Shit so I just found out that my boyfriend is apparently spending time at a mental facility due to being unfit to be home. Apparently he had tried to commit suicide 3 times in one day. The thing that breaks my heart is that he didn't even consider talking to me before he did it.

I had just started to feel a little better since I got anti-depressants but now that I heard this I'm right back down in a very dark place again. I just don't know what to do? can I even do anything? Why just why didn't he come and talk to me before he did anything? I clearly remember him telling me to talk to him when I felt suicidal and I promised I would so why wouldn't he talk to me when he felt suicidal? Did I do something wrong? I keep telling him how much he means to me and how much I love him but he doesn't seem to respond anymore when I tell him that? does he hate me? What did I do?

FUCK I just don't know anymore.
I just wish I was dead sometimes

So I'm not good when it comes to relationships. I'm generally a awkward person and I'm usually pretty down from my depression. So when I finally met someone I was happier than I had been in years (not joking hadn't been that happy in years). He is so lovely and knew exactly how to cheer me up when I was feeling down. Ofcourse at first I was really paranoid since my last relationship my partner was just screwing with me and in fact had no feelings for me whatsoever. Anyway I really love my current partner and that is why I'm starting to get anxious/nervous now. The reason im feeling anxious is because I haven't spoken to him in almost over 2 weeks. Now I know that probably sounds silly to most people but I really can't help but worry. I don't know if it's just a side-effect from the anti-depressants i've started eating now since apparently they can make you more anxious/depressed when you first start taking them. I honestly just don't know what to do because I really don't know what I would do without my partner.

Why does things have to be so hard sometimes?

what is a life? Is it just the act of existing or is there more to it? Some would argue that life is defined by your experiences.
Things like memories or feelings like happiness is what defines life. Would it be right to then assume that if you don't feel happy or don't have any good memories that you are not alive? Because an existance of only pain and suffering can hardly be called a life, can it?
It is true that life can't only be happiness and fun it also has to involve some moments of sadness and hurt, but if you have one without the other are you really living?
I would argue that at the point when your life is only sorrow and hurt and you see no end to it then you are no longer living.
Because a human being that don't think they can ever feel happiness again might aswell be dead.

Is there really any difference if the mind is dead and numb and the body carries on then isn't it better if the body also gives up?
Or can there actually still be hope after the mind has given up.
I feel that this is a matter that differs from person to person so will we ever have a solid answer to the question?
We may never know and maybe just maybe we are better of not knowing.

"Whoever fights monster should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.
And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you" - Friedrich Nietzsche

If I could wish. If I could hope or if I could dream I would change alot about myself. I would be thin again or maybe I would be fit instead of the fatass I am now. I wouldn't be socially awkward or anxious all the time. I would smile and mean it instead of this mask I wear everyday. I wouldn't have thoughts about killing myself and I would sleep at night instead of lying awake unable to sleep because of my thoughts. I would have a better relationship with my family and I wouldn't fight with them so much. I would be somewhat popular instead of having only three friends in the world. I would be studying or working and not be unemployed. I would have the energy to do my hobbies instead of just lying around day in and day out. I would be free from my depression and free to enjoy my life.

But mostly I would trade all of this away to be able to be with my lovely and beautiful boyfriend. It feels like he is a world away even though he is in the U.K and I'm in Sweden. But in the end I always find some comfort in the fact that we love eachother so much that we manage to make this work and that is what gets me through my darkest days.

And if by some chance my boyfriend reads this I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart and I wouldn't know what to do without you.

While I was feeling really down tonight I got a really interesting thought when I was sitting alone in my dark room.

"I could probably use my pocketknife to sever a vein and bleed out on the floor before anyone would even notice"

Now why is it that even though my family knows that I have suicidal tendencies they don't even care when I'm in a bad mood. Nobody noticed or cares when I want to end my life. My family don't care if I live so why should I? Now adays the pain just gets worse it never gets better.

My doctors want me to take anti-depressants but they can never seem to prescribe any to me. In this country you have to comit suicide before you get any help and even if you do that they just end up wondering why you didn't get help. Oh well not that I would want to take anti-depressants anyway "Happiness from the bottle" what bullshit all they do is make you into a emotionless zombie and then I'd rather be dead. To be fair I would rather be dead than have to walk around another day pretending I'm fine. Just because I'm smiling don't mean that I'm okay.

I just want to scream to the world that I'm in pain but who the fuck would care? No one would. I don't even have the choice to end my life anymore because my boyfriend said he wouldn't be able to live without me. I know he only meant well but it doesn't exactly comfort me. I used to take comfort in the thought that I could decide to end my life. But now I'm scared that I'm gonna wake up one day feeling to scared to continue living and my boyfriend is gonna do something stupid just because I can't carry on. I truelly do love him and I don't want him to throw away his life because I'm a coward. I love him so much and he always knows how to make me feel better but now adays I just don't know what to do anymore.

Lately i've been thinking alot about my life.

I don't know why but I got extremely pissed off when I was talking to a friend about some issues and I got the classic "It get's better" speach from him. WHEN?

when does it get better? Because I've been waiting for years and It never seems to get better. I've been bullied and beaten all my life. My classmates through all my years in school bullied me, my parents treated me like shit, my brother yelled at me all the time and even my so called "Friends" tells me shit like "Fuck off" "Faggot" and other such stuff. So when exactly does my life get better?

Ever since I came out it feels like my life has gotten worse.

The one good thing that has happened to me in the last 7 or 8 years is that this year I met my lovely boyfriend, But ofcourse I manage to screw that up aswell. I act like an ass and always say the wrong things, And even though I know that he loves me and I know that I love him my brain still won't let me be happy. Everyday my brain tells me how I don't deserve him and that he is to good for me. It would probably be a lot easier to ignore those thoughts if he didn't live in England and I live in Sweden.

Every night it's the same thing, unable to sleep I just sit in my bed and listen to how my brain tells me that I'm worthless and that I should "end it". Suicidal thoughts have almost become a daily routine now. And every night it's the same thing. So once again I wonder when does it get better? 10 years? 20? or when I'm dead?

The only reason I'm still alive is because I still have a little bit of hope. But that is fading fast.
And soon I don't think I can carry on anymore.