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UPDATE!
General | Posted 3 months ago Dear friends, watchers, and visitors!
First of all, good news: My PC is working again! It was actually my power supply that died. I have ordered a new one that took forever to be delivered, but has finally arrived yesterday.
On the other hand, however, I'm not doing all that great. I can't sleep. I didn't have a good night's sleep for months... :( Because of this, I'm constantly super tired. I really need to get commissions going, but I'm locked in a constant state of sleep deprivation. I have tried some natural supplements, and they help a little, but not enough; I just wake up after 4-5 hours of sleep and am unable to fall back asleep. It sucks. I'll try melatonin next. But I can't help but wonder if this is also a side effect of brain damage from my tumour and the operation. Only time will tell.
For now, all I can tell you is that I'm doing what I can, and I hope this resolves soon.
Stay tuned!
First of all, good news: My PC is working again! It was actually my power supply that died. I have ordered a new one that took forever to be delivered, but has finally arrived yesterday.
On the other hand, however, I'm not doing all that great. I can't sleep. I didn't have a good night's sleep for months... :( Because of this, I'm constantly super tired. I really need to get commissions going, but I'm locked in a constant state of sleep deprivation. I have tried some natural supplements, and they help a little, but not enough; I just wake up after 4-5 hours of sleep and am unable to fall back asleep. It sucks. I'll try melatonin next. But I can't help but wonder if this is also a side effect of brain damage from my tumour and the operation. Only time will tell.
For now, all I can tell you is that I'm doing what I can, and I hope this resolves soon.
Stay tuned!
My PC has died...
General | Posted 4 months agoSo, today my PC has suddenly turned off and wont turn back on. I have tried every trick. It's dead.
My educated guess it's that the motherboard had died. I'm trying to figure out if you can even get one that's compatible with the rest of my parts (this rig is fairly old). And even then, I somehow need to get money for it. If you ever felt like supporting me with a few bucks, this is the time.
So I may not be back for a bit. I'll post another journal when the situation has resolved.
My educated guess it's that the motherboard had died. I'm trying to figure out if you can even get one that's compatible with the rest of my parts (this rig is fairly old). And even then, I somehow need to get money for it. If you ever felt like supporting me with a few bucks, this is the time.
So I may not be back for a bit. I'll post another journal when the situation has resolved.
[OPEN] Speedpaint commissions!
General | Posted 4 months ago Due to financial pressure, I'm opening for speedpaint portrait commissions.
- Headshot or from the shoulder up
- Any common species
-$90 $80 via PayPal
- 2 slots at a time; first come, first served
- Usual rules apply
Examples of style:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/41813075/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/58881007/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33396096/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/28322230/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26996535/
To apply, contact me on Telegram: https://t.me/StormEngineer
My time zone is Central Europe [CEST], I'll answer as soon as I can.
- Headshot or from the shoulder up
- Any common species
-
- 2 slots at a time; first come, first served
- Usual rules apply
Examples of style:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/41813075/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/58881007/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/33396096/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/28322230/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/26996535/
To apply, contact me on Telegram: https://t.me/StormEngineer
My time zone is Central Europe [CEST], I'll answer as soon as I can.
Update
General | Posted 4 months ago Dear friends and followers!
The past two months have been a rollercoaster, and it is still not over, but you deserve an update on what's happening.
Two months ago. I posted about a cat emergency. After several hectic weeks, vet visits, and cat pee everywhere, Ginger's urinary issues have resolved. For now. He has to be fed expensive special food to lower the pH of his urine in order to avoid the formation of bladder sand and stones. His infected wound has eventually cleared up, and luckily, the tests for leukosis and feline AIDS have come back negative! The whole ordeal has left us with a lot of debt towards our vet, which we have just managed to pay off not so long ago, thanks in part to your help.
However, with all the extra spending, we did not yet have the budget to get him neutered, which is a problem because he keeps fighting. And a few days ago, he once again managed to get a nasty wound. We are keeping an eye on it, but it doesn't look too good, and chances are he will require veterinary intervention again. And we still can't afford that.
Speaking of finances, things look really bad right now. We can barely afford food thanks to the help from my family, there are multiple unpaid bills, and just now as I was writing this, I got a call from the gas provider that my previous installment payment was cancelled, and now I have about $470 debt that I would need pay ASAP or my gas service will be cut.
Finally, my health is also not doing great. At this point, it seems evident that I do have permanent brain damage from my tumor and the surgery. My energy levels have never returned to normal. Every now and then, I suddenly feel super tired and weak, and I need to lie down and take a nap. I have trouble sleeping. Sometimes I have momentary artifacts at the edge of my vision, reminiscent of the artifacts I was seeing before I was hospitalized. My flatmate also swears that my memory has gotten worse, and I feel like I'm also clumsier than before. And recently, my sleep cycle went to shit due to bad sleep. So... yeah.
And then there is the issue of commissions. Due to all the above, progress on my backlog has been very slow. A while ago, I made a point that I would not take on any more commissions until I had finished all the existing ones. But given our current situation, it seems more and more likely that I simply don't have a choice. I'm considering opening up for simple speed-painted portraits and icons, one or two at a time. If this happens, I'll post another journal.
And I know that these are tough times, especially for those living in the US, but if you are in the position to do so, financial help would be greatly appreciated. You can make a one-time tip via Ko-Fi, or you can join my Patreon for monthly support. Anything helps, however small it is.
So, once again, I would like to thank you all for being part of my journey. Thank you for your continued support, your patience, and the kind words. I'm looking forward to the day when all this nonsense is behind us, and I can keep making art for you all to enjoy. Stay tuned! <3
Sincerely,
Storm
The past two months have been a rollercoaster, and it is still not over, but you deserve an update on what's happening.
Two months ago. I posted about a cat emergency. After several hectic weeks, vet visits, and cat pee everywhere, Ginger's urinary issues have resolved. For now. He has to be fed expensive special food to lower the pH of his urine in order to avoid the formation of bladder sand and stones. His infected wound has eventually cleared up, and luckily, the tests for leukosis and feline AIDS have come back negative! The whole ordeal has left us with a lot of debt towards our vet, which we have just managed to pay off not so long ago, thanks in part to your help.
However, with all the extra spending, we did not yet have the budget to get him neutered, which is a problem because he keeps fighting. And a few days ago, he once again managed to get a nasty wound. We are keeping an eye on it, but it doesn't look too good, and chances are he will require veterinary intervention again. And we still can't afford that.
Speaking of finances, things look really bad right now. We can barely afford food thanks to the help from my family, there are multiple unpaid bills, and just now as I was writing this, I got a call from the gas provider that my previous installment payment was cancelled, and now I have about $470 debt that I would need pay ASAP or my gas service will be cut.
Finally, my health is also not doing great. At this point, it seems evident that I do have permanent brain damage from my tumor and the surgery. My energy levels have never returned to normal. Every now and then, I suddenly feel super tired and weak, and I need to lie down and take a nap. I have trouble sleeping. Sometimes I have momentary artifacts at the edge of my vision, reminiscent of the artifacts I was seeing before I was hospitalized. My flatmate also swears that my memory has gotten worse, and I feel like I'm also clumsier than before. And recently, my sleep cycle went to shit due to bad sleep. So... yeah.
And then there is the issue of commissions. Due to all the above, progress on my backlog has been very slow. A while ago, I made a point that I would not take on any more commissions until I had finished all the existing ones. But given our current situation, it seems more and more likely that I simply don't have a choice. I'm considering opening up for simple speed-painted portraits and icons, one or two at a time. If this happens, I'll post another journal.
And I know that these are tough times, especially for those living in the US, but if you are in the position to do so, financial help would be greatly appreciated. You can make a one-time tip via Ko-Fi, or you can join my Patreon for monthly support. Anything helps, however small it is.
So, once again, I would like to thank you all for being part of my journey. Thank you for your continued support, your patience, and the kind words. I'm looking forward to the day when all this nonsense is behind us, and I can keep making art for you all to enjoy. Stay tuned! <3
Sincerely,
Storm
CAT EMEGRENCY! Need help!
General | Posted 7 months agoDear friends,
I'm turning to you in our time of need, and I'm not doing this lightly.
Our old rescue cat, Ginger has a serious health crisis, and we can't afford the vet bills. Me and my flatmate are both unemployed and dealing with health problems of our own, and my family has already helped as much as they were able to. So far, we have paid the vet about $100, and we still owe her another $200 that we do not have. And this is only if we get lucky and he does not need surgery. He will also need special (=expensive) food from now on.
We need help, and you people are our last resort. If you can donate any amount, however little, it would be greatly appreciated. The simplest way to do so is through my Ko-Fi, which sends it to my PayPal. (Proper fundraiser sites are not available in my country.)
>>> http://ko-fi.com/StormEngineer <<<
Ginger, happy pics
Ginger, sick and injured. :( [CW: visible injury]
Ginger is our rescue orange cat. He used to be a stray on our street, and we adopted him (or rather, he adopted us). He is old, has bad teeth, is missing both lower canines, and is not neutered yet, so he fights other male cats and gets beaten up in the process all the time. About a week and a half ago, he came home with a nasty wound on his face. I treated it with betadine as much as he would let me, but unfortunately, it got infected and turned into an abscess, so we had to take him to the vet.
His wound was cleaned, and he was given antibiotics, which unfortunately gave him vomiting and diarrhea, so back to the vet. Since his wound was healing well, the vet advised us to stop the antibiotics and gave him some medicine against the vomiting and diarrhea. This has worked, however, we have noticed that he started dripping urine non-stop. When he was lying down, it was dripping under him and soaked his fur on his hind legs, tail and butt, which led to serious skin irritation and pain. So, back to the vet again...
After an ultrasound, it turned out that he had a urinary tract obstruction. His bladder was huge, stretched to its limits, and that's why he was dripping from the pressure, but he couldn't properly pee. He has been catheterized to relieve the pressure, as well as bathed, and given a skin cream for the irritation. Unfortunately, some floating mass was seen in his bladder, which was the likely cause of the obstruction, and it eventually obstructed the catheter too.
He has been catheterized again, which was removed today. The mass wasn't seen, but might still be there somewhere. So right now, we wait to see if he can pee normally. If he can, we are happy. If he can't... then he needs surgery, which is expected to cost another $400-700 or possibly more, and may only be a half success, leaving him with a damaged penis and urinary incontinence for the rest of his life. And in the absolute worst case, he might need to be euthanized...
But at this point, our main concerns are to see if he can pee, and to pay the vet what we still owe her. Also, let me add that our vet is an angel. She genuinely cares for what's best for Ginger, is very flexible with our payment, and we suspect that she is under-charging us as well, by not billing for some of the things she does. So it could be much worse.
But we are at our limit. We don't know what we will eat this week, because all our money went to the vet, and we have no idea how to pay her.
Please, help us.
>>> http://ko-fi.com/StormEngineer <<<
I'm turning to you in our time of need, and I'm not doing this lightly.
TLDR
Our old rescue cat, Ginger has a serious health crisis, and we can't afford the vet bills. Me and my flatmate are both unemployed and dealing with health problems of our own, and my family has already helped as much as they were able to. So far, we have paid the vet about $100, and we still owe her another $200 that we do not have. And this is only if we get lucky and he does not need surgery. He will also need special (=expensive) food from now on.
We need help, and you people are our last resort. If you can donate any amount, however little, it would be greatly appreciated. The simplest way to do so is through my Ko-Fi, which sends it to my PayPal. (Proper fundraiser sites are not available in my country.)
>>> http://ko-fi.com/StormEngineer <<<
Ginger, happy pics
Ginger, sick and injured. :( [CW: visible injury]
Details
Ginger is our rescue orange cat. He used to be a stray on our street, and we adopted him (or rather, he adopted us). He is old, has bad teeth, is missing both lower canines, and is not neutered yet, so he fights other male cats and gets beaten up in the process all the time. About a week and a half ago, he came home with a nasty wound on his face. I treated it with betadine as much as he would let me, but unfortunately, it got infected and turned into an abscess, so we had to take him to the vet.
His wound was cleaned, and he was given antibiotics, which unfortunately gave him vomiting and diarrhea, so back to the vet. Since his wound was healing well, the vet advised us to stop the antibiotics and gave him some medicine against the vomiting and diarrhea. This has worked, however, we have noticed that he started dripping urine non-stop. When he was lying down, it was dripping under him and soaked his fur on his hind legs, tail and butt, which led to serious skin irritation and pain. So, back to the vet again...
After an ultrasound, it turned out that he had a urinary tract obstruction. His bladder was huge, stretched to its limits, and that's why he was dripping from the pressure, but he couldn't properly pee. He has been catheterized to relieve the pressure, as well as bathed, and given a skin cream for the irritation. Unfortunately, some floating mass was seen in his bladder, which was the likely cause of the obstruction, and it eventually obstructed the catheter too.
He has been catheterized again, which was removed today. The mass wasn't seen, but might still be there somewhere. So right now, we wait to see if he can pee normally. If he can, we are happy. If he can't... then he needs surgery, which is expected to cost another $400-700 or possibly more, and may only be a half success, leaving him with a damaged penis and urinary incontinence for the rest of his life. And in the absolute worst case, he might need to be euthanized...
But at this point, our main concerns are to see if he can pee, and to pay the vet what we still owe her. Also, let me add that our vet is an angel. She genuinely cares for what's best for Ginger, is very flexible with our payment, and we suspect that she is under-charging us as well, by not billing for some of the things she does. So it could be much worse.
But we are at our limit. We don't know what we will eat this week, because all our money went to the vet, and we have no idea how to pay her.
Please, help us.
>>> http://ko-fi.com/StormEngineer <<<
I'm in remission!
General | Posted a year ago Dear friends and watchers,
It is now official: my cancer is gone without a trace!
My last MRI was all clear, and my oncologist gave me the green light to stop chemotherapy. With some luck, this is the end of the story. Of course, some follow-up MRIs will be taken in the future to ensure it's not coming back. The first one will be in December.
This is great news in terms of my health of course, but also in terms of art. You see, the chemo made me constantly super tired this past half year. I wanted to start painting again during the summer break from work, but I was so exhausted and weak that I couldn't do anything. Imagine having sleep deprivation 24/7. But now that the chemo is over, in the next 2-3 months this should finally go away, and then I'll be able to focus on art again!
Another issue has also been resolved. I haven't mentioned it yet but a couple of months ago my mother got fired from her job of 30 years thanks to one of our coworkers filing a complaint directly with the directors with false claims and twisted facts. This has been very hard on her, and me too. But finally, she has financial stability again, and this has taken a load of worries off my mind.
So, where to from here? For the moment I'm just focusing on recovering and improving my general health, and once the constant exhaustion starts to go away I'll be diving back into art. Until then, hang tight. :)
Finally, once again, I wish to thank you all for all the support, encouragement, and patience over these past few troubled years. And I promise you, once I'm back to painting in full swing it will be worth the wait. :)
Take care and stay wild!
Storm
It is now official: my cancer is gone without a trace!
My last MRI was all clear, and my oncologist gave me the green light to stop chemotherapy. With some luck, this is the end of the story. Of course, some follow-up MRIs will be taken in the future to ensure it's not coming back. The first one will be in December.
This is great news in terms of my health of course, but also in terms of art. You see, the chemo made me constantly super tired this past half year. I wanted to start painting again during the summer break from work, but I was so exhausted and weak that I couldn't do anything. Imagine having sleep deprivation 24/7. But now that the chemo is over, in the next 2-3 months this should finally go away, and then I'll be able to focus on art again!
Another issue has also been resolved. I haven't mentioned it yet but a couple of months ago my mother got fired from her job of 30 years thanks to one of our coworkers filing a complaint directly with the directors with false claims and twisted facts. This has been very hard on her, and me too. But finally, she has financial stability again, and this has taken a load of worries off my mind.
So, where to from here? For the moment I'm just focusing on recovering and improving my general health, and once the constant exhaustion starts to go away I'll be diving back into art. Until then, hang tight. :)
Finally, once again, I wish to thank you all for all the support, encouragement, and patience over these past few troubled years. And I promise you, once I'm back to painting in full swing it will be worth the wait. :)
Take care and stay wild!
Storm
New Year Update!
General | Posted 2 years ago Dear friends, patrons, and watchers!
I've been silent for months now, and there's no better time to give an update than the start of the new year. :)
My regular bloodwork results are all good. I also had an MRI a while ago which looked as expected, though it's not conclusive yet because the area in my brain is still healing. But so far so good. On the other hand, the chemo is kicking my ass real good... I'm taking it for 5 days every month but in a way higher dose than before which means I feel absolutely awful for 8-9 days - imagine having food poisoning and at the "I'm about to throw up" point but you never actually do, you are just stuck there 24 hours a day. But hey, just a few more months, and I'll have another MRI, and if that's all clear we can stop the chemo. So I'm getting there, slowly.
EDIT: I forgot to mention, that my hair finally started growing back! :)
Financially things are... mixed. I'm only getting a third of my normal salary as long as I'm on sick benefits. However, I have applied to both the Workers' Council and the Theater Workers' Union for monetary aid and both of them did send me some money.
Also, something absolutely amazing happened which blew me away. It's a tradition in our theater to have a Christmas party with some fun events including a tombola. All the prizes are donated by the people, and the proceeds from it are put to good use by the local Union in a way that serves the community. However... this year the Union has decided to offer the proceedings to me! I was blown away. After they had already helped me, they went the extra mile for me. The theater leaders keep saying that our theater isn't just a workplace, but a family. And my theater family didn't let me down. I'm not one to cry normally but when I've been told about this my eyes got pretty wet.
I've made it through December thanks to a lot of amazing people helping me, including my mother, my patrons, and the theater people. But I'm running out of time. I have to go back to work, ASAP. Currently, me and my mother (who happens to be my coworker and boss at the theater) are trying to figure out how can I start working again while also accounting for my regular medical checkups and the fact that I'll be completely fucked for 9-10 days every time I take the monthly chemo. But the plan is that I will go back in the next few weeks or so. And I'm looking forward to it because I want to feel like I'm doing something meaningful again and I'm not yet ready to start painting. I'm sure that becoming active and busy will help both mentally and physically.
So, what to expect from 2024?
First of all, I'm breaking a lifelong tradition: I've never made New Year's resolutions because I think it's stupid. We do them because it's an expectation and not because we are genuinely determined to make a change (with very few exceptions). If you want to change your life, do it for the sake of wanting to, and not because of some silly "tradition". So my tradition is to not make resolutions but rather spend some time thinking about my life and where I want it to go. But... this year I'm making an exception. So here is my resolution: I am going to get better and beat cancer once and for all. And I'm not accepting anything less.
My plans for this year are simple. First focus on recovery. Then get back to painting as soon as I feel ready, and also pick 3D modeling back up again. And then back to my original plans from before this whole debacle.
Finally, I want to thank you all for everything. Your continued support is a strong motivation to do what I do. So I wish you all a happy, productive, and peaceful new year!
I've been silent for months now, and there's no better time to give an update than the start of the new year. :)
My regular bloodwork results are all good. I also had an MRI a while ago which looked as expected, though it's not conclusive yet because the area in my brain is still healing. But so far so good. On the other hand, the chemo is kicking my ass real good... I'm taking it for 5 days every month but in a way higher dose than before which means I feel absolutely awful for 8-9 days - imagine having food poisoning and at the "I'm about to throw up" point but you never actually do, you are just stuck there 24 hours a day. But hey, just a few more months, and I'll have another MRI, and if that's all clear we can stop the chemo. So I'm getting there, slowly.
EDIT: I forgot to mention, that my hair finally started growing back! :)
Financially things are... mixed. I'm only getting a third of my normal salary as long as I'm on sick benefits. However, I have applied to both the Workers' Council and the Theater Workers' Union for monetary aid and both of them did send me some money.
Also, something absolutely amazing happened which blew me away. It's a tradition in our theater to have a Christmas party with some fun events including a tombola. All the prizes are donated by the people, and the proceeds from it are put to good use by the local Union in a way that serves the community. However... this year the Union has decided to offer the proceedings to me! I was blown away. After they had already helped me, they went the extra mile for me. The theater leaders keep saying that our theater isn't just a workplace, but a family. And my theater family didn't let me down. I'm not one to cry normally but when I've been told about this my eyes got pretty wet.
I've made it through December thanks to a lot of amazing people helping me, including my mother, my patrons, and the theater people. But I'm running out of time. I have to go back to work, ASAP. Currently, me and my mother (who happens to be my coworker and boss at the theater) are trying to figure out how can I start working again while also accounting for my regular medical checkups and the fact that I'll be completely fucked for 9-10 days every time I take the monthly chemo. But the plan is that I will go back in the next few weeks or so. And I'm looking forward to it because I want to feel like I'm doing something meaningful again and I'm not yet ready to start painting. I'm sure that becoming active and busy will help both mentally and physically.
So, what to expect from 2024?
First of all, I'm breaking a lifelong tradition: I've never made New Year's resolutions because I think it's stupid. We do them because it's an expectation and not because we are genuinely determined to make a change (with very few exceptions). If you want to change your life, do it for the sake of wanting to, and not because of some silly "tradition". So my tradition is to not make resolutions but rather spend some time thinking about my life and where I want it to go. But... this year I'm making an exception. So here is my resolution: I am going to get better and beat cancer once and for all. And I'm not accepting anything less.
My plans for this year are simple. First focus on recovery. Then get back to painting as soon as I feel ready, and also pick 3D modeling back up again. And then back to my original plans from before this whole debacle.
Finally, I want to thank you all for everything. Your continued support is a strong motivation to do what I do. So I wish you all a happy, productive, and peaceful new year!
Cancer treatment update!
General | Posted 2 years ago Dear friends, followers, and anyone who is concerned!
I am in the 5th week of my 6 week treatment of radio and chemotherapy, and I thought I should give you all a little update. The treatment is going well, and the side effects are not too bad but they are still taking a toll on me.
The chemo I'm taking is specialized and is a single capsule I take in the evenings, and it is much nicer than the common version. It was giving me some pretty painful constipation at first, but that got under control with the help of some laxative.
The radiotherapy is hitting me harder actually, which is the opposite of what I expected. For one, it makes me constantly very, very tired, as if I barely slept at all. It sucks because I have no strength to do anything. I really want to paint but so far I couldn't gather the strength to do it. :( Also, I've lost 70-80% of my hair, and I'm still losing more due to the radiation causing hair follicles to shut down. AS long hair has been a core part of my identity for decades, this is a bit hard. They say it can take 6 months after treatment just for it to _start_ growing back... But I'll survive. I rather have temporary hair loss than another brain surgery...
So, a week and a half more, and I'm done! Then the tiredness should start clearing up over a few weeks. I'll still take a reduced those of chemo every 4th week for the next six months when there will be an MRI control scan, and if that is all clear I can stop the chemo.
All in all, I have a fairly good chance that this will be the end of story. Of course, I'll still need to have some more MRIs in the next years to make sure it isn't coming back, but it shouldn't.
Right now my biggest issue is that from next month on, I'll be on sick pay until I can return to work, which our dear government has set at 80% of the minimum wage, which is nothing. My normal salary is just enough for us to live, and now I'm only going to get 24% of that. :( And I can't really take on new commissions yet, I already have a backlog I need to clear. So if you would like to support me and you can afford to do so, you can make a donation via KoFi or sub to my Patreon. But if you can't, I understand, everyone is having a tough time now.
Stay tuned for further updates, and I wish to you all good health and good fortune!
I am in the 5th week of my 6 week treatment of radio and chemotherapy, and I thought I should give you all a little update. The treatment is going well, and the side effects are not too bad but they are still taking a toll on me.
The chemo I'm taking is specialized and is a single capsule I take in the evenings, and it is much nicer than the common version. It was giving me some pretty painful constipation at first, but that got under control with the help of some laxative.
The radiotherapy is hitting me harder actually, which is the opposite of what I expected. For one, it makes me constantly very, very tired, as if I barely slept at all. It sucks because I have no strength to do anything. I really want to paint but so far I couldn't gather the strength to do it. :( Also, I've lost 70-80% of my hair, and I'm still losing more due to the radiation causing hair follicles to shut down. AS long hair has been a core part of my identity for decades, this is a bit hard. They say it can take 6 months after treatment just for it to _start_ growing back... But I'll survive. I rather have temporary hair loss than another brain surgery...
So, a week and a half more, and I'm done! Then the tiredness should start clearing up over a few weeks. I'll still take a reduced those of chemo every 4th week for the next six months when there will be an MRI control scan, and if that is all clear I can stop the chemo.
All in all, I have a fairly good chance that this will be the end of story. Of course, I'll still need to have some more MRIs in the next years to make sure it isn't coming back, but it shouldn't.
Right now my biggest issue is that from next month on, I'll be on sick pay until I can return to work, which our dear government has set at 80% of the minimum wage, which is nothing. My normal salary is just enough for us to live, and now I'm only going to get 24% of that. :( And I can't really take on new commissions yet, I already have a backlog I need to clear. So if you would like to support me and you can afford to do so, you can make a donation via KoFi or sub to my Patreon. But if you can't, I understand, everyone is having a tough time now.
Stay tuned for further updates, and I wish to you all good health and good fortune!
My oncology consultation
General | Posted 2 years agoDear friends, followers, and supporters!
Today I had my first appointment with the oncologist. He was very nice and helpful, he explained everything in detail about my tumor and the treatments I'm going to get.
It's mostly good news with a bit of bad news.
The bad news is that the tumor was a grade 4 (out of 4), which means it's the fastest growing and has the highest chance of coming back. But from here it's good news. Within grade 4, it's a relatively tame one. It was a brain tissue tumor, meaning it wasn't coming from somewhere else, and this type of tumor does not spread to other organs. Also, there is a protein, and if it's mutated, then the cancer cells are less aggressive, and it is mutated for me. So overall, with the treatments I have good chances of it not coming back.
Treatment starts next Friday, and I'll get radio and chemo simultaneously. They made my radio mask today, just like in this video! Funnily enough, this popped up in my YouTube recommendations just yesterday.
The radio will not have any serious side effects, except for one: I'll have hair loss in the affected area. :( How much, they can't tell. But it will take 6 months after treatment for it to even start growing back... :( There will be 30 treatments over 6 weeks. Every day from Monday to Friday, then on weekends my body rests.
As for chemo, there is a pill that's developed especially for the type I have, and it's very effective. I'll have to take it daily. After the radio it's over I'll still have to take some but with breaks. Side effects are mild, but can include nausea and vomiting, which can be managed with medication. The one tricky part is that it can slow down the production of blood platelets. There is a 1% chance that my bone marrow doesn't handle it well and the production falls dangerously low, in which case the medicine needs to be stopped. They will do a blood test every week to monitor it. So this is not the standard chemo but a very specific targeted pill.
So all in all my chances of it never coming back are pretty good! I'm feeling positive about it all. But still, I can't help but feel nervous and anxious about the whole thing. I'm still just processing that I just had friggin brain cancer, that nearly killed me, and it still could even if the chance of that is very low. It feels so... unreal. It feels like it was all just a bad dream. I wish it was...
But I'll prevail. I'm a fighter and a survivor. I still have plenty of work to do in this life and I'm not allowing some stupid malfunctioning brain cells to stop me. I'll get through this all and come out stronger on the other side, mark my words!
I'll keep updating you all. Until then, stay safe and stay cool! :)
Today I had my first appointment with the oncologist. He was very nice and helpful, he explained everything in detail about my tumor and the treatments I'm going to get.
It's mostly good news with a bit of bad news.
The bad news is that the tumor was a grade 4 (out of 4), which means it's the fastest growing and has the highest chance of coming back. But from here it's good news. Within grade 4, it's a relatively tame one. It was a brain tissue tumor, meaning it wasn't coming from somewhere else, and this type of tumor does not spread to other organs. Also, there is a protein, and if it's mutated, then the cancer cells are less aggressive, and it is mutated for me. So overall, with the treatments I have good chances of it not coming back.
Treatment starts next Friday, and I'll get radio and chemo simultaneously. They made my radio mask today, just like in this video! Funnily enough, this popped up in my YouTube recommendations just yesterday.
The radio will not have any serious side effects, except for one: I'll have hair loss in the affected area. :( How much, they can't tell. But it will take 6 months after treatment for it to even start growing back... :( There will be 30 treatments over 6 weeks. Every day from Monday to Friday, then on weekends my body rests.
As for chemo, there is a pill that's developed especially for the type I have, and it's very effective. I'll have to take it daily. After the radio it's over I'll still have to take some but with breaks. Side effects are mild, but can include nausea and vomiting, which can be managed with medication. The one tricky part is that it can slow down the production of blood platelets. There is a 1% chance that my bone marrow doesn't handle it well and the production falls dangerously low, in which case the medicine needs to be stopped. They will do a blood test every week to monitor it. So this is not the standard chemo but a very specific targeted pill.
So all in all my chances of it never coming back are pretty good! I'm feeling positive about it all. But still, I can't help but feel nervous and anxious about the whole thing. I'm still just processing that I just had friggin brain cancer, that nearly killed me, and it still could even if the chance of that is very low. It feels so... unreal. It feels like it was all just a bad dream. I wish it was...
But I'll prevail. I'm a fighter and a survivor. I still have plenty of work to do in this life and I'm not allowing some stupid malfunctioning brain cells to stop me. I'll get through this all and come out stronger on the other side, mark my words!
I'll keep updating you all. Until then, stay safe and stay cool! :)
I had BRAIN CANCER
General | Posted 2 years agoDear friends, followers!
The past few weeks were an insane rollercoaster and not the fun kind. It is now time to let you all know what happened to me.
It all started as simple migraines. But as time passed my symptoms kept getting worse exponentially, and at this point, I was supposed to get a head and neck X-ray. I discussed it with my mother, that she would come to visit, and then I would get a taxi and be escorted to the hospital by my flatmate. But when the day came and my mother arrived, she found me in a very deteriorated state: I didn't fully know where I am, I was pale as a wall, my speech was very slow and slurred and I couldn't get out of bed without help, and I was projectile vomiting. My mother and flatmate tried to hold me and help me get to the taxi waiting but I fell into a bush and couldn't get up so they had to drag me up. AT this point they called an ambulance. Later I was told that I practically looked as if I was having a drug overdose.
From this point, I don't remember 98% of what happened, only a few blurry fragments. Paramedics arrived and looked concerned. I'm vomiting in the ambulance. Medics are dragging me through some hospital corridor. Then I'm sitting in a doctor's office and being told that my MRI shows I have a massive brain tumor and I require immediate surgery. And the next thing I remember is waking up after surgery. I didn't even have time for the news to sink in.
I've read the MRI report later. The tumor caused edema, and my brain was so squished that some of the right brain was hanging over into the left side of the skull. The center of my brain was an entire 10 millimeters to the left of the center of my skull. There were also several spot bleeds in my brain. I was practically nearly dying.
I was then in the hospital for 10 days or so, having wild hallucinations for the first week. At times I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. I also had strong double vision and couldn't stand without holding onto something because I was randomly losing my balance. But my surgery went really well, and I was slowly getting better. Now I'm recovering at home. My vision is almost back to normal, but I'm still very tired and weak. Full recovery will take some time.
Then finally today the tumor autopsy results came in. It's malignant. In other words, it's cancer. So now I need to meet an oncologist for consultation and get started on radiotherapy ASAP. I'm assuming there will also be chemotherapy after that. Overall I'm relatively young (36) and otherwise healthy and strong, so I should handle the treatments well, and I'm feeling positive that it will be successful. It is what it is, there is no point in wasting my energy on feeling sorry for myself, rather I'll focus on moving forward and pushing through. I got this!
But I would lie if I said that the news didn't hit me pretty hard, or that I'm not afraid. I am. Honestly, I'm mostly afraid of what chemotherapy will do to me. That thing is brutal. But it has to be done. I'm just really hoping that with that this whole nightmare will finally be over.
Sadly it will take a while until I'm able to get back to art, even though I really want to paint. For now, I have to focus on just recovering and gaining back my strength as well as getting through radio and chemo. So I have no way to know when can I really start painting again.
Also, while the medical treatment was free as we have universal healthcare here, there are all kinds of costs associated with this whole debacle and my recovery, and from next month I'll get a reduced salary as I'll be on medical leave. So if you feel like joining my Patreon, or perhaps giving me a little donation, now would be a great time.
I'll be updating you all on my situation as time goes on. I have an oncology appointment this Thursday, I'll know more about the specifics of my tumor and the treatment I'll get after that. Until then, stay safe, be happy, and maybe send me some positive thoughts. :)
The past few weeks were an insane rollercoaster and not the fun kind. It is now time to let you all know what happened to me.
It all started as simple migraines. But as time passed my symptoms kept getting worse exponentially, and at this point, I was supposed to get a head and neck X-ray. I discussed it with my mother, that she would come to visit, and then I would get a taxi and be escorted to the hospital by my flatmate. But when the day came and my mother arrived, she found me in a very deteriorated state: I didn't fully know where I am, I was pale as a wall, my speech was very slow and slurred and I couldn't get out of bed without help, and I was projectile vomiting. My mother and flatmate tried to hold me and help me get to the taxi waiting but I fell into a bush and couldn't get up so they had to drag me up. AT this point they called an ambulance. Later I was told that I practically looked as if I was having a drug overdose.
From this point, I don't remember 98% of what happened, only a few blurry fragments. Paramedics arrived and looked concerned. I'm vomiting in the ambulance. Medics are dragging me through some hospital corridor. Then I'm sitting in a doctor's office and being told that my MRI shows I have a massive brain tumor and I require immediate surgery. And the next thing I remember is waking up after surgery. I didn't even have time for the news to sink in.
I've read the MRI report later. The tumor caused edema, and my brain was so squished that some of the right brain was hanging over into the left side of the skull. The center of my brain was an entire 10 millimeters to the left of the center of my skull. There were also several spot bleeds in my brain. I was practically nearly dying.
I was then in the hospital for 10 days or so, having wild hallucinations for the first week. At times I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. I also had strong double vision and couldn't stand without holding onto something because I was randomly losing my balance. But my surgery went really well, and I was slowly getting better. Now I'm recovering at home. My vision is almost back to normal, but I'm still very tired and weak. Full recovery will take some time.
Then finally today the tumor autopsy results came in. It's malignant. In other words, it's cancer. So now I need to meet an oncologist for consultation and get started on radiotherapy ASAP. I'm assuming there will also be chemotherapy after that. Overall I'm relatively young (36) and otherwise healthy and strong, so I should handle the treatments well, and I'm feeling positive that it will be successful. It is what it is, there is no point in wasting my energy on feeling sorry for myself, rather I'll focus on moving forward and pushing through. I got this!
But I would lie if I said that the news didn't hit me pretty hard, or that I'm not afraid. I am. Honestly, I'm mostly afraid of what chemotherapy will do to me. That thing is brutal. But it has to be done. I'm just really hoping that with that this whole nightmare will finally be over.
Sadly it will take a while until I'm able to get back to art, even though I really want to paint. For now, I have to focus on just recovering and gaining back my strength as well as getting through radio and chemo. So I have no way to know when can I really start painting again.
Also, while the medical treatment was free as we have universal healthcare here, there are all kinds of costs associated with this whole debacle and my recovery, and from next month I'll get a reduced salary as I'll be on medical leave. So if you feel like joining my Patreon, or perhaps giving me a little donation, now would be a great time.
I'll be updating you all on my situation as time goes on. I have an oncology appointment this Thursday, I'll know more about the specifics of my tumor and the treatment I'll get after that. Until then, stay safe, be happy, and maybe send me some positive thoughts. :)
Update + Happy Holidays!
General | Posted 3 years ago Dear friends, patrons, and followers!
I have been silent these past months, so I wished to give you a quick update on what's up with me.
My theater work is going well, but it also takes a lot of my time and energy, and what's left I was spending on resting or getting things done from house chores to sorting out finances. My salary covers my living costs, which is a great relief, though thanks to the war in Ukraine the economy is not doing well and food prices are insane, so my salary quickly went from covering everything and having a bunch left to save up to just covering everything. This leaves me a bit worried about the coming months, but for now I'm just focusing on the present.
Meanwhile, my recovery from depression is going alright, but as expected, the arrival of winter is making a bit of a dent in my mood and state. This is normal, my doctor told me that I'll likely experience it getting a bit worse over the winter months, but it should get better again with the arrival of spring, at which point if all goes well we might discuss lowering my medicine dose. So for now I'm taking it slow.
As for productivity, I have essentially taken a complete break from art for the past few months. I needed to regenerate and focus on putting my life back together. I was planning to resume working on art soon, though the winter may slow things down. Still, I hope I can start making some progress after the holidays are over, and slowly build up as we are getting closer to spring. So I'm asking for a little more patience from you, and I can't promise any timelines, but I can promise you that I'm really looking forward to start painting again and that when I get there it will be worth the wait. :) In the end, art is still my calling and what I want to do. All that's happening now are just little delays and detours. So rest assured that I'm not going anywhere. And I already have a lot of new ideas to paint - although first of course I'll focus on finishing outstanding commissions.
So all in all things are going alright, but sorting it all out takes time, and a lot of effort and figuring out. But I'll get there.
Finally, I would like to wish you all happy holidays, whichever ones you may observe (for me it was Winter Solstice yesterday), as well as a happy new year full of opportunities, wonders, love, and peace!
Sincerely,
The gayest pansexual Unicorn in town
I have been silent these past months, so I wished to give you a quick update on what's up with me.
My theater work is going well, but it also takes a lot of my time and energy, and what's left I was spending on resting or getting things done from house chores to sorting out finances. My salary covers my living costs, which is a great relief, though thanks to the war in Ukraine the economy is not doing well and food prices are insane, so my salary quickly went from covering everything and having a bunch left to save up to just covering everything. This leaves me a bit worried about the coming months, but for now I'm just focusing on the present.
Meanwhile, my recovery from depression is going alright, but as expected, the arrival of winter is making a bit of a dent in my mood and state. This is normal, my doctor told me that I'll likely experience it getting a bit worse over the winter months, but it should get better again with the arrival of spring, at which point if all goes well we might discuss lowering my medicine dose. So for now I'm taking it slow.
As for productivity, I have essentially taken a complete break from art for the past few months. I needed to regenerate and focus on putting my life back together. I was planning to resume working on art soon, though the winter may slow things down. Still, I hope I can start making some progress after the holidays are over, and slowly build up as we are getting closer to spring. So I'm asking for a little more patience from you, and I can't promise any timelines, but I can promise you that I'm really looking forward to start painting again and that when I get there it will be worth the wait. :) In the end, art is still my calling and what I want to do. All that's happening now are just little delays and detours. So rest assured that I'm not going anywhere. And I already have a lot of new ideas to paint - although first of course I'll focus on finishing outstanding commissions.
So all in all things are going alright, but sorting it all out takes time, and a lot of effort and figuring out. But I'll get there.
Finally, I would like to wish you all happy holidays, whichever ones you may observe (for me it was Winter Solstice yesterday), as well as a happy new year full of opportunities, wonders, love, and peace!
Sincerely,
The gayest pansexual Unicorn in town
Crazy weeks
General | Posted 3 years ago Dear friends and followers!
This is just a quick update about the state of things.
As you know I have started a full-time job out of necessity. It's going well, but it's hard work, especially right now, since the theater has final rehearsals for a new play before its premiere, so for a few weeks I'm working from 9 AM to 9 PM 6 days a week... ugh... But it's OK, I'll survive, and then it gets better. It's a necessary sacrifice.
My mental health is alright. The change from sitting home all day to being active and doing various stuff definitely helped, and so did the knowledge that my financial survival is taken care of for the time being.
My psychiatrist was impressed with my progress! She said that when she first met me she wouldn't have expected that I would progress so much in just a bunch of months.
So overall things are alright. Once the crazy weeks are over I'll have some more free time to actually do some creative things. I really got into 3D modeling now, so that will be a focus for sure, and of course, I have existing painting commissions to finish. For now, I'll upload some 3D WIPs until I have more to show.
I want to thank you all for being part of my journey one way or another, and special thanks go to my wonderful supporters on Patreon whose contributions made a real difference and continues to do so, and without which I would not be where I am today, making a recovery.
So once again, thank you for being part of my journey, and stay tuned! :)
This is just a quick update about the state of things.
As you know I have started a full-time job out of necessity. It's going well, but it's hard work, especially right now, since the theater has final rehearsals for a new play before its premiere, so for a few weeks I'm working from 9 AM to 9 PM 6 days a week... ugh... But it's OK, I'll survive, and then it gets better. It's a necessary sacrifice.
My mental health is alright. The change from sitting home all day to being active and doing various stuff definitely helped, and so did the knowledge that my financial survival is taken care of for the time being.
My psychiatrist was impressed with my progress! She said that when she first met me she wouldn't have expected that I would progress so much in just a bunch of months.
So overall things are alright. Once the crazy weeks are over I'll have some more free time to actually do some creative things. I really got into 3D modeling now, so that will be a focus for sure, and of course, I have existing painting commissions to finish. For now, I'll upload some 3D WIPs until I have more to show.
I want to thank you all for being part of my journey one way or another, and special thanks go to my wonderful supporters on Patreon whose contributions made a real difference and continues to do so, and without which I would not be where I am today, making a recovery.
So once again, thank you for being part of my journey, and stay tuned! :)
I made a tough decision...
General | Posted 3 years ago Dear friends, patrons, and watchers!
As you know, for many years art was my only job, but I struggled due to depression. A few months ago I finally got treatment and things started to look better. But then, due to the war in Ukraine, food prices started skyrocketing, and just recently our government significantly increased electricity and gas prices, which will impact me heavily. I tried to open for smaller commissions, but no takers (not surprised, the economic crisis hurts everyone, and it's con season too.) And all this caused my depression to start coming back, even after the medicine dosage was raised to the maximum. I just can't survive like this.
And so, I made the tough decision to temporarily push art to the sidelines, and get a normal job.
Due to my autism and ADHD, there are very few jobs I can do without burning out extremely fast, but there is one that I could do in the past, which was working props in a theater part-time. Now taking the same job, but full-time, as that was the only option. It's hard work for a mere $700 a month, which is really not much, but it will cover all my needs, and I'll have a little left to save up for other important things.
Don't worry, I'm not giving up art! I could never. Art is my life, my dharma, my dedication.
But for now, I have to focus on survival and healing. I will need to see and figure out how can I find time and energy for art while also having this job. I will be permanently closed for commissions for now, and just finish the existing ones. After that, I'll keep working only on my personal art, until I'm ready and able to quit this job and go back to full-time artist.
Wish me luck!
As you know, for many years art was my only job, but I struggled due to depression. A few months ago I finally got treatment and things started to look better. But then, due to the war in Ukraine, food prices started skyrocketing, and just recently our government significantly increased electricity and gas prices, which will impact me heavily. I tried to open for smaller commissions, but no takers (not surprised, the economic crisis hurts everyone, and it's con season too.) And all this caused my depression to start coming back, even after the medicine dosage was raised to the maximum. I just can't survive like this.
And so, I made the tough decision to temporarily push art to the sidelines, and get a normal job.
Due to my autism and ADHD, there are very few jobs I can do without burning out extremely fast, but there is one that I could do in the past, which was working props in a theater part-time. Now taking the same job, but full-time, as that was the only option. It's hard work for a mere $700 a month, which is really not much, but it will cover all my needs, and I'll have a little left to save up for other important things.
Don't worry, I'm not giving up art! I could never. Art is my life, my dharma, my dedication.
But for now, I have to focus on survival and healing. I will need to see and figure out how can I find time and energy for art while also having this job. I will be permanently closed for commissions for now, and just finish the existing ones. After that, I'll keep working only on my personal art, until I'm ready and able to quit this job and go back to full-time artist.
Wish me luck!
Update - Opening for small commissions soon!
General | Posted 3 years ago Dear friends, patrons, and watchers!
Last time I told you that skyrocketing food prices and our government's decision to significantly increase electricity and gas bills put me in a very bad financial situation. This has also led to a lot of anxiety and a relapse in my depression.
After increasing my antidepressant dose and thinking through my options, here is what I concluded: I need money one way or another, but I don't want to start growing my commission backlog when I already have several illustrations in it. So the only option I see is that I will try to constantly pick up small jobs like busts and portraits (and perhaps raise prices first). 3-4 of those a month should, for the moment, give me some safety.
Of course, this sadly means my illustration backlog will take longer, and I'll have even less time for personal art. But I simply have no choice - unless I somehow get a decent amount of money by some miracle.
So this is what I'm going to do now.
Also, any bit of support is greatly appreciated. You can donate through KoFi or the Shinies, or you can join my Patreon for ongoing support (occasionally has extra content like sketches and WIPs). Thank you for considering! And of course, thank you to my existing Patrons, your help means a lot and makes a difference!
Last time I told you that skyrocketing food prices and our government's decision to significantly increase electricity and gas bills put me in a very bad financial situation. This has also led to a lot of anxiety and a relapse in my depression.
After increasing my antidepressant dose and thinking through my options, here is what I concluded: I need money one way or another, but I don't want to start growing my commission backlog when I already have several illustrations in it. So the only option I see is that I will try to constantly pick up small jobs like busts and portraits (and perhaps raise prices first). 3-4 of those a month should, for the moment, give me some safety.
Of course, this sadly means my illustration backlog will take longer, and I'll have even less time for personal art. But I simply have no choice - unless I somehow get a decent amount of money by some miracle.
So this is what I'm going to do now.
Also, any bit of support is greatly appreciated. You can donate through KoFi or the Shinies, or you can join my Patreon for ongoing support (occasionally has extra content like sketches and WIPs). Thank you for considering! And of course, thank you to my existing Patrons, your help means a lot and makes a difference!
Good news and BAD news...
General | Posted 3 years agoDear friends, patrons, followers!
Here is another update for you, and I'm afraid it's mostly not good.
The good news is that the medication is working and I'm feeling better, even if I have some worse days, and this helps moving forward.
The bad news is that the war in Ukraine and our government throwing people under the bus is destroying us financially.
Long story short: food prices kept shooting up the past months, and now everything is 50-80% more expensive than a few months ago, which already caused us to blow through our monthly budget in two weeks. We are already having a difficulty buying groceries.
And if that wasn't enough, the government threw small businesses and common people under the bus. They changed small business taxation in a way that will cause many to go bankrupt and this will further increase prices, and then they changed their utility price regulation in a way that will make our bills significantly increase from next month.
They determined an unreasonably low consumption as "the average" (unreasonable even for a single person household). Electricity above that will cost 100% more and gas above it 750% more. Yes, you read that right, seven hundred fifty percent more. I wish I was kidding.
At this point I keep trying to progress with my commissions, but right now I can't see how will I be able to pay my bills and buy food from next month. There is still some hope that the government will be pressured to raise the determined minimum, but even then, food prices alone are insane.
All I can do right now is hold onto hope.
Here is another update for you, and I'm afraid it's mostly not good.
The good news is that the medication is working and I'm feeling better, even if I have some worse days, and this helps moving forward.
The bad news is that the war in Ukraine and our government throwing people under the bus is destroying us financially.
Long story short: food prices kept shooting up the past months, and now everything is 50-80% more expensive than a few months ago, which already caused us to blow through our monthly budget in two weeks. We are already having a difficulty buying groceries.
And if that wasn't enough, the government threw small businesses and common people under the bus. They changed small business taxation in a way that will cause many to go bankrupt and this will further increase prices, and then they changed their utility price regulation in a way that will make our bills significantly increase from next month.
They determined an unreasonably low consumption as "the average" (unreasonable even for a single person household). Electricity above that will cost 100% more and gas above it 750% more. Yes, you read that right, seven hundred fifty percent more. I wish I was kidding.
At this point I keep trying to progress with my commissions, but right now I can't see how will I be able to pay my bills and buy food from next month. There is still some hope that the government will be pressured to raise the determined minimum, but even then, food prices alone are insane.
All I can do right now is hold onto hope.
My health is improving! (slowly)
General | Posted 3 years ago Dear friends, patrons, and watchers!
As you know I have finally been getting professional help with my depression, and am on medication now.
It's day 35 on SSRI now, and I would like to give you a quick update.
After I got through the initial week of side effects kicking my ass, I started to feel better in many ways. I was only a bit better, but the difference already felt very significant. Since then I improved more and started slowly getting back to painting.
At around week 4, I experienced some relapse. I couldn't decide if the medicine is losing effectiveness, which would mean I need my dose increased, or if it was just a "wave" - depression tends to get better and then worse in waves. My productivity dropped back, but I decided to wait and see. But even at this relapse, I was nowhere nearly as bad as before the medication.
Then these past days I'm feeling better again, and now back to painting once more!
I'm expecting that I'll still have waves of better weeks and worse weeks. I'll meet the psychiatrist again in 2 weeks, and I'll discuss my experiences with her to see if we should try increasing the dose.
But overall, there is progress. It's a bumpy road, but it's progress nevertheless. I'm slowly finishing up some overdue commissions, and I've also concluded that I should give myself time to work on personal art as well, to maintain a healthy balance.
The road to fully healing will take years, probably. And getting back to decent productivity may take months. But I'll get there eventually. And hopefully, from now on you will be able to see new content from me more and more often. :)
So thank you for accompanying me on this journey this far, and stay tuned to see where we end up! :)
As you know I have finally been getting professional help with my depression, and am on medication now.
It's day 35 on SSRI now, and I would like to give you a quick update.
After I got through the initial week of side effects kicking my ass, I started to feel better in many ways. I was only a bit better, but the difference already felt very significant. Since then I improved more and started slowly getting back to painting.
At around week 4, I experienced some relapse. I couldn't decide if the medicine is losing effectiveness, which would mean I need my dose increased, or if it was just a "wave" - depression tends to get better and then worse in waves. My productivity dropped back, but I decided to wait and see. But even at this relapse, I was nowhere nearly as bad as before the medication.
Then these past days I'm feeling better again, and now back to painting once more!
I'm expecting that I'll still have waves of better weeks and worse weeks. I'll meet the psychiatrist again in 2 weeks, and I'll discuss my experiences with her to see if we should try increasing the dose.
But overall, there is progress. It's a bumpy road, but it's progress nevertheless. I'm slowly finishing up some overdue commissions, and I've also concluded that I should give myself time to work on personal art as well, to maintain a healthy balance.
The road to fully healing will take years, probably. And getting back to decent productivity may take months. But I'll get there eventually. And hopefully, from now on you will be able to see new content from me more and more often. :)
So thank you for accompanying me on this journey this far, and stay tuned to see where we end up! :)
So I saw a psychiatrist yesterday
General | Posted 3 years ago Dear friends, patrons, and followers!
A bunch of things happened lately but I wanted to wait with writing an update until I've reached this milestone. I'm suffering from depression for something over 25 years, and anxiety for many years too. It's been so long that I don't remember anymore what it was like to feel alright. And yesterday I saw a professional about it for the first time in my life.
The past weeks were hectic, with some pretty bad bursts of depression and a constant baseline anxiety as I was trying to sort my insurance out - again - as well as trying to finally get hold of the psychiatric clinic, but eventually, I got an appointment for yesterday.
Long story short, I'm on SSRI starting today. The doctor and her assistant were very friendly and understanding. She quickly concluded that indeed I have major depression and that medication is strongly recommended. So I'm taking Escitalopram now. She said this one has fairly mild side effects, which will start right away - case in point, I'm getting mild dizziness right now - and positive effects should start in about a week. The full effect is reached in like two months. I'll check back with her in 3 weeks, to see how well it works, if the dose needs adjustment or maybe we need to try a different one. The good thing about this med is that it treats both depression and anxiety at the same time.
Right now I feel really mixed. I don't like the idea of taking this thing, but I'm hopeful that it will help and give me some breathing room. The first week is going to suck, with only side effects and no positive effects yet. I hope it's worth it. Wish me luck!
At the same time, I have to mention that I was unable to work for a long time now due to my condition, and it will be a while before the medication - hopefully - really makes a difference. Right now I can barely get through the month for the past few months. I hate to ask, but if you can, a little help would be greatly appreciated. You can support me through either Patreon or by making a one-time donation via Ko-Fi. Any little bit helps and is truly appreciated.
Thank you for being part of my journey. Stay tuned for updates!
A bunch of things happened lately but I wanted to wait with writing an update until I've reached this milestone. I'm suffering from depression for something over 25 years, and anxiety for many years too. It's been so long that I don't remember anymore what it was like to feel alright. And yesterday I saw a professional about it for the first time in my life.
The past weeks were hectic, with some pretty bad bursts of depression and a constant baseline anxiety as I was trying to sort my insurance out - again - as well as trying to finally get hold of the psychiatric clinic, but eventually, I got an appointment for yesterday.
Long story short, I'm on SSRI starting today. The doctor and her assistant were very friendly and understanding. She quickly concluded that indeed I have major depression and that medication is strongly recommended. So I'm taking Escitalopram now. She said this one has fairly mild side effects, which will start right away - case in point, I'm getting mild dizziness right now - and positive effects should start in about a week. The full effect is reached in like two months. I'll check back with her in 3 weeks, to see how well it works, if the dose needs adjustment or maybe we need to try a different one. The good thing about this med is that it treats both depression and anxiety at the same time.
Right now I feel really mixed. I don't like the idea of taking this thing, but I'm hopeful that it will help and give me some breathing room. The first week is going to suck, with only side effects and no positive effects yet. I hope it's worth it. Wish me luck!
At the same time, I have to mention that I was unable to work for a long time now due to my condition, and it will be a while before the medication - hopefully - really makes a difference. Right now I can barely get through the month for the past few months. I hate to ask, but if you can, a little help would be greatly appreciated. You can support me through either Patreon or by making a one-time donation via Ko-Fi. Any little bit helps and is truly appreciated.
Thank you for being part of my journey. Stay tuned for updates!
Health update
General | Posted 4 years ago Dear friends, Patrons, followers!
I felt it's time to give you a little update.
So my blood test was pretty good, though it revealed two potential issues. One is high uric acid, which can lead to stuff like kidney stones and gout down the line. It can be addressed by a change of diet, but sadly all the things I should be eating for losing weight are the exact things I should avoid or keep down for the uric acid. And the list of stuff that should be fine for both is the exact list of things I hate. :| Ugh... Fuck you Life, for real. But hopefully, I can figure something out.
The other potential issue is a too high liver related value, which is weird because I drink extremely rarely, and don't do anything that should mess with my liver. So to be safe I was sent for an ultrasound screening. Appointment in mid-January.
The first blood pressure med was giving me a bad side effect so it was changed. The new one takes 2-3 weeks total until we can really tell how it works, but these past few days I've started to measure better blood pressure values so that's a good sign. With some luck, it works out and we don't need to change/adjust it. I'm also feeling a bit better I think. Checking back with the doctor in January.
And I'm still trying to get in touch with the psychiatry to get a damn appointment finally.
As for my training machine, it is missing somewhere in shipping - the warehouse in Romania says they sent it but the warehouse in Hungary says they never received it, so now I'm waiting for the seller to figure out what the fuck is going on. I'm disappointed because it was supposed to be delivered before the holidays. :(
Meanwhile, I had and have to deal with a bunch of other problems. My cat needed medical attention with an inflamed toe growth. At first, the vet said if it doesn't clear up it may be cancer and the toe may need to go... luckily, it did clear up but it was giving me quite some stress. I finally got my state insurance out of limbo, but now I have to pay it, and the tax agency billed me for two years worth retroactively, that I'll need to beg them to please let go of, but their online system is absolutely unusable so I'll have to go in personally sometimes. And there is also a very large water bill thanks to some miscalculations on the provider side that I'll need to sort out somehow. I could really use a break...
So overall, some steps were made in the right direction, and I'm trying to be positive. But also there is a lot of shit still hanging above my head and I don't feel like I have to strength to deal with them. But I have to... I have no choice. I just hope I can sort things out before it all comes crashing down.
So I just want to thank you all again for supporting me and believing in me. It really means a lot, and helps a lot. And hopefully this next year I'll be seeing more art and fewer health problems from me, fingers crossed.
I hope you all had a good Midwinter or other holidays, and I wish you all a better New Year!
I felt it's time to give you a little update.
So my blood test was pretty good, though it revealed two potential issues. One is high uric acid, which can lead to stuff like kidney stones and gout down the line. It can be addressed by a change of diet, but sadly all the things I should be eating for losing weight are the exact things I should avoid or keep down for the uric acid. And the list of stuff that should be fine for both is the exact list of things I hate. :| Ugh... Fuck you Life, for real. But hopefully, I can figure something out.
The other potential issue is a too high liver related value, which is weird because I drink extremely rarely, and don't do anything that should mess with my liver. So to be safe I was sent for an ultrasound screening. Appointment in mid-January.
The first blood pressure med was giving me a bad side effect so it was changed. The new one takes 2-3 weeks total until we can really tell how it works, but these past few days I've started to measure better blood pressure values so that's a good sign. With some luck, it works out and we don't need to change/adjust it. I'm also feeling a bit better I think. Checking back with the doctor in January.
And I'm still trying to get in touch with the psychiatry to get a damn appointment finally.
As for my training machine, it is missing somewhere in shipping - the warehouse in Romania says they sent it but the warehouse in Hungary says they never received it, so now I'm waiting for the seller to figure out what the fuck is going on. I'm disappointed because it was supposed to be delivered before the holidays. :(
Meanwhile, I had and have to deal with a bunch of other problems. My cat needed medical attention with an inflamed toe growth. At first, the vet said if it doesn't clear up it may be cancer and the toe may need to go... luckily, it did clear up but it was giving me quite some stress. I finally got my state insurance out of limbo, but now I have to pay it, and the tax agency billed me for two years worth retroactively, that I'll need to beg them to please let go of, but their online system is absolutely unusable so I'll have to go in personally sometimes. And there is also a very large water bill thanks to some miscalculations on the provider side that I'll need to sort out somehow. I could really use a break...
So overall, some steps were made in the right direction, and I'm trying to be positive. But also there is a lot of shit still hanging above my head and I don't feel like I have to strength to deal with them. But I have to... I have no choice. I just hope I can sort things out before it all comes crashing down.
So I just want to thank you all again for supporting me and believing in me. It really means a lot, and helps a lot. And hopefully this next year I'll be seeing more art and fewer health problems from me, fingers crossed.
I hope you all had a good Midwinter or other holidays, and I wish you all a better New Year!
Health update: Medical exams and medication
General | Posted 4 years ago Dear friends, Patrons, followers!
I would like to give you an update on my recent silence and the latest developments.
Long story short: the past months I was feeling better and making progress, I started to exercise and eat healthier too... but then I started to feel worse again. 2-3 weeks ago I got much worse: constantly extremely tired as if I didn't get any sleep, slight dizziness and nausea, random surges of insatiable hunger even though I've just eaten, mysterious muscle pains, and high blood pressure.
Meanwhile, my insurance was in limbo due to a mistake in the records and the tax agency kept contradicting itself...
But as my symptoms got worse, I started to get scared and a week ago I went to see the on-duty/emergency doctor. They found my blood pressure was dangerously high, gave me a pill to stabilize temporarily.
After checking in with my normal doctor, I was made to wear an automated blood pressure meter for 24 hours. The results are not good. My blood pressure is constantly very high: Normally it shouldn't exceed 130 systolic, but mine was constantly 150-160 or above, with several spikes in 170-180 and even 190. For the record, when it's permanently 180+ it's a medical emergency.
I was given a combined medication starting today (80mg Telmisartan + 10mg Amlodipin), which will hopefully get it under control. Tomorrow I'll have blood and urine tests done to rule out other possible problems. Then in a week, I'll check back with my doctor to see how the medication worked. The blood pressure might be a major contributor to my chronic tiredness and weakness.
Best case scenario: the high blood pressure was the main culprit, and getting it under control will give me back my energy to actually make progress with my life, and losing weight may render the medication unnecessary eventually. So I'm hopeful.
Of course the most important is to lose weight, get constant movement and exercise as well as adjust my diet. The good thing is that I was already doing these, though I just got started in the past weeks, and I need to kick it up a notch or two.
A good friend borrowed me some money so I can buy an elliptical training machine, and can work out right in my room. I ordered it, and should be delivered by next Tuesday. My doctor approved of this idea.
I've also asked to get recommended to a psychiatrist to diagnose my depression and discuss the possibility of taking medication for it. I have my reservations, but we will see. At the very least I want to discuss it with them.
So here I am now. Wish me luck that things will improve. And of course, I'll keep you informed.
I would like to give you an update on my recent silence and the latest developments.
Long story short: the past months I was feeling better and making progress, I started to exercise and eat healthier too... but then I started to feel worse again. 2-3 weeks ago I got much worse: constantly extremely tired as if I didn't get any sleep, slight dizziness and nausea, random surges of insatiable hunger even though I've just eaten, mysterious muscle pains, and high blood pressure.
Meanwhile, my insurance was in limbo due to a mistake in the records and the tax agency kept contradicting itself...
But as my symptoms got worse, I started to get scared and a week ago I went to see the on-duty/emergency doctor. They found my blood pressure was dangerously high, gave me a pill to stabilize temporarily.
After checking in with my normal doctor, I was made to wear an automated blood pressure meter for 24 hours. The results are not good. My blood pressure is constantly very high: Normally it shouldn't exceed 130 systolic, but mine was constantly 150-160 or above, with several spikes in 170-180 and even 190. For the record, when it's permanently 180+ it's a medical emergency.
I was given a combined medication starting today (80mg Telmisartan + 10mg Amlodipin), which will hopefully get it under control. Tomorrow I'll have blood and urine tests done to rule out other possible problems. Then in a week, I'll check back with my doctor to see how the medication worked. The blood pressure might be a major contributor to my chronic tiredness and weakness.
Best case scenario: the high blood pressure was the main culprit, and getting it under control will give me back my energy to actually make progress with my life, and losing weight may render the medication unnecessary eventually. So I'm hopeful.
Of course the most important is to lose weight, get constant movement and exercise as well as adjust my diet. The good thing is that I was already doing these, though I just got started in the past weeks, and I need to kick it up a notch or two.
A good friend borrowed me some money so I can buy an elliptical training machine, and can work out right in my room. I ordered it, and should be delivered by next Tuesday. My doctor approved of this idea.
I've also asked to get recommended to a psychiatrist to diagnose my depression and discuss the possibility of taking medication for it. I have my reservations, but we will see. At the very least I want to discuss it with them.
So here I am now. Wish me luck that things will improve. And of course, I'll keep you informed.
The slow path to healing
General | Posted 4 years ago Dear friends, patrons, and followers!
In the past months, a lot happened and I have a bunch of good news. Most importantly, I made a significant breakthrough with my mental health problems! Thanks to some videos by HealthyGamerGG, I've finally got answers to many questions that kept me feeling helpless for years. A lot of weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I now have a much better understanding of what has gone wrong and how to fix it. And that is huge!
However, the real hard part comes only now. When your brain does things the same way over and over, it gets programmed - in scientific terms: conditioned - to behave that way. Many years of these problems thus created unhealthy mind patterns, habits, and tendencies, and these don't just go away overnight when you find answers. The answers only expose them, and give you the basis for changing them, but to create the actual permanent change, these bad neural connections need to be overwritten by good ones. That is, I need to condition my brain to work in a healthy way, and that takes a lot of hard work and time.
My productivity, for example, is impacted by this. While I now understand what caused my creative blocks and stopped me from being productive, and these unhealthy thoughts have been dismantled, the conditioning remains so now I need to teach my brain how to be productive again. I had to realize this when despite feeling generally so much better, and most of my productivity-related anxiety and depression now gone, I still have a very hard time to actually get things done.
So I'm on the path of healing now, and I'm very positive and hopeful about it. But it will be a slow and tedious process, so please bear with me a little longer.
Also, let me again thank you all for your continued support, be that via commissioning, being a patron, saying words of encouragement, or just watching and favoriting. At the end of the day, I want to make art so that I can share it with you all, and when people enjoy my art it makes the struggle feel meaningful and gives me purpose. So thank you. That said, in these difficult times financial support is more appreciated than ever, so if you would like to do so, you can support me on Patreon, or donate through Ko-Fi. Every little bit helps.
So until next time, stay tuned and be safe! <3
In the past months, a lot happened and I have a bunch of good news. Most importantly, I made a significant breakthrough with my mental health problems! Thanks to some videos by HealthyGamerGG, I've finally got answers to many questions that kept me feeling helpless for years. A lot of weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I now have a much better understanding of what has gone wrong and how to fix it. And that is huge!
However, the real hard part comes only now. When your brain does things the same way over and over, it gets programmed - in scientific terms: conditioned - to behave that way. Many years of these problems thus created unhealthy mind patterns, habits, and tendencies, and these don't just go away overnight when you find answers. The answers only expose them, and give you the basis for changing them, but to create the actual permanent change, these bad neural connections need to be overwritten by good ones. That is, I need to condition my brain to work in a healthy way, and that takes a lot of hard work and time.
My productivity, for example, is impacted by this. While I now understand what caused my creative blocks and stopped me from being productive, and these unhealthy thoughts have been dismantled, the conditioning remains so now I need to teach my brain how to be productive again. I had to realize this when despite feeling generally so much better, and most of my productivity-related anxiety and depression now gone, I still have a very hard time to actually get things done.
So I'm on the path of healing now, and I'm very positive and hopeful about it. But it will be a slow and tedious process, so please bear with me a little longer.
Also, let me again thank you all for your continued support, be that via commissioning, being a patron, saying words of encouragement, or just watching and favoriting. At the end of the day, I want to make art so that I can share it with you all, and when people enjoy my art it makes the struggle feel meaningful and gives me purpose. So thank you. That said, in these difficult times financial support is more appreciated than ever, so if you would like to do so, you can support me on Patreon, or donate through Ko-Fi. Every little bit helps.
So until next time, stay tuned and be safe! <3
Commissions OPEN! + Waiting list mishap?
General | Posted 4 years agoCommissions OPEN!
Dear friends! I have one open slot now. If you are interested, please contact me, preferably via Telegram: https://t.me/StormEngineer Alternatively, email me at commissions[at]stormengineer.com . FA Notes are very unreliable and known to get lost sometimes.
My current prices: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/39934888
If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Waiting list mishap?
It seems that at some point I've lost a name from my waiting list. I don't know how and when did this happen but I had one less name on it than I should have, and my memory is really bad (which is why I maintained a list, to begin with). If you were on my waiting list and you didn't hear from me recently, please do contact me and your priority will be honored! I'm sorry for the inconvenience, and thank you for your understanding.
Heat, health, house damage, productivity and ... ADHD?
General | Posted 4 years ago Dear friends and followers! I have been very inactive again lately, and I would like to give you a little update about why, and how things are looking right now.
GINORMOUS WALL OF TEXT: COMMENCE!
Summer arrived suddenly this year, with temperatures jumping from pretty nice to unbearably hot in a matter of days. There are a few things that I take very badly, and heat is one of them. For weeks it was simply so hot that I could barely exist at all, let alone do anything useful. I spent weeks sitting in my chair naked, with a fan at full speed blowing air at me, and drinking iced drinks constantly, and then opening up all doors and windows at night to cool the house as much as possible. As you probably figured, I don't have AC, so this is all I can do. And the fact that I require caffeine (more on that later) does not help either...
So yeah, for weeks I was practically just trying to survive the heat.
Finally, there came some rain and dropping temperatures so I could exist again. Sadly, however, during the heatwave my mental health suffered and now I was dealing with a new wave of depression and anxiety. To make matters worse, the heavy rain was too much for my house's old, heavily damaged roof, and this resulted in water dripping through the ceiling in the kitchen and bathroom. The latter already had some serious water damage to the ceiling resulting in large, deep cracks, and now one of those cracks practically turned into a mini waterfall causing even more heavy water damage. At this point, the ceiling plaster is pretty warped and cracked and large parts of it looked like they will come down any moment. I didn't want to touch it, because I can't tell how bad the structural damage is underneath.
Inspecting the state of the roof from the attic made it clear that there is quite some structural damage to the bathroom ceiling, and if we get more rain like this, it may eventually come down. Sadly, the roof itself is also in extremely bad shape where I can't really do any emergency fixes anymore. Most of the roof is already held up and together by two dozens of wooden supports I placed under it, and plenty of polyurethane spray foam to fill in holes. Yeah... it's that bad. We are trying to figure out how can we make some cheap DIY repairs but when talking about roofs, "cheap" already means a lot of money. And all this definitely doesn't help with depression and anxiety...
And just as a bonus, the past two weeks I had some pretty bad sleep issues again, and the past few days I was also sick (I'm better now).
All the above things obviously hit my productivity pretty badly, to the point that I've literally couldn't get myself to do any work for several weeks. I tried to work on personal art, hoping that would help but it only did so a little. I'm glad I was able to do the "Mediterranean stallion" speedpaint, which also served as a practice/experiment to try out new things I've learned. At the very least, if I'm not able to work, I try to learn - I listen to art podcasts, watch videos, and occasionally read articles so is accumulate knowledge that I'll be able to use the next time I can break through the art block. The real problem however is commissions - I really need to make progress with them.
But I have some hope that I might be able to make some progress now, thanks to some new developments, so to say, which takes us to the last point:
I knew about my Asperger Syndrome (AS) - a subtype of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) - for a long time, and this knowledge helped me to understand myself and face my problems better. But there were still many things where something was clearly wrong with me, and autism didn't really explain it. There was a lot of frustration, a lot of self-blaming, and asking "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" Now, I knew that ADHD and AS have many similarities and often get misdiagnosed as the other, but since my symptoms make it clear that I definitely have AS, I never looked into it. But then a friend of mine just told me about their discovery that they may have ADHD - and as they started to describe it, it suddenly hit home. It hit home real hard. So I asked myself: Can someone have both AS and ADHD? I looked it up, and sure enou7gh, you can. According to the CDC, 14% of children diagnosed with ADHD also have AS.
I know what you are thinking: ADHD is self-diagnosed wrongfully so much lately, that it's almost an Internet trend. Everyone and their dog suddenly self-diagnoses as having ADHD nowadays. I would go to a professional to get diagnosed, but I simply can't - my insurance is in limbo, and pőaying for it is absolutely impossible. So... I did the best I could to research the subject, including the case of having ADHD while also having Aspergers. I've found two YouTubers, one with AS and the other with ADHD (both officially diagnosed) having a conversation about the differences and similarities, and about having both. I've also watched several other videos of people with an official diagnosis talking about what it's like to have ADHD, as well as reading through the official diagnostic criteria.
Long story short: I absolutely check every single box for combined ADHD. Everything the officially diagnosed people said about what it's like felt like they are talking about me. And ADHD would explain all of those issues I mentioned before, that I just couldn't understand. Suddenly everything just fell in place.
Of course, I'm not a professional, and I could be wrong. But I don't think I am. I'll want to get a proper diagnosis when it becomes possible, but for now, I'm re-assessing my entire life based on the assumption that I have ADHD, and really, suddenly everything makes so much more sense.
One thing with ADHD is that, unlike autism, it can be significantly helped with medication. ADHD meds are generally stimulants - and generally, both people with ADHD and actual medical experts agree that there is plenty of evidence suggesting that caffeine can be used to medicate ADHD, even if much less effectively than the "proper" prescription meds. But the thing is... I'm already consuming a lot of it, because I noticed that it helps me just... functioning better in general. I never understood why, I thought it must be just alleviating the chronic tiredness stemming from depression and other problems, but actually, it helps me be more focused and relaxed. Yes, caffeine makes me relaxed - which sounds weird. You know how it's common knowledge that drinking caffeinated stuff before sleep is a bad idea and will make it hard to fall asleep? Well, not for me - the opposite. Caffeine helps me sleep. You may think that's nonsense, but guess what, it's actually the experience of many people with ADHD - stimulants, including ADHD meds, caffeine, and nicotine (the latter being the other thing that I noticed to be helping to calm my mind) have a relaxing effect.
For the time being, I'm experimenting with caffeine. I've ordered some strong yerba mate, a herb high in caffeine that is used as a traditional drink in South America. Many people who try to self-medicate ADHD said that yerba mate is effective for them. And so far, it seems to be effective for me too. The thing is that until now, I drank caffeinated drinks when I felt tired, and I never really paid attention to if they have other effects on me, although I've noticed that they kinda help with being productive. But now I'm drinking yerba mate thorough the day (since it can be refilled with water several times before the herb washes out, one serving lasts me through the day) and pay attention to how it affects me. And it helps. I get calmer and more focused. And I don't care if it really works or it's placebo, as long as it has this effect. And if I eventually get a diagnosis... I'll consider the possibility of prescription medication.
A lot happened these past two months. My productivity has hit pretty bad but discovering that I most likely have ADHD actually helped to make sense of a lot of things. So right now I'm in a phase of practically re-evaluating my whole life. I guess this is what they call soul searching? But it seems this was the missing piece I was looking for all these years. So now I'm trying to figure out how can I use this new understanding to turn things around. I'm hopeful and positive. It will take quite some time to process this... but I think it will be worth it.
As for productivity, I'm positive, and I think there is already an improvement, the past two days I'm feeling more and more motivated to paint. Actually, I'm about to get started with some commission work once I'm done posting this. And hopefully, I can start streaming again in the near future.
So stay tuned!
GINORMOUS WALL OF TEXT: COMMENCE!
Heat
Summer arrived suddenly this year, with temperatures jumping from pretty nice to unbearably hot in a matter of days. There are a few things that I take very badly, and heat is one of them. For weeks it was simply so hot that I could barely exist at all, let alone do anything useful. I spent weeks sitting in my chair naked, with a fan at full speed blowing air at me, and drinking iced drinks constantly, and then opening up all doors and windows at night to cool the house as much as possible. As you probably figured, I don't have AC, so this is all I can do. And the fact that I require caffeine (more on that later) does not help either...
So yeah, for weeks I was practically just trying to survive the heat.
Health and house damage
Finally, there came some rain and dropping temperatures so I could exist again. Sadly, however, during the heatwave my mental health suffered and now I was dealing with a new wave of depression and anxiety. To make matters worse, the heavy rain was too much for my house's old, heavily damaged roof, and this resulted in water dripping through the ceiling in the kitchen and bathroom. The latter already had some serious water damage to the ceiling resulting in large, deep cracks, and now one of those cracks practically turned into a mini waterfall causing even more heavy water damage. At this point, the ceiling plaster is pretty warped and cracked and large parts of it looked like they will come down any moment. I didn't want to touch it, because I can't tell how bad the structural damage is underneath.
Inspecting the state of the roof from the attic made it clear that there is quite some structural damage to the bathroom ceiling, and if we get more rain like this, it may eventually come down. Sadly, the roof itself is also in extremely bad shape where I can't really do any emergency fixes anymore. Most of the roof is already held up and together by two dozens of wooden supports I placed under it, and plenty of polyurethane spray foam to fill in holes. Yeah... it's that bad. We are trying to figure out how can we make some cheap DIY repairs but when talking about roofs, "cheap" already means a lot of money. And all this definitely doesn't help with depression and anxiety...
And just as a bonus, the past two weeks I had some pretty bad sleep issues again, and the past few days I was also sick (I'm better now).
Productivity...
All the above things obviously hit my productivity pretty badly, to the point that I've literally couldn't get myself to do any work for several weeks. I tried to work on personal art, hoping that would help but it only did so a little. I'm glad I was able to do the "Mediterranean stallion" speedpaint, which also served as a practice/experiment to try out new things I've learned. At the very least, if I'm not able to work, I try to learn - I listen to art podcasts, watch videos, and occasionally read articles so is accumulate knowledge that I'll be able to use the next time I can break through the art block. The real problem however is commissions - I really need to make progress with them.
But I have some hope that I might be able to make some progress now, thanks to some new developments, so to say, which takes us to the last point:
So... I most likely have ADHD
I knew about my Asperger Syndrome (AS) - a subtype of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) - for a long time, and this knowledge helped me to understand myself and face my problems better. But there were still many things where something was clearly wrong with me, and autism didn't really explain it. There was a lot of frustration, a lot of self-blaming, and asking "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" Now, I knew that ADHD and AS have many similarities and often get misdiagnosed as the other, but since my symptoms make it clear that I definitely have AS, I never looked into it. But then a friend of mine just told me about their discovery that they may have ADHD - and as they started to describe it, it suddenly hit home. It hit home real hard. So I asked myself: Can someone have both AS and ADHD? I looked it up, and sure enou7gh, you can. According to the CDC, 14% of children diagnosed with ADHD also have AS.
I know what you are thinking: ADHD is self-diagnosed wrongfully so much lately, that it's almost an Internet trend. Everyone and their dog suddenly self-diagnoses as having ADHD nowadays. I would go to a professional to get diagnosed, but I simply can't - my insurance is in limbo, and pőaying for it is absolutely impossible. So... I did the best I could to research the subject, including the case of having ADHD while also having Aspergers. I've found two YouTubers, one with AS and the other with ADHD (both officially diagnosed) having a conversation about the differences and similarities, and about having both. I've also watched several other videos of people with an official diagnosis talking about what it's like to have ADHD, as well as reading through the official diagnostic criteria.
Long story short: I absolutely check every single box for combined ADHD. Everything the officially diagnosed people said about what it's like felt like they are talking about me. And ADHD would explain all of those issues I mentioned before, that I just couldn't understand. Suddenly everything just fell in place.
Of course, I'm not a professional, and I could be wrong. But I don't think I am. I'll want to get a proper diagnosis when it becomes possible, but for now, I'm re-assessing my entire life based on the assumption that I have ADHD, and really, suddenly everything makes so much more sense.
One thing with ADHD is that, unlike autism, it can be significantly helped with medication. ADHD meds are generally stimulants - and generally, both people with ADHD and actual medical experts agree that there is plenty of evidence suggesting that caffeine can be used to medicate ADHD, even if much less effectively than the "proper" prescription meds. But the thing is... I'm already consuming a lot of it, because I noticed that it helps me just... functioning better in general. I never understood why, I thought it must be just alleviating the chronic tiredness stemming from depression and other problems, but actually, it helps me be more focused and relaxed. Yes, caffeine makes me relaxed - which sounds weird. You know how it's common knowledge that drinking caffeinated stuff before sleep is a bad idea and will make it hard to fall asleep? Well, not for me - the opposite. Caffeine helps me sleep. You may think that's nonsense, but guess what, it's actually the experience of many people with ADHD - stimulants, including ADHD meds, caffeine, and nicotine (the latter being the other thing that I noticed to be helping to calm my mind) have a relaxing effect.
For the time being, I'm experimenting with caffeine. I've ordered some strong yerba mate, a herb high in caffeine that is used as a traditional drink in South America. Many people who try to self-medicate ADHD said that yerba mate is effective for them. And so far, it seems to be effective for me too. The thing is that until now, I drank caffeinated drinks when I felt tired, and I never really paid attention to if they have other effects on me, although I've noticed that they kinda help with being productive. But now I'm drinking yerba mate thorough the day (since it can be refilled with water several times before the herb washes out, one serving lasts me through the day) and pay attention to how it affects me. And it helps. I get calmer and more focused. And I don't care if it really works or it's placebo, as long as it has this effect. And if I eventually get a diagnosis... I'll consider the possibility of prescription medication.
Conclusion
A lot happened these past two months. My productivity has hit pretty bad but discovering that I most likely have ADHD actually helped to make sense of a lot of things. So right now I'm in a phase of practically re-evaluating my whole life. I guess this is what they call soul searching? But it seems this was the missing piece I was looking for all these years. So now I'm trying to figure out how can I use this new understanding to turn things around. I'm hopeful and positive. It will take quite some time to process this... but I think it will be worth it.
As for productivity, I'm positive, and I think there is already an improvement, the past two days I'm feeling more and more motivated to paint. Actually, I'm about to get started with some commission work once I'm done posting this. And hopefully, I can start streaming again in the near future.
So stay tuned!
Stream!
General | Posted 4 years agoUhhh... ohh... stream again? :D This time VERY naughty horses... Starting soon: https://picarto.tv/StormEngineer
A little slow down
General | Posted 4 years ago Dear friends, watchers, and patrons!!
I've been silent for a while again, and it's time I give you an update. Last time I've reported that things are going better. Since then I had a relapse in my health issues, which is not surprising as things are always on a rollercoaster, but now I'm getting better again. Things may fluctuate but over time there is still a tendency towards improvement.
I have actually made good progress recently, but I put all work into one large and complex commission which still needs plenty of work so there wasn't much to show.
Sadly, I probably won't be able to do much personal art for a while because I need to focus on my commission queue.
Meanwhile, thanks to COVID, me and my family's financial situation is not exactly great, and it's getting harder and harder to get through each month. So if you ever considered supporting my work, now would be a great time. You can do so in many ways, including joining me on Patreon, or making a one-time tip via either Shinies or my Ko-Fi. Every little bit helps!
And finally, I just want to thank all of you for your support up to this day, be that via favs and watches, comments, recommending my work, or patronage. I appreciate all of that and I appreciate all of you. I hope that I can post some art for you all to enjoy, relatively soon. Until then, stay tuned! :)
I've been silent for a while again, and it's time I give you an update. Last time I've reported that things are going better. Since then I had a relapse in my health issues, which is not surprising as things are always on a rollercoaster, but now I'm getting better again. Things may fluctuate but over time there is still a tendency towards improvement.
I have actually made good progress recently, but I put all work into one large and complex commission which still needs plenty of work so there wasn't much to show.
Sadly, I probably won't be able to do much personal art for a while because I need to focus on my commission queue.
Meanwhile, thanks to COVID, me and my family's financial situation is not exactly great, and it's getting harder and harder to get through each month. So if you ever considered supporting my work, now would be a great time. You can do so in many ways, including joining me on Patreon, or making a one-time tip via either Shinies or my Ko-Fi. Every little bit helps!
And finally, I just want to thank all of you for your support up to this day, be that via favs and watches, comments, recommending my work, or patronage. I appreciate all of that and I appreciate all of you. I hope that I can post some art for you all to enjoy, relatively soon. Until then, stay tuned! :)
Good news, finally!
General | Posted 5 years ago Dear friends, patrons, and followers!
After some relative silence, I finally have some really good news! As you may know, I'm working on improving my health and overall well-being for a long time. Finally, the past 1-2 months have seen significant improvement!
For a few weeks now, I'm feeling better than I did for the past 15 years or so. I'm less tired, less depressed and anxious, I sleep better, and am much less sensitive to sleep quality - I used to feel absolutely horrible and be useless all day if I didn't get 8+ hours of undisturbed sleep, but now if that happens I'll just be a bit tired but still overall fine and functioning, like normal people.
I didn't remember anymore what it's like to not be super depressed all the time, until now. And feeling better again suddenly brought back a bunch of memories from my teen days from before everything went to Hell. I feel like I'm alive again. Now there is still a long way to go, the damage of the past 15+ years will take many many more years to heal, and I don't think I'll ever heal fully, but this is a start.
For now, I just want to re-adjust to a healthy sleep cycle, and then my immediate focuses are progressing with existing commissions as well as finally setting up RedBubble so you will be able to buy some merch with my art on it! I'm not sure what will be offered yet, but some shirts, pillows, blankets, tapestries, phone cases, and a few others are expected. Eventually, I want to create some art specifically designed for certain RB products, but for now, I just set up existing art while focusing on commissions.
So I just want to say thank you to everyone who is part of this journey, from the silent watchers and fav-ers to my Patrons, friends, loved ones, and clients. Thank you for your patience and support. You all helped me get here, to the point of experiencing real positive change in my health after such a long time. And this shall only be the beginning!
Stay tuned! :)
After some relative silence, I finally have some really good news! As you may know, I'm working on improving my health and overall well-being for a long time. Finally, the past 1-2 months have seen significant improvement!
For a few weeks now, I'm feeling better than I did for the past 15 years or so. I'm less tired, less depressed and anxious, I sleep better, and am much less sensitive to sleep quality - I used to feel absolutely horrible and be useless all day if I didn't get 8+ hours of undisturbed sleep, but now if that happens I'll just be a bit tired but still overall fine and functioning, like normal people.
I didn't remember anymore what it's like to not be super depressed all the time, until now. And feeling better again suddenly brought back a bunch of memories from my teen days from before everything went to Hell. I feel like I'm alive again. Now there is still a long way to go, the damage of the past 15+ years will take many many more years to heal, and I don't think I'll ever heal fully, but this is a start.
For now, I just want to re-adjust to a healthy sleep cycle, and then my immediate focuses are progressing with existing commissions as well as finally setting up RedBubble so you will be able to buy some merch with my art on it! I'm not sure what will be offered yet, but some shirts, pillows, blankets, tapestries, phone cases, and a few others are expected. Eventually, I want to create some art specifically designed for certain RB products, but for now, I just set up existing art while focusing on commissions.
So I just want to say thank you to everyone who is part of this journey, from the silent watchers and fav-ers to my Patrons, friends, loved ones, and clients. Thank you for your patience and support. You all helped me get here, to the point of experiencing real positive change in my health after such a long time. And this shall only be the beginning!
Stay tuned! :)
