Well, since next year is the beginnings of Project Bearwolf, I've got all other components/materials figured out, save for ONE thing which continues to elude me, so I gotta get the word out to try and get some help. A good amount of fursuiters and builders watch me, so I'm hoping I'll get a hit.

I'm trying to find fur that's at LEAST 3-4 shades darker than the DF Solid Grey. Almost somewhat of a charcoal type of hue. Same pile length, if possible, slightly longer is fine, but would prefer it to not be shorter pile than the DF Grey. I've asked around and looked around and ordered swatches ... and I've not found a thing. >_<;;

So if anyone knows where to find fur like that, I'm aaaaall ears. Thanks in advance, dudes 'n' dudettes.

Zee move was successful, and more or less went off without a hitch! Net's now operational at the new abode and aaaaall is well! Just a lotta unpacking left to do, and helping clean up at the old house so my grandfolks aren't "left with the bill", so to speak. They can't resell a house that's still in disaster-mode, after all. o_O

So ... yeah. The resident bearwolf is back! *cheer*

Yyyyyyyep. 'Tis mah birfday. And how'd I spend it? Packiiiiiing. XD Tho thankfully? Tomorrow is THE day. We already got the moving truck stationed in the empty lot across the street of the old house ... and then it all FINALLY comes to fruition! XD

This week has been particularly UGH. Tuesday morning, my car got broken into, for starters. Driver's side window COMPLETELY smashed, glass all over the inside of the car (even as far as the back seats). Nothing stolen, thank god, tho whoever did it, DID rifle through my glove compartment, but likely didn't find anything of value worth taking, as everything in the car has been accounted for. BUT ... police never came to investigate, car insurance didn't cover it, and $215 out of mortgage savings later ... we hadda get the window repaired ourselves. We were just fortunate that we were able to find a shop that could do it that same day without over-charging us ridiculously. T_T;; Post-move, I'll make a new journal linking to the pictures i took on my cell phone of the horrible destruction I awoke to, so y'all can see just how bad it really was. >_<;;

Beyond that piece of drama, it's just been packing, packing, and still MORE packing. Which'll soon be followed by unpacking, unpacking, and MORE unpacking. Uuuuuuugh, can't wait for this to all be over. X_X

Just as a head's up, I'll be backing up my computer tomorrow and taking it over to the new place, and we likely won't have time to get all the internet stuff hooked up and running until at LEAST Sunday or Monday, so y'won't see me on in any way, shape, or form until I'm fully situated at the new house. So basically, next journal will be to let everyone know I'm back in business, -and- to show you guys those pictures. So stay tuned for that!

Aaaaand that's pretty much it for now. To all those who've seen not hide nor hair from my bearwolfie head for months and months now due to this move, just HANG tight for a liiiiiil' longer. The transition is FINALLY almost over! Miss you guys like crazy and can't wait to hang out again.

P.S.: I didn't realize until tonight that I hadn't updated the age on my profile info in 3 years. DERP. XB See? This is what happens when you get old--YOU FORGET THINGS!

......And this has been the BEST fuckin' election ever. START DRINKING, GUYS, ALCOHOL IS LIKE GARLIC AND CROSSES AGAINST MORMONS! SCARE 'EM BACK TO MASSECHUSSETS!

My country,' tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing;
Land where my fathers died,
Land of the pilgrims' pride,
From every mountainside leeeet freeeeeeeeedooooooom riiiiiiiiiing!

Oh my god, I'm BESIDE myself right now, I'm literally almost in TEARS with happiness. We're now literally standing on the threshold of our generation's most PIVOTAL achievement--Gay Rights.

FUCK you, Romney, for wanting to tell two people how to love. FUCK you, Ryan, for being such a misogynist piece of shit. And fuck the BOTH of you for being the most deliriously STUPID pair of fuckers to EVER run for office, with as laughably out of touch as you both are with reality. You both deserve each other, you religiously-bigotted uppity ball-snorting garglefucks. That the race was even as close as it was is INSULTING. Crawl back to the states you both came from, where we don't have to tolerate the stink of your bullshit anymore.

Oh, and here, losers ... a consolation prize: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m.....9eupo1_500.jpg

Now not sure how many RPers watch me, but I figure that even those who don't likely know people who -do-, so this isn't a wasted effort.

This is in regards to an RP community that's run and hosted by my ex-girlfriend,  sinestra (whose since left FA permanently, as of the break-up). Despite her sentiments about me, I've never once bidden her any ill will. I've respected her desire to not want to talk to me, and have left her alone, as she wishes. But every now and then, I've still kept tabs on her RP site.

Why? Because regardless of how badly things ended between me and her, I still harbor a great deal of respect for what she's trying to accomplish through this site, and I can't, in good conscience, stop supporting that cause, just because she hates my guts over a split-up. No, I'm not trying to garner favor from her. If she still resents me for what happened, that's completely within her right. She can go on not talking to me forever, if that's what she wants. But even still, I'm going to do my best to help her site flourish, behind the scenes, so that I stay out of her way, for as long as that's what she still wants. It's a damn good site. And she's poured a lot of time, effort, and financial resources into making it the best that she can, and I feel that regardless of how I disagree with how she handled things when we broke up, it's a cause worthy of support. My feeling scorned can't keep me from doing the right thing.

That being said, I've slowly been noticing a decline in activity on the site, and a severe lack of new members. Literally a WEEK has gone by, in some cases, where not a single new post or bit of activity will spring up. The chat is silent for days at a time. Some even seem like they're losing interest and want to leave. THAT is the last damn straw, for me. I can't, and won't, sit idly by and watch her dream dwindle away to nothing.

This is the URL for her site:

http://merp.grou.ps/home

It caters to any and every sort of RP niche you can even begin to imagine. Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Halo, WoW, Guild Wars, you name it. Even anime stuff. Hell, it's even furry-friendly. It's a fantastic site that deserves to flourish and prosper, into a community where all RPers can find refuge and other fellows to RP with. It's a true haven for those who desire a creative outlet, among others who share their interests. It could become something truly great, but it needs help. It needs support. She's one gal with a small staff, and she just can't make it happen on her own.

So if you or someone you know like to RP and have been looking for a community for [Insert Franchise Of Choice Here]-related roleplay, then MyStory is THE place for you. Seriously, you'll make this bearwolf very happy if you do.

...When the photo I submitted of my engagement ring gets removed by an admin.

Gonna shut up before I say something regrettable that can't be taken back, or I get myself banned by "badmouthing the establishment", in the midst of my indignant venting. So ... Iiiii'm gonna shoosh myself this time.

If you all want to see the ring from here on out, you'll hafta visit my Facebook (link to it is in my contact info).

*sigh*

So in the grips of insomnia, decided to dust off ME3 for the first time in over 4 months and download all the multiplayer DLCs I'd missed, so I could get caught up for a bit.

Collectors. Are. ASSHOLES.

That is all.

I think I've finally lost what little remains on my mind...

http://furrymate.com/dating/Synhowl

Figured "why the fuck not?" and decided to give it a whirl. My mom found -her- current husband via online dating, so ... can't necessarily rule it out. Especially since I don't have the means to go out and actively -look- for women, and nor do I wanna be a creeper that comes onto every physically-attractive gal that I come across online. X3

So yeah ... we'll see where this goes. X_X

Never thought I'd be making one of "those" kind of journals, but ... heeeere we are. >_<;;

Ever since things bottomed-out with Sinestra a few weeks back, I've been pretty damn lonely, in the female companionship sense. Especially since even when I was -with- her I was always still pretty lonely. It was a long distance thing and she wasn't the affectionate type, so ... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I haven't really had what could be called an "outlet", in that sense. And no, I'm not just referring to doing the nasty, I'm talking about general affection and a basic human need to bond with a member of the fairer sex--regardless of whether it's full-on romping, or something as benign as cuddling or necking. Just ... -connection-, y'know...? To want and be wanted, in -that- way.

Now, I know what a lot of people are thinking ... "Syn, you greedy bitch, what about Pookin?" That pup is the most important man in my life. He's my light in dark places and I love him more than I'll ever have the words to describe. But to Pookin, him being a straight fella, I'm -always- gonna be the female, because that's my role, between he and I (how cruel would it be to force him into a "gay" relationship, just because I also identify as male?). But the fact of the matter is that I truly want someone to whom ... -I- can be the man. Someone with whom I can let the other half of me have its rightful place, in a way that I can truly and freely express -both- sides of myself. There's a whole other half of my heart that now hangs open and empty, and ... I have no one to occupy that place. I truly thought I'd found someone who finally could, but ... life happens. And now my heart has its king ... but no queen. =<

I guess I'm just ... lonely, in that sense. It's tough to pine for a certain kind of companionship and not be able to do much about it. It's not like I really have any local options to alleviate that void. No "foxy ladyfriends with benefits", or anything so fortunous. Tch, I -wish-. >_<;; I know it all boils down to time and patience, but ... when you've been without something you want that badly for so long ... and even when you give your heart to someone, that basic human connection still goes unfulfilled ... it's pretty damn hard to remain very patient for too much longer.

Tho to be fair, it's not like I even -have- the free time right now to really start trying to "date", while things are still on-going with the new house.*sigh*

SPEAKING of which...

--

In other news, work on the new house continues at a pretty good pace. Most of the rooms are fully painted, with the exception of 2 (one of which technically isn't even BUILT yet), as well as all the doors and trims. Our hope is to have everything that -can- be painted fully complete by either Monday or Tuesday, god-willing. From then on, we'll hafta set a priority order fir all the other stuff that still needs doing before we can settle in and then go from there. So far, we're still feeling pretty good about our tentative move-in deadline of first/second week of November. Even so, it's -still- tentative, as anything can happen to set us back, so we're planning for hiccups, but hoping they don't happen, LOL. 'Optimistically cautious', I guess you could say.

That being said, my free time and availability is still going to be just about non-existent for quite awhile yet, as I continue through all this. Once we're settled in and all the pre and post-moving mayhem is all squared away, then I won't be so hard to hang out and talk with, I promise. Just bare with me til November, as best y'can, guys. I'm not trying to push anybody aside, but it's literally just the four of us--me, Pookin, my mom, and my stepdad--taking on the majority of this (with the exception of the few times where awesome friends of mine and other family members have been able to donate a piece of their time towards helping us out, which we TRULY appreciate). It's actually more along the line sof just the 3 of us, as my stepdad is only able to help on weekends, as he works all week. So we really can't afford to be lax about all this, if we wanna get moved in ASAP. November seems like a long way away but ... it really, REALLY isn't. It's going to be October in just one more day. Time goes by -fast-.

So ... that's my lil' blurble for the night, while I'm still lucid enough to get my thoughts down in writing. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go pass out before the cycle starts all over again tomorrow. X_X;;

You ever braced yourself for the worst possible outcome ... but hoped with all your might that the other person would prove you wrong...?

I've never wanted to be wrong as badly as I do today ... but it's beyond the realm of my control. I can't change what others choose to say or do. It just sucks when you try to handle something as carefully as possible and it -still- blows up in your face. And in the end, their actions only serve to further validate my decision. I should be grateful ... but I'm not. Just horribly disappointed, because I was hoping I could expect better of them. To go out with some dignity and maturity. But instead ... well, here we are.

I asked for a ceasefire, and all I got was a war...

Some of you might have already noticed some changes by looking at my profile, but beyond that ... I'd really prefer not to go into details, publicly. Some things are just too touchy to discuss out in the open.

All I will say is ... it didn't happen as I'd hoped it would, but that can't be helped. I can only control what -I- say and do.

As I said in the previous two journals, it isn't all going to be sunshine and flowers. Some hard calls are going to have to be made along the way. But ultimately ... it's what needs to happen.

Holy balls, two journals in one night. Someone go check the thermostat in Hell.

Just ... some more reflections ... musings, if you will, as I undertake this new quest in my life. Hope you all don't oppose too much with me sharing 'em. Been keeping a lot of this to myself lately. A lot of this I haven't even verbalized to those closest to me. So here goes.

For quite a few years now, I've been feeling more like I've been existing than living. Existing on the frayed and tattered hope that -someday- I could be living. And time and time again, I've groped about in the dark, trying to seize a pawhold to climb my way out of the muck I'd fallen down into. And sometimes, I thought I had a good solid grip. That paw over paw, I was finally gaining ground. But eventually, it always slipped ... I'd fall back down into the mud ... and I'd have to start over. Other times, it wasn't a -complete- slip. I'd fall, but I'd catch myself and I could still keep trying to climb.

It's been awhile since I've hit dirt completely ... but over time, I've been gaining less and less ground ... slipping further and further back ... losing more and more progress. And it's made me despair. I'll spare you all the entire theatrical production, but the short version is that I've been passively allowing a lot of negativity into my life over time. I've also aggressively been -contributing- a lot of negativity into my life over time. When things finally struck an all-time low between my mom and my grandparents, that was was first sparked the initiative to start house-searching to finally move out. They reached a point where they realized that as much as they loved one another, they just couldn't be around one another ALL the time. And to be honest, at the time, I actually took the mention of moving rather badly. Saw it as yet -another- thing going wrong in my already-dismal life.

But the further into the "project" we delved ... the more we searched, the more we house-hunted, the more into it I got ... I began to see it as a blessing, not a curse. A chance to unplug from the horrendous rut I'd worked my life into over time, reconnect elsewhere, and start fresh. A reboot. Closer to the places I needed to go most, closer to the circle of friends I was beginning to foster, out of the awful overpopulated suburbs I'd lived in most of my life ... A complete and total facelift for my life. By about a few months ago, I was as excitedly into this as my mom was. Hoping ... waiting ... for the day when we would finally get a house.

When that day finally came this last week ... and that key came to rest in my hand ... It all. Finally. Clicked. Into. Place.

That very night, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep. While Pookin snored in bed next to me, I started taking a deep and thorough personal inventory of each and every aspect of my life. The good -and- the bad. Dug through all the resentments and squashed-down feelings I had stowed away and really and truly evaluated them. Not from a place of over-emotion ... not from a position of agony and despair ... but with a sound and reasonable mind--prolly for the first time in a VERY long time. I then sat down and really highlighted all the things currently going -right- in my life. Things that were better than they were before now, instead of worse. I began thinking of ways to accentuate those things, and use them as launchpads to -further- good things. All in all, it was rough. It brought up a lot of really deeply-seated painful topics that I had suppressed -so- far down, simply because I was so deep in denial. Or just simply couldn't handle it. I had to make a few hard calls. Diagnose the aspects of my life that weren't working or healthy for me, emotionally, and make changes that I never would have been able to before. I didn't feel ready.

But a very wise woman (my mother) has often tried to explain to me over the years that if we wait for ourselves to feel ready, it'll never get done. It's only now that the true significance of her words has hit me full-on.

We don't -wait- to be ready.

We -make- ourselves ready.

Right the hell now.

Some of it will come easy. Smoothly. Like the soothing of a dull ache, and relief will come swiftly after. Others will sting at the first moment of impact but soon give way to to a sense of healing. Like the cleaning of a fresh wound. And others still will hurt like hell and burn like fire, all the way down. It'll be a struggle from beginning to end and I'll often have doubts as to whether or not it's truly the right thing to do. But it's all said and done, and the smoke clears ... when I finally see it through ... I'll know that every ounce of pain, every flicker of weakness, only strengthened my resolve and set me further on the path to being truly free. Whole. Rejuvenated. Ready. I'll come out on the other side a brand new person.

With my family, close friends, and my beloved Pookin by my side, I'm determined to take my stand and reclaim my life. OUR life. I won't keep losing ground. I won't keep trying over and over, one failure after another. I'm getting OUT of here, where I -need- to be. I'm ready to open myself up to all life has to offer. Love, success, fulfillment ... all of it.

And by whatever god you all believe in, I hope you're ready, too ... because I'm about to hit the ground running like many of you haven't seen in a VERY long time. And that some of you haven't seen ever.

Hold onto your butts.

Well, now I can finally make this official...

As of Friday, moving preparations are now underway. My mom and stepdad had been searching for a place to move to for over a year now, but there's never really been much success. A lot of close ones, too, that fell through near the very end, but we kept trying. Now, finally ... we have our new home. For the benefit of Florida locals, it's in Homestead. Puts us world's closer to Pookin's family and our school, as well. And the community is truly a breath of fresh air, compared to where we are now. Moving Day can't come soon enough.

We're quite a way's away from that, tho. A lot of cleaning, painting, and repairing/updating, and conversion work has to happen before we can finally move in. We estimate to be in the new place by around the first or second week of November. Pics will definitely be forthcoming, as we continue to work on the place. Friday was when we finally closed on the house and got our key, and Saturday was a sort of "pre-housewarmig" get together with the family. Brought some tables, fold-up chairs, ordered some pizzas, got some drinks ... just a nice lil' impromptu gathering to celebrate the event. Then the real work began. All of today was spent cleaning the place up, top to bottom. There's still a lil' more cleaning left tomorrow, but once that's out of the way, tomorrow will also be day 1 of painting. With any luck, that should only take us a few weeks to finish completely. Baby-steps, baby-steps, baby-steps.

This is step one in what's going to be a continual series of new beginnings, as I move forward in an effort to hit the proverbial "restart" button on my life, by changing the things that don't work and nurturing the things that do. Day by day, I get closer and closer to where I truly want to be in life. And this weekend has been a first and very critical step, in that regard. But even so, it's but the first of many. Some easier than others, but all necessary, if I'm going to make the most of my life, while I still can.

...Guild Wars 2 has stolen my soul. And I so don't care, loving Charr FOREVER.

Had an awesome day out with a friend. Come home, get online, get bummed out by something, mood is now soured for rest of evening.

Bummer. =<

Worst od all ... it's one of those situations that basically boils down to "this isn't going to change or get better, so you have to either choose to accept it ... or decide you're unable to, and get out of it". And i don't feel emotionally capable of making that call right now ... really not. *sigh*

And no, none of this has anything to do with the last journal, me and Pook are fine.

.........So he did:

http://tinyurl.com/synring

What started out as an amazing 10th year anniversary date turned into something completely magical. After taking me to a spectacular restaurant called Hillstone in Coral Gables, he took me to Town & Country--the place of our very first date, August 5th, 2002. There, we walked around a bit, recalling so many beautiful memories, and then he took me out onto the bridge overlooking the large lake in the center of the place--something we had never done, and he wanted to take a picture of me out there--me still not suspecting a thing, totally convinced that there was no way that this was going to end up being a proposal.

After he takes the picture, he starts talking to me about all the changes going on in our lives--the upcoming move within the next several months, finishing our education, working towards a future ... and then he went on to say how one of the greatest regrets in his life is not being able to do more for me, and not being able to give me all the things he wishes he could, which was why it was so important that today be as special as possible. I then told him that he had already made it -very- special ... to which he asked me if I was sure about that, and whether or not there was a way he could make it even -more- special. I begin to get suspicious, but not wanting to get my hopes up, I asked how he planned on doing that.

He then told me that he isn't a very traditional kind of guy, but that there was something important that he wanted to do, but that I needed to close my eyes first. When I opened them ... the love of my life is down on one knee. The love of my life is holding a ring box in his outstretched hands.

And as I absolutely lose it, right then and there, he says to me that, again, he isn't a traditional man ... but if I would marry him. I think you all can guess what my (very tearful) answer was. ^_~

To say that this was the best day of my life ... would be the MOTHER of all understatements. I love you so much, my beloved pup. I'm honored to spend the rest of my life by your side as not only your mate, but your wife.

So since the job Pook had remained at hasn't given him a single shift for the past 3 weekends, his Plan B isn't available until school starts back uo for his nephews (long story short, but his sister is going to hire him as a chauffer for her kids to bring them home from school, since his dad is too sick to drive anymore), my family's all tapped out, and funds are dwindling down to nothing ... I gotta bring in income somehow, or else we're going to be in a very bad place. X_X

So I'm opening up for quick sketchy commissions, $10 a pop, an extra $5 for each additional character, and they'd be done and uploaded the same day/night you commission me for them. I'll work my stubby lil' tail off all night if I gotta, to stay afloat. XD

So hit me up for a commish, if you wanna help out, or if you can't, pass the word around. Every bit of helping helps. =3

Who knows ... maybe this situation is fate's way of getting me out of my funk, by putting me to work and get me drawin'.

[[Dead relationship is dead, so the existence of this journal's contents is now utterly pointless. But I don't believe in deleting journals, so enjoy this nice placeholder, instead.]]

One of my very special little girls crossed Rainbow Bridge today ... my beloved Amber has joined the countless others that have crossed before her. Free of pain, free of the limitations presented by an aging and ailing body ... free of all mortal frailty...

I knew this day would come ... I thought I had prepared myself for it, but ... the reality of it is hitting me -so- hard. She was -so- important to me, in a way very few would understand, until they knew the whole story...

...Amber was the old little girl that helped me recover from the loss of Daisy, and reminded me of her in -so- many ways. She was a banged up little thing. Missing several teeth, a horrible-sounding meow, an arthritic tail ... but she was -always- so beautiful to me. Her wise understanding soul and empathetic heart made her larger than life. Her loyalty and sense of obligation towards those that she loved was unwavering. She helped me through -so- many horrible and difficult times. Always worrying about me and wanting so genuinely to understand what was wrong and wanting to somehow make it better. She would listen and stare with such human-like intensity that one couldn't help but speak to her as and treat her as a human being. There was no way -not- to.

She was my furry little grandma. My anchor in a roiling sea of chaos. And tonight ... I'm broken and lost...

Oh, Amber ... how can I heal when the one who always helped me through is the one that I'm mourning...? How can I pick up all the pieces of my broken heart, without you there...? All I want more than -anything- is to feel you pawing at my arm or my face, to try and get my attention ... the way you always did whenever you'd see me cry ... I need you more than ever ... I'm despairing so -damn- hard...

Why did life have to take you away from me...? I wasn't ready ... I wasn't ready...

...Buuuuut I'm not. This is -not- a good night ... Insomnia, dealing with some ... -pretty- heavy shit right now, with a friend I've hit a snag with ... weeks worth of stress mounting up higher and higher ... and overall just trying not to succumb to a very long-overdue nervous breakdown. Especially with physical (had a horrible cold most of last week) and emotional (the aforementioned stress issues) sickness keeping me from being able to do much of -anything- to escape the panicked lil' hole I've cornered myself into.

I really don't know how I'm holding on anymore. Just so much stress stacking on top of me the past few weeks...

Doesn't help that the job has turned out to be utter unworkable crap. The communication/scheduling is GARBAGE. It's a "call in the morning and we'll tell you if you're working that day" type of situation, not a set-in-stone schedule, and a lot of important facts keep being misinterpreted ... still no first paycheck, for example, and no clearly-stared reason why it's so late.

And when they -do- have work for us, the shifts are just -far- more than I was looking for. I was looking for something with 6-8 hour shifts. They want three 10-hour shifts in a ROW. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. The ENTIRE weekend, morning to night. With my insomnia and frazzled nerves, that's just -far- too brutal. Especially when it's too far and few in between to even be able to adjust over time.

Suffice it to say, this just isn't going to be workable. Pook already has a viable Plan B lined up (and is sticking with this job at least until that Plan B is 100% concrete), but ... I've got to pound the pavement all over again. It's discouraging, but not why I'm stressing so bad. Found a job once, I can do it again. Quitting the current job actually brought me a large measure of relief. But the other situation makes that relief very short-lived. I'll spare you the soggy depressing details, but ... I'm in the midst of trying to pull a 3-year long friendship from the brink of collapse, and to put it mildly, I'm falling apart at the seams.

Not so much depression, but just ... a -lot- of rage, triggered by feelings of helplessness and fear. It's been boiling slowly beneath the surface, leaving me more agitated an annoyed, on the outside, rather than the impending explosion that's concealed beneath the surface. I try to keep it squashed, but it gets harder and harder with each passing day. And tonight ... it's a -very- volatile situation. It's a fragile semblance of restraint, at best. I'm trying ... I'm trying SO hard to find calm. But with fury and anxiety trying to to burst for freedom like two scared rabbits trying to run out the same hole, it's hard...

I'm having to deal with it in my own way tonight ... because "supposedly" Pookin works tomorrow (he still has to call to verify in the morning), and I can't jeopardize the sleep that he needs to function tomorrow, all because I'm coming undone...

I'm doing my damndest to focus on the positives. Like what we'll be doing with our checks when they come in (it's -supposed- to be today finally that they come in) and our 10th year anniversary coming up on the 5th of the next month. It's ... a -huge- milestone, given everything we've been through together.

That man has weathered -so- many horrible, horrible storms at my side ... Stood by me when -any- other sane human being would have turned and run ... puts up with -so- much of my ridiculous crap ... kept faith in me, no matter how far I fell ... Sometimes I question whether or not I deserve him, but I don't know how I'd survive if here wasn't here. He's my sanity, my rock when I have nowhere left to stand ... my everything.

Sorry to come back with more depressing downer bullshittery, but ... life really isn't playing fair lately. When I pick myself back up in the aftermath of this situation I'm having with that friend, I'll be in a somewhat stronger place. I promise. It's just that there's still a lot of unknowns and there's still no clear answer whether or not we're going to weather the storm ... but for better or worse, I need to come out the other side before I can start to heal. Whether with him or without him...

I swear I'm not always such a dark whiny jackass. >_<;;

Snatched from  kwolf13

1.) If your fursona had to be a primate, it'd be: Baboon, cuz they're pretty scary-lookin'. >.>

2.) If your fursona had to be a feline, it'd be: Smilodon, fo' sho'.

3.) If your fursona had to be a canine, it'd be: Well, I'm half-canine now and used to be full wolf, so to pick somethin' more interesting/different ... I'd say a dhole. =3

4.) If your fursona had to be a hoofed animal, it'd be: Caribouuuuuuu!

5.) If your fursona had to be a rodent, it'd be: Chinchilla. TOTALLY.

6.) If your fursona had to be reptile, it'd be: Not sure if dinosaurs count (being related to birds and all) but is so, a Succhomimus. If not, then a crocodile.

7.) If your fursona had to be a marsupial, it'd be: Kangaroooooooo!

8.) If your fursona had to be a fish, it'd be: Catfish, cuz they're cute lil' mofos.

9.) If your fursona had to be an amphibian, it'd be: Tree frog. So cuuuuute! ^.^

10.) If your fursona had to be an avian/bird, it'd be: Raven, no doubt about it!

11.) If your fursona had to be a creepy crawly, it'd be: Oooooo, a Rhinoceros Beetle!

12.) If your fursona had to be a hybrid, it'd be: I'm already a hybrid! XD

13.) If your fursona had to be a mythical creature, it'd be: Dragon, totally.

14.) If your fursona had to be a Pokemon, it'd be: Don't really follow much Pokemon-related stuff anymore, but Zoroark seems like a fitting choice.

15.) If your fursona had to be a plant, it'd be: Plantsonas are weeeeeird, but I guess I'd go with a Morning Glory vine. XD

Hey, just trying to "touch base", so to speak, as things have been ... a blur, really. A very, very sleep-deprived mind-muddling blur.

I'm trying to remember when the insanity all started ... I think around my first day of training, give or take. It's all just been so non-stop, that I just can't remember the last time I came up for air. An -actual- breath, not a desperate fleeting gasp before going back under. Between work and being social again, and doing it all on next to no sleep because of horrible insomnia causing a further inability to focus on anything once the activity has come to a halt ... my memories of activities that have passed for over a week now are little more than a confusing fast-paced haze.

I honestly can't remember any -truly- lucid moments of actual free time, where I did any "me stuff" that I was actually able to enjoy for any extended period of time without my brain swiftly flat-lining in the attempt. A lot of people whose only way of getting a hold of me is online have barely heard a -thing- from me in a long while, and I'm usually very on top of that throughout the day, nearly -every- day. I don't like that all of that is beginning to fall by the wayside due to my own addle-brained derping. I have a real-world social life, that's true. And that's very important to have, to be a healthy, mentally-sound human being ... but there are people in my life who are -equally- important to me that I -can't- physically interact with. And it simply isn't fair for them to just be pushed out of the picture like this.

And nor is it healthy for me to keep pushing myself at this manic pace, without a moment to recollect myself. I've gone from one extreme to the other. At first, I was hermitting, out of emotional instability and psychological destruction, caught in the grip of a stifling depression (from which, admittedly, I'm still working my way out of, albeit prolly not in the best of ways, given my level of sensitivity lately). Now, I'm going full-throttle, pedal to the floor, without a single moment's pause. I need to slam on the brakes...

Tomorrow is my last scheduled work day for this weekend. After that, I'm going to be -entirely- unavailable IRL for the rest of this week, as I force my mind to finally stop spinning and come to a long-awaited merciful halt. Means I'm gonna hafta cancel some things that I had originally been planning on doing, but ... enough is enough.

During this time, I will sit down and construct an alternating "schedule" of my real-life activities from week to week, balanced as harmoniously as possible with my online ones, while allowing time in between to myself to "recharge". Because what's happening is a self-feeding cycle. My insomnia is triggered by stress. And I'm stressed because I'm unable to rest in between my activities. And the less I sleep, the less mentally functional I become, and thus becoming further stressed. And so on, and so on, and so on.

I need to find balance, during what's still a really delicate time for me. I've ... been through a lot. For a -very- long time, and it's taken a toll. I can't "handle" as much as I used to, for as long as I used to be able to. 5+ days a week of constant go, go, go for over 6 hours in most cases is just too much stimulus for me when I'm in such a vulnerable state. But likewise, huddling away in a dark corner without any activity at all is just as toxic, and so there needs to be balance. HEALTHY balance.

A lot of people very much want my time and attention, and are clammering to want to spend time with me, either online or real-life. Please, please, PLEASE don't feel bad or guilty for wanting to spend time with me or talk to me. It really does mean a lot to me that people care about me and miss me -that- much. And within moderation, I -really- enjoy it very, very much. But regretfully ... I'm just one bearwolf, shouldering a -lot- of things right now, and I can't be everywhere at once, in a perpetual state of go. Not without making myself physically and psychologically ill.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna vanish on anybody I just ... need to return myself to sanity, so I can be a good friend/mate/family member to the people who care about me. I don't like how scatter-brained and prone to memory loss and fatigue I've become as of late. The fact that I can scarcely recall any specific details further back than a day or two at a time really ... scares me. And literally being "too tired to sleep" just feels utterly insane to me ... but it's been nothing but true, for a long while.

So ... gimme a chance to "cool down", guys, and squeeze in some "me time" while I try to ground myself and reintroduce some order into this chaos I've worked myself into. I prolly won't be updating with any new journals until I finally have everything sorted out, but little by little, people who haven't heard from me either online or through texts will finally start getting messages from me again during my downtime, as my mental stability returns through a state of calm and restful sleep (for a change).

Hope you guys can be patient with me, while I try to sort this mess out and get my psychological state out of 'tarded mode. Just ... gimme some time.

HNNNNNNNNNRGH, want this so baaaaaaaad:

http://nerdcityonline.com/2011/07/2.....four-horsemen/

Why is this not in stores yet?! Why, why, whyyyyyy? *wails and rolls around on the ground*

With some customization and modding, this would make a -perfect- figure of my new Kenku DnD character. So much sadneeeeeeeess! =<

Four Horsemen, I am disappoint. Hurry th' fawk up. >=|

First of all, a fond "welcome back' to all those who went to AC! I'm super sadface that finances have left me Anthrocon-less for yet another year, but all anyone can ever do is try and maintain a positive outlook and hope for the next year. All the same, truly hope that a good time was had by all.

As for me, last few days have been reeeeeally crazy. Me and Pook's first day of training at the new job was this past Friday, Saturday was an early Father's Day party (a lot of family members weren't going to be available on Sunday, so Saturday was the only way we could all be together), and then Sunday I went over to  jerichowing's house to do some DnD.

Monday, my dad came down to Miami from Orlando, so went out to lunch with him at Olive Garden and got to really touch base and get caught up. Haven't done that in ... well ... years, really. Long story, but ours tends to be a very ... strained type of relationship. We're two very different people from two very different worlds, but even if he can be egotistical, blunt, and dickish at times, he really does do his best to look out for me and support me in his own way. He was nice enough to leave me with some money to last me until me and Pook's first paychecks come in, which I -really- appreciated.

Was able to get myself a good amount of food supplies and things that I've been needing/wanting for awhile but always kept having to put off, which was a very welcomed relief. Even so, trying to pace myself as best I can, and keeping the splurging to a minimum. In total, this was all the personal stuff I got:

Magic Starter Deck (the Wolfir one from the Avacyn Restored set, which a friend of mine helped me customize Monday night)
Card Sleeves & Matching Box for the new deck (OMG, Green Mana Iron Gate design, squeeeeee! ^o^)
A New Hoodie (got it on clearance from Target for only $7.48 =3)
A Kenku DnD Miniature (yep, Jeri, I finally broke down and ordered one online today for only $1.25 with $2.35 First Class shipping, LOL)
Small pack of Green Stuff modeling epoxy (I plan on doing a custom mod job on the Kenku figure when it comes in the mail in a few days)
Metallic Silver Acrylic Paint (again, for modding/customizing the miniature, once it arrives)
Two Wifebeater Shirts (I desperately needed more of these things for when I "dude out")
Pack of Boxers (same as above; and also they're soooooooo ... friggin' ... -comfortable- *rolls around happily*)
Mega Monster Energy Drink (cuz after a week of not having any, I was on serious withdraws, LOL)
2 Dove Dark Chocolate Bars (they were 2 for $1.29 at Walgreens, so I caved XD)

And with that, no more splurging on goodies until they paychecks come, I already feel like I went a little overboard. XD But ... when you go months and months with only ever having enough money to eat and refill the car with gas, it feels -really- good to finally be able to get recreational things and supplies that don't involve food. X_X

Still have a good amount of savings, too, so we're in a very good and stable position for the present time.

As far as busy-ness goes, now that holidays/special occasions are over, I'm gonna try and be more available, both online and off, but with the new job, that may not be so easy. Especially once I'm able to re-register for class again in the Fall Term, come September. =/ So really gonna hafta take advantage of the fact that I'm unregistered for the Summer Term, which leaves my weekdays a lot more free and available.

But at the same time, don't wanna overwhelm myself, so I ask that y'all be as patient with me as you can muster as I try to balance all the changes going on in my life, alongside working through depression. I promise that things'll settle soon and I won't be so hard to get a hold of. XD

So that's pretty much it, in a nutshell! Just wanted to fill everybody in, and just pass along the good word and happy times.

*group hug*