This is a nightmare. Discord was doing weird shit today, like restarting over and over and over again every 5 seconds. I tried removing some caches from the Discord folder, I tried using CCleaner, I tried restarting my computer, I tried to find my BIOS and couldn't...nothing worked. Then, I just uninstalled Discord to try and reinstall it...and guess what? It freaking won't let me even REINSTALL IT TO MY COMPUTER! I've tried five times to reinstall Discord after downloading it from their official site, for my desktop computer, and...it keeps giving me an error message. I'm trying to use Discord on my browser...and it's 'letting' me, but...it keeps doing the 'restarting every 5 seconds' issue again. I tried to ask Reddit for help...and someone said: "Seems like Discord killed off something with old OSes like 7 and 8 today. I use Windows 10 but had been using Windows 7 compatibility mode for the program, and it stopped working today and I had to disable the compatibility mode."

I use Windows 8...so I NEED A WHOLE FREAKING NEW COMPUTER AT THIS POINT?!?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! First I can't use Steam anymore, then I can't use certain browsers anymore, AND NOW I CAN'T USE DISCORD ANYMORE?!?! I HAVE HUNDREDS OF FRIENDS ON THERE! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I'm at my wit's end. I'm already dealing with my legal issues that most of you know about (me and my mother fighting for our house and not being kicked out into the street), and my diabetic animals, and my body problems, and much more. This is NOT what I needed. I just want to cry. Everything is being taken away from me.

Well, today is my 34th birthday. Somehow, I survived another year on this hell hole of a planet. I'm still stuck in a battle to stay in my home, with my mother, and there are nonstop challenges in my life that never stop. But, hey, I'm alive. So happy birthday to me, right?

Well, my 34th birthday is coming up on the 15th. I'll just see who bothers to care.

So, not to start off a journal about story trades with such heavy shit, but...me and my mother are still in an ugly legal battle for our home. We've been served the official eviction papers from the court, and are quickly in the process of trying to 'answer' the lawsuit and send it back, and we might be trying to get $5,000 to give to a lawyer so he could take our case...but we don't have any money, so one of my mother's friends suggested that she "try and borrow $500 from 10 friends", which my mom is so weak and shy and humble that she is heavily struggling to do. Oh, and my mother is constantly melting down, sobbing, not eating, not sleeping, physically hurt, and forgetting things all the time (she literally put her keys in the door to the house today...then quickly turned around and screamed out "WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!?! DID I LEAVE THEM IN THE CAR?" It was a really embarrassing...yet horrible and scary scene). So, like...yeah, me and my mother are going through hell. We're living day to day, not knowing if we're gonna be in our home tomorrow...and what will happen to our precious animals...and our millions of items we have IN our home that we can't possibly hope to move, not even with 100 moving vans, that might get thrown out by the state if we're kicked out...AND we have no money for renting any place or buying. It's...it's a living hell. I wouldn't wish any of you to go through this.

So, with all that said...who wants to do story trades? Sorry, I'm not going to ask any of you for money...I feel dirty doing that, kinda like my mom does...PLUS I simply can't. I can't set up a Paypal account online; I've tried, and they immediately blocked me when I tried to connect it to my bank...for some bizarre reason. So, like...I literally cannot accept money from people online...unless you just physically mailed it to me in an envelope...which we're not in the 1950s anymore, so I know none of you want to do that. So...with all the stress and misery I'm going through...I'm just trying, TRYING to remain happy anyway I can. I know I can't just ask things from people for free, since nobody likes to just do requests...but I really want more stuff involving Josh (my main character) in kinky situations. People don't roleplay that much with me, if at all, anymore...and I keep getting unfairly banned from other places (F-List, Eka's Portal, Discord server rooms) because people treat me like shit and I'm fed up with it at this point in my life and I snap back at them...and you all know how it is: the one who retaliates is the one who gets punished, not the one who instigates. We all learned this brutal lesson in school.

So, yeah, who would want to do a story trade? My only rules would be:

1. It must involve Josh in some fashion. I'm sorry, but again, at this point in my miserable life, I just want to be happy in whatever way I can. And, I really just do not enjoy writing things that do not involve my character in SOME fashion. So, whatever you ask for...please just let Josh be involved in SOME fashion.

2. No cock vore, blood/gore, pregnancy, lactation, herms (or whatever the 'proper' term for them are nowadays), or watersports (urine). Most other things I can try to work with.

Those are my main rules when it comes to asking for something. As for what I would ask for...typically it would be Josh, with either your own character(s), or some canon characters that I love, doing kinky/sexy/naughty stuff...naturally if you were fine with it. So, if you're intrigued, please say so on this journal, or send me a note on here, or message me on Discord. Please. If you want to add me on Discord, my username is tailslover13 and if you want to join my Discord server, this is the link for THAT: https://discord.gg/mhWRFQUyGt

Yep. My bastard uncle served me and my mom with eviction papers to force us to have 30 days to move...and we can't. Me, my mother, our animals, our tons of stuff...we have nowhere to go. We don't have money for ANY sort of place. Our lives are basically over at this point. This fucking bastard forced my grandmother to sign something when she was alive that she had no clue what it was, and it granted him 'power of attorney' or something, so he wants to sell the land that me and my mother's house is on. My mother says that she was promised the house and it actually belongs to HER, but...our lives are pretty much over.

I know nobody online fucking gives a shit about me, since nobody even responded to my last journal, so I don't even know why I'm bothering to write this. I guess just leaving memoirs for when I really do vanish for good, which will likely be very, very soon.

So, my grandmother died on Sunday, July 28. Now granted I didn't really like the woman, but...seeing and listening to my mother sob and cry all day long broke my heart. My grandmother treated my mother like shit the whole time she grew up, and treated me like crap, too; I didn't even feel like a grandchild to her. But...she still has a lot of people that DO care about her, and that will be at her funeral sometime next week. Also, it means that my mother and I are likely gonna be kicked out of our home with no place to go, since the power of attorney belongs to my evil uncle now that my grandmother is dead and he's greedy for money and is gonna kick us out of our home to build apartments on the land. And, hearing my mother talk about "It's gonna be my turn next..." just made me want to cry. Not only because I don't want to be alive without my mother, the ONLY one that truly loves and cares about me, but...it'll mean I really will be all alone.

Eventually, my entire family...even the most distant ones...will be gone. And I will eventually die, all alone. I have nothing. All these people I've met online throughout the past 20 years...dozens, maybe even over a hundred, have blocked and removed me from their lives. I still look up my saved notes of them, on Deviantart and FurAffinity and any other place I have them stored, and I get so depressed, because despite the hardships we may've shared, I miss almost all of them. And I really just want them back. I don't WANT to 'move on'. Life is short, and can be over before you know it, so why push people away that really want to care about you? Everyone can change, if they want to.

I do meet new people now and then, but...it's just not the same. And it won't be the same when I eventually do die, whenever that may be. I used to be so much happier back in the late 2000s, early 2010s. Everything was going great. I had a lot of great things going for me and I was surrounded by a lot of people I loved and felt so happy with. But then...things just started to change. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. And, as much as everybody wants me to believe that I was the problem...I'm done believing that shit. I'm not gonna let people gaslight me into thinking it's always been me, me, me. My siblings and father tried to beat how worthless I was into me during my earliest years...people during my 12 years of school tried to beat it into me...so, I'm done letting people online tell me how 'awful' of a person I am when I know I'm not. I make mistakes like everyone else, I'm flawed like everyone else, but I'm not the monster people continue to label me as. And I never was.

I don't want to die alone. I want things to go back to the way they used to, and it's never too late to make that happen. I'm not going to let the past die, because once you let the past die...all you have left are memories. And I'll be damned if my life is nothing but memories. The past can be repaired and made into a better future. But I can't do it alone. I just need those of my past to come forward and see me, and let's fix things between us. I want to. And I'm willing to do anything to make it happen.

Yep, today is my 33rd birthday. I made it through another painful, miserable year!

NEW COMPETITION SERIES SIGN-UP

The internet’s greatest kink-based competition writer is back again! Yes, I’m talking about myself. And, yes, I’m very obviously joking, since I suck. And, before you start to question my sanity for trying to do another series after I’ve already failed to complete the past 10 or so that I’ve ATTEMPTED to do, allow me to say this: I don’t care. I’ll keep trying, and possibly keep failing, until I no longer feel like I’m a furry or a writer anymore. You can hate me for failing all you want, and refuse to support me all you want, but it doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop trying!

So, let’s get down to brass tacks. I’ll go over the general gist of what I’m looking for right now, for those of you who do not know or understand:

1. This is a competition-based, written series. Think of Total Drama Island, Survivor, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, The Challenge, Hell’s Kitchen, American Idol, stuff like that. I’m the one who writes the episodes, and I’m the only one having to do any work.

2. Basically, you will sign up ONE of your fictional characters that you have created using the application form at the bottom of this. You can only sign up ONE of your characters, so please pick a good one. I have my own preferences, but naturally you can still do what you want, at the end of the day.

3. With your permission of course (which is basically you filling out an application), I will use your character and 19-29 others (or just however many sign up, since I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch) and use them in the story. Naturally, one person will be eliminated each episode, typically in a kinky way. I decide who gets eliminated, either for story reasons, I’m just not really ‘feeling’ them as a character, you aren’t paying attention enough as a creator for my liking, or other reasons.

4. There is a 100% chance your character will be humiliated, teased, made to look weaker than they possibly are normally, made to look STRONGER than they possibly are normally, be forced into kinky or sexy situations, and more. If you are not okay with this, then either sign up a character you are more than fine with this happening to, or just don’t sign up. As a writer, I can’t be perfect; I can’t get a character down 100%. Plus, I might want to tweak a few things to my liking. Again, if you don’t like that, don’t sign up.

5. I don’t charge any money for this. It’s free. But, what I DO ask is for you to possibly write confessionals to go along with the episodes I post. What are ‘confessionals’? They’re basically mini-stories that YOU write for your character after I post an episode (if they’re still in it, of course). You essentially write them reacting to things that happened previously, engaging with other characters in the story (if I can use them, I’m sure other creators won’t mind you using them, too), dominating or wrecking my host character Josh (I really enjoy seeing this happen), and giving their thoughts on what they’re thinking going forward. It helps me get a better sense of what they’re like and what they might like to do going forward, which naturally helps give me story ideas, and it also helps to keep me motivated. Like, I might not charge money, but it would be nice if I got SOMETHING out of this, right? So mini stories that have my character involved, or just are ‘connected’ to what I’m doing, is really great. But, no, you don’t HAVE to do this; you aren’t required to write anything upon signing up. It’s just nice to see. Also, I WOULD like you to hopefully have Discord, and join a Discord channel so all the participants (and those who just want to be there, for whatever reason) can be there. This will help me gather confessionals, let people know when an episode is out, let people openly talk about episodes, roleplay with each other, and so on and so forth. So, I hope that’s okay! Again, if you DON’T have Discord, that isn’t a deal-breaker; I just would highly prefer you to have one.

6. The general layout and theme of this show is yet to be determined. It shouldn’t REALLY matter, since it generally doesn’t affect much other than the location and sorts of challenges involved…which are naturally things I write and do myself. But, if you want more details, this is more or less what is likely to happen. Around 20-30 players will sign up (if I’m lucky and God is smiling upon me for once), and I will separate them into 2, 3, 4, or 5 equal teams/tribes. Then, I will make interactions happen between everyone, and write out a challenge of some sort (such as doing a puzzle, singing a song, climbing a mountain, you name it). Again, I decide on who wins, and how all the players perform; if your character says or does things that are completely wrong, I’m very sorry about that, but SOMEONE has to win and SOMEONE has to lose, and I do the best I can with what I have (and with what I want to see happen). Then, typically the losing players/team will vote somebody out…which, yet again, is basically me deciding who leaves. So, if your character votes for somebody that YOU say they would NOT be voting for…I’m feeling like a broken record here, but I’m sorry about that; I can’t be PERFECT, you know. At that point, the eliminated player will be sent packing…either by being vored (if you are okay with that), being shot out of a cannon, or some other comedic or kinky fashion that you would be okay with (it’s in the application form).

7. I’m a proud kinky person who enjoys a good bit of fetishes. So expect a heavy dose of that in the stories. My personal favorites are butt-related things. These include face-sitting, face-farting, squashing/flattening, rimming, spanking, anal vore, anal sex, and inanimate transformation. I’m also fond of inflation and romance. Before you start freaking out, I do have a spot in the application form for you to express what kinds of kinks you are fine with and what ones you are NOT. If this does not sound fun to you, then don’t sign up; I really don’t want characters that are not meant to be kinky, since it makes it hard to have fun with them. I want to have fun with the stories, not be totally serious.

8. Once you sign up with a character, and I’ve made it clear that I’ve decided to use them, and you’ve possibly joined the Discord server, I STRONGLY request that you do not quit. I’ve gotten in trouble in the past by refusing to allow people to quit and continuing to use their characters anyway, which got them to report me out of pettiness. I’ve also had people quit, so when I removed their character, they didn’t like how I did it, and also told me off…despite the fact I was already on episode 3-5 and I didn’t appreciate being ordered to remove a character, so naturally I’m not going to take too kindly to that. So, look, if you have second thoughts at any point, I just beg you to please reconsider. Writing 40+ page episodes (yes, that’s likely how long they’ll be) is stressful, and it’s hard to say motivated as it is. I don’t need people demanding their character be removed at random points, or backing out once I already have a plan going forward.

9. Again, most things will be discussed in the application form, but here are a few more general things that you should know. I request that your characters NOT be humans. This is a kinky, fictional story. Please use actual fun, fictional characters. Humans…we see them every single day in real life. We’re boring animals. And they just aren’t fun to use in kinky stuff (at least in my opinion). Also, please have them be either a male or female, and nothing…well, ‘mixed’. It’s just easier for me to have everyone be strictly a male or female, without needing to carefully use the right ‘pronoun’ or have their body parts be mentioned correctly or this or that…I have OCD and anxiety, so I like things to be simple, please. Next, naturally have them be over the age of 18…with how self-righteous FurAffinity and other places are acting, this should be a given…but just wanted to mention it anyway. Finally, please do not let your character be able to transform or shapeshift or anything like that; it’s extremely annoying and feels heavily god-moddy, and I just don’t like it.

10. I request that you provide SOME sort of picture for your character. If you don’t have one…can you please at least find SOMETHING online, on some kinky website or whatever, that highly resembles your character? No matter how much you write out a description, it’s still a lot easier for me when I’m able to look at them and see what they are than just seeing written words. So, if you don’t have an actual picture of your character, then use a character who you DO have a picture of, or try to find something online that looks as close to your character as possible and use that.

If you have any further questions, feel free to message me on…well, wherever you want, since I’m sure you can find me if you really wanted to do so. Anyway, time for the application form! Now, in this form, naturally remove all the stuff that I wrote to ‘describe’ each part, and instead fill it in with your own character’s information. Try to be as detailed as you can, but you only have to write as much as you want; this shouldn’t feel like a chore. But just remember: the less you write, the more likely I might eliminate your character early since I won’t have much to go on, or I might just have to make them do or say things that you won’t like because I won’t know if it’s wrong or not. So be warned.

APPLICATION FORM:

NAME: (What is this character’s name? I would like a full name, first and last, but if they don’t have a last name, it’s fine)

SEX: (What is this character’s gender? Again, please just be ‘male’ or ‘female’, since it makes life easier for me)

SEXUALITY: (What is this character’s sexuality? Straight? Bisexual? Pansexual? Gay? You get the idea)

SPECIES: (What is this character’s race/species? Hybrids are seriously overdone, but they’re fine. Just please list everything that they are, and their ‘combined’ species name, if they have one. You get it. And, again, please no humans)

PICTURE(S): (Please post a picture or several on what your character looks like)

BACKGROUND: (Write as much or as little as you want about your character. We PROBABLY don’t need to know the ins and outs of every little bit of their lives…but the general idea of who they are and where they come from and all that is good)

PERSONALITY: (Naturally, give a forecast of this character’s personality, from as many different points and events as you want)

KINK LOVES: (What kinks do YOU, the creator, love to see happen to/with your character? Regardless if your character themselves enjoy said kinks, the fact that YOU enjoy them is what matters, since sometimes we enjoy seeing our characters in kinky situations they pretend to not enjoy. So, please list your favorite kinks)

KINK HATES: (What kinks do YOU, the creator, hate and thus do not want to see used with your character? Like…do you not want to see them farted on or farting on others? Do you not want to see them anal vored and/or anal voring someone else? Do you not want to see them being cartoonishly squashed flat? And so on and so forth. You’re also free to list ‘no romance’ because they already have a significant other and you don’t like open relationships, or whatever)

DISCORD COMPETITION SERVER LINK:

I'm sure, if you're reading this, you've already read, like, dozens of other journals by now talking about the same thing. So nothing I say is going to really matter. But, basically, I'm keeping every piece of artwork I have up, since all of them have been gifts over the years, each one is really special to me, and none of them have anyone 'childlike' in them. And, since I can't draw anyway, anything I post in the future would just be more of the same; just ones I have never gotten around to posting. If they seriously threaten to ban me or remove them, I'm done with the site. ESPECIALLY if they try to come for Josh (my Meowth). He's been my damn main OC for nearly 20 years. He means everything to me. I'm not changing him or making him look uglier just to look 'more adult'. Also, all my stories naturally can't really be taken down, since...how can you really prove how old someone is in a story...unless you read it...and who is seriously going to go through long, written stories to try and see how old everyone is? Plus, I've always been under the assumption that anyone I ever use in stories is over 18 anyway, so I'm not worried about my stories.

So, since I'm not an artist, and stories are easy to describe how old things are, this policy change seemingly won't affect me much...on paper. But, again, since they're targeting Pokemon, if they even DARE try to take down my precious gifts of Josh (or even the Littlest Pet Shop pets), I'm going to just put them back up in protest, and if I'm permanently banned, then I'll gladly go elsewhere. Nobody dictates what my life and my characters are, especially since nobody knows them better than myself.

I really hope they don't follow through with this stupid policy, but if they do, I guess we'll see if I stick around or not. If they don't touch any of my stuff, I'm staying. If they try to touch Josh or my LPS gifts, I'm gone.

Oh, and my own personal opinion on the policy? Duh, it's stupid as hell. Pictures of fictional characters angering people so heavily that they have to start cracking down on it, while there's a new shooting going on weekly in another part of America (or just the world in general) and nobody wants to do a thing about guns...yeah, is there any wonder why I don't care when/if I die? This world is making it harder and harder to WANT to keep on living. Yeesh.

I finally ended an 8-year, toxic relationship with a so-called 'best friend'. I won't say who they are, but they just never wanted to change their ways, understand my feelings or emotions, or keep their promises. They were someone really stuck-up, stubborn, petty, childish, and vengeful. Every time they made a promise, they would break it. Every time I asked for something, they would refuse. They would constantly ignore me, make fun of my feelings or how I feel because they think 'only logic and facts matter, not emotions'. I mean, they were a Republican, so of course they'd feel that way. But, it does kinda hurt to end things, since we did have a good roleplay world together, and we often told each other we loved one another, but now I know that every time they said it...they didn't mean it.

Honestly, I think I can kinda understand how people in my past felt about ME, when they complained that I wouldn't change, or understand THEIR feelings, so they got fed up with me and left, too. Well, now I'm in their shoes. But, here's a lesson to everyone out there: be very, very careful who you decide to love or make friends with. Human beings are all imperfect creatures, filled with flaws, and because we're all flawed, it's extremely likely that we're going to meet those who have just as many flaws, if not more. And no matter how nice they may seem on the surface, hidden below could be a lot of toxicity that you will want to get away from fast.

I tried my hardest to be there for them and love them, but they couldn't do the same for me. It's a shame, but I'm done feeling abused, used, neglected, and tormented. So now I'm free. Again.

I made it through another year. Imagine that. Well, one meaningless person in a sea of 9 billion people really matters none, but hey since it only comes once a year and you never know when your time will come, here I am to say I'm 32-years-old and still kicking! Leave lots of love and presents! Or nothing. Whatever you want.

The world changes every single day. Every week. Every month. Every year. Hell, probably every single second something in the world is changing heavily and never going to return to the way it used to be. And, while this is a harsh reality, it's seriously frustrating when it comes to...human beings.

We all have fights. We have arguments. We have disagreements. We each feel or think differently about EVERYTHING. Even if you think you and someone else think or feel 100% the same way, I guarantee that that isn't the case. Every single person in the world is unique and different. But, what hurts me the most is how quick people are to push you away, cast you aside, ignore you, refuse to give you chances to become better, and are so quick to move on when they feel like they're done with you or they're "over" you.

Someday, we're all going to be dead. Every one of us. Everyone you see out on the streets, inside stores, inside your homes, online...everywhere. You never know when your life is going to be taken from you. Or when someone else's will. Such as Volsar Rewtree, the famous Abra who was known all throughout Deviantart, FurAffinity Inkbunny, Twitter, Discord, you name it. He was taken far too young. And then there's Spencer, the macro wolf, who was also taken far too young. Life is too short.

This is why...I have to ask. Why are people constantly so cruel? Why are they so quick to banish you to the realm of 'nonexistent' when they feel like you no longer matter to them? Why do people always think about themselves only? We all have feelings and emotions. We all hurt. We all feel pain. Emotional, mental, physical...we all feel these things. I've messed up more times than I can remember, but I keep trying to get better, and knowing how much it hurts to stop being cared about due to nonstop abuse from 12 years of school, from my father leaving forever when I was only 8-years-old, and much more...I don't close my doors. When people hurt me, I'm always open to amending fences. That is how it should be.

Why do we only care about fighting nowadays? All we care about is how fast we can block one another...how fast we can tell someone else off...how fast we can get someone 'cancelled'...how fast we can hate someone's guts for not being the same political party as you, or same religion as you, or like the same kinks as you, or have the same personality as you want...it's gross. We all have flaws...some of us way more than others...but that doesn't mean we should shut those people out of our lives and stop acting like they don't exist. Just remember: you may be hurt by what someone else says or did, but they can equally be as hurt as you. Put yourself in their shoes.

I am constantly being tossed aside, ignored, disregarded, hated, 'moved on from', blocked, slandered, and much more. And I'm tired of it. All I've ever tried to do is enjoy my time with others, and do things to bring entertainment to others. That's the whole point of the stories I've attempted to do. If they were all about me, I would just use my own characters only and that's it. But the fact I want to use other peoples' characters proves that I just want to bring joy to as many as people. I want to roleplay with people because building such relationships and bonds can really help you when you need some love and intimate time with somebody when you start to feel depressed or overwhelmed by how much the world is kicking you down.

I want to go back to how things used to be...5, 10, maybe even 15 years ago. It's never too late. I've had some growing up to do, I've had to take some medication, I've had to take counseling, I've had to suffer a lot of loss and pain, I've had to deal with a lot. I'm not the same person I used to be. To anybody out there who has claimed that I've hurt them in some fashion, or has annoyed them, or did SOMETHING to anger you so badly that you simply HAD to get me out of your life and you never looked back...I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. Please, give me another chance. I don't want to keep being alone. I don't want just a random word from an acquaintance now and then and that's it.

Please just give me another chance already. I beg you all. Look how short life is. Spencer is gone. Volsar is gone. Who knows who might be next. Please, can we stop spreading hate and distancing ourselves from one another? We need to spread love, and kindness, and forgiveness. Look in your hearts and please allow me back in. You won't regret it.

You know what? Screw it, I'll just ask. Why not?

If you're a fun, loving, spirited, playful, naughty person who wants to add me on Discord, please do so! These are the 'requirements' that I would hope for from you:

1. You roleplay
2. You're around at least some part of every day
3. You're nice
4. You're mostly literate
5. Your character(s) have fantastic butts
6. You like or don't mind kinks that involve the use of butts, like face-sitting, squashing/flattening, anal vore, and so on and so forth

So, yeah, if all of these (or at least most of these) apply to you, please add me on Discord! No reason to note me or ask for permission; just do it. It's fine. I can't wait to have my character smother your character(s) butts with kisses!

DISCORD: Tailslover13#7084

Well, today is January 15th, the same birthday as the amazing Dr. Martin Luther King Junior. It really did always feel special to know I shared a birthday with such an amazing person such as him, and it made me really want to study and get to know him while growing up through school. I know that his 'day' is celebrated on the third Monday of January, but his birthday is still the important one in my opinion.

Anyway, I'm 31 today. Really awful year. Lost the remaining pet I still had from the early 2000s. My dear online furry friend Volsar, whom I'd known for around 10-15 years, ended up tragically dying due to cancer. There's ugliness everywhere due to constant conspiracies involving politics, there's a ton of fighting (and dying) due to Covid and the vaccine, I've gotten several medical scares...and yet through it all, I'm still here.

So...I survived another year on this planet. Huzzah?

Over the years, I've dealt with loss. A lot of loss. Both in real life, and online. The reason I talk about it is all the time is I learned from a young age that talking about your issues, no matter who you say them to, is better than just bottling it all up inside. That will just slowly kill you and drive you insane. So, after seeing what a former friend had to say about me and how they were ending our friendship while bashing me every which way, I figured that I should respond to the shots they fired out at me.

Let me make something perfectly clear. A true friend is not someone who is there to belittle you, bash you, constantly tell you you're wrong, constantly tell you why you're so shitty and stupid, and pretty much do every abusive thing in the book to make you feel like you're beneath them. Am I a perfect person? Hell no, not even close. And I acknowledge this. My best friend, whom I won't name here, is someone I treasure dearly, yet I still unfortunately fight with them sometimes and yell at them and act cruel. But, you know what? I'm very quick to say I'm sorry, and I'm always quick to say that I know I was wrong. And, shockingly...they forgive me! Yes, imagine that; a person who understands you from the heart and what kinda person you are, and gets where you're coming from, and forgives you when you say you're sorry! What a mysterious thing that is nowadays, huh?

Yes, a lot of the people who are no longer with me were pushed away from my own actions. That is very much true. But, a lot of them treated me like shit, tried to act like an abusive father figure rather than a friend, or just "didn't want to deal with me any longer". It would be interesting to find out how they would treat their parents if they were on life support in a hospital, or how they would treat a child if they had one if they were going through frustrating moments in their life, or many other scenarios. Would they be so quick to just "give up" on them, too? Because you're just too good to keep "dealing" with them? Wow, you must be SO perfect and such a godsend that your time is SO precious that you can't deal with others who might happen to be disabled, or mentally unstable, or easy to hurt.

In this day and age, we should be trying to come together, not just pushing each other further and further away. And, to do this, you don't belittle, bemoan, and besmirch. You listen, try to understand, show patience, and open up your heart. We're all human. How about some of you start ACTING like it? Human beings are flawed creatures by nature, but we should be better than this. I realized this many years ago, and it's why I've sought to change my life as best as I can. And I believe I have, contrary to what some people choose to believe.

First off, I'm open and honest about how worthless I am, and what a loser I am. I don't try and act like something I'm not, or try to act superior or better than anybody. If you think I do, you're simply wrong. I KNOW I'm flawed, and I have issues, and I can be hard to deal with, and pretty much every other criticism you have on me. I'm AWARE of this. But, I HAVE tried to not be this way around people where it matters. If you see me act this way, it's likely because someone forced it out of me, or I defend someone else, or idiotic people doing dumb shit online earned my wrath. I'm pretty sure having emotions and passion is still something that is allowed, don't you think?

Second, I am honest about my miserable life, because as I said from the start, it's better to talk about it with others than keeping it inside. No, talking with a counselor or a psychiatrist is fine, but just thinking that's the solution to everything is silly, naïve, and short-sighted. I talk with anyone I can to have hope that their own problems and troubles will get better, since at least you don't have MY life...and I also do it because I want to have others listen to me. I don't just want those who I pick and choose in real life to hear me; I want to hear others' opinions and thoughts on me, too. And, since I'm not gonna hide shit about me, I'm honest about the shitty, unfortunate, terrible, depressing things that happen in my life! If that is SO 'annoying' for you, then I'm sorry; feel free to not listen to me. But just remember that when you want someone to listen to YOU and YOUR issues.

Third, I'm not going to be treated like shit anymore. I've dealt with that for 18 years, and once I graduated high school, I made it clear that enough was enough. I'm standing up for myself, and I'm not gonna let people talk down to me. You are supposed to be my FRIEND. Not my father, not my boyfriend/girlfriend, not my counselor, not God, not nothing. Stop talking to me like I'm a child and how you're so 'disappointed' in me and listing off all my flaws and threatening to leave me if I don't change...or just upright leaving because you "can't deal with me anymore". You are nothing more than a manipulative punk, trying to exert your narcissistic desires and demands on me, to try and shape me into what YOU want, because I shockingly do or say things you don't like...like most humans do!

So, bottom line, I've made mistakes. We all have. It's cost me a lot...but a lot have also just been what the title of this journal is: fake, toxic friends. People who try to belittle you for every little thing, control you over every little thing, they are never there when you need them, they only come to you when they want something, they rant about all your issues and how "annoying" they are because they expect you to be perfect, and so on and so forth. These people will call YOU the bully and say you're "not a victim" and try and label you as some sort of evil, hateful monster. The truth is that you are anything but. I know that I am not any of these things, and I'm not going to stop growing as a person and making sure I don't let punks like this drag me down. They would've in the past, but not anymore.

If you don't want to be my friend anymore? Cool, don't let the door hit you on your way out. If you want to stick by my side, you have my eternal thanks, and please know that I do love you. The one thing I value more than anything else in a person is loyalty, so if you can show me that, then you are one badass person who has my respect and loyalty in return.

I really didn't want to say anything on this, because...what is there to really say? No amount of words, or crying, or begging, or delusion, will bring back the dead. This isn't fiction; this is reality. Plus, the pain I feel...I really didn't want to talk it out with anyone. Despite what Brandon, my Lucario friend, might say...I like to keep to myself because I'm tired of being hurt. My life sucks, and is full of nonstop misery and pain, so something like this befalling someone I loved so much...really didn't come as much of a surprise. But, it also doesn't make the eternal pain get any softer.

I'm pretty sure Volsar's real life name was Adam...I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that's what it was. He was a Canadian, too. He often told me stories about how he had to look after his mother, who seemed to always be in need of help and assistance. And since Volsar was such a kindhearted person, regardless of how 'dirty' his OC may've seen, he was always there to help out his mother, just as much as he was to help out those he cared about and loved online. This is what made him such a special person.

I first met Volsar back on an old forum called 'Hungry Pokemon Forums'. There's technically still one up today, but...it isn't what it used to be. The old one was more full of life than this one. As soon as we met, I felt a strong connection with him, and while we had our ups and downs going forward, we were pretty much inseparable from that point onward. I'll admit that he pissed me off sometimes, and I even reported him to the FurAffinity staff one time for getting a story made that I didn't approve of and disgracing my OC in a really mean-spirited manner. But, I realized I was wrong, and even if he may have seemed a little vexed, Volsar took it in stride and forgave me immediately. That was just the type of person he was.

He never seemed to take things personally. He was one of the most chill, most rational, most free-spirited and nicest people you could've met. Yes, he loved kinks and fetishes that were very extreme and likely not that loved by the majority of online/furry people, but I really believe it was only because he enjoyed life so much and he enjoyed having fun, and bringing others into that 'fun' mind and 'world' of his, and it was less about 'being a disgusting person' and more about 'being a loving, engaging, fun, spirited, playful sweetheart'.

When I made Skype groups, he was always willing to be there. When I made Discord groups, he was always willing to be there. When I wrote stories, he was quick to always sign up, because he trusted me and he just wanted to have fun. He even commissioned around 20 or so total pictures over the years that included my OC in them, something he didn't have to do, because 95% of the time I never actually KNEW about the pictures beforehand, so he got them done without my knowledge and surprised me with them. He was just that great a guy. He also always roleplayed with me and was there to either dominate and demolish (in a cartoony, kinky way that we both desired) my OC, or to just be romantic, considerate, or nice and give me someone to talk to and spend time with. He could be both naughty, dirty, devious company...or he could be loving, understanding, thoughtful company. He was a full mixed bag of tricks.

I knew him for around 10-15 years total, since the first thing I wrote that starred his OC was 'Total Drama Vore Tour', which I first posted in 2011. But, I think I knew him a little while before that via Hungry Pokemon Forums, so again I'm not entirely sure of the full time. But...it really did feel like it was at least half my life (I'm currently 30-years-old), since we were just always together. This is going to sound arrogant and I'm sure many others will step in to disagree...but I really feel like I was closer to him than anybody else online. I even told him I loved him many times and asked if he would have his OC be a mate/lover to my OC. He never really said a full 'yes', but his actions spoke louder than words and it was very clear he felt the same way about me. We just...got each other. More than anyone else could. I fully believe that.

To list out every single thing that we did together while probably take weeks, maybe even months to remember, so I'm not going to bother. They're stored away in the deep confines of my mind and heart anyway, w here they belong. For those of you who did not know him that well, didn't know him at ALL, or only saw him as a 'dirty, perverted, gross person' who you wanted nothing to do with...let me say this. He was someone that you would love to have as a friend and partner. He was very smart, at the end of the day, and if you didn't desire the kinks or fetishes he adored, he wouldn't harass you with them or force them down your throat. First and foremost, he was the type of person you rarely see nowadays: just a good-hearted, free-willed, spirited, fun individual. They don't make them like him anymore.

There will never be another Volsar. He was one-of-a-kind. We're ALL unique individuals, at the end of the day, but he really was a special one. I've been hurt by so many people over the years, and while many of those people simply couldn't bring themselves to forgive me or give me another chance or possibly realize THEY were in the wrong, Volsar was bigger than that. He didn't care about fighting and getting into arguments and holding grudges and being shitty to people just because they weren't some sort of perfect human being. He knew that he was flawed, and he accepted the flaws of everyone else, too. If they wanted to like him, he would like them back. If they didn't want to like him, he respected that and didn't care. At the end of the day, he never hurt me. I always felt safe and happy around him. To lose this...is like losing a part of my heart. My soul.

I still miss many people who refused to give me another chance. Such as Jeremy (SquashedFlat), Shane (Snow_Cone), and others...again, this isn't about them, but it really goes to show how amazing Volsar was that he meant THAT much to me. Hell, he meant more to me than 95% of the people I know in real life! My family, other than my mother, sucks. Those I went to school with...they're all gone, they all left me behind, and they all mostly sucked. Volsar was someone who was always there for me, and he really was like some sort of family to me. Call it pathetic, but online people have meant more to me than any sort of family or 'friends' in real life EVER have (other than my mother).

Volsar Rewtree...you didn't deserve to go so soon. You deserved to live on forever...and while you will in spirit...I still wish you were still here in person. I know your pain is now gone and you can continue to be the fun, wonderful person you were up in Heaven, but I'm never going to stop thinking about you. You will NEVER die for real. Because you can't kill a spirit like yours. When some of us die, they live on forever. And that's what you will do, my friend. I hate that you were taken from us...it still feels like a horrible nightmare I want to wake up from...but you will always be one of the bests.

Volsar will never die.

I love you, Volsar. I always will.

LONG LIVE VOLSAR REWTREE!

I have 20 players for The Kinkiest Apprentice! Please, nobody else sign up; I don't want to be tempted into accepting more. I must keep it at 20 players. But, whether you're competing or you're not, if you'd like to be a part of my new server, please come join:

https://discord.gg/2bMV3jMMgA

Updates on the show will be coming soon!

So, ultimately, I think I'm gonna do 'The Kinkiest Apprentice' as my next competition attempt. It seems like most people heavily preferred me to do the Olympics, while The Apprentice was a distant second, and only one person that I know of said 'The Challenge'. So, I was going to listen to what you guys wanted and do an Olympics-based story, but...then I got to thinking. I realized that it wouldn't really work. Here's why:

1. The Olympics deal with a ton of different events, and therefore a ton of different athletes. Sure, athletes can compete in different events, but you would still need a large number of them. So, since I wanted to base this on kinks...I really don't think I can make, like, a ton of different kink-based events, and make it interesting. Not only that, but...what, 20 or so athletes competing would be...lame. That's not the Olympics at all. That's basically enough athletes for pretty much ONE Olympic event! So, think about it. Let's say I had a squashing/flattening event. Let's say that, out of 20 players who signed up, only 8 of them say they're okay with squashing/flattening. So I could use all 8 for it...and that's fine. But then let's say that only 3-5 players like a certain kink. Olympics have medal ceremonies, so...everyone would get a medal except for 1 or 2 players? That's just cruel. Or, if only 3 were to compete, EVERYONE would get one. It would just feel...pointless. I would need a ton of people, and a vast variety of events...at least to make ME feel like this could work. So, I don't think that's possible.

2. With nobody ever getting eliminated 'fully', it would just be episode after episode of the same characters...all the time. And, sure, only a select number would compete in certain events, but...it would just wouldn't be compelling storytelling or fun. There's only so many times I can have the same people talking to each other or doing the same things to each other without it feeling redundant. Plus, since it's the Olympics, there wouldn't be 'teams'. In Survivor terms, it would be like a constant merge from the very start. So, with nobody ever leaving, and everyone always just together...I don't know. That just doesn't really interest me much.

3. I strongly prefer competition parodies that actually feel like they have continuity and aren't just episodic. With the Olympics, it would kinda feel like...well, episodes of 'The Grim Adventures Of Billy & Mandy'. Basically what that means is each episode would kinda be a one-off, and the next one would start all 'anew' with a new scenario and all the same characters back with nobody gone. I just don't really like that.

Therefore, while I appreciate all the votes for the kinky Olympics, after thinking about actually doing it, I've realized that it's just not the best option for me. So, I'll be doing the one that came in second place instead: The Kinkiest Apprentice! I hope you all (or those that actually care) aren't too disappointed. I'll go ahead and explain what the series will be about, and then provide an application form for you to fill out, if you wanted.

My main character, Josh (a Meowth), is a billionaire who owns a luxurious hotel and restaurant known as The Cat's Meow. He lives in a bustling, kinky city known as Buttopia. Wanting to bring another worker onboard, he summons a group of cutie butts (probably somewhere between 14-20 of them) to come and perform in random challenges that he comes up with to see who he would like to hire to come work at his place. With Josh taking the role of Donald Trump (just without even 1% of Trump's awfulness, thankfully), he makes the players perform kinky, silly, cartoony, or funny challenges rather than actual boring things like in the real show. He'll fire someone each episode and let them leave...possibly sometimes still hiring them anyway if he likes them enough. At the end, the winner receives $10 million dollars, a free luxurious room to live at in his hotel, and a prized position in his establishment. Whether or not you choose to make that canon is up to you, since nothing is forced to be canon unless you're okay with it, of course.

Again, there will be around 14-20 players, on two teams at the start. Teams will constantly switch around and players will be on the move a lot, so nothing is kept stale. Each episode, there will typically be a project manager (someone on each team who is the captain/leader), and there usually won't be any voting done with the actual players (like in Survivor or Big Brother). Instead, Josh (and any co-hosts, judges, and assistants with him) will interrogate and interview a certain number of losers from the losing team each episode, and Josh himself will decide which one to eliminate, for whatever reason he wants.

Each episode I will try to focus on some different kink, like I would've done in the Olympics. If your character isn't comfortable with what is happening (or you, yourself, aren't comfortable), I'll try not to involve them with it. There is also the possibility for really any kind of challenge or competition. The challenges won't be boring ones, like raising money or selling stuff, like in the real show...since we all know that's boring. So, they'll be more entertaining instead. Also, all the players, while competing in the competition, will get to live together in a luxurious mansion that Josh had built them for them somewhere in Buttopia. They'll all be living together, but they'll always be on teams.

APPLICATION FORM:

CHARACTER NAME: (Please put the first and last name of your character here. If you don't have a last name for them, then put their species as their last name. Like if you're a fox with the name 'Miles', but Miles Fox)

CHARACTER GENDER: (Only pure male and pure female, please. I'm sorry, but I don't want to use shemales, or herms, or cuntboys, or anything like that. Just only 100% male or 100% female, thank you)

CHARACTER SEXUALITY: (Are they straight, bisexual, gay, pansexual, asexual, or whatever? This will come into play because, naturally, romance and sex-based kinks will probably be used, and depending on if you're okay with such things, naturally I want to know who your character would be 'comfortable' doing such things with)

CHARACTER SPECIES: (What is your character? Please try to avoid simple humans, since they're boring. And please try to avoid shapeshifters, or creatures who have 50 different species inside of them to make them some sort of freaky hybrid. Those aren't creative; they're just ridiculous)

CHARACTER PICTURE: (Please actually put a picture of your character here so we can see what they actually look like. Don't just write out a description. If you don't have a picture of your character, try to look something up online that most closely resembles them; it might not be 100% accurate to your character, but it's better than a written description)

CHARACTER PERSONALITY: (Write as much or as little as you want. Just know that the less I have to work with, I don't want to hear complaints if I don't write them accurately enough; I can only use what I have to work with. But, naturally, tell me about them)

CHARACTER DOMINANCE LEVEL: (What is the percentage of their dominant versus submissive levels, when it comes to...well, really anything! Whether it be kinks, or romance, or sex, or whatever. An example would be: Josh is 60% submissive, 40% dominant. This just lets me know what kinda positions your character would normally be in)

KINK USAGE: (With the 18 kinks listed below, please put an X, Y, or Z next to each and every one. X means "Yes, I love/like this kink, and am fine with my character being involved with it!", Y means "Meh, I don't care one way or another", and Z means "No, I don't want my character to be doing this or being involved, please!" As promised, I'm not gonna limit myself to vore anymore. But, at the same time, I'll still only use kinks that I at least am comfortable with, either on a high level or on a decent level. So, if you don't see a kink listed here, I likely won't be using it. Or I just didn't think of it)

Anal Sex
Anal Vore
Bondage
Face-Sitting
Farting
Fighting/Wrestling
Foot/Paw Play
Gender Transformation
Inanimate Transformation
Inflation
Macro/Micro
Master/Pet
Objectification Humiliation
Rimming
Spanking
Squashing/Flattening
Toon Antics
Weight Gain

RESTRICTIONS: (Is there anything I haven't mentioned that you want me to know to NOT have your character do or be involved in? Like...do they not swear? Do they have some sort of allergy to something? Are they afraid of cock? Like, anything you can think of, please let me know)

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: I, [insert username here], PROMISE THAT I HAVE READ EVERYTHING LISTED ABOVE AND AGREE TO ABIDE BY THE RULES AND ALLOW TAILSLOVER13 TO USE MY CHARACTER IN HIS SERIES. I WILL NOT ASK TO QUIT, I WILL NOT CAUSE ANY DRAMA, AND I WILL NOT MAKE ANY PROBLEMS FOR ANYONE INVOLVED.

IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK ME! IF YOU WANT MY DISCORD, YOU ARE FREE TO ADD ME: Josh Thunderbolt#7084. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS! ALSO, SHOULD I GET TOO MANY PLAYERS, I MIGHT NEED TO CUT SOME PEOPLE, SO SORRY IN ADVANCE!

So, this is what I'm thinking for my newest attempt at a competition show: either a parody of The Apprentice, The Challenge, or the Olympics. Since actually explaining them would take a bit too much effort, and I probably wouldn't do them justice, here are the Wikipedia pages on what each of them are, if you want to read up on them:

THE APPRENTICE

THE CHALLENGE

THE OLYMPICS

I don't know what the name would be yet, nor do I actually know which one I want to do. I was consulting with a new friend on Discord about my issues, and he gave me some advice on what he thought would be best. For starters, though, I wanna hear thoughts from everybody on what you think would be the most fun scenario for me to do.

First off, for those of you who are new and/or don't know what it is that I do, I'll do a quick explanation. Basically, people sign up their character for use in a written competition-based series that is done solely by me. It's free (even if I could actually get my stupid Patreon to work and actually connect to my bank, which it won't let me do, it would still make me feel dirty to request money from people), so there's no reason to fear signing up. I typically eliminate one character per episode, based on my own judgment and story-writing wishes. I like to ask people to play along and write confessionals to go with my episodes (which are submissions that they post to their FA account, or on Google Docs, or some place like that), but those are not mandatory. Finally, what are they actually about? Kinky fun, of course! There's no ACTUAL reward in it, other than free written stories involving your character, though.

This is the general synopsis of what each potential idea listed above would be like if chosen by my readers/friends, and myself:

THE APPRENTICE: My main character, Josh (a Meowth), is a billionaire who owns a luxurious hotel and restaurant known as The Cat's Meow. He lives in a bustling, kinky city known as Buttopia. Wanting to bring another worker onboard, he summons a group of cutie butts (probably somewhere between 14-20 of them) to come and perform in random challenges that he comes up with to see who he would like to hire to come work at his place. With Josh taking the role of Donald Trump (just without even 1% of Trump's awfulness, thankfully), he makes the players perform kinky, silly, cartoony, or funny challenges rather than actual boring things like in the real show. He'll fire someone each episode and let them leave...possibly sometimes still hiring them anyway if he likes them enough. At the end, the winner receives $10 million dollars, a free luxurious room to live at in his hotel, and a prized position in his establishment.

THE CHALLENGE: At a random location that really doesn't matter, Josh is host and summons a group of players (most likely a larger amount, like 24-30 of them) to compete in kinky, fun challenges for a simple money reward at the end. Players can play individually, in pairs, in trios, or in teams; it just depends on the episode and/or competition, so parts are always shifting and moving.

THE OLYMPICS: Josh hosts some sort of kinky Olympic Games, and invites the 'best of the best' to come compete (or, in this case, whoever he could get his paws on). In some sort of fancy location, all the players compete in different kink-based challenges/games to see who can earn medals...and possibly more. It's possible that, for those more 'pickier' players who only like certain kinks and that's all, their character will only compete in the kink-based challenge/game that they are alright with (or rather their creator is alright with). There will be about 20 or so different kinds of kinks to get medals or prizes in, and typically nobody will ever be removed or eliminated entirely from the story, since typically that's not how the Olympics work; you stay until the Olympics are actually over.

So, these are my three ideas. Which one do you think you would prefer to see? I can see pros and cons for each of them. I kinda have a preference as to which one I THINK I would most want to do, but I'll keep that secret so as to not influence voting. Feel free to ask any questions you like, too!

Also...for all three of them...I'm not just gonna focus on vore anymore. One of the things that made people stray away from wanting to be involved in the past was the focus on vore, which many people don't like (which is fair, since I know it's kinda an 'extreme' kink). So, for all three of these potential ideas, I will be using a variety of kinks. So, for example, there might be 20 different kink-based challenges for each idea, which means 20 different kinks! It might be hard to get people to sign up if they don't like some of the kinks, but I'm hoping that they'd be willing to compromise or not mind if it's a variety, rather than just a focus on vore and that's it.

Below are a list of kinks that I would heavily consider using, and also the main ones that I would absolutely refuse to use. Any that I don't list could be up for debate.

USABLE KINKS:
Anal Sex
Anal Vore
Bondage
Face-Sitting
Farting
Fighting/Wrestling
Foot/Paw Play
Gender Transformation
Inanimate Transformation
Inflation
Macro/Micro
Master/Pet
Rimming
Spanking
Squashing/Flattening
Toon Antics
Weight Gain

NON-DESIRED KINKS:
Ageplay
Belching
Blood/Gore
Cock Vore
Cum Usage
Enemas
Hard Vore
Hermaphrodites
Hyperness
Oral Sex
Oviposition
Pregnancy
Rape
Slime/Goo
Vomiting
Watersports

So, please let me know what you think! I look forward to hearing from as many people as possible before I make a decision!

Well, it's about that time of the year again. Yep, I'm talking about the time of year where I foolishly try to write something, and because I don't like to write one-off pieces or stories that only involve my own characters that clearly won't interest anybody else, you all know what that means.

First off, let me say this: don't leave a single comment where you try and nag me about how I didn't finish my past 7 competitions and thus I should just give up trying. Kiss my ass and go away. You try, you fail, you try, you fail...but the only failure is when you stop trying. A cookie to anyone who can name me what movie that quote is from (it's one of my favorites). Anyway, the point is...get off my back. I've had reasons for why I angrily quit everything in the past:

Total Drama Vore Action: Too many players and not enough commitments. Too many big names to juggle and thus I felt overwhelmed and like I was letting people down.

Total Drama Vore Island: Draxton, Shade, and Nate all caused problems and pissed me off, making me lose my desire to go further. Plus, several key players I really liked refused to ever pay attention, which made me lose my desire to use them. Also, one of the characters was an OC that I used against the wishes of someone else, just to spite them and punish them for hurting me, which admittedly made me feel icky.

Total Drama Vore Race: Nate once again caused problems, and once again people kept not paying attention. Plus, there was much whining about the random teams that were chosen, which gave me headaches, and made me not care any longer to write for people who didn't like it.

Big Butt Brother: Just immediately I realized that my heart wasn't in it, and it just felt...weird. I wanted to do something new, but this didn't really feel like what I wanted. Plus, it was admittedly kinda ripping off what Nate had done previously, so I felt kinda bad.

Total Drama Vore: Artemis Island: Brandon was my cohort, which meant he was tasked with writing the challenges, and I wrote the rest. This just never sat well with me. Plus, he kept wanting me to put certain things in the story...which I could've done, but it was just aggravating. But, worst of all, it took him forever to actually do his parts. Plus, Tanner was a jerk and called MLP fans autistic, Tori was annoyed with my writing, and once AGAIN people weren't paying attention (Galen, Miles, Luro, Haruna, Cyndi). It was too much for me in the end.

Total Drama Vore Tour: Reanimated: Azure was obnoxious on Discord, Zephyr complained a lot, Red never paid attention despite being one of my favorites going into it, Qwerty had the biggest list of weirdest and confusing kinks and desires that I'd ever seen, and Cassidy was throwing a fit and lecturing me. As always, people weren't paying attention, too.

Total Drama Vore: Redemption Vs. Relapse: Nate once again caused problems, which then led to Sakato causing issues. Danny clearly wasn't happy with me using Heather instead of one of his other characters, so his mood was always soured. Tobos kept criticizing me, despite trying to say he was just being nice and he meant no harm. Brandon, Aura, and Catherine all nagged me to keep working and acted more like they were my bosses rather than friends. Sasha kept complaining how I wrote HIM, going so far as to demand I remove his name from everything involving him once I had stopped posting after a few months. Oh, and then learning about how Volsar was going through some harsh life or death situations in real life made me feel heavily guilty using him. Again, this was all too much.

So there you have it. As you can see, I know this all sounds like excuses...well, they ARE excuses...but while some people have the mental fortitude to push through such bullshit, I'm sadly not like that. And since so many people think they can just treat every single person the same and expect them to deal with it...that's why all these seasons failed. Oh, and yes, I'm not hiding any names, because just like people don't care to bring ME up and talk about me behind my back, I'll gladly just put names out there and not hide from it. Besides, right now, I would say that I forgive most everyone who I've mentioned in that list above. I'm not going back to any of those projects, but I can forgive. I'm not one to hold grudges...compared to certain OTHER people who have no issues just blocking me for life and not giving a shit.

Anyway, yeah, I figured I'd try again. By this point, I'll be surprised if I get many takers, but...eh, doesn't hurt to try! If people don't want to, they don't have to. But I REALLY want something to do at this point, so...I'm gonna try. Once again, do NOT nag me about the past 7 competitions; doing that will be a quick way to piss me off. I don't care if I do 100 of these and fail each one! It won't stop me from still attempting them, dammit! Again, if YOU'RE 'burnt out' and don't want to participate anymore, that's fine. That's your right and I'm not gonna beg you. I'm just testing the waters.

As for what it's gonna BE this time...well, here's the thing: I don't think I want to parody 'Total Drama' anymore. At least not the title. Not only did the 'Total Drama Vore' titles confuse many people who thought it was literally just the actual Canadian show, just with vore, but I've had MANY complaints over the years about a tiny issue: I typically never actually do vore in the stories, despite the name. This is admittedly true. So...maybe I should parody The Apprentice, or The Challenge, or the Olympics in general...or something along those lines. And I want to focus on 'kinks' in general, not just 'vore', so that way more people would be open to it.

I'll type up some sort of application form a little while after I post this, so...be on the lookout for that! Or don't. It's up to you.

I just lost my final poodle. For the first time in my life...I had to watch an animal be put to sleep. One I loved and cherished so strongly. My mother ran out of the room and couldn't take it, but I couldn't let Misty cross the Rainbow Bridge alone. I wasn't going to let her go to sleep by herself. Even with the kind doctor being there. I had to be there for her in her final moments. But...I want to die. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die. I can't keep doing this. I don't want to keep doing this. It hurts so bad.

Misty was our third and final poodle of the trio of Lucy, Angel, and Misty. She was all we had left. Sure, I still have a new blue heeler/black lab mix with Roxy, and a kitty named Ali, but...Misty was all I had left of the past 14 years. That part of my life is gone now. My heart is broken. Actually watching as she was put to sleep was the most painful thing I had to ever experience. Even more than seeing Chichi's dead body on my kitchen floor. I can't stop crying. My heart feels like it's going to give out at any moment. I can't see straight, I can't eat, I can't think, I can't do anything.

These were the two final pictures I took of her...in the vet's office:

https://i.imgur.com/g8h2PYn.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/AcAk9Cv.jpg

Poor Misty. Poor animals. They don't deserve this. I loved her so much. I loved all my animals so much. Even though she wasn't what she used to be...she was still Misty. She was still my precious last dog. The 'black sheep' of the poodle trio. And now...she's with God in heaven, where she's able to happily run around again...she's happy now...

I should be happy, too...but instead I want to die.

Please pray for me that this pain goes away...please, I beg of you, whoever is reading this. This is the most painful torture and misery I've ever dealt with.

I love you, Misty. I always will.

Misty Rose Schwartz

September 30, 2006 – January 19, 2021

Today, January 15th, is the day that God made a mistake and decided to waste a life on me, causing my mother great agony in the meantime due to making her have a C-Section, disgusting my half-brother and half-sister who didn't want another sibling, angering my father who never wanted kids to begin with, making me hated and an easy bully target through 12 years of school, and making me easy to hate and despise by every living person on the internet.

Huzzah! Another year I'm still alive, wasting oxygen, being alone, being miserable, and not knowing why I'm alive! Isn't that awesome?

Well, if anything, hopefully those of you who ARE happy about the days you were born...I hope nothing but the best for you, so that you may keep living and keep staying happy.

I can only imagine what today will hold for me.

When someone is going through some hard times in their life, and do some drastic or crazy things, maybe don't act like this: "Wow, you having a mental breakdown and being super depressed effects ME in a very bad way! In fact, it effects ME so much I no longer like you and want you to go away!" Like, yes, tell us how someone in pain effects YOU, you selfish, egotistical asshole! Let us know how bad someone feels or what they're going through effects YOU! Because clearly you're the only one who matters.

I will be removing every Discord and Skype contact, and shutting down FurAffinity, Deviantart, and every other 'social' site within a week. It's for the best for me to just vanish for good. Thank you.

Why? Because as the days, weeks, months, and years go by, it's become more and more obvious that nothing 'creative' I do matters or is cared about. Even back in my earliest days of school my writing was just made fun of and ignored. And the more I do things online with people, the more disheartened, discouraged, and disappointed I become. With myself, of course, not others. It's fine for others to hate me and not want to do anything with me, or like what I do. They're very likely right to do so. It just feels like anything I write...there is ALWAYS something wrong with it, or it upsets SOMEONE, or I'm just expected to keep doing more or keep doing better and nothing Id o is good enough. And if I roleplay with anyone, they either stop bothering to play with me after a while, flat-our reject or ignore me, or don't actually put any effort into it no matter how hard I try myself. So, if nobody else truly cares, why should I?

To whoever is reading this...I don't need your pity. And I don't need to hear you say "But I LOVE your writing!" or "I LOVE playing with you!" No, you don't. The only thing you 'love' is getting to enjoy something that involves your character/kinks. I have nothing to do with it. I'm just one out of 8 billion people in this world. I'm a spec of sand on a long, infinite coastline, ready for the dark depths of the ocean to sweep me off the beach and drown me in its never-ending void, without a care in the world. There are thousands, maybe millions of other people that are just like me, and likely better than me, out there. Nothing I do is unique, special, impressive, creative, or talented. And it's become very evident and apparent to me that that is the case.

I was never meant to try and be creative. So I'll stop bothering. I'll leave that to the actual artists out there with actual talent, and not sham talent like me.