hey we got rid of them. will settle on which skull. the 'normal' art is finally coming back

that's all anyone cared about anyways

the bear is going away to a cave for awhile and we'll be removing them piece by piece from here

art will remain, and more will come. that's all anyone cared about anyways

set SMART goals. have a year plan. invest in others. wake up twice a day. gratitude mindset.

good bye.

The last odd year since I lost my apartment has been disastrous for my mental health. Just in the last few months:

I've grown more anxious and paranoid (both stemming from irrational reasons), and have been in a rut with a severe depressive episode.

I've been struggling to even message those closest to me once every one or two weeks, and haven't been drawing (only recently picking up drawing things again).

I've obviously uploaded none of the things I've been sitting on (but will tomorrow before the).

I'm starting outpatient. I had to quit what was my first job due to an inability to balance both. It is a shame because it gave my days structure, and I learned a lot.

I'm sorry to everyone I've not messaged in weeks, or months.

I'm going to be working on myself for however long it takes, and changing much in my life.

now for the indefinite hiatus

I started letting my emotions get the better of me over the last few weeks.

Got irrational, but severe anxieties about either things I should know would be alright, or trivial things I thought may be a larger issue than would make sense.

Sorry for gradually disappearing over the course of the last few weeks. This also affected the speed and amount of art I was making, and uploading.

Was doing pretty good with socializing and drawing up to this point. Hope to do better again, reaching out and sketching more (alongside digital things).

Will upload stuff I've been sitting on for awhile now this week.

Was thinking about it recently, and this video helped me understand, and work on my 'perfectionist' anxiety when it came to digital art:

https://youtu.be/M89sHe3WYeQ?si=REw72rDRRpbxbbsd

Just a short journal to say that despite having gotten caught up in some vices and anxieties, I am managing better than I was. Done a lot of traditional art, and will pick up the pace with digital :D

Rough start... but better.

Started Clomipramine for my OCD. Basically a stronger ssri (though technically a tricyclic anti-depressant) that is supposed to be the 'standard' used to treat it. I just needed something to treat my OCD, as it was at it's worst in quite some time. That was a mistake. Side effects like dry mouth and heart racing ,I could handle just fine cause of my prior addiciton to weed. The night I awoke breathing heavy as I was right about to fall asleep... well, I learned that Clomipramine was not just adverse to my sleep personally, but in looking it up, also found it apparently is directly tied to inhibiting REM sleep.

Needless to say, I found out why I was unexpectedly tired mentally and physically this week. I feel terrible getting off of it so abruptly, and felt terrible because of it!

But hey; like with my experience with weed, I'm not a stranger to ssri's making me feel like crap.

Long story short: I've actually been better about reaching out to others so far, and sketching on pencil and paper. Both were my resolutions. New medication just gave me a mild depressive episode this week.

Will start uploading said sketches more.

Uploading a mass tomorrow. Squismass tree + ornaments 2023 next week.

I still need to draw and write more. Already have been, but even more. I've fallen really far behind on a number of things for others...

In being more mindful of the 'episodes' of my AVPD, I realize I've explained to some, and not others, so for everybody: I shut down for everyone. Like when I disappear for a week, that's not just from you, reader. It's from everybody. But as I said in my last journal, I want to disappear less...

On that; I still really like drawing for others, and want to. But from now on, anything I do make will remain at the sketch phase barring further interest or motivation. I'll be honest: That isn't due to any avoidance. That's just a boundary at this point. Because it's delayed me from even getting b-day gifts to people for weeks at a time, as I already mentioned above, and this sort of 'que' is unsustainable by now.

More selfishly, I've not been able to get to OC things. Because I'd start but never finish them; always pre-occupied with finishing gifts for others.

Both have been concurrent issues for months, and have led to needless burn out... So sketches, mostly. Sorry.

Speaking of; now that most readers are gone, life stuff. My lowest manager for some reason gave me... two less hours in a shift instead of shift hours that would work with my therapy? Cool. I just won't ask him for scheduling anymore. I'm as reliant on him as I am on therapy. That said, these extended absences of therapy have been surprisingly difficult. For this one, I had to quickly come to terms with my whole family being unwilling to have and real conversation with me, or entertain any attempts on my end to do so. To be clear: Not incapable, or inept. Just unwilling. And I've exhausted everybody. And made absolutely sure it wasn't just me. I've been trying as an adult for 5 years, and this experiment can be written off as 'failed' for the foreseeable, indefinite future...

Sucks to know you wasted 5+ years on the wrong people, and those wrong people are family, right? That's the last I'll ever mention family outside other life complications they are bound to cause me.

Tl;dr: My AVPD sucks and affects everybody, not just you. I like drawing for others, but I'm keeping things at sketches*

I wanted to work on my AVPD after talking with my psychiatrist for the first time in a month. Then I got really busy, as I had to move again over this weekend (preparing before, and while also doing my best to work while sick). Still need some things from the last place... I had initially forgotten my sleep meds Saturday, so my body forced me to stay awake through the night to Sunday.

Thankfully I got them, and 13 hours of sleep after that. Also feeling better from the illness symptoms I had all that day and prior.

Besides, that's far from the worst that could have happened. Especially compared to the things I've seen that happened or are happening to others in the community as of late... Hope to those the best.

I'll finally be uploading the stuff I said I would have this week, and finishing up birthday stuff I had promised. Unfortunately, I will have to put a hold on b-day gifts outside of small sketches, as I am quite behind on a few already.

On that; I will finally start working more on oc stuff again too, as I think I've finally accepted my own cringe again, and after noticing I was slowing down a lot in Krita due to some perfectionism over rough drafts, I'm back to pencil and paper, and am moving much faster in that regard. Am also going to be practicing the things I've said I will be trying to more: Shading, backgrounds (not nature, that shit's too hard + time consuming), certain subjects I either like but not normally draw, or recently have come to like and/or have never drawn, etc.

Also writing. going to be writing more.

That's all! See you all next year barring Squishmas ~

Long story short for those who haven't kept up with journals: 2023 has been the worst year I've had in the last five.

The first few months of it were manageable at least, with high stress. After that, so many things outside my awareness or control happened every few weeks to a month irl that built up. The most significant being my living situation and final courses for graduation being disrupted. A number of issues were health issues as well, which also led me to handling/coping with it all poorly.

The important thing is that it led to a severe amount of socially isolating myself (AVPD), and depressive episodes all throughout 2023. I had an epiphany though:

I realize from having to live with my 'better' side of family that my most unhealthy coping mechanism of isolating, even from those I truly care about (at this point in my life, my friends), literally comes from how I've coped/handled things due to my apathetic, dishonest, and egocentric family for 18 years until I went to college. This is not something to talk about or solve here. It's for my therapist, but...

I'm sorry to friends if it's been weeks, months, or nearly the whole last year since we've last talked. I could, and do want to do better by you. I'm also sorry to newer friends I've made for how sporadic I've been.

I'm dedicating the rest of this year - no matter how it goes - to change for the better.

I'll work with my therapist to figure out how to meaningfully treat/address my AVPD. That will start Monday. I'll get into better habit of reaching out over the next two months.

I've gotten a job finally. I hope to be a bit more independent, and better support others too.

I have learned from all the mistakes and troubles I've experienced this year, and will dedicate the last two months to improving...

In regard to that last point, I will post most the rest of the summer stuff soon, and one additional picture for Halloween this year (not particularly holiday themed)... but I won't upload anything else until 2024.

I've at least gotten into the healthier habit of drawing much more, and will return with plenty new OC content with broader themes than just the typical toon stuff.

Also, I will return with the usual squishmas piece, even if delayed by about a week.

Summer is over. As some know, I'm back... for the most part. Still need to reach out to some peeps in particular.

It took a bit because long story short, the experiment to better things with my family failed over the last month. Not spectacularly, but it's over.

I've come to accept their apathy much more quickly than I have with others (like my worse family) in the past. Good news is it has freed me up to talk with people who actually care about me again more!

I was doing really well with art over the last month despite sporadic uploads too as things deteriorated. Again, family ate time I realize was now wasted, but I'll be getting back to it, and definitely upload more. I know I know, I always say that I'll upload more, but I really do have a backlog extending back to early July, and it only kept growing.

This last week, I've barely drawn due to being depressive coming to terms with my apathetic family, but the good news (besides being able to socialize more again) is that I've also been managing with healthier coping mechanisms. Exercise + resistance training, drawing (at least from the last journal up to a week ago), and even doing a bunch of writing for two projects among other things! Video games have been a dopamine crutch, and some consider playing too much unhealthy, but honestly, I'd rather game than isolate. Also, I'm going to finally tell my therapist I'm a furry. Boy I'm dreading that for no good reason.

Anyways, I'm sorry it took me until mid-September to make the 'post-summer' journal. I've got stories from others, and music suggestions I need to catch up on. Will catch up on everything else soon too -w-

I've been putting this off for too long.

To address my 'Rest of summer update and' journal, I took a leave of absence from college. For a year. I had two classes left, and the internship to finish, but I just didn't. The former was due to burnout and shady software the online course wanted me to install. I'm not just talking cam/screen monitoring: Actual spyware at minimum, and malware that had a high rate of bricking your computer at max. My internship was affected by Canadian wildfire smoke cutting into the hours I could actually socialize and enrich the animals at the shelter as well. I felt especially bad both from the unhealthy spot I was in, but in feeling like a failure or loser for needing to stop so close to finishing, hence me saying I was feeling stupid in that journal over something stupid. =In good news, the leave of absence is something I am allowed to take, and I will be able to do a different internship next Summer. This I've felt better about. I've been searching for a job in the meantime because I want to get my life started in that way. Obviously too, I feel comfortable talking about all of this now, and what else that has been happening.

Living with my sister is the speed of light (like the number in physics) times better than going back to my parents, but over time, we began to have problems.

For starters, various demands/expectations that wildly violated boundaries had contributed to my poor mental health. She insisted I go on a specific anti-depressant in the first week, and all throughout that first week. I repeatedly told her I tried it already, and was worse off on it (the one I took before Bupropion; Sertraline). She was incessant for the first two weeks that I also double my therapy. Again, this was in spite of me repeatedly telling her I just started therapy for the first time in years, and had been benefitting from it because I finally found a therapist I can work with (after a history of being unable to). Beyond this, she also addressed my mental health as some sort of external thing for weeks. Literally said I was a threat and danger for being depressed, which is... ignorant. Awfully ignorant to hear as someone who actually has studied physical and mental health academically, and awful when I was actually in an episode and feeling quite low when she wouldn't budge on describing me as such.

Ironically, these were things my therapist agreed were not fair, and with regard to the medication + added therapy would have been massive oversteps into my own life and autonomy.

She relented on all of these only because I had to hold day after day that I would be worse off... And that leads me to the main issue: Ignorance. Not out of malice, or true disinterest, but such was what really ate away at my mental health again. My social isolation/withdrawl tendencies comes from family to begin with (mainly our emotionally manipulative and abusive parents) , and this really came back to bite me when I was constantly reminded that even the better members of my family don't really know or understand me. She had an idea of me, but didn't know my self. So like with her rigid approach to wellness (insisting that I do what worked for her; her anti-depressant and frequency of therapy), I had my state of being gradually eroded by her rigid approach to 'me.'

She constantly pressured me to search for more jobs and get one. Believe me, I am searching, and trying to get one. Being continuously bombarded and bringing my attention to my rejections and inability to get one did poorly for my optimism to continue. Even more so, as she seemed apathetic to a lot of what I am interested in, and cared about despite entertaining her own interests, and cares at a moment's notice day after day...

But we have been changing that. It came to a point, and she wants to understand better now. I appreciate it. She has been more mindful about what she doesn't know (about me and other things), and is open to learn more. Open to doing better, by me and otherwise. I've been able to explain some interests, and she seemed to recognize the value in them by themselves, or the value that they brought to me.

We're a long ways from talking about furry stuff or anything, but we're starting, and that is what's really important.

Closing off this long journal, the aid of clonazepam boosting my Gaba has had me drawing a bunch more. Helped a ton with the chores I do around the house, but mainly drawing. Drawing more OC content, and fan art, and I've been finding the time to do it for hours each day. I've been slowly reconnecting with my oldest and closest of friends, and learning to accept my own cringe again. Also been treating my OCD + depression well in place of the Ketamine with the benzo, obviously. Like last journal, I just thank you all for being as patient as you have been with me during this personally busy, and unexpectedly unpleasant summer. I learned over the past few weeks that my main problem with my AVPD and social withdrawl is not that I need the time to stop, but that I stop too much and for too long.

I've been letting loose more. I still feel there are periods of unproductivity, or that I could be doing certain things more and better, but I have been doing so much more, and I plan to translate that back here with you again.

Thanks for reading, and remember to tell those you love that you love them every once in awhile.

Been hard, but I think I'm doing better in socializing and reaching out. I am sorry if it has been a bit, or since late June or early July since I last messaged you. I'm really trying after that depressive episode.

In better news, I'm finally feeling better, and am at a place of relative normalcy again in my personal life. Besides the increased socializing boosting my self-esteem again, I have finally gotten a medication for my OCD after seeing a number of more recent studies coming out finding a link between low GABA, and higher glutamate in OCD patients: 0.5 mg of Clonazepam.

I've been quite hesitant with Benzos for a long time, but with federal regulations making Ketamine more expensive and difficult to get, I was interested in something that could medically increase my GABA. Already I've been so much less burdened: Back to where I was when I was getting my ketamine treatment. I still am struggling with social anxieties, but with my smaller obsessions and compulsions managed, I'm feeling adaptable, and motivated once again. Really noticing the social anxiety now that that is treated as well as the GAD + MDD (these two being treated already by my Bupropion), but I am finding the confidence to work on it.

Also, in line with the motivation stuff, I played a lot of Dota 2 lately. Been nearly a year, and picked it back up again. As said, been playing a lot due to having higher motivation. Most of the time I have had fun too: I don't try hard or sweat, and have a good attitude when it comes to ranked. Unranked has remained fun, but a string of recent ranked games had me losing to three blatant smurfs, and another two games being lost because a teammate would blame everyone else within the first five minutes then throw the game because we 'deserved to lose'... so yeah, putting Dota 2 back on the shelf for at least a week. Maybe play one unranked game or two in the meantime, but other games will do. All that to say that I'm going to be doing much more in irl and here! Check my bio for places I'm going to be uploading, and I will return to uploading on Tuesdays and Thursdays again in this next week.

Thank you all for your patience through this weird summer of mine, and remember that even if or when it isn't enough, try to do your best.

normally I'd put it in a journal like here, but I don't think I'm comfortable sharing what happened in my personal life that caused me to isolate these last two weeks. Nothing dangerous, or troublesome, or even mildly serious like my moving a few weeks ago. In fact, it was pretty stupid, and part of why I feel so bad is because I feel particularly stupid for it.

Regardless, it was enough for me to experience my first depressive episode of 2023. Going 7+ months without one is a record since I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at age 17, but obviously it felt terrible, and that time made me less equipped to recognize and deal with it once it finally happened. Falling back on the unhealthy coping mechanism of isolating after learning about my AVPD made me feel especially bad. I really need to work on it, and will continue to figure out more on what I can do while working it out as a habit. Old habits die hard.

Hasn't helped I've also not had my prescription ketamine in months, so I'm hoping to get some more. I digress

I'm definitely not going to be able to start an iron man this summer. I'll be uploading again next week though. I have been drawing somewhere from 1-3 hours most days. That said, I'm putting an indefinite pause on taking any new ideas, or making gifts for others. Taking awhile especially because I am currently finishing through some b-day gifts involving technical stuff I normally don't do (flora and a car among other things). I may open commissions finally in August though.

Remember that you cannot help others if you cannot help yourself.

Woah hell everyone. Tl;dr of where I've been is I:

- Am nearly through my first semester of accelerated summer courses (last week) and midway through my internship (in hours)
- Had a properly bad period of isolation over the last two weeks since my last journal due to sudden, severe anxiety
- Had my first bad trip, which was a very horrific experience (took too much of a LEGAL substance)
- Have been drawing a bunch despite all this
- Will likely open commissions after I get in touch with peeps again and settle down

I was beating this journal around the bush because I wanted to go into these kinds of things in better detail, but by tonight, I figured I really ought to stop piling stuff in journals unless they're focused and/or important. This journal still turned out a bit long, but not nearly as long as many of my others.

Such is why before I open commissions through a journal, I will make a journal about the aforementioned bad trip. It was quite horrible while I was experiencing it, but after the fact, it felt like it helped put stuff I had been dealing with up to that bad trip into better perspective. No meaningful negative health effects came from it. Only my throat hurt for a day cause I did a lot of hiccupping after it.

The most important thing of all this is that - with the help of my new therapist (who has also been my psychiatrist for a few months now, and helped me also find that Bupropion was better for me than SSRI's) - I now know that I have had avoidant personality disorder in addition to all the anxiety disorders.

The bad news is that the knowledge may not stop me from shutting down and receding inward. The good news is that after 4+ years of these on-and-off bouts of isolation, I finally have a specific problem to work on! Knowing is half the battle as a cartoon from the 80s accurately points out.

Going to be uploading stuff, and socializing with everyone again before further journals as Summer progresses!

Remember to not worry too much about doing numbers! Tweet linked is a short answer Tyler the Creator gave to someone at 'Estate Sale' https://twitter.com/PigsAndPlans/st.....976872961?s=20

Something something controversial policy change, obviously staying on FA but eggs will not be in one basket.

None of my content should violate the new policy given all the characters depicted in my gallery are intended to be 18+, but uh, after seeing the weird policy changes in Fender's journal leading up to the policy today, which landed on being explicitly permissive of underage vore (and pregnancy until the May 27th update, yikes), I'm just as unsure and uncomfortable as everyone else. Weird policy FA administrators.

I had hoped to have my Weasyl account verified like a week ago, though support is taking forever to get back to me. Will make an Itaku in the meantime and include that in my list of places to find me too.

Anyways, I'll have the start of Summer update journal I've been meaning to write ready soon! I'll probably include the new places I'll be at as well.

Remember to wear a mask when there is air pollution outside!

Sorry for disappearing last week.

To make a long story short, my living situation was suddenly no longer certain. I thankfully got something lined up by the end of last week, but for a full week, I had nothing. It made me realize I need to address some personal problems I thought I had gotten away from. Going to cut certain family members out of my life once I graduate, and start getting my life going. The long of the story is for a therapist.

On education though, I'll be finished with this semester in two weeks. I'm about halfway through paper writing for all my classes. Should have that finished by the end of this week (or beginning of next), and next week I only have one final. I do need to do summer courses, and an internship after this semester, but basically, I'm done this summer.

I'm going to be returning to things as the week progresses. Thank you for all your patience, everyone. Remember to at least maintain a relative level of good physical fitness, which helps with mental health.

Last month. Burned out, but restored a bit of the fuel. Got done writing 15 pages, and three papers. Not particularly depressed, and this semester has probably been my best mental healthwise thankfully. Still, I've been stressed and anxious. Also had a severe bout of insomnia over the weekend: I couldn't fall asleep until 4am, and that messed with me over the last few days.

Have to write 20 pages across three papers in this last month. All that to say is apologies for disappearing. Going to remain incredibly inconsistent with initiating convos over the next month, but if you message me, I'll be sure to message back! Also, going to get back to finishing the upload of all the stuffs. OC content going to be returning after this semester (was originally planning on posting some sooner as I finished posting gifts/practices, though things happened >w>')

Remember to do what you need to do!

Oh man I got bad with hiding again over spring break and the returning week. The good news is that unlike the last few journals after coming out of the hidey hole, I actually had reasons that were easily noticed and isolated, and work on improving.

First was just stress. Most of you know I had a qualitative, and quantitative ton to finish for the midterm. Even writing one of the paper's a week in advance, I spent midterm week basically working most every day, taking short breaks to play Peggle Deluxe or a similarly arcade-styled game. It's behind me now, thankfully. Finals week will likely be just as busy, but a big component of the stress came from how I was doing in one class, Forensics (all the other work aside), which now I feel comfortable getting a passing grade in thanks to the major assignments shifting to being labs. Up to this point I had quizzes, and a midterm test in that class. I've never been good at testing even when I study @w@'

Secondly, health stuff. In terms of my mental health medications, I got overstimulation from my new anxiety/depression medication, Bupropion. 300mg was working pretty well, and 450mg was really nice for getting through the midterms. Not so much after, though. Affected my sleep, and gave me more anxiety than anticipated when not nearly as pre-occupied with things to do. Back down to 300mg again, which has been slowly reducing my generalized anxiety and providing me more energy, but not too much. Additionally, I've been out of ketamine for a little over a month. The new method of payment my prescriber is using, a particular website, was quite glitchy/finicky. Going to get some more prescribed again soon thanks to the website just letting me schedule without upfront payment. In any case, I'm still doing pretty alright mood wise given the months of doing it before. It just would have been really nice to have the last few weeks. As for the physical side of things, I sat a lot in order to get things done leading up to spring break. Been walking and stretching again, and my back's feeling way better. Also am overdue for some doctor visits, but I'm getting those scheduled.

Besides the medications, I had a ton of anxiety about things too. Having a lot over spring break was due to the stimulation I had from the Bupropion, but during and after, I had a severe return with social anxiety despite planning to upload a bunch again. There's a number of people I consider close who I hadn't talked to in awhile, and that anxiety just built up. After talking some of it through with people... I still hid for awhile. But I think I'm back to a better spot when it comes to my social anxiety. Having a great reduction in my generalized anxiety helped, and confiding in more peeps than I had usually done before did too. That's all about it though! Going to be returning to stuff over the next few days.

Thanks for reading, and remember that Benadryl is not a sleep aid. It's a specific allergy medication, and not a great one. You shouldn't use it for sleep (such as in zzzquil), and definitely not for deliriant purposes like in the memes that have been going around. Seriously: It inhibits the proper function of the vital neurotransmitter acetylcholine, which regulates both muscle movement, and many brain processes like memory, sleep, attention, etc.

Hey hey:

The last couple of times I had a bad return of some intense anxiety, I didn't really know why. Can say that sleep issues I had toward the end of last week was the cause for this time at least. I'm recovering from sleep deprivation that had me messed up. Also a thc relapse. Unlike other times with the thc relapse too, I'm truly burnt out, so I think I have control over that consumption finally.

Just a quick journal; going to make a fuller, more substantial one as I start feeling better. Thanks for reading, and remember that sleep is incredibly important =w=

Hello all!

As said in the last journal, stuff was going bad in my personal life, but it's better now. With that journal, as well as returning to dm's, I've been made aware that besides still needing to work on my maladaptive coping habit of isolating, I should probably work on doing away with the bad habit of offloading stuff that's been up post-isolation. I've been taking up close friends on talking about things more over the last year or so, but not enough! I realize I could do better on that, and not just unilaterally dump what's been up to everybody. Will save the unilateral dumps for journals, and talk with close peeps more about these things to badger the two birds with one stone.

Anyways, moving forward, my last semester is finally here! And it is much more relaxed than my prior one, even if I still need to wake up an hour earlier than I'm used to. Only two classes per day compared to the 3-4 (5 regularly when including labs and mandatory extra hour things) I had last semester. Still going to be quite pre-occupied by homework, but like the classes, that should be far more manageable now that I don't have a professor who loads their 200 level course with the same quantity and quality (difficulty) one would expect of a 400 level class. Their words, not mine =w='

Besides the semester though, I got an early start on something I haven't done in years. A new years resolution! Most of you know it already, but at the start of Winter Break a month ago, I decided to draw far more again. At a rate of at least an hour a day (non-cumulatively). Been great for my mental health during and after my depressive episode, and it's been great for prepping for this semester productivity wise. Practice drawings, warm ups, gifts, new OC stuff. and much more will all coming soon! After I upload those standalone ornaments I've been saying I would xd

Last but not least: A calendar. I've got a physical one now! This is primarily in order to further improve my time management and productivity by keeping up with important times and dates, but here, I'd like to use it to keep up with birthdays too. I implore friends to lmk their b-day, as I can actually keep up with gift art now ^w^

Finished typing this right before a class. So take care everyone! Remember to do your best to sit in proper posture!

Winter break started for me mid-December. First two weeks were pretty good. Roughly New Years week, I made a change to my medication I take for depression/anxiety, the SSRI Sertraline and... well, it wasn't nearly as bad as when I tried two years ago (whew time flies) in the last week of a busy semester. In that instance, I had done the worst isolation I ever had, disappearing from everyone for a month unannounced. I returned only after my depression reached a height comparable to when I was fully, clinically depressed, a week after I went back on Sertraline begrudgingly.

Despite it keeping me in a decent mood, and keeping the depression relatively at bay, I've still felt unsure that it was right for me. After changing my psychiatrist halfway through this year after my prior one uh, showed their ass in terms of emotional intelligence (literally weaponizing their position as prescriber in some petty power move all because I couldn't properly get my face cam to work), I've had a lot more progress with my latest. We worked together on the betterment of my mental health without any strings attached. After 6 months, I believed I was ready to finally ditch the SSRI, and they would properly support me in it. This time, it wouldn't be waning off SSRI without anything else. Instead, I was prescribed something I dropped, finding out my prior psychiatrist wasn't prescribing it in the proper dosage: Bupropion. For the first two weeks after I waned of Sertraline and was on Bupropion, things were far better than the last attempt. My mood quickly bombed after that due to many irl happenings culminating in a depressive episode for roughly a week (two, but it got significantly worse in the second week). It was only in getting a refill on my ketamine late last week, and doubling my dosage for Bupropion from 150 to 300 mg early this week have I started to finally come out of it (450 mg is the max, and I don't think I'll need to go up that far thankfully).

Though the sheer amount of smaller things that added up to the larger thing of my depressive episode are too numerous to reasonably fit all of in one journal, I'll go over the most notable. First, as covered, was slowly coming to grips with the fact that the SSRI I was on for nearly 4 years only mitigated the symptoms of my depression, and not helping me work toward actually alleviating them. After that, I did my best to avoid most maladaptive coping mechanisms, replacing them with better ones. Couldn't stop the isolating for one, but for others, I tried my best in the time to foster better habits like drawing, exercise, and various forms of writing again.

Worse than just my own state, my immediate family finally had gotten Covid-19 in the last week of my semester. I tested negative days after finding this out, but obviously it concerned me greatly that despite all the safety measures we continue to practice (masks, distancing, vaccination, so on), it still infected my family. That's where my anxiety started to rise, I realize. That ship has sailed, and my family is fine now, but it bothered me for reasons I hope are obvious. Anticipatory anxiety post-semester severely affected my internship as well, but the depressive episode sealed the deal that I wouldn't get the proper amount of hours to complete the necessary amount. Both my generalized anxiety over the well being of my family, as well as the anticipatory anxiety overflowed into my social anxiety. This caused me to recede from DM's slowly over a week until the next was nearly full isolation in a snowball of anxiety and depression.

Things only worsened for my immediate family in ways I didn't know about. I hadn't found out until about midway through my depressive episode. My sister had delivered her baby 2 weeks earlier than expected due to Covid, and concerns the doctors had about her possibly having intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy due to her bile acid levels. If that and post-partum weren't enough, her husband suddenly, and quickly developed a large lump on the back of his head, the obvious concern being that it was a tumor. The Covid, early pregnancy, and other health complications all happened in a month. The day after she delivered and I was visiting was the day I found out that the baby was already showing trouble with latching among other behaviors that weren't indicative of good health in a newborn. Somehow, worse than all of that, our parents who she and her family live with (thank you 2008 housing bubble for making two adults with full-time jobs after getting bachelors-degrees have scarce housing available to them, let alone any being affordable) were not only not helping her, but actively ignoring, minimizing, and even repressing her expression of any anxieties and emotions she had. I've had a lot of issues with our parents, being the stubborn, self-centered, religious boomers they are, but knowing this behavior had her bottling it all up for a month, and seeing my mother do it in real time even as my sister tried to unbottle was... justification for being the angriest I've been in years. Usually I just get sad instead of angry, but the actual depravity of it was something so immediately offensive that I couldn't tolerate it. I got sad again pretty quick though. That gave me cause for rumination for at least a few days.

Thankfully, that is where the negative stuff ends. That day, I shut my mother down from interrupting my sister, and trying to make my sisters problems about herself. I listened to my sister through, and apologized for all that my family showed her apathy for over the last month. I gave her the best advice I could, doing the best with the info dump I received, and addressing what I could after letting her speak her mind to someone uninterrupted for the first time in a long time. After the ruminating, and with incredibly firm resolve, I made it clear to my parents that we'd have a fucking problem if they continued their behavior toward my sister, emotionally or otherwise. It seems that, although not acting much better, this was taken seriously at the least, and my sister has since been emotionally better off without my parents bogging her down.

Further good news is that me and my immediate family are mostly past the health stuff, and for the better! For me, I was consistent with stretching/lengthening tense muscles all around, and incorporating walking after meals at the least again. That's helped tremendously with my physical and mental health. I've been really up on drawing, and besides the standalone ornaments/balled toons I've been meaning to upload, I may actually upload with regularity again. Will likely include short stories for specific pieces as well. I may not be able to complete the internship over this Winter Break, but what's done is done, and I'll likely be able to petition to finish in the upcoming summer. As for my sister, it turns out the lump my sister's husband had was only a benign lipoma (basically a fat growth/accumulation under the skin), and her baby has rebounded pretty well! They have certainty about the near future for their health and well-being for the first time in a month. Checking in with her a couple times since, she's recovered physically and mentally too.

All in all... very difficult month for me, but I'm back. Hope you all have been doing well, and remember to open your windows to get some fresh air circulating when the weather and temperature allows for it!

Edit: Update finishing the journal cause FA glitched out while I was nearly done writing, and I panic posted.

Heyo all, and merry squishmas!

I had planned to have a piece done for today, in a similar vein to the squishmas piece last year but on time. Still not going to be on time this year, but I'm nearly finished it all! Just shooting for tomorrow or the next day.

Just a small update, will be back and posting soon! Hope you had a nice squishmas today :3

Last week of the semester. Writing out the last four papers in the next four days or so @w@

Also, a family members tested positive for Covid, and because I recently interacted with them (masked), I had a scare that I might have gotten it too! Good news is I tested negative this morning.

Been quite stressed, and anxious, but I'm getting everything done one day at a time. I decided to start early on something I haven't done in years: A new years resolution! Been drawing a bunch again.

When I finally finish this semester, I'll be able to post things. I will be sort of isolated until then, but I'll at least have more stuff to post, as well as plans to post more frequently finally =w=

Take care, and see you all again soon!

Heyo all!

Thank you again to everyone who has been patient, and understanding with me over the last month or so. Although I've been a bit inconsistent and slow moving, I've been doing pretty well for myself all things considered! Those things being one of, if not, my most difficult semester I've ever had, irl health issues I've been working out, and the TantricToons drama. The former two I've been handling better than I ever had thanks to the Ketamine treatment (medically prescribed, of course). Typically, I'd fall into a bit of a depressive rut toward the end of a semester, but instead I've gotten the motivation and drive to increase my drawing and exercise back to where it was, and beyond again! With the exercise and ketamine, my posture is also nearly corrected for the first time in years :D

As for the latter thing, the resurfaced drama has mostly subsided. Like I wrote in my journal, most could understand the actual situation from about a year ago to the limited extent that it occurred, as well as understand that I still find what I did wrongful. After taking my transparency and honesty on the situation from private dms to the public journal, Tantric made a vague-post tweet soon after, not addressing anything I said, or even acknowledging the journal's existence despite how soon they tweeted after it was uploaded. Definitionally slimy if you ask me, but it seems they shadily backed off lying about me for now.

Anyways, as said, I'm moving on, and finishing this semester nicely. I still have 5 papers to get done, but for the first time in years, I've decided to do a new years resolution: To draw for at least an hour a day! And I've started early. It already feels quite refreshing and productive to just get to drawing again. Expect the squishmas tree released on time this year!

In conclusion, I've been rebounding, and hope that you all are doing the best you can in finishing up this year!