And it seems like im doomed to repeat every mistake I have ever made. I feel like a worthless piece of crap today. Yesterday evening I had a huge argument with 2 of my best friends over a stupid game. Ofcourse it began with me poking fun at one of my friends during a dungeon run in world of warcraft. I kept doing stuff I wasn't supposed to and my friend told me to stop it and I decided to answer with "stop being a little bitch" now that in itself is nothing unusual he and I have known eachother for a long time and we often joke argue with eachother or call each other names. The issue began when someone started to defend my friend cuz he didn't know that he and I knew eachother IRL. So this guy started attacking me verbally and I decided that I was in no mood to take any crap from a person I hadn't known for more than a day. And so it spiraled down into an argument between this guy and me. All of a sudden my other best friend decided to intervene to try and put a stop to it. But he didn't exactly do it in the best way he started by telling me to "Shut the F**k up and stop being a F***ing twat" and this was a mistake since I was in a pretty bad mood at the time. It ended up with a majority of people in my guild in world of warcraft turning against me and verbally abusing me and insulting me as my "best friends" just watched and let it happen. Now I'm not saying I was a saint but in the end I decided to leave the game. I quickly got kicked/banned from our Teamspeak channel by my "friends" and they started to ignore me. So I did the only thing I know how to do. I ended up drinking and listening to music while pondering why im such a fuck up. And ofcourse in my intoxicated state I decided that it was a good idea to text one of my friends basically telling them to go "F**k themselves and never speak to me again". For a while I had a re-lapse and was considering hurting myself or even suicide but I ended up just crying at my desk wishing I was dead instead.

So in the end I went to bed with a huge headache and feeling like the stupidest person on planet earth. I had just lost my two last friends and I wanted to do nothing else but just beg them to forgive me but I didn't have the courage to talk to them after the things I said. So that leads me to today. I still can't get the courage to talk to them as I'm sure I have royally screwd up my last friendships and that they never want to hear from me again. So I don't know what to do. My anxiety and depression is going through the roof and I feel like doing nothing else but going back to bed and hope that this was all a bad dream.

And I keep asking myself why do I always do the same mistake? Why must I be so god damn proud all of a sudden? why can't I just do like I did before and anytime somebody insulted me or abused me just roll over and take it and realize that I probably deserved it.

TL:DR I'm the stupidest person in the world and just lost my 2 best friends over a game and my stupid pride.

Anyway I'm going back to bed and hopefully everybody just forgets about me

So Im starting to question what is wrong with the medical system in this country... First the thing that happend to me at the hospital last week which made me angry and today Im even more pissed off. So a little backstory so ppl can understand why im annoyed. At the current moment in time Im on anti-depressive medication due to severe depression and suicidal thoughts. So I sought proffessional help and got pre-scribed a medication called Citalopram which is a anti-depressant. So I went down to the pharmacy today to get a refill on my medication since it ran out today. And I was refused... I was denide my own medication... and why? Well I was told there has to be a period of 30 days between when I can get my meds. Fine Id be okay with that if there wasn't for one little problem...There's only 28 pills in each box. Simple maths would be great if they understood it. So I'm now without meds until monday and the best thing is my doctor told me im not allowed to go more than 1 day without taking the medication as it can severely mess me up and make me have a re-lapse of sorts and my suicidal thoughts and self-harm could return because of it.

So TL:DR the medical system in this country stinks and I was refused my own medication.

Good job Swedish Government/Health system...

So I went to the hospital today because I got sent to it by my therapist. I got sent to the center for sexualmedicine. I didn't think about it alot first. So I got there and waited for the doctor I was supposed to meet with. So we went to his office and I got to tell him about myself. We talked about the usual my health.Hobbies,friends and such. And then he reads from my medical journal. So he told me that he wanted to talk about me being an AB/DL and also a bit about me being a Brony. So after having to explain both of them to him it happend. He told me my therapist had sent me there in hopes that they would be able to help "cure" me from my AB/DL side and also from being a Brony. And this just pissed me right the fuck off. I told him that I like both my AB side and my brony part of myself and his response was pretty much "it's not normal" and explaining that they probably are a big part of the reason why I have severe depression. And I was so close to going off on him but I kept myself from screaming at him. No my depression was caused because of years of bullying and being put down NOT because im a AB or a Brony.

I like how they dare to call him a Medical "Proffessional" when he acted like a fucking amatuer.

I mean what kind of sense does that make. "Yeah we have to get rid of your AB and Brony sides because it's not normal and anything that is not normal is bad and has to be removed" FUCK THAT

This is the last time I ever tell my therapist about anything.

I keep asking myself if I have done a huge mistake. Everytime I think about nordicfuzzcon I get so nervous and anxious. I mean when I signed up for it I was really excited and I still am but Im also kinda get this creeping feeling that I have made a huge mistake. I mean Im in a groupe of bronies that meet once a month and I haven't had the courage to attend that in over like 6 months so why would I think I would be able to attend NFC. I dunno im feeling so weird and conflicted. On the one hand I really wanna go because Id get to meet alot of people and it would be my first furry con. On the other hand I'm socially awkward,shy and also suffer from social anxiety which makes me think that im in way over my head. I just dunno anymore I keep getting this fear that im gonna do what ive done with most gaming/anime cons ive been to where I go there the 1st day stay for like an hour and then leave and feel that I just waisted my time.

I just don't know anymore. I hate it when my brain fucks with me in this way.

It funny how sometimes you can't really tell how your actually feeling. I had an interesting little thing happen today where I thought I was ready for something when I absolutely wasn't.
Today was the first time I talked to my EX in over 3 something months. And I thought it wouldn't be a big deal I was 100% sure I was over him. Never have I been so wrong. After about 2 hours of talking to him
(with other people aswell ofc) I broke down and had to leave the Teamspeak server we were on. I just couldn't handle it for some reason... I was so sure I was over him.

The weird thing is that I always thought that I was in charge of my feelings or that I atleast was pretty good at it. But I was proveen otherwise. After talking to him all the memories came rushing back. The good times.
How he and I used to sit and talk and play games together, How I thought our love would last even though we were in different countries and mostly how he saved my life. All the times he comforted me and talked me out of
commiting suicide. All those memories was to much for me and today was the first time in a month that I seriously thought about ending my life.

It's funny isn't it how we think we can tell our own feelings when sometimes we infact can't

all in all today has been a horrible day and I just want to crawl up in a corner somewhere and disappear.

So I stole this from  tfbaxxter since it looked like a lot of fun ^_^

Where are you staying? at home since I live about 2h 45min away with train

Means of transportation? Train

Sharing a room with: none since im staying at home

Gender: Male

Relationship status: Single

How old are you? 20

How tall are you? 182 cm

What languages do you speak? English,Swedish and a few word of german :P

Have you been to any other furry conventions before? No never this will be my first one ^_^

Have you been to Sweden before? Well I hope so since I live in Sweden :P

Are you doing anything for the convention? Nope

What are you bringing to the convention? Not sure :S

Do you have a fursuit? No

Who will you be with? I'm not sure I don't know any furries IRL :S

Are you selling anything at the convention? No

Do you do free art? Well I can't draw xD

Do you do trades? Can't draw

Do you do commissions? Still can't draw :P

Can I talk to you? Ofcourse I'll happily talk to new people

Can I buy you lots of drinks? Hehe sure not that I would know why anyone would want to :P

Do you smoke? Sometimes

Can I give you lots of money? No keep it for yourself :)

Can I hug or snuggle you? Absolutely ^_^

Are you nice? I am a nice person although somewhat socially awkward sometimes and has a bit of social anxiety so I have a hard time speaking to people sometimes

Can I buy you food and/or eat with you? Yes

Can I give you presents? I dunno

Can I hang with you in your room? Don't have a room at the con :P

Can I dance with you? Sure

Can I invite you to parties? I would love that

How can I get your attention? Just come up and speak to me or call out my name :P

What are you most looking forward to? Meeting new people. It's exciting and nervous at the same time to quote Pinkie Pie from MLP I'm Nervousited :P

So I just recently got sent to another clinic by my doctor and psychologist and today I recieved a letter of confirmation of that. The letter told me there was a 2 month wait list which is fine and all but what made me worried was when I just recently noticed the department of the hospital that had sent the letter to me. It was the department of andrology and sexualmedication. The reason why that worries me kinda is because I told my psychiatrist about my ab/dl side. I don't know but it just worries me and is making me nervous. Oh well maybe its nothing to worry about.

So I really just felt like writing a short update on what's been going on for me in the last few weeks. As some of you might know I suffer from severe depression and anxiety to the point where I am now taking medication against it. When I first thought about seeking proffesional help I was skeptical about it thinking that I would just be ignored or told that it would pass like I had been told in the past. However I decided to seek proffessional help when I reached a stage where I was contemplating suicide each and every day and night. So I talked to a doctor who gave me medication and also set up meetings with a psychologist so that I would get to talk to someone. At fist I felt very uncomfortable talking to her and only really answered basic questions. However after a few appointments we started to talk about the topic of happiness and she asked me if I knew what made me happy. A friend of mine online had suggested to me that I would tell her about my ab/dl side since I always said that it was one of the few things that made me really happy. So I did and she seemed to be quiet interested in it and I went about explaining the basics of it like why it made me happy and how I did it and what ab/dl involved. I can honestly say that from the combination of talking to my psychologist aswell as my medication I rarely have "dark" thoughts anymore. Sure sometimes I get an episode where I contemplate hurting myself but it usually only lasts a few hours instead of the days and weeks it used to last.

However I can't give all the credit for my feeling better to just my medication and psychologist I also have to thank someone who has become a very good friend to me  Haruko_HeartFire who started out by simply offering to be able to talk to me when I was feeling down. However he has been a great friend not only listening to my problems but also just being there to talk to me sometimes.

But yeah that's pretty much it. I still have issues every so often but it's almost never as bad as it used to be. I am hoping that maybe one day I can be rid of my depression that I have been suffering from since I was 10. But untill that day I'll just have to keep my chin up and hope for the best ^_^

Just found out how to use the beta ui and holy heck that's one sweet UI I have to say ^_^

Stole this from  Tiramizu because it looked really fun ^.^

A - Age
20

B - Biggest fear
Balloons (scary when they go pop)

C - Cold or warm weather?
Cold weather

D - Drink you last had
Juice

E - Extraterrestrials, do they exist?
Maybe?

F - First thing you did when you woke up
Took my medicine

G - Ghosts, are they real?
Not sure

H - How tall are you?
6'5

I - In love with someone?
Not currently unless fictional characters count :P

J - Jealous of someone?
Yes my friend Adam because he has his own apartment

K - Killed anyone?
Nope

L - Last time you ever cried
Today

M - Music genre you dislike the most
R&B

N - Newest acquisition
Camoflauge pants

O - One wish
To get to move away from home

P - Pie flavour, which is your favourite?
Apple pie

Q - Question you often ask
"What's wrong with me?"

R - Reason to smile
The hope that everything works out in the end

S - Song you like the most
Currently True Colors cover by gigi and sharm

T - Time you woke up
14:45 :S

U - Underwear color
Black

V - Videogame you like the most
World of Warcraft

W - Worst habits
doubting myself all the time

X - X-rays taken
None except at the dentist

Y - Your favorite food
Chicken can never eat to much chicken :)

Z - Zodiac sign
Cancer

I don't think I ever thought that art could move a person so much as I have experienced today. I got a picture comissioned by the lovely  kittybird and I've had pictures comissioned before and while they've always been awesome and i've loved all of them this time was something extra special.

So I wanted a picture of my fursona in a feminine way. And boy did it turn out great. It turned out better than I ever could expect and I really don't know what to say I can't find the words. All I can say is the picture touched me deeply as it was very personal to me. Some history about me might be requiered to understand why. When I grew up I was frequently bullied for being kinda girlie. When I was young I would cry very easily and most of my friends were girls and for some reason people thought that made me a girl. I was endlessly teased for being "gay" and "a girl" and I learned to "man up" shutting down most of the way I was and wanted to be. And now when I had this picture made it just hit me right in the heart and I think it's the first time a picture has brought me to tears. That very picture is exactly who I want to be and who I aspire to be and who I hope to be.

Im sure im sounding like a sappy idiot but it really meant alot to me so once again thank you so very much  kittybird

the picture can be found here
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/18456412/

So I saw an absolutely adorable picture today that involved balloons and a cub and when I read the description the maker of the picture mentioned that the picture must be a nightmare for people that are afraid of balloons and adding a closed caption saying (yes they actually exist) and that kinda made me think a bit. It is a pretty unusuall phobia and as someone who suffers from it (Shock and suprise!) Id really like to educate people about it.

So if anyone wants to ask me any questions about it feel free to comment with a question and I'll happily answer ^.^

So I was just sitting around browsing the internet today and I went over to a website called mmo-champion to check out daily news on the upcomming World of Warcraft expansions. So I was just browsing through some pictures when I saw a NPC called Calia Menethil. I had to do a double take and when I was sure I almost fell out of my chair while screaming. Blizzard finally is going to tell us what happend to the sister of one of my all time favorite characters in any videogame.

Wow im such a nerd for being really happy/excited about this xD

1. Last beverage: Juice
2. Last phone call: Mom
3. Last text message: Best friend
4. Last song you listened to: Area 11 - Versus
5. Last time you cried: Today
6. Dated someone twice: Nope
7. Been cheated on: Yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: No
9. Lost someone special: Yes many times
10. Been depressed: Yes and still am

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Blood red
13. Black
14. Blue

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2015)
15. Made a new friend: Yes
16. Fallen out of love: Yes
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes
18. Met someone who changed you: Yupp
19. Found out who your true friends were: Yeah
20. Found out someone was talking about you: No
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: No
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Depends on the site
23. How many kids do you want: 2 or 3
24. Do you have any pets: 2 cats
25. Do you want to change your name: Sometimes
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Drinking?
27. What time did you wake up today: 14:20
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Playing World of Warcraft
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Nordicfuzzcon and WoW:Legion
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Today
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Not be depressed
32. What are you listening to right now: Area 11 - Versus
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes a british guild mate of mine was called Tom
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: No one
35. Most visited webpage: FA/Youtube
36. Whats your real name: Per
37. Nicknames: Swede,Dolk1,Tera,Perra
38. Relationship Status: Single
39. Zodiac sign: Cancer
40. Male or female: Male
41. Primary School: Galaxen
42. Secondary School: Valsta
43. High school/college: Arlandagymnasiet
44. Hair Color: Brown
45. Long or short hair: Short
46. Height: 6 ft 53? (185 CM)
47. Do you have a crush on someone: No
48: What do you like about yourself: Friendly/Trustworthy
49. Piercings: None
50. Tattoos: I wish
51. Righty or lefty: Lefty

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: None
53. First piercing: None
54. First best friend: My brother
55. First sport you joined: Ice Hockey
56. First vacation: Can't remember
58. First pair of trainers: Not sure what trainers are?

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating: Nothing
60. Drinking: Juice
61. I'm about to: Sleep
62. Listening to: Area 11
63. Waiting for: Nothing

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids: Yes
65. Get married: Yes
66. Career: Radio Broadcaster

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: Hugs
69. Shorter or taller: Shorter
70. Older or Younger: Younger
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms
73. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship


HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: No
77. Drank hard liquor: Yes many times
78. Lost glasses/contacts: Nope don't have glasses/contacts
79. Sex on first date: No
80. Broken someone's heart: Yes
82. Been arrested: Nope
83. Turned someone down: No
84. Cried when someone died: Yes
85. Fallen for a friend: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: Not really
87. Miracles: Nope
88. Love at first sight: Yes
89. Heaven: No
90. Santa Claus: No
91. Kiss on the first date: Yes
92. Angels: No

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Nope
95. Did you sing today: Yes many times
96. Ever cheated on somebody: Never
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: 1950's America
98. The moment you would choose to relive: My childhood
99. Are you afraid of falling in love: No
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: Not at all

Hurray it's finally the 1st of december! ^.^

I just love december. Now I don't have to feel quilty about listening to christmas music (may have been listening since late november xD )
1st of december also means that I can finally shave again! Woho no more beard/mustach for me :P

But most of all im excited about the 1st of december because the yogscast jinglejam livestreams begun today!! Constant christmas streams through all of december :D

Well I hope that everyone has a great december month I sure hope that I do ^.^

Today was a pretty good day I have to say. Talked to my psychiatrist and discussed some really interesting and embarrassing things with her. And then I spent most of the day chatting to people while listening to music and playing games.

Today was the first time in a long while that I've actually felt hopefull and kinda looking forward to the future ^.^

FUCK EVERYONE ON THIS SITE! I GIVE UP NOW! No one ever fucking takes me seriously. I write journal after journal talking about the issues im having and no one fucking listens. I post one picture and Im suddenly an attention hore and get flooded with comments telling me to kill myself. You know what you guys won guess what I'm killing myself tonight. No one takes me seriously but this time I swear. I'll get someone to post my obituary and my goodbye letter. Be it on all your heads since no one ever took me seriously. I hope you all experience what I feel so you will know how hopeless I feel how destoryed and empty I am.

Good bye cruel fucking world and see you all in hell

Oh the things I have to do to get my family to listen. So tonights sleepless effort ended up pleasently for me. After having my mother not listen when I told her I wanted to kill myself I retreated back to my room and did what I do best. I decided that I have to be more descriptive if I want people to listen to me. So I went back to my room and got out my excato knife and well I think most people can guess what I ended up doing. Long story short I came back down bleeding from my arms and laughing that's what I had to do to get my mother to take me seriously. And after that she ofcourse asked if I needed to go to a hospital. I told her I really can't feel pain anymore and she immidiently said that if I seek medical attention I will go back to the psych ward. To be honest Id rather die than go back there so I guess that's my option if my psychiatrist can't help me.

Anyway have some pictures from tonights little adventure.

http://imgur.com/a/pMRZ4

I didnt think my life could get any fucking worse but once again life has proved me wrong. I literally didn't sleep even five minutes tonight due to depression thoughts keeping me awake in agony over how worthless I am. So at 6.30 in the morning I went down to take my medication and my mother woke up and asked me what i was doing up. I told her I was going to re-scheduel a meeting I was going to today because I didn't feel good. She told me I just had turned the day upside down and slept during they day and was awake during the night. I told her I couldn't sleep because I was feeling depressen and I also told her that I was literally planning on comitting suicide and that I want to blow my brains out. AND HER FUCKING RESPONSE WAS "Go sleep for 30 minutes and hour I'll wake you up" I literally told her I wanted to KILL MYSELF and she didn't fucking care. FUCK HER! I knew that she didn't fucking care. This might be the one thing that finally sends me over the fucking edge. Good bye world I hope I get to sleep forever very soon.

So last night I had a bit of a struggle with myself where I really really wanted to continue working on some of my writing that I've been doing recently but I kinda just couldn't mostly because everytime I told myself that I was gonna start writing I opened my notepad and I couldn't come up with a single thing to write. Now that is pretty unusuall for me because when I write stories I try to do as much pre-planning as possible and by that I mean I try to get the idea for how the story is going to end and everything before I even start writing. I just sat staring at my notepad and I just couldn't continue my story. I tried and tried but everything I wrote I just wasn't satisfied with. So in the end I went to bed since it was nearly 4-4.30 in the morning and told myself I would force myself to do some writing today. The reason as to why Im gonna force myself is because I want to post my work more frequently because I know if I don't set up like a schedual for me for when I need to have certain things done I'm never going to get around to doing it. So I was thinking about starting to try and post a new part of my story atleast once a week to see if it works for me. Hopefully this "deadline" is what I need to be able to start writing again.

Writing this journal is probably a pretty good start in my opinion I can almost feel my enthusiasm for writing returning *Writing a Journal has filled you with determination* (god I've watched to much undertale im such a nerd xD )

Lately I have been feeling tiered. Very very tiered and I just don't mean physically tiered. My mind has grown oh so tiered and numb
I can't seem to do anything anymore. I try to leave the house as little as possible because I can't stand being out in public.
Whenever I go out my paranoia eats at me telling me that people are silently judging me, laughing at me. I don't know what that says
about me except that I don't like myself. So I try to avoid going out. But at the same time my home feels like a prison with no escape and I can't stand it.
Oh well I lack the energy to do anything anyway. I feel as if I'm on autopilot every day doing the same things and I've become so used to it that I barely even notice it anymore.
When I first sought help for my psychological issues I didn't think I could sink any lower. I had hope, hope of getting well and being able to live my life.
Now I realise all of that was foolish dreaming. I will never get well, I'll be like this for the rest of my miserable existance. But who the hell cares,
they could throw me into a cell in a psych ward and forget about me because no one would ever care. My family and few "friends" would be happy to get rid of me.
So why not just do it myself. I don't care anymore and no one else does.

I tried shouting and calling for help once upon a time but I was greeted by the silence from an empty void.

All it takes is a single bullet
A precise knife cut
A rope and a tree
Some medicine
Or just one step from the ledge

And then it will all be over. I would disappear from this nightmare and forever sleep in eternal dreams.
No more pain, no more nightmares.

And I know some would call this a cowards way out and I agree.
I'm just so tiered of being brave.

Happiness seems to be really hard to find lately. I've noticed that things that used to make me happy before does nothing for me anymore.
I used to be able to play video games for hours. I would literally spend anywhere between 12-14 hours aday playing World of Warcraft or other video games and I was happy doing it. Now not so much. I can barely enjoy WoW or video games anymore. Whenever I play a video game now adays I have to force myself to play the game because it's a way to waste time even though I don't get any happiness out of it. I also used to love to create things or try new things whenever I could. I used to be an avid story writer and youtube content creator. But the last story I wrote I gave up on and I haven't uploaded a video to youtube in something like a year or something. Aswell as I used to try new things like graffiti painting or cosplay creating or even baking. Now I get no joy out of any of that and I don't understand why. It almost feels as if I have lost my purpouse in life and I can't seem to find it again. My days are just waisting time until I get to go back to sleep. And I'm trying everything I can to fix it but I can't even do the simplest of things to make me happy anymore. One big example is I used to really love to talk to my friends. I would literally spend atleast 7-8 hours talking to my best friend Adam and playing games with him. Now I can barely talk to him for 30 minutes without wanting to leave the skype call. And it's not his fault. He is always really interesting and funny to talk to and he tries so hard to be patient with me and he is a saint for that I know that I would have lost my patience long ago if I had to deal with myself probably. I just really seem to lack all energy to do anything anymore and since I don't find any joy in anything I used to do I just don't do any of it anymore.

To sum it all up happiness is hard to find and I really wish I could be happy over even the tiniest thing but I just can't

So about 3 weeks ago I got a reply from my boyfriend after I sent him a message asking if he still had feelings for me. The reason I sent that message was because I hadn't spoken to him in nearly 2 weeks. The reply I got from him was that he was unsure and that he was questioning his sexuality and that he still had some feelings for me but he didn't know in what way. Now 3 weeks have passed and I haven't spoken to him since. I had a feeling that our relationship wouldn't last after all he lives in England and I live in Sweden. But deep down I kept hoping that we could make it work because I really loved him. He was my first boyfriend. The only relationship I had been in before that was with my ex-girlfriend. But sadly my ex-girlfriend was only with me as a prank trying to give false hope to a loser as she called it. So after that I was always really paranoid about relationships and I decided to not date anymore. That was until I met my boyfriend. At first when I started talking to him I was really paranoid thinking that he only wanted to mess with me like my ex had done. But slowly I started to trust him. He proved himself to me. He stuck by me when I was having a nervous breakdown and severe depression issues. He even talked to me all day when I was commited to a psychiatric ward. He was so kind to me and always tried to teach me that I was actually worth something. I remember how he got super pissed at me when he found out that I harmed myself when depressed. He said that if I ever did it again he wouldn't talk to me. That scared me alot and managed to make me stop for a while. He tried to talk me out of suicide several times and if he hadn't I probably wouldn't be here right now. Sure I still have alot of issues with depression and I'm still suicidal but he really tried to help me. He became my knight in shining armor. So when he left me I was devestated. I kept telling myself that it had all been fake and he had just been messing with me like my ex-girlfriend had. But even then I couldn't hate him. The truth is I still have feelings for him. Im finding it hard to let go of him. I lie awake at night and think about him. Everytime I log into skype I want to call him but I never do. I just can't let go of him. So that made me wonder why is it so hard to let go of the guy that made me think I was worth something and then just fucked off and left me? I really want to hate him but I just can't and I don't know why. The truth is that I would come back to him in an instant if he gave me the chance. Am I crazy for feeling like this? Obviously something has to be wrong with me but I honestly just don't know what to do without him. It feels as though I'm missing something without him.

I'll end this journal with a poem I wrote with him in mind.

I hear voices in my head
Telling me I should be dead
Why not make their wish come true
There is nothing left here for me
Without you.

I can feel it aproaching, that sudden feeling of doom and despair. Lately ive been growing lonely a special type of lonely. I feel even more lonely than I ever did before I met my well I guess now ex-boyfriend. It's growing harder to even think about anything else than impending demise. My meds do nothing anymore and my next appointment with my doctor isn't until December.

Now I have been thinking about this for a while. My constant thirst for alcohol to dampen my hurt and every waking moment I want to hurt myself. I feel so good when I draw blood and moments after it I feel bad again so I have to do it again and again to keep feeling good.

Now this last week i've put all my things in order. I have the letter explaining everything written and I keep it in my backpocket all the time. It's actually pretty calming knowing that I can end it whenever and not have to worry about writing anything first. And now all that I am waiting for is that one thing to push me over the edge. The final piece to give me the conviction to finally put my pain to an end.

And I have heard it all before "don't do it. Talk to your family they care" But I can tell you already now that it wont be a problem.

To put it all out there in the open. I am adopted living with a foster family that don't give a shit. My real mom was a drug addict and my real dad was an abusive shit that hit my brother and mom. My foster parents aren't any better. My foster mom yells at me or doesn't listen to me. She only started to pretend to give a fuck when she found out I was depressed because she knew I could get money from the state because of it. My foster dad I never speak to. He is only interested in cars and I know that he doesn't like the fact that im Bi. My brother is almost as depressed as me having tried to commit suicide three times before just like me. The few times I speak with him now adays is when we argue. I have no friends left. My best friend now lives on the other side of the country so I never get to talk to him and my only other friend that still lives nearby is a homophobic asshole. I'm unemployed with no in-come not even from the state. I spend my days staring at a fucking wall in the prison I call my room. Mainly because my mom doesn't let me go outside because she works for the police and Is afraid I'll get killed. My so called boyfriend fucked me over. Just when I thought I had finally found happiness and he had finally convinced me I was actually worth something he left me without so much as a fucking goodbye. I can't find a single fucking reason to why I shouldn't just end it right now. All my dreams and hopes have been crushed. I'm no longer allowed in the military because im mentally ill. My grades are to bad for me to be able to become a laywer and no university in the country wants me. And lastly I can't even move away from home so I can live my own life.

Now that it's all out in the open I'm sure people can understand why I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do.

There was a quote I used to love that said
"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing to live when I wanted to die" Now I know that either I'm not brave enough anymore or I have just realised there is a thin line between bravery and foolishness.

It took just a few days for my life to go down in pieces again. I thought I was finally on my way to get better. I had a wonderful boyfriend, I talked to my bestfriend all the time, I had stopped hurting myself and I had finally gotten medicine against my issues. But ofcourse nothing can ever go my way can it?

First my boyfriend stopped talking to me after confessing that he was being bullied in school. Then my bestfriend started to ignore me telling me "oh well talk tomorrow mate".
Now when I finally managed to get ahold of my boyfriend again he tells me he is questioning his sexual orientation and he doesn't know how he feels about me.

And just like that I'm back to square one. Abusing alcohol,hurting myself and telling myself I ain't worth shit. I just wanna scream and shout but no one hears me. No one listens to me when I talk and I don't even think my friends know I exsist anymore. My paranoia and anxiety has started to return once again. My medication does nothing.

I don't know how much longer I can stand this? I don't know what to do?
Am I going insane? It sure feels like it.