So the truth is finally out. Im a fan of the idea of crossdressing. I have never done it in my life except for once trying on a skirt and a t-shirt and now I really wanna crossdress for NFC next year. But im having such a hard time finding any good combinations of clothes. I want it to be cute but I really can't seem to find any cute combinations of clothes so now I need your help FA. If you can think of any cute combinations of clothes please feel free to inform me about them. Colors don't really matter that much but id prefer it to include purple or maybe some pink. So please help me out here.

Thats all for this journal thanks for reading :)

So I guess here I am with another life update journal. And I apologise in advance because this will probably mostly be rambeling. Anyway my life is currently pretty okay I have to say. I haven't had any major depressive episodes recently and im feeling fine. Im still working at EL-Del disassembeling junk and machines. Last friday I was in stockholm and saw Ghost Bc live. It was an amazing show and it rocked alot. Ghost bc happend to be one of the "must see" bands so im happy that I finally got the chance to see them live. Even though I was involved in a minor altercation with a few douchebags the evening was mostly fine. My brother tagged along but he didn't wanna be in the middle of the crowd so he went off to the side and watched the show from the back. Meanwhile I was in the middle of the crowd and had a great view of the band. So that is what I did last friday. As for the future on sunday im going to see Game Grumps and Jacksepticeye live in stockholm. And after that a bit later in the month im going to my half-brothers 30th birthday party. I also managed to get a spot in a 6 person room for NFC next year so hopefully that will be fun. Also its october now which is my favorite month. I always celebrate halloween all month long so that is also a plus. Hopefully I'll be going to a party this year so I'll have a reason to dress up.

And that is pretty much all of what is going on in my life at the current moment. I hope everyone has a great month ahead of them and good days to come.

I've been giving this some thought for a while now and im no closer to making a decision yet. What I am talking about is just leaving the furry community and ab/dl community in whole. Ever since the "incident" happend I have felt myself very much left out and ignored. And yes I probably deserve everything that has happend to me 100%. Anyway I have just lost the will to even try to make new friends as nothing will replace the ones ive lost. It feels like the best thing I could do is pack up my diapers and baby stuff and just throw it out and just go back to pretending to be "vanilla" again and not have any kinks. Sure before I found the furry community I was depressed and on the verge of suicide every other night. And sure the furry community made me feel accepted and made me feel like my life was worth living but I no longer feel accepted. I just feel ignored and tossed aside. I don't even feel like going to NFC anymore because I would just be attending it alone. And I would be that weird guy that just sits in the bar trying to get black out drunk hoping to forget everything and possibly die from alcohol poisoning. Anyway I have yet to make a decision but leaving this community behind would mean deleting my twitter and fa and then throwing out all my art I have gotten aswell as my diapers,my onesie my pacifiers and all of my plushies and such. I wouldnt want anything that remind me of my involvment in the furry and abdl community. I have tried to remind myself of positive reasons to continue but I have yet to find any. Although I have yet to make a deision one option seems more likely than the other. Thank you for reading.

I am going to try and keep this short. Some things have happend recently that has made me feel sick to my stomach and even sicker inside my head. I thought I had become a more stable human being but it turns out I am still not quiet there yet. Therefore I will be gone from FA for a longer while. I wish you all good luck in the future and happy days to come.

Goodbye

It's been a while so here comes a short little life update. I am currently hospitalised at St:Görans psychiatric ward and here I will remain for a while until my mood becomes more stable and manageble. It's pretty nice here, The staff is friendly and the other patients are friendly enough. I also got a call from a program called IPS which manages things to do for unemployed people. So they helped me get a place in a company called EL-Del a company that dis-assemble machinery and computers. So I will be working for them for a while. It will help me have less free time which means I'll hopefully be more stable in my mood by giving me things to do. Anyway I start that on thursday and until then I'm gonna be here at the psychiatric ward hopefully working on getting better. I also wanna thank everyone on twitter for your nice well-wishes and encouraging words. I hope you all have a great day/night.

So I guess ive been quiet for a while. Havent really been talking on here or on twitter or telegram or anywhere else really. I guess I just havent had much to say so here comes a bit of a life update from me. Not really alot of major stuff. Ive managed to turn my sleep schedual upside down. Im sleeping during the day and im awake at night. Guess it doesnt really matter tho ive always been more of a night person. I feel like I get more stuff done during the night. I've also got an appointment with a LSS agent. LSS being a governemnt branch that help people with mental or physical issues become more independant by getting appartments and other such help. So yeah 23rd im meeting with one to see if they can help me. So if the meeting goes well I might get an appartment to myself. But even if the meeting goes well it can take several months or even up to a year or more to get a place to live. Other than that my money I get from the state was denied this month so im living off of 3 dollars in my bank account. Thankfully my parents havent thrown me out yet. I also had a doctors appointment a week or two ago. It was pretty interesting as they seem to think that im getting better. I dunno if I can see the same improvments that they can see but I know that im doing better than I did a year or two ago.

And that is pretty much how my life is at the moment. It's not changed alot but id say its changed a bit for the better.

I am currently writing this journal at 03.44 in the morning after a lovely chat to the local police after they came knocking on my door (the door to my room even). They were really lovely and asked me about everything that had happend and I talked it all over with them and explained everything. After having offered to drive me to St: Görans (A mental ward in stockholm) I politely declined and they went down and talked to my mother (who was somewhat shocked). The alcohol has dissappeared from my system and I am once again clear of thought as I write this.

I am sorry for everyone I made worried with my last journal or even the people I didnt worry. I am sorry for having posted something so immature as a threat about taking my life just due to some slight struggling in my life. I know that life isn't easy and what you want don't come easy and im usually alot more mature than I was last night. I just wanna inform everyone that I am doing fine and I have realised what I did wrong. I hurt people that I never meant to hurt and therefor I am deeply sorry. And I wanna thank everyone for everything that was said that made me think deeper about myself and who I am and what my actions can do.

I am not going to give up that easily on life. Life is worth living to the fullest I should know that especially since my little sister didn't get the chance to do so.

So once again I am deeply sorry everyone and I hope that I can be forgiven for my immature ways.

I realised I never really made a post about my highlights from NordicFuzzCon. So I'm just gonna list some things here in a short little post.

1. Getting to hang with  Yookey  ReXam-1 and  BabyStar
2. The Babyfur party in the hotel suite.
3. The Cubfur Scribbles
4. The fursuit parade

Anyway those are just some of the amazing things I can think of at the moment. It was a really amazing convention and im so sad that it is over.
The thing im gonna miss most is probably hanging with  Yookey and  ReXam-1 I've only actually met them IRL a few times but they are just so much fun to hang around with.

Anyway I think that is about it for this journal. Have a great day everyone ^_^

I stole this from  tfbaxxter

Where are you staying?
Im staying at my home as its 20 minutes away from the convention

Means of transportation?
I'll probably be travelling back and forth by car

Sharing a room with:
no one as Im staying at my own place

Gender:
Male

Relationship status:
Single

How old are you?
21

How tall are you?
182cm

What languages do you speak?
Swedish and English. Can understand danish and norwegian somewhat but not to well

Have you been to any other furry conventions before?
Yes NFC 2016

Have you been to Sweden before?
I do believe so since I live here :P

Are you doing anything for the convention?
Nope

What are you bringing to the convention?
Probably just things I'll need from day to day. And maybe a plushie

Do you have a fursuit?
Sadly no

Who will you be with?
I will mostly probably hanging with  RexAm-1 and  Yookey

Are you selling anything at the convention?
Nope

Do you do free art?
Sure but I can't draw

Do you do trades?
Sure but then again I can't draw to save my life

Do you do commissions?
My art is not worth commissioning so no

Can I talk to you?
Absolutely

Can I buy you lots of drinks?
You should probably save your money

Do you smoke?
When I am stressed I do

Can I give you lots of money?
Id rather people don't do that

Can I hug or snuggle you?
Ofcourse ^_^

Are you nice?
I like to think im a pretty nice person. Although I'm a bit shy and introverted.

Can I buy you food and/or eat with you?
Sure people can eat with me if they want to

Can I give you presents?
Id recommend not but if you want to sure

Can I hang with you in your room?
I wont be having a room at the con so probably not

Can I dance with you?
Good luck trying to get me to dance

Can I invite you to parties?
Sure

How can I get your attention?
The best way to get my attention is probably to call me by name or just start talking to me

What are you most looking forward to?
Having fun with friends

What are you supposed to do when you wake up everyday feeling like life is shit and not really worth living. I wish I knew the answer but I dont. That has been my reality for the last 3 years. Waking up feeling like shit, being a nervous wrek of a person. Doing the absolute same thing everyday. Wake up and sit at the computer. If it makes me feel so much like shit why would I do it im sure most people would say. Mostly because I dont have friends anymore. Everyone I knew and hung out with IRL has abandoned me. The only of my IRL friends that remain is my own freaking brother. My brother and my parents are pretty much the only people I speak to. Other than 1 person online and my doctors every now and then. And people always tell me "life gets better if you give it time" or "you have to take your life into your own hands" I've tried. I've been patient but life just got worse. I tried taking my life in my own hands but everything turned to shit.

With everyday that passes existing really just starts to mean less and less to me. What is even the point when all the time you feel miserable and almost constant pain both mentally and physically

Im not doing so well at the moment if im gonna be honest. Im tired as hell aswell as sick,sad and alone
My parents are home ofcourse but my grandmom and her husband is also down visiting for chirstmas.
When any of them talk to me I almost all the time become angry or I get really bad anxiety. My medication doesn't seem to be really doing anything at the moment to lower my depression and anxiety.
I was even at the doctors at the 20th december and got some medical paperwork and test results from the investigation they have been doing. They ruled out ADD/ADHD and Asbergers syndrom. The only things they came to a conclusion about was several different mental development disorders aswell as personality disorders and the fact that I apparently am suffering from a passive aggressive disorder.
None of that is really helping me to understand whats wrong with me and what I can do about it.
I have also started to drink alcohol alot more when I feel sad or alone. Especially during nights when I can't sleep.
I honestly just dont know what to do. I feel so isolated all the time. My bestfriend have stopped speaking to me and none of my other friends keep in contact with me anymore. There is pretty much only one person that I speak to pretty often that isn't part of my family.

Ugh I can barely take it anymore. I almost just feel like giving up and accepting the fact that this is what my life is gonna be like for the rest of my existance. Sad,lonely,pathetic and isolated.

I usually dont get involved into politics as I am nearly not educated enough to speak on the subject with any type of authority. Especially when it comes to american politics. But if there is one thing I do care about is this case that I've been following since back in 2010 sometime. The case I am talking about is the incarceration of Chelsea Manning a US soldier that was incarcerated for leaking confidential information to Wikileaks. Now I am no fan of Julian Assange quite the oposite I have no love for that man at all. Chelsea Manning sent information to wikileaks and after she was incarcerated Assange or Wikileaks has done nothing to help her. Now a petition has been started to reduce her sentence to time served. Now she has been in solitary confinment due to attempted suicide and she has now attempted suicide a second time.

Now I can't get the whole story into this journal easily as I am not the best writer so if you wanna know more about Chelsea Manning and her story you can find more information here.

https://www.chelseamanning.org/

And if you wanna sign the petition to reduce her sentence to time served you can find it here.

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov//p.....-time-served-1

Please do consider signing the petition no matter what your views on leaking information is. Thank you and have a great day

So last night I was having a pretty rough time and im not proud of it but I ended up drinking quiet abit. To say the least it was very noticable on me that I wasn't doing very well and I ended up talking about it with some people about it. After a while I was starting to feel suicidal again and that is not unusual for me to feel that way. But as I was preparing to put the night behind me and go to bed. Because I know that sleep always makes me feel better the next day and I forget about my dark thoughts. But just before I was going to bed my phone rang. Apparently someone had called the cops tipping them off that I was feeling suicidal. So after a while of trying to explain I was okay they told me that they had sent a squad car anyway to check up on me. I really didnt want my mom to get involved because that would just add a mountain of stress onto me. So I tried sneaking out of the house and ofcourse my mom woke up thinking there was a break in. After I calmed her down I told her I was just going out for a smoke. This was at around 4/5 in the morning. So I went out and walked over to a nearby park where I live and met the squad car there. They really just performed a routine check to see that I was doing okay. After chatting to them for a while they offered to drive me into St:Göran which is a nearby mental ward. As I spent a day at it last year I had promised myself that I was never going back there. So i declined the offer. After that they took off and I got to go back home and sleep.

After all of that I just have to get out there that I am okay. I still get days where my anti-depressants dont work and I go into a downward spiral but I often manage to get out of it rather quickly. Im not gonna go into greater detail what got me down this month other than that it has to do with money and other issues.

And also thanks to everyone that was there for me last night. I dont know what I would do without you guys.


Also for those curious enough. This is a picture of the room I was booked into at St:Göran (the mental ward) last year.
https://www.dropbox.com/home?previe.....902_142054.jpg

Wohoo I found my Pacifier again so now I dont have to worry anymore about my parents finding it ^-^

So my one and only pacifier has gone missing. I used to keep it in my computer bag that hangs on my closet. But tonight when I went looking for it feeling that I deserved some little time I couldn't find it. I looked everywhere. My bedside drawer, My pockets on my hoodies and bathrobe aswell as my backpack where I keep a few little space related things. Usually this would not be such a big deal cuz hey it's just a pacifier. But the thing that is making me nervous is if its still in my house and someone finds it before me. How will I explain it if my mom or dad finds it? This is making me way more nervous than it should. Hopefully I will find it.

Im okay people there is no need to worry. I just had a pretty bad episode of my depression.

Someone just kill me already. I dont wanna live anymore

So Nordicfuzzcon opened for registration today so I had to quickly get my registration done. I only got a Standard ticket aswell as the Skansen extra thing. It ended up costing me 1050Sek leaving me with 150Sek left to live on for the coming 3 weeks[1050Sek is about 150 dollars, And 150Sek is about 15 dollars].

But my bills are all paid so it should be okay. Really looking forward to NFC again ^-^

Im streaming live right now over on twitch.tv/dolk1

So yeah i've decided that I really need to start to stream more often. So im gonna try to stream a couple times a week for who knows how long. Anyway what I need is suggestions on games that you guys wanna see me stream. Leave any suggestions in the comments and I will add them to my list. Pretty much any game goes but im gonna start out trying to stream some old like Nes-PS1 era games but if you wanna leave suggestions the games doesn't have to be from that era.


Games
GTA V
Overwatch
Hearthstone
World of Warcraft

Gonna be streaming some King's Quest and maybe some other games I just got over at https://www.twitch.tv/dolk1 in about 10-15 minutes [however long it takes for me to install kings quest :P ]

Today during dinner time I was sitting at the table with my brother and my mom and we started to do some small talk which is unusual for us during dinner (As no one talks at the dinner table when my dad is around). So we started out just small talking and then we started to talk about more intellectual things like our opinions on death penalty and jail and such. Now my brother and my mom aren't the smartest people on earth but they are far away from stupid. They managed to keep up a conversation with me about it for 10+ minutes before my brother left the table and I was done and wanted to get back to my PC. So why am i mentioning this? It kinda reminded me about how much I miss discussing things with people and sometimes even debating. I havent had a real discussion or debate since I graduated school 2 years ago and I kinda miss it. During these last 2 years I have been very much living in isolation. Almost never go out unless its a doctors appointment or I have to go shopping. I dont hang out with friends anymore because all of them either work or have moved away. So this discussion I had today kinda reminded me that I do miss talking to people even though I am an introvert. My mom always tells me that when I was young they couldn't get me to shut up and now adays I can go days without saying anything to her or other people.

Well I think that is about all I wanted to say in this journal...I think? Im very easily scatter brained both in real life and online. I used to not be but I guess its something that comes with age.

So im posting this one last time and if no one is interested now I'll probably just cancel the project or ill figure out another way to do it.

For more details: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7741191/

So since it seems that alot of people missed my last post about this im just gonna go ahead and post another journal about it. So as a few people might know I have a youtube channel that ive worked on for a couple of years now. And I decided I wanted to try something new and do a audiobook/audiodrama from the book Five Night's At Freddy's : Silver eyes. Now the reason as to why im looking for people to help with this project is that id want to make an audidrama out of it. Sorta like the old ones you could hear on the radio where you take a book and you have different people act as different characters and then you have a narrator reading the non character parts. I thought that this would be an interesting thing to try and I cant do it alone therefore I am asking for help from all of you on here. If the project lacks interest however I might just end up reading it on my own as a normal audiobook.

If you are interested please leave a comment down below. if enough people are interested in helping I will post more detailed information with things such as characters and such.

Hey so another little journal im posting right now regarding an idea I got while I was sitting around doing nothing. So as some might know I used to be an avid youtube content creator but havent made any new content in a little while. The last video I did was on a game called Depression Quest. Which was more of a interactive book than an actual video game. So that got me to thinking and I came up with the idea of doing a audiobook/radio drama for a novel called Five Night at Freddy's : Silver Eyes. The novel is based on the Five Nights at Freddy's games made by scott cawthon. Now this is easily a project I could probably do alone by just sitting and reading the book. But I wanted to try and do something more interesting. I decided to try and do a radio drama off the book. In other words an Audiobook that uses voice actors to voice the different characters while having a narrator aswell. And now my questions is. Would anyone of you that follow me be interested in this? and if so the next step would be if anyone would be willing to help me with this project by doing a small bit of voice acting. Since the characters first appeared in the book they dont really have any defined voices so the only things I would need would be some different male and female voices.

Let me know what you all think of this good idea? bad idea? let me know by dropping a comment as a reply to this thread.