okay finally pretty much almost completely up to date on all my shit, at least most of it i guess..

err or some kinda something i don't know but i do know i fixed up some crap on my FA. :p

okay okay i FINALLY decided to go on a updating spree and uploading all my art ive been working on.... god im lazy... i wish i had a tablet again, ah well pen and paper is fine i guess.

ANYWAYS hope you all enjoy :3

Okay...

well... >.>

ive moved back 'home' with my parents, and well still thinking about things.. thinking of getting a new tablet, although now i have a job soo i could definitely possibly afford it... problem is finding time to draw and getting back my 'artist gear' like photoshop and junk, ive got TONZ of sketches ive worked on for the past year and a half sitting in my art box of artistic fun... problem is getting them from pencil and paper to digital to upload, obviously im not going to take photos of them to post on here.. but scanning them would also be a hassle, as im not sure how to run the damn thing... not to mention its in another room though apparently you can connect via network, what a pain in the fucking head..

hmm.. if that doesnt make matters worse... the art itself is on rather large sheets of paper soo im not even entirely sure if i can get the 'whole' picture with each scan.. jeez im a fucking artist... yea im skilled with technology but some of it is just time consuming and mind numbing... ill get to it at some point maybe bring the thing in my room and go all fucking out with scanning everything and if need be overlaying pictures soo that they are in full view and nothing cut out.. going to take some time but hopefully the new additions to my gallery will draw attention, not that im a attention whore.. but artists love their art looked at... unless they dont.... which would be strange... >.>

welp time to wrap this up before i ramble on about everything and nothing....

-Syn

im still with out a tablet, with a new laptop though and im on my old desktop computer right now....
hanging out in my moms and stuff, to well... remember good times...

ANYWAYS!!!!!! ive been drawing like a beast, got so much art work done the trees would cry at how many where slaughtered for the paper to be used to make them.

my art, at least with paper and pen has gotten WAY better, hell even a girl i knew (turned out to be a psychotic bitch...) got one of my works tattooed on her arm turned out fantastic... okay okay okay, im my own worst critic and for me to say that my art now is epic, thats REALLY something... i just wish i could share it... with out a printer and money to buy a tablet and printer its near impossible to share my fantastic works with you fine furs out there.

im totally NOT dead so dont worry my arts improving constantly my proportions and aspects of anatomy have increased tenfold and my regret is not having as much free time to improve more....

in any case just thought id update and stuff...

on a side note, the crackhead and his crackhead hoe went to jail.. and this psychotic room mate i had is gone (thank god) she cut my other roomies breaks stole some shit and yea.... totally peachy life... lmfao...

well, theres plenty more i could share but my life story would take up so much god damn text my keyboard would spontaneously combust, lol.

-Syn

Hmm... its been...

far too long...

Well i still have a broken tablet so im unable to draw as i want to, but regardless of that i am in between houses with out a laptop and i wont risk damage to my desktop with constant moving so reality is if i had a tablet i wouldn't be able to keep drawing on a basis i would like to. though despite this i have been drawing with pen and paper, i should say i just started too again but still with the amount of time i have daily its not realistic to try and keep drawing stable and daily.

Alot of things have happened, and in all honesty im somewhat bothered by my current situation despite the fact that i am getting out more often then i have since i moved to the city, atleast then i was living at one place and could go on my computer with ease when ever i so pleased. its been years since ive been back in my hometown and still finding a stable job has been hell... infact i still dont have one, i have been working odd jobs to keep myself mobile with my car which seem like it could give out any day in which case i would prolly move back home to live here rather then where i stay mainly now.

i have a gf.. and it seems kinda crazy as its been my longest relationship i had ever had, though still i cant shake the paranoia of being cheated on or worse. dealing with it is half the battle the reality of it is it COULD happen as it had happened to me before, thank god im slowly starting to exile my own feelings in which case caring is not going to be apart of the finished product. Of course id still care about animals and my own but still theres only so much you can do before you snap and go on a killing spree killing all the crackheads in your neighborhood. did i mention two just moved in down the street?

Gaming... oh sweet gaming how i loath not having a mobile computer that i could play games on, and how i can not play the game i have waited for, for years... diablo 3 needs to come out... IT HAS TOO... its one of my motivating factors that keeps me from slipping and going on a emotion repressed rampage. playing the beta seems like a impossibility especially with my living situations, im unable to ride blizzards dick in hopes that i would get the demo and key, prolly better off as my patients wares thine when it comes to sitting around waiting for sit to happen when in all reality it may not and most likely not happen.. i mean fuck.

My cat is doing fine, and now i have a husky of whome should have pups sometime in the near future. also one of the things thats keeping me from slipping, sure it would be alot of work to take care of them and work on finding them good homes and then keeping tabs after them after they find said homes. but i think things will work out, maybe not today... maybe not tomorrow but eventually i do hope things work out for the better.

a job, laptop, tablet, car (thats not on the verge of exploading), maybe even a house out in the woods where i could be in my element again and not have to think about shit too hard and relax under a shady tree... well maybe its a pipe dream, maybe not. intell then...

i hating these fucking crackheads might be okay for now even though it pisses me off to no end.

-SynisterWrath

Real life...

It seems that its gotten in the way of a lot of things lately sometimes i wish i could go back to what i was before, lurking in the darkest corners of my mind for another escape from reality with role play drawing and gaming and so on.

some of you may not even care and not even bother to read this, and i don't blame you for that, its been ages since i posted anything and i am still with out a tablet... i am not home all the time as i was before, i mean i am turning 25 in June, i mean that's like 25% of my lifespan right there if i live to be 100. when i was younger i never would have guessed id live to be 21 let alone 24 or in June 25... time seems to be slipping and all i can think about is going back to that simple life of loosing myself in my mind.

don't get me wrong, the way things are going now are pretty good... aside from the stress anxiety and sore body i have from working so hard to do things, i even have a red and white blue eyed husky that's mine that i take care of along with my cat. I am also between houses... The house i was raised in aka my home home, and my home away from home with the person who brought me out of my cage the very home i call home. i am vexed, both lifestyles have pro's and con's and either one would be nice, and i should feel great full that i am even capable of having a choice to live either way.

Of course this is just another rambling of nonsense, a blank page to vent on.

lost and broken,

-SynisterWrath

Meh.. i tried a couple times to use it.. and it continues to mess up causing my courser or scroll button to infinitely scroll or jerk around violently causing me to have to restart if the pen touches the tablet.

dunno when or how ill get a new one...

>_<

-SynisterWrath

HAH...

no idea why.. but yea.. HAH!

i needa start drawing again, i miss it. xD

HIGH HOOO HIGH HOOO ITS OF TO METRO CON I GO!!!

anime is great, anyways yea will be away fro awhile not that it matters that much but yea.

ill be back Sunday

-SynisterWrath

The blasphemy is endless!!!

in the 'mood' so draw'wren time are nao. plzkthxxx!

might be awhile before i actually post anything though hours, possibly a day or so, i intend to go full on detail.

/Busy

-SynisterWrath

Okay been awhile since anything has been posted here,

my grandfather had passed, i lost track of time spending it wasting away. also got my car back and working though still jobless, ive been struggling to keep myself from compleatly losing it..

and let me tell you...

its not easy...

after spending time alone in my room for months on end, before i got my car feeling abandoned and such, my thoughts have grown dramaticly darker.. after a spite driven outlash at my neighbors mom for being a cockblock, (i was drunk) also threatened to commit suicide... (which honestly i was) a friend of mine had stopped me from doing anything, defusing the situation and my running to the rope i had gathered for.. well im sure you get it.. not sure if i said anything about this before...

but im now seeing a shrink or.. have been.. what ever... apparently i show signs of paranoid schizophrenia as well a introverted thought pattern so severe that im seeing this shrink once a week. after i had sobered up it was the only think keeping me from being bakeracked.. which honestly im glad i choose instead of spending time in one of those hell holes. Then agen the though of being anywhere but the same old place ive been really does seem better.. fuck it, im glad im here alone..

I thought i needed to prove myself to others to gain respect and friendship, now im just looking out for myself.. something i should have done a long time ago, instead of letting myself being taken advantage of by so called friends whome only leeched rides from me and would play the whole i dont have enough money to pay for gas card or giving money for gas that was less then what was used.. honestly i think im just sick of people, could be the paranoia but i think everyone is looking for someone to rip into mentally and rape repeatedly with a splintery stick all the while on the surface being compleatly fake...

in any case, i can almost certainly say that i am pretty corrupted.. possibly by my own hand, this sweet sweet solitude could be the vary thing that is feeding me lies in my head, the part of me thats desperate is all but a whisper now.. the only thing that urged me to go out and try to make friends and not seem ackward, but its kinda hard when your so wrapped up in racing thoughts talking is almost near impossible. thank god for meds..

if 2012 is the year of, the end of all days. then i welcome it and wish only that it is a zombie appocolyps soo that i may fire a rightous shotgun spreading pretty bloody red zombie fleash all over the streets. and i will have a pet zombie, and i will name it Steave, and steave would be a cannable zombie that i could send in first to clear scan the area... of course steave wouldent be able to tell me if he saw anything which is why i would have a camra strapped to his head. my basecape would be a wallmart.. and i would be drunk like every day, and have my meds.. a win win if you ask me.

anyways other then that...

sometime today (it being 1am) there will be a benifet aka some sorta memorial for my grandfather.. still havent cryed to this day.. not sure if i will, prolly not, my grandfather was a great man who had my full respect, and yes i loved him like a father. still though... i feel as if i should have cryed.. possibly im all out of tears from watching him suffer for soo long, not sure.

well im not sure how its going to turn out.. kinda leery about being around others though, i just hope no one fucks with me... it would be a terrible thing if i snapped into reality from my introverted happy place and end up strangle stabbing someone with a broken bottle.

hmm

also im hitting my head agenst the wall waiting for diablo3, i hope it does come out soon. i also hope that when it does... that its finished, to the best of there abillitys. nothing like fighting the demons in a game rather then in one's own head.. aka my own demons which seem to torment me more then i would like to admit.

the future seems dismal, and looks as if time isent going to stop anytime soon.

-SynisterWrath

Roll the window down
this cool night air is curious
Let the whole world look in,
who cares who sees anything.

if i had.. the patients enough to sit here and draw, id be happy.. i wanna learn more and draw more but its like, now all i wanna do is play video games (yea im a hard core gamer) but realy the best thing i could do right now is draw.

hmm i also wish i had connections despite being anti social and a shut in, i would love to have some of the stuff i see through comics and tv shows ext ext... for instance, like friends that you can sleep around with and not have to worry about being stabbed in the back or having it held over your head dangling just out of reach and the more you try the more it drifts away... i guess i have not realy tried to consitering im anti social... but i dont have alot of friends and social networking realy realy realy think that its possibly the worse thing that could have ever happened.. well i mean half of it, it was a good idea, being able to have friends know whats going on where to go and stuff but when it comes down to it.. it opens you up to all the people out that that want nothing more then to see you suffer or hurt you bringing you down in complex ways. then agen im kinda crazy and i tend to over thing stuff, alot.. i mean ive got a couple voices in my head that keep tugging me in different directions, i want to be able to get out there have rough hot sex with random people and be able to talk about it like i do on the itnernet but im so fucking repressed sexualy becouse of things that happened in the past that im turning into a sexual deviant.. i dont wanna be that guy that creeps you out when your near him couse hes practicaly drooling all over you ready to rip your cloths off and rape you..

i just wish that i could take away this social stigma and be fearless and carefree in any conversation, i wanna be free to have sex with others with out getting emotionaly attached further then being just friends in a mutual way unless things get serious later on...

one of my biggest issues is that i rush into relationships blindly thinking i have it all figured out only to find later that the connection i thought i had was never there, and that the insecritys i have with trusting become clear leaving me once agen alone.. honestly?

i dont think i realy care anymore about it.. i think i could live perfectly content and safe and alone where no one not a god damn person could ever make me feel anyworse then i already do just being alone.. the sacrifice is well worth it, logicaly being a alone seems much better then taking a chance and being screwed over like soo many times before... the vary definition of insainity is to do something over and over expecting different results.

anyways im just venting hoping that one day ill break free from this latharic stand still, and become the person i always wanted to be...

oh before i end this, i just wanna say that yes dont worry i will get to drawing but as of right now i have no motivation, so bare with me.

-SynisterWrath

Ahem, now that i got your attention...

my grandfather has passed away just last week... i saw him as he layed there dieing then after as we he was dead... the fucked up thing is i have not cryed, i dont know why if it was for me to be strong for my family... or what.. my grandfather was a great man on soo many levels, loved fishing with him.. its strange.. i cryed harder over my cat dieing more then him...

i dont know if if im becoming detached emotionaly from humans or what... no... that could not be right becouse i do love him despite the fact that ill never see him agen... and all the promises that where left undone...

shit is fucked up....

even more now the crazy hardcore shit is this lonelyness that im feeling has been amplified to a point where its turning to anger and frustraition.. yes a lot of it is sexual... no i im not ugly or fat... im just a loser with no job no money and a car that is hopefully being fixed soon soo i can have another chance...

my friends i thought where my friends still have not come over here.. maybe they know better, i get this feeling that if anyone messes with me... any one person i would ram the nearest blunt or sharp object deep into there brain and or gut.

fuck... and ive been putting off seeing my shrink.... why? dont want all my crazy to fall out infront of her to give her insentive to bakeract me...


hmm....


hmm....


fuck it...


-SynisterWrath

Reformat!!

and starting off with nothing, no photoshop... ext ext ext...

i do have all my art still saved off course backed up and everything, both as jpeg and the photoshop files themselfs.


but yea.. another wait for any art.. that and im seeing a shrink!!

this shrink is pretty good, she doesnt seem like shes in it for the money.. i think she actualy wants too help... who knows maybe i can break out of that ackward shell im encased in and start having lots of dirty hot sex with strangers instead of sitting around in my room all day dreaming of having lots of dirty hot sex with strangers.

sad thing is...

everyone says im a good looking guy... but i can never get a good looking girl... well a good looking girl that will not cheat on me.. >_>

then agen that was only one time soo... i could be wrong about how all good looking girls are all dirty sluts, but yea thats my thing, i mean i wanna be like everyone else and go off having random sex.. somewhere deep down i need to kill that thing that prevents me from doing it like that, and maybe find the answears as to how to do that.. maybe im just over annalizing everything...

i dont know...

maybe its as simple as, 'hey your hot, lets have sex'

but if thats the case... then why dont i say that? hmm... being terrified of being shut down and pushed aside guess.. maybe... just maybe.. if i do that but keep at it, i will end up having alotta sex..

wow lol

im just one big fuzzy ball of sexual frustraition..

-SynisterWrath

i wanna learn different styles in art...

as well as proper animation.

help please. <3?

i r here..

x_x

So, today was a bad day.. bad in the sence that i feel like shit... why? i dont know maybe becouse of everything i did... i cant concentrait on anything my mind is numb, and my emotions are detached... shit keeps happening.. for instance... my grandfauther is dieing.. my computer just now decided its going to say the version of windows is not genuine.. i miss secondlife but i dont miss the drama.. i miss being able to hold someone... i hate being single, but i love it at the same time... i hate how i can be as depressed as i am and stuck in life with out option. and my ideas getting shot down...

all this time i thought people where the problem and that it would be better for me to void all people aside from thouse close to me... ive dropped soo many things i like to do, things that i would love to do agen... i feel weak... wasnt always like this, there was a point in time where i was actualy kinda ripped.. but now its like i dont even know how to explain it...

i hate how hard it is to connect with anyone emotionaly and mentaly, and not being able to read people.. someone could flirt with me and i wouldent even know it, thats how bad this is... im soo anti social im a compleat recluse with a side of hermit.. its like all the fun things in life have evaperated through my hands.. my sister doesnt want me to date any of her friends my mom wants me to get a job and my dad well wants to bond but its hard when im having trouble dealing with my own issues..

i feel soo ackward... i feel misunderstud i feel like im being judged like there is a barrior around everyone else that im not allowed to cross.. life fucking sucks.. and its all sinking into my brain.. i dont kno why i choose here to express it... i lost alotta of my other internet friends when i quite secondlife... my family wouldent understand about my feeligns.. yet thease same feelings work in a number of other ways.. i get horribly angery, at how things have turned out... looking back things i could have done differently..

i wish i was outgoing and could hold conversation with out flaw or that pause that sometimes happens.. i feel like running away but theres no where to go, theres nouthing out there for me... the real world is broken in ruin through my eyes and most of the people out there as well just as cruel and twisted as how i see the world. i guess im just ranting.. but i have no other outlet... i dont do drugs.. (would be nice to excape reality..) i dont cut myself (yet agen would be nice to excape the mental pain.) i dont drink excessively (expensive habbit and my liver is already begging for me to stop drinking soo much coffee.) i dont smoke anymore.. (im not going to lie, sometimes i miss it.. the simplicity... and the idea that i could be ending myself slowly struck me as a plus..) i dont know what to think..

im 23 and a child... im not a adult not by a long shot.. i never got that chance in life.. and im still treated as one.. i could be pretty messed up in the head.. after all i was raised up mostly on the internet..

fuck..

i hate myself the most...

i hate how im not able to say my mind, or how when uncomfertable i black out and walk away.

or when angery i get chocked up..


thease anti depressants help but thay cant stop my mind from thinking about thease things..

the anxioty medication helps to keep me calm and somewhat stable... but even thay cant stop my mind from running over clocked and over heated burning out or short curciting.

sometimes i think i need professional help.. but i highly doubt anyone could fully grasp me and all my issues, all my flaws.. all my mental images, the reels of video that over play through my mind.. the tears i cant cry couse all the fucking coffee i drink has dehydrated me soo much..

im at a dead end...

i have no excape..

and this hole i keep digging...

sooner or later there realy will be no excape..

yea going to stop for awhile, playing games atleast im going to force myself into drawing once more as well as hopefully getting healthyer right now ? im underweight by 20 pounds, from not eating as much and ive been getting angery at this game i play becouse lead shots suck. life was much simpler when i was drawing. relaxing even. anyways yea alotta talk about 'oh im going to do this' or 'dont worry ill start drawing agen.' but ive not actualy sat down and continued to draw like i did when i signed up. or persued learning more about the programs i have that are taking up 20+ gigs on my computer. anyways yea im not going to say im going to do this becouse id get repeditive.. id rather show it through action. anyways. yea.

-SynisterWrath

Yea... spent awhile sick as fuck prolly something like i dont know.. namonia? no idea what it was but i was coughing and sick and it sucked.. but yea...

anyways guys prolly dont care.. its alright, kinda having a anger problem as well... anyone heard of 'Lead' in First person shooters? its like you have to predict where thay are going to be.. its stupid as fucking hell.. been playing a game thats pissing me off couse people can kill me in two shots sometimes even one, and yet here i am emptying clip after clip of shotgun at there face and no death.. now.. this is where leading comes in, you have to know where thay are going to move and shoot ahead of them... which is bullshit... no one should have to do that, i mean like in CSS (counterstrike source) you can drag bullets which is a hell of alot better then trying to predict the future and shoot where thay are going to be.. hmm maybe im just ranting.. at this rate though... im only going to get super depressed if i keep playing this game.. but unfortunatly.. its the only one of its kind... yet.. suppose to come out with a secondone with no lead which would be... SOOOOO much better.. anyways all this depression.. think im going to go get drunk or something, but yea... about my art and stuff... NO idea when im going to fall back into that.. its just... i dont know.. the more i play games that piss me off the more i wanna play them to own at them.. its a vicious cycle.. pretty bad... ugh..

but yea.. hmm... might find some rp rather then moping around.. dont know yet.. eitherway imma go find some of feel good juice.

Welp right now im kinda out of it tired as hell dehydraited from coffee and i dont think i can think right lol my eyes are burning.. but hmm... i do wanna get this first chapter done, but i dont wanna make it sloppy. After i do finish this first chapter i might head back into flash to try some shit out, hell might attempt to intergrate the comic into scenes. hell i dont know lol ill figure something out but thats kinda my plan right now.. ill type it up in a short list.

1. get mini comic done.

2 work with some flash attempt to get better with it and learn how to make animations more fluid and natrual rather then what i had been doing before.. or perhaps i might do it page by page, havent tried it that way yet soo might help but i already know its going to take a longer time that way. anyways.

3. figure out some more plot twists to the next chapter of the comic, aka a new mini comic after it, and the working on the pin ups some new flash and ext.

this is all speculation but the best thing i have to keep on track right now im pretty tied lol soo im prolly goin to bed but yea. just soo you know ive not died or anything.. lmfao although that experiance might be fun... hmm.. *ponders some* anyways sleep time :V

-SynisterWrath

Soo yea its been like a week and a half since i had a regular normal cigerett, i have this electronic cigeret which smokes like a normal cigeret yet its safer becouse your not breathing in smoke, your breathing in water vapor with nicatine. Soo yea havent been able to focus real good (been drinking a shit load of coffee as well lol) soo ive not been working on the comic or anything.

ill get to it when im confident that i wont get my nerves shattered and end up going back to a pack a day lmfao.

Anyways just thought id let you guys know. xD

-SynisterWrath

Soo.. i didnt do much today at all.. spent most of the day out of my room and away from my tablet unintentionaly and now its almost 2 and ive not gotten one sketch im satisfied with aka ive been attempting to work on page 4.. ive been trying something new and its a real pain in the ass to get it perfect... as if proportions were not hard enough im trying to angle the view abit.. not going to get into details to give it away but its something i do need to work on.. and i do plan to perfect it...

ive been drawing all my life and it seems like ive only just begun my art. im sure ill get it all down with time.. but if it took me this long to get where i am today..... well ill just have to try alot harder and work entire days on refining my technique as well as figuring out photoshop abit more becouse that about 75% of the main problem, all the awsume shit you can do with it and ive barely scratched the surface.

on a side note, today im going to a party which sucks... being somewhat of a hermit... i find solace in solitude, and being around soo many people at once ill definatly need to pop some anxioty meds. all that aside, the main fail about that is i wont be here attempting to perfect this new view on art.. worse yet, i dont know when ill be back tomarrow.. i dont know maybe im just working myself up over nouthing but is realy eating away at me.. i doubt ill be able to sleep all that well tonight.. ive been staying up to well past 5am for the past week, and honestly i dont know why. i mean i am in bed sometimes around 2 - 3am, but it takes me that long to fall asleep? ugh.. what a brain fizzle..

well i guess i sould try and sleep soo im not all bent out of shape tomarow anymore more then i feel like im going to be...

P.S. i think i might just need to get laid or something.. lol. xD

-SynisterWrath

hmm furcadia... hmm... hmm... hm... >.>

yeup imma hop on there to seek some rp. o_o

Soo yea imma make a comic about bioshock 2, ive got the first page drawn out ive not inked it yet and over all i think im going to draw out the next couple of pages first before i get down and into adding detail into them and color. i think i got the story pretty much worked out...

* ShadowScar helped pushing me towards doing this, and has given some good ideas as well!

im pretty sure this will turn out pretty epic, infact soo much soo that it might abit alittle longer then a 'normal' mini comic. perhaps 15 pages, still not sure yet, most of it is still inside myhead soo im going to have to wright down the story soo i wont forget.

hmm.. got some more ideas poppin in my head as im typing here.. soo just wanted to say this lol might take a break soon after i get the story down, and see whats going on in the real world. xD

-SynisterWrath

well im all situated with windows 7 and almost all my stuff back, well mainly photoshop and that.. ended up getting the CS4 creative suit agen.. thats about 9 or soo possibly more gigs of space taken up on my harddrive... but... its worth it seeing how it was simple for me to just get the entire damned thing agen.. but atleast possibly in the future ill work out all the neat tricks with all the different things.. ive not even touched Fireworks or ilistraiter.. soo all in all ive got alot i can learn.. not to mention im finding out shit with photoshop every day... i mean fuck and flash is a fucking nightmare of homework.. i mean its going to be awhile till i get some epic flash... animating in general is a bitch.. trying to line shit up for each frame.. the patients you have to have to make sure everything is lined up.. (not to mention i suck at animation in general) i mean damn.. ill get better no doubt.. but thats awhile ahead of me.. hmm.. either way.. im pleased with the new found speed with my computer.. i intend to keep it that way... ive not installed any game... yet... might play some diablo 2 as im always a fan of the diablo serious blizzard realy need to release diablo 3 before i break down mentaly. but yea.. anyways..

-SynisterWrath