This is a reflection meme. Review the past two or so years of your life. What did you regret, what were you thankful for, and why? What things could you have changed now that you seen the effect of your actions, and guess how it might have changed it.
___________________________________________________________________________________
People asked me if I have had any regreats, given my last two year. I honestly have to answer, Yes and no.
Why is that? I have no regrets moving from a small city in southwest Sask to a smaller town in northern Alberta, nor from there to Edmonton and back to my hometown.
I have go regrets leaving the jobs I had to me with my mate at that time. My life was going no where fast. I worked two jobs: One full time at seven eleven and a teacher’s aid at the local collage for creative writing. I never really visited or enjoyed the fact I had family in the same city as me. So despite what Dragyn would say, He was worth it.
Dragyn, in a matter of saved my life. I was getting to the point it my life after many errors and failures in many aspect of my life. He gave me a chance to get a fresh start, a chance to leave my errors and be free from my father’s shadow, and also showed me a part of myself which I felt I have lost a long time ago from two acts of betrayal and one harsh and cruel action from years long past.
I regret not being everything I wanted to be for him. When I moved to Edmonton and went to a few of the meets... I started to withdraw and hide myself behind a mask of false smiles. At times it broke down [like at new years] and how I acted worried people, yet they were all worried that I would lash out and hurt them, that how bad my break downs are.
I regret that I feel that I have to burden the weight of others and not share mine. I feel that I have to deal with every issue in my life myself, by myself. I feel that I should not let others get involved with my issues because it will only lead to pain, as history has taught me so very well (been used and abused with because I shared my issues). So I get extremely defensive, so you someone no matter who they are (for good or evil) try to help me I distant myself, I avoid them; I refuse to talk to them. One of those people was Dragyn. I assured him I was alright. (Which was a lie and he know it). He kept trying to help me and I pushed him away. It stayed like that till we broke up.
I also regret my actions (or lack there of at times). Events unfolded where I should have done one thing but did the other. But I am also a bit thankful for things to unfold as they did. I learned so much about myself, how much I need help yet I still fight bitterly to deal with it on my own which I have to stop if I want to be even remotely happy as Dragyn is.
I thankful for those of who that tried to help me when I was down and out, despite how I acted I am so grateful for it. It did make an impact on me. Maybe those regrets are my sign of on what I have to fix and change. . I once was told this from someone close to me. “You don’t let yourself be happy.” I never really understood that till near the end. I always pushed myself to support others and to support myself without anyone’s support. I have to let myself enjoy life and ask for help. Till then I will always be defensive of my issues.
I know where I have to change, I have to leave my fears linked to my past behind, and make amends to those I wronged and cheated. I have to open myself to let others help me shoulder my weight as I would shoulder theirs. I have to stop pushing myself and try to enjoy life. But the first step is find the grave I been avoiding for 13 years... where it all started. Where I forced myself to shoulder the worlds weight and not share mine... Maybe I grew up to fast and forceful.

If I went back after I changed and became a better person, I would try my best to hold his interest and open up and not scare people when I needed the help. But I would still give him up... things are better as they are now... hee funny how life is.

That’s all. And yes I DID NOT STEAL THIS MEME. I MADE IT!
BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH *cough* hack* chock*

Sno, Artimis, Mark, Rain, Alex, Yuki, Furry, Northern wolf, Dragyn, and the others I have failed to name. You all, at one point or an other saved me from myself, no matter the outcome I am so glad to have meet each of you.

I'm taking offers for poems, poses or other small writing projects in return for donations the Children's Wish.
I am willing to accept via Paypal.

Even for those who do not wish for something and still donate I will still make something for you. and this will be given on behalf of the member of FA.

If you want to know more here is the link.
Http://childrenswish.ca

If there is any artist or fellow writer that wishes to please do!

I am so bored, If anyone has a question they wish to ask me, please so and i'll answer honestly

I got a New Account! My new account is  James_roshal

I back in my home town of Swfit current. I am doing alot better. Got my own place, and got a job that I can live with. But I don't have net yet so i am stuck with using my phone or bugging a friend. Bye for now


James

I am going throught a hard time for me on a few levels. Don't expect any peom or stories from me for a while.

Best of luck to you all.

Jame.

Extraversion |||| 18%
Stability |||||||||||| 50%
Orderliness |||||| 22%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Interdependence |||||||||| 36%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||||| 78%
Mystical |||||||||||||| 56%
Artistic |||||||||||||| 56%
Religious |||||| 30%
Hedonism |||| 16%
Materialism |||||| 23%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 43%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 56%
Work ethic |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Humanitarian |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 50%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||| 56%

Romantic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50%
Wealth |||||||||| 36%
Dependency |||||||||| 36%
Change averse |||||||||||| 43%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Sexuality |||||||||| 36%
Peter pan complex |||||||||| 36%
Family drive |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical Activity |||||||||||||||| 63%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56%
Paranoia |||||||||||||| 56%
Vanity || 10%
Honor |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Thriftiness |||||||||||||||| 63%

My snapshot which is a bit off...


introverted, secretive, messy, depressed, does not like leadership, somewhat nihilistic, observer, does not make friends easily, unassertive, feels invisible, feels undesirable, hates large parties, does not like to stand out, leisurely, suspicious, submissive, abstract, unpredictable, intellectual, likes rain, likes the unknown, negative, weird, not a risk taker, unadventurous, avoidant, strange

Stability results were medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

I am feeling better... sort of

You know what gets on my nerve? Those the self-centered people who, when you do something nice for them, DON’T even thank you… like at this Yap and Draw… I gave Dragyn money that I got for MY parents for birthday from my parents to get himself some art. And I got no thanks you. What just makes things worse… is the fact I DON’T feel welcomed to the place I call my home. I know some of you know the feeling… people there wonder why I don’t interact with people there? Alexi… I lost all respect for him since that one stint at one weekly furmeet. Red…. Its wiser for me to hold my tongue then to let loose what I have against him. Lucifur… I just thought you were different, but my hopes proved wrong. I can’t be around some of those people… nor do I wish to interact with them willing.


For me… as I write this I am on the edge, of breaking down. This would not be the first time… this would like the fourth time this year. Always on the time where people normal happy (xmas, birthday..ect) I have broken down. This is worst I had it. Today (feb 7th) is my birthday… when I should be happy, I am depressed and writhed. I try to make myself happy by giving the money I got for my birthday to Dragyn so he could get some art. But he comment about it just going to make things worse drove me deeper into this ’hole’. so back that when he offered to get me a picture with that money I said he could use it all because I want nothing… Everything I do the make myself happy, back fired and make me digg a deeper hole. I never really enjoyed myself unless I was lose myself into some thinking… like working my left way. Back in my home town I would work 24/7 for two weeks so that I did not have to put up with myself… I’m happier doing things where I am not myself… where I can put up a smiles and no one is wiser to my feeling.

Then again I can’t recall any time longer then an hour I been happy. I am like a vortex of emotional desolation. Not even my Ex… someone when was my mate… never gave me the emotional support I needed… I don’t as for much. Just someone to hold me and a shoulder to cry on. Yet no one come near because ’I am so cold.’ just fucking HUG me… I’m the kind that never want to ask for anything, nor willing answer honesty when to comes to who I am feeling.. But I will not push away what is offered.

I'm 22, I should be living it up... but here I am.. new city left all my friends, my family... everything I know and grow up with. I am unable to find a smile for such a joyous time, but I smile for the sake of others

I hate this, I reall hate this, I am I have enought money to cover my rent... but my can't cover the 170 my one roommate is short.... I don't want to lose this place... I need help. I'm tryign everything I know and trying to make things work... but I fear I might not beable to cover it complely.... *pulls hair*

MY palpay: Selendrile_Aly[at]hotmail.com

I'll try to pay everyone back in time, and as well as a few things other things as thank you to everyone.

Thanks you:
Kairi
Acer

I love you guys to death!

Thanks to KAIRI and Acer I have enought to cover rent... I owe them so much. I will still accept some donations, to from a back up in case this happens again. I am so thankfull for people like everyone that helps you, It make me proud to call my fellow furs family and friends

9 more days and I will be 22,

Feb 7 is my birthday! I can't wait... but I work... BLAST IT, Foiled again!

1. Are you single or taken?
need I answer that?

2. Chocolate or flowers?
flowers

3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
Make a master plan on how top steal a heart... forever

4.Do you like anyone?
A few people

5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines?
yes and no... it was messed up

6. What would be your dream Valentines date?
Movie, candle light dinner with pasta, and a good old cuddle

7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
Not really, but I never a reason to

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
Oh yes... Who as not?

9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
I have

10. Do you believe in Cupid?
sadly no.

11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines?
just hearts

12. Do you still send out Valentines cards?
to a select few... that more like poems

13. Do you like candy hearts?
in ice tea mostly

15. Is Valentines depressing?
Use to.

16. How do you feel about PDA?
Bha It is life, you see it everywhere!

17. How is your love life?
Cursed.

18. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
Not yet, and don't plan on it

19. How many roses would you want?
none, but I aways welcome them

20. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend next Valentines?
I plan to have the same one

Do you know it feel, to be stuck between a hard place and a rock? It’s how I feel… I’m stuck between my heart and mind. The will to go forward or to give up, strive for the seeming full impossible or don’t bother. It how I feel. I am stuck on staying close to my one friend who I have strong feelings for… and wanting nothing more then to vanish into thin air and have him forget about me. What is the right choice?

The person I like is mated, I fully respect that… but that is what has in this bind. I want to get close to him as a friend, and hope for something a bit better… but in turn I don’t want to become a factor if things between him and his mate become unstable and fall apart… nor do I want him to be come uncomfortable… My heart tells me to get close to him, as a friend and hope for the best… my mind tells me not to get involved because my hearts seeks more then I wish to risk… Every day I chat with him is like stabbing me with a white hot knife. It’s like I feel lonely, depressed, worried, guilty, yet happy.

I think it just best to disappear and act like I don’t know him. Removing myself from the factor, kill my desire to know him, sever all ties to him… why? To give him the best chance at making his relationship work. I am more then willing to take the suffering and the sorrow that comes alone with driving away the ones you call your friends… if it gives him the best chance of making him happy. But In turn I could hurt him, and I don’t wish to do that to him, because my heart wants to keep close to him. I could try to exterminate all my feeling towards him that is not friendship, distant myself. Smother any attempts to show affection from both sides… drive him away to the point that we are nothing more then two who chat with each other. But I could hurt him the process. And my heart will not allow that.

I could in turn try to close to him, work to earn his respect, try to be of some emotional support as a friend should be… but what about of me? I suffer just as much, knowing I can’t act on any of my emotions, and I could be a stress factor in third relationship and shatter it, then I blame myself… because I got to close to him. I just want him to be happy; I do anything to make sure he is happy, even if it means just walking away and forgetting. He is happy with his mate, despite his fears. And I feel if I get close to him. I could be the cause if things fell apart… and I hate myself if I did that.

But what about me? I give so much of myself out to other, and ask nothing in return. I act like an adviser to all my friends and ask nothing more then to be happy. I willing to share the things I learn, seen and felt to that make the best of choice. I have been a mender of friendships and couples. I am the rock for those who need it. And I never ask for anything in turn. I hardly seek anything for myself, because I feel like I not worth it. I can’t bring myself into asking for or wanting anything that will make me happy… knowing that I will lose in in a little while afterwards

One person I know for a while called me a martyr… I help others even if it causes me pain… may it be physical, emotional or other. I will show them happiness and I will how them the best part about themselves. Yet… I sit here… No self respect, no faith in myself. I feel crushed and trampled. Just like a lone flower growing from the crack in the sidewalk, something to brighten someone days, only to be forgotten when I am no longer need. My ability to put up feeling that other want to see is a skill I have mastered in my 11 years of depression… a mask. I show what others want to see to be happy, as I die a bit day by day inside… them being none the wiser. Make me hard to read at an emotion level… unless you seen me happy…truly happy. Then I am just as easy to read as a child’s book.

But I never happy for longer then a few moments. I have a small stint when someone thanks me for my advice and it worked for them… or when I do something wonderful and get praised for it… but who does not? The number of times in the past 5 years I had a bounce in my step, I full toothed grin and a good real laugh… maybe… maybe 14-15 times. When I was with Dragyn, I was content happy… until he started to question thing. Then thing went down hill for me. We slowly drifted apart and agreed to go out own ways as lovers… And with stripes I loved him…I was happy when we chatted… I wanted to make things work… but the distant was too much and he was hurting so I gave him up so he could find someone better for him.

Yet I was anxious to have coffee with this one guy when that one day came creeping around. I had a bounce in my step… one that I never expect to come back to me as I walked to the coffee shop we agreed to meet at. When he gets there I was happy, content… much like I was before my I feel back into my depression after Stripes and I parted ways. I LOVE the time around I spend around him… it like my whole body, my soul, my heart was alive… I felt like I was once more alive.

I know most of you think I’m nut when I said that, and you’re thinking: “Dummy you are alive.” But let me clear things up. I feel emotion drained and dead, my body may be alive, but I don’t feel my age… I feel like I lived a full life time of pain and lessons… yet I lived only 21 years. I’m still young but I feel like I’m 40, if not older…

Here is the ringer. He does not want me to leave him, He wants me to be a friend to him… yet I to this moment, I wish I just walked away when I told him my farewell, yet he wanted me to stay… he asked me why I wanted to leave, but that is hard to do on a mobile phone. So I stayed…. I believe the best gift of love is to give them up when you know you can’t make them happy, so that they can find someone who can.

I feel that if I walk away it could be the best thing that would happen to him. But he tells me he likes me as a friend and really don’t want to walk way from that knowing if I did it would pain him… so this is my issues, a conflict of heart and mind. A battle between my desires to be happy and my desire to see him happy. And I myself stuck in the middle, torn in half be my want and desires. I’m at my breaking point… I can’t take it, I feel like a land mine…one wrong step and BOOM someone is now scarred. I really hope he reads this, because I have the inability to express everything I want and need to express without feeling greedy… unless I go to great lengths to explain myself and my actions and feeling.

I beg you all, who know who I talk about not to say his name. But you’re welcome to post…. As well as your welcome to talk to me via msn/yahoo or note me… now it’s my turn to ask for your help, strength and advice… I like a new born when it comes to my feelings for I been out of my depression no more then a full year.

I know what I must do, I am so stubborn, I should follow my heart... and temper it with my mind... I followed my cold logic for far to long avoiding pain that I can avoid... but it not helping to following logic. so I know my course of action. I make a promise. I will not fail, I can not fail. I can't afford to fail.

Stolen from  zeekthelion
LETS SEE HOW DITTZY I am


[X] You have yelled at an inanimate object for 'hurting' you.
[X] You have run into a glass/screen door.
[X] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
[X] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.
[X] You have run into a tree/bush.
[ ] You have been called a blonde.
[X ] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow. (Sad really)
[X] You just tried to lick your elbow.
[ ] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune.
[ ] You sang them to make sure.
[X] You have tripped on your own feet and fallen.
[X] You have choked on your own spit.
[ ] You have seen the Matrix/Star Wars and still don't get it
[ ] You type with three fingers or less.
[ ] You have accidentally caught something on fire. (I love fire)
[X] You have caught yourself drooling. (Food... Food MUST EAT)
[X] You have fallen asleep in class. (Blah blah blah... that all I hear and I pass with flying colours)
[X] Sometimes you just stop thinking.
[X] Sometimes when you are telling a story you forget what you were talking about. (I blame my ADD)
[X] People often shake their heads and walk away from you. (I AM INSANE!!)
[X] You are often told to use your "inside voice".
[ ] You use your fingers to do simple math.
[X] You have eaten a bug by accident.
[ ] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important. (I would but the fox is not home...)
[X] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it.
[X] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket. (Evil pen)
[ ] You repost bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't.
[ ] You break/lose a lot of things.
[X] You tilt your head when you're confused.
[X] You have fallen out of your chair before. (Well it was a stump and I was ambused by a fox and a tiger... and soon was poked off by my attacker)
[X] When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling.
[ ] The word "um" is used many times a day.
[ ] You don't know what "um" means.
[X] You say "what" and "huh" a lot. (I work at a call center... of course)

Don't forget http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/581673/ I still need ideas!

Hello all,

Here is some more Info on the story. There are two kinds of warriors: Immortals, Timeless beings with inhuman powers (A kin to magic and that jazz) and Mortals, who are like us.

Immortals are beings with are timeless, they have master in a May forms of melee combat, focused heavily on swords and medieval weapons, mostly ones they crafted themselves or had custom forged for themselves They have inhuman ability to heal, wounds that would take a mortal a few days to heal would take a mere hour. THe are deadly fast with there chosen weapon, their strikes flowing and smooth. But are not the best at adapting to the changing times. They are driven by pride and as such shun weapons and the tactics that grow from them. Most Immortal have a few spell like thing that will give them an edge in combat

Mortals are other side of the two combatants. Mortals tend to favour Firearms over melee; they are trained in any weapons they want. Some chose to study or se melee weapons, they are not as good as there immoral counterparts but they can fight. They are able to adept and plan ambushes, Mortals then to have a large sum of money they can use thank to the immortal as well as government they serve. They can call in almost anything ranging from FAE (fuel air explosive) to a car

I'm looking for Char. If you want to submit one I'll be more then happy to involve him/her in this free writing story. The things I need to know are the following

Name:
Age:
Mortal or Immortal:
Weapon (2-3, plus gear for mortals… and yes they weapons can be altered… But keep it logical. And weapons plus a few [2-4] spells for the immortal) for:
Skills (anything you can use for combat as well as post and pre battle skills):
Looks (aprox a paragraph):
Style of Combat (range or melee):
BIO (Aprox a paragraph)
Personality:
And anything you wish to add.

Please understand I hold the final rights to alter your char. to better suit the system. I will also be giving the credit to who owns the char.


Back story:
Back in late 09 the UN was disbanded as nations started to battle for resources like water and food as well as farmland. It was not long before the US attempted to invade Canada but there were defeated, so they when after china, in turn china nuked the states major cites. a few nations viewed this as a warning as a first strike tactic they started to nuke each major city, in the world, despite the mass do death, people survived, mostly because the could Shrugged off the effects of radiation poisoning after the nuclear fallout clears all nations found most of the natural resources were destroyed or unusable because of the fall out, to avoid another nuclear war, nations agreed to battle with mercs for both land and resources.

There are 4 alliances in the struggle they are:

North America Alliance (NAA)


Europe United Front (EUF)

Empire of the Rising Sun (ERS

Red Star (RS)

Stolen from  ILoveRaisinBread

any who:

Respond to this journal and:

1- I'll answer with something random about you.

2- I'll dare you to try something

3- I'll say a color I associate with you.

4- I'll tell you something I like about you.

5- I'll tell you something I always remember about you / a first memory about you.

6- I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.

7- I'll ask you something I always wanted to ask you.

8- If I do this for you, you must put this in your journal.


GO!

*Growls* you what is annoying, is my mate’s Sister and brother-in-law. We want to move out, and they heard about this and they had a talk with us, they claimed we talked behind their back, all we did was express our dislike of their use of Drugs, and there acts around the two kids… the fights and token up. They bitch at us for not having jobs… Valley view has none, I dropped over 50 resumes. I had a job as a key holder. But I lost that because of cut backs that the store’s HQ because of the issues in the States. I have never got one call back from anyone since then. I have gotten requests for Interviews down there already. They tell me to keep trying for places in Valleyview, They have opening. I looked into them, they all require training in areas that I have none in, and as such how can I get them? They have threatened my mate, since I been both threatened and assaulted in the last year; I now take all threat as something real. I don’t care if they are his family… if they every touched him I will stop them… but I don’t want to nor wish to, but I will. I don’t feel safe here because I fear that there might be a sting and I want a clean record. I don’t ’at home’ here because of they the have said. I also feel like a burden, I am unable to help his Mother, because I lack a job, I tried everyplace in that tiny, kicky town. I want to work, I want to pay rent, and I need to feel that I can handle my self. I am thankful I got a place to stay in Edmonton and equally thankful that they want we to pay for rent as well… Odd I know but yeah I am glad. I don’t want to be sounding selfish but I want to feel at home, I want to feel like I am doing something, not living on hand outs… I hate that feeling, I am able to work and I want to work… They think otherwise. My mate and I stay in our room because we don’t want to get involved in the fights with them, we do as they ask because it will help release some stress on his mom. Dragyn and I fear that the brother in law is now doing illegal activates… The said they had promises to keep, I have promises to keep as well, we also have a help ourselves so we have a sense of self worth. They call at being self centered, we want to work, we desire to make something of ourselves, and they want us here close to them. They want him to have a car before he moves, there is the bussing system, and taxies… hell even bike and our paws. I own a car, but I can’t use it because of the actions of a step brother who wanted to take a joy ride in a stubble field and ruined my bat, my Alt and starter, and who knows what else. I don’t have the funds to see to it getting fixed, my step brother can’t for he is now in jail for trafficking drugs. They want him to get his grade 12, We can get that once we have a place of our own and two stable job and take night class for his GED, I have my grade 12 as well as what I want to do for a living, and I got the knowledge to go after the other if the main idea fails… They tell Dragyn he has no social skills… Why we living nowhere, we live 15 min out from valleyview and 1 hour from GP… Valleyview is a town that everyone knows everyone and if you don‘t fit in your not welcome, WE don’t go to bars because we don’t wish to be there. It makes it hard for us to be social, we don’t go to GP because it to costly with fuel prices as they are. They say we will not survive in Edmonton that will get murder, all because Jason when he was living there picked fights with the wrong people, we are not him, I know how to avoid problems, and not provoke them. We are fully aware of what things happen in that city, I am a former soldier if I don’t have an option of flight I will only defend myself, my friends and mate. We are both also going to enrol in marshal arts for self defence. They say we will not know anyone, we both call bullshit on that, I have family, my dead mom’s youngest sister, the Edmonton furs that we got to know so well. We tried to explain this. They try to play the guilt trip card…. We been thinking about this move for the November and what are the pros and cons, there are more Pros to this then cons. We are aware of what they may think when we leave, but sometimes you need to be cruel to be nice, we have to leave them, but we plan to send Dragon’s some money every so often to help… we both worry about the welfare of two kids, Dragyn’s baby sister, and his nephew… we don’t want to leave them but we need to get our life set before we even start to help them…
This is the only thing we can do that will benefit the most people, as well as keep promises we set for ourselves as well as the ones we make for other’s… We are thinking about both future as well as the kids, we want to be able to do something for them, but we can’t… not at this moment. I plan to keep the promises to Dragyn to ensure he get his GED and make him something…

Stolen from some random fur

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the adolescent in college that got refused a basketball scholarship when they said found out I would be 'too much of a distraction'... despite getting a 3.9 GPA.

I am the man that was kicked out of the military for being homosexual.. Apparently, it's against coded conduct to hug a crying soldier.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

I am the man who fears that I will never be able to be myself, to be free of this secret because I won't risk losing my family and friends.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMT's stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to 'teach me a lesson'

I just wanted to put up a random title for this...

General meme:

My name is James Roshal, I am a Bi sexual lion, I am mateded to a wonderfull Fox, I now live with him in Canada, I'm legal age for everything, in other words 21.
I am formerly know as Selendrile Alys, a Red tailed hawk. I now as a key holder (Assistant manger) for a chain store in the town i live at. I am a open and easy to talk to. I served my nation for 3 proud years. During that time I did things that has forever scared my heart. (Hint; Lady Macbeth: Out damn spot, out.) I suffered for a depression when my mother died from cancer in the spine, when I was 9 for 5 years to have a wonderful person pull me out... only to have that one person ripped from my life when that one person was hit by a Drunk Driver... I then went into a major depression. I once called myself a hollow and masked person, completly cold and detached to my family, my firends, to everyone I was a merely a body that showed what others expected from me. I never let anyone near me, I kept them away from my heart, I chained my heart behind barb wires and razor wires, I hid it in the darkest parts of my soul.

Funny thing depression is... I steals parts of you that you never expect it would, I bit of who you were... for me the price was my abilty to be empathic as I once was. So mant people call me distant and cold hearted. I can't claim that I am not able to love, but being detached make it hard to keep mates. I had a mate call me two faced. and I had a mate who used me to get back at his other mate... I had one ripped from me. The worst part of my life was when one fur I called mate pulled me from my 6 year major depression was the same one who used me as a tool of revenge. that nearly drove me off the deep end. I had a best friends who ended his life 2 months after my mate was killed... and I wanted to follow that same path. but a few people I come to truely and deeply love saved my hide from that.

I am a novelest. I writer that loves to write long stories. but I love to write fiction and about furs. my weakness is my spelling and if I'm pressed for time my grammer. Few people that i know turn to me for advice... and to some I give advice to. If the wish to heed it is there choice. They all claim it is sound advice. but I am unsure. I tend to keep my standard low when it come to me. I have little to no self respect or faith for myself. I'm honestly shocked at the number of comments I get on some of my poems... and I equally amazed that I got people who love to give me free art. It hard for me to express my shock... when you spend all but 5 months of your life going down hill it does make things hard for yourself. but with this past 5 months and meeting a few very select firends, my new job and my mate. I feel like my life has changed... from being in the pits, to being assaulted to now moved in with my mate. I to this day still fear I am living in a dream.... But once you achive a challanging goal you set forself... you can never go back, It like a drug you get it once and you hooked for life. it can change your life, it can make you feel better about yourself and lift you up from any of the deepest holes and shine light into the darkest shadows.

But I know this one thing... even if it so small... is this:
That I can sit on my bed and relax with my laptop and to look over my arm and see the sleeping form of my mate... even if his face pressed flush to a wall.

And my biggest fear is:
that I will have to repeat the event that scared my soul.

Thank you:

Yuki for being with me so long, even if we parted paths may our bonds of firendship never sever.

Kairi for the kindness you have shown to my shadowed and wilted soul.

SJ for treading a path of thorns for me when I need the help.

Jas... You have lit the fire in my soul, that death put out. You have gave me reason to chase my goals.

To Zane and Acer for support for the short years I know you to.

and to Arrathir, I know he will not read this unless someone from above passes this to him... Your trust and creation showed me I was never completly dead, I was still myself despite hitting rock bottom in my life. I still has my abilty to lead and create my ideas.

And Roshi and my other friends from home... Thank you so much for your support and respect... somedays it was my only reason to live

PS: wow this is big

DAMN IT!!

MY ride still has not arrived now it's a day late, maybe he lost himself in one of many pot holes. So now I just sit here waiting all packed up ready to do... and I still sit here. But there is one good thing to this. more high speed net

SO be it, If I don't get a call SOON I'm taking the Fucken bus!!!

So I started packing today, I don't have tooo manys that are not already packed up and in a box(s). MY ride comes in tomorrow or later today and I can't wait. soon I'll living with my foxy.

Idea stolen from someone.

Breath taking like a winter sunrise

Three more day to i'm with my mate!!!

Is smoking one of your turn offs?
nope.

Do you like the song 'I Kissed A Girl' by Katy Perry?
Yesm

Do you listen to your friend's advice when they give it to you?
not always

What's the last kind of soup you ate?
miso

Does it gross you out when girls don't shave their legs/armpits?
nope
What's so great about the Jonas Brothers?
Jona who?

Do you like the rain?
damn rights I do *Dances in it*

Do you currently have a sunburn?
Sunburn, no. Wind burn, yes.

Could you eat nothing but grilled cheese for a week straight?
lol what do you think my poor ass is doing?!

Who's your favorite country singer?
hmm... Shane yellowbird

What color was the last drink you consumed?
white

Have your parents told you that you couldn't hang out with a certain person?
yes, I told them to fuck off

Would you rather shave your head or dye your hair bright orange?
shave. I done it before

Could you last an hour without talking?
yes

Are more of your friends’ parents divorced or still married?
married

Were you happy when you woke up today?
YEAP!!

What are you listening to right now?
season 1 of Airwold

Would your parents be mad if you got pregnant?
Wha... I got a dick!

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
yes... and not just my mate

When was the last time you cried?
6 years ago... Marshal's death

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?
Yeap.

Have any interesting conversations lately?
yeap, ended up with someone bottom up

Who is the last person you shared a bed with?
Dragyn

Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
work

How do you feel right now?
lonely

When was the last time you were told you were beautiful?
like yesterday, by trip

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
I forgive easy... like the one who assaulted me... but I don't forget

Anything you're looking forward to?
Halloween^^

Have you ever punched a guy?
Army... enough said

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
yess

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
no

Do you have trust issues?
Oh yea.

Are you open with your feelings to people?
yep.. to a point

Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to in person?
no

What is your current annoyance?
EX mate

Do you put ketchup on top of your french fries or on the side?
depends on mood

Do you want to get married?
yes

Last person you blocked on MySpace?
A person

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
4

Last person who texted you?
Mate

Have you ever cried while in the shower?
yes

Do you believe in true love?
yes

When was the last time you were disappointed?
today

What kind of pants are you wearing right now?
Black, tight jeans