This is just me putting out thoughts on digital paper so to speak just so that I can get them out of my head for a bit so feel free to disregard if you want.

I've been starting to feel weirdly isolated from this community again, specifically the babyfur part. I don't know why, I'm doing okay mentally so it's not me isolating because of that. I guess it could be just because I don't really have a lot of friends in the community and the ones I do know I haven't talked with for a while and I always feel kinda bad trying to contact those people again because it always feels like they will have moved on and cut their losses when it comes to me. Trying to make new friends is also difficult, I just sorta never talk to people, I feel like I'll be bothering them. I love this community and wish I could be more active in it but it feels really hard sometimes. Even just doing something as simple as commenting on art or showing support in other ways feels bad to me sometimes. almost like if I comment or favorite stuff my brain tells me that it's unwanted and the person who's art or story I'm interacting with will be somewhere in the world going "oh no not this fucking person". On a logical level though I know that scenario is unlikely even if mostly just due to my one comment or like being drowned out in a sea of other comments and likes.

My brain absolutely works in a weird weird way and you'd think after living with it for 30 years that I would have figured out how it works and how to deal with the thoughts that it sometimes forces to the foreground but I've yet to find an effective way to deal with any of that. But I guess that's just kinda life after all.

This turned into a bit of a weird journal entry but like stated at the beginning I just needed to force these thoughts out of my head in one way or another.

Not much to say in this journal other than that I turned 30 on the 22nd this week. Didn't do much to celebrate, had some cake and stuff with my parents and brother and spent the rest of the time hanging out with my partner Laura. Turning 30 has been rather stressful for certain reasons but it seems to have all worked out for now so I can finally relax for a bit and just enjoy the rest of the summer...that is if I don't melt from the heat atm.

Around may/june this year I started a neurodivergency investigation at the psychiatric clinic I go to. I had been placed on a wait list back in November of last year and finally got to start it in May/June of this year. At the end of august I got the answer. I was diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and ADHD. I have to admit that I was slightly surprised but at the same time I knew what the result was gonna be. They asked me how I felt about receiving the diagnosis and to be quite honest it was a bit of a relief for me. It meant that my entire life I hadn't just been lazy and worthless like I kept telling myself for years. To be quite honest I probably would never have thought about going through the diagnosis process if it wasn't for my amazing partner who suspected that I had ASD due to things I did that they recognized as they themselves have ASD.

While it was a relief to get the diagnosis as it theoretically will make it more manageable at the same time I couldn't help but be a bit angry. Not angry at the diagnosis but angry at the fact that it took me until I was 29 to get diagnosed. I was clearly showing signs of both the autism and adhd when I was a kid in the early 2000's but my parents never caught it and instead just chalked it up to "Oh thats just how they are". I feel like maybe if I had been diagnosed as a kid it would have saved me years and years of torment from teachers and adults getting angry at me for things I couldn't really control. Instead I internalized these things as "bad" parts of me that I had to hide and keep under control and it caused me a lot of stress and made me feel like shit mentally. It made me retreat into myself and become the quiet and shy person I was for a long long time and I guess still actually am to this day.

All of that is why it actually felt like a relief when I got the diagnosis. It meant that I could now find strategies to deal with all the things I do and hopefully help me feel better about myself. And none of it would ever have happened if it wasn't for my absolutely amazingly loving and supporting partner. I'm pretty sure she will read this and if she does then this last part is just for her, Thank you

Not going anywhere just yet but gonna post my Bsky anyway : https://bsky.app/profile/pastelfurry.bsky.social

So when I grew up in the late 90's and early 2000's some of my absolute favorite movies I remember were movies by Don Bluth. Movies like "The land before time", "an american tail" & "Anastasia" I especially loved most of the land before time movies. But there was this one movie that he made that I never saw. In fact I can't recall ever having seen a VHS box of the movie and I do remember scanning the video rental kids section when I was small but I also owned a lot of VHS movies and later dvd's. Anyway that movie was "All dogs go to heaven" , now I have heard of the movie over the years and always remembering people saying it's a pretty heartbreaking movie. Now that never struck me as odd or anything as I had watched Bluth movies before and I distinctly remember things like Littlefoot's mom dying in land before time. So this evening I decided to get comfy and finally get around to watch All dogs go to heaven. So I put on my kigu snuggled down on my couch with my blåhaj and started to watch the movie. And all I can say is at the end of it I was crying my eyes out, no joke. Now I usually have a pretty difficult time getting emotional at movies although granted it's easier for me to get emotional at animated movies, no idea why but for some reason my brain has a hard time trying to relate to a lot of characters in live action movies but with animated ones it tends to be able to relate pretty easily and that goes double for any movie with a animal protagonist. Like I don't know if this movie ended up hitting me so hard at this time because I recently lost my step-grandpa and I was at his funeral about 3 weeks ago. But I think even removed from that the movie would probably have hit me just as hard. But I also have to say it's a beautiful movie with good themes a good story sadly one or two dated jokes but overall I loved the movie. I think it also reminded me of this thing that I miss in a lot of animated movies now that were present in Don Bluth movies. And it's the feeling of real weight behind choices and such. These movies didn't back down from showing that death is something that happens and we have to deal with it. I honestly think the man himself said it best and I'll leave this journal with a quote from him that got stuck in my head after watching this movie

“If you show the dark moments, then the triumphant moments have more power." - Don Bluth

So next week on Tuesday I'm going for my monthly meeting with my mental health nurse, and these meetings usually always go the same way. She asks me how I'm doing I reply with "I can't complain, no one listens anywway" in a joking tone making it sound like I'm joking even though I myself am unsure if I'm actually joking or not. I'll sit there for an hour and just talk about some random thing and then I'll smile and leave and go about my day. Now the issue here is that I can always think of a few issues that I could be talking with her about. Things like the fact that besides being trans and a furry I barely even know who I am anymore, identity wise. I used to style myself a bit like a goth rocker or other such things. But just I always feel like I am a complete and total fraud and impostor within the circles of my interests. I never really feel at home in any sub-culture or fandoms or interest groups. I don't know if it's because the friends I grew up with I had nothing in common with so I just had to pretend to be on their level and always was scared that the second the realized that I was bluffing they would just screw off and leave me. I feel like it might just be a mix of the want to belong to a group and have peers and other people with the same interests as me. That of course gets super difficult when you barely know what you're interested in anymore which just adds to the feeling of not belonging anywhere.

Another issue I have that I could definitely do with discussing is the issue of me feeling like I never deserve anything. This mostly manifests in the way that I'll be super excited about getting something and I'll be super giddy and happy up until I have ordered whatever product and once it's on it's way I just chastise myself for being a complete idiot and wasting money on myself for something that most likely I will never have a use for or me feeling like it's something that I absolutely don't need. This makes it so absolutely difficult to get into any hobby that I feel is interested because if I can't see a practical application of the hobby or the tools themselves I feel like its a waste of money and I don't deserve it. And all of this feeds into the absolute biggest issue I have. That being the issue that I have to keep myself occupied with something, I can't stand doing nothing or being bored because the second my brain is idle it usually starts to think about depressing things that can make me spiral into a terrible mental state.

And these are only a few of the things I feel like I could bring up with my mental health nurse, yet I probably never will. Why? I honestly have no idea, best guess is that I don't want others to spend their energy on trying to help me because my brain thinks that I am undeserving of help. Other than that I have absolutely no clue as to why I do this to myself

I try to not be a downer and depressive as much as possible now adays but sometimes that can be difficult, most of the time it's not that I feel like shit from anything happening or such it's more that my mind wanders down the path of a idea of thought process and then gets stuck there.

So happiness is something that I have been chasing for a long time and while thinking about it this evening I asked myself the question "Have I ever been happy?". Now I always hear people talking about the happiest they ever were or the happiest day of their life so far and such, if you were to ask me what my happiest day so far was or to describe a moment in time or a event or a thing where I felt truly happy that would honestly be very difficult for me. My mind goes back to things like the first 2 years I attended Nordicfuzzcon or certain parts of my youth. But when I think about all of those moments for more than a second or two I just get reminded that they have all been tainted by negative emotions and experiences. The first furry convention I ever went to? well some shit happened during a room party. 2nd time I attended? Mostly positive stuff that is now tainted by negative associations with things I did after. Thinking back on my childhood and the friends I had I get reminded that every "friend" I had associated with me either because they were friends with my brother or because I would buy candy and such to share between classes in school. All these "happy" memories are forever tainted by negative thoughts and emotions. Now that isn't to say that I am miserable and sad all the time. A lot of the time I am neutral or at best content. I try to not get my hopes up to much about anything anymore as it makes me scared that they will always end up getting ruined or tainted by the negative.

It truly is a bizarre feeling being able to look back at your life and just go "yupp, most if not all of my memories are ruined by the surrounding events".

I will end of this journal with this though. All of these things I am talking about are more than a year in the past. There has been one event during this year where I did feel happy, I did feel good and that memory as of writing this has not been ruined by any bad thoughts or feelings. What was that event? getting to spend a weekend with my lovely boyfriend in Oslo. I felt happy and loved and I am going to leave it at that.

Christmas has always been my favorite part of the year ever since I was a kid, mostly because I always liked getting toys and such as gifts. As I grew older I of course stopped getting toys for Christmas and in the last 16ish years I haven't really gotten anything special. But this year I think I got something very special indeed, I got the gift of insight into who I am.

Now this might sound really cryptic and weird and it's mostly because it is. So I am just gonna come out and say it.

As my gift for Christmas I realized that I am Trans.

Now you might think that is one hell of a thing to realize and the truth is I have pretty much always known but chosen to deny this part of me. Never being happy about being born male but choosing to repress it and be someone everyone else wanted me to be. But I am 26 and I feel that I can't go the rest of my life pretending to be someone I don't wanna be. I do deserve to be happy and to like myself.

So I'm putting this out into the world knowing full well that it could bite me in the ass in any number of ways, but it's worth it if I get to live as who I want to be.

I'd be lying if I said that just putting this out into the world didn't scare the crap out of me. but it's worth it.

So I am heading down a new path, I know that it will be slow at times as I try to work up the courage to keep being me.

Thank you for reading, it felt really good to get this off my chest.

One of the most annoying flaws I have is that my brain operates on money purchases to make me feel happy. Now that might sound a bit strange but it pretty much works like this. I think off a thing that I want, I look it up online and if its something I have the monetary means to buy I'll buy it, then once I have actually purchased it I get super happy and excited for a couple of hours and then my brain just goes "What the hell is wrong with you" and I feel immense guilt for purchasing said item. It's rather annoying because the happiness I get from it fades really quickly, and in the longer schemes of things it means that I am really bad at saving money to buy things I actually want. For example I will most likely never be able to buy a fursuit. It would be completely possible if I saved a bit of my earnings every month for like a year-ish. But I am actually incapable of saving money, I have no monetary control because I make dumb purchases because I want to feel happy even if its just for a few minutes or hours. Now this used to be a lot worse when I was super depressed but I feel like it's not really a lot better at the moment and to clarify I don't feel really depressed at the moment, the problem is that I don't feel happy either. I just experience a constant emotional state of neutrality, like if you were to ask me how my day was or how I'm doing I will respond with "I'm doing well, like always" but that isn't really true, I'm not depressed but neither am I happy, I just sorta exist. And when I make purchases of things I actually FEEL something other than just monotone meh-ishness.

I have thought about letting someone else have control of my finances so that I can actually manage to save some money and not just always have like 20SEK (2$) for about a week before I get my salary every month. But at the same time my brain operates on the logic that I would rather die than give someone else control over my money. I think its a pride thing where I just wanna know that I am in control of my own money and I don't have to ask someone else to use MY own money.


It's complicated and annoying.

It doesn't happen very often but sometimes a piece of media most often a show comes along and just grabs me in such a way that I have a hard time not thinking about it. I guess it's the closest I get to a hyper fixation. My Little Pony friendship is magic was one of these pieces of media and World of Warcraft aswell. For example I have played World of Warcraft pretty much everyday for the last 15 years. I have played WoW for more than half of my life. And Helluva Boss has very obviously become one of these things that just roots itself in my mind and stays there rent free. The interesting thing is that I stumbled upon the show and all of Vivziepops works by accident. I was hanging around with my brother in the summer of last year just talking and randomly in his recommended on Youtube the music video for Vivziepops other animated show Hazbin Hotel's song Addict came up and my brother just put it on for no reason. I listened to it and just something struck a cord with me, now I had never seen the pilot for the show and knew nothing about the characters but Angel Dust in the music video just kinda resonated with me and it stuck. Immediately when I got back to my PC I watched the pilot for Hazbin Hotel. I was kinda left speechless and intrigued I then saw the pilot for Helluva Boss in the related videos on the side of the page and clicked it. The pilot was pretty much what I was expecting from a vulgar type comedy at the time. Then I saw that the 1st episode of season 1 was out and watched that. I don't know exactly what but something once again just resonated with me. The characters were funny and interesting. I subscribed to Vivziepop's channel in wait of episode 2. When it came out I was instantly glued to my PC screen and watching it. And within the first 5 minutes of the episode I knew exactly why I had fallen in love with this show. There was something under the surface that became obvious to me. This show wasn't just a comedy set in hell. This was about broken people doing the best of their situations. And in a shock to no one I especially fell in love with the character Stolas. Especially after his song number "You Will Be Okay". A father singing to their child that no matter what happens they will never be alone and they will infact always be okay. Those 4 words, something I always wanted to hear from my father. Now when I grew up I never felt like I had a father. I was very distant from my step-father and I don't think I have ever called him dad during my whole life, I always just referred to him by his name. We are just to different, He is more interested in cars while my interests have always laid within the virtual worlds of videogames and computers. My relationship with him is a lot better now adays and has been pretty okay ever since I was around 15-16. But in episode 2 off that short scene of Stolas comforting his child I kinda got a glimpse of what I had been missing out on during my childhood. And when we then see what has happened to his life after his wife found out about his affair with Blitz we just get to see something that was just kinda familiar to me. The feeling that you can't be yourself, that feeling off letting others down. And that was a thing that resonated with me aswell from Stolas. Having to hide your sexuality because of doubt. Now Stolas isn't the only characters that struck a cord with me. Blitz aswell has just been a fountain of familiar feelings. The walls that you put up when you don't want to be hurt. The mentality of "If I don't let anyone close and I hurt them first, they can't hurt me when they leave". And the most familiar feeling, the one that just sits in the back of your head and tells you that you aren't worthy of love. When in fact its hard to be loved by someone else when you don't love yourself. That is the thing about Helluva Boss that makes it special for me, It's just filled with all to real and familiar emotions to me. Loneliness, Hurt, Self-criticising and self-ridicule. All trade mark tools off my mental states and my mental health. But it's not all just doom and gloom. Then we have characters like Millie and Moxxie, two of the most wholesome characters I've seen in a while. The love those two have for each other is just a sign that love is worth it. But it also acts as a double edged sword. First showing that such love exists and can make your everyday life just fun and worth living, but on the other hand it can also fuel this feeling of someone else having something you want but will never have because you personally don't deserve it. What I feel is that this show came in to my life at the absolutely perfect moment. It came into my life when I was at my lowest. Alone, feeling unloved, hopelessly depressed and wanting a reason to exist. Both Hazbin and Helluva have shown me that change on a personal level is always possible. You are never trapped in being who you think you are or who you have been just because of the people you surrounded yourself with. Redemption is a word that has some very interesting connotations but I believe that it is used perfectly in the Hazbin Hotel pilot. And I think that the main character of Hazbin Hotel just sums it up perfectly "Look, every single one of you have something good deep down inside, I know you do." . And that is one of the things I have always struggled with. My conflicting thoughts of judgment taught by my family and my own thoughts that no one should ever be beyond redemption. But that's the thing about life, nothing is ever black or white, it's all just shades of grey. Anyway that is enough of my rambling for this time.

I'm gonna end this off with two quotes from the show that resonated with me pretty hard.

"Thank you, for... inviting me out tonight. Despite everything that's happened, I... I enjoyed spending time with you."
―Stolas

"I just wanna go home, but home doesn't even feel like home anymore."
―Octavia

So yeah just gonna throw out a little journal really quickly to talk about today. Instead of having to retype everything I'm just gonna put in what I put in my picture descriptions to begin with to give some back story to this journal.

"I don't know if this is practiced in other countries outside of Sweden or maybe outside of Scandinavia. But here in Sweden we have a day that happens usually the day after Halloween where you go to the graveyard and light candles in remembrance of your loved ones that have passed away. Seeing as none of my relatives are buried where I live we can't leave a candle at their gravestone but instead get to leave a candle at a designated space in the graveyard for people that can't get to their relatives graves, in Swedish its called a "Minneslund" or roughly translated to memory lane in English. This is the first time I've been lighting a candle in remembrance of someone that I can actually vividly remember. For those that don't know my great grandfather passed away on the 28th of december, 4 days after christmas in Sweden. He passed away from a brain bleed. It was definitely a lot harder and more emotional to light candles this year."

Now with that out of the way I'm just gonna say that this is a day that I always appreciate every year because it kinda acts like a reality check for me. Because when I'm at the graveyard lighting these candles with my family I do always feel really sad for obvious reasons. And it just makes me think of the fact that If I had ever gone trough with ending my life any of the times I was close to doing it my family would have to be at the graveyard lighting a candle without me in remembrance of me. And it just reminds me off the fact that they would miss me ALOT. So yeah its a reality check for me and always makes me remember that my family actually loves me.

Anyway I hope that everyone is having a great weekend.

also if any of you wanna see the pictures I'm talking about from the graveyard they can be found here. It's always very beautiful.
https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery.....oved-ones-2021

So I'm just gonna start out by saying I have a good chemistry with my psych nurse for the most part. She is pretty lovely and easy to talk to about most things...there are somethings I do avoid though. For example it's in my file that I have the AB/DL kink as I mentioned it to my first psych nurse and that was a huge mistake. I'm not gonna go into everything that happened but it was frustrating to say the least. But this last Wednesday I was talking to my current psych nurse about the fact that I am unsure about my gender and such and he immediate response was "Yeah you've mentioned this before about you having difficulty with other people and being unsure about your sexuality" and I just wanted to scream. I don't know why it is so hard for a lot of mental health professionals to understand that sexuality and gender isn't necessarily connected. I just ended up telling her "I am pretty sure in my sexuality and it has nothing to do with my views on my gender" and not a lot more was said because our time was up for that meeting, but she did say that she wanted to discuss it at our next meeting. I dunno if I might just have screwed up badly by bringing this up because it's very obvious that they will just keep trying to tie it back to my sexuality. Oh well we shall see what will happen.

My adult life has always been one filled with questions. I didn't start questioning my sexuality until I was around 17 and at that point in time I was convinced that I was bi-sexual but with a leaning toward men. I became unsure about that as I didn't really experience sexual lust for a long time. So A-sexual it was. But now I am unsure of even that I'm thinking that it might just have been some of my medications I had at the time playing tricks. I do feel sexual urges but they are very often complicated. For example I can get to the point of arousal where I end up having to take "care" of it and the moment I am done I feel such a strong feeling of shame and disgust at myself. Hence why I am even more confused about it all than I was before. All I really know is the fact that I am not straight.

And now for the question that has been bugging me the most these last few years. That would be the question of gender. I keep questioning my gender a lot. I think that I am not experiencing gender dysphoria as my understanding of that is different than what I am experiencing. I think the best way I can describe it is that there have been a lot of moments in my life where I have had the thoughts off "I wish I was female" those thoughts are often accompanied by the ideas that I would love to be able to wear what is classified as "female clothing" for example skirts, dresses and such as I find it a lot more appealing than I find any type of clothing. This might also be connected to the fact that I really dislike my body. I hate having body hair and my facial hair bothers me a lot of the time. I feel like there are no clothes I look good in and I avoid wearing a lot of the types of clothes that I would want to wear due to my self-image being very poor. But back on the gender front there are also times where I don't mind being male. It's not that I feel an overwhelming happiness at being male it's just a neutrality. And there is this festering fear of me not knowing what I want. Do I want to be female? or is it just the fact that I wanna escape the confines of my male body because I am un-happy with it? These questions are indeed driving me rather mad.

These thoughts just keep swirling around in my head and I am never getting any closer to an answer. It doesn't really help that I don't even know where I would begin to try and find out. Many of the people I have learned to know trough the furry fandom are somewhere on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum but I don't feel that I am close enough with anyone that I could immediately go to them for guidance and help, or at least not without feeling like a bother. I believe that it is spawned from this feeling that a lot of the furry and especially babyfur community can't me or just downright don't like me.

All in all I just want some answers but I fear no one can answer these questions but myself and I do not believe that I will ever have the answers I seek.

So this night has been pretty much crap. Now let me just start out by saying it is very rare that I experience nightmares. I used to somewhat frequently at like the age of 5. But after getting a dreamcatcher I never really had any issues and I know that the effect of that is pretty much psychosomatic. I believed that it worked and therefore it worked. Nightmares has been very uncommon since then but they did happen every once in a while but they always worked out in the same way. I'd wake up and realize it was a nightmare and within 15-30ish minutes id be back to sleep and I'd sleep well for the rest of the night. What happened tonight it has of course happened before but very very rarely. These nightmares were at the point where after waking up I'd actually physically feel unsafe and fearful of falling back asleep. And here is where that becomes a huge issue. One of the reasons I have been able to function well during these last 6+ months is partly because I have been sleeping well. And it's no mystery that when you sleep well your brain feel better than if you don't. So this has just left me feeling very anxious and actually wanting to cry because it really messes with my head. I don't really know what more to say on the matter other than I just wanna curl up into a ball and cry right now.

So after all that has been happening lately I just wanted to post a journal with a chain of tweets that I made that I might expand upon a bit.

When it comes to people holding certain viewpoints on matters in life it should always be considered that people can always change their views. But they gotta be willing to change them, Most people dont want to, but for every 9 hard headed stubborn people there is atleast 1 person willing to change, They just sometimes needs some encouraging. And even then its not always easy. The trick is figuring out who that 1 person is. I know that most of the time it seems easier to condemn people than to try and convince them that their viewpoints are problematic. It takes alot of time and energy on both parts. Some people are afraid of changing their viewpoints because they'll end up loosing people they care about, Friends,family. The truth is if they care about you they shouldnt care about your views on certain things. And it gets even more scary if you have a reputation for having had said viewpoint. Alot of people will accuse you of having "coluded with the enemy". Which makes it hard to find new friends and people that will accept you when you make the eventual switch of viewpoint. These are the people that will never change their opinion of you, And therefore you gotta rule them out as possible friends. Its hard, Especially if they have a position of influence within said community, You might end up alone for a long time and that is very scary. This is why most people stick to views they've had for a long time, Even if they get disenfranchised with the ideas. Trust me its no fun being frozen out of two communitys becuase one wants you dead and the other wants nothing to do with you because of viewpoints you once held. I am sadly speaking from experience, I am not going to go into detail because I have left all of that behind me because it was hurting me more than it was helping me. And its funny, sometimes all it takes for someone to change their views is for one person to show that they care. It's a struggle, Sometimes you slip back into the old way of thinking, But you gotta keep going and you gotta be determined that you WANT to change. I know its a corny old saying but sometimes its as simple as "if it doesnt work out in the end, then its not the end"

This is going to sound really stupid but there is a song lyric that always stuck with me from a song I really liked.
"Crazy madmen on a leash
Or young men who lost their way?"

I always found it very fitting for how I spent alot of my younger years.

So like the title says I'm looking for a babyfur/kidfur friendly artist that would be open to discussion on the theme of a groupe picture, It would work like any group pic where you get to sell of each slot and I will pay like a commission for the initial idea being sketched out and such. Hit me up if interested, Also not sure any of this made any sense but oh well.

So for those that dont know I spent last night in the hospital. Checked in with limb pain,Dizzyness,shortness of breath,confusion and a dry cough. They checked me out and told me everything is fine except for a small raise in some infection tests but that could literally just be a common cold. Did have to leave a covid test tho. Now I am back home and spent pretty much all the day in bed sleeping feeling exhausted. Problem is now its 02:15 at night and im feeling awake and can't really sleep, but at the same time im feeling weird. Im not feeling sick or dizzy or anything but im feeling kinda "empty" headed. Like im almost having a hard time comprehending things and im making alot more spelling mistakes that unusual aswell as having a bit of trouble seeing what im typing (once again its not seeing badly its like I dont comprehend what im typing for a few seconds). So I dunno what to do, I guess I'm just gonna wait for this to blow over?

So today has been a very strange day, I spent last night doing drunken D&D with a few friends (it was very fun) which meant I was drinking which is something I try not to do since it usually means that I'll be in a really sad mood or I'll end up feeling bad. This time I didnt though, Im thinking it might be because I wasnt drinking alone I was talking to friends and having fun while doing it. Anyway it ended up with me going to bed at around 9-10ish in the morning. I then managed to sleep all the way until around 8 in the evening ( I even slept through dinner...bad Tera) I woke up feeling a bit groggy not hung over or anything because I don't really ever get hung over. But after some youtube watching and diaper surfing (yes I spent time looking at padding that I wanna have) I ended up reading twitter for a couple of hours. Usually I read twitter when im feeling bored and sad, Not this time however I was just feeling really happy and optimistic so I did some twitter engaging talking to a few people, tweeting a bit. And its kinda funny even though I haven't played a single minute of a video game today or done anything really I haven't felt bored or annoyed or even unhappy. Sure not everything is perfect right now but I'm feeling as if tho im on a upswing. Like things will actually get better from here on out and I shall keep being positive and try to be happy for as much as I can because well time is fleeting so why spend it being miserable and bogged down in sadness?

Hoping you all have had an amazing sunday and that you all did something fun or creative. If you did feel free to tell me in the comment section I would love to hear about peoples day ^w^

Sincerely a happy fopso

Like title says im drunk please ask questions. anything goes

So I posted a thing about this over on twitter and to save me some time I'm just gonna copy the tweet and then add to it here.

I dont WANT weight loss surgery I NEED it. Im so sick and tired of weighing 145kg, never being able to padd up correctly cuz im to fat, not being able to buy clothes anymore because im to fat, Never feeling comfortable because im to fat, It's literally driving me crazy.
and before all health crusaders come storming. YES i have tried diet and exercise, NO it doesnt work for me because I have a chemical imbalance. Surgery is literally the only way for me. Because If I gotta keep being this fat for the rest of my life I might aswell just end it.
And that might seem a bit like a bleak outlook on life but thats because it is. Heck id do pretty much anything if I could weigh like between 75-80kg again. I havent weighed that much since I was like 9. Id literally sell my soul. And I know people will be like "Oh being fat doesn't matter aslong as your happy and not ill"
Well it does because I never feel good because I am fat. I feel hideous, and no im not saying that people that weigh alot cant be beautiful they can. But I dont feel beautiful like ever. And its bad when you'd rather be dead than live being overweight for the rest of your life.

I dunno, Im not even sure if any of this is making any sense I might just be rambeling like a mad man (I stopped taking my anti-depressant meds so I have no idea)

Anyway I hope that everyone is having a lovely saturday, and I wish you a great weekend all furs, big or small,

Tried having some little time today. Sorta success I guess? I installed a snes emulator on my laptop and hooked it into the tv. laid down blankets on the floor and just lay down and tried to play snes games, didnt go to well couldnt get the emulator to work for the first 30 min, then I played like 5 seconds of the lion king snes game (it was hard), decided to do some drawing instead while watching paw patrol. And I can with confidence say that paw patrol either isnt my thing or I just wasnt in the right headspace. Oh well atleast I have chocolate milk and my paci ^^

So about a week ago I stopped taking my anti-depressant meds, Now before people go crucifying me for this, they honestly made me feel like shit, disoriented,tired and unfocused. Sure so far there have been some moments of mood unstableness but other than that I've been feeling pretty well. I do get fleeting moments of hopelessness and depression but if I manage to distract myself by playing games or things like that I feel that im more focused on the tasks I do. Now those are some pretty okay news but I did have a thing happen to me lately that wasnt really okay. I had a psychiatric medical proffessional say to me "I would recommend ECT (Electroshock therapy) to you" to which my reaction was pretty much "hahahaha NOPE!". Like seriously I didnt know we lived in the 1950's still. And apparently its quiet common in Sweden to use as a treatment for depression,seizures and other things. Now I'm usually very open minded when it comes to things but I will NEVER let them do electroschock therapy on me. Mostly because there are reported side-effects of memory loss,disorientation and just general nastyness. And after doing some more research on how its done here in my country there are several doctors who have said that it is and I quote "state sponsored torture". So yeah hope I never have to talk to that doctor again. Which reminds me I'm going to meet my new psychiatric doctor tomorrow, and I'm feeling dubious about it because most of the ones I've had haven't exactly been shining examples of the medical proffession. I did have one good one but he quit due to having to travel 2 hours to get to work. But yeah I'm sure it will all work out in the end. Im having a more positive outlook on the future most of the time now. Even though I am going a bit stir crazy here at home. Never getting to see anyone except family and doctors can take a bit of a toll on the psyche. But yeah there is no use in crying about it that wont fix anything.

I do hope that everyone had a great easter and that you all have a good continuation of the year.

Today is another one of those days. I feel so un-important and everything feels pointless. I havent talked to any "friends" in like 2 months now or something like that. They couldn't give two shits about me at this point in time. If I seek em out to talk to them I get the "I dont have time to talk" vibes from them everytime. Im currently at home with my brother and my two cats. My parents are at my great grandmothers place trying to move her into a nursing home. My anti-depressant meds dont do anything so I dont think I'm even going to bother to take them anymore. Whats the point in taking some meds that have never done anything? Just for the routine? No. I don't have fun playing World of Warcraft anymore so I've just quit my guild, not like they were talking to me anyways. I just feel frustrated and angry alot of the time lately. And when im not feeling frustrated I'm just feeling spent and tired. I can't even get into little space anymore. I havent been in proper little space since 2017 at a NFC party. Atleast I'm not feeling suicidal, I'm just feeling hella tired all the time now. I'm also just stressing so much about everything. I keep forgetting to pay back a friend of mine the 50£ I owe them, I still spend my money on un-necessary shit and go broke within two days. I've even started to sell of my possessions.

But I know that you are all tired of me whining and wingeing. So no one is going to read this and even if they do it will be the same old "it will get better" stuff. I just wanna know when it will get better.

Also Happy Easter everyone I hope you will have a better time than I am having.

So this journal is going to be a bunch of rambeling and non sensical but its mostly because I am still in shock/grieving, Today on the 28th of december 2020 at around 10 in the morning I was told that my great grandfather had been hospitalisied due to a massive brain hemorrage, So my mother and I packed ourselves into the car and drove 300 something kilomoters to our home town. When we made it to my great grandmothers house they were off visiting him in the hospital, He was non responsive and they couldnt do anything about the hemorraging due to some of his medications. My mother, me, my aunt and my great grandmother went back to the hospital about an hour after we arrived. He was still non responsive but he was breathing and he didnt look like he was in any pain. We sat with him for a while and talked to him but ultimately we went home because there was nothing we could do. About an hour and a half later his daughter called us and told us he had gone to the great slumber. My heart was broken as I had to call around and tell some relatives he had passed. We went back to the hospital where we got to see him in his hospital room where they had lit candles, left out a bible and a little angel. It was at this point that I really broke down. But I pulled myself together and got to say goodbye to him one on one. Wherever you are now know that I will always love you and I'm sorry we didnt talk as much as we should have. Also I fullfilled my promise I made on christmas and our phones got to meet even if we didnt get to properly one last time.

I love you great grandfather and I will miss you forever.

days will come and days will pass but memories will always remain even if the days seem gray.

R.I.P Olle 1934-2020 <3

So this year is really screwd up. I havent seen my mates in like 7-8 months since this all started. Nor have I talked to them very much. I was just told one of my best mates has covid which is really sad but im not that surprised since he isnt the most careful person and he has also been working alot this year and since he works in machinery he cant work from home. So yeah that really sucks, and it makes me kinda mad that he is just like going on with going to shop by himself and driving his family around and all that and im like "dude you shouldnt be in contact with your family really since you have been tested positive". But yeah that sucks. And to top it off I wont get to see my relatives for christmas this year, which I mean isnt that heartbreaking it can be kinda nice to not have to travel. But my great grandmother and her husband is 85 & 86 years old and will be celebrating christmas alone. My granddad will probably be with them since he lives close but it kinda sucks cuz you never know how much time you have left with them. And other than that I cant really celebrate new year the way I prefer to do it with mates getting drunk and playing boardgames. Now this is alot of bitching I know and I'm sorry for that but I kinda just need to let out some of my thought. And it doesnt help either that my biological mother (who i dont live with) has covid aswell which just makes me worry like a million times more.

I'm sorry if this has been very scatter brained but I can't seem to formulate my thoughts to well lately.

Also I have signed myself up for addiction help. I realised I could use it when I was up at like 6 in the morning yesterday and drinking about 350ml of rum just because I felt like drinking. Now I dont drink nearly as much as I used to but I'm guessing getting some help with it wont hurt. Hopefully I'm going to learn "responsible" drinking.