with me and knock me out in my chair for minutes at a time while I struggled futilely through entirely ineffectual coffee.
Steve heard guff about it, and I bit the dust right there as far as management was concerned. So today, minutes before five, he took me aside and handed me a pink slip. And I haven't broken down crying yet. I haven't reached for the sleeping pills yet. I haven't... gone to run out into traffic yet. I thought this would be the end of my life. I was positive, even last night, that "If I fuck up this job, I may as well stop living right then". Yet, as it just figures, I didn't stop living and I don't have any intention to.
As far as the event itself, of sitting down in Steve's office and hearing "I'm going to have to let you go", it was actually almost amicable. I mean, the most disturbing part was that ten minutes where all I could do was stare blankly in utter silence. The first thing I said, staring at the slips where I held them three inches from my face, was: "... the first thing I'd like to have made clear to me is that you're not doing this because you hate me." "Absolutely right." --and this set the tone for the rest. He said:
1) I ought to see a doctor to get this verified if Narcolepsy really is the problem,
2) He wants to write letters of recommendation for me and help me find a new job,
3) He recommended a place for me to check out
4) many apologies, etc.
5) I put in the good word for my pal justin (our local taxifox)... whom, when I can finally get in touch with him, I will force to finish up his resume so he can submit it there
Overall, VFP, Inc. is, was, and will most likely be for anyone else, a good place to work, provided you're not as irresponsible as I am. I hope these lessons stay with me if I manage to survive this... but chances are, I might disappear soon, and not be available for a very, very long time.
if that's the case, I'm going to miss you, whichever one of you is reading this.
Ever get to wondering...?
General | Posted 18 years agoI hate to say it, I really hate to say it, but ... I have to wonder if I really deserve this job. It seemed almost -too- easy, like this is a dream about to evaporate before my eyes. I am scared to death that this may be a teaser, as if the universe is eventually going to bark out 'PSYCH!!' and yank it away from me...
"If you're a good boy, maybe you'll be able to get a job just like that one FOR REAL someday!"
Nightmare Daydreams are my worst enemy.
This is a recurring theme for me, though. I've seen this again and again--but now I can at least hope I know how to deal with it: Humans have a tendency to shoot themselves in the foot. When something looks too good, we attempt to pop the bubble and wake the dream, we suspect treachery and put up our guard. I'm not getting this from the matrix, even. I think the Wachowski Brothers got it from the same place that, well, everybody does. It's instinct.
I dreamed last week of a woman trapped in the desert, who while walking eventually begins to see plants around her, until the vision explodes into a beautiful forest stretching on with cool shade for infinity around her... but then a touch of doubt enters her mind, and the trees begin to whither away around her to reveal that it was only a hallucination triggered by a field of poisonous plants and their spore fumes.
(in the dream, silly enough, Vash The Stampede's brother, Knives, spoke up to comment derisively that humans are flawed, that it is their nature to sabotage themselves--yet INFURIATINGLY, it is also this very flaw that allows them to escape summary extermination.)
Later that very day, I came across a journal post by Ms.
cherucat, who spoke of the exact same premise... wracking herself with guilt over something that she is otherwise proud of. 
bishiebunny said almost the same thing... that it is our nature to... oh i just have to take an excerpt... Please forgive me, Bishie ;_; You just phrased it so beautifully at the time!!
"Whether we're wrestlingly with gluttony or lust, we're ultimately waging the same war, internalized shame over externalized indulgence. There's a gut response to anything that produces a "happy," and this response isn't just reserved for a list of seven human foibles. People can feel that same guilt just for being content; with their job, their family, even an enjoyed sunset. How many times a day does the average sentient sabatoge themselves over an inability to cope with possible success or comfort?
While society and religion is certainly a part of it, what they are is in fact a codifying of a much more simplistic internal mechanism. Extremes tend to be bad, feasting leads to fat, unending debauchery leads to a dehumanization of friends and lovers, even happiness can have one resting and perhaps even devolving to the lowest common denominator of what makes one content, stealing the drive to strive for more.
Our evolution, our nature, demands more out of us and these guilt-ridden moments are a way to keep us universally unsatisfied and pushing ahead to making tomorrow better then yesterday.
But what good is either of those when today is spent in such misery? How fun is it to live without a burger now and again? Or a playful romp that hurts no one, except possibly invalidating the warrenty on that buzzing, battery operated companion? And how miserable to spend every waking moment, incapable of just embracing the day and smiling for no other good reason then it's raining outside and you love the sound it makes?
Turning totally from the guilt is denying it's purpose in moderating and enhancing your survival. Embracing it is denying yourself the pleasures that make survival worthwhile. Accept the shame so that it doesn't overload your senses, as the natural (though societally enhanced) pain that it is, marking something that COULD be over-indulged in. But don't let it defile or in fact, define the pleasure that came before.
Both are real and have their purpose; they are survival and they are life and all that is good in it."
... yes, that opened my eyes quite a bit to my own functionality.
But last and not least, once more in that waking period, I found myself having a conversation with someone where they were... absolutely showering me with flattery o.o; and the more they complimented, the more self-conscious and uncomfortable I felt... I began to wonder if -I- was too good to be true--as if that were something INHERENTLY WRONG and if I should change it so I can be as imperfect to them as I know I am to myself o.o;
I ... it's... it's so confusing... these psychological knots we tie ourselves into :( I wish I could just shut off my emotions again and become a machine while I'm at work so I can just get my job done, not caring about compliments or comments or any of the hidden meanings behind them, so I can derive confidence from knowing I've done good, hard work, and lots of it--and even the knowledge that nobody would have to know I'm enjoying it but ME, like it was in high school...
AGH...! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? ;_; WHY AM I THINKING THESE THOUGHTS AND WHY WON'T THEY STOP!! I just want to keep my job... be able to support my lifestyle so I can exist with my friends... gods, why am I doing this to myself...? I don't want to betray myself! DO YOU KNOW how it feels, to feel worthless in a room full of people telling you how great you are...?
it feels lonely...
it makes you doubt yourself...
you just can't win, between being wrong or, alternatively, being a living lie of omission...
I need to reclaim some integrity.
(whew... glad to get that off my chest at least...)
"If you're a good boy, maybe you'll be able to get a job just like that one FOR REAL someday!"
Nightmare Daydreams are my worst enemy.
This is a recurring theme for me, though. I've seen this again and again--but now I can at least hope I know how to deal with it: Humans have a tendency to shoot themselves in the foot. When something looks too good, we attempt to pop the bubble and wake the dream, we suspect treachery and put up our guard. I'm not getting this from the matrix, even. I think the Wachowski Brothers got it from the same place that, well, everybody does. It's instinct.
I dreamed last week of a woman trapped in the desert, who while walking eventually begins to see plants around her, until the vision explodes into a beautiful forest stretching on with cool shade for infinity around her... but then a touch of doubt enters her mind, and the trees begin to whither away around her to reveal that it was only a hallucination triggered by a field of poisonous plants and their spore fumes.
(in the dream, silly enough, Vash The Stampede's brother, Knives, spoke up to comment derisively that humans are flawed, that it is their nature to sabotage themselves--yet INFURIATINGLY, it is also this very flaw that allows them to escape summary extermination.)
Later that very day, I came across a journal post by Ms.
cherucat, who spoke of the exact same premise... wracking herself with guilt over something that she is otherwise proud of. 
bishiebunny said almost the same thing... that it is our nature to... oh i just have to take an excerpt... Please forgive me, Bishie ;_; You just phrased it so beautifully at the time!!"Whether we're wrestlingly with gluttony or lust, we're ultimately waging the same war, internalized shame over externalized indulgence. There's a gut response to anything that produces a "happy," and this response isn't just reserved for a list of seven human foibles. People can feel that same guilt just for being content; with their job, their family, even an enjoyed sunset. How many times a day does the average sentient sabatoge themselves over an inability to cope with possible success or comfort?
While society and religion is certainly a part of it, what they are is in fact a codifying of a much more simplistic internal mechanism. Extremes tend to be bad, feasting leads to fat, unending debauchery leads to a dehumanization of friends and lovers, even happiness can have one resting and perhaps even devolving to the lowest common denominator of what makes one content, stealing the drive to strive for more.
Our evolution, our nature, demands more out of us and these guilt-ridden moments are a way to keep us universally unsatisfied and pushing ahead to making tomorrow better then yesterday.
But what good is either of those when today is spent in such misery? How fun is it to live without a burger now and again? Or a playful romp that hurts no one, except possibly invalidating the warrenty on that buzzing, battery operated companion? And how miserable to spend every waking moment, incapable of just embracing the day and smiling for no other good reason then it's raining outside and you love the sound it makes?
Turning totally from the guilt is denying it's purpose in moderating and enhancing your survival. Embracing it is denying yourself the pleasures that make survival worthwhile. Accept the shame so that it doesn't overload your senses, as the natural (though societally enhanced) pain that it is, marking something that COULD be over-indulged in. But don't let it defile or in fact, define the pleasure that came before.
Both are real and have their purpose; they are survival and they are life and all that is good in it."
... yes, that opened my eyes quite a bit to my own functionality.
But last and not least, once more in that waking period, I found myself having a conversation with someone where they were... absolutely showering me with flattery o.o; and the more they complimented, the more self-conscious and uncomfortable I felt... I began to wonder if -I- was too good to be true--as if that were something INHERENTLY WRONG and if I should change it so I can be as imperfect to them as I know I am to myself o.o;
I ... it's... it's so confusing... these psychological knots we tie ourselves into :( I wish I could just shut off my emotions again and become a machine while I'm at work so I can just get my job done, not caring about compliments or comments or any of the hidden meanings behind them, so I can derive confidence from knowing I've done good, hard work, and lots of it--and even the knowledge that nobody would have to know I'm enjoying it but ME, like it was in high school...
AGH...! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? ;_; WHY AM I THINKING THESE THOUGHTS AND WHY WON'T THEY STOP!! I just want to keep my job... be able to support my lifestyle so I can exist with my friends... gods, why am I doing this to myself...? I don't want to betray myself! DO YOU KNOW how it feels, to feel worthless in a room full of people telling you how great you are...?
it feels lonely...
it makes you doubt yourself...
you just can't win, between being wrong or, alternatively, being a living lie of omission...
I need to reclaim some integrity.
(whew... glad to get that off my chest at least...)
MOAR Pokey-mans!?! OH NOES!
General | Posted 18 years ago... I'm afraid I'm still rather put-off from the whole poke-craze. This is 20th century stuff. I lost interest about when I broke out of middle school. The entire thing reeks of money scrounging. They're going to keep beating this horse long after it's dead. IF it isn't dead YET. I'm sure even Samurai Pizza Cats would be horrible right now if they kept milking it for cash. Speedy SerViccé himself would be rolling over in his grave. And pokemon used to come on immediately before SPC (or was it after) after school! I bet he might be rolling in his grave ANYWAY!
Now, you're not less of a person for liking it, but I'm actually curious as to why anybody can stand it. I avoid World of Warcraft mostly for the same reasons--because of the kinds of people who get sucked into it combined with the fact of how horribly addictive it can be. ...Yet here are the people I actually have respect for, getting swallowed whole without a blink by something I have long since considered just as foul. What am I missing here...? Isn't Pokemon for seventh graders, originally marketed for Japanese elementary-schoolers, and in fact DISCONTINUED in Japan? I know the TV show, if it is indeed still running, is being produced and aired SOLELY in the united states... The whole thing gives me a queasy sensation of fakeness. Sort of like the smell of McDonald's or the taste of "Splenda" or its ugly cousin Aspartame.
...It's so ... fucking cutesy... I can't even fathom deriving joy from watching small creatures get packed into tiny plastic balls and forced to fight for sport--and I can hardly enjoy that even under the most TWISTED circumstances!! It would require me to either become incredibly, immeasurably CRUEL and SADISTIC, or astronomically dense and naive... or even both. Maybe it doesn't require that from anybody else, but... there's just no room in my heart for pocket monster training. Eeyugh...
Now, you're not less of a person for liking it, but I'm actually curious as to why anybody can stand it. I avoid World of Warcraft mostly for the same reasons--because of the kinds of people who get sucked into it combined with the fact of how horribly addictive it can be. ...Yet here are the people I actually have respect for, getting swallowed whole without a blink by something I have long since considered just as foul. What am I missing here...? Isn't Pokemon for seventh graders, originally marketed for Japanese elementary-schoolers, and in fact DISCONTINUED in Japan? I know the TV show, if it is indeed still running, is being produced and aired SOLELY in the united states... The whole thing gives me a queasy sensation of fakeness. Sort of like the smell of McDonald's or the taste of "Splenda" or its ugly cousin Aspartame.
...It's so ... fucking cutesy... I can't even fathom deriving joy from watching small creatures get packed into tiny plastic balls and forced to fight for sport--and I can hardly enjoy that even under the most TWISTED circumstances!! It would require me to either become incredibly, immeasurably CRUEL and SADISTIC, or astronomically dense and naive... or even both. Maybe it doesn't require that from anybody else, but... there's just no room in my heart for pocket monster training. Eeyugh...
I shall never be a pirate again...
General | Posted 18 years agoMy "R" key is busted... I can't use it now x.x the key itself actually popped out!! my laptop keyboa... uh..
SHIT >_< this is tough... THAT .. SYMBOL is one of the most often-used of all the alphabet in the English language and now I don't have one~!! >_< SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! This is bad ;_; I can't spell FU_CADIA, o_ even Cy_us Ale_ec D_aegu_, the name of my main Cha_acte_!!!
...This must be what it's like to have a speech impediment. I'd have to end up using W's instead x.x at least it's not a LISP.. yeesh...
SHIT >_< this is tough... THAT .. SYMBOL is one of the most often-used of all the alphabet in the English language and now I don't have one~!! >_< SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! This is bad ;_; I can't spell FU_CADIA, o_ even Cy_us Ale_ec D_aegu_, the name of my main Cha_acte_!!!
...This must be what it's like to have a speech impediment. I'd have to end up using W's instead x.x at least it's not a LISP.. yeesh...
lookback
General | Posted 18 years ago... it's april ninth, I just realized.
I was looking through my old journal entries and found something that I said: "Well, if all i have to do is tie up loose ends,
then I can. I have time. I could possibly even do it by the end of the month."
... and I did. Looking back, I really did. JUST A MONTH AGO, MY LIFE WAS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT! THE FOLLOWING IS FUNDUMENTAL TRUTH:
TIME DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, AND WHAT YOU WANT TO DO DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT HOW LONG IT 'SHOULD' TAKE. Your entire world can be turned on its EAR in an instant--in a comparative chronological blink even to your perspective. FAST. Life really is an adventure if living is really what you're doing.
my fellow furries, if you stand up and walk, you will travel very, very, very far in a very, very, very short time, and all you must do is put one paw in front of the other. I hope I will remember to keep putting one paw in front of the other. complacency is not worth it. Stability is an unhealthy illusion. STRIVE! STRIVE, BECAUSE IT'S FUN!!!
I was looking through my old journal entries and found something that I said: "Well, if all i have to do is tie up loose ends,
then I can. I have time. I could possibly even do it by the end of the month."
... and I did. Looking back, I really did. JUST A MONTH AGO, MY LIFE WAS ENTIRELY DIFFERENT! THE FOLLOWING IS FUNDUMENTAL TRUTH:
TIME DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, AND WHAT YOU WANT TO DO DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT HOW LONG IT 'SHOULD' TAKE. Your entire world can be turned on its EAR in an instant--in a comparative chronological blink even to your perspective. FAST. Life really is an adventure if living is really what you're doing.
my fellow furries, if you stand up and walk, you will travel very, very, very far in a very, very, very short time, and all you must do is put one paw in front of the other. I hope I will remember to keep putting one paw in front of the other. complacency is not worth it. Stability is an unhealthy illusion. STRIVE! STRIVE, BECAUSE IT'S FUN!!!
Plights, Blights, and Fanciful Flights
General | Posted 18 years agoI have been made privy to a horror whose breadth and magnitude has redefined the bounds of extremity in my mind...
I once upon a time had a friend... or rather, Ally did... as he could not be a friend to me because I am male, and would not tolerate her friendship after she confessed the truth about her player being male. But I do not hold this against him, because he has his reasons...
he has his very, very... very good reasons.
In the first grade, upon receipt of glasses and having worn them for only a period of about thirty minutes, his male classmates proceeded to beat the everloving snot out of him. Yes, because of glasses. This is familliar, isn't it. Then he went home, and his mother proceeded to beat the everloving snot out of him... for breaking his glasses on all those nice boys' fists. This was a daily procedure for him for an entire schoolyear, with rumors quickly arising not only that "he's gay", but also that "his mother has sex with him". ...eventually social services got involved and placed him in a special school where everyone except him was mentally disabled. He was not yet even seven years old.
There are astonishingly few people in this world who see that much of their own blood in their entire lives. There are almost no people in this world who see that much of their own blood before they are seven. There is a distinct possibility that he could be the only one who has seen so much physical abuse in so little time and lived. And it didn't even stop there. I just couldn't bear to hear more of it past then.
He hates men. Boys. Males of any kind. Strangely, he was amicable toward me till the very last time I said "goodbye". I've never thought to think such a thing before in my life... but... i think that if anybody had a good reason for hatred... he'd be the one. Because... he lived it... over and over and over again... and not one damned meatslab homosapien out of all of them was human enough to save him or stop it.
I feel ashamed... for being born as what I am. And I can understand the root of his fear and anger. I'm sure you'd feel mighty intolerant of trucks if they kept running you over. I'm sure you'd come to hate mayonaise if it were force-fed to you by the gallon every hour of every day. I'm sure you'd not be able to stand the sight of needles if someone used one to scratch your arm off through the bicep over the period of several decades, and if you think about it, that's pretty much what happened to him. Because they abused him every day of his life for twenty years since, the part of him that enabled him to possess any sympathy or tolerance for the male half of all life that exists has been amputated.
The fucking system is broken. I'm still praying he was lying to me for drama or sympathy, but even if it did turn out to be fiction, which i'll never be able to find out anyways... it's still practically the single most revolting example of humanity I have ever had the ill fortune to witness vicariously through anyone.
...the least they could've done was put him out of his misery, but now that he can live with this, he has to, until the end.
I may be in the wrong to compare this to nazi prison camps, but this happened in the united fucking states of america where we're supposed to be just and righteous and good... we're just a bunch of gods damned hypocrites!!
...I am no mortal to use the names of any gods or spirits to make any promises I can't keep... but I really wish there were some kind of unanimous judgment I could look to so I could pass the buck like everybody else -.-
... unfortunately, I can't do that... so it falls upon me. What the fuck am I going to do, if any god I could ask would tell me to take up the fight for myself? and what would I fight for? How would I fight...? I wouldn't... I'd end up fighting for nothing, and I'd still be, just as now, just as much of a hypocrite as all the rest...
so ... if for nothing else than the vague, flickering, flagging, fading, dwindling, last ember of hope for anything resembling love or compassion that still exists in this empty husk of a world and all its vaunted, soulless, corrupt societies... please... please... please at least try to be nice... for once, if only for once. ... the last thing this world needs is more excuses to hate or kill. I'm so tired...
...so tired of it all.
I once upon a time had a friend... or rather, Ally did... as he could not be a friend to me because I am male, and would not tolerate her friendship after she confessed the truth about her player being male. But I do not hold this against him, because he has his reasons...
he has his very, very... very good reasons.
In the first grade, upon receipt of glasses and having worn them for only a period of about thirty minutes, his male classmates proceeded to beat the everloving snot out of him. Yes, because of glasses. This is familliar, isn't it. Then he went home, and his mother proceeded to beat the everloving snot out of him... for breaking his glasses on all those nice boys' fists. This was a daily procedure for him for an entire schoolyear, with rumors quickly arising not only that "he's gay", but also that "his mother has sex with him". ...eventually social services got involved and placed him in a special school where everyone except him was mentally disabled. He was not yet even seven years old.
There are astonishingly few people in this world who see that much of their own blood in their entire lives. There are almost no people in this world who see that much of their own blood before they are seven. There is a distinct possibility that he could be the only one who has seen so much physical abuse in so little time and lived. And it didn't even stop there. I just couldn't bear to hear more of it past then.
He hates men. Boys. Males of any kind. Strangely, he was amicable toward me till the very last time I said "goodbye". I've never thought to think such a thing before in my life... but... i think that if anybody had a good reason for hatred... he'd be the one. Because... he lived it... over and over and over again... and not one damned meatslab homosapien out of all of them was human enough to save him or stop it.
I feel ashamed... for being born as what I am. And I can understand the root of his fear and anger. I'm sure you'd feel mighty intolerant of trucks if they kept running you over. I'm sure you'd come to hate mayonaise if it were force-fed to you by the gallon every hour of every day. I'm sure you'd not be able to stand the sight of needles if someone used one to scratch your arm off through the bicep over the period of several decades, and if you think about it, that's pretty much what happened to him. Because they abused him every day of his life for twenty years since, the part of him that enabled him to possess any sympathy or tolerance for the male half of all life that exists has been amputated.
The fucking system is broken. I'm still praying he was lying to me for drama or sympathy, but even if it did turn out to be fiction, which i'll never be able to find out anyways... it's still practically the single most revolting example of humanity I have ever had the ill fortune to witness vicariously through anyone.
...the least they could've done was put him out of his misery, but now that he can live with this, he has to, until the end.
I may be in the wrong to compare this to nazi prison camps, but this happened in the united fucking states of america where we're supposed to be just and righteous and good... we're just a bunch of gods damned hypocrites!!
...I am no mortal to use the names of any gods or spirits to make any promises I can't keep... but I really wish there were some kind of unanimous judgment I could look to so I could pass the buck like everybody else -.-
... unfortunately, I can't do that... so it falls upon me. What the fuck am I going to do, if any god I could ask would tell me to take up the fight for myself? and what would I fight for? How would I fight...? I wouldn't... I'd end up fighting for nothing, and I'd still be, just as now, just as much of a hypocrite as all the rest...
so ... if for nothing else than the vague, flickering, flagging, fading, dwindling, last ember of hope for anything resembling love or compassion that still exists in this empty husk of a world and all its vaunted, soulless, corrupt societies... please... please... please at least try to be nice... for once, if only for once. ... the last thing this world needs is more excuses to hate or kill. I'm so tired...
...so tired of it all.
Furry Haters
General | Posted 18 years ago
RunihuraRunihura had a journal post lately that called attention to this:
http://www.truechristian.com/furries.html
It's a Christian furry-bashing site. Read it at your own risk. It doesn't make me feel very good about our present-day society...
... so much hatred and intolerance... With so much arrogance and blind cruelty, how can they have any business considering themselves people at all, let alone more human than us? I have never known a furry who hates, nor a furry who wishes truly and seriously to cause harm, working actively through legal and communal channels to inflict HARM. Even 2 the Ranting Gryphon himself, though hilariously vocal and outspoken, has never attempted to publish defamatory material against anyone. He has never attempted to destroy someone's life from the inside out and he'll be the first one to tell you "those fucks should BLEED".
What the fuck is wrong with these human supremacists? Just about every damned thing on that site has been reference to harmless, light-hearted skits, people dancing in mascot suits, no fucking, hardly even any cursing. And yet they're so ready and willing to pull the trigger.
No, you know what? I know what happens to furries who hate. Nobody likes them. They are ousted by their own hatred and become Burned Fur. It's obvious yet I don't want to admit it even as I write this now: they're only lashing out at a community that was too good for them. Wishful thinking, right? Is that what they'd tell me? I've seen it all before: there's always some sad, lonely soul who ends up at the ass-end of everything, and everybody else maintains their social status by stepping on the underdog. it happened to me, it happened to my friends. And I know what happened to the original burned furs, too. They awakened from their blind rage and got on with their lives, most of them learning quickly that nobody in the real world wants to hear about how much somebody hates somebody else.
I'm so tired of seeing shit like this... but it'll happen no matter where you go.
...
...
Ever had one of those moments, though, where you look up and realize how grotesque and horrifying a 'devout' Christian is? How... disturbing it is to see a living mind twisted into such a state of disheveled disease and brainwashing, closed to any suggestion of alternative, compressed and bound by fear and hate... I see it every day. The Christians out there, the devout ones, the only thing they concern themselves with is how to use the name of God to excuse their own sick, psychotic tendencies.
When the year 1000 A.D. rolled around, it WAS the end of the world for half the earth's population, for on that day, the entire part of humanity that was stupid enough to believe Armageddon was around the corner committed suicide. Aren't you glad that their intellectual denseness did not get to live on? Don't you wish that all the religious nut jobs of the modern day all died off in 2000 A.D.? Our intelligence is thus both a blessing and a curse... *sigh*.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
General | Posted 18 years agoI moved into my new apartment on friday and had a rough night sleeping on the floor... but I had to blow a hundred bucks on only the most basic household necessities at the local market. It was really rough sleeping on the floor, but mostly... I was shocked with myself that I was doing housework. I was picking up after myself and doing laundry and dishes, once I HAD dishes.
On saturday, I got to attend the furmeet, because
fennecwolfox helped me get there. He also let me cash my final paycheck from my old job, just a measily hundred and twenty, but every little bit helps. We ate chinese food and then played frisbee, mostly because most of us were canines and wanted something to chase ^^ I've never been athletic, but right then it was okay. Afterward, Fennec took me home so I could await the cable guy (between 3pm and 5pm). He explored the apartment and played with my Wacom tablet a bit; I oughtta show you some of the neat stuff he made! When the cable guys didn't come at 5, I called the company and was told they were going to be late. in the mean time, Benbear and Dusky came by, too, while Fennec had to go pick up Demon.
It was sort of a neat little house party. and OH GOD, Dusky had a CHEWTOY! I got to gnaw on it a bit :D It was nice! I NEED ONE OF THOSE! we traded furry art around and mostly talked... then tried to go see a movie. unfortunately, JUST as we prepared to leave (I was standing on my doorstep, the door locked behind me), the cable guys showed up!! they apparantly had a day from hell ^^; poor humans... I had them do the simplest job they could professionally allow, as my standards aren't TOO highfor this sort of thing, and they thanked me profusely, as my 'job' was the only one that day that went exactly as it was supposed to!!
by the time we got to the theater, it was too late... so we ate somewhere instead, and when we got back again, though we were in time for the theater, fennec realized how late it was and that he had to get going. So we had to split. Dusk and Ben got to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while Fennec, Demon, and me, left.
The original plan was that fennec was going to get this folding futon chair from his house for me to use, but it didn't quite work out. we ended up just going back to my apartment, where they slept over saturday night. We watched movies and anime, and picked up 20 bucks more of groceries... which served quite well.
Sunday, though, saw fennec go back home and take demon with him. I finally got the bed pads and got mostly ready for work today. Now, at 7:15 am on Monday, I leave for my first day at my new job, as a Computer Aided Drafting Operator!! WOOH! It's been such... a rush. i couldn't even fit all the details in here, but I have not been acting like my old self at all. the internet is suddenly not so important anymore... I've been acting responsible! I can hardly believe it...
i wish I could tell you more, but I don't wanna be late for work! Seeya! WOOF!
On saturday, I got to attend the furmeet, because
fennecwolfox helped me get there. He also let me cash my final paycheck from my old job, just a measily hundred and twenty, but every little bit helps. We ate chinese food and then played frisbee, mostly because most of us were canines and wanted something to chase ^^ I've never been athletic, but right then it was okay. Afterward, Fennec took me home so I could await the cable guy (between 3pm and 5pm). He explored the apartment and played with my Wacom tablet a bit; I oughtta show you some of the neat stuff he made! When the cable guys didn't come at 5, I called the company and was told they were going to be late. in the mean time, Benbear and Dusky came by, too, while Fennec had to go pick up Demon. It was sort of a neat little house party. and OH GOD, Dusky had a CHEWTOY! I got to gnaw on it a bit :D It was nice! I NEED ONE OF THOSE! we traded furry art around and mostly talked... then tried to go see a movie. unfortunately, JUST as we prepared to leave (I was standing on my doorstep, the door locked behind me), the cable guys showed up!! they apparantly had a day from hell ^^; poor humans... I had them do the simplest job they could professionally allow, as my standards aren't TOO highfor this sort of thing, and they thanked me profusely, as my 'job' was the only one that day that went exactly as it was supposed to!!
by the time we got to the theater, it was too late... so we ate somewhere instead, and when we got back again, though we were in time for the theater, fennec realized how late it was and that he had to get going. So we had to split. Dusk and Ben got to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while Fennec, Demon, and me, left.
The original plan was that fennec was going to get this folding futon chair from his house for me to use, but it didn't quite work out. we ended up just going back to my apartment, where they slept over saturday night. We watched movies and anime, and picked up 20 bucks more of groceries... which served quite well.
Sunday, though, saw fennec go back home and take demon with him. I finally got the bed pads and got mostly ready for work today. Now, at 7:15 am on Monday, I leave for my first day at my new job, as a Computer Aided Drafting Operator!! WOOH! It's been such... a rush. i couldn't even fit all the details in here, but I have not been acting like my old self at all. the internet is suddenly not so important anymore... I've been acting responsible! I can hardly believe it...
i wish I could tell you more, but I don't wanna be late for work! Seeya! WOOF!
Wow.
General | Posted 18 years agoGuess what.
I'm in a hotel right now.
Know why?
Because my roommates kicked me out. According to 'her', I'm officially a lying bastard. It follows the trend. Maybe I am a lying bastard, but all this pummeling of what I am and what it means that I am this thing has kind of... i dunno... numbed me...? yeah. I'm numb.
There are a few things I can confess for while I can though:
She claims I went back on my word:
When I moved in, I said I was going to stay until things stabilized. Things didn't stabilize, and now I'm gone. The fact that I betrayed my word... makes me a liar.
She claims I lied about her behind her back:
I'm talking about her right now, aren't I? I could be wrong about things, after all; whether I like it or not, I'm sure my experiences have biassed me somehow. It wasn't particularly pleasent, and I may be as much a monster in her eyes as she has ever been in mine, or more.
She claims I took credit for the final gift of her dying grandmother:
The last thing her grandmother would ever do for her was pay for the car. She did. My ex-roommate's grandmother coughed up 2000.00 cash for the car, and lucy had to forfeit her inheritance for it. I didn't know about that last part--about the inheritance... but I DO remember lucy's grandmother saying "This is the last thing I will ever do for you. You're out of my hands after this. I hope it works out."
I paid for 500 bucks of that car and that's all. I never claimed more than 500. I also set up the purchase between us and the previous owner. That's pocket lint next to what her grandmother did, and if I didn't acknowledge it then, I certainly acknowledge it now.
But that's not the thing that really hurts.
To survive, she must SELL the car now. She's going to have to sell the car, she told me in her own words not three hours ago, the only thing she's ever wanted and the one thing she's hoped for the most in her life and she's going to have to sell it to survive.
She claims my family influenced me to get a job far away from her apartment:
... This one, I won't be touching any further than I have to. This was the ONLY job that contacted me. I didn't choose it over a closer job, it was the ONLY job.
Granted, I am abandoning them. They have a snowflake's chance in a blast furnace of keeping an apartment without my assistance, and I'm leaving them. They're paralyzed and I'm leaving them for dead. I am for all intents and purposes a traitor, if speaking in the strictest technical sense.
So, she kicked me out. the fun part though, was that she CALLED THE POLICE TO DO IT! She wanted them to forcibly remove me from the premesis! But what's AWESOME was, the officer said "... so he hasn't hit you, hasn't cursed at you, hasn't stolen anything from you, and you just want him out? ... how long has he been here?"
"...A couple months" --SHE LIED!! SHE LIED TO HIS FACE!
"Well you can't just kick him out like that. You need to give him a thirty day notice at least; he's been here too long."
"Well, we has a written agreement" --SHE LIED AGAIN!! I DIDN'T SIGN A GODS DAMNED THING!
So then the officer looked at me with the 'so what's your story, kid?' face, and I said, "Listen, if you've got a place where I can sleep tonight, I will GLADLY walk right out that door with you right now. I'm scheduled to move into my new apartment tomorrow and I don't want to have to deal with this shit again. Less than thirty days ago, though, she told me 'to be fair, you have thirty days'."
He shook his head sadly and said, "Sorry, sir; we're not a hotel. but since you have been making an effort to get out of here anyways, I suggest you just call a cab and go to a hotel tonight. It's not worth a domestic court dispute."
So he left, I packed my bags and called a cab. I went to the holiday inn with all i could carry--my clothes in a big black duffel bag and my laptop, practically all I need ~_^ and here I am... Holiday innoffers complimentary internet access on the first night, by the way. And I took a shower. Jesus christ it was the best shower I've ever HAD. the shampoo was lemon merangue scented :D It smelled SOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!! And I came out so refreshed! I felt like I was washing them away, washing all of the bullshit away, the roommates, the drama, the stress... I feel fresh and clean and ready to start a new life. I am so damned ready.
YES! COUNT MY WORDS AS AN AD FOR HOLIDAY INN! It was 92 bucks to stay the night here (after tax) but god dammit if it ain't swank ^^ I don't have to do my own laundry! WOO!
But y'know...
My life is picking up, and if you want to be really cold, you could easily say that I'm 'just cutting off dead weight'... and when you think about how it must feel to be considered dead weight, it's easy to sympathize with lucy and her insatiable wrath. Still... lordy lordy I MUST be a bastard if I'm capable of thinking this shit...
in other news...
I go in for my first day at work on monday. I got approved for my apartment earlier this afternoon. I'm hoping to finish moving into it tomorrow. I have a chance right in front of my face to become a functioning member of society, gods damn me, and I just stepped on someone's face, according to the someone, to get there.
and to add insult to injury... I just ... don't fucking care anymore.
Isn't it great?
I'm in a hotel right now.
Know why?
Because my roommates kicked me out. According to 'her', I'm officially a lying bastard. It follows the trend. Maybe I am a lying bastard, but all this pummeling of what I am and what it means that I am this thing has kind of... i dunno... numbed me...? yeah. I'm numb.
There are a few things I can confess for while I can though:
She claims I went back on my word:
When I moved in, I said I was going to stay until things stabilized. Things didn't stabilize, and now I'm gone. The fact that I betrayed my word... makes me a liar.
She claims I lied about her behind her back:
I'm talking about her right now, aren't I? I could be wrong about things, after all; whether I like it or not, I'm sure my experiences have biassed me somehow. It wasn't particularly pleasent, and I may be as much a monster in her eyes as she has ever been in mine, or more.
She claims I took credit for the final gift of her dying grandmother:
The last thing her grandmother would ever do for her was pay for the car. She did. My ex-roommate's grandmother coughed up 2000.00 cash for the car, and lucy had to forfeit her inheritance for it. I didn't know about that last part--about the inheritance... but I DO remember lucy's grandmother saying "This is the last thing I will ever do for you. You're out of my hands after this. I hope it works out."
I paid for 500 bucks of that car and that's all. I never claimed more than 500. I also set up the purchase between us and the previous owner. That's pocket lint next to what her grandmother did, and if I didn't acknowledge it then, I certainly acknowledge it now.
But that's not the thing that really hurts.
To survive, she must SELL the car now. She's going to have to sell the car, she told me in her own words not three hours ago, the only thing she's ever wanted and the one thing she's hoped for the most in her life and she's going to have to sell it to survive.
She claims my family influenced me to get a job far away from her apartment:
... This one, I won't be touching any further than I have to. This was the ONLY job that contacted me. I didn't choose it over a closer job, it was the ONLY job.
Granted, I am abandoning them. They have a snowflake's chance in a blast furnace of keeping an apartment without my assistance, and I'm leaving them. They're paralyzed and I'm leaving them for dead. I am for all intents and purposes a traitor, if speaking in the strictest technical sense.
So, she kicked me out. the fun part though, was that she CALLED THE POLICE TO DO IT! She wanted them to forcibly remove me from the premesis! But what's AWESOME was, the officer said "... so he hasn't hit you, hasn't cursed at you, hasn't stolen anything from you, and you just want him out? ... how long has he been here?"
"...A couple months" --SHE LIED!! SHE LIED TO HIS FACE!
"Well you can't just kick him out like that. You need to give him a thirty day notice at least; he's been here too long."
"Well, we has a written agreement" --SHE LIED AGAIN!! I DIDN'T SIGN A GODS DAMNED THING!
So then the officer looked at me with the 'so what's your story, kid?' face, and I said, "Listen, if you've got a place where I can sleep tonight, I will GLADLY walk right out that door with you right now. I'm scheduled to move into my new apartment tomorrow and I don't want to have to deal with this shit again. Less than thirty days ago, though, she told me 'to be fair, you have thirty days'."
He shook his head sadly and said, "Sorry, sir; we're not a hotel. but since you have been making an effort to get out of here anyways, I suggest you just call a cab and go to a hotel tonight. It's not worth a domestic court dispute."
So he left, I packed my bags and called a cab. I went to the holiday inn with all i could carry--my clothes in a big black duffel bag and my laptop, practically all I need ~_^ and here I am... Holiday innoffers complimentary internet access on the first night, by the way. And I took a shower. Jesus christ it was the best shower I've ever HAD. the shampoo was lemon merangue scented :D It smelled SOOOOO GOOOOOOD!!! And I came out so refreshed! I felt like I was washing them away, washing all of the bullshit away, the roommates, the drama, the stress... I feel fresh and clean and ready to start a new life. I am so damned ready.
YES! COUNT MY WORDS AS AN AD FOR HOLIDAY INN! It was 92 bucks to stay the night here (after tax) but god dammit if it ain't swank ^^ I don't have to do my own laundry! WOO!
But y'know...
My life is picking up, and if you want to be really cold, you could easily say that I'm 'just cutting off dead weight'... and when you think about how it must feel to be considered dead weight, it's easy to sympathize with lucy and her insatiable wrath. Still... lordy lordy I MUST be a bastard if I'm capable of thinking this shit...
in other news...
I go in for my first day at work on monday. I got approved for my apartment earlier this afternoon. I'm hoping to finish moving into it tomorrow. I have a chance right in front of my face to become a functioning member of society, gods damn me, and I just stepped on someone's face, according to the someone, to get there.
and to add insult to injury... I just ... don't fucking care anymore.
Isn't it great?
Classy Boy
General | Posted 19 years agoA lot of things have suddenly happened. This is a time of sudden things happening.
SUDDENLY: I went to a job interview, and it went REALLY WELL. It's a DRAFTING JOB.
SUDDENLY: I'm looking at apartments. The one I looked at was REALLY NICE and I think I can even afford it!!
SUDDENLY: I am thinking of investing the paycheck I COULD CONCIEVABLY GET in the acquisition of a vehicle, and the prices SUDDENLY don't seem so outrageous anymore...
SUDDENLY: I am excited at the prospect of having to purchase my own groceries, cook my own food, and clean up after my own damned SELF.
SUDDENLY: I may have a whole living room to decorate, and I know juuuust the piano I want to put in the corner so I can reawaken my musical instincts...!
SUDDENLY: I am able to consider the possibility of a prosperous, blissful life, where I can wash my clothes without quarters, bathe regularly, enjoy walks in the evening, wake up in the MORNING and get into a toyota prius, spend all day churning out precise, neat, clear technical drawings for a drafting firm, coming home and playing an accoustic piano in my living room, having an appreciable and effective social life with my Pack, and sleeping in a REAL BED in a room that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR at night.
I CAN BE A DRAFTSMAN. WHO DRIVES A HYBRID. WHO PLAYS PIANO. WHO HAS REAL FRIENDS. WHO OWNS AN APARTMENT.
What would you say about a guy like that? A guy who has a sleek professional office job that he might actually LOVE doing something necessary, driving a toyota prius (ihopeihopeihope!!), and can play piano? Wearing a sharp yet casual shirt, cargo khakis and a trench coat in a non-menacing manner?
Why, by gosh, you MIGHT call him classy.
JESUS CHRIST! I HAD NO IDEA IT COULD COME TO THIS!
NEWS FLASH: I got out of that interview with these words reverberating in my mind:
"We could start you on the 26th."
"We can offer you between $12.00 and $14.50 an hour."
"Right now we're running a 50-hour work-week, time and a half overtime."
"I would like to give you some experience, and find out if this company might have a greater use for you once we see what you can do."
"After your first 90 days, you get an evaluation, and after that, your benefits kick in."
"If you don't hear from me before Friday at 2pm, you call me."
Dude. BENEFITS! They offer medical and dental! they have 401k retirement plans! I could get paid almost DOUBLE my last job! And there's opportunity for advancement!!
I MIGHT BE A DRAFTSMAN!! I MIGHT GET TO SIT IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER ALL DAY AND DRAW--FOR CASH! GAINFUL, HONEST CASH! NO MORE BURGER FLIPPING! NO MORE SALES CLERKING! I have never once had the opportunity to look at the world through the eyes of someone who might actually possibly have a secure future... but dear lord it is beautiful.
Quitting my last job was the best god damned thing that happened to me--IF this works out.
NOW:
you may notice, I've attached a lot of conditionals above. If. Maybe. Might. Possibly. Could. That is because....
THIS IS WAY TOO FUCKING GOOD TO BE TRUE. Part of me is SURE that I'm about to hit a pitfall, about to faceplant myself into disaster. Part of me is absolutely positive that SOMETHING is going to come up because I don't deserve it or some stupid lame-ass reason like that. For FUCK'S SAKE, I WANT TO PROVE MYSELF! I WANT TO BE USEFUL! I WANT TO DESIGN SHIT SOMEDAY! Why is this so hard for me to accept?? ;_;
So... Even though this is the only basket that's gotten carried so far in my life, I'm not ready to put any eggs in it just yet. Hell, I'm not even going to be sure I have the job until I'm holding my first paycheck. I might not even be sure my life was ever that good even if I'm pondering it on my deathbed after an eighty year span of legendary architectural masterpieces... x.x
So...
I'll acknowledge I'm feelin' GREAT right now...
...but I'm not celebrating, no, not just yet.
SUDDENLY: I went to a job interview, and it went REALLY WELL. It's a DRAFTING JOB.
SUDDENLY: I'm looking at apartments. The one I looked at was REALLY NICE and I think I can even afford it!!
SUDDENLY: I am thinking of investing the paycheck I COULD CONCIEVABLY GET in the acquisition of a vehicle, and the prices SUDDENLY don't seem so outrageous anymore...
SUDDENLY: I am excited at the prospect of having to purchase my own groceries, cook my own food, and clean up after my own damned SELF.
SUDDENLY: I may have a whole living room to decorate, and I know juuuust the piano I want to put in the corner so I can reawaken my musical instincts...!
SUDDENLY: I am able to consider the possibility of a prosperous, blissful life, where I can wash my clothes without quarters, bathe regularly, enjoy walks in the evening, wake up in the MORNING and get into a toyota prius, spend all day churning out precise, neat, clear technical drawings for a drafting firm, coming home and playing an accoustic piano in my living room, having an appreciable and effective social life with my Pack, and sleeping in a REAL BED in a room that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR at night.
I CAN BE A DRAFTSMAN. WHO DRIVES A HYBRID. WHO PLAYS PIANO. WHO HAS REAL FRIENDS. WHO OWNS AN APARTMENT.
What would you say about a guy like that? A guy who has a sleek professional office job that he might actually LOVE doing something necessary, driving a toyota prius (ihopeihopeihope!!), and can play piano? Wearing a sharp yet casual shirt, cargo khakis and a trench coat in a non-menacing manner?
Why, by gosh, you MIGHT call him classy.
JESUS CHRIST! I HAD NO IDEA IT COULD COME TO THIS!
NEWS FLASH: I got out of that interview with these words reverberating in my mind:
"We could start you on the 26th."
"We can offer you between $12.00 and $14.50 an hour."
"Right now we're running a 50-hour work-week, time and a half overtime."
"I would like to give you some experience, and find out if this company might have a greater use for you once we see what you can do."
"After your first 90 days, you get an evaluation, and after that, your benefits kick in."
"If you don't hear from me before Friday at 2pm, you call me."
Dude. BENEFITS! They offer medical and dental! they have 401k retirement plans! I could get paid almost DOUBLE my last job! And there's opportunity for advancement!!
I MIGHT BE A DRAFTSMAN!! I MIGHT GET TO SIT IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER ALL DAY AND DRAW--FOR CASH! GAINFUL, HONEST CASH! NO MORE BURGER FLIPPING! NO MORE SALES CLERKING! I have never once had the opportunity to look at the world through the eyes of someone who might actually possibly have a secure future... but dear lord it is beautiful.
Quitting my last job was the best god damned thing that happened to me--IF this works out.
NOW:
you may notice, I've attached a lot of conditionals above. If. Maybe. Might. Possibly. Could. That is because....
THIS IS WAY TOO FUCKING GOOD TO BE TRUE. Part of me is SURE that I'm about to hit a pitfall, about to faceplant myself into disaster. Part of me is absolutely positive that SOMETHING is going to come up because I don't deserve it or some stupid lame-ass reason like that. For FUCK'S SAKE, I WANT TO PROVE MYSELF! I WANT TO BE USEFUL! I WANT TO DESIGN SHIT SOMEDAY! Why is this so hard for me to accept?? ;_;
So... Even though this is the only basket that's gotten carried so far in my life, I'm not ready to put any eggs in it just yet. Hell, I'm not even going to be sure I have the job until I'm holding my first paycheck. I might not even be sure my life was ever that good even if I'm pondering it on my deathbed after an eighty year span of legendary architectural masterpieces... x.x
So...
I'll acknowledge I'm feelin' GREAT right now...
...but I'm not celebrating, no, not just yet.
Gratuitous Splatterage
General | Posted 19 years agoSomehow, this shit hitting the fan doesn't seem nearly as horrible as i thought it would be--but make no mistake, this does NOT mean i'm a scatophile or anything. It just means that the downturn my life just took isn't looking as bad for me as it probably should.
Maybe it's because I'm in denial on some level, even though I'm not really denying it:
I have to be Gone. My roommates gave me thirty days.
ASAP, I have to get that car signed out of my name and into the name of my soon-to-be-ex-roommate's-mother's name. and i'll be happy to have it done. Not 'good riddance' or anything like that... it's just a huge weight on my shoulders that I'll be happy to have off, and an anchor to this place that I'd rather not have.
I admit this could've gone worse. she could've tried to kill me. Then again, this IS the worst-case-scenario I thought was going to happen a few months ago. In 20/20 retrospect, I really think that the time she blew up at me for wanting to be alone was what resigned me to this. Ever since then, I just couldn't stand it anymore. Everything she did dug into me and TWISTED like a rusty, grime-covered dagger. Every time she made a mistake, I felt the snide, putrid urge to have an "I told you so". ... living here is turning me into a very mean person and I don't think I want to risk that anymore anyways.
ANYWHO, the magic moment is approaching...
The one single most vastly important event is fast occurring: Where I am destined either for PROSPERITY or for DEATH. I'm going up to fredericksburg next week to visit some very good friends... Amanda and Eric. Amanda's going to try to hook me up with a job at Geico. A nice, stable desk job. that would be very nice. it would.
the cheapest rent for a one bedroom apartment would be $750.00 a month in fredericksburg... but if I can get full-time employment, even at $7.75 an hour, I'll have maybe $250.00 left over for utilities, food, or whatever.
But, I will live or I will die. It really... doesn't seem to matter much anymore. Who will it make a diference to if 'ol stoney is no-more?
... well, my friends, first of all.. --but I've already established that I'm living for them in the first place!! If I DIDN'T have them, I'd have fled this body or even... done something MORE drastic than even that.
It's funny though; a few months ago I could've sworn this would be a miserable state to be in... but it's not. I feel calm, reserved, patient, and somehow... maybe even ready? well whatever it is, this is the make-or-break, the main event. The fledgeling hawk must learn how to fly.
...if you think I deserve to live, you could help me survive by buying a commission for dirt cheap--you name the price. Even a buck; I don't care, as long as it reaches my paypal. I have so much daily time, I don't know what to do with it all--so fill it with ART! At least for the next two weeks... after that, if I'm not distinctly surviving, I will be distinctly Dying. As in, homeless, penniless.
As I put it to my dear friend Verm Frost:
"I'm okay...
I'm glad to know that you cared... but I'll be okay, whatever happens. Even if you don't hear from me for a long time... I won't regret.
I'll miss you, but I won't regret."
<3
Maybe it's because I'm in denial on some level, even though I'm not really denying it:
I have to be Gone. My roommates gave me thirty days.
ASAP, I have to get that car signed out of my name and into the name of my soon-to-be-ex-roommate's-mother's name. and i'll be happy to have it done. Not 'good riddance' or anything like that... it's just a huge weight on my shoulders that I'll be happy to have off, and an anchor to this place that I'd rather not have.
I admit this could've gone worse. she could've tried to kill me. Then again, this IS the worst-case-scenario I thought was going to happen a few months ago. In 20/20 retrospect, I really think that the time she blew up at me for wanting to be alone was what resigned me to this. Ever since then, I just couldn't stand it anymore. Everything she did dug into me and TWISTED like a rusty, grime-covered dagger. Every time she made a mistake, I felt the snide, putrid urge to have an "I told you so". ... living here is turning me into a very mean person and I don't think I want to risk that anymore anyways.
ANYWHO, the magic moment is approaching...
The one single most vastly important event is fast occurring: Where I am destined either for PROSPERITY or for DEATH. I'm going up to fredericksburg next week to visit some very good friends... Amanda and Eric. Amanda's going to try to hook me up with a job at Geico. A nice, stable desk job. that would be very nice. it would.
the cheapest rent for a one bedroom apartment would be $750.00 a month in fredericksburg... but if I can get full-time employment, even at $7.75 an hour, I'll have maybe $250.00 left over for utilities, food, or whatever.
But, I will live or I will die. It really... doesn't seem to matter much anymore. Who will it make a diference to if 'ol stoney is no-more?
... well, my friends, first of all.. --but I've already established that I'm living for them in the first place!! If I DIDN'T have them, I'd have fled this body or even... done something MORE drastic than even that.
It's funny though; a few months ago I could've sworn this would be a miserable state to be in... but it's not. I feel calm, reserved, patient, and somehow... maybe even ready? well whatever it is, this is the make-or-break, the main event. The fledgeling hawk must learn how to fly.
...if you think I deserve to live, you could help me survive by buying a commission for dirt cheap--you name the price. Even a buck; I don't care, as long as it reaches my paypal. I have so much daily time, I don't know what to do with it all--so fill it with ART! At least for the next two weeks... after that, if I'm not distinctly surviving, I will be distinctly Dying. As in, homeless, penniless.
As I put it to my dear friend Verm Frost:
"I'm okay...
I'm glad to know that you cared... but I'll be okay, whatever happens. Even if you don't hear from me for a long time... I won't regret.
I'll miss you, but I won't regret."
<3
Committed
General | Posted 19 years agoA word of note:
I'm poor. Asking for handouts or donations does not set right with me, not that anybody else here is exactly Richie Rich... But certainly, if the mood crosses your mind that you want to give me money for art or something, know that I am more than willing >_> my mind is completely open to drawing your stuff.
My paypal is thirsty.
Goodness me, why didn't I think to post this months ago...?
*sigh*
SO: Commissions if you want 'em. As cheap as you can afford or as generous as you are willing!
I'm poor. Asking for handouts or donations does not set right with me, not that anybody else here is exactly Richie Rich... But certainly, if the mood crosses your mind that you want to give me money for art or something, know that I am more than willing >_> my mind is completely open to drawing your stuff.
My paypal is thirsty.
Goodness me, why didn't I think to post this months ago...?
*sigh*
SO: Commissions if you want 'em. As cheap as you can afford or as generous as you are willing!
Contemptplation
General | Posted 19 years agoI no longer work at the valley view mall.
I knew this was coming for a long time, but despite my warnings and cautions, complacency always reigned. Always. But now that the job is finally out, the hornet's nest, oh it stirst, yes, as surely as if struck with a stick. Unfortunately, rather than mobilizing my roommates, it seems to have further immobilized them. Rather than ignore the problems, they're rutting themselves into them. And suddenly I see it again: the reflection of myself.
I remember doing this, freaking out because I knew I was supposed to care, and felt worse when trying to blast it out of my mind with games. Come tomorrow, all of the plans my roommate spouted will have disappeared. This is where the reflection fades away.
My roommates... they're the epitome of what I could easily become, and it's... bad. They are Handicapped. She's pacing back and forth whining growling and snarling becuase even though her body knows she has to do something, her mind doesn't want to do anything. It's almost... frightening. It's almost... feral.
Of course I still have even more ugliness beyond even theirs. A part of me is smugly reminding, silently, "That's what they get for putting all their weight on me." "That's what they get for putting all their eggs in my basket." That's what they get for splurging on luxuries when my job is the ONLY INCOME there is, here. Electroluminescent wiring to decorate the car we can't even drive. A faster internet connection than I can even really comprehend. Digital Cable. A Nintendo Wii. Games. MMO Accounts.
And now she's looking back and kicking herself for it, and I am inwardly ruefully shaking my head and... chuckling.
Because, as nice as these things have been--for both of my roommates anyways--I could've lived without them. Not a penny of MY money so far as I knew has gone into it. All I did was cough up five hundred bucks every month. But now I begin to wonder if it was worth it. I'm seriously considering jumping ship and leaving everything exactly the way it is, minus my laptop. come home with nothing to show for my almost-year of absence EXCEPT, perhaps, for a lot of wisdom...
...yes. I have become wiser. I am rather positive I can run my own life better than many people, though perhaps not better than 'most'. I would -like- to go to San Antonio to live with Spiderfox... but I wonder if I might be able to really get college out of the way if I go home? I do miss my parents and my family... And there are some friends who really want me to come home, too.
Well, if all i have to do is tie up loose ends,
then I can. I have time. I could possibly even do it by the end of the month.
And then... maybe, if i'm lucky... I can disappear. Pack up my laptop, and hop that greyhound line back up to MA. I can tell you--comparing MA to VA, VA is better in many ways, but MA is where my family is right now. There are a lot of people who would be glad to see me in MA. That industrial wasteland of brown and grey seems more and more inviting by the day.
Looking back, I got what I came here for. I left home originally to learn how to fend for myself a little and figure out how to influence myself to make moves. Now, the thing that I must seek is people who can encourage me and support me on taking the RIGHT risks. My roommates... feh...
they are complacent.
They are.
If we have one thousand dollars coming in every month, they think it's enough cash to just party and live it up. They've been living like they're well-off while I've been making my slave-wage. If I went back to MA, I wouldn't need to spend on crap. I'd have my internet connection and my wits. I'd like that.
I have also learned why to be selfish. because selfless will only breed contempt. They'll start to expect it of you. Then they'll hold it against you when you get tired. And they'll feel lied to when you reveal that your sincerity was manufactured 'for their benefit', especially when your own misery causes you to collapes. It's not as bad as it could be right now, but I'm about ready to go.
I knew this was coming for a long time, but despite my warnings and cautions, complacency always reigned. Always. But now that the job is finally out, the hornet's nest, oh it stirst, yes, as surely as if struck with a stick. Unfortunately, rather than mobilizing my roommates, it seems to have further immobilized them. Rather than ignore the problems, they're rutting themselves into them. And suddenly I see it again: the reflection of myself.
I remember doing this, freaking out because I knew I was supposed to care, and felt worse when trying to blast it out of my mind with games. Come tomorrow, all of the plans my roommate spouted will have disappeared. This is where the reflection fades away.
My roommates... they're the epitome of what I could easily become, and it's... bad. They are Handicapped. She's pacing back and forth whining growling and snarling becuase even though her body knows she has to do something, her mind doesn't want to do anything. It's almost... frightening. It's almost... feral.
Of course I still have even more ugliness beyond even theirs. A part of me is smugly reminding, silently, "That's what they get for putting all their weight on me." "That's what they get for putting all their eggs in my basket." That's what they get for splurging on luxuries when my job is the ONLY INCOME there is, here. Electroluminescent wiring to decorate the car we can't even drive. A faster internet connection than I can even really comprehend. Digital Cable. A Nintendo Wii. Games. MMO Accounts.
And now she's looking back and kicking herself for it, and I am inwardly ruefully shaking my head and... chuckling.
Because, as nice as these things have been--for both of my roommates anyways--I could've lived without them. Not a penny of MY money so far as I knew has gone into it. All I did was cough up five hundred bucks every month. But now I begin to wonder if it was worth it. I'm seriously considering jumping ship and leaving everything exactly the way it is, minus my laptop. come home with nothing to show for my almost-year of absence EXCEPT, perhaps, for a lot of wisdom...
...yes. I have become wiser. I am rather positive I can run my own life better than many people, though perhaps not better than 'most'. I would -like- to go to San Antonio to live with Spiderfox... but I wonder if I might be able to really get college out of the way if I go home? I do miss my parents and my family... And there are some friends who really want me to come home, too.
Well, if all i have to do is tie up loose ends,
then I can. I have time. I could possibly even do it by the end of the month.
And then... maybe, if i'm lucky... I can disappear. Pack up my laptop, and hop that greyhound line back up to MA. I can tell you--comparing MA to VA, VA is better in many ways, but MA is where my family is right now. There are a lot of people who would be glad to see me in MA. That industrial wasteland of brown and grey seems more and more inviting by the day.
Looking back, I got what I came here for. I left home originally to learn how to fend for myself a little and figure out how to influence myself to make moves. Now, the thing that I must seek is people who can encourage me and support me on taking the RIGHT risks. My roommates... feh...
they are complacent.
They are.
If we have one thousand dollars coming in every month, they think it's enough cash to just party and live it up. They've been living like they're well-off while I've been making my slave-wage. If I went back to MA, I wouldn't need to spend on crap. I'd have my internet connection and my wits. I'd like that.
I have also learned why to be selfish. because selfless will only breed contempt. They'll start to expect it of you. Then they'll hold it against you when you get tired. And they'll feel lied to when you reveal that your sincerity was manufactured 'for their benefit', especially when your own misery causes you to collapes. It's not as bad as it could be right now, but I'm about ready to go.
Right and Wrong; Rite and Wrung; Write and Rung
General | Posted 19 years agoThe difference between Lying and being Incorrect;
The habit of humans to gang up on weakness and strangle it for the pure joy of being a winner;
Having to figure out how to report something you did after finding out you didn't do it correctly... and Ladders.
This will not be a happy journal.
Let me start by saying this:
Everybody loves to catch a liar.
They love catching liars so much, they'll even to go so far as to take it upon themselves to manufacture his lies for him.
...AND HAVE NO IDEA THEY DID IT.
Have you ever had a situation where a bunch of people have sworn on their lives about a fact of something you did that you have not the foggies clue of? It's very disorienting; it makes you doubt a lot of things. Your own sanity--not in the fun cackling maniacally way but in the debilitating impaired function way. The way that makes you starve to death on a street corner. I'm beginning to wonder if it's just crowd mentality hive-mind mutual-mass-hypnosis or something, and it only serves to frighten me -more- that I in fact would rather believe it that way.
I'm trying my best to look at my life, right now, and this very specific situation which I will describe shortly, impartially and from the perspective of an external observer. Namely, the perspectives of the others involved, and to run a 'thought expirement' on what life would be like if it were entirely true.
So, here it goes.
The mall has six roof hatches. Each is up a 20 foot or so ladder and each must be locked by padlock. There was a contractor which had recently used these roof access points in the past day or so, but the person who was writing down the necessary information on which hatch needed to be accessed. So we didn't know. My supervisor told me to check them to see if they are locked. I went to each one, looked up, saw what I THOUGHT was the padlock, and reported "they all appear to be secure." They questioned more specifics and I said, "When I observed, it looked like they were locked." When they asked me if I was sure, I quoted the textbook. "Due to liability reasons, we are not allowed to state unequivically that any access-limiting system is functioning perfectly." or something along those lines, basically 'you know none of us can say that, especially over the radio.'
That was only part of the setup. The next part was the prior events. Sorry to hop around in the timeline. Earlier that day, I asked "Am I to go to mobile patrol?" And Mr. Supervisor said, "Wait until we know exactly who is on the shift this evening." So I waited until we verified who was on the clock, and then went to the security vehicle and commenced mobile patrol.
Oops.
Two hours later, I get called in and he says, "I never told you to go out into mobile. I told you to Wait." --and the fact that the CONDITION that defined the hold was negated had apparantly nothing to do with anything AFTER ALL! And this means that I was being difficult when I brought it up. NO, STONEY. YOU ARE NEVER RIGHT. Fuck. I thought I learned this one already. When they say something, it doesn't matter if they're wrong; they're right because they have the authority to SAY they are, and trying to defend yourself with logic will only make them angry, because they're right, and they know best. After all, that's why THEY'RE supervisors, and YOU'RE not, Stoney.
... sorry. Back on track...
So, already, he had his eye on me today, for directly disobaying orders, I guess. That's what he called it. But he's in charge, so it must be true.
Later, I was back in mobile--this time, he ASKED me to be there, so that's good. I drove around until 9:30 pm when he said for me to come in and assist with lockdown. When I responded, the radio set in the security vehicle got feedback from the talkie handset I usually carry on my belt, so I turned the handset down and responded over the car's radio system. I got out, went in, and proceeded to lock down West Court.
Halfway through lockdown of west court, My supervisor bursts out of Lower Corridor #1, yanks my radio off my belt, cranks the volume up--YES. THERE IT IS! I forgot to turn the volume back up! OH BOY! And then he shoves it into my shoulder and tells me I LIED about checking the roof hatches because two of them were unlocked! So he shoos me off to get the hell up to GNC Entrance to give the Mall Manager a ride to her car, that she's been waiting for WAY too long.
so... lets seee....
1) I went to mobile without being explicitly told I'm supposed to.
2) I was wrong about the roof hatches (but wait there's more--! I'll tell you in a bit.)
3) My radio was turned down to nil volume when he found me.
See, up until that point, my day was going just fine and dandy. I was closing the mall, I was home free; I was about to put the day to rest with satisfaction, go home, and resign my consciousness to oblivion for maybe a dozen hours. It just wasn't meant to be, I guess.
Alright. AGAIN re-tracking...
He tells me that three witnesses AND customer service heard me over the radio saying that I saw the padlock's bar intersecting both loops of all latches concerned. And that's what puzzles me. I specifically did NOT say that. And that's what irks me. I've got three people telling me I did something that I didn't do, and somehow this one small, mostly innocuous act on its own, becomes the cornerstone to a monument of tragic error... and it's a cornerstone that's not even REAL.
He confonted me several times in the security office last night with his little posse of lairs telling me something I didn't say. All of them nodding like bobbleheads as he led them, shepherd and sheep. It is the general consensus of the majority that IS, by definition, Sane, that I am the liar though. But he told me again and again that I LIED about what I saw. As if doing so would convince me. I looked him straight in the eye, and I actually said something I'm kind of proud of. I said: "I will not argue with you over a subjective, individual opinion. I am sorry that I was wrong, but you are not going to tell me what I believed." Calm. Quiet. I didn't think I had it in me.
But hindsight is twenty-twenty. If I actually climbed up there in the first place, I would've realized that no, they WEREN'T locked, and I would've locked them, just as I ended up doing.
I -WAS- at fault, I -AM- at fault, but I am NOT a liar. Yes, the check I performed on the roof hatches was unsatisfactory. I lapsed in judgement when I saw the square, blocky geometry of part of the latching system and assumed it was the padlock, right where it was supposed to be. I lapsed in judgement when I looked up there, figured it was the padlock, and didn't consider climbing all the way up and making sure. Oh sure, I could come up with an excuse that I didn't want to risk breaking my neck six times over, but last night I had to climb up to both of the two hatches I mistook and lock them. Clinging to a straight rigid vertical rungs while trying to fumble a fat, heavy padlock in your hands and work the keys into it... it's kind of creepy, you know?
But now, I have shed every last shred of honor I had in that place, and they're not going to give me the time of day when I show up for my scheduled shift today. I'm going to lose my job. They're going to fire me. And, somehow, I'm kind of hoping they'll at least make it quick and get it over with. Some part of me almost wants to hope that I -do- get fired just so I won't have to put up with seeing any of them ever again. There has always been some kind of guiding force about my job, sticking a thorn into my side whenever I got too complacent. I didn't come to roanoke to work mall security after all, y'know.
... and I've been awake till now because I couldn't sleep. Too much worry.
... go figure.
The habit of humans to gang up on weakness and strangle it for the pure joy of being a winner;
Having to figure out how to report something you did after finding out you didn't do it correctly... and Ladders.
This will not be a happy journal.
Let me start by saying this:
Everybody loves to catch a liar.
They love catching liars so much, they'll even to go so far as to take it upon themselves to manufacture his lies for him.
...AND HAVE NO IDEA THEY DID IT.
Have you ever had a situation where a bunch of people have sworn on their lives about a fact of something you did that you have not the foggies clue of? It's very disorienting; it makes you doubt a lot of things. Your own sanity--not in the fun cackling maniacally way but in the debilitating impaired function way. The way that makes you starve to death on a street corner. I'm beginning to wonder if it's just crowd mentality hive-mind mutual-mass-hypnosis or something, and it only serves to frighten me -more- that I in fact would rather believe it that way.
I'm trying my best to look at my life, right now, and this very specific situation which I will describe shortly, impartially and from the perspective of an external observer. Namely, the perspectives of the others involved, and to run a 'thought expirement' on what life would be like if it were entirely true.
So, here it goes.
The mall has six roof hatches. Each is up a 20 foot or so ladder and each must be locked by padlock. There was a contractor which had recently used these roof access points in the past day or so, but the person who was writing down the necessary information on which hatch needed to be accessed. So we didn't know. My supervisor told me to check them to see if they are locked. I went to each one, looked up, saw what I THOUGHT was the padlock, and reported "they all appear to be secure." They questioned more specifics and I said, "When I observed, it looked like they were locked." When they asked me if I was sure, I quoted the textbook. "Due to liability reasons, we are not allowed to state unequivically that any access-limiting system is functioning perfectly." or something along those lines, basically 'you know none of us can say that, especially over the radio.'
That was only part of the setup. The next part was the prior events. Sorry to hop around in the timeline. Earlier that day, I asked "Am I to go to mobile patrol?" And Mr. Supervisor said, "Wait until we know exactly who is on the shift this evening." So I waited until we verified who was on the clock, and then went to the security vehicle and commenced mobile patrol.
Oops.
Two hours later, I get called in and he says, "I never told you to go out into mobile. I told you to Wait." --and the fact that the CONDITION that defined the hold was negated had apparantly nothing to do with anything AFTER ALL! And this means that I was being difficult when I brought it up. NO, STONEY. YOU ARE NEVER RIGHT. Fuck. I thought I learned this one already. When they say something, it doesn't matter if they're wrong; they're right because they have the authority to SAY they are, and trying to defend yourself with logic will only make them angry, because they're right, and they know best. After all, that's why THEY'RE supervisors, and YOU'RE not, Stoney.
... sorry. Back on track...
So, already, he had his eye on me today, for directly disobaying orders, I guess. That's what he called it. But he's in charge, so it must be true.
Later, I was back in mobile--this time, he ASKED me to be there, so that's good. I drove around until 9:30 pm when he said for me to come in and assist with lockdown. When I responded, the radio set in the security vehicle got feedback from the talkie handset I usually carry on my belt, so I turned the handset down and responded over the car's radio system. I got out, went in, and proceeded to lock down West Court.
Halfway through lockdown of west court, My supervisor bursts out of Lower Corridor #1, yanks my radio off my belt, cranks the volume up--YES. THERE IT IS! I forgot to turn the volume back up! OH BOY! And then he shoves it into my shoulder and tells me I LIED about checking the roof hatches because two of them were unlocked! So he shoos me off to get the hell up to GNC Entrance to give the Mall Manager a ride to her car, that she's been waiting for WAY too long.
so... lets seee....
1) I went to mobile without being explicitly told I'm supposed to.
2) I was wrong about the roof hatches (but wait there's more--! I'll tell you in a bit.)
3) My radio was turned down to nil volume when he found me.
See, up until that point, my day was going just fine and dandy. I was closing the mall, I was home free; I was about to put the day to rest with satisfaction, go home, and resign my consciousness to oblivion for maybe a dozen hours. It just wasn't meant to be, I guess.
Alright. AGAIN re-tracking...
He tells me that three witnesses AND customer service heard me over the radio saying that I saw the padlock's bar intersecting both loops of all latches concerned. And that's what puzzles me. I specifically did NOT say that. And that's what irks me. I've got three people telling me I did something that I didn't do, and somehow this one small, mostly innocuous act on its own, becomes the cornerstone to a monument of tragic error... and it's a cornerstone that's not even REAL.
He confonted me several times in the security office last night with his little posse of lairs telling me something I didn't say. All of them nodding like bobbleheads as he led them, shepherd and sheep. It is the general consensus of the majority that IS, by definition, Sane, that I am the liar though. But he told me again and again that I LIED about what I saw. As if doing so would convince me. I looked him straight in the eye, and I actually said something I'm kind of proud of. I said: "I will not argue with you over a subjective, individual opinion. I am sorry that I was wrong, but you are not going to tell me what I believed." Calm. Quiet. I didn't think I had it in me.
But hindsight is twenty-twenty. If I actually climbed up there in the first place, I would've realized that no, they WEREN'T locked, and I would've locked them, just as I ended up doing.
I -WAS- at fault, I -AM- at fault, but I am NOT a liar. Yes, the check I performed on the roof hatches was unsatisfactory. I lapsed in judgement when I saw the square, blocky geometry of part of the latching system and assumed it was the padlock, right where it was supposed to be. I lapsed in judgement when I looked up there, figured it was the padlock, and didn't consider climbing all the way up and making sure. Oh sure, I could come up with an excuse that I didn't want to risk breaking my neck six times over, but last night I had to climb up to both of the two hatches I mistook and lock them. Clinging to a straight rigid vertical rungs while trying to fumble a fat, heavy padlock in your hands and work the keys into it... it's kind of creepy, you know?
But now, I have shed every last shred of honor I had in that place, and they're not going to give me the time of day when I show up for my scheduled shift today. I'm going to lose my job. They're going to fire me. And, somehow, I'm kind of hoping they'll at least make it quick and get it over with. Some part of me almost wants to hope that I -do- get fired just so I won't have to put up with seeing any of them ever again. There has always been some kind of guiding force about my job, sticking a thorn into my side whenever I got too complacent. I didn't come to roanoke to work mall security after all, y'know.
... and I've been awake till now because I couldn't sleep. Too much worry.
... go figure.
To Anonymous...
General | Posted 19 years ago...
very few things take the wind out of my indignation sails quite like the honesty, simplicity, and hope within your every word. I need to thank you for that, and apologize for mucking up your page with my hate. I don't like that I came to speaking so harshly, and amid the tirades of indignation and rage, I see now that the point of what I have attempted to say has been lost.
Hurtful people are irrecoverable. They'll use you until they have what they want; then they can manufacture anger, blame, and resentment to get rid of you once it's all said and done. If they aren't hurtful, if you just tell them you'll miss them and that all will be forgiven before giving them the long goodbye, they will eventually reconsider the lack of reason and return. If they're reasonable people, they'll even make up their own reasons to speak to you again, if only for the lingering need to tie loose ends.
I have repeatedly reminded myself that I have never had the opportunity to know you personally and perhaps I never will.
I have to write myself a reality check whenever I speak to an artist I respect so much.
And I know it is distinctly -not- my place to 'protect' you...
But all Gods and Nations be damned; I don't want you to be hurting, <name deleted for privacy>!! ;_;
I -want- an excuse to care. I must acknowledge now: The only reason I try to toss in my two cents on these journal posts or in your art is because I wish I could at least have a hope that something I say or do might have at least a meager positive influence; that even if the advice is bad, I can be reassured in knowing that you're wise enough to know whether or not to take it.
I don't even see you as much of a victim; there is a difference between a bullseye and a shield. The values you hold and the virtue you represent place you among the ranks of heroes in my mind. Sweet, generous, caring, insightful, sensitive... I can't imagine a person who would make a better friend. That's furthermore why it can disturb me so much that there is trouble or lacking anywhere in your life.
...i'm sorry I'm such a pain for writing such sappy, sentimental drivel, especially about you. I'd understand completely if you'd be creeped out by now. It has been incredibly hard keeping these feelings to myself if only for the hope that they do not upset you. I pray they will not, now.
with love and respect,
Stoney
very few things take the wind out of my indignation sails quite like the honesty, simplicity, and hope within your every word. I need to thank you for that, and apologize for mucking up your page with my hate. I don't like that I came to speaking so harshly, and amid the tirades of indignation and rage, I see now that the point of what I have attempted to say has been lost.
Hurtful people are irrecoverable. They'll use you until they have what they want; then they can manufacture anger, blame, and resentment to get rid of you once it's all said and done. If they aren't hurtful, if you just tell them you'll miss them and that all will be forgiven before giving them the long goodbye, they will eventually reconsider the lack of reason and return. If they're reasonable people, they'll even make up their own reasons to speak to you again, if only for the lingering need to tie loose ends.
I have repeatedly reminded myself that I have never had the opportunity to know you personally and perhaps I never will.
I have to write myself a reality check whenever I speak to an artist I respect so much.
And I know it is distinctly -not- my place to 'protect' you...
But all Gods and Nations be damned; I don't want you to be hurting, <name deleted for privacy>!! ;_;
I -want- an excuse to care. I must acknowledge now: The only reason I try to toss in my two cents on these journal posts or in your art is because I wish I could at least have a hope that something I say or do might have at least a meager positive influence; that even if the advice is bad, I can be reassured in knowing that you're wise enough to know whether or not to take it.
I don't even see you as much of a victim; there is a difference between a bullseye and a shield. The values you hold and the virtue you represent place you among the ranks of heroes in my mind. Sweet, generous, caring, insightful, sensitive... I can't imagine a person who would make a better friend. That's furthermore why it can disturb me so much that there is trouble or lacking anywhere in your life.
...i'm sorry I'm such a pain for writing such sappy, sentimental drivel, especially about you. I'd understand completely if you'd be creeped out by now. It has been incredibly hard keeping these feelings to myself if only for the hope that they do not upset you. I pray they will not, now.
with love and respect,
Stoney
Depressing
General | Posted 19 years agoI just saw two amazingly talented artists get their names dragged through the dirt. Apparantly, nowadays the only thing that motivates is cruelty. Even in the victims; the mad glint of spite and righteous indignation in their eyes, not 'how could you...?' but 'how DARE you!' --It's a little taxing on the spirit. It's funny how much can be said for human nature just by these little bits and pieces of hauntingly familliar observation. You know who else drudges up lies and hatred for ammunition? The church. All churches. Nothing is sacred. Everything is a weapon, every syllable on every spoken word can be construed toward hurt. Sometimes I begin to wonder if peole look for pain, just so they can join the fun of the blame game. I've known people who have fully embraced and been overcome by passive-aggression, where it doesn't matter what you say to them, it'll be your fault for saying it. So hopeless. So hopeless.
And yet, I derive some sick, sadistic glee from continuing to hope, from pulling out the popcorn as I watch the funeral processions. My gods, how easy it is to inject yourself with Mirth if you really, -really- want to. Sure it's fake, but a lot of things are fake... why not just a little more fakeness here and there? Eventually the bad charicatures and cruel mimicries will be so indistinguishable, they might as well be truth, and while everyone else will be too stubborn and ignorant to realize it's all gone to shit, I'll be giggling madly in the corner with the frozen plastic grin--and the worst part will be having to figure out whether I'll actually be lucid enough to enjoy how much it will creep the everloving fuck out of everyone around me.
I have seen no war, no violence; the worst spillage of blood I'd laid eyes on is my own nose-bleeds and the good-intentioned reproductions of horror flicks... but after watching, noting, and waiting, I can tell you that yes, your worst fears are indeed true: Humans really are just raving, squealing feral animals programmed to believe they're something special. We wear a clever mask of 'civility', just a few handy little shortcuts here and there that manage to make our conflicts more 'efficient' by way of less bloodiness, and you'll never see this vicious, rabid, mindless cruelty with any further eye-tearing, blinding-white clarity than within the innocent observation of a young child telling the truth about someone. I'm sure you recall what not to say in front of the toddlers--they'll repeat it, you know...
... Why must I always look at the big picture, though?
There must be something about it that I enjoy. There has to be.
I just wish I knew what it WAS... *twitch*.
And yet, I derive some sick, sadistic glee from continuing to hope, from pulling out the popcorn as I watch the funeral processions. My gods, how easy it is to inject yourself with Mirth if you really, -really- want to. Sure it's fake, but a lot of things are fake... why not just a little more fakeness here and there? Eventually the bad charicatures and cruel mimicries will be so indistinguishable, they might as well be truth, and while everyone else will be too stubborn and ignorant to realize it's all gone to shit, I'll be giggling madly in the corner with the frozen plastic grin--and the worst part will be having to figure out whether I'll actually be lucid enough to enjoy how much it will creep the everloving fuck out of everyone around me.
I have seen no war, no violence; the worst spillage of blood I'd laid eyes on is my own nose-bleeds and the good-intentioned reproductions of horror flicks... but after watching, noting, and waiting, I can tell you that yes, your worst fears are indeed true: Humans really are just raving, squealing feral animals programmed to believe they're something special. We wear a clever mask of 'civility', just a few handy little shortcuts here and there that manage to make our conflicts more 'efficient' by way of less bloodiness, and you'll never see this vicious, rabid, mindless cruelty with any further eye-tearing, blinding-white clarity than within the innocent observation of a young child telling the truth about someone. I'm sure you recall what not to say in front of the toddlers--they'll repeat it, you know...
... Why must I always look at the big picture, though?
There must be something about it that I enjoy. There has to be.
I just wish I knew what it WAS... *twitch*.
Bandwagonizations
General | Posted 19 years agoAn unbeknownst (until she sees it of course) gift from 
mai
A FEW QUESTIONS FOR YOU:
1. Can you cook?
2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. Are you Dirty or Clean?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
HERE COMES THE FUN...
1. How did we meet?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Negative or Optimistic?
4. What was your dream growing up?
5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
6. What was your first impression of me?
7. Tell me one weird fact about you:
8. Whats your favorite memory of us?
9. What would we do if we met up?
10. Have you ever kept anything from me?
11. What do you think of me as a Person?
12. Do you think I'm sane or insane?
13. Would you cry for me if I died?
14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. How do you fall asleep?
17. Ever gotten angry with me?
18. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?
19. If you had one day to live, what would you do?
20. A million bucks.. what would you do with it?
21. What is your worst fear?
22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
23. Can you sing or dance?
24. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest...
25. Will you repost this so I can fill it out ?
maiA FEW QUESTIONS FOR YOU:
1. Can you cook?
2. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator?
3. What talent do you wish you had?
4. Favorite place?
5. Favorite vegetable?
6. What was the last book you read?
7. Are you Dirty or Clean?
8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?
9. Worst Habit?
HERE COMES THE FUN...
1. How did we meet?
2. What's your philosophy on life?
3. Negative or Optimistic?
4. What was your dream growing up?
5. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
6. What was your first impression of me?
7. Tell me one weird fact about you:
8. Whats your favorite memory of us?
9. What would we do if we met up?
10. Have you ever kept anything from me?
11. What do you think of me as a Person?
12. Do you think I'm sane or insane?
13. Would you cry for me if I died?
14. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. How do you fall asleep?
17. Ever gotten angry with me?
18. Would you go on a blind date if I set you up?
19. If you had one day to live, what would you do?
20. A million bucks.. what would you do with it?
21. What is your worst fear?
22. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
23. Can you sing or dance?
24. In one word, how would you describe me? Be honest...
25. Will you repost this so I can fill it out ?
Night Out wif teh Furrehz
General | Posted 19 years agoSO yesterday was Meetup day ^^
Who was there?
Eight of us in total, one shoing up later on and two visiting but curious not-furres(-yet).
I'd do a roll call but...
...awshiti'mhorrible with names :(
We went to Salem!
fennecwolfox took us to this totally SWEET chinese and mongolian buffet. For six bucks, this food was AMAZING. GODS DAMN! I don't get anywhere NEAR that -quality- (let alone quantity!) at the Mall... IT'S NOT FAIR ;_;
I didn't have time or stomach space to try Everything...
Then we went to this really neat 'family entertainment center' called Thunder Valley... It had one of the last arcades in the roanoke area, plus miniature golf, batting cages, and go-karts. I foolishly bought ten dollars' worth of arcade tokens... x.x it's mostly because, back in the day when I was a kid and living with my parents, they would've never let me get that many... they would've bristled at five bucks, even three.
I managed to BEAT several games... but ONLY because I put in multiple credits... but there is this SERIOUSLY ROCKIN' mech combat game... The graphacs were seriously OLD, like 1993, but the controls were FASCINATING. dual 3-axis joysticks... I kind of wish I had more practice with the control scheme. Fennec totally kicked my ass thrice running x.x and started taking challenges from the rest of us. I walked away >_>; too much fer meh.
We 'acquired' some golfballs XD and played Fetch. I don't know what it is about my 'pack', but... I lose inhibitions around them. and the best part is... they do too o.o and none of us mind! It's at times like this where I realize, I LOVE BEING A FURRY. I LOVE being who I am! No doubts, NO REGRETS, this is me :D
(I still have my golfball! It's PURPLE :D)
We went to the park to see Fennec off to work--he had to go in at Five.. and me, dusky, Justin (yeah, that's his name...), and his human friend (we consider him a closet-coyote... hehehe) started to gather sticks into one of the unused barbecue pits. AT FIRST we were trying to be secretive and only burn shit to indulge our pyromaniacal urges... but the fire grew and grew, and the air was getting chilly again, so we decided to keep it. It was a fine blaze...
But then, just as Justin, Friend in Tow, were about to leave to pick up (... aw shit i can't remember his name ;_; I'm sorry!! ) a FIRE TRUCK and like, THREE POLICE CRUISERS came TEARING around the corner, stopped, looked at us, and communicated quite precisely thus:
"...WTF? ..."
Not at us. They were confused.
...because, as they told us, someone called them about some UNCONTROLLABLE BLAZE OF ARMAGEDDON that was pouring out of the firepit and catching on the trees and the pavillion... but that wasn't the case. They apologized almost as profusely as WE did. Then they wished us a grand evening, and departed. Some stupid fuck is going to get seriously chastized for filing a false report! HAR HAR.
Apparantly there's a problem with five guys enjoying a warm fire.
But, however, the salem fire marshall did suggest we get something to cook, as these were intended to be cooking fires. So, we asked Justin to pick up some hot dogs, buns, cook prongs, soda, and marshmallows while they're out picking up the last one of us that wanted to show up.
Dusk and I were left alone there for about two hours... and really... it was nice. We talked about many things. He seemed a little ... distant when I first met him, but he's actually really awesome, very patient, open-minded, and sophisticated. BEST PART is... he DIGS the church of the SubGenius! HE GETS IT! I think he really grasps the essence of what it's for. I won't try to explain it to someone outside of in-person though >_>
When the hot dogs arrived, it occurred to me that I haven't done this in... far longer than I can remember... When was the last time I had an open fire over which to roast marshmallows? More than five years, surely... It was so familliar, but mostly because it appeals to the kinds of primal instinct that came with our evolution. We ascended with the Flame by our side. Our exclusive ability to take many raw materials from around us and Synthesize a chemical reaction--control it and sustain it, even... there's something primal in our genetic programming that makes the use of Raw Fire in the preparation of edibles (or anything) ... a ritual to be respected, a time-honored tradition.
I have never tasted something so satisfying in my life as whe I roasted a hotdog near the embers and bit right in. It was the perfect temperature, the ideal composition... it's as if by cooking on stoves and in microwaves, we have sadly diluted the intensity of the experience; by taking it out of exclusive control, we have lost some level of understanding of when 'done is done'. i think it's something we all recognized.
...but what killed me... was the fact that Fennec couldn't be with us. It is my only and deepest regret that we couldn't share this with him. He needed to work, after all, and he would be getting out at Ten, which was exactly when the park Closed...
I seriously missed him during this. I mean, it WAS fun, but... fun had without him? What good is it? ... I retained my ability to enjoy it by enjoying it For him. I sacrificed two marshmallows to the Fire Gods for him ^^
When the night was drawing to a close, at about 9:45, we decided to finish the fire and go try to intercept fennec at the WalMart (he works in FURnature, the emphasis being why he can tolerate that department XD). I went in to look for him, but I couldn't locate him x.x Looking at my watch, it was 10:05 by the time I was in there and thought 'he must be on his way to his car...' so, I decided to go back to the parking lot and wait in Dusk's car.
He came out and saw us and was like "WTF!?" as, he thought we all went home without him! His face was PRICELESS!! And the BEST PART was... he brought YooHoo drinks and Baby Bell Cheeses!!!!! YESHH!!! *VICTORIOUS ARM-FLAIL!!*
We decided to call it a night though, because there had been some precipitation... there was purportedly flurries and sleet on the highway Fennec had to take. I didn't want to oblige him to drive me home through that shit, so I decided to take Dusk's offer for a ride back to my appartment.
On the way back, me and Dusk discussed Religeon... Where I gave him my "Tastey Pie" metaphore. He said it was the clearest description he had ever heard XD Hearing that must've been the icing on today's cake.
NUGGETS OF WISDOM I HAVE COLLECTED ON THIS TRIP:
*"WACKY-WAVING-INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING-TUBE-MAN!!!!"
*"I'd rather Die on My Paws than Live on My Feet."
*"You know what's disgusting, essentially WRONG, and completely lacking of any moral value?" "...The true face of the catholic church?"
*"It's not that I'm finding I'm not as insane as I thought I was... It's that MY insanity is more comfortable among Y'ALL."
We resolved to do this again Next weekend. GODS I HOPE SO.
:D:D:D:D:D
Who was there?
Eight of us in total, one shoing up later on and two visiting but curious not-furres(-yet).
I'd do a roll call but...
...awshiti'mhorrible with names :(
We went to Salem!
fennecwolfox took us to this totally SWEET chinese and mongolian buffet. For six bucks, this food was AMAZING. GODS DAMN! I don't get anywhere NEAR that -quality- (let alone quantity!) at the Mall... IT'S NOT FAIR ;_;I didn't have time or stomach space to try Everything...
Then we went to this really neat 'family entertainment center' called Thunder Valley... It had one of the last arcades in the roanoke area, plus miniature golf, batting cages, and go-karts. I foolishly bought ten dollars' worth of arcade tokens... x.x it's mostly because, back in the day when I was a kid and living with my parents, they would've never let me get that many... they would've bristled at five bucks, even three.
I managed to BEAT several games... but ONLY because I put in multiple credits... but there is this SERIOUSLY ROCKIN' mech combat game... The graphacs were seriously OLD, like 1993, but the controls were FASCINATING. dual 3-axis joysticks... I kind of wish I had more practice with the control scheme. Fennec totally kicked my ass thrice running x.x and started taking challenges from the rest of us. I walked away >_>; too much fer meh.
We 'acquired' some golfballs XD and played Fetch. I don't know what it is about my 'pack', but... I lose inhibitions around them. and the best part is... they do too o.o and none of us mind! It's at times like this where I realize, I LOVE BEING A FURRY. I LOVE being who I am! No doubts, NO REGRETS, this is me :D
(I still have my golfball! It's PURPLE :D)
We went to the park to see Fennec off to work--he had to go in at Five.. and me, dusky, Justin (yeah, that's his name...), and his human friend (we consider him a closet-coyote... hehehe) started to gather sticks into one of the unused barbecue pits. AT FIRST we were trying to be secretive and only burn shit to indulge our pyromaniacal urges... but the fire grew and grew, and the air was getting chilly again, so we decided to keep it. It was a fine blaze...
But then, just as Justin, Friend in Tow, were about to leave to pick up (... aw shit i can't remember his name ;_; I'm sorry!! ) a FIRE TRUCK and like, THREE POLICE CRUISERS came TEARING around the corner, stopped, looked at us, and communicated quite precisely thus:
"...WTF? ..."
Not at us. They were confused.
...because, as they told us, someone called them about some UNCONTROLLABLE BLAZE OF ARMAGEDDON that was pouring out of the firepit and catching on the trees and the pavillion... but that wasn't the case. They apologized almost as profusely as WE did. Then they wished us a grand evening, and departed. Some stupid fuck is going to get seriously chastized for filing a false report! HAR HAR.
Apparantly there's a problem with five guys enjoying a warm fire.
But, however, the salem fire marshall did suggest we get something to cook, as these were intended to be cooking fires. So, we asked Justin to pick up some hot dogs, buns, cook prongs, soda, and marshmallows while they're out picking up the last one of us that wanted to show up.
Dusk and I were left alone there for about two hours... and really... it was nice. We talked about many things. He seemed a little ... distant when I first met him, but he's actually really awesome, very patient, open-minded, and sophisticated. BEST PART is... he DIGS the church of the SubGenius! HE GETS IT! I think he really grasps the essence of what it's for. I won't try to explain it to someone outside of in-person though >_>
When the hot dogs arrived, it occurred to me that I haven't done this in... far longer than I can remember... When was the last time I had an open fire over which to roast marshmallows? More than five years, surely... It was so familliar, but mostly because it appeals to the kinds of primal instinct that came with our evolution. We ascended with the Flame by our side. Our exclusive ability to take many raw materials from around us and Synthesize a chemical reaction--control it and sustain it, even... there's something primal in our genetic programming that makes the use of Raw Fire in the preparation of edibles (or anything) ... a ritual to be respected, a time-honored tradition.
I have never tasted something so satisfying in my life as whe I roasted a hotdog near the embers and bit right in. It was the perfect temperature, the ideal composition... it's as if by cooking on stoves and in microwaves, we have sadly diluted the intensity of the experience; by taking it out of exclusive control, we have lost some level of understanding of when 'done is done'. i think it's something we all recognized.
...but what killed me... was the fact that Fennec couldn't be with us. It is my only and deepest regret that we couldn't share this with him. He needed to work, after all, and he would be getting out at Ten, which was exactly when the park Closed...
I seriously missed him during this. I mean, it WAS fun, but... fun had without him? What good is it? ... I retained my ability to enjoy it by enjoying it For him. I sacrificed two marshmallows to the Fire Gods for him ^^
When the night was drawing to a close, at about 9:45, we decided to finish the fire and go try to intercept fennec at the WalMart (he works in FURnature, the emphasis being why he can tolerate that department XD). I went in to look for him, but I couldn't locate him x.x Looking at my watch, it was 10:05 by the time I was in there and thought 'he must be on his way to his car...' so, I decided to go back to the parking lot and wait in Dusk's car.
He came out and saw us and was like "WTF!?" as, he thought we all went home without him! His face was PRICELESS!! And the BEST PART was... he brought YooHoo drinks and Baby Bell Cheeses!!!!! YESHH!!! *VICTORIOUS ARM-FLAIL!!*
We decided to call it a night though, because there had been some precipitation... there was purportedly flurries and sleet on the highway Fennec had to take. I didn't want to oblige him to drive me home through that shit, so I decided to take Dusk's offer for a ride back to my appartment.
On the way back, me and Dusk discussed Religeon... Where I gave him my "Tastey Pie" metaphore. He said it was the clearest description he had ever heard XD Hearing that must've been the icing on today's cake.
NUGGETS OF WISDOM I HAVE COLLECTED ON THIS TRIP:
*"WACKY-WAVING-INFLATABLE-ARM-FLAILING-TUBE-MAN!!!!"
*"I'd rather Die on My Paws than Live on My Feet."
*"You know what's disgusting, essentially WRONG, and completely lacking of any moral value?" "...The true face of the catholic church?"
*"It's not that I'm finding I'm not as insane as I thought I was... It's that MY insanity is more comfortable among Y'ALL."
We resolved to do this again Next weekend. GODS I HOPE SO.
:D:D:D:D:D
"Projecture"
General | Posted 19 years agoWe just got a projector. And now... our WALL... is THE BIGGEST TV SCREEN IN THE APARTMENT COMPLEX.
HOLYBLOODYMOTHEROFFUCKINGJESUSFLAMINGREFRIEDCHRISTFISHBISCUITSONASTICK IT. IS. BEAUTIFUL. My roommate loaded OBLIVION! And... and... it was like... it was like I could WALK up to the wall and STEP INSIDE @.@ IT was LARGER THAN LIFE. Or even... Exactly Life-Sized. We watched the secret of NIMH too, and... *shivers* I felt like I was Mouse-Sized @.@ It covers your ENTIRE field of vision except for the far periphery and because it's not RIGHT UP AGAINST YOUR FACE, your mind corrects for all distances... it's... it's... insane. almost WRONG how awesome it is x.x
I wish I could take pictures for you ;_;
HOLYBLOODYMOTHEROFFUCKINGJESUSFLAMINGREFRIEDCHRISTFISHBISCUITSONASTICK IT. IS. BEAUTIFUL. My roommate loaded OBLIVION! And... and... it was like... it was like I could WALK up to the wall and STEP INSIDE @.@ IT was LARGER THAN LIFE. Or even... Exactly Life-Sized. We watched the secret of NIMH too, and... *shivers* I felt like I was Mouse-Sized @.@ It covers your ENTIRE field of vision except for the far periphery and because it's not RIGHT UP AGAINST YOUR FACE, your mind corrects for all distances... it's... it's... insane. almost WRONG how awesome it is x.x
I wish I could take pictures for you ;_;
A Meme on Rating Life by Movies? Sure, why not!
General | Posted 19 years ago If you've seen 85 or more of these you have no life...
(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
(O) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(O) Airplane
(O) Braveheart
Total: 7
(X) The Princess Bride
(O) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
(O) Labyrinth
(O) Saw
(O) Saw II
(O) White Noise
(O) White Oleander
(O) Anger Management
(O) 50 First Dates
(O) The Princess Diaries
(O) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
total: 2
(O) Scream
(O) Scream 2
(O) Scream 3
(O) Scary Movie
(O) Scary Movie 2
(O) Scary Movie 3
(O) Scary Movie 4
(O) American Pie
(O) American Pie 2
(O) American Wedding
(O) American Pie Band Camp
Total: 0
(X) Harry Potter 1
(X) Harry Potter 2
(X) Harry Potter 3
(O) Harry Potter 4
(O) Resident Evil
(O) Resident Evil 2
(O) The Wedding Singer
(O) Little Black Book
(O) The Village
(O) Lilo & Stitch
(O) Finding Nemo
(O) Finding Neverland
(O) Signs
(O) The Grinch
(O) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(O) White Chicks
(O) Butterfly Effect
(O) 13 Going on 30
(X) I, Robot
(O) Roots
Total: 4
(O) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(X) Universal Soldier
(O) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(O) Along Came Polly
(O) Deep Impact
(O) KingPin
(O) Never Been Kissed
(O) Meet The Parents
(O) Meet the Fockers
(O) Eight Crazy Nights
(X) Joe Dirt
(O) King Kong
Total: 1
(O) A Cinderella Story
(O) The Terminal
(O) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(O) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
(X) Dumber & Dumberer
(O) Final Destination
(O) Final Destination 2
(O) Final Destination 3
(O) Halloween
(O) The Ring
(O) The Ring 2
(O) Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber
Total: 3
(O) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(O) Practical Magic
(O) Chicago
(O) Ghost Ship
(O) From Hell
(O) Hellboy
(O) Secret Window
(O) I Am Sam
(X) The Whole Nine Yards
Total: 1
(O) The Day After Tomorrow
(O) Child's Play
(O) Child's Play 2
(O) Bride of Chucky
(O) Seed of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(O) Just Married
(O) Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
(O) Remember the Titans
(O) Coach Carter
(O) The Grudge
(x) The Mask
(X) Son Of The Mask
Total: 5
(O) Bad Boys 2
(O) Joy Ride
(O) Lucky Number Sleven
(O) Ocean's Eleven
(O) Ocean's Twelve
(O) Identity
(O) Lone Star
(O) Bedazzled
(O) Predator
(O) Predator II
(O) The Fog (Original)
(X) Ice Age
(O) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(O) Curious George
Total: 1
(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
(O) A Bronx Tale
(O) Darkness Falls
(O) Christine
(X) ET
(O) Children of the Corn
(O) My Boss's Daughter
(O) Maid in Manhattan
(O) Frailty
(X) War of the Worlds
(X) Rush Hour
(X) Rush Hour 2
Total: 6
(X) My Best Friend's Wedding
(O) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(O) She's All That
(O) Calendar Girls
(O) Sideways
(X) Mars Attacks
(O) Event Horizon
(O) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
(O) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
(O) The Terminator 3
Total: 6
(X) X-Men
(X) X2
(O) X-Men 3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
(O) Sky High
(O) Jeepers Creepers
(O) Jeepers Creepers 2
(O) Catch Me If You Can
(O) The Others
(O) Freaky Friday
(O) Reign of fire
(O) The Skulls
(O) Cruel Intentions
(O) Cruel Intentions 2
(O) The Hot Chick
(O) Shrek
(O) Shrek 2
Total: 4
(X) Swimfan
(O) Miracle
(O) Old School
(O) The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
(X) Krippendorf's Tribe
(O) A Walk to Remember
(O) Ice Castles
(O) Boogeyman
(O) The 40-year-old-virgin
Total: 3
Overall Total = 43
WHAT THE FUCK!! NO! LIES!
LIES GOD DAMMIT! LIIIIEEEESSSS!!! I CANNOT HAVE A LIFE! IT... IT'S NOT TRUE.. !!! IT'S IM POSSIBLE!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..........................
*thirty minutes later*
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..............................!!!!!!
*COUGHGAG*
...Well, fuck. Looks like I've got some movie watchin' ta do.
I still have JUST UNDER half a life to lose, dammit!!
(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
(O) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(O) Airplane
(O) Braveheart
Total: 7
(X) The Princess Bride
(O) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
(O) Labyrinth
(O) Saw
(O) Saw II
(O) White Noise
(O) White Oleander
(O) Anger Management
(O) 50 First Dates
(O) The Princess Diaries
(O) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
total: 2
(O) Scream
(O) Scream 2
(O) Scream 3
(O) Scary Movie
(O) Scary Movie 2
(O) Scary Movie 3
(O) Scary Movie 4
(O) American Pie
(O) American Pie 2
(O) American Wedding
(O) American Pie Band Camp
Total: 0
(X) Harry Potter 1
(X) Harry Potter 2
(X) Harry Potter 3
(O) Harry Potter 4
(O) Resident Evil
(O) Resident Evil 2
(O) The Wedding Singer
(O) Little Black Book
(O) The Village
(O) Lilo & Stitch
(O) Finding Nemo
(O) Finding Neverland
(O) Signs
(O) The Grinch
(O) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(O) White Chicks
(O) Butterfly Effect
(O) 13 Going on 30
(X) I, Robot
(O) Roots
Total: 4
(O) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(X) Universal Soldier
(O) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(O) Along Came Polly
(O) Deep Impact
(O) KingPin
(O) Never Been Kissed
(O) Meet The Parents
(O) Meet the Fockers
(O) Eight Crazy Nights
(X) Joe Dirt
(O) King Kong
Total: 1
(O) A Cinderella Story
(O) The Terminal
(O) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(O) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
(X) Dumber & Dumberer
(O) Final Destination
(O) Final Destination 2
(O) Final Destination 3
(O) Halloween
(O) The Ring
(O) The Ring 2
(O) Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber
Total: 3
(O) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(O) Practical Magic
(O) Chicago
(O) Ghost Ship
(O) From Hell
(O) Hellboy
(O) Secret Window
(O) I Am Sam
(X) The Whole Nine Yards
Total: 1
(O) The Day After Tomorrow
(O) Child's Play
(O) Child's Play 2
(O) Bride of Chucky
(O) Seed of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(O) Just Married
(O) Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
(O) Remember the Titans
(O) Coach Carter
(O) The Grudge
(x) The Mask
(X) Son Of The Mask
Total: 5
(O) Bad Boys 2
(O) Joy Ride
(O) Lucky Number Sleven
(O) Ocean's Eleven
(O) Ocean's Twelve
(O) Identity
(O) Lone Star
(O) Bedazzled
(O) Predator
(O) Predator II
(O) The Fog (Original)
(X) Ice Age
(O) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(O) Curious George
Total: 1
(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
(O) A Bronx Tale
(O) Darkness Falls
(O) Christine
(X) ET
(O) Children of the Corn
(O) My Boss's Daughter
(O) Maid in Manhattan
(O) Frailty
(X) War of the Worlds
(X) Rush Hour
(X) Rush Hour 2
Total: 6
(X) My Best Friend's Wedding
(O) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(O) She's All That
(O) Calendar Girls
(O) Sideways
(X) Mars Attacks
(O) Event Horizon
(O) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
(O) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
(O) The Terminator 3
Total: 6
(X) X-Men
(X) X2
(O) X-Men 3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
(O) Sky High
(O) Jeepers Creepers
(O) Jeepers Creepers 2
(O) Catch Me If You Can
(O) The Others
(O) Freaky Friday
(O) Reign of fire
(O) The Skulls
(O) Cruel Intentions
(O) Cruel Intentions 2
(O) The Hot Chick
(O) Shrek
(O) Shrek 2
Total: 4
(X) Swimfan
(O) Miracle
(O) Old School
(O) The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
(X) Krippendorf's Tribe
(O) A Walk to Remember
(O) Ice Castles
(O) Boogeyman
(O) The 40-year-old-virgin
Total: 3
Overall Total = 43
WHAT THE FUCK!! NO! LIES!
LIES GOD DAMMIT! LIIIIEEEESSSS!!! I CANNOT HAVE A LIFE! IT... IT'S NOT TRUE.. !!! IT'S IM POSSIBLE!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..........................
*thirty minutes later*
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..............................!!!!!!
*COUGHGAG*
...Well, fuck. Looks like I've got some movie watchin' ta do.
I still have JUST UNDER half a life to lose, dammit!!
No Subject
General | Posted 19 years agoYou know what's funny, as I look back over my experiences on TEH INTARWEBS? Know what's sad, too, yet strangely enevitable in that helpless shrug, tired sigh, shake of head and roll of eye manner?
Women.
Not just any women, but specifically, almost HALF of all of the most interesting, talented, witty, and wise women I have ever known on TEH INTARNET...
...aren't women.
More confusing, oftentimes they portray themselves as straight. You know ... this is probably PRECISELY why I just don't care about screenname genders anymore -.-; if you wear a female avatar, that's just fine by me: what the fuck ever. You want to be seen female, I will see you as such. It's just a shame that so many awesome people are living exactly RIGHT up to the TERRIBLE Conventional Wisdom that "There are no women on the internet".
I KNOW this is not true. I KNOW several female individuals who ARE indeed female, verified by phone conversations, etc... but the figures are kind of depressing.
And I'm not talking about the extremely girly-girls who dress themselves as pink and frilly as possible yet are only attracted to other females. The people in question are down-to-earth, insightful, patient, level-headed, and though having opinions, are ambiguous about how they feel about having those opinions (rather than excited about your opinion as though it were something new or exotic--a dead givaway). See... There's only one thing I've noticed that seperates the -good- female players from the actual females: I'm comfortable around the players -.-;
Isn't that pathetic!? XD
I'll know she's real if she makes me nervous as all fuck! There's probably only ONE girl who I know is REALLY what she is that I AM almost completely comfortable around these days, and that's Zeb. Then again... I have been kind of a hermit and I don't even usually end up talking to anyone else at all lately >_> she actually tracks me down, pounces me, and aggressively interrogates me with tickle-torture until I spill it! Which I shall remain immeasurably thankful for...
but even if the situation is completely easy-going, and i'm calm and happy and just dandy, there's always an underlying tension... a bundle of quivering emotional energy, merely jumpy in its dormant state, but ready to erupt at the drop of a hat. Even if it's NOT going to erupt like that, there's the knowledge that it COULD. Do you recall the phrase, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"? That's the fury. Guys don't have that fury. They have rage, sure... Rage is like a locomotive, chugging forward... but Fury is like a bolt of lightning.
But to get back on topic... it's just a shame because these particular 'women' I knew, they would've been exemplary, irreplaceable additions to that entire half of humanity. Or maybe they'd be too, I dunno, reasonable? Patient? Understanding? I'm speaking in relation to those, "the few, the loud," militant feminazis, to whom anything that is not THEM is INFERIOR. If there is one thing I cannot fucking stand... it's Arrogance.
*sigh*
...It's not that I want them to stop though. I just wish they were really female. x.x
Women.
Not just any women, but specifically, almost HALF of all of the most interesting, talented, witty, and wise women I have ever known on TEH INTARNET...
...aren't women.
More confusing, oftentimes they portray themselves as straight. You know ... this is probably PRECISELY why I just don't care about screenname genders anymore -.-; if you wear a female avatar, that's just fine by me: what the fuck ever. You want to be seen female, I will see you as such. It's just a shame that so many awesome people are living exactly RIGHT up to the TERRIBLE Conventional Wisdom that "There are no women on the internet".
I KNOW this is not true. I KNOW several female individuals who ARE indeed female, verified by phone conversations, etc... but the figures are kind of depressing.
And I'm not talking about the extremely girly-girls who dress themselves as pink and frilly as possible yet are only attracted to other females. The people in question are down-to-earth, insightful, patient, level-headed, and though having opinions, are ambiguous about how they feel about having those opinions (rather than excited about your opinion as though it were something new or exotic--a dead givaway). See... There's only one thing I've noticed that seperates the -good- female players from the actual females: I'm comfortable around the players -.-;
Isn't that pathetic!? XD
I'll know she's real if she makes me nervous as all fuck! There's probably only ONE girl who I know is REALLY what she is that I AM almost completely comfortable around these days, and that's Zeb. Then again... I have been kind of a hermit and I don't even usually end up talking to anyone else at all lately >_> she actually tracks me down, pounces me, and aggressively interrogates me with tickle-torture until I spill it! Which I shall remain immeasurably thankful for...
but even if the situation is completely easy-going, and i'm calm and happy and just dandy, there's always an underlying tension... a bundle of quivering emotional energy, merely jumpy in its dormant state, but ready to erupt at the drop of a hat. Even if it's NOT going to erupt like that, there's the knowledge that it COULD. Do you recall the phrase, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"? That's the fury. Guys don't have that fury. They have rage, sure... Rage is like a locomotive, chugging forward... but Fury is like a bolt of lightning.
But to get back on topic... it's just a shame because these particular 'women' I knew, they would've been exemplary, irreplaceable additions to that entire half of humanity. Or maybe they'd be too, I dunno, reasonable? Patient? Understanding? I'm speaking in relation to those, "the few, the loud," militant feminazis, to whom anything that is not THEM is INFERIOR. If there is one thing I cannot fucking stand... it's Arrogance.
*sigh*
...It's not that I want them to stop though. I just wish they were really female. x.x
More Bandwaggony.
General | Posted 19 years ago 1. What is your character's name?
Stone Hawk Taggart
2. What is your character's name in another language?
Another language? like what? >_> I don't get it.
3. How old is he/she?
Early 20's. like, 23 or 24.
4. What is your character's race/species?
Mostly wolf, with some mixed traits.
5. Do they have a crush?
Ohhhh yes. He's somewhat inextricably tied himself to Gin Blossom. Surely she -could- send him on his way, but he certainly isn't going anywhere of his own accord. Though... he wonders if she will ever become receptive. Complications, complications; at least it's not -drama-... just... waiting. Thank goodness for his patience.
6. Do they have many friends?
The friends he has are glad to have him, though the group is rather close and too tightly-knit to be large.
7. What planet is your character from?
The planet carries no official name according to texts, though Miss Mab of Dan and Mab's Furry Adventures has taken to calling Her world, which is based on the one Stone is from, "Furrae". heh.
8. Does your character like to eat?
I think he loves to cook more o.o or watching others enjoy his food.
9. What's his/sher favorite food?
Being a carnivore... Stoney very much enjoys avianfowl of many sorts. Often, he prefers to serve it slow-broiled, seasoned, spiced, and marinated. Thanksgiving Turkey would be a hit with him ~_^
10. What's his/sher favorite drink?
Stone's got a special place in his heart for Peaches in whatever liquid form he can acquire them, but due to their rarity, he often settles for Apple Cider, which is easily the immediate second. Valesco--the castle Gin Blossom (his crush :p) occupies--manufactures its own cider, as well. Convenient for Stoney.
11. Is your character annoying?
Sometimes he worries that he is, though mostly people seem happy to see him around.
13. Is your character loved?
He certainly hopes so...
14. Is your character hated?
He certainly hopes not! I don't see any reason for someone to...
15. Is he/she emo/goth?
I don't think he meets modern pop-culture standards of these definitions, but he most definitely does believe in letting people know how he feels.
16. Is he/she straight, bisexual, or gay?
Straight.
17. Is he/she a virgin?
Heh. Yep. Was never interested in anyone before Gin, and she isn't... ready for that kind of thing yet.
18. Name 3 hobbies
Cookin', Cleanin', Fixin'.
19. Is your character normal?
A bit -TOO- normal! HAH. On furcadia, everybody has crazy paranormal powers, except for Stoney, who is completely mundane ^_^
20. Is your character attractive?
I guess he doesn't look too shabby after all... Doesn't seem too far a stretch for someone to be attracted to him. It HAS happened in the past...
21. How does your character handle emotions?
Honestly. Honest to himself, and honest to everyone else. He takes his feelings exactly as seriously as they deserve.
22. Does your character have other forms?
Nope. He's completely normal.
23. Does your character overreact?
Only when you compare him to others, who CAN stand there and blink at a six-story-tall dragon or yawn at a flaming demon from hell >_>
24. Is your charcter a criminal?
Oh heavens no! Stoney's a good lad, never gotten into a lick o' trouble in all 'is days, nay. He's a good, honorable, just fellow.
25. Does your character go to school?
His family was too poor to send him to school. He learned all he did from maintaining the house of his parents and tending the bar on the corner while his siblings all left to start their own lives...
26. What's his/sher IQ?
He's got the appearance of a kindly country bumpkin, but he's sharper than he looks.
27. Does your character have a disease/curse?
Not a One.
28. Is your character dead?
Nope.
29. Does your character have a family?
Ahhh, he had seven siblings; three sisters and four brothers. His youngest brother, Wave, joined the church, his second youngest, Blaze, got involved in crime and met his end in a back alley, his second eldest brother, Bolt, became a successful merchant, and his eldest brother, Shade, joined the navy after his Father. His sisters each married, Aura to a banker, Gale to an officer; the last, Snow, eloping with a wandering bard. His father, retired from the imperial navy, drank his pension away and had a heart attack while Stone was 12, which made him decide to become the breadwinner and start working the tavern and maintaining the house. He cared for his mother until she passed away of pnemonia, and left with only the hat on his head and the poncho on his back. He isn't in touch with any of his siblings now, and the primes only know where they have gone since.
30. Has he/she encountered any tragic times in life?
Ah, a few, here and there... When Blaze was slain, Stone was still a little too young to understand why or how, though he often mentions him in his prayers and likes to think back to what he still remembers...
And of course, it was painful watching his father drown his brain into oblivion with alchohol. He was just a happy, party drunk after he retired from the military, but took the loss of his son really, really hard... Stone doesn't blame his father for anything, though he regrets not having been able to do anything.
31. What's the best time in your character's life?
Right now, he loves working by Gin Blossom, maintaining valesco while she goes off on her usual workshop tinkering antics. Usually there's always some kind of black powder explosion or massive mechanical failure that he has to clean up--either that or gin and teo get into the fruit preserve stores and Stoney has to mop up after them ^^ but it feels good and honest and he lives for it.
32. If you could name 1 friend, which would you relate to your character?
... I don't have any friends like Stone.
33. Is your character single?
HA! He wishes it weren't the case, but until Gin is ready to stop being single, He'll be that way, too.
34. Has he/she developed any relationships?
Ah, once upon a time... but that's not important. Right now, though they aren't serious, he and gin are close enough that he enjoys her presence quite a bit, and she enjoys his ^^
35. Does he/she have an element?
Every one of his siblings was named after an element, but they haven't necessarily displayed any particular magical affinities for their elements. The most Stone-like trait about Stoney is his stability, calm, and patience.
36. Do you role-play your character?
Ohhhhyeah.
37. Do you write about your character?
I'm sure you can tell that I MUST.
38. Does your character have a bad temper at times?
Goodness, no!
39. Does your character get depressed?
No time for depression! Gotta patch up that hole in the catacombs before they flood!
40. What's your characters favorite animal?
... Funny thing, being a wolf... he prefers felines. Feline ferals, and feline people!
41. Does your character have any fears?
Nothing too out of the ordinary... though, the undead strike an unnerving chord with him. Avatars of death, walking ghosts--except for Gin's Brother, he's a special case.
42. Does your character have any weaknesses?
He's too forgiving, too nice. someone would be able to take even a little advantage of him. That's not good.
43. Does your character look up to anyone?
He's had to be self-reliant for a long time. He is marvelled by Gin's mechanical aptitude, and her musical talent as well, though.
44. Does your character like music?
When Gin sings and strums her guitar, the world slows to an easy lull, the colors soften and the edges fade away.
45. What's your character's favorite type of music?
Folk. He enjoys folk quite a bit, especially irish.
46. Is he/she impatient?
The absolute antithesis.
47. What's something funny about your character?
The fact that he appears to prefer the company of felines over fellow canines... heheheh.
48. Name 5 nicknames
Stoney, Woof-Woof ^^
49. Does your character curse?
Not really... He just doesn't see the need to.
50. This test is over, what does your character have to say?
Nothing. A smirk, a light chuckle, then back to work.
Stone Hawk Taggart
2. What is your character's name in another language?
Another language? like what? >_> I don't get it.
3. How old is he/she?
Early 20's. like, 23 or 24.
4. What is your character's race/species?
Mostly wolf, with some mixed traits.
5. Do they have a crush?
Ohhhh yes. He's somewhat inextricably tied himself to Gin Blossom. Surely she -could- send him on his way, but he certainly isn't going anywhere of his own accord. Though... he wonders if she will ever become receptive. Complications, complications; at least it's not -drama-... just... waiting. Thank goodness for his patience.
6. Do they have many friends?
The friends he has are glad to have him, though the group is rather close and too tightly-knit to be large.
7. What planet is your character from?
The planet carries no official name according to texts, though Miss Mab of Dan and Mab's Furry Adventures has taken to calling Her world, which is based on the one Stone is from, "Furrae". heh.
8. Does your character like to eat?
I think he loves to cook more o.o or watching others enjoy his food.
9. What's his/sher favorite food?
Being a carnivore... Stoney very much enjoys avianfowl of many sorts. Often, he prefers to serve it slow-broiled, seasoned, spiced, and marinated. Thanksgiving Turkey would be a hit with him ~_^
10. What's his/sher favorite drink?
Stone's got a special place in his heart for Peaches in whatever liquid form he can acquire them, but due to their rarity, he often settles for Apple Cider, which is easily the immediate second. Valesco--the castle Gin Blossom (his crush :p) occupies--manufactures its own cider, as well. Convenient for Stoney.
11. Is your character annoying?
Sometimes he worries that he is, though mostly people seem happy to see him around.
13. Is your character loved?
He certainly hopes so...
14. Is your character hated?
He certainly hopes not! I don't see any reason for someone to...
15. Is he/she emo/goth?
I don't think he meets modern pop-culture standards of these definitions, but he most definitely does believe in letting people know how he feels.
16. Is he/she straight, bisexual, or gay?
Straight.
17. Is he/she a virgin?
Heh. Yep. Was never interested in anyone before Gin, and she isn't... ready for that kind of thing yet.
18. Name 3 hobbies
Cookin', Cleanin', Fixin'.
19. Is your character normal?
A bit -TOO- normal! HAH. On furcadia, everybody has crazy paranormal powers, except for Stoney, who is completely mundane ^_^
20. Is your character attractive?
I guess he doesn't look too shabby after all... Doesn't seem too far a stretch for someone to be attracted to him. It HAS happened in the past...
21. How does your character handle emotions?
Honestly. Honest to himself, and honest to everyone else. He takes his feelings exactly as seriously as they deserve.
22. Does your character have other forms?
Nope. He's completely normal.
23. Does your character overreact?
Only when you compare him to others, who CAN stand there and blink at a six-story-tall dragon or yawn at a flaming demon from hell >_>
24. Is your charcter a criminal?
Oh heavens no! Stoney's a good lad, never gotten into a lick o' trouble in all 'is days, nay. He's a good, honorable, just fellow.
25. Does your character go to school?
His family was too poor to send him to school. He learned all he did from maintaining the house of his parents and tending the bar on the corner while his siblings all left to start their own lives...
26. What's his/sher IQ?
He's got the appearance of a kindly country bumpkin, but he's sharper than he looks.
27. Does your character have a disease/curse?
Not a One.
28. Is your character dead?
Nope.
29. Does your character have a family?
Ahhh, he had seven siblings; three sisters and four brothers. His youngest brother, Wave, joined the church, his second youngest, Blaze, got involved in crime and met his end in a back alley, his second eldest brother, Bolt, became a successful merchant, and his eldest brother, Shade, joined the navy after his Father. His sisters each married, Aura to a banker, Gale to an officer; the last, Snow, eloping with a wandering bard. His father, retired from the imperial navy, drank his pension away and had a heart attack while Stone was 12, which made him decide to become the breadwinner and start working the tavern and maintaining the house. He cared for his mother until she passed away of pnemonia, and left with only the hat on his head and the poncho on his back. He isn't in touch with any of his siblings now, and the primes only know where they have gone since.
30. Has he/she encountered any tragic times in life?
Ah, a few, here and there... When Blaze was slain, Stone was still a little too young to understand why or how, though he often mentions him in his prayers and likes to think back to what he still remembers...
And of course, it was painful watching his father drown his brain into oblivion with alchohol. He was just a happy, party drunk after he retired from the military, but took the loss of his son really, really hard... Stone doesn't blame his father for anything, though he regrets not having been able to do anything.
31. What's the best time in your character's life?
Right now, he loves working by Gin Blossom, maintaining valesco while she goes off on her usual workshop tinkering antics. Usually there's always some kind of black powder explosion or massive mechanical failure that he has to clean up--either that or gin and teo get into the fruit preserve stores and Stoney has to mop up after them ^^ but it feels good and honest and he lives for it.
32. If you could name 1 friend, which would you relate to your character?
... I don't have any friends like Stone.
33. Is your character single?
HA! He wishes it weren't the case, but until Gin is ready to stop being single, He'll be that way, too.
34. Has he/she developed any relationships?
Ah, once upon a time... but that's not important. Right now, though they aren't serious, he and gin are close enough that he enjoys her presence quite a bit, and she enjoys his ^^
35. Does he/she have an element?
Every one of his siblings was named after an element, but they haven't necessarily displayed any particular magical affinities for their elements. The most Stone-like trait about Stoney is his stability, calm, and patience.
36. Do you role-play your character?
Ohhhhyeah.
37. Do you write about your character?
I'm sure you can tell that I MUST.
38. Does your character have a bad temper at times?
Goodness, no!
39. Does your character get depressed?
No time for depression! Gotta patch up that hole in the catacombs before they flood!
40. What's your characters favorite animal?
... Funny thing, being a wolf... he prefers felines. Feline ferals, and feline people!
41. Does your character have any fears?
Nothing too out of the ordinary... though, the undead strike an unnerving chord with him. Avatars of death, walking ghosts--except for Gin's Brother, he's a special case.
42. Does your character have any weaknesses?
He's too forgiving, too nice. someone would be able to take even a little advantage of him. That's not good.
43. Does your character look up to anyone?
He's had to be self-reliant for a long time. He is marvelled by Gin's mechanical aptitude, and her musical talent as well, though.
44. Does your character like music?
When Gin sings and strums her guitar, the world slows to an easy lull, the colors soften and the edges fade away.
45. What's your character's favorite type of music?
Folk. He enjoys folk quite a bit, especially irish.
46. Is he/she impatient?
The absolute antithesis.
47. What's something funny about your character?
The fact that he appears to prefer the company of felines over fellow canines... heheheh.
48. Name 5 nicknames
Stoney, Woof-Woof ^^
49. Does your character curse?
Not really... He just doesn't see the need to.
50. This test is over, what does your character have to say?
Nothing. A smirk, a light chuckle, then back to work.
Something
General | Posted 19 years agoI wanted to say something today, but I'm not quite sure what. Maybe a regular update on my life--though not much is going on, I'm afraid. Same old job, though they've been giving me crappy hours: only thirty-five a week. my last paycheck was four hundred dollars. That's... Tragic.
My roommates acquired a Wii, and that's been kind of fun. I really enjoy Wii Sports, too. Boxing is interesting, and I'm actually starting to get good at some of this shit.
Know what's crazy though? It works up a SWEAT. Absolutely astounding. Even waving my arms around like a lunatic is enough to get the blood pumping.
I always used to think that video games enhanced hand-eye coordination, but that was usually an excuse to play them (According to my personality type and what THEY would have me believe, video games are especially bad for people with "Attention Deficit Disorder") --but, now you're aiming, balancing, swinging, in fact doing a lot of shit that video games didn't require--with your whole arms (or body) anyways...
aw shit. gotta cut this short. going to work now.
bleh. sorry i didn't get to say more.
My roommates acquired a Wii, and that's been kind of fun. I really enjoy Wii Sports, too. Boxing is interesting, and I'm actually starting to get good at some of this shit.
Know what's crazy though? It works up a SWEAT. Absolutely astounding. Even waving my arms around like a lunatic is enough to get the blood pumping.
I always used to think that video games enhanced hand-eye coordination, but that was usually an excuse to play them (According to my personality type and what THEY would have me believe, video games are especially bad for people with "Attention Deficit Disorder") --but, now you're aiming, balancing, swinging, in fact doing a lot of shit that video games didn't require--with your whole arms (or body) anyways...
aw shit. gotta cut this short. going to work now.
bleh. sorry i didn't get to say more.
ONWARD to the next Bandwagon!
General | Posted 19 years agoBritish
[X] You drink a lot of tea.
[ ] You know what a brolly is.
[ ] Deal or No Deal has taken over your life.
[ ] You wanted Ben to win X Factor.
[X] You use the word "bugger" or the phrase "bloody hell."
[X] Fish and Chips are yummy.
[X] You can eat a Full English Breakfast.
[X] You dislike emos almost as much as you dislike chavs.
[X] Its football...not soccer.
Total = 6
Australian
[ ] You wear flip flops all year.
[ ] You call flip flops thongs not flip flops.
[ ] You love a backyard barbie.
[X] You know a barbie is not a doll.
[X] You love the beach.
[X] Sometimes you swear without realizing.
[ ] You're a sports fanatic.
[ ] You are tanned.
[ ] You're a bit of a bogan.
[ ] You have an australian something
Total = 3
Italian
[X] The Sopranos is a great show.
[X] Your last name ends in a vowel.
[X] Your grandmother made her own sauces.
[X] You know how a real meatball tastes.
[ ] You know Italian songs.
[ ] You have dark hair and dark eye color.
[ ] You speak some italian.
[ ] You are under 5'10''
[ ] You know what an italian horn is
[X]Pizza/spaghetti is the best food in the world!!!
[ ] You talk with your hands.
Total = 5
Spanish
[ ] You say member instead of remember.
[ ] You speak spanish or some.
[X] You like tacos.
[ ] YoU TyPe lIkE ThIs On Da CoMpUtEr.(sometimes)
[ ] You are dark skinned.
[ ] You know what a Puta is.
[ ] You talk fast occasionally.
[ ] You have had highlights or have dyed your hair.
[ ] You know what platanos are.
Total = 1
Russian
[ ] You say villian as: Vee-lon.
[X] You get short tempered.
[X] You know of somebody named Natasha.
[X] You get cold easily.
[X] Rain is fun for you.
[ ] You get into contests all the time.
[X] You can easily make do with the cold weather.
Total = 5
Irish
[ ] You think beer is the best.
[ ] You have a bad temper.
[ ] Your last name starts with a Mc, Murph, O', Fitz or ends with a ley, on, un, an, in, ry, ly, y.
[X] You have blue or green eyes.
[X] You like the color green.
[X] You have been to a st. pattys day party.
[X] You have a family member from Ireland.
[ ] You have blonde hair.
[ ] You have/had freckles.
[ ] Your family get togethers always include drinking and singing.
Total = 4
African American
[ ]You say nigga/nukka casually
[ ] You have nappy hair.
[X] You like rap. Well, it's OKAY...
[X] You know how to shoot a gun
[X] You think President George Walker Bush is racist. Dubbya? Many things.
[X] You like chicken.
[X] You like watermelon.
[ ] You can dance.
[ ] You can 'sing' gospel.
Total = 5
Asian
[ ] You have slanty/small eyes.
[X] You like rice a lot.
[X] You are good at math. According to my friends... >.>
[X] You have played the piano.
[X] You have family from asia.
[X] You laugh sometimes covering your mouth.
[ ] Most people think you're chinese.
[ ] You call hurricanes typhoons.
[ ] You go to Baulko.
Total = 5
German
[X] You like bread.
[X] You think German Chocolate is good.
[ ] You Speak some German.
[X] You know what Schnitzel is.
[X] You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi.
[X] You went to Pre-school.
[X] You're over 5'2
Total = 6 (Well damn! That's a surprise, I guess.)
Canadian
[ ] You like/play/played hockey.
[ ] You love beer.
[X] You say eh. *Shrug* Eh.
[ ] You know what poutine is.
[ ] You speak some french.
[ ] You love Tim Horton's.
[ ] At one point you lived in a farm house.
[ ] You watch/watched degrassi.
Total = 1
American
[ ] You hate foreigners.
[ ] You hate non - Christians. I hate non-christian-haters... >.>
[X] You're lazy.
[X] You are not cultured.
[ ] You hate abortion.
[X] But love the death penalty. Some damaged units need replacement.
[ ] You don't read.
[X] You shop at walmart. *shame* ;_;
[ ] You think this survey is rather biased.
Total = 4
Well that's me! I don't know what it means, but I guess I really -am- kind of a mutt o.o
[X] You drink a lot of tea.
[ ] You know what a brolly is.
[ ] Deal or No Deal has taken over your life.
[ ] You wanted Ben to win X Factor.
[X] You use the word "bugger" or the phrase "bloody hell."
[X] Fish and Chips are yummy.
[X] You can eat a Full English Breakfast.
[X] You dislike emos almost as much as you dislike chavs.
[X] Its football...not soccer.
Total = 6
Australian
[ ] You wear flip flops all year.
[ ] You call flip flops thongs not flip flops.
[ ] You love a backyard barbie.
[X] You know a barbie is not a doll.
[X] You love the beach.
[X] Sometimes you swear without realizing.
[ ] You're a sports fanatic.
[ ] You are tanned.
[ ] You're a bit of a bogan.
[ ] You have an australian something
Total = 3
Italian
[X] The Sopranos is a great show.
[X] Your last name ends in a vowel.
[X] Your grandmother made her own sauces.
[X] You know how a real meatball tastes.
[ ] You know Italian songs.
[ ] You have dark hair and dark eye color.
[ ] You speak some italian.
[ ] You are under 5'10''
[ ] You know what an italian horn is
[X]Pizza/spaghetti is the best food in the world!!!
[ ] You talk with your hands.
Total = 5
Spanish
[ ] You say member instead of remember.
[ ] You speak spanish or some.
[X] You like tacos.
[ ] YoU TyPe lIkE ThIs On Da CoMpUtEr.(sometimes)
[ ] You are dark skinned.
[ ] You know what a Puta is.
[ ] You talk fast occasionally.
[ ] You have had highlights or have dyed your hair.
[ ] You know what platanos are.
Total = 1
Russian
[ ] You say villian as: Vee-lon.
[X] You get short tempered.
[X] You know of somebody named Natasha.
[X] You get cold easily.
[X] Rain is fun for you.
[ ] You get into contests all the time.
[X] You can easily make do with the cold weather.
Total = 5
Irish
[ ] You think beer is the best.
[ ] You have a bad temper.
[ ] Your last name starts with a Mc, Murph, O', Fitz or ends with a ley, on, un, an, in, ry, ly, y.
[X] You have blue or green eyes.
[X] You like the color green.
[X] You have been to a st. pattys day party.
[X] You have a family member from Ireland.
[ ] You have blonde hair.
[ ] You have/had freckles.
[ ] Your family get togethers always include drinking and singing.
Total = 4
African American
[ ]You say nigga/nukka casually
[ ] You have nappy hair.
[X] You like rap. Well, it's OKAY...
[X] You know how to shoot a gun
[X] You think President George Walker Bush is racist. Dubbya? Many things.
[X] You like chicken.
[X] You like watermelon.
[ ] You can dance.
[ ] You can 'sing' gospel.
Total = 5
Asian
[ ] You have slanty/small eyes.
[X] You like rice a lot.
[X] You are good at math. According to my friends... >.>
[X] You have played the piano.
[X] You have family from asia.
[X] You laugh sometimes covering your mouth.
[ ] Most people think you're chinese.
[ ] You call hurricanes typhoons.
[ ] You go to Baulko.
Total = 5
German
[X] You like bread.
[X] You think German Chocolate is good.
[ ] You Speak some German.
[X] You know what Schnitzel is.
[X] You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi.
[X] You went to Pre-school.
[X] You're over 5'2
Total = 6 (Well damn! That's a surprise, I guess.)
Canadian
[ ] You like/play/played hockey.
[ ] You love beer.
[X] You say eh. *Shrug* Eh.
[ ] You know what poutine is.
[ ] You speak some french.
[ ] You love Tim Horton's.
[ ] At one point you lived in a farm house.
[ ] You watch/watched degrassi.
Total = 1
American
[ ] You hate foreigners.
[ ] You hate non - Christians. I hate non-christian-haters... >.>
[X] You're lazy.
[X] You are not cultured.
[ ] You hate abortion.
[X] But love the death penalty. Some damaged units need replacement.
[ ] You don't read.
[X] You shop at walmart. *shame* ;_;
[ ] You think this survey is rather biased.
Total = 4
Well that's me! I don't know what it means, but I guess I really -am- kind of a mutt o.o
