I am currently live over at https://www.twitch.tv/yanzuh with a viewer interaction stream where YOU choose what I do in the World of Warcraft Shadowlands beta, Yes that means YOU choose my race,class,spec and where I go and level so feel free to drop by and keep me company and make some choices for me.

So the last few days havent been very pleasent if im going to be honest. Ive been feeling very depressed and even suicidal. But for some reason when I woke up this morning those feelings were just gone. I guess it might have been because of finally getting a good nights sleep? I havent been sleeping to well lately. Mostly because of the fact that im in a wow classic guild that raids at 22:00 my time, and while its fun it leaves me little chance to sleep properly as I then usually watch a friend stream from 03:00 to about 07:00 meaning I would be sleeping mostly during the day and not good sleeping at that. So im sorry to everyone that has been worried about me but the fact is im finally feeling like myself again and somewhat positive, sure there are still issues that needs adressing (mmm dressing...) but I will take those in due time. Got an appointment with my psychiatric nurse tomorrow and hopefully Ill get to unload some of my issues and feel even betterer. But yeah with that all I wanna do is wish everyone a good day/morning/night and hope that everyone is safe and sound, and to everyone that needs it a big hug *huggles*.

its nice to feel well again ^w^

I really dont know. Our world just seems to get darker and darker, my oldest friends are abandoning me, nobody talks to me anymore, everything is going to hell. Some of my oldest friends are telling me to "fuck off" if I ever mention my mental health and the people they hang with want to see me dead because im within the LGBTQA+ family and because im not a right wing extremist. People have gotten sick of hearing me mention it when I dont feel good. They tell me "it gets better" but it never does. Im an outcast in my family. Im an outcast amongst my friends and im an outcast in the furry community. I might aswell tie that rope already and just end it. And I would because no one would miss me but im to much of a freaking pussy to do it. But everytime I get a little bit closer, maybe next time will be the time it happens. We all die sooner or later so why not make it sooner? Besides if I keep living im gonna have to watch people I know pass away. Ive heard that hanging is fairly painless if you do it right.

My life is a failed experiment. Im a freak and a failure.
Nobody will mourn me

"feel the rope round your neck, your hands are tied" - Hangman's Noose by Pat Razket.

So today July 22nd is my birthday and im turning 2.5 (25) today. I have a few plans today, im going out with my brother to a place called the sixth barrel tonight to drink mead and just relax and have fun. I've recieved my brothers old smartwatch as a birthday gift aswell as some money. But before all the fun today im going to meet with my mental health nurse to have a chat. So I hope you all will have a fantastic day today ^w^

So here we are back again in another journal where im going to be bitching and moaning about something that no one is absolutely interested in. So the feeling of un-importance is something that has been striking me recently the feeling that nobody really cares or even should care about what I do. So a couple of days ago I had an incident where I ended up hurting myself pretty badly while waiting for the PAM ambulance (pam being the psychiatric ambulance here) But problem is there is only one of them and the emergency number told me to call if things got worse and then hung up. So after about 5-10 minutes I called again and said that things were getting worse to which the response was "please only call this number for emergencies" to which I responded with a very kind "fuck you" because I was angry and lose a bit of blood making me woozy, their proffessional response was "Well you too" and then they hung up. And people wonder why I wanna die. So now im sitting here at 03:21 in the morning with several wounds that wont go away and will probably leave more ugly scars (to add to my collection) . And to make everything better I feel so incredibly distant from the babyfur/ab/dl community. Even when I get to meet fellow cubs im so freaking paranoid and awkward that no one wants to talk to me. I'm just about ready to give up.

and this has been yet another ramblings from a person that is under educated and stupid so please disregard anything that I've written I'm no one of importance.

So ive become pretty numb to life. I go trough everyday on autopilot. I get up, eat breakfast, go on the pc, get bored, go back to bed and sleep for the remaining 12-16hours of the day. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Not gaming nor writing or reading or even watching Tv. Literally all I wanna do is sleep or cry. And I dont know why. Everything just feels so hopeless at the moment. I dont know how to put my feelings into words so this is probably not going to be a very long journal like my other ones usually are. I just wake up everyday wishing that something will magically change but they never do.

When I was a kid I always had trouble deciding what I wanted to be when I grew up. One of the first things I ever said I wanted to do according to my mom is that I wanted to be the christmas television host here in Sweden. Now as I grew older I changed my views on career quiet a bit. For a while I wanted to be a police officer, a medic, radio dj, radio host and lastly a writer. This was the one thing I kinda burned for trough most of my teens. I would sit in school and work on stories while listening to my teachers talk. I would pour hours, days, weeks into crafting what I percieved as a good story. Now I used to start out by writing all of my stories in swedish and then translating them into english. That way it would be easier for me to get out the words and stories I wanted to tell. But as I grew even older I realised that I am infact a horrible writer. I keep switching between 3rd and 1st person, I dont describe the enviorment enough or I do it to much. And as the years went on my passion for writing was left in the dust. Now going trough some of my old stories that I've always wanted to finish im realising that there probably was never anything there to begin with. I seem to remember a vague quote from stephen king saying something along the lines of "an author that doesn't read is not a good author" and that about sums up my career in writing. I dont have the patience to read any books so therefor I will never improve as a writer.

anyway some of my works are published here on FA.
The rest can be found over here: https://www.fimfiction.net/user/548.....eBrony/stories

so if you want to read laughably bad stories then I am your guys.

So its pride month and that always means a bit of self-reflection on my part.I identified as straigth for a long time of my life (mostly because of denial) but in my teens I started to call myself bi-sexual with a preference for men. But I dont know if thats true or not. You see when it comes to things I dont really get aroused by either men or women, neither do I really go "oh thats a pretty woman" or "thats a pretty man". Sure I can get aroused but its mostly by objects and not people. Yet still I like to think of how it would be to date someone. To have a partner that you can hold and cuddle and just hang out with. I mean what is wrong with me shouldn't I know my own sexual orientation? what kind of weird person am I? argh I just want answers I just wanna know what i am!!!

anyway this is my late night ramblings for today.

As the title says I really need a vacation. And what I mean by that is that I really need to get out of my parents house even if its just for a weekend or something. Im not going to go into too great of detail as to why (see my other journals for that) but I can kinda tell you what was the straw that broke the camels back. So I was out at the grocery store the other day. I got a bit peeved because people looked at me like if I was an alien for wearing a bandana over my mouth and nose (I dont have a face mask) and my mother really felt embarrassed about me for taking precautions (yet at the same time she doesnt want me leaving the house due to the pandemic). Anyway when we were done we hopped in the car and I was about to put on my headphones to listen to music on the drive home when I heard on the radio about the fatal shooting of Rayshard Brooks who was shot by police. On the radio they said that he had ran from the police during a sobriety test (I dont know how much of that is true) but then it came. My mother felt the need to comment on the situation and kinda just went "Well dummy shouldn't have run from the police". And that just made me physically angry and mentally upset. My mother cared so little about a persons life that she thought it was reasonable to shoot him to death just because he was black and (maybe) ran from police? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK is wrong with my mother. And im not even gonna get started on my fathers views on the event.

All this negativity and hate that broods in my parents house is not good for my mental or physical health. I honestly avoid talking to them about anything of importance. I basically just go "yes" or "no" to everything they say. I have learned that my parents will never change. They both have a dislike for anyone who isnt white and swedish. I dont mean to go into it but some things my parents like to talk about is for example how "stupid" americans are. Meanwhile they are both of average education and not really smarter than anyone else. My dad cant even speak english for christs sake (yet he loves going to the US on vacation and then not being able to communicate). Id love to say that my brother is better than my parents because he doesn't generalise to much but yet he still utters phrases like "fucking immigrants" and the N word.

All of this is why I need a vacation I cant take this negativity and hate for much longer. It feels as if im going crazy.

Caution this jorunal contains subjects of: Suicide and depression and medical help if you are triggered by any of these subjects then I urge you to shut this journal down and go on with your day. Anyways thanks you in advance for reading this.

So this might seem like a cryptic journal title but I didn't wanna name it something else just to draw attention to it because what im going to talk about im not proud off. Friday the 12th of june 2020 at around 01:30 at night I was out walking,wandering...crying. I was on the phone with 112 (the swedish emergency number) I was so sick and tired of feeling numb and I knew that I needed help. So I called that forbidden number and the call went a little like this.

"112 whats your emergency"
"Im suicidal"
"And where are you"
"im in ****** outside of stockholm"
"what do you want us to do?"
"I dont know send the police or something....im scared"

The phone call went on as they directed police to find me and when they finally found me I was driven in to St:Görans psychiatrical hospital. Now im my experience the only way to get help there is if you arrive with police or ambulance. Anyway we arrived at about 02:30 and I had my possessions taken and locked inside a locker. I knew the routine so I went and sat down on the gurney in the hall. Meanwhile the police made a status report to the nurses working and after that they wished me luck and left. I sat around in the hall for about 30-40 minutes making small talk with a nurse asking them if they had re-painted recently (they had). Eventually I got shown into a room where I got to sit and wait another 15-20 minutes for the doctor to come. When the doctor came we talked for a little while and I told her that I was really not doing well. She asked me what kind of help I wanted and I told her I didn't know. She asked if I had tried medications before and I told her ive tried suprexa,lergigan,abilify,citalopram and more. I told her I'm currently on two anti-depressants and that I have emergency medication that I had taken but it had done nothing. So she said "well what do we do then?" I told her I had no idea and she told me "you look to be doing better so we're going to send you home" and that was that. I was told that if I had any issues to come back in. I asked them if I could get a sick journey home as I had no money and couldn't afford a taxi. They told me that they don't do that anymore. And they told me to call my parents and tell them to pick me up. So I did. I called my mother around 10-15 times and this was at about 04:20 in the morning. No response so I started to wonder if they were ignoring me. Because I had phoned my brother when I got into the hospital telling him to tell my mother that I was in hospital so that she would know. I tried my brothers phone...nothing. I had now been kicked out of the hospital and had no means of getting home. I couldn't even afford a subway ticket. So I did what my brain told me was rational I started to walk. I was now wandering around Stockholm at almost 05.00 in the morning. I was in good spirits for a while I went on my merry way whisteling to myself and trying to keep spirits up. After walking for a while I saw it. A highway bridge and my brain told me to walk the other way but I just kept on walking.

After about 10-15 minutes I stood up on that bridge cars roaring by looking down at the ground a good 20-25 meters down. Without even thinking about it I started to climb the railing. But something stopped me. I got back over on the right side of the railing again and just broke down. I started crying cussing myself out for being a coward. Before I knew it someone was calling out "hello". I looked around and saw ambulance personel standing a few meters away. After having slowly made their way over to me they convinced me to get into the ambulance and talk to them. They drove me back to St.Göran and left me there again. An hour later I was released again.

This is the closest I have ever come to death. Just one slip and it all could have been over. And the worst thing is no one would probably ever know what I had done.

This is that when I stood up on that bridge there was a flash of something. For a split second my brain screamed at me "remember all your friends" and "remember what she said" that latter is probably what saved my life. Now im not going to go into detail on what that last one means im just gonna say that someone said something very meaningful to me recently and I don't think I can ever thank that person enough. That one comment was literally the difference between life and death.

Anyway I would like to say that im back home and back to normal but that isn't the truth. I can't stop thinking about it. But I have decided on one thing. I WANT to live no matter what my brain screams at me sometimes. And I will fight to carry on until my time comes. It will get harder but it will also get easier. And I dont wanna be another statistic.

Anyway lastly I want to say Thank you. To everyone on this site and on twitter that has made my days brighter wether it is with comissioned art or just by
talking to me. You all are proof that we can make a difference in the world.

So thank you for saving my life.

"Im to depressed to go on, you'll be sorry when im gone" that part of Adam's song by blink-182 has been stuck in my head for a few days now.

I'm sure everyone is sick and tired of me moaning and whining. But I do this mostly because it feels good to let it all out even if no one wants to hear it. I had a really horrible experience with the psychiatric emergency room yesterday. I had a pretty severe depressive episode where I honest to god didnt wanna live anymore. So I decided to go to the emrgency room to get help. When I got there, there was about 7 people in the waiting room, 2 couples (a couple and a mother and son) and then 2 women and an elder gentleman. After handing in my id and waiting to answer some initial questions i keept cathing this 17-ish year old kid staring at me. Now im used to people staring when I go out in goth clothes but this time I got pissed off for some reason. I honestly wanted to tell him to fuck off, I didnt want people staring at me (and laughing) when I was in such a vulnerable head state. Anyway after about 30min I got to meet a nurse and answer some initial questions (why are you seeking care etc etc) she then told me there would be a bit of a wait time because they had alot of patients that night. As I sat in the waiting room a man came in seeking help. I didnt think much about it to begin with but he kept pacing around and couldnt sit still for longer periods of time. Eventually he went into the bathroom and threw up several times. He talked to the staff several times telling them he didnt feel to good and that he needed help. Their response was "maybe you should go to another emergency room" which I felt was quite rude to say to someone. He then said out loud in the waiting room "I should have just jumped you get no help here". That didnt make me feel any better it only made me feel worse, like I would never get any help. Eventually after almost collapsing on the floor they let him in to get help. I had been in the waiting room for almost 3 hours at that time. After another patient left because of frustration and older lady came in. She hadnt slept in days and was in very bad shape, she asked the couple how long they had been there "since 8:30" they said...it was now 04:00 in the morning. They had been in the waiting room for almost 8 hours. I was there for a total off 4h 30min. At about 04:45 in the morning I knocked on the door to the reception and told them "im going home" to which their response was basically "okay good luck". What the actual fuck. I have never been treated so poorly by a medical proffessional before. Ofcourse I had lied and told my mother I felt better so I could go back home and sleep. In truth I didnt feel any better I was still as depressed and suicidal as I was when we came in.

All I wanna say is that this is not okay. You shouldn't have to wait 8+ hours to get psychological help.

anyways I feel better today. Still a bit melancholic about my upcoming birthday in a month and 10 days. Mostly because of a stupid promise I made myself when I was 10 years old. I promised myself that I would give myself to the age of 25 to get my shit sorted and to move out of my parents house or id end it. Now its a bit over a month left and im no where close to having my shit sorted or moving out of here. But im not gonna get into why I dont wanna live with my parents (I have a whole journal about that and also we'll be here all year if I have to summ it up again).

anyway to end it the way I opend it with a quote.

"I couldn't wait to get home to pass the time in my room alone" - Blink-182

As the title says I need to move out of my parents house. I cant stand living with them any longer. My mother naggs me 24/7 about everything im doing wrong. She decides how I get to dress and when I can go out and where I can go. If I want to go meet some friends she wants to know exactly who im meeting, how long i've known them, exactly when im coming back and where im going to be. She wants to vett all my friends and then she talks shit about them behind their backs. A great example is one of my friends who has happend to be in a car accident (which wasn't his fault) and when she found out about that she goes "I dont want you riding in his car, He shouldnt have a drivers license, He probably drives like a maniac".

My dad on the other hand doesn't care what we do. He has no interest in our lives and only works on his car or hangs around with his mates helping them with their cars or other things they need done. He spends about a grand total of 4-5 hours at home (and that is when he is sleeping). When he is home he spends most of his time on his computer (mostly with a gin and tonic in his hands).

The worst time off day is dinner time. I always leave dinner physically upset and angry. Why? well because they always wanna talk politics. And we are nothing alike when it comes to politics, My parents are as far right as you can get. And I mean extremely right. My dad likes to talk about those "F***ing immigrants" and "sandstompers" and frequently uses the N word. He has even been to the point where he has said he should have kept a gun (he found in our neightbours garage) so he could shoot some immigrants. And it doesn't matter what I tell them. I tell them dont use those words, Dont generalize about everyone, try to be kind to people. All I get is abuse and shit for that.

Is it bad that ive honestly had dreams about killing my parents? because they are just horrible people. And that is even though I like my mom and I tolerate my dad.

what am I even supposed to do. This household is so dysfunctional that its no wonder I wanna kill myself alot of the time.

So ive been doing alot of thinking lately and I really need to get myself a job. I need something to occupy my brain for a while and videogames just arent cutting it anymore. I play videogames for like 10min and then I get bored and lose my focus. I also need a job because I cant live on what im getting payed for in sick pension. Im gonna be transparent I get 7300Sek a month (thats about 730$/month) problem is 2000Sek goes to rent, then 1000sek for my computer im paying off and then 557Sek for my phone bill. That leaves me with about 3743Sek a month and thats not counting all the online things I pay for like Amazon Prime, Netflix, Spotify, and World of Warcraft. So I have closer to 3000Sek to live off every month. And you'd thing that would be plenty but it just isn't. Im very bad at economics and sure I have a tendency to buy stupid shit I dont really need like diapers,soda and nacho chips and other food items. But the thing is I wanna be able to give to charity, buy art from my friends and still have money left to save for other things like conventions and such things.

The bigest problem is that I have a useless education that doesn't apply to any work field in the real world. And my personality disorder makes it very hard for me to actually work with other people. But im making steps forward. And to make it worse I didnt really give a shit in highschool so some of my grades (like math and p.e) arent even valid grades (or in other words I failed those courses). So trying to get into an education is really difficult because of my low grades. So theres like a catch-22 where I need an education to get a job but I cant get an education because of my highschool grades and I cant get job training either.

Anyway thats enough bitching and moaning from me.

tl:dr I need a job so I have more income

So I am officially freaking out right now. I just woke up about 30 min ago and as I was about to go down and eat breakfast I hear that my dad has been going trough our trash and in it he found one of my diapers... Now my dad don't know about my little side (my mom and brother does) but I always felt that keeping it a secret from my dad would be a good idea as me might just dis-own me if he found out. So im really freaking out right now and I dont know what to do. Do i confess? do I pretend like I know nothing? This is gonna end badly I know it.

Hey so I've been looking for someone to make a crew emblem for my gta 5 crew (its just me in it) I would ofcourse pay for it to be done so is there anyone that maybe wanna give it a try? shoot me a note or comment here and ill give you the details and we can talk price.

hello anyone that reads this (hope your doing well). So I felt like I should post a bit of an update about whats going on in my life lately. So let me start out with the positive. It's christmas soon which is always exciting. I love christmas personally. I love snow and the darker times outside. It just feels alot more tranquil and nice. Also its my brothers birthday on Saturday and my mothers next tuesday. On friday im going to see a nurse I meet every other month to talk about my mental health. It's been ups and downs lately to be honest.

Now for some of the less good things thats happend. I had a huge argument with one of my best friends. It ended up with me in the psychiatric emergency room (nothing to serious I was let go the same night because I was feeling better). However he has now blocked my phone number, removed me from battle.net and removed and blocked me on facebook. All of this has been taking its toll on me. So my mental health has been all over the place lately.

On the 17th im going to see my mental health doctor and im going to ask him if he can give me a referral to get some weight loss surgery. I really need it I currently weight 120kg and I can barely stand looking at myself in the mirror. Hopefully I get the referral and get this sorted in a few months.

I'ts also getting closer to Nordicfuzzcon which is always nice cant wait to get there and have some fun in the new year.


Anyway I think thats about it for now. Hope you all have a great christmas and a happy new year :)

It's my birthday today (the 22nd of july) Im turning this old *holds up 4 fingers* (actually im turning 24 but 4 is a much more fun age)

So im going to write this journal to get some of my thoughts out there. And im gonna be honest this is quiet difficult for me to talk about.

Alright so here we go. Last wednesday (may 29th) I was out with my brother and two friends to go see Brightburn in the cinema. It was going to be awesome because I don't see my friend that often (he is a truck driver and works alot). So I was super excited for this all day long. At about 20.00 we set out for the cinema in a mall called Mall of Scandinavia. We got there at 21.00 which was 15 minutes before they let people in to the salon. So we bought our things and waited and then we went in to the salon. We were the first in so everything was quiet and nice and we did some small chatting while waiting for the trailers and commercials to begin. As the commercial neared their end 4 guys walked into the cinema and were very loud vocally. I tried to ignore it and focused on watching the movie instead. Finally the movie began and everyone quieted down. About 15 minutes into the movie the guy behind me started kicking my chair. I tried to ignore it but he continued so I turned around and asked him if he could stop kicking the chair. I was answered with a "fuck you". This made me pissed off but I tried to ignore it. He continued to kick my chair and after about 5 more minutes I turned around and told him to stop kicking this time a bit more decisively. He answered with a "fuck you" at this point his friends joined in with "fuck you" and "ill fuck your mom". That made me very angry and I told them in a very angry tone to shut up. At this point one of the guys went of and yelled "meet me outside and ill fuck you up". At this point I had had enough. I turned back to watch the movie and they kept shouting at me. And without even realising it one of them threw his popcorn at me. I turned around and one of the guys tried to punch me. And at this point it all spiraled out of control. They ended up throwing their sodas at me and punching me in the face. I managed to get one of them in a choke hold. This scared them enough that they took off out of the salon and ran. I called the police and my brother got the security and movie hosts. I was moved to a office room while I called the cops. The security had seen the guys run away but didn't think about it so they disappeared into the night. My parents came and picked me up and drove me to the hospital. I had a swollen lip and some tendon damage to my left arm. So they decided I would have to spend 2 weeks in a cast.

Now here is the thing the physical pain has subsided and I can use my left arm pretty well even in a cast. But the thing that hasn't gone away is the mental pain. We got out tickets returned (except for my friend cuz he stayed and watched the rest of the movie). But the thing is im honestly scared to go out to the cinema again. I don't wanna get assaulted again. And I know the chances of that happening are slim to none and I know that but im still scared. Im honestly scared that I'll run into those guys again. And it doesn't help that the police investigation was shut down due to lack of evidence (even though they were caught on camera)

So this is where I stand to scared to go to the cinema again and constantly worried that I'll get assaulted again.

So as some of you might remember last august I broke my arm after having almost been run over by a taxi. So I not only broke my arm but I smashed 2 front teeth and had to go to a dentist to get that fixed. So the dentist bill ended up at 20.000Sek.I also had to make a trip to and from the hospital a couple of times once for a surgery to fix my arm. So I have payed out an incredible amount of money for all of this. And thank god I have insurance right... Well here's the thing I do have Insurance. And a couple of days ago I sent in a report to my insurance company requesting to be payed for what I had to pay for hospital and dentist bills. So today I got the answer from the insurance company. They are refusing to pay out anything due to the fact that they don't think that it was an un-identified vehicle that hit me. And they told me to phone up the taxi service that sent the taxi and they will give me his registration number and his insurance will cover it. Now heres the problem. I didn't order the taxi. It was ordered by the Swedish emergency services phone line. And when I went to make a police report they closed it down due to the emergency services not wanting to disclose what taxi company they sent. So now im sitting here up shit creek with no paddle. And I honestly don't know what to do next. Im going to call my insurance and dispute their decision but they likely wont change their minds. So here I am 20.000+ Sek out of pocket from my family and not a clue what to do.

In about a month I will be turning 23. Strange thing is I don't really feel like 23. I still live with my parents and my brother and honestly it doesn't feel any different then when I was a teenager. I still do pretty much the same things as when I was a teenager. Playing videogames listening to music and very rarely hanging with friends. Thats the only difference that me and my friends have less time to hang out due to them having jobs. Growing older have also dredged up some old memories. For example when I was younger I made a promise to myself that I would take my life if I reached 25 and still lived at home. Well 25 is just 2 years away and I don't see my situation improving any over the next 2 year. Although this is a promise from when I was about 12 and I dont think I will be keeping that promise.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago I had an episode of severe anxiety and depression and decided to go to hospital to get some help at the time. This time I tried going to another hospital in Uppsala instead of in Stockholm. The staff was a lot nicer and the place didn't feel like a prison. However I just got some emergency anxiety meds and then I went home. And now a couple of weeks later I got a bill from the hospital off 420 Sek (about 40$). This was unexpected as I usually only get a bill from the hospital if they had to arrange for transportation for me. From what I understood Uppsala belongs to another county than where I live and therefore I had to pay more. The bissare thing though is that I live in a county between Stockholm and Uppsala which means that I should be allowed to choose where I go to get medical help.

Anyway today was midsommardagen (midsummers day) and that is a celebrated holiday in Sweden so today was spent at home playing games and eating some good food. Other than that I haven't really done alot this summer. Most of my friends when I ask if they wanna hang out they are either haning out with family or streaming on twitch.tv. To the point that I haven't meet my friends in a couple of weeks now.

I was also away last weekend and visited my biological mother. She was doing okay out where she lives and we had a good time talking with eachother her me and my brother.

Anyway anyway. Thats about it for me so hope you've had a good day/night and I'm gonna try to be better at updating my journals more often.

So this last week was NFC. And I attended it from tuesday until sunday (closing day). I can easily say that I had alot of fun even though a thing happend. Thursday and Friday I worked at the maid café which was alot of fun. I got to serve alot of nice people and I got to wear a skirt and shirt combo. I also wore a skirt sometimes when I wasnt working. Ofcourse I was padded as much as I could.

As for events the cubfur meet and greet was fun. And I also attended the charity meet and greet. I also went to some other panels aswell as the disco and a room party.
Sadly the big penthouse party I couldn't attend as I was invited to visit a friend and do some drinking with him.

as for some things on the downside is that I wish I had been a bit more socially open in groupes than I was. Being in a groupe is still a bit of a struggle for me. Other than that I wish I had gotten a chance to talk more to  ReXam-1

Hey so I currently have over 73 (games and expansions and exclusive content) that I have codes for that I don't want. So I was thinking about doing a bit of a giveaway. In the comments down below enter a number and I will give you a game corresponding to that number, (note 45,64 & 3 are taken)

So the begining of a new year has come. And with a new year often comes promises of better eating and healthier living. Not for me though. I have come to realise that im far to much of a lazy slob to ever do something about my weight. All I do is sit a dream back to the days of my youth when I was so skinny that people were concerned for me. Those were good days. Im currently at a weight of 119 kg which is the heaviest I have ever been and due to my medical issues my weight just seems to be going up and up and never down. So with that out of the way what does the new year bring for me? Well in a few weeks NFC happens so that is always a plus after that I don't know what I'll do really. I however can bet that most of my year will be spent in isolation and sadnes as per usual. I do however hope that im wrong about that. This years NFC will be rather lonely I have to imagine though. No one I really know is going so ill be going by myself and staying with some other babyfurs. Most of the time will probably be spent in the bar alone drinking by myself. However who knows what will happen I might actually enjoy myself.

Anyway thats all the ramblings I have for now so I hope everyone had a good christmas and a good new year.

So this last wednesday I went to a mental ward again. I was having severe invasive thoughts and felt just like shit. So I went out for a smoke and decided to call the emergency number for the psychiatric hospital. After having talked to them for a bit they said they couldn't help me and gave me the number to the mobile emergency unit. I tried to call that number but got a message saying the number was disconnected. So I went on the internet to look for another number to them. Turns out they shut down the lines at 22.00 and this was at 3 in the morning. Feeling helpless and not knowing where to turn I called the non emergency number to the police and talked to an operator that dispatched a patrol to come and meet with me. After having talked to them for a while going into St:Göran's mental ward was the clear option and so we went. I ended up spending the night there and in the morning I was feeling alot better and got to talk to a doctor. Now im waiting for the 25th when my doctor is going to call me and then I will ask her to resume my psychologist contact after having declined that help for a couple of months now.

But now I feel alot better again and I feel relaxed and well.

So last night I was doing pretty okay I was feeling a bit sick and tired but that went away pretty quickly. At around 1 in the morning I suddenly start to feel like shit again and I feel really depressed about everything. So I went out for a walk in the rain to smoke and suddenly just popping into my head my brain goes "you should totally go kill yourself" which caught me off guard and made me feel even more uneasy. After having wandered for a bit with my thoughts just getting stronger and stronger I decided to call the police on myself as I was starting to fear for my own safety. The operator was really nice and talked to me while they dispatched a patrol to my neighbourhood to talk to me. When they arrived we sat down in the police car and talked alittle about what I could do. Eventually we decided that they would drive me into St:Görans mental ward. After having a brief chat with my mother off we went. When we got there I was met by a really kind and lovely nurse that helped me to see a doctor. The doctor and I decided that I would spend the night to be on the safe side of things and so I did. And during the morning I got to see another doctor and talk alittle about my crossdressing habit and my ab/dl side. He was really kind and understanding and we then came to the conclusion that I was okay to go home again.


Now all this happend in the space of about 10 hours. What really scares me is how the thoughts came literally from nowhere. There was nothing that triggered them that evening and they just appeared.

Anyway I feel much better now after having gotten some rest and some medication ^-^